Morgana Robinson's the Agency (2016) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode Two
1 Answer the phone.
Answer the phone.
Oh, you're joking.
Dad, can you answer the phone? Oh, God.
Answer the phone, answer the phone.
Kat, can you answer the phone? Answer the phone, answer the phone.
Answer the phone.
Hello, Cassidy household, Natalie Cassidy speaking.
Nat.
Vince.
Are you ready for the big time? I will be after me bath, why? Something is coming, something big, Nat, you might want to sit down.
Morgan Freeman has seen you doing lesbian Sonia and he wants you to read for a part.
You are triple mega joking! This programme contains some strong language This is Mann Management, one of the UK's foremost celebrity talent agencies.
Their illustrious client base is managed by agent to the stars Vincent Mann.
What does it take to be a great agent? A big smile, a firm handshake and a stab-proof back.
In an unprecedented move, he has given our documentary crew unlimited access to both his agency and his superstar clients.
Today, an exciting job offer has come in from Hollywood A-lister Morgan Freeman.
He's looking for a female cockney astronaut for a new romcom set on Mars.
- He wants to see you today! - Oh, my God, this is amazing! It's like a dream come true! Well, it would be if I didn't have Dad today.
Can he do tomorrow? Morgan Freeman doesn't do tomorrows, Nat, he very rarely does todays.
Can't you ask your sister to have your dad? Oh, Kat doesn't do todays, she only does tomorrows.
- Well, ask her to do you a favour.
- All right, then.
- Kat.
- What?! Morgan Freeman wants to see me today, can you have Dad? No! I'm doing me Insanity with Fat Karen! She can't do it, Vince, she's doing Insanity with Fat Karen.
Then you're taking him with you, right? Right.
Yes! Get in! I ain't going up London, Nat.
Just listen to me, please, Dad.
All we need to do is drive up London, you come in with me, wait in reception, then we drive home again.
We can stop for motorway chips on the way back.
- Will I be back in time for Pointless? - Yes.
- Cash In The Attic? - Don't push your luck.
- All right.
- Get in! Another celebrated client of Mann Management is comedian and activist Russell Brand.
He's in the Essex countryside furthering his spiritual revolution.
I had an almost existential revelation.
Why wait for society to evolve into a giant citadel of peaceful, philosophical civilisation 'when I can build a new paradigm 'of existence, right here on me own slice' of Albion paradise? Russell has acquired almost five acres of brown-belt land on which he plans to build his version of Utopia.
This is where I want the Marvel Meditation Tower.
- How tall's that, then? - Like this, but massive.
'For a revolutionary construction of this magnitude, 'I needed the very best and Trevor was by far the most 'spiritually advanced builder I could lay me hands on.
' Oi, Russell, what do you think of that? Do you want to keep it? Might come in handy.
With a builder onboard, Russell's Utopian dream is going to the next level - a planning meeting with Essex County Council.
Brothers and sisters in together-hood, striving as one for the benefit of all, equality, freedom, here just off junction 29 of the M25.
I think we all agree it's a nice idea, in principle, but would you have anything more solid we could look at? I've got Trevor.
He's solid.
'Yeah, it's all a bit tetchy here at Utopia this afternoon.
'Like, Russell's got the council in asking him all kinds' of questions.
He doesn't like it when people do that.
The land itself, Mr Brand, has it been agriculturally classified? I'm not here to give answers, love, I'm here to change the question.
You DO need to give answers.
We need to know what exactly it is you're proposing to build.
The future! And would the future have disability access? People will not be pigeonholed by their physical characteristics, I'm trying to build a progressive Utopian ideal here and you're festooning me in crimson tape like I'm trying to run a market stall.
We probably could get you a market stall.
The stupidest of the stupid questions we're asked is, - "Do you" - "Mel and Sue" "Actually live together?" And the answer to that is a resounding, "Yes, my love.
" There's us, Mel and Sue .
.
my cat, Arthur C Clarke .
.
our two Goldfish, Mel and Sue.
No relation.
ROFL.
Oh, and Tim.
My husband.
