Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969) s01e02 Episode Script

IT'S MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS.]
GOOD AFTERNOON.
AFTERNOON.
AH LOVELY DAY, ISN'T IT? AR 'TIS THAT.
ARE YOU HERE ON HOLIDAY OR? NO, NO, I LIVE HERE.
OH, JOLLY GOOD.
I SAY, THOSE ARE SHEEP, AREN'T THEY? AR.
YES, YES, OF COURSE, I THOUGHT SO.
ONLY WHY ARE THEY UP IN THE TREES? A FAIR QUESTION AND ONE THA IN RECENT WEEKS HAS BEEN MUCH ON MY MIND.
IT IS MY CONSIDERED OPINION THAT THEY'RE NESTING.
NESTING? LIKE BIRDS? AR EXACTLY.
BIRDS IS THE KEY TO THE WHOLE PROBLEM.
IT'S MY BELIEF THAT THESE SHEEP ARE LABORING UNDER THE MISAPPREHENSION THAT THEY'RE BIRDS.
OBSERVE THEIR BEHAVIOR.
TAKE FOR A STAR THE SHEEP'S TENDENCY TO HOP ABOUT THE FIELD ON THEIR BACK LEGS.
NOW WITNESS THEIR ATTEMPTS TO FLY FROM TREE TO TREE.
NOTICE THEY DO NO SO MUCH FLY AS PLUMMET.
OBSERVE, FOR EXAMPLE, THAT EWE IN THAT OAK TREE.
SHE IS CLEARLY TRYING TO TEACH HER LAMB TO FLY.
TALK ABOUT THE BLIND LEADING THE BLIND.
BUT WHY DO THEY THINK THEY'RE BIRDS? ANOTHER FAIR QUESTION.
ONE THING IS FOR SURE: A SHEEP IS NO A CREATURE OF THE AIR.
IT HAS ENORMOUS DIFFICULTY IN THE COMPARATIVELY SIMPLE ACT OF PERCHING.
AS YOU SEE.
AS FOR FLIGHT, ITS BODY IS TOTALLY UNADAPTED TO THE PROBLEMS OF AVIATION.
TROUBLE IS, SHEEP ARE VERY DIM.
AND ONCE THEY GET AN IDEA INTO THEIR HEADS THERE'S NO SHIFTING IT.
BUT WHERE DO THEY GE THE IDEA FROM? FROM HAROLD.
HE'S THAT SHEEP OVER THERE UNDER THE ELM.
HE'S THAT MOST DANGEROUS OF ANIMALS A CLEVER SHEEP.
HE'S THE RINGLEADER.
HE'S REALIZED THE SHEEP'S LIFE CONSISTS OF STANDING AROUND FOR A FEW MONTHS AND THEN BEING EATEN.
AND THAT'S A DEPRESSING PROSPEC FOR AN AMBITIOUS SHEEP.
HE'S PATENTLY HI ON THE IDEA OF ESCAPE.
BUT WHY DON'T YOU JUS GET RID OF HAROLD? BECAUSE OF THE ENORMOUS COMMERCIAL POSSIBILITIES SHOULD HE SUCCEED.
Man: AND WHAT EXACTLYARE THE COMMERCIAL POSSIBILITIES OF A VINE A VIATION? BON SOIR.
ICI NOUS AVONS LES DIAGRAMMES MODERNES D'UN MOUTON ANGLO-FRANCAIS CE N'EST PAS MAINTENANT BAA, BAA, BAA.
NOUS AVONS, DANS LA TETE, LE CABINE.
TRES BON.
ICI, OU SE TROUVE LE PETIT CAPITAINE ANGLAIS, UN MONSIEUR TRUBSHAWE.
VIVE BRIAN, WHEREVER YOU ARE.
D'ACCORD, D'ACCORD.
MAINTENANT, JE VOUS PRESENTE MON COLLEGUE LE POUF CELEBRE, JEAN-BRIAN JATAPATHIQUE.
MAINTENANT, LE MOUTON LE LANDING LES WHEELS, BON.
BON.
LES WHEELS, ICI.
C'EST FORMIDABLE, N'EST-CE PAS? EST BON, OOH, AH.
DE LA MACHINE DE LA AVION DE LA BAA, BAA, BAA.
