Mongrels (2010) s01e02 Episode Script
Destiny the Reluctant Sniffer Dog
# Are we human? # Or are we dancer? # Go on, Marion.
Just try it! Don't be such a square, man.
It's only a bit of catnip.
Guys, I don't never mess with that stuff! It screws you up! And nothing anyone could say or do could ever change my mind! All the cool cats are doing it.
( # THE PRODIGY: Warrior's Dance) Paula Abdul.
Sosomeone can't handle his catnip.
Huh What happened?! Well, in summary, you bezzed out and got stuck up a tree.
Jesus Christ! How did I get down? Yeah.
You didn't.
Oh, God, Kali! I'm a cat, and I'm stuck up a tree.
I'm such a cliché.
You totally are.
Luckily, this friendly fireman is here to save me! For if there's one thing firemen like spending their precious time doing, - it's saving cats from - Come here, twat! OK, you know what? Think I'd like to speak with your line manager.
Messing around with catnip! You've let me down, you've let your friends down, but you know who you've let down most of all? - Myself? - The Variety Club of Great Britain! (CHILDREN SOB) I made a crap in a Sunshine Coach? Oh, yes, you very much did! There was no trip to Thorpe Park for those kiddies.
This ends today.
I'm going to make you kick the habit! OK, not a word to Gary, but I'm going out for a bit.
Sowhat's all this I been hearing about you going out for a bit? Nothing.
Just meeting up with some guy.
What guy? I dunno, to be honest.
He just called me out of the blue last night.
(CLEARS THROAT) Oi! Oi! Oi! - Oi! Oi! - Oi? - Oi! - Oi! Oi! - Oi! Oi! - Oi! Oi! Oi! - Oi! - Oi! Oi! - Oi! - Oi! - Oi! - Oi! Oi! - Oi! - Oi! - Oi! - Oi! - Oi! - Oi! - Oi! - Oi? Who knows, he could totally be the one! Just be careful, Destiny, eh? At least promise me you'll take your attack alarm.
You mean Harvey? Rape.
Rape.
Rape.
Rape.
No, seriously, rape.
Rape.
On second thoughts, just scream.
And I want you to keep eating catnip until you feel sick.
- For serious? - Classic aversion therapy.
It's what me old dad did when he caught me with cigarettes.
Sadly, it's also what he did when he caught my sister with heroin.
( # UNDERWORLD: Born Slippy) You are the boss.
Morning, (BLEEP).
Vince! Long bloody time, no ruddy bloody see! Been busy with the whole family thing.
- Family? - You know, the slag I was seeing? The one with the (BLEEP) like an aircraft hanger? Oh, Marjorie! She had a litter.
Six of the little (BLEEP).
I think the word you're looking for is ''cubs''.
Sorry.
Sorry, yeah.
Six of the little (BLEEP).
Done it again, doesn't matter.
Wait, so I'm an uncle?! Vince, I need to see those babies, like, yesterday! And, Marion, keep eating until I get back! Will do! Hey, you know, weirdest thing suddenly fancy Pot Noodle! Guess who.
It's me - Deano! Your old partner in crime, like.
Oh, my God.
Dean! Mate, it's been too long! So, yeah, like, what you been up to? Well, I've been stabbed nine times, shot in both wings.
I've been attacked with a claw hammer, stamped on by a gang of Irish gypsy badgers, set on fire, drowned, and back in March I was tortured for two days and left for dead near Warwick Abbey.
You know, just pottering.
Right, right, truesay.
Kind of why I'm here, you know.
I'm trying to start again.
I were thinking, could I stay with you for a bit? Stay as long as you like! Be good to have the old team back together.
That's what I thought, Kali.
Just the three of us.
Three? Yeah - you, me - and Jesus.
- Was he that heron? Bit dodgy, crooked leg, always cheating at poker, looked a bit like a heron David Grey? No, Jesus Christ.
Uh-oh! - Look at this stuff! - And all for you, baby girl.
Where did you even find it all?! You know.
Around.
But why me?! You barely even know me.
I know you, Princess.
I know you real well.
See, I was in the playground on Monday Rewind.
You fell in love with some of my poop? It was the smell.
Like the sweetest perfume, made from crap.
Or freshly baked cookies, dipped in crap.
Or momma's home-baked apple pie, with crap instead of apples.
- I don't believe this! - Followed your scent ever since.
Every time I saw your pee, I sniffed it.
Every time I found your crap, I rolled in it.
OK, I'm going to have to stop you there.
This has to be, like, the most romantic thing ever! And now I've got you here, there's one thing I've got to do.
You're going to propose! Actually, I was going to sniff your anus.
- See, I totally misread that.
- Don't be shy, girl.
I sniffed the honey, just want to get my nose in the beehive.
Call me a prude, kinda have a hang-up about letting strangers - stick their hooters up my poop chute.
- Baby, please.
I'll be gentle.
- WellOK.
- Sweet.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I may be some considerable time.
Ooh! I'm so excited I could pop! Think of the Christmases! The cubs opening their parcels! Carolling, snuggles by the fire.
We'll bake a gingerbread house! - You are such a faggot.
- Bit harsh, Vince.
Well, you know me, I like to call a spade a (BLEEP).
Now, just remembered something about these cubs.
They're all dead.
( # SHOWER SCENE FROM PSYCHO ) It's coming back to me now.