Hello, I'm Tim, I'm Mel's husband and I live with Mel and Sue.
- Whoa! - No way.
I did not see that coming.
Wow, so someone messed with the blood samples? Yeah, do you think it was the dodgy sheriff's department? Hey, you, right things.
Hey, classic! Hi, Sue, there's just five minutes left, so What are we watching? Making A Murderer? Didn't we watch this last week, Melly melon? Melon balls? Wasn't that a different show, my great mate? Don't think so.
Yeah, didn't we watch The Jinx, my showbiz compadre? No, definitely Making A Murderer.
I remember it turns out that neither of them get released and they're both still in prison today.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
'Actually, it's a blessing having Dad with me' on the way to the audition with Morgan Freeman.
He's going to help me with the lines like he does with lesbian Sonia.
I know a romcom set on Mars is a different vibe, but I'm just going to try and keep it natural.
I know we've only got 24 hours of oxygen, Blake, but what's the point of having oxygen if I haven't got love? Of course you've got love, you've got love of everyone back home on planet Earth.
That feels like nothing without you.
24 hours is not long enough to explore a universe of feelings.
But it is long enough for us to save ourselves.
But what if one of us doesn't make it, Blake? Why did you come here if not to explore your feelings? I came here to explore Mars, goddammit.
So did I, but I discovered you, babe.
Then the alien grabs your face Bla-a-a-a-a-a-a-ke! 'If it's that good with Dad,' imagine how good it's going to be with Morgan Freeman.
Better, I reckon.
'I was feeling a bit awks about fibbing to my better half Timbo,' so I thought I'd put my Bake Off pinny on and rustle up a bit of apology pie.
So, Mel told me to pop off to the flicks and give her and Tim some private time, which is not a problem.
No pasa nada.
No problemo.
Nos problemos.
- No, no.
- Very happy to give them some space.
If you know what I mean? Boom-baka-chow, baka-chow-wow-wow.
Boom-baka-chow-wow-wow.
Boom-baka-chow, baka-chow-baka-chow.
Boom-baka-chow-wow-wow.
Boom-baka-chow, baka-chow-wow-wow.
Boom-baka-chow-wow-wow.
Boom-baka-chow.
I know I said I'd wait to watch it with you, but Sue just Oh, don't worry about it, I know what she's like.
She's definitely gone out, hasn't she? Yeah, just us tonight, love.
- This is nice.
- Yeah, so, how's your day been? Yeah, not bad, yeah.
You know, Stuart from work is studying reiki.
Really? I've always fancied that.
Yeah, no, I know, I thought we could maybe go along as a couple, you know what I mean? It might be a load of rubbish, but - Help! - Sue! - Ah! You all right? What's happened? Oh, mate, what happened? You OK? - Are you all right? - I fell over.
- Oh, mate.
Tim, can you get the first-aid kit, please? - That's jam.
- What? She's got jam on her arm, there's pips in it.
Yeah.
I fell over and I landed on some jam.
Why? What? Did you have jam in your pocket or? We're always getting sent jam, aren't we, Mel? Because of the show.
Our fans send us jam.
Yeah, we have been sent some jam in the past, yeah.
- I just thought that - Can you just make some tea, please, Tim? 'No-one sent in any jam.
' That was my jam, the expensive jam that I bought last week.
She's using my own jam against me.
Tim, I'm so sorry I spoilt your big, sexy, romantic night in.
Seriously, Tim.
Timmy.
Timmy-Tim-Tam.
Justin Timberlake, Timmy Mallet, Tim'll fix it.
I do love you.
I said, "I love you.
" - I love you too, Sue.
- Aw.
With an open door to Vincent's clients, we were able to ask the stars some more pertinent questions about their celebrity.
How important is an education? Well, I went to school on Albert Square, so, unfortunately, my classroom was just a set with no actual teachers in it.
How important is an education? What is this? Question Time? What you going to ask me next? What's your social housing policy? You mucking me off, mate? I guess it probably was important, wasn't it? Back in the days, before predictive text.
I can't really tell you what it's like to live a life with one, but I'm happy without one.