OOH, OOH, OOH, BAA.
DE LA DERRIERE DU MOUTON CHUG, CHUG, CHUG.
AH, MERCI BEAUCOUP.
SUIVEZ LA PISTE.
TAIS-TOI.
PARDON.
PAS DE TOUT.
MAIS OU SONT LES BAGAGES? OU SONT LES BAGAGES? OU LES VOYAGEURS? LES VOYAGEURS.
GASPARD? MERCI.
LES VOYAGEURS.
LES BAGAGES.
ILS SONT ICI! PREMIERE CLASSE, DEUXIEME CLASSE ET MAINTENANT BAA, BAA, BAA.
MAA, MAA, MAA.
COMME CA (imitates propeller) DEMONSTRATION FANTASTIQUE.
SUR TROIS UN, DEUX TROIS.
Both: MAA, MAA, MAA, MAA, MAA, MAA WE GET A LO OF FRENCH PEOPLE AROUND HERE.
OH, YES.
ALL OVER, YES.
Interviewer: AND HOW DO YOU GET ON WITH THESE FRENCH PEOPLE? OH, VERY WELL.
SO DO I.
ME, TOO.
SO DOES MRS.
AMES.
YES, YES.
YES, I LIKE THEM.
I MEAN, THEY THINK WELL, DON'T THEY? I MEAN, BE FAIR PASCAL.
MM, BLAISE PASCAL.
JEAN-PAUL SARTRE.
YES, VOLTAIRE.
OOH.
RENE DESCARTES.
HMM HMM.
HMM! AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT A MAN WITH THREE BUTTOCKS.
GOOD EVENING.
I HAVE WITH ME MR.
ARTHUR FRAMPTON WHO HAS MR.
FRAMPTON, I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU, AS IT WERE HAVE WELL, LET ME PUT I ANOTHER WAY.
I BELIEVE, MR.
FRAMPTON THAT WHEREAS MOST PEOPLE HAVE TWO TWO YOU YOU.
I'M SORRY? AH, YES YES, I SEE.
UM ARE YOU QUITE COMFORTABLE? YES, FINE, THANK YOU.
UM MR.
FRAMPTON VIS-A-VIS YOUR RUMP.
I BEG YOUR PARDON? YOUR RUMP.
WHAT? YOUR POSTERIOR.
DERRIERE.
SIT-UPON.
WHAT'S THAT? (whispers): BUTTOCKS.
OH, ME BUM! SHH.
WELL, MR.
FRAMPTON, I UNDERSTAND, MR.
FRAMPTON YOU HAVE A 50% BONUS IN THE REGION OF WHAT YOU SAID.
I'VE GOT THREE CHEEKS.
YES, YES, SPLENDID, SPLENDID.
WELL, WE WERE WONDERING, MR.
FRAMPTON IF YOU COULD SEE YOUR WAY CLEAR HERE, WHAT'S THA CAMERA DOING? NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING AT ALL, MISTER.
WE WERE WONDERING IF YOU COULD SEE YOUR WAY CLEAR TO GIVING US A QUICK A QUICK VISUAL MR.
FRAMPTON, WILL YOU TAKE YOUR TROUSERS DOWN? WHAT? GET OFF! I'M NOT TAKING ME TROUSERS OFF ON TELEVISION.
PLEASE TAKE THEM DOWN.
NO.
JUST A LITTLE BIT.
NO.
NOW (clears throat) NOW, LOOK HERE, MR.
FRAMPTON IT'S PERFECTLY EASY FOR SOMEBODY JUST TO COME ALONG HERE TO THE BBC SIMPLY CLAIMING THAT THEY HAVE A BIT TO SPARE IN THE BOTTY DEPARTMENT.
THE POINT IS, MR.
FRAMPTON, OUR VIEWERS NEED PROOF.
I'VE BEEN ON PERSIAN RADIO.
GET OFF! ARTHUR FIGGIS KNOWS I'VE GOT THREE BUTTOCKS.
HOW? WE GO CYCLING TOGETHER.
'STREWTH! AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT A MAN WITH THREE BUTTOCKS.
GOOD EVENING.
I HAVE WITH ME MR.
ARTHUR FRAMPTON WHO MR.
