Mongo Wrestling Alliance (2011) s01e02 Episode Script
To Trap a Giant
Things are really looking down for the Kleburkuh Clan.
Rusty is obviously their top What's this? What's Rusty Kleburkuh is abandoning He's abandoning his family.
Rusty was smart to abandon you, Baron.
You shut up! I could get you a better life, Alice Fluffing my great Dane, Alfonso.
My God.
Fans, I don't know how to describe this.
This is This is Rusty Kleburkuh is with the largest man I've ever seen in 20 years of Of broadcasting west valley championship wrestling, the champagne of t Ha ha ha! Dubose! The biggest wrestler on earth, and we have him, and you don't.
What do you got to say to that, huh? What kind of a stupid man mouth off in the middle of pile driver? What's my neck ever done for me? [Bleep.]
it.
What matters is the magnificent Booter Lee over here.
Stack, you dig a pit for the monster.
Rusty and Alice, you throw a pig in there every hour.
He's not a monster! Of course he's not.
He's an astronaut.
You smoking reefer, college boy? Now, son, how does a nice pit sound? Gee, I don't want to cause no trouble.
Booter's not going into a pit! He's my friend! We're gonna go out and celebrate.
Yeah, and teach you the other part of being a pro wrestler raging all night.
It okay if we bring my ma? Well, that depends.
She doesn't eat as much as you, does she? Can I smoke in here? You can do anything you want, sweetheart.
When your son signs with me, you're gonna be smoking cigarettes made of gold.
Look at all those ladies checkin' you out.
Booter Lee, you're a hero.
Come on, let's go talk to them.
Well, what if I have a mask with, like, horns on it and I call myself the 10-point buck and I wear hoof boots? Hoof boots? You know, like a hoof boot.
Like a hoof.
You should wrestle for the Mongo Wrestling Alliance.
Whoa! Don't listen to this one.
She's doing that moron Skwid Matthews.
Moron?! Pardon me, Pedro.
My family needs me.
Ow! Oh, oh, ohh! Ow! [Bleep.]
Give me a napkin.
I got to make a contract.
We got to sign Booter Lee.
[Bleep.]
.
This pen's broken! - Open a vein! Hurry! - Oh, you too excited.
Here, calm down.
Listen up.
I want to spend as little time as necessary in this toilet.
Booter Lee Bogg, I am here to offer you the biggest rookie contract in professional-wrestling history.
You! Back off! The monster's mine! Oh, my God! Aah! I'm having a heart attack! Oh, take mama home, baby.
My mom can't take all this fighting and tension.
If this is what being a pro wrestler's all about, then I don't want anything ever to do with it.
Come on, ma.
We can still catch the last 10 minutes of "Cheaters.
" Hunh! Hunh! Hunh! Rusty, I can't wrestle.
My ma was very upset.
She ate a whole bucket of crisco last night.
Hunh! Ow! Why'd you hit me? You're throwing your life away! Look at what this girl wrote you on a napkin last night.
Cover me in corn oil, Japanese [bleep.]
chairs, strap-on dildo chop stick? Well, now that's dirty.
Hell yeah! But my mom? Don't you get it, you big stupid idiot? If you love your mother, you will become a professional wrestler! You'll be able to earn tons of money.
You'll be able to buy her a diamond-encrusted deep-fat fryer.
She will love you.
You'll have more [bleep.]
than a 600-pound man deserves! Don't you see?! Hunh! Sure, but But what? I've got a demon inside of me.
If I fight, that demon emerges, a-hungerin' for blood.
- I'm sure that's not true.
- No, it is.
That's why the CIA took me away from my ma, and locked me in a lead casket and buried me in the ground.
Sounds like nonsense.
Demons aren't real.
How do I know? No smart people believe in them.
Only dumb people.
Okay! Ladies, here I come! That's the spirit! I will professional wrestle! - One more thing.
- Wha? I don't like being hit! Fans, what a great Mongo Wrestling Alliance show we have here next week.
The Sparkler Brothers take on Angel Crab and the Confederate Express.
Pig Knuckle will be taking on Skwid Matthews.
Also, the debut of the mysterious 10-point buck.
And in the main event, it's Kleburkuh versus Dubose.
Dubose, your days are numbered.
Look at this Booter Lee Bogg.
He's gonna rip you apart! And I'm splitting your wig right down the middle, wild-turkey style! And there might be a mysterious newcomer! Shut up! You ain't even wrestling.