Marjorie only went and died during childbirth.
Sir Anthony Hopkins! That's awful! What about the poor cubs? They were totally fine.
Then I got a bit peckish.
So I ate 'em.
You You ate your own babies? You know how it is, Nelson.
It's late, you can't be arsed to go to the all-night garage, you ain't got nothing in the fridge Vince, you've got Müller Rice! Well, yeah, but no spoons.
Wait a minute.
You ate six perfectly healthy children, your own children, just because you couldn't find a spoon? In my defence, they are both rhubarb.
I have to say, Vince, this is pretty bloody mental, even by your standards! And yes, that includes your turn at the Annual Isle of Dogs Family Variety Performance! I said I was going to saw her in half! Matter of fact, I was very, very specific about that.
Hold on Rory McGrath, there's one left! Yeah, didn't fancy him, looked a bit bony.
Have him if you want.
You know what, Vince, I bloody well will! Condiments are on the side.
To look after, you animal! Let's just get you out of here.
Huh, look what I just found, a spoon! So it was a senseless waste of life after all! Oh, dear.
So what you saying? You got some kind of problem with me faith? Yes, actually.
See, let me tell you something about the Bible.
Do you know where they kept the pigeons on the ark? Below deck! With the mice, and the rats, and the Big Issue sellers! Sorry to ask again I think we've established, no-one's got any fricking change! In the end, they had to make Noah stop at a cashpoint.
God loves us all, Kali.
Even pigeons.
God don't exist.
And I happen to know that for a fact.
Follow me.
Tell me, Dean # What kind of God? CHORUS: # What kind of God? # What kind of God? CHORUS: # What kind of God? # What God allows a child of 1 3 # To sleep on the street? # Out on the street! # So when I use a cash machine # He's right there by my feet # Right by her feet! # It's so awkward when I have to pretend I'm skint and that - # What kind of God? - # What kind of God? # What kind of God? # What kind of God allows # That hard, see-through plastic packaging of, for instance # Printer cartridges and children's toys? # Amen! # That means you have to get out the scissors # But then when you cut it # You end up cutting yourself on the sharp edges # Hallelujah! # What kind of God? # This kind of God! # Oh, God, it's God! # That kind of God! # OK, man What's with all the call centres? # They provide a service # Even those ones based abroad? # It's true The Indian ones are abhorred # I'm not being racist But it makes no sense # Having a rail enquiry line that's not based locally! - # What kind of God? - # What kind of God? # What kind of God? # Junk mail in newspapers # Come on, be fair # Motorcyclists that weave in traffic! # Yes, you've got a point there # Who brings toddlers to weddings? # I shall smite them # Wasps! # Oh, why did I cre-ite them? # People who read over your shoulder! # Ex-smokers' advice! # Overly-chirpy Australian bar staff # And Katie Price! # What kind of God? # It is not m-y-y-y-y # Kind of God # Yeah! # And I am going to save you, Dean.
I'm going to save you from your salvation, and get you back on the road to hell! And you'll see that there's no God! - (THUNDERCLAP) - Screw you, Biggins! Serious, girl, your anal sacs are intoxicating.
- I'm blushing! - It's cherry blossom, and there's like, a tang of almost - coconut? - I did have a Bounty.
So, baby girl, time to get your nose in the chocolate box.
Really? I dunno, I've got a bit of a cold, and Trust me, baby.
Quickest way to get to know someone.
OK.
Here goes.
(SNIFFS) Wow! Someone's getting their five a day.
Oh, you know.
Try to stay in shape.
Interesting.
Didn't have you down as a snooker fan.
I watch it if it's on.
I'm not obsessive nor nothing.
- Oh - What? No.
That can't be right! - What is it? - Um, according to your anus, apparently, you've got like stage-five brain Huh-ah! Wow, you're quick! (SNIFFS) You've got to help me, Destiny.
See, there's this tree who cries, oh, how he cries! And if I can't stop him from crying, he's going to get the piggy bird to tell me the truth! And if I hear the truth Iwilldie! You've been on the catnip again, ain't ya? I have eaten every bush in whole East End of London! And now I need to score! Lovely stuff.
Anyway, I've only gone and found the ultimate dating shortcut - bottom sniffing! One sniff, you know everything.
Just hope humans never figure out how to do it, it'd ruin Hollyoaks.
(SNIFFS) You're planning to do what? How dare you? Well, OK, that's a fair point, but Hang on.
You're not supposed to be in this scene! What scene? Oh, you're filming.
I can't wait to get back out on the dating circuit! I'll sniff out my perfect man in no time! Destiny, Marion, there's someone I'd like to Argh! I'm hallucinating.
There is malformed hell baby bursting from your stomach! Jesus Christ! I want to claw my own eyes out, with my own claws, and stamp on my own eyes, with my own claws! What is that thing? His name's Kieran, - and he's staying with us for a while.
- And he's adorable.
Truly.
Um, Nelson, you do realise he's probably like the runt of the litter? Oh, and so what if he is? Hmm? See let me tell you about a runt of the litter, born a sickly little thing, bullied by his siblings, parents didn't want to know.
Do you know who that poorly little mongrel grew up to be? - Who? - I'll tell you who Paul Ross! Who's Paul Ross? That's a good one! ''Who's Paul Ross?'' No.
Seriously, who's Paul Ross? - Paul Ross? - Who is he? - He's Paul Ross! - And who's that? - Paul Ross.
