Moone Boy (2012) s01e02 Episode Script

It was election time in Ireland and a charismatic young senator was running for president.
Bright, passionate, articulate, and most amazingly of all a lady.
Not an Iron lady, a human woman lady.
No, that's not her, you fool.
That's her opponent, Brian Lenihan.
There she is! There's Mary Robinson.
Vote Mary.
Mary for President.
Not a tart with a heart, but a heart who makes tarts.
The Mary Robinson campaign had such low hopes of victory in the Lenihan stronghold of Boyle that they put very little funding into the region.
But call it feminism, call it nationalism, call it boredom, but Debra and the girls decided to take up the cause.
A woman for president is it? Yeah.
Oh, that'd be a lot for her to take on, all that stress.
I wouldn't like to do that to her She does want to be the president.
Does she though? I mean, I'm signing up for stuff all the time without thinking it through.
Maybe I could vote for her to be the President's wife? That's grand.
Just put a big X beside Mary's name, and then she'll be the President's wife.
Alright? Alright.
Unless there's any strong male candidates of course.
In a bitter-sweet business coup, Liam Moone had won the Lenihan poster contract for the whole county which really amused Debra Moone Hi Mum.
As she headed off to her Mary Robinson campaign meeting.
You sure you don't need a hand? I'm OK actually pal.
What's she doing here? I'm de-clawing swans.
What does it look like I'm doing, dumb nut? But what about Butch and Sundance? It's been ages since we last did a job together.
Martin, I thought you said you'd fill the spray gun up for me? Oh, balls.
I'm from Sweden.
Yeah I suppose it has.
Where's Mam? Campaign meeting.
OK.
Let's not go crazy here.
Everyone just calm down.
What delights have we got in store? Just some rice and veg and potatoes.
And sausages.
All in the same pot? Saves on washing-up.
Oh that's a shame, Trish.
You know I can't eat cauliflower.
That's broccoli.
Okey-doke.
I think I'm gonna go and have a little cry.
Cool, I'll give you a shout when it's ready.
Just waiting for the plastic to dissolve.
Every day there is more enthusiasm.
People have thought about the presidency, they want something different.
They want change Look at her there.
With her strong hands and her bouncy hair.
She's like the Joan of Arc of Connacht.
Sorry - where were we? Strategy meeting.
Right.
Thank you, Debra.
I was thinking, if it wasn't too much trouble.
Doorstep canvassing? How do we feel about that? I'd welcome the opportunity.
Oh not right now.
Ya know, it's all very well doing the door-to-doors but we really need to get more Mary posters up.
The one we have is great but it's just not enough.
There's only one Mary poster? It seems like more.
That's just cos I keep moving it around every night And I needn't tell you, ladies, how quickly velcro loses its velcrosity after a shower.
Don't talk to me about that.
Still, we have our mobile campaign unit.
Yeah, it's just not very presidential though, is it? No, no it's not.
Is there no chance that Liam might give us a few freebies? We can't expect charity, ladies.
We simply have to raise some funds.
What a lovely man Liam is.
Oh yes, he's a lovely man.
Ah, he's gas.
As I was saying about the funding Let's not have an argument.
What? Who's arguing? Sorry, it just felt a bit like an argument there for a second.
- No.
No-one's arguing.
- I think you're arguing Debra.
She is, yeah.
It was a bit snidey.
No.
I am just suggesting we approach the more affluent citizens of Boyle and ask for political donations.
Excellent.
After the meeting, Gwen.
You're such a clever person.
We should do that.
War averted.
Does anyone in Boyle have money? There's Pat Burke.
No, no, he's dead, sure.
Oh that's right.
James Brogan? Dead.
The other one.
Oh yeah, from Bridge Street? I thought you meant Oh, he's long gone.
Yeah, the big C got him.
Hit by a car.
The younger one.
Yeah, he's dead too.
Francie Feeley has money.
Touchy Feeley? He's such a letch.
Yeah, my Roger wouldn't like me going near Touchy Feeley's house.
Right, we're in agreement to forget that idea.
Francie 'Touchy' Feeley owned the local fish factory.
He was a rich, uncomplicated tool whose nickname was earned due to his over-exuberant affection.
Touchy's physical bonhomie may have been welcomed had he not always borne the fresh scent of gutted mackerel.
There's more than one way to skin a cat and you don't want to be the cat.
Bye-bye now, Father.
Presidential election looms now and Brian Lenihan seems surging ahead today in the opinion polls, while Labour's Mary Robinson says she is still in the race.
They'll say quite openly, "This time I'm voting for the best person "to be president and I'm going to vote for you.
" I'll mop the floor with you Robinson.
This is quite progressive of you, Brian.
When you lose the election you'll make a good house-husband.
We are not eating that shit.
Oh great, I'm in time.
Thought ye'd have finished eating.
I have.
Did you get a hair cut? Just a trim.
What do you think? Oh my god! You got the 'Mary'! I did.