Baron Kleburkuh, you say my days are numbered And they are! But that number is way higher than you can count.
Ooh! Nice one.
Shut up! Kleburkuh family and monster hillbilly and your African-American bubble-butted disco-dancing pal should realize that if there's gonna be any tricks up anyone's sleeve, I'm the man whose sleeve will have those tricks up it.
Here come the Kleburkuhs with Acid Alice, Stack Johnson.
And look at the size of Booter Lee Bogg! Oh, no! It's Damien Mercury and the Denuccis.
Where's Johnny Dubose, conspicuous by his absence.
Th-there he is in his own personal blimp! What an ego.
Before we get started, I just wanted to welcome Booter Lee Bogg to the M.
W.
A.
family.
Hey, Booter's in the Kleburkuh family! And with that in mind, I want you all to please give your attention to the Mongo screen.
Ma? Booter Lee, I want to wish you good luck in tonight's match.
But before you fight, I want to tell you, you've given me so much, and I want to give you something you ain't never had A brand new daddy! Johnny Dubose asked me to marry him, and I said yes! Look at the size of that rock! It had to cost millions! Come on, dude! Join Dubose, man! Don't listen to those guys, Booter Lee.
You're with us.
No, Booter Lee! - No! No! No! - Come back! Double drop kick from the Denuccis! And Stack Johnson gets hit with a chair! Don't hit Stack! He's my friend! Ye-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ah! What's going on?! Son.
My son, put him down.
It's me family.
Look, we're in love, see? Booter Lee! We are your real family.
Dubose is trying to manipulate you.
You can't trust him.
Hey! How do I know? How do you know? Well, come on and think.
I mean, who the hell in their right mind is gonna marry someone that disgusting and fat? What did you call my ma? By fat and disgusting, I mean Oh, [bleep.]
it.
Ooh! Unh! Stay inside, demon! Aah! Aah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Destr-o-o-o-o-oy! - Nice one, grandpa.
- What did I do? Destroy! Unh! Unh! You're gonna get it! Hey, buddy.
Demons still aren't real! We just need to get you to a good psychologist, or parapsychologist or parasitologist Ohh! Destroy! Ohh! Behold, the mighty 10-point Unh! Aaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! Why didn't you think of [bleep.]
the old fat white woman? The next chance I get, I promise I will.
Synch by Benfo.
Rusty is obviously their top What's this? What's Rusty Kleburkuh is abandoning He's abandoning his family.
Rusty was smart to abandon you, Baron.
You shut up! I could get you a better life, Alice Fluffing my great Dane, Alfonso.
My God.
Fans, I don't know how to describe this.
This is This is Rusty Kleburkuh is with the largest man I've ever seen in 20 years of Of broadcasting west valley championship wrestling, the champagne of t Ha ha ha! Dubose! The biggest wrestler on earth, and we have him, and you don't.
What do you got to say to that, huh? What kind of a stupid man mouth off in the middle of pile driver? What's my neck ever done for me? [Bleep.]
it.
What matters is the magnificent Booter Lee over here.
Stack, you dig a pit for the monster.
Rusty and Alice, you throw a pig in there every hour.
He's not a monster! Of course he's not.
He's an astronaut.
You smoking reefer, college boy? Now, son, how does a nice pit sound? Gee, I don't want to cause no trouble.
Booter's not going into a pit! He's my friend! We're gonna go out and celebrate.
Yeah, and teach you the other part of being a pro wrestler raging all night.
It okay if we bring my ma? Well, that depends.
She doesn't eat as much as you, does she? Can I smoke in here? You can do anything you want, sweetheart.
When your son signs with me, you're gonna be smoking cigarettes made of gold.
Look at all those ladies checkin' you out.
Booter Lee, you're a hero.
Come on, let's go talk to them.
Well, what if I have a mask with, like, horns on it and I call myself the 10-point buck and I wear hoof boots? Hoof boots? You know, like a hoof boot.
Like a hoof.
You should wrestle for the Mongo Wrestling Alliance.
Whoa! Don't listen to this one.
She's doing that moron Skwid Matthews.
Moron?! Pardon me, Pedro.
My family needs me.
Ow! Oh, oh, ohh! Ow! [Bleep.]
Give me a napkin.
I got to make a contract.
We got to sign Booter Lee.
[Bleep.]
.
This pen's broken! - Open a vein! Hurry! - Oh, you too excited.
Here, calm down.
Listen up.
I want to spend as little time as necessary in this toilet.