- Say it again.
- Paul.
- Paul.
- Ross.
- Paul Ross? Yes, Paul Ross! Oh, for God's sake, this Paul Ross! - Paul Ross.
- Paul Ross.
- Paul Ross.
- I don't believe this.
There, that Paul Ross.
No, you can tell ITV to take their seven million quid a year deal and their golden handcuffs, and stick 'em where the sun does not shine! You do realise he doesn't actually have phone? Ross out! It doesn't matter.
The point is, I guess I always related to Paul.
- Paul who? - Because Because I was the runt of the litter too, OK?! Hey, Nelson.
It's cool.
We kind of already knew.
- You did? How? - Just a hunch.
- Also, the way you run.
- Yeah, that was the clincher.
#Ring all the bells Sing and tell the people everywhere # That the flower has come # Yeah, well, I still lead a full and active life! And I'm sure he will, too, once he'shad his jabs.
Wait! People off the telly always have access to ready supply of drugs.
Paul Ross! Do you happen to know anyone off the telly? Anyone? At all? No? So, Doc, all done? Oh.
Yeah.
You know, he's an amazing little boy.
- Oh, well.
I like to think so.
- In the sense that he's still alive.
- Hmm? - Well, he's anaemic, asthmatic, he's got athlete's foot, Bell's palsy, a bile duct infection, bronchitis Hang on, are you doing these alphabetically? carpal tunnel, cirrhosis, cryptosporidiosis - Doctor Cliff Huxtable! - diabetes, dwarfism, Dane Bowers' syndrome What the hell's that? Basically, it just means he's got a lovely singing voice.
# What a difference a day makes! # - And that he's semi-retarded.
- I just swallowed some poop.
Thankfully, we do offer an extensive range of treatments for runts like him.
Oh, well, good.
There's the handgun, the pellet gun, the air gun, the BB gun, the nail gun - You want to kill him?! - Kill, or fatally injure, yah.
The paintball gun, the staple gun Quite a slow death, that.
But you can't! He's a living thing! It'll happen soon enough, anyway.
We're just going to help him along one staple at a time.
Stay back! Now, you might have given up on him, but I sure as hell haven't! And I'm going to take this badly made, diseased little wretch, and I'm going to find something he's good at! Then you'll see! You'll all see! Just so you know nothing actually wrong with my hearing.
Yes.
Yes, I had rather forgotten that.
Sowho wants to get messed up on poppers and WKD, then set fire to some very elderly squirrels? Bring in the elderly squirrel.
Course, when you think about it, you'll be doing her a favour.
You know what old people are like about staying warm in the winter.
Heh-heh! Lose the elderly squirrel, bring in the prostitute! Phwoar! Will you just look at that prostitute?! Because that really is one attractive prostitute! Kali, just give up! I ain't falling for no temptation! I'll see you later, yeah? Damn it! Oh! Might as well bring the squirrel back in.
Maybe we can toast marshmallows on her or something.
Kali, please! I will do anything for a hit of the mighty nip! OK, Marion.
Listen to me.
There's people out there who can help addicts like you.
Yeah? They're called pimps! Ha-ha! Yes! Bo! Get in! Zing! One-nil, Kali! Bull's-eye! In your face! Gutted for you! Truly I have been shamed by your ability to lead me into thinking you were going to say one thing, before then saying another, entirely contradictory, thing.
Yes! Yes, you have! Ha! Wait up, though.
Idea I'll get you your precious catnip, but there's someone I need you to kill for me first.
Kali! Even we addicts have our boundaries! And if there is one thing I will not do, that thing is murders! - All the cool cats are - I need only a name.
Ow! Also a Band-Aidfor my tongue.
And OK, we runts might not be any good at fighting and playing rugger and all that other boysy stuff, but we're good at other things.
And you're going to prove it, little boy! And I think I know just how.
(FOLK MUSIC) Ah, yes, a perfectly competent display of traditional English morris dancing.
Ha-ha! Medical science be damned! Oh! Oh, nosebleed! Ah, the primitive rhythms of the African continent! Why, even a fool can hit a bongo drum.
Tinnitus! Ah, the beguiling ancient art of origam Paper cut! Watching TV while eating snacks, which technically still counts as a life skill.
Nut allergy! Sitting quite still for extended periods of Epilepsy! - Sleeping? - Parasomnia! Sleep apnoea! Night terrors! Ahhh! So, in short, you have absolutely no discernable talent for anything whatsoever! You are - no offence - almost entirely useless.
Tell me, have you ever thought about hairdressing? (WHIMPERS) So it's our first date.
I thought we could start with a little picnic, check out the new Woody Allen movie, dinner at the bin, a quick good-night kiss.
Nah.
Too old.
Too passive.
Too aggressive.
Too passive-aggressive.
Carpet soiler.
Toilet drinker.
Paul Ross? Passive-aggressive again.
So waitI've sniffed every anus in town, and I still didn't find Mr Right! Hang on (SNIFFS) Oh, that Paul Ross! God! (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Afternoon, mate.
Ahnowyes.
Hello.
- Awkward! - Strike me down, if you must, mate.
Just remember, God sees everything.
He does? He even saw that Richard Curtis film about the radio boat.
No way! Tell me, friendcouldn't help but notice you've been neutered.
Ah, yeah.