FRAMPTON, I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU, AS IT WERE HAVE WELL, LET ME PUT I ANOTHER WAY.
I BELIEVE, MR.
FRAMPTON, THAT WHEREAS MOST PEOPLE DIDN'T WE DO THIS JUST NOW? WHY, YES.
WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO? I THOUGHT IT WAS A CONTINENTAL VERSION.
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY THE SAME A MAN WITH THREE BUTTOCKS.
HELLO.
OH, DID WE? AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT A MAN WITH THREE NOSES.
Man: HE'S NO HERE YET! TWO NOSES? LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WASN'T SHE JUST GREAT, EH? WASN'T SHE JUST GREAT? AND SHE CAN RUN AS FAS AS SHE CAN SING.
AND I'M TELLING YOU BECAUSE I KNOW.
NO, ONLY KIDDING.
SERIOUSLY NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN WE HAVE FOR YOU ONE OF THE MOS UNIQUE ACTS IN THE WORLD TODAY.
HE'S WELL, I'LL SAY NO MORE AND JUST LET YOU SEE FOR YOURSELVES.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY VERY GREAT PRIVILEGE TO INTRODUCE ARTHUR EWING AND HIS MUSICAL MICE! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I HAVE IN THIS BOX 23 WHITE MICE MICE WHICH HAVE BEEN PAINSTAKINGLY TRAINED OVER THE PAST FEW YEARS TO SQUEAK AT A SELECTED PITCH.
THIS IS E-SHARP.
AND THIS ONE IS G.
YOU GET THE GENERAL IDEA.
NOW, THESE MICE ARE SO ARRANGED UPON THIS RACK THAT WHEN PLAYED IN THE CORRECT ORDER THEY WILL SQUEAK "THE BELLS OF ST.
MARY.
" LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I GIVE YOU, ON THE MOUSE ORGAN "THE BELLS OF ST.
MARY.
" THANK YOU.
Man: OH, MY GOD! OH, STOP HIM! STOP HIM! FOR GOD'S SAKE, STOP HIM! NEXT.
ARE YOU THE MARRIAGE GUIDANCE COUNSELOR? YES GOOD MORNING.
Man: MORNING, SIR.
AND GOOD MORNING TO YOU, MADAM.
NAME? MR.
AND MRS.
ARTHUR PEWTEY PEWTEY.
AND WHAT IS THE NAME OF YOUR RAVISHING WIFE? WAIT! DON'T TELL ME.
IT'S SOMETHING TO DO WITH MOONLIGHT.
IT GOES WITH HER EYES.
IT'S SOFT AND GENTLE, WARM AND YIELDING DEEPLY LYRICAL AND YE TENDER AND FRIGHTENED LIKE A TINY WHITE RABBIT.
IT'S DEIRDRE.
DEIRDRE WHAT A BEAUTIFUL NAME.
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL NAME.
AND WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE TROUBLE WITH YOUR MARRIAGE, MR.
PEWTEY? WELL, IT ALL STARTED ABOUT FIVE YEARS AGO.
WE STARTED GOING ON HOLIDAY TO BRIGHTON TOGETHER.
DEIRDRE, THAT'S MY WIFE, HAS ALWAYS BEEN A VERY GOOD COMPANION TO ME.
I NEVER PARTICULARLY ANTICIPATED ANY MARITAL STRIFE.
INDEED, THE VERY IDEA OF CONSULTING A PROFESSIONAL MARITAL ADVISOR HAS ALWAYS BEEN OF THE GREATEST REPUGNANCE TO ME.
ALTHOUGH, FAR BE IT FROM ME TO IMPUGN THE NATURE OF YOUR TRADE OR PROFESSION.
DO GO ON.
WELL, AS I SAY, WE'VE ALWAYS BEEN GOOD FRIENDS SHARING THE INTERESTS, THE GARDENING AND SO ON THE MODEL AIRPLANES THE SIXPENNY BOTTLE FOR THE HOLIDAY MONEY AND, INDEED, TWICE IN THE MONTH SETTING DOWN IN THE EVENING TO DO THE ACCOUNTS SOMETHING WHICH DEIRDRE DEIRDRE, THAT'S MY WIFE PARTICULARLY LOOKED FORWARD TO ON ACCOUNT OF HER FEET.