But then again, I am under 30 and worth about 140 million, so I might not be the best person to ask.
Well, it's incredibly important.
Unless you're lucky enough to make a career out of liking stuff and then not liking stuff, then it makes no bloody difference.
Absolutely vital.
If there's one thing that's got me where I am today, it's knowing my Gurkhas from my burkas and my merkins from my gherkins.
Well, there were two things that we learnt at the school of comedy.
The art of sarcasm.
Said sarcastically there.
She's a master.
And, of course, a good pun.
Which is harder to beat than a boiled egg.
- Punderful work there, my bosom buddy.
- Thank you.
Thankfully, Pete Beale steps in and taught me everything he knew, which was some basic acting and how to run a fruit and veg stall.
So I will always have that to fall back on if lesbian Sonia goes tits up.
Shall I tell you something? I just adore travelling, from the asphyxiating heat of the Abyssinian scrub to the hawkish, bitter winds of the Siberian tundra, and I cannot wait to get started on my latest adventure.
Jo Lumley has an incredible gift for seeing the exotic in every place she visits.
Unfortunately, she also has an incredible gift for burning money.
So, me and her travel log producers have come up with a plan to save us all a few quid.
Aloha.
Shalom.
The fact is, people will tune in to watch Jo-Jo's travel logs wherever she goes.
So, really, you could send her anywhere, which is exactly what we've done.
Now, I've been sent on my travels to this wonderful little haven.
The locals call it Potters Bar.
Isn't this the most charming lobby? Full of promise and endless possibility.
Oh, and look, look what's happening here, do you see? Oh.
This is the local currency.
Isn't it scrumptious? And as light as a souffle.
You pop it in this little secret crevice here and then just press some things and, oh, look, do you see, can you believe it? It twists and curls like an eel, caught in a boatman's net.
- Can I help you? - Hello.
- Do you have your booking reference? - I'm sure I've got something.
If my many thrilling adventures have taught me one thing, it's to expect the unexpected and make sure one has packed the absolute essentials.
- Don't worry.
- Oh, lovely.
If I can offer one piece of wisdom while exploring, it is this.
Take care of your hosts and your hosts will take care of you.
Now, will you be a doll and tell the bellboy he's in for a little treat when he brings my bag-gage up to the bedchamber? Not like that, you filthy-minded tykes.
Namaste.
Hello, please take a seat.
In London's Soho, Natalie Cassidy has arrived for her casting opposite Hollywood A-lister Morgan Freeman.
Natalie Cassidy, represented by Vincent Mann, Mann Management.
Reading for Cockney astronaut.
Great, thanks.
And who's this? They said it was OK if Dad came in, Mr Morgan Freeman.
He don't like being on his own in case a dog comes.
It's ever since his accident Just read the lines, kid.
Right, yeah, course.
Sorry.
I'll read Blake's lines.
That's not going to put you off, is it? No, I've done scenes with Steve McFadden, nothing could put me off.
Right.
OK.
Action.
I know we've only got 24 hours of oxygen, Blake, but what's the point of having oxygen if I haven't got love? Of course you've got love, you've got the love of everybody back home on planet Earth.
- Sorry, Pops.
Could you just - What? - Shh, Daddy, quiet.
- What? - Just shh.
Sorry, Mr Freeman.
It's OK, it's fine.
Go again.
I know we've only got 24 hours of oxygen, Blake, but what is the point of oxygen if I haven't got love? Of course you've got love.
You've got the love Dad! - What? - You're doing it again.
I never.
Yeah, you did.
Let Mr Freeman do his Blake.
Sorry.
It's fine.
Go again.
I know we've only got 24 hours of oxygen, Blake, but what is the point of having oxygen if I haven't got love? - Of course you've got love.
- Dad! Jesus, just keep going.
You've got the love of everybody back home on planet Earth.
But what if one of us doesn't make it, Blake? Why did you come here if not to explore your feelings? I came here to explore Mars, goddammit! Yeah, I think it went well in the end.
Fingers crossed we'll be looking for a house to rent in LA soon.