This little old lady, she thought I'd look better with the full ''Cliff Richard''.
Well, if you let God into your heart, when you get to heaven, you'll be reunited with your testicles.
In fact, Jesus himself will sew them back on with, erthreads of gold.
And it definitely says all this in the Bible? Oh.
I'm sure we'll find something.
I sniffed everyone! And found no-one! I'm officially dying alone! My old nan died alone.
Bless her.
Still, we gave her a bloomin' good send-off.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today on the A40, just past the Little Chef, opposite Travelodge, to mourn the passing of dearly beloved Bernadette.
Oh, God, Terence! - (SQUEALING TYRES AND THUD) - No-o-o! Of dearly beloved Bernadette and Terence.
Yeah, helpful.
Anyway, where's runt baby? Heh, funny story, actually.
You know the expression, ''You can't wrap them in cotton wool for the rest of their lives''? - Yeah, turns out he's the exception.
- Whoa! Still, not being horrible or nothing, butprobably won't last that long.
That's the truly wonderful thing, actually.
He's got a condition called Persistent Forsythe Syndrome.
Given 24-hour care, he'll live for years and years and years and years and years and years.
Which is obviously really great news.
- I need my insulin, you (BLEEP).
- Neil and Christine Hamilton! Where on earth did you learn language like that? Evening, (BLEEP).
Oh, of course.
Well, better get him inside.
And don't worry, Destiny.
You'll find someone.
Hmm.
(SNIFFS) Hold up Him?! - Holy crap! You're in love with Nelson! - I'm not! - I can't be! - Nah, it could work.
It'd be like Lady And The Tramp.
The live action remake.
Directed by Mike Leigh.
Um, probably should've mentioned this earlier.
You do realise I've got hepatitis? - Nelson? - Jesus loves me! Oh, no, you are kidding me! (HE GIBBERS) ErMarion, are you speaking in tongues? Already? Yes.
Also, I have hair stuck in throat.
(HE COUGHS AND GAGS) Right that's it, I'm calling in the big guns Vince! - Yes, (BLEEP)? - I need you to kill a dove for me.
I'll see you in a bit, then.
Halle-bleeding-lujah! I have seen the error of my ways! Oh, for God's sake! Did you just call God a (BLEEP)? No! So, according to Darwin, the weaker animals need to die off in order that the species itself can remain strong.
- What are you reading? - Nothing! Just, er yeah, Argos catalogue.
Anyway, put that somewhere safe.
I think I've done something.
Julian Lloyd Webber! So that's what you're good at! Jigsaws! Oh, if only that doctor could see you now, eh? Ha-ha! Come here son! Oh.
Are you Are you my daddy? Yes, little boy.
Yes, I rather think I am.
Nelson, I need to talk to you.
Not now.
We're having a Hallmark moment.
And I ain't happy about this, believe! Butit's about us.
- Us? - Ugh! I sniffed every animal in ten miles and my nose is telling me (GAGS) you're the one.
I don't mean to be a pain, I think I have another one for the list brittle bones.
Oh, Destinyyes! Yes! A thousand times yes! I've pictured this moment a million times in my head, and this this is exactly it! - Also, I've just vomited on myself.
- Yeah, proper fairytale stuff.
Well? What are we waiting for let's go start the rest of our lives! Um, bleedingsomewhat Needclottingtablets Oh! Ow! Argh! Ironic.
Now, vis-Ã -vis living arrangements, when were you thinking of moving into the den? Only I will need a full afternoon to clear out the board games cupboard.
Why?! Why you?! Coincidentally, I was looking into, um, the feasibility, so to speak, of a fox and a dog procreating - What? - just yesterday, amazingly! And apparently they're doing some rather interesting trials in the Netherlands.
I've actually got the relevant medical journals here if you'd - Nelson! - Yes, my love? Oh, this is unbearable! (SNIFFS) The smell.
Eh? It's not you, it's me! Mmm? I haven't fallen in love with you at all! I've fallen in love with the smell of my own arsehole! Ah, Destiny, that is so Robert Lindsay from My Family! What? No! Oh, that's such a relief.
Isn't it? Phew.
I mean, you? Me? Phew-ee! Anyway, no hard feelings.
No feelings at all, luckily.
Ha-ha! And yeah, never touch me again.
Ciao, babe! Come, come, Nelson, you are still blessed with this lovely runt of yours.
Oh! Kieran! God, our father, you shared him with us forjust two short days, but we know he's up there with you now, running free in the gardens of heaven, pollen count permitting.
What I still don't get is, why did you have my poop on your coat? Beats me.
I mean, for God's sake, it's not like I sleep with one under my pillow! Or freeze them in a little ice cube tray when you go away on holiday! Have I revealed too much? I am so chuffed, Kali, that you finally let God into your heart.
Me, too! Communion wafer? Oh.
Cheers.
(WHISPERING) That's right, eat your Jesus biscuit, eat it right up.
- Sorry? - Nothing.
- Must plot more quietly.
- Huh! Tastes kinda funny.
A bit like baking powder.
(EXPLOSION) (SHE LAUGHS) What? I was just trying to make church more fun.
You know, get the kids in.
(CHOIR SING) Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
Amen.
ALL: Amen.
Right.
Now can we please just start on the (BLEEP) buffet? Fine.
Go on, then, Vince.
(FRENZIED GOBBLING) (HE SIGHS) Subs from DVD, with SubRip_150b4 & Subtitle Edit 3.