I SHOULD PROBABLY HAVE SAID AT THE OUTSE THAT I'M NOTED FOR HAVING SOMETHING OF A SENSE OF HUMOR ALTHOUGH I'VE KEPT MYSELF PRETTY MUCH TO MYSELF OVER THE LAST TWO YEARS NOTWITHSTANDING, AS IT WERE.
AND IT'S ONLY BEEN COMPARATIVELY RECENTLY THAT I'VE BEGUN TO REALIZE WELL, PERHAPS "REALIZE" IS NOT THE CORRECT WORD.
IMAGINE IMAGINE THAT I WAS NO THE ONLY THING IN HER LIFE.
YOU SUSPECTED YOUR WIFE? WELL, YES YES.
AT FIRST, FRANKLY, YES.
HER BEHAVIOR DID SEEM AT THE TIME TO ME WHO WAS, AFTER ALL, THERE TO SEE TO BE A LITTLE ODD.
ODD? YES, WELL, I MEAN, TO A CERTAIN EXTENT, YES.
I'M NOT BY NATURE A SUSPICIOUS PERSON FAR FROM IT.
I HAVE SOMETHING OF A REPUTATION AS AN AFTER-DINNER SPEAKER, IF YOU TAKE MY MEANING.
YES, I CERTAINLY DO.
ANYWAY, IN THE AREA WHERE I'M KNOWN PEOPLE, IN FACT, KNOW ME EXTREMELY WELL.
RIGHT.
WILL YOU HOLD THIS? THANK YOU.
YES ANYWAY, AS I SAID I MUST LEARN TO FACE UP TO THE FACTS STOP BEATING ABOUT THE BUSH OR I'D NEVER LOOK MYSELF IN THE BATHROOM MIRROR AGAIN.
ANYWAY, SO WOULD YOU MIND RUNNING ALONG FOR TEN MINUTES? NO, NO.
MAKE IT HALF AN HOUR.
YES, I'LL WAIT OUTSIDE, SHALL I? YES, WELL, THAT'S PERHAPS THE BEST THING, YES.
CERTAINLY PUT MY MIND AT REST ON ON ONE OR TWO POINTS THERE.
NOW, WAI THERE, STRANGER.
A MAN CAN RUN AND RUN FOR YEAR AFTER YEAR.
TILL HE REALIZES THAT WHAT HE'S RUNNING FROM IS HISSELF.
GOSH! NOW, A MAN'S GOT TO DO WHAT A MAN'S GOT TO DO AND THERE AIN' NO SENSE IN RUNNING.
NOW, YOU GOT TO TURN AND YOU GOT TO FIGH AND YOU GOT TO HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH.
YES! NOW, YOU GO BACK IN THERE, MY SON AND BE A MAN.
WALK TALL.
YES.
OH, I WILL! I WILL! I'VE BEEN PUSHED AROUND LONG ENOUGH.
THIS IS IT.
THIS IS YOUR MOMENT, ARTHUR PEWTEY.
THIS IS IT, ARTHUR PEWTEY.
AT LAST YOU'RE A MAN! ALL RIGHT, DEIRDRE, COME OUT OF THERE! Counselor: GO AWAY! RIGHT, RIGHT.
Narrator: THESE HISTORIC PICTURES OF QUEEN VICTORIA TAKEN IN 1880 AT OSBORNE SHOW THE QUEEN WITH GLADSTONE.
THIS UNIQUE FILM PROVIDES A RARE GLIMPSE INTO THE PRIVATE WORLD OF A WOMAN WHO RULED HALF THE EARTH.
THE COMMENTARY, RECORDED ON THE EARLIEST WAX CYLINDERS IS SPOKEN BY ALFRED LORD TENNYSON, THE POET LAUREATE.
Tennyson: WELL, HELLO, IT'S THE WACKY QUEEN AGAIN AND WHO'S THE OTHER FELLA? IT'S WILLY GLADSTONE AND WHEN THESE TWO WAY-OU WACKY CHARACTERS GET TOGETHER THERE'S FUN APLENTY.
AND, UH-OH, THERE'S A HOSE PIPE.
THIS MEANS TROUBLE FOR SOMEBODY.