What is it? Is it a person? I love it, Mam! The 'Mary' is sooo 'in' at the moment.
Stop it! It's modern and sophisticated and articulate.
An articulate haircut? You wouldn't understand, it's about feminism.
So Is it shorter than it was? Sorry, wrong house.
Great.
Yeah, I think I'll try another house too.
This election is more important for them as women than any membership of any political party.
I was thinking, to help ease your conscience, maybe I'd let you do a few Mary posters for free.
Just so you can sleep better at night.
That's your fake snore.
Your real snore is far more unpleasant.
I said I'd give ye a discount.
Now push over.
I suppose there's just no room for a modern woman these days.
All right, Joni Mitchell, park yer horse.
I like Mary, I do.
But I have to get paid though.
How do you feel about half price? Well, not great, but half of nothing is nothing.
So sure, half price it is, now shift over.
Do we have the clappy light thing? The bulb's loose.
Want some? Nah, I'm gonna show off my new look.
I'm gonna go for another strut.
Back the truck up.
That's no rice sandwich.
Is it? No.
Oh, sweet mercy.
That's gravy.
Mmm Oh, it smells like angels.
Is that jasmine? Is that what that is? It's jasmine.
It's jasmine gravy.
Delicious Baby J, did you see that? You know what that is, don't you? Do it! Follow your gut, man.
Martin, that child is eating a homemade wagon wheel! I don't believe we've met.
Look at this place He calls it "The Pollack Palace".
Although the guards call it "Elm Street".
Cos so many women come running out screaming.
We have do it.
For Mary.
So yer Mam is an actual chef? Well, kinda.
She's a pastry chef.
A pastry chef.
But she doesn't do it full-time anymore, so now she just bakes for us at home.
Just bakes for you at home.
Yeah, it's so boring.
All she talks about is bloody delicious food.
If I eat one more eclair this week I think I might scream.
Mmm cream.
Are you OK? Yeah, never been butter.
Want to come in and play? Yeah! I'm starving! Our granddaughters will thank us.
I had a hysterectomy in 1984.
You're talkin' gobbledygook.
It's not my fault you didn't read the ad properly! Hello, you must be the suffragettes.
Skedaddle down there, but pop your shoes off first and your socks.
Well, Barbara, that was delicious.
Duck I'orange? Birds and fruit? Who knew?! I'm gonna go home and stick a banana in a pigeon! Yeah or a pineapple in a pheasant.
Yeah, I don't think that would work, Mike.
We're just so glad that Trevor's made a friend.
A best friend! Is that Pavlova?! It's Pavlova Tuesday.
Want some jus? You bet I feckin jus! Thanks, Eclair.
As Martin filled his neglected belly, the Robinson Crusaders tried to fill their campaign chests.
And we think she'd be great for women's rights, and breaking down boundaries.
There's nothing I like more than breaking down women's boundaries.
For too long women have had their hands tied, struggling to breathe beneath mirrored ceilings.
Em Glass ceilings? Indeed.
It's like Mary said you know: "If the rights of women are constrained, "no man can be truly free.
"He may have the power, but he will not have freedom.
" Wow, you're actually quoting her.
You seem surprised.
Did I not tell you I was a big Mary-man? You do seem like a big Mary-man all right.
Well I am.
I'm huge Do you have one of those full-size Mary posters, with the legs and everything? Eh, no.
I'm afraid we don't.
Why not? If I had a body like hers, I'd be displaying it everywhere.
Thing is, we're actually kinda having some funding issues.
Not any more you're not! What do you mean? I'll give ye money.
Was that not obvious? Cos I was pointing at myself and everything.
With me thumb.
Oh right, yeah.
Of course.
Sorry.
Well, anything you can do to help the cause would be A thousand pounds! Wow, that would be amazing.
That's no problem.
It's like the old saying "you scratch my back etc.
" Great! Sorry, sorry when you say, scratch Nobody puts Mary in the corner! Dirty Dancing.
Brilliant.
Will you watch a film? Em, no, think we'd better go.
- I think you'd better.
- We'd better go.
Now would they be pop socks or a full tight? Full tight.
You can't tell.
Au revoir, mes petites revolutionaires.
Ooh, he speaks French.
They have the best maids.
You all right there? Ooh, give us a kiss.
Mwah! Hey, come here.
You don't get away so easily.
Mwah! She nearly slipped through me net.
I did.
Thank you again, Mr Feeley, it's very refreshing.
All right.
I'll be in touch.
Oh, that was delicious! Barbara truly does have wands for hands.
Yeah I think I was too chatty though.
What? No, you were charming.
Is what you were, Sir.
Really? Yeah.
Really! Your missing pencil case anecdote killed me, as always.
Well, that is a great story.
I can't wait to come back tomorrow night.
Oh, do you really think I should go back so soon? Of course you should.
Martin, they'd be so disappointed if you weren't here tomorrow night.
They wouldn't even eat.
You are so right.
I'm too hard on myself.
I'm always saying it.
But would Martin's best friend be so welcoming of his new pastry pal? You're a riot.