0 by Numenor
Just try it! Don't be such a square, man.
It's only a bit of catnip.
Guys, I don't never mess with that stuff! It screws you up! And nothing anyone could say or do could ever change my mind! All the cool cats are doing it.
( # THE PRODIGY: Warrior's Dance) Paula Abdul.
Sosomeone can't handle his catnip.
Huh What happened?! Well, in summary, you bezzed out and got stuck up a tree.
Jesus Christ! How did I get down? Yeah.
You didn't.
Oh, God, Kali! I'm a cat, and I'm stuck up a tree.
I'm such a cliché.
You totally are.
Luckily, this friendly fireman is here to save me! For if there's one thing firemen like spending their precious time doing, - it's saving cats from - Come here, twat! OK, you know what? Think I'd like to speak with your line manager.
Messing around with catnip! You've let me down, you've let your friends down, but you know who you've let down most of all? - Myself? - The Variety Club of Great Britain! (CHILDREN SOB) I made a crap in a Sunshine Coach? Oh, yes, you very much did! There was no trip to Thorpe Park for those kiddies.
This ends today.
I'm going to make you kick the habit! OK, not a word to Gary, but I'm going out for a bit.
Sowhat's all this I been hearing about you going out for a bit? Nothing.
Just meeting up with some guy.
What guy? I dunno, to be honest.
He just called me out of the blue last night.
(CLEARS THROAT) Oi! Oi! Oi! - Oi! Oi! - Oi? - Oi! - Oi! Oi! - Oi! Oi! - Oi! Oi! Oi! - Oi! - Oi! Oi! - Oi! - Oi! - Oi! - Oi! Oi! - Oi! - Oi! - Oi! - Oi! - Oi! - Oi! - Oi! - Oi? Who knows, he could totally be the one! Just be careful, Destiny, eh? At least promise me you'll take your attack alarm.
You mean Harvey? Rape.
Rape.
Rape.
Rape.
No, seriously, rape.
Rape.
On second thoughts, just scream.
And I want you to keep eating catnip until you feel sick.
- For serious? - Classic aversion therapy.
It's what me old dad did when he caught me with cigarettes.
Sadly, it's also what he did when he caught my sister with heroin.
( # UNDERWORLD: Born Slippy) You are the boss.
Morning, (BLEEP).
Vince! Long bloody time, no ruddy bloody see! Been busy with the whole family thing.
- Family? - You know, the slag I was seeing? The one with the (BLEEP) like an aircraft hanger? Oh, Marjorie! She had a litter.
Six of the little (BLEEP).
I think the word you're looking for is ''cubs''.
Sorry.
Sorry, yeah.
Six of the little (BLEEP).
Done it again, doesn't matter.
Wait, so I'm an uncle?! Vince, I need to see those babies, like, yesterday! And, Marion, keep eating until I get back! Will do! Hey, you know, weirdest thing suddenly fancy Pot Noodle! Guess who.
It's me - Deano! Your old partner in crime, like.
Oh, my God.
Dean! Mate, it's been too long! So, yeah, like, what you been up to? Well, I've been stabbed nine times, shot in both wings.
I've been attacked with a claw hammer, stamped on by a gang of Irish gypsy badgers, set on fire, drowned, and back in March I was tortured for two days and left for dead near Warwick Abbey.
You know, just pottering.
Right, right, truesay.
Kind of why I'm here, you know.
I'm trying to start again.
I were thinking, could I stay with you for a bit? Stay as long as you like! Be good to have the old team back together.
That's what I thought, Kali.
Just the three of us.
Three? Yeah - you, me - and Jesus.
- Was he that heron? Bit dodgy, crooked leg, always cheating at poker, looked a bit like a heron David Grey? No, Jesus Christ.
Uh-oh! - Look at this stuff! - And all for you, baby girl.
Where did you even find it all?! You know.
Around.
But why me?! You barely even know me.
I know you, Princess.
I know you real well.
See, I was in the playground on Monday Rewind.
You fell in love with some of my poop? It was the smell.
Like the sweetest perfume, made from crap.
Or freshly baked cookies, dipped in crap.
Or momma's home-baked apple pie, with crap instead of apples.
- I don't believe this! - Followed your scent ever since.
Every time I saw your pee, I sniffed it.
Every time I found your crap, I rolled in it.
OK, I'm going to have to stop you there.
This has to be, like, the most romantic thing ever! And now I've got you here, there's one thing I've got to do.
You're going to propose! Actually, I was going to sniff your anus.
- See, I totally misread that.
- Don't be shy, girl.
I sniffed the honey, just want to get my nose in the beehive.
Call me a prude, kinda have a hang-up about letting strangers - stick their hooters up my poop chute.
- Baby, please.
I'll be gentle.
- WellOK.
- Sweet.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I may be some considerable time.
Ooh! I'm so excited I could pop! Think of the Christmases! The cubs opening their parcels! Carolling, snuggles by the fire.
We'll bake a gingerbread house! - You are such a faggot.
- Bit harsh, Vince.
Well, you know me, I like to call a spade a (BLEEP).
Now, just remembered something about these cubs.
They're all dead.
( # SHOWER SCENE FROM PSYCHO ) It's coming back to me now.
Marjorie only went and died during childbirth.
Sir Anthony Hopkins! That's awful! What about the poor cubs? They were totally fine.