Course, we'll have to go by boat, cos Dad won't fly.
Should look into that, actually.
Pass me the iPad.
A voyage becomes all the more rewarding if one takes the time to acquaint themselves with the locals.
Despite the language barrier, I can see that Mariola is a travelling merchant and she's just been showing me these Show them, Mariola.
I feel like a giantess.
And look at these, can you see? Oh.
Soft as butter from the churn.
How much for these, Mariola? This for room, not for sale.
Such a proud people.
I'll take them all, you lucky girl.
No-one in show business works harder than Cheryl Cole, Tweedy, Ferdinandwhatever.
Unfortunately, Cheryl's ferocious appetite for a new challenge also applies to her relationships.
Last I heard, she's got a new love in her life.
Yes, it's true.
This time I've found a kindred spirit who I know I can properly trust in for the rest of me whole life.
This is Buster.
Say hello, Buster.
I named him after the film by Phil Collins, you know.
When him and Julie Walters go loco in Acapulco.
Buster doesn't care one bit that I'm Cheryl from Girls Aloud and I don't care that he's Buster from wherever me assistant got him from.
I'm going to love Buster forever and ever.
Aren't I, sweetheart? You know, I'm not saying it's all plain sailing, he doesn't always pay us enough attention, sometimes I'm pouring me heart out to him and I look over and he's just licking his own balls, over and over and over again.
The little bastard has no respect for us whatsoever.
I mean, I'm Cheryl from Girls Aloud and he's just a dog, we come from different worlds.
I'll never be able to watch Phil Collins ever again.
And it's all this little shit's fault.
Take it away from us.
When he's not on the set of EastEnders, Danny Dyer can often be found working from home in his man shed.
Oi-oi.
- Vincent, me old son.
- Yeah, Danny.
- Good news, mate.
You're up for an award.
- Oh, yeah? What is it? Another MTA or one of the big ones? Oscars and that.
Not an Oscar.
It's Rear of the Year.
Are you having a babble? That's better than a moody Oscar.
Fucking get in! Really? Mate, me and my little April.
You call your bum April? April and Paris, Aris, Aristotle, bottle, bottle and glass, it's a quicker way of saying arse, mate.
Makes sense.
Congratulations.
Oh, I'm made up, proper get in, do you know what I mean? Better write me speech.
Cheers.
And the winner isDanny Dyer! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Wow.
Behind every great man is a great bum.
And it's been one hell of a journey for me and my Aris.
I've sat on it, I've had it whipped by a stripper.
I've even had a quack look up it when I had the old Harry Styles.
Now I'm up there with all the previous winners, like Kylie, Olly Murs and all that firm.
But all that don't mean nothing without you mob out there, the fans.
And then, uh .
.
I bend over .
.
and show 'em the goods.
It's really, really sad that it didn't work out with Buster.
But they say if you love someone, set them free.
So I got me assistant to set Buster free in a lay-by, just off the A42.
And, you know, it all worked out for the best, because if I hadn't dumped him, I wouldn't have found Pierre.
Say hello, Pierre.
Me and little Pierre are made for each other.
He's just so mellow and considerate.
And he just looks so wise and that.
Me and Pierre are totally on the same level.
It's almost like we can read each other's minds.
I know what you're thinking, don't I, babe? You're thinking that you're going to love me forever.
What else are you thinking? Have you got something to say, pet? Well, if you don't tell me, how am I supposed to guess? You know, it's not all plain sailing.
No relationship is.
Pierre has his dark moments, where he retreats into his shell and just ignores us.
The ungrateful little slaphead.
I wouldn't mind, but after all I done for him, taking him out of the shoebox and getting me assistant to buy him some lettuce, you'd think the moody little helmet would be a bit more bloody grateful.
Who the hell does he think he is? Coming into Cheryl from Girls Aloud's house, eating me lettuce and ignoring me, the little bald bastard.
Take it away from us.
So, we find ourselves in the hub of the hostelry.
It's my guess that this is the original Potters Bar where ceramicists would gather, compare earthenware and smoke shisha pipes.