UH-OH, CHARLIE GARDENER'S FALLEN FOR THAT OLD TRICK.
QUEENIE'S PUT HIM IN A HEAP OF TROUBLE.
UH-OH, THAT'S ONE IN THE EYE FOR WILLY.
"HERE, YOU HAVE A GO.
" "WELL, DOGGONE IT, WHERE'S THAT WATER?" UH-OH, THERE IT IS, ALL OVER HIS FACE.
WELL, HELLO, WHAT'S BRITAIN'S WACKY QUEEN UP TO NOW? WELL, SHE'S CERTAINLY NOT SITTING ON THE FENCE SHE'S PAINTING IT.
SURELY NOTHING CAN GO WRONG HERE.
UH-OH, HERE'S THE P.
M.
, COMING BACK FOR MORE.
AND HE CERTAINLY GETS IT.
WELL, THAT'S ONE WAY TO GET THE HOUSEWORK DONE.
OH, DAD, LOOK WHO'S COME TO SEE US! IT'S OUR KEN.
AH, AND ABOUT BLOODY TIME, IF YOU ASK ME.
AREN'T YOU PLEASED TO SEE ME, FATHER? YES, OF COURSE HE'S PLEASED TO SEE YOU, KEN.
ALL RIGHT, WOMAN, ALL RIGHT.
I'VE GOT A TONGUE IN ME HEAD.
I'LL DO THE TALKING.
BLIGH! I LIKE YOUR FANCY SUIT.
IS THAT WHAT THEY'RE WEARING UP IN YORKSHIRE NOW? IT'S JUS AN ORDINARY SUIT, FATHER.
IT'S ALL I'VE GOT, APART FROM THE OVERALLS.
HOW ARE YOU LIKING I DOWN THE MINE, KEN? OH, IT'S NOT TOO BAD, MUM.
WE'RE USING SOME NEW TUNGSTEN CARBIDE DRILLS FOR THE PRELIMINARY COAL-FACE SCOURING OPERATIONS.
OH, THAT SOUNDS NICE, DEAR.
TUNGSTEN CARBIDE DRILLS? WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS TUNGSTEN CARBIDE DRILLS? IT'S SOMETHING THEY USE IN COAL MINING, FATHER.
"IT'S SOMETHING THEY USE IN COAL MINING, FATHER.
" YOUR BLOODY FANCY TALK SINCE YOU LEFT LONDON.
NOT THAT AGAIN.
HE'S HAD A HARD DAY, DEAR.
HIS NEW PLAY OPENS AT NATIONAL THEATRE TOMORROW.
OH, THAT'S GOOD.
GOOD?! GOOD?! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT IT? WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT GETTING UP AT 5:00 IN THE MORNING TO FLY TO PARIS, BACK A THE OLD VIC FOR DRINKS AT 12:00 SWEATING THE DAY THROUGH PRESS INTERVIEWS, TELEVISION INTERVIEWS THEN GETTING BACK HERE AT 10:00 TO WRESTLE WITH THE PROBLEM OF AN HOMOSEXUAL NYMPHOMANIAC DRUG ADDIC INVOLVED IN THE RITUAL MURDER OF A WELL-KNOWN SCOTTISH FOOTBALLER? THAT'S A FULL WORKING DAY, LAD! AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT! OH, DON'T SHOU AT THE BOY, FATHER.
HAMPSTEAD WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU, WAS IT? YOU HAD TO GO PONCING OFF TO BARNSLEY.
YOU AND YOUR COAL-MINING FRIENDS.
COAL MINING IS A WONDERFUL THING, FATHER.
BUT IT'S SOMETHING YOU'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND.
JUST LOOK AT YOU.
OH, KEN, BE CAREFUL! YOU KNOW WHAT HE'S LIKE AFTER A FEW NOVELS.
GO ON, LAD, GO ON.
OUT WITH IT WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? YOUR TIT! I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU.
YOUR HEAD'S ADDLED WITH NOVELS AND POEMS.
YOU COME HOME EVERY EVENING REELING OF CHATEAU LA TOUR.
DON'T, DON'T! AND LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO MOTHER.
SHE'S WORN OUT WITH MEETING FILM STARS, ATTENDING PREMIERES AND GIVING GALA LUNCHEONS.