Then I got a bit peckish.
So I ate 'em.
You You ate your own babies? You know how it is, Nelson.
It's late, you can't be arsed to go to the all-night garage, you ain't got nothing in the fridge Vince, you've got Müller Rice! Well, yeah, but no spoons.
Wait a minute.
You ate six perfectly healthy children, your own children, just because you couldn't find a spoon? In my defence, they are both rhubarb.
I have to say, Vince, this is pretty bloody mental, even by your standards! And yes, that includes your turn at the Annual Isle of Dogs Family Variety Performance! I said I was going to saw her in half! Matter of fact, I was very, very specific about that.
Hold on Rory McGrath, there's one left! Yeah, didn't fancy him, looked a bit bony.
Have him if you want.
You know what, Vince, I bloody well will! Condiments are on the side.
To look after, you animal! Let's just get you out of here.
Huh, look what I just found, a spoon! So it was a senseless waste of life after all! Oh, dear.
So what you saying? You got some kind of problem with me faith? Yes, actually.
See, let me tell you something about the Bible.
Do you know where they kept the pigeons on the ark? Below deck! With the mice, and the rats, and the Big Issue sellers! Sorry to ask again I think we've established, no-one's got any fricking change! In the end, they had to make Noah stop at a cashpoint.
God loves us all, Kali.
Even pigeons.
God don't exist.
And I happen to know that for a fact.
Follow me.
Tell me, Dean # What kind of God? CHORUS: # What kind of God? # What kind of God? CHORUS: # What kind of God? # What God allows a child of 1 3 # To sleep on the street? # Out on the street! # So when I use a cash machine # He's right there by my feet # Right by her feet! # It's so awkward when I have to pretend I'm skint and that - # What kind of God? - # What kind of God? # What kind of God? # What kind of God allows # That hard, see-through plastic packaging of, for instance # Printer cartridges and children's toys? # Amen! # That means you have to get out the scissors # But then when you cut it # You end up cutting yourself on the sharp edges # Hallelujah! # What kind of God? # This kind of God! # Oh, God, it's God! # That kind of God! # OK, man What's with all the call centres? # They provide a service # Even those ones based abroad? # It's true The Indian ones are abhorred # I'm not being racist But it makes no sense # Having a rail enquiry line that's not based locally! - # What kind of God? - # What kind of God? # What kind of God? # Junk mail in newspapers # Come on, be fair # Motorcyclists that weave in traffic! # Yes, you've got a point there # Who brings toddlers to weddings? # I shall smite them # Wasps! # Oh, why did I cre-ite them? # People who read over your shoulder! # Ex-smokers' advice! # Overly-chirpy Australian bar staff # And Katie Price! # What kind of God? # It is not m-y-y-y-y # Kind of God # Yeah! # And I am going to save you, Dean.
I'm going to save you from your salvation, and get you back on the road to hell! And you'll see that there's no God! - (THUNDERCLAP) - Screw you, Biggins! Serious, girl, your anal sacs are intoxicating.
- I'm blushing! - It's cherry blossom, and there's like, a tang of almost - coconut? - I did have a Bounty.
So, baby girl, time to get your nose in the chocolate box.
Really? I dunno, I've got a bit of a cold, and Trust me, baby.
Quickest way to get to know someone.
OK.
Here goes.
(SNIFFS) Wow! Someone's getting their five a day.
Oh, you know.
Try to stay in shape.
Interesting.
Didn't have you down as a snooker fan.
I watch it if it's on.
I'm not obsessive nor nothing.
- Oh - What? No.
That can't be right! - What is it? - Um, according to your anus, apparently, you've got like stage-five brain Huh-ah! Wow, you're quick! (SNIFFS) You've got to help me, Destiny.
See, there's this tree who cries, oh, how he cries! And if I can't stop him from crying, he's going to get the piggy bird to tell me the truth! And if I hear the truth Iwilldie! You've been on the catnip again, ain't ya? I have eaten every bush in whole East End of London! And now I need to score! Lovely stuff.
Anyway, I've only gone and found the ultimate dating shortcut - bottom sniffing! One sniff, you know everything.
Just hope humans never figure out how to do it, it'd ruin Hollyoaks.
(SNIFFS) You're planning to do what? How dare you? Well, OK, that's a fair point, but Hang on.
You're not supposed to be in this scene! What scene? Oh, you're filming.
I can't wait to get back out on the dating circuit! I'll sniff out my perfect man in no time! Destiny, Marion, there's someone I'd like to Argh! I'm hallucinating.
There is malformed hell baby bursting from your stomach! Jesus Christ! I want to claw my own eyes out, with my own claws, and stamp on my own eyes, with my own claws! What is that thing? His name's Kieran, - and he's staying with us for a while.
- And he's adorable.
Truly.
Um, Nelson, you do realise he's probably like the runt of the litter? Oh, and so what if he is? Hmm? See let me tell you about a runt of the litter, born a sickly little thing, bullied by his siblings, parents didn't want to know.
Do you know who that poorly little mongrel grew up to be? - Who? - I'll tell you who Paul Ross! Who's Paul Ross? That's a good one! ''Who's Paul Ross?'' No.
Seriously, who's Paul Ross? - Paul Ross? - Who is he? - He's Paul Ross! - And who's that? - Paul Ross.
- Say it again.
- Paul.