Shall we join the natives? Konnichiwa.
- What? - Aren't you Joanna Lumley? Oh, dear, the curse of The New Avengers strikes again.
Yes, it is she, but it doesn't seem possible, does it? So, tell me, which trade do you ply? - We're carpet salesmen.
- Oh, how magnificent.
- Not really.
- Oh, don't be coy.
Carpets are the foundation of existence, the very backbone of our evolutionary leap from savage to sophisticate.
Now, unfurl your most exquisite Turkish rug and let's barter.
Well, we specialise in polypropylene and bio-based polymer weaves with non-chlorinated vinyl backing.
Oh, how divine, you simply must tell me everything.
Now, give this to the local innkeeper and tell him to furnish us with his finest boo and plenty of it.
I'll have a pint of Stella.
And a Jagerbomb.
Oh, fill your boots.
I have a sneaking suspicion that this encounter may well consume the day.
Well, there's no harm in a little ein klein joie de nuit now, is there? Now, tell me, gentlemen, why are your carpets so perfectly small? One should truly experience a destination, so, I'm hosting a soiree, one can't put a price on that, I certainly don't.
Come, come.
Look, isn't this enchanting? All my fabulous new friends have joined me, and in return, I've laid on a banquet from the twisty treaty box.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I must get back to this delightful traditional game.
- Oh, fabulous.
- Snap.
Oh, do I forfeit again? Silly old Jo-Jo.
Oh, fun, fun, fun.
# Told them I was gonna blow back When I was in the south Go low, go low Everybody go low.
What could I not live without? Cor, that's a toughie.
Same as most people, Viva Forever by the Spice Girls.
I couldn't live without my Samsung Galaxy, my Twitter account, BlackBerry I couldn't live without my two best friends, my boobicles.
Facebook, Vine account, MacBook, Instagram account, iPad, oh, and the kids.
What could I not live without? Oh, I've got three things.
My panda onesie, my strawberry lip balm and my old pal-amaroo, Sue.
Third.
I was third on that list.
She's joking.
That's Kenneth and that's Isaac.
No, hang on.
That's Kenneth and that's Isaac, yeah.
They've always been so supportive, they even clap when I run.
Fair whiz, fair whiz.
Oh, they're my bestiesmy breasties! Oh, good Lord, that's moist.
Ahh, loads of jokes there for you to choose from.
I'd probably go for Storage Wars and Dairylea Dunkers.
Ideally together.
Yes.
# Look at me You know what you see.
With his speech written and rehearsed, Danny is making some final preparations for his appearance at Rear of the Year.
Look at me You know what you see.
- 'Allo.
- Yeah, Dan, Vinny.
Sorry, mate, bit of a mix-up.
You've actually won Bell-End of the Year from the NME.
Bell-End of the Year? Yeah, sorry, crossed wires, mate.
You mean to say I haven't won Rear of the Year, but instead I've won an award for me Hampton? Sort of.
Fuck it, an award's an award.
Better tweak me speech.
Well, well, well, who's a clever boy, then? Come on, then, let's have a look at ya.
'My fabulous adventure has come to an end, and so with a heavy heart 'it's time to say bon voyage to Potters Bar.
' Yassou, there you are.
I was worried I'd lost you in the souk.
Now, I have to tell you something, I have had the wildest of times, fabulous.
I've made friends by the dozen, compadres for life and I'll be very sad bidding adieu to Potters Bar.
There we are, darling, that's for you.
Thank you.
Oh, so many zeros.
The inflation in these Third World provinces must be crippling to the locals.
Would you be a dear and send that to my agent? Thank you.
And do add something for yourself, I insist.
490 quid on toiletries?! Hang on 220 quid on Monster Munch?! I get it, someone's winding me up.
Right? Shame it didn't work out with Pierre, but I've moved on.
This is Take it away from us.
# Why look so awfully tragic? # Put on a happy face # Smiling can work like magic # Put on a happy face # Why do you mope around so sourly? # It's such a strain Just put on a happy face.
Answer the phone.
Oh, you're joking.
Dad, can you answer the phone? Oh, God.
Answer the phone, answer the phone.
Kat, can you answer the phone? Answer the phone, answer the phone.
Answer the phone.
Hello, Cassidy household, Natalie Cassidy speaking.
Nat.
Vince.
Are you ready for the big time? I will be after me bath, why? Something is coming, something big, Nat, you might want to sit down.
Morgan Freeman has seen you doing lesbian Sonia and he wants you to read for a part.
You are triple mega joking! This programme contains some strong language This is Mann Management, one of the UK's foremost celebrity talent agencies.
Their illustrious client base is managed by agent to the stars Vincent Mann.
What does it take to be a great agent? A big smile, a firm handshake and a stab-proof back.
In an unprecedented move, he has given our documentary crew unlimited access to both his agency and his superstar clients.
Today, an exciting job offer has come in from Hollywood A-lister Morgan Freeman.
He's looking for a female cockney astronaut for a new romcom set on Mars.
- He wants to see you today! - Oh, my God, this is amazing! It's like a dream come true! Well, it would be if I didn't have Dad today.
Can he do tomorrow? Morgan Freeman doesn't do tomorrows, Nat, he very rarely does todays.
Can't you ask your sister to have your dad? Oh, Kat doesn't do todays, she only does tomorrows.
- Well, ask her to do you a favour.
- All right, then.
- Kat.
- What?! Morgan Freeman wants to see me today, can you have Dad? No! I'm doing me Insanity with Fat Karen! She can't do it, Vince, she's doing Insanity with Fat Karen.
Then you're taking him with you, right? Right.
Yes! Get in! I ain't going up London, Nat.
Just listen to me, please, Dad.
All we need to do is drive up London, you come in with me, wait in reception, then we drive home again.
We can stop for motorway chips on the way back.
- Will I be back in time for Pointless? - Yes.
- Cash In The Attic? - Don't push your luck.
- All right.
- Get in! Another celebrated client of Mann Management is comedian and activist Russell Brand.
He's in the Essex countryside furthering his spiritual revolution.
I had an almost existential revelation.
Why wait for society to evolve into a giant citadel of peaceful, philosophical civilisation 'when I can build a new paradigm 'of existence, right here on me own slice' of Albion paradise? Russell has acquired almost five acres of brown-belt land on which he plans to build his version of Utopia.
This is where I want the Marvel Meditation Tower.
- How tall's that, then? - Like this, but massive.
'For a revolutionary construction of this magnitude, 'I needed the very best and Trevor was by far the most 'spiritually advanced builder I could lay me hands on.
' Oi, Russell, what do you think of that? Do you want to keep it? Might come in handy.
With a builder onboard, Russell's Utopian dream is going to the next level - a planning meeting with Essex County Council.
Brothers and sisters in together-hood, striving as one for the benefit of all, equality, freedom, here just off junction 29 of the M25.
I think we all agree it's a nice idea, in principle, but would you have anything more solid we could look at? I've got Trevor.
He's solid.
'Yeah, it's all a bit tetchy here at Utopia this afternoon.
'Like, Russell's got the council in asking him all kinds' of questions.
He doesn't like it when people do that.
The land itself, Mr Brand, has it been agriculturally classified? I'm not here to give answers, love, I'm here to change the question.
You DO need to give answers.
We need to know what exactly it is you're proposing to build.
The future! And would the future have disability access? People will not be pigeonholed by their physical characteristics, I'm trying to build a progressive Utopian ideal here and you're festooning me in crimson tape like I'm trying to run a market stall.
We probably could get you a market stall.
The stupidest of the stupid questions we're asked is, - "Do you" - "Mel and Sue" "Actually live together?" And the answer to that is a resounding, "Yes, my love.
" There's us, Mel and Sue .
.
my cat, Arthur C Clarke .
.
our two Goldfish, Mel and Sue.
No relation.
ROFL.
Oh, and Tim.
My husband.
Hello, I'm Tim, I'm Mel's husband and I live with Mel and Sue.
- Whoa! - No way.
I did not see that coming.
Wow, so someone messed with the blood samples? Yeah, do you think it was the dodgy sheriff's department? Hey, you, right things.
Hey, classic! Hi, Sue, there's just five minutes left, so What are we watching? Making A Murderer? Didn't we watch this last week, Melly melon? Melon balls? Wasn't that a different show, my great mate? Don't think so.
Yeah, didn't we watch The Jinx, my showbiz compadre? No, definitely Making A Murderer.
I remember it turns out that neither of them get released and they're both still in prison today.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
'Actually, it's a blessing having Dad with me' on the way to the audition with Morgan Freeman.
He's going to help me with the lines like he does with lesbian Sonia.
I know a romcom set on Mars is a different vibe, but I'm just going to try and keep it natural.
I know we've only got 24 hours of oxygen, Blake, but what's the point of having oxygen if I haven't got love? Of course you've got love, you've got love of everyone back home on planet Earth.
That feels like nothing without you.
24 hours is not long enough to explore a universe of feelings.
But it is long enough for us to save ourselves.
But what if one of us doesn't make it, Blake? Why did you come here if not to explore your feelings? I came here to explore Mars, goddammit.
So did I, but I discovered you, babe.
Then the alien grabs your face Bla-a-a-a-a-a-a-ke! 'If it's that good with Dad,' imagine how good it's going to be with Morgan Freeman.
Better, I reckon.
'I was feeling a bit awks about fibbing to my better half Timbo,' so I thought I'd put my Bake Off pinny on and rustle up a bit of apology pie.
So, Mel told me to pop off to the flicks and give her and Tim some private time, which is not a problem.
No pasa nada.
No problemo.
Nos problemos.
- No, no.
- Very happy to give them some space.
If you know what I mean? Boom-baka-chow, baka-chow-wow-wow.
Boom-baka-chow-wow-wow.
Boom-baka-chow, baka-chow-baka-chow.
Boom-baka-chow-wow-wow.
Boom-baka-chow, baka-chow-wow-wow.
Boom-baka-chow-wow-wow.
Boom-baka-chow.
I know I said I'd wait to watch it with you, but Sue just Oh, don't worry about it, I know what she's like.
She's definitely gone out, hasn't she? Yeah, just us tonight, love.
- This is nice.
- Yeah, so, how's your day been? Yeah, not bad, yeah.
You know, Stuart from work is studying reiki.
Really? I've always fancied that.
Yeah, no, I know, I thought we could maybe go along as a couple, you know what I mean? It might be a load of rubbish, but - Help! - Sue! - Ah! You all right? What's happened? Oh, mate, what happened? You OK? - Are you all right? - I fell over.
- Oh, mate.
Tim, can you get the first-aid kit, please? - That's jam.
- What? She's got jam on her arm, there's pips in it.
Yeah.
I fell over and I landed on some jam.
Why? What? Did you have jam in your pocket or? We're always getting sent jam, aren't we, Mel? Because of the show.
Our fans send us jam.
Yeah, we have been sent some jam in the past, yeah.
- I just thought that - Can you just make some tea, please, Tim? 'No-one sent in any jam.
' That was my jam, the expensive jam that I bought last week.
She's using my own jam against me.
Tim, I'm so sorry I spoilt your big, sexy, romantic night in.
Seriously, Tim.
Timmy.
Timmy-Tim-Tam.
Justin Timberlake, Timmy Mallet, Tim'll fix it.
I do love you.
I said, "I love you.
" - I love you too, Sue.
- Aw.
With an open door to Vincent's clients, we were able to ask the stars some more pertinent questions about their celebrity.
How important is an education? Well, I went to school on Albert Square, so, unfortunately, my classroom was just a set with no actual teachers in it.
How important is an education? What is this? Question Time? What you going to ask me next? What's your social housing policy? You mucking me off, mate? I guess it probably was important, wasn't it? Back in the days, before predictive text.
I can't really tell you what it's like to live a life with one, but I'm happy without one.
But then again, I am under 30 and worth about 140 million, so I might not be the best person to ask.
Well, it's incredibly important.
Unless you're lucky enough to make a career out of liking stuff and then not liking stuff, then it makes no bloody difference.
Absolutely vital.
If there's one thing that's got me where I am today, it's knowing my Gurkhas from my burkas and my merkins from my gherkins.
Well, there were two things that we learnt at the school of comedy.
The art of sarcasm.
Said sarcastically there.
She's a master.
And, of course, a good pun.
Which is harder to beat than a boiled egg.
- Punderful work there, my bosom buddy.
- Thank you.
Thankfully, Pete Beale steps in and taught me everything he knew, which was some basic acting and how to run a fruit and veg stall.
So I will always have that to fall back on if lesbian Sonia goes tits up.
Shall I tell you something? I just adore travelling, from the asphyxiating heat of the Abyssinian scrub to the hawkish, bitter winds of the Siberian tundra, and I cannot wait to get started on my latest adventure.
Jo Lumley has an incredible gift for seeing the exotic in every place she visits.
Unfortunately, she also has an incredible gift for burning money.
So, me and her travel log producers have come up with a plan to save us all a few quid.
Aloha.
Shalom.
The fact is, people will tune in to watch Jo-Jo's travel logs wherever she goes.
So, really, you could send her anywhere, which is exactly what we've done.
Now, I've been sent on my travels to this wonderful little haven.
The locals call it Potters Bar.
Isn't this the most charming lobby? Full of promise and endless possibility.
Oh, and look, look what's happening here, do you see? Oh.
This is the local currency.
Isn't it scrumptious? And as light as a souffle.
You pop it in this little secret crevice here and then just press some things and, oh, look, do you see, can you believe it? It twists and curls like an eel, caught in a boatman's net.
- Can I help you? - Hello.
- Do you have your booking reference? - I'm sure I've got something.
If my many thrilling adventures have taught me one thing, it's to expect the unexpected and make sure one has packed the absolute essentials.
- Don't worry.
- Oh, lovely.
If I can offer one piece of wisdom while exploring, it is this.
Take care of your hosts and your hosts will take care of you.
Now, will you be a doll and tell the bellboy he's in for a little treat when he brings my bag-gage up to the bedchamber? Not like that, you filthy-minded tykes.
Namaste.
Hello, please take a seat.
In London's Soho, Natalie Cassidy has arrived for her casting opposite Hollywood A-lister Morgan Freeman.
Natalie Cassidy, represented by Vincent Mann, Mann Management.
Reading for Cockney astronaut.
Great, thanks.
And who's this? They said it was OK if Dad came in, Mr Morgan Freeman.
He don't like being on his own in case a dog comes.
It's ever since his accident Just read the lines, kid.
Right, yeah, course.
Sorry.
I'll read Blake's lines.
That's not going to put you off, is it? No, I've done scenes with Steve McFadden, nothing could put me off.
Right.
OK.
Action.
I know we've only got 24 hours of oxygen, Blake, but what's the point of having oxygen if I haven't got love? Of course you've got love, you've got the love of everybody back home on planet Earth.
- Sorry, Pops.
Could you just - What? - Shh, Daddy, quiet.
- What? - Just shh.
Sorry, Mr Freeman.
It's OK, it's fine.
Go again.
I know we've only got 24 hours of oxygen, Blake, but what is the point of oxygen if I haven't got love? Of course you've got love.
You've got the love Dad! - What? - You're doing it again.
I never.
Yeah, you did.
Let Mr Freeman do his Blake.
Sorry.
It's fine.
Go again.
I know we've only got 24 hours of oxygen, Blake, but what is the point of having oxygen if I haven't got love? - Of course you've got love.
- Dad! Jesus, just keep going.
You've got the love of everybody back home on planet Earth.
But what if one of us doesn't make it, Blake? Why did you come here if not to explore your feelings? I came here to explore Mars, goddammit! Yeah, I think it went well in the end.
Fingers crossed we'll be looking for a house to rent in LA soon.
Course, we'll have to go by boat, cos Dad won't fly.
Should look into that, actually.
Pass me the iPad.
A voyage becomes all the more rewarding if one takes the time to