I didn't say anything.
Well this is a bit sudden.
You're all over that new kid like a tramp on chips.
Chips? Are people still eating chips? Here, try this.
That is a chocolate mouse ingested with homemade creme egg.
His mam makes them, P.
With her wand hands! Ohhhh, I get it.
So you're just using him.
Ah that's grand then.
No.
It's not like that.
Trevvy's cool.
He raps and everything.
Deadly! When I play a dope melody.
Anything less than the best is a felony.
Love it or leave it, You better gang way - You better hit bull's eye, the kid don't play.
6-2-2-4-7? 6-2-2-4-8.
I'm looking for.
No problem, bye-bye.
Wait, wait I'm joking with you.
It's me.
Oh.
Hi, Mr Feeley.
Just yanking the old chain there! Good one.
I've a cheque I've written here for ya.
That's great, thanks again.
I've been thinking about what I'd like you to do to return the favour.
Oh Right.
I'd like you to come over and do a spot of cleaning for me.
Excuse me? Remember we were talking about scratching each other.
When I said I'd give you the thousand pounds.
Well, I'm sure we can get someone to go over and No, it has to be yourself and Linda.
These foreign cleaners are dropping like flies.
I need strong Irish backs for the things I need doing.
Well, I'll have to talk to Linda of course.
Brilliant! I'll see you later on.
And Debra? Wear something nice.
Oh, hi Martin.
I wasn't sure what we were eating, so I just brought a bottle of both.
Cover all bases.
I'm gonna open this one, ya might wanna throw that in the fridge.
And there's no chance he just wants ye to clean his house? They call him "Touchy Feeley" not "Keeps his hands to himself Feeley" Look, I'm happy to embarrass myself for the cause.
Sure look it.
If I have to parade around in whatever Do a little polishing for the sake of feminism, then so be it.
It's all for the greater good.
Yeah, and I've got some stuff we can wear.
What's your bra size? NO! I'm not finished.
We're here to better our plight, not muddy it.
This is our time.
I've rented myself to enough bad men.
It's time to own myself.
Votes or no votes, if we succumb to this endless BS, we lose.
And I am here to win.
For every Irish woman who is sick and tired of the fish-stenched mouth of sexism.
And so, our brave ladies of the night planned a subliminal campaign for the ages.
No, they didn't have money for posters and no, they couldn't be bothered going door to door so they did what women do.
They used trickery to get what they wanted.
Hellooo Is this the Shannonside FM request line? OK that was Smokey Robinson, and now again by popular request here's "Mary" by The 4 Of Us.
Vote for Mary.
Amen? Vote for Mary.
What? Vote for Mary.
Nice.
Meanwhile which our latchkey kid Hey, Babs.
What's cookin'? Oh, is Trevor not joining us? Martin Tonight is just eh "Family Night".
But it's Tuesday.
Pavlova Tuesday.
Tuesday is Family Night now.
Actually every night is family night now.
But I brought my own jus! Martin, will you please just let us be? Well girls, here's the poll.
Moment of truth.
60% for Brian.
10% for Mary.
30% for Mary as the President's Wife.
No change then.
Well, so much for campaigning without posters Maybe we should just be happy with her as the president's wife.
No! Well what else can we do? Good question, Noreen, what else could you do? With the electorate stuck in the past and Liam holding firm on half price, Debra was forced to turn to the fresh, fishy friend of feminism.
Hello, Francie, it's me.
'I thought I told you to leave me alone.
' Eh no, no, sorry - it's Debra Moone.
Well, Debra, it's about time.
This back-scratching offer was about to expire So we're still on for the thousand pounds then? So long as you're still on for getting down and dirty By which I mean doing the cleaning.
And remember - wear something nice Why do you even have these? Don't ask any questions, Deb.
I just can't believe they still fit us.
Come in, girls, the water's warm.
I'm looking forward to this girls.
I've been feeling awful filthy today.
Well, wouldn't you know it.
The suffragettes finally bottled it.
Women.
You know I think you'll do just grand.
Slip your shoes off.
And your socks.
I feel so ashamed.
Is this really necessary? Deb, if we're going to demean ourselves for Mary, then we're going to do it properly - the way she'd want it done.
Absolutely.
Exploitation for the nation What the? Marys! Non-velcro Marys.
Thanks to Liam and Mary Men around the country the new presidential voice of Ireland would be a feminine one Citizens of Ireland Ish.
You have chosen me to represent you.
Scrub him good, Dad.
I can still smell fish! May God direct me, so that my presidency is one of justice, peace and love.
Right in there! May I have the fortune to preside over an Ireland at a time of exciting transformation.
Now come on, Liam, you know what to do.
Get in there, Butch.
Right in all the nooks and crannies where the fishy smell hides.
Where hope and history rhyme.
Where I, the president, can sing to you the joyous refrain.
Oh, for the love of God! I am of Ireland.
Come dance with me in Ireland.
I feel like a Ghostbuster.