- Paul.
- Ross.
- Paul Ross? Yes, Paul Ross! Oh, for God's sake, this Paul Ross! - Paul Ross.
- Paul Ross.
- Paul Ross.
- I don't believe this.
There, that Paul Ross.
No, you can tell ITV to take their seven million quid a year deal and their golden handcuffs, and stick 'em where the sun does not shine! You do realise he doesn't actually have phone? Ross out! It doesn't matter.
The point is, I guess I always related to Paul.
- Paul who? - Because Because I was the runt of the litter too, OK?! Hey, Nelson.
It's cool.
We kind of already knew.
- You did? How? - Just a hunch.
- Also, the way you run.
- Yeah, that was the clincher.
#Ring all the bells Sing and tell the people everywhere # That the flower has come # Yeah, well, I still lead a full and active life! And I'm sure he will, too, once he'shad his jabs.
Wait! People off the telly always have access to ready supply of drugs.
Paul Ross! Do you happen to know anyone off the telly? Anyone? At all? No? So, Doc, all done? Oh.
Yeah.
You know, he's an amazing little boy.
- Oh, well.
I like to think so.
- In the sense that he's still alive.
- Hmm? - Well, he's anaemic, asthmatic, he's got athlete's foot, Bell's palsy, a bile duct infection, bronchitis Hang on, are you doing these alphabetically? carpal tunnel, cirrhosis, cryptosporidiosis - Doctor Cliff Huxtable! - diabetes, dwarfism, Dane Bowers' syndrome What the hell's that? Basically, it just means he's got a lovely singing voice.
# What a difference a day makes! # - And that he's semi-retarded.
- I just swallowed some poop.
Thankfully, we do offer an extensive range of treatments for runts like him.
Oh, well, good.
There's the handgun, the pellet gun, the air gun, the BB gun, the nail gun - You want to kill him?! - Kill, or fatally injure, yah.
The paintball gun, the staple gun Quite a slow death, that.
But you can't! He's a living thing! It'll happen soon enough, anyway.
We're just going to help him along one staple at a time.
Stay back! Now, you might have given up on him, but I sure as hell haven't! And I'm going to take this badly made, diseased little wretch, and I'm going to find something he's good at! Then you'll see! You'll all see! Just so you know nothing actually wrong with my hearing.
Yes.
Yes, I had rather forgotten that.
Sowho wants to get messed up on poppers and WKD, then set fire to some very elderly squirrels? Bring in the elderly squirrel.
Course, when you think about it, you'll be doing her a favour.
You know what old people are like about staying warm in the winter.
Heh-heh! Lose the elderly squirrel, bring in the prostitute! Phwoar! Will you just look at that prostitute?! Because that really is one attractive prostitute! Kali, just give up! I ain't falling for no temptation! I'll see you later, yeah? Damn it! Oh! Might as well bring the squirrel back in.
Maybe we can toast marshmallows on her or something.
Kali, please! I will do anything for a hit of the mighty nip! OK, Marion.
Listen to me.
There's people out there who can help addicts like you.
Yeah? They're called pimps! Ha-ha! Yes! Bo! Get in! Zing! One-nil, Kali! Bull's-eye! In your face! Gutted for you! Truly I have been shamed by your ability to lead me into thinking you were going to say one thing, before then saying another, entirely contradictory, thing.
Yes! Yes, you have! Ha! Wait up, though.
Idea I'll get you your precious catnip, but there's someone I need you to kill for me first.
Kali! Even we addicts have our boundaries! And if there is one thing I will not do, that thing is murders! - All the cool cats are - I need only a name.
Ow! Also a Band-Aidfor my tongue.
And OK, we runts might not be any good at fighting and playing rugger and all that other boysy stuff, but we're good at other things.
And you're going to prove it, little boy! And I think I know just how.
(FOLK MUSIC) Ah, yes, a perfectly competent display of traditional English morris dancing.
Ha-ha! Medical science be damned! Oh! Oh, nosebleed! Ah, the primitive rhythms of the African continent! Why, even a fool can hit a bongo drum.
Tinnitus! Ah, the beguiling ancient art of origam Paper cut! Watching TV while eating snacks, which technically still counts as a life skill.
Nut allergy! Sitting quite still for extended periods of Epilepsy! - Sleeping? - Parasomnia! Sleep apnoea! Night terrors! Ahhh! So, in short, you have absolutely no discernable talent for anything whatsoever! You are - no offence - almost entirely useless.
Tell me, have you ever thought about hairdressing? (WHIMPERS) So it's our first date.
I thought we could start with a little picnic, check out the new Woody Allen movie, dinner at the bin, a quick good-night kiss.
Nah.
Too old.
Too passive.
Too aggressive.
Too passive-aggressive.
Carpet soiler.
Toilet drinker.
Paul Ross? Passive-aggressive again.
So waitI've sniffed every anus in town, and I still didn't find Mr Right! Hang on (SNIFFS) Oh, that Paul Ross! God! (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Afternoon, mate.
Ahnowyes.
Hello.
- Awkward! - Strike me down, if you must, mate.
Just remember, God sees everything.
He does? He even saw that Richard Curtis film about the radio boat.
No way! Tell me, friendcouldn't help but notice you've been neutered.
Ah, yeah.
This little old lady, she thought I'd look better with the full ''Cliff Richard''.