THERE'S NOWT WRONG WITH GALA LUNCHEONS, LAD! I'VE HAD MORE GALA LUNCHEONS THAN YOU'VE HAD HOT DINNERS.
OH, PLEASE, PLEASE.
OH, NO! WHAT IS IT? OH, IT'S HIS WRITER'S CRAMP.
YOU NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT THIS.
NO, WE DIDN' LIKE TO, KENNY.
I'M ALL RIGHT, I'M ALL RIGHT, WOMAN.
JUST GET HIM OUT OF HERE! OH, KEN, YOU'D BETTER GO.
ALL RIGHT, I'M GOING.
AFTER ALL WE'VE DONE FOR HIM.
ONE DAY YOU'LL REALIZE THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN CULTURE.
THERE'S DIRT AND SMOKE AND GOOD, HONEST SWEAT! GET OUT, GET OUT, YOU LABORER! HEY, YOU KNOW, MOTHER? I THINK THERE'S A PLAY THERE.
GET AGEN ON THE PHONE.
AYE, I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT, FRANK.
IT COULD EXPRESS IT COULD EXPRESS A VITAL THEME OF OUR AGE.
OH, SHUT UP! SHUT UP! WELL, THAT'S BETTER.
NOW, FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT A MAN WITH THREE BUTTOCKS.
Men: WE'VE DONE THAT! OH, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT! A MAN WITH NINE LEGS.
Man: HE RAN AWAY! OH, BLOODY HELL.
UH A SCOTSMAN ON A HORSE.
HAROLD! COME BACK, HAROLD! HAROLD! COME BACK, HAROLD.
OH, BLAST! GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME ONCE AGAIN TO THE EPILOGUE.
ON THE PROGRAM THIS EVENING WE HAVE MONSIGNOR EDWARD GAY VISITING PASTORAL EMISSARY AT THE SOMERSE THEOLOGICAL COLLEGE AND AUTHOR OF A NUMBER OF BOOKS ABOUT BELIEF THE MOST RECENT OF WHICH IS THE BEST-SELLER MY GOD.
GOOD EVENING.
AND OPPOSITE HIM, WE HAVE DR.
TOM JACK HUMANIST, BROADCASTER, LECTURER AND AUTHOR OF THE BOOK HELLO, SAILOR.
GOOD EVENING.
TONIGHT, INSTEAD OF DISCUSSING THE EXISTENCE OR NONEXISTENCE OF GOD THEY HAVE DECIDED TO FIGHT FOR IT THE EXISTENCE OR NONEXISTENCE TO BE DETERMINED BY TWO FALLS, TWO SUBMISSIONS OR A KNOCKOUT.
ALL RIGHT, BOYS, LET'S GET TO IT.
YOUR MASTER OF CEREMONIES FOR THIS EVENING MR.
ARTHUR WARING.
Waring: GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN AND WELCOME TO A THREE-ROUND CONTEST OF THE EPILOGUE.
INTRODUCING ON MY RIGHT, IN THE BLUE CORNER APPEARING FOR JEHOVAH THE EVER-POPULAR MONSIGNOR EDDIE GAY.
AND ON MY LEFT, IN THE RED CORNER AUTHOR OF THE BOOK THE PROBLEMS OF KIERKEGAARD AND HELLO, SAILOR AND VISITING PROFESSOR OF MODERN THEOLOGICAL PHILOSOPHY AT THE UNIVERSITY OF EAST ANGLIA FROM WIGAN, DR.
TOM JACK.
Interviewer: NOW, DR.
JACK'S GO THE FLYING MARE THERE.
FLYING MARE THERE.
WHAT'S HE DOING? AND THIS IS GOING TO BE A FULL BODY SLAM.
FULL BODY SLAM THERE.
AND HE'S GOING IN AGAIN.
NO, HE'S STANDING BACK.
WELL, THERE WE'RE WE'RE LEAVING THE EPILOGUE FOR THE MOMENT.
WE'LL BE BRINGING YOU THE RESUL OF THIS DISCUSSION LATER ON IN THE PROGRAM.
OH, MY GOD! OH! Man in high voice: OH! ISN'T HE AN IMPRESSIVE FIGURE OF A MAN? PEOPLE ALL OVER THE COUNTRY DEFACEMENT OF PUBLIC PROPERTY AND THIS SORT OF THING HAS GOT TO BE STOPPED.
DESTRUCTION, DEFACEMEN HAS GOT TO BE PUT TO AN END.
THIS COUNTRY IS NOT STANDING FOR VANDALS AND HOOLIGANS RUNNING ABOUT.
Man in high voice: OH, YES, THAT'S MUCH BETTER.
OH, ISN'T HE A LOVELY LITTLE OH, ISN'T HE A LOVELY LITTLE OH, ISN'T HE A LOVELY LITTLE Man: WAIT A MINUTE, BUCKAROOS.
THIS HAS GONE FAR ENOUGH.
LOOK OUT! GET AWAY FROM ME! YES, THE MOUSE PROBLEM.
THIS WEEK, THE WORLD AROUND US LOOKS AT THE GROWING SOCIAL PHENOMENON OF MICE AND MEN.
WHAT MAKES A MAN WANT TO BE A MOUSE? WELL, UH, IT'S NOT A QUESTION OF WANTING TO BE A MOUSE.
IT JUST SORT OF HAPPENS TO YOU.
ALL OF A SUDDEN, YOU REALIZE THAT'S WHA YOU WANT TO BE.
AND WHEN DID YOU FIRST NOTICE THESE, SHALL WE SAY, TENDENCIES? WELL, I WAS ABOUT 17 AND SOME MATES AND ME WENT TO A PARTY AND, UH, WELL, WE HAD QUITE A LOT TO DRINK AND THEN SOME OF THE FELLOWS THERE STARTED HANDING CHEESE AROUND.
WELL, JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY, I TRIED A BIT AND WELL, THAT WAS THAT.
YES, AND WHAT ELSE DID THESE FELLOWS DO? WELL, UH, SOME OF THEM STARTED DRESSING UP AS MICE A BIT.
UM AND THEN WHEN THEY GOT THE COSTUMES ON, THEY STARTED SQUEAKING.
WAS THAT ALL? THAT WAS ALL.
AND WHAT WAS YOUR REACTION TO THIS? WELL, I WAS SHOCKED.
YES.
BUT, UH GRADUALLY I CAME TO FEEL THAT I WAS MORE AT EASE WITH OTHER MICE.
A TYPICAL CASE, WHOM WE SHALL REFER TO AS MR.
"A.
" ALTHOUGH HIS REAL NAME IS THIS.
WHAT IS IT THAT ATTRACTS SOMEONE LIKE MR.
"A" TO THIS WAY OF LIFE? I HAVE WITH ME A CONSULTANT PSYCHIATRIST.
WELL, WE'VE JUST HEARD A TYPICAL CASE HISTORY.
I MYSELF HAVE OVER 700 SIMILAR HISTORIES, ALL FULLY DOCUMENTED.
WOULD YOU CARE TO CHOOSE ONE? MR ARTHUR ALDRIDGE OF LIVINGTON.
WELL, THAT'S AMAZING.
THANK YOU.
AMAZING THANK YOU, JANET.
KARGOL, SPEAKING AS A PSYCHIATRIS AS OPPOSED TO A CON JURER OH.
WHAT MAKES CERTAIN MEN WANT TO BE MICE? WELL, WE PSYCHIATRISTS HAVE FOUND THAT OVER EIGHT PERCEN OF THE POPULATION WILL ALWAYS BE MICE.
I MEAN, AFTER ALL, THERE'S SOMETHING OF THE MOUSE IN ALL OF US.
I MEAN, HOW MANY OF US CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER, HE HASN'T FELT SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO MICE? I KNOW I HAVE.
I MEAN, MOST NORMAL ADOLESCENTS GO THROUGH A STAGE OF SQUEAKING TWO OR THREE TIMES A DAY.
MOST YOUNGSTERS, ON THE OTHER HAND SOME YOUNGSTERS, ARE ATTRACTED TO I BY ITS VERY ILLEGALITY.
IT'S LIKE MURDER.
MAKE A THING ILLEGAL, AND IT ACQUIRES A MYSTIQUE.
LOOK AT ARSON.
I MEAN, HOW MANY OF US CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER HE HASN'T SET FIRE TO SOME GREAT PUBLIC BUILDING? I KNOW I HAVE.
THE ONLY WAY, THE ONLY WAY TO BRING THE CRIME FIGURES DOWN IS TO REDUCE THE NUMBER OF OFFENSES.
GET IT OUT IN THE OPEN.
I KNOW I HAVE.
HMM THE AMAZING KARGOL AND JANET.
WHAT A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T REALIZE IS THAT A MOUSE, ONCE ACCEPTED CAN FULFILL A VERY USEFUL ROLE IN SOCIETY.
INDEED, THERE ARE EXAMPLES THROUGHOUT HISTORY OF FAMOUS MEN NOW KNOWN TO HAVE BEEN MICE.
VENI, VIDI, VICI.
AND OF COURSE, HILAIRE BELLOC.
BUT WHAT IS THE ATTITUDE OF THE MAN IN THE STREE TOWARDS THIS GROWING SOCIAL PROBLEM? I'M DOWN ON THEM.
I'D STRANGLE THEM.
WELL, SPEAKING AS A MEMBER OF THE STOCK EXCHANGE I WOULD SUCK THEIR BRAINS OU WITH A STRAW SELL THE WIDOWS AND ORPHANS AND GO INTO SOUTH AMERICAN ZINC.
YEAH, I'D STUFF SPARROWS DOWN THEIR THROATS UNTIL THE BEAKS STUCK OU THROUGH THE STOMACH WALLS.
OH, WELL, I'M A CHARTERED ACCOUNTAN AND CONSEQUENTLY TOO BORING TO BE OF INTEREST.
I FEEL THAT THESE POOR, UNFORTUNATE PEOPLE SHOULD BE FREE TO LIVE THE LIVES OF THEIR OWN CHOICE.
I'D, UH, SPLIT THEIR NOSTRILS OPEN WITH A BOAT HOOK, I THINK.
OH, WELL, I MEAN, THEY CAN'T HELP IT, CAN THEY? BUT, I MEAN, THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT I SO I'D KILL THEM.
CLEARLY THE BRITISH PUBLIC'S VIEW IS A HOSTILE ONE.
HOSTILE.
BUT PERHAPS THIS IS BECAUSE SO LITTLE IS GENERALLY KNOWN OF THESE MICE MEN.
WE HAVE SOME FILM NOW TAKEN AT ONE OF THE NOTORIOUS WEEKEND MOUSE PARTIES WHERE THESE DISGUSTING LITTLE PERVERTS MEET.
MR.
"A" TELLS US WHAT ACTUALLY GOES ON AT THESE MOUSE PARTIES.
WELL, UH, FIRST OF ALL YOU GET SHOWN TO YOUR OWN PRIVATE HOLE IN THE SKIRTING BOARD.
THEN YOU PU THE MOUSE SKIN ON UH THEN YOU SCURRY INTO THE MAIN ROOM AND PERHAPS TAKE A RUN IN THE WHEEL.
THE REMAINDER OF THIS FILM WAS TAKEN SECRETLY AT ONE OF THESE MOUSE PARTIES BY A BBC CAMERAMAN POSING AS A VOLE.
AS USUAL, WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE POOR QUALITY OF THE FILM.
Mr.
"A": WELL, UH, THEN YOU STEAL SOME CHEESE BRIE OR CAMEMBER OR CHEDDAR OR GOUDA, IF YOU'RE ON THE HARDER STUFF.
YOU MIGHT GO AND SEE ONE OF THE BLUE CHEESE FILMS.
THEN THERE'S A BIG CLOCK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM AND ABOUT 12:50, YOU CLIMB UP IT AND THEN EVENTUALLY IT STRIKES ONE AND YOU ALL RUN DOWN.
Interviewer: WHAT'S THAT? Mr.
"A": THAT'S THE FARMER'S WIFE.
PERHAPS WE NEED TO KNOW MORE OF THESE MICE MEN BEFORE WE CAN REALLY JUDGE THEM.
PERHAPS NOT.
ANYWAY, OUR 30 MINUTES ARE UP.
GOOD NIGHT.
and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation.]
Epilogue Interviewer: AND HERE IS THE RESUL OF THE EPILOGUE: GOD EXISTS BY TWO FALLS TO A SUBMISSION.