Booter Lee Bogg, I am here to offer you the biggest rookie contract in professional-wrestling history.
You! Back off! The monster's mine! Oh, my God! Aah! I'm having a heart attack! Oh, take mama home, baby.
My mom can't take all this fighting and tension.
If this is what being a pro wrestler's all about, then I don't want anything ever to do with it.
Come on, ma.
We can still catch the last 10 minutes of "Cheaters.
" Hunh! Hunh! Hunh! Rusty, I can't wrestle.
My ma was very upset.
She ate a whole bucket of crisco last night.
Hunh! Ow! Why'd you hit me? You're throwing your life away! Look at what this girl wrote you on a napkin last night.
Cover me in corn oil, Japanese [bleep.]
chairs, strap-on dildo chop stick? Well, now that's dirty.
Hell yeah! But my mom? Don't you get it, you big stupid idiot? If you love your mother, you will become a professional wrestler! You'll be able to earn tons of money.
You'll be able to buy her a diamond-encrusted deep-fat fryer.
She will love you.
You'll have more [bleep.]
than a 600-pound man deserves! Don't you see?! Hunh! Sure, but But what? I've got a demon inside of me.
If I fight, that demon emerges, a-hungerin' for blood.
- I'm sure that's not true.
- No, it is.
That's why the CIA took me away from my ma, and locked me in a lead casket and buried me in the ground.
Sounds like nonsense.
Demons aren't real.
How do I know? No smart people believe in them.
Only dumb people.
Okay! Ladies, here I come! That's the spirit! I will professional wrestle! - One more thing.
- Wha? I don't like being hit! Fans, what a great Mongo Wrestling Alliance show we have here next week.
The Sparkler Brothers take on Angel Crab and the Confederate Express.
Pig Knuckle will be taking on Skwid Matthews.
Also, the debut of the mysterious 10-point buck.
And in the main event, it's Kleburkuh versus Dubose.
Dubose, your days are numbered.
Look at this Booter Lee Bogg.
He's gonna rip you apart! And I'm splitting your wig right down the middle, wild-turkey style! And there might be a mysterious newcomer! Shut up! You ain't even wrestling.
Baron Kleburkuh, you say my days are numbered And they are! But that number is way higher than you can count.
Ooh! Nice one.
Shut up! Kleburkuh family and monster hillbilly and your African-American bubble-butted disco-dancing pal should realize that if there's gonna be any tricks up anyone's sleeve, I'm the man whose sleeve will have those tricks up it.
Here come the Kleburkuhs with Acid Alice, Stack Johnson.
And look at the size of Booter Lee Bogg! Oh, no! It's Damien Mercury and the Denuccis.
Where's Johnny Dubose, conspicuous by his absence.
Th-there he is in his own personal blimp! What an ego.
Before we get started, I just wanted to welcome Booter Lee Bogg to the M.
W.
A.
family.
Hey, Booter's in the Kleburkuh family! And with that in mind, I want you all to please give your attention to the Mongo screen.
Ma? Booter Lee, I want to wish you good luck in tonight's match.
But before you fight, I want to tell you, you've given me so much, and I want to give you something you ain't never had A brand new daddy! Johnny Dubose asked me to marry him, and I said yes! Look at the size of that rock! It had to cost millions! Come on, dude! Join Dubose, man! Don't listen to those guys, Booter Lee.
You're with us.
No, Booter Lee! - No! No! No! - Come back! Double drop kick from the Denuccis! And Stack Johnson gets hit with a chair! Don't hit Stack! He's my friend! Ye-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ah! What's going on?! Son.
My son, put him down.
It's me family.
Look, we're in love, see? Booter Lee! We are your real family.
Dubose is trying to manipulate you.
You can't trust him.
Hey! How do I know? How do you know? Well, come on and think.
I mean, who the hell in their right mind is gonna marry someone that disgusting and fat? What did you call my ma? By fat and disgusting, I mean Oh, [bleep.]
it.
Ooh! Unh! Stay inside, demon! Aah! Aah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Destr-o-o-o-o-oy! - Nice one, grandpa.
- What did I do? Destroy! Unh! Unh! You're gonna get it! Hey, buddy.
Demons still aren't real! We just need to get you to a good psychologist, or parapsychologist or parasitologist Ohh! Destroy! Ohh! Behold, the mighty 10-point Unh! Aaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! Why didn't you think of [bleep.]
the old fat white woman? The next chance I get, I promise I will.
Synch by Benfo.