Well, if you let God into your heart, when you get to heaven, you'll be reunited with your testicles.
In fact, Jesus himself will sew them back on with, erthreads of gold.
And it definitely says all this in the Bible? Oh.
I'm sure we'll find something.
I sniffed everyone! And found no-one! I'm officially dying alone! My old nan died alone.
Bless her.
Still, we gave her a bloomin' good send-off.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today on the A40, just past the Little Chef, opposite Travelodge, to mourn the passing of dearly beloved Bernadette.
Oh, God, Terence! - (SQUEALING TYRES AND THUD) - No-o-o! Of dearly beloved Bernadette and Terence.
Yeah, helpful.
Anyway, where's runt baby? Heh, funny story, actually.
You know the expression, ''You can't wrap them in cotton wool for the rest of their lives''? - Yeah, turns out he's the exception.
- Whoa! Still, not being horrible or nothing, butprobably won't last that long.
That's the truly wonderful thing, actually.
He's got a condition called Persistent Forsythe Syndrome.
Given 24-hour care, he'll live for years and years and years and years and years and years.
Which is obviously really great news.
- I need my insulin, you (BLEEP).
- Neil and Christine Hamilton! Where on earth did you learn language like that? Evening, (BLEEP).
Oh, of course.
Well, better get him inside.
And don't worry, Destiny.
You'll find someone.
Hmm.
(SNIFFS) Hold up Him?! - Holy crap! You're in love with Nelson! - I'm not! - I can't be! - Nah, it could work.
It'd be like Lady And The Tramp.
The live action remake.
Directed by Mike Leigh.
Um, probably should've mentioned this earlier.
You do realise I've got hepatitis? - Nelson? - Jesus loves me! Oh, no, you are kidding me! (HE GIBBERS) ErMarion, are you speaking in tongues? Already? Yes.
Also, I have hair stuck in throat.
(HE COUGHS AND GAGS) Right that's it, I'm calling in the big guns Vince! - Yes, (BLEEP)? - I need you to kill a dove for me.
I'll see you in a bit, then.
Halle-bleeding-lujah! I have seen the error of my ways! Oh, for God's sake! Did you just call God a (BLEEP)? No! So, according to Darwin, the weaker animals need to die off in order that the species itself can remain strong.
- What are you reading? - Nothing! Just, er yeah, Argos catalogue.
Anyway, put that somewhere safe.
I think I've done something.
Julian Lloyd Webber! So that's what you're good at! Jigsaws! Oh, if only that doctor could see you now, eh? Ha-ha! Come here son! Oh.
Are you Are you my daddy? Yes, little boy.
Yes, I rather think I am.
Nelson, I need to talk to you.
Not now.
We're having a Hallmark moment.
And I ain't happy about this, believe! Butit's about us.
- Us? - Ugh! I sniffed every animal in ten miles and my nose is telling me (GAGS) you're the one.
I don't mean to be a pain, I think I have another one for the list brittle bones.
Oh, Destinyyes! Yes! A thousand times yes! I've pictured this moment a million times in my head, and this this is exactly it! - Also, I've just vomited on myself.
- Yeah, proper fairytale stuff.
Well? What are we waiting for let's go start the rest of our lives! Um, bleedingsomewhat Needclottingtablets Oh! Ow! Argh! Ironic.
Now, vis-Ã -vis living arrangements, when were you thinking of moving into the den? Only I will need a full afternoon to clear out the board games cupboard.
Why?! Why you?! Coincidentally, I was looking into, um, the feasibility, so to speak, of a fox and a dog procreating - What? - just yesterday, amazingly! And apparently they're doing some rather interesting trials in the Netherlands.
I've actually got the relevant medical journals here if you'd - Nelson! - Yes, my love? Oh, this is unbearable! (SNIFFS) The smell.
Eh? It's not you, it's me! Mmm? I haven't fallen in love with you at all! I've fallen in love with the smell of my own arsehole! Ah, Destiny, that is so Robert Lindsay from My Family! What? No! Oh, that's such a relief.
Isn't it? Phew.
I mean, you? Me? Phew-ee! Anyway, no hard feelings.
No feelings at all, luckily.
Ha-ha! And yeah, never touch me again.
Ciao, babe! Come, come, Nelson, you are still blessed with this lovely runt of yours.
Oh! Kieran! God, our father, you shared him with us forjust two short days, but we know he's up there with you now, running free in the gardens of heaven, pollen count permitting.
What I still don't get is, why did you have my poop on your coat? Beats me.
I mean, for God's sake, it's not like I sleep with one under my pillow! Or freeze them in a little ice cube tray when you go away on holiday! Have I revealed too much? I am so chuffed, Kali, that you finally let God into your heart.
Me, too! Communion wafer? Oh.
Cheers.
(WHISPERING) That's right, eat your Jesus biscuit, eat it right up.
- Sorry? - Nothing.
- Must plot more quietly.
- Huh! Tastes kinda funny.
A bit like baking powder.
(EXPLOSION) (SHE LAUGHS) What? I was just trying to make church more fun.
You know, get the kids in.
(CHOIR SING) Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
Amen.
ALL: Amen.
Right.
Now can we please just start on the (BLEEP) buffet? Fine.
Go on, then, Vince.
(FRENZIED GOBBLING) (HE SIGHS) Subs from DVD, with SubRip_150b4 & Subtitle Edit 3.
0 by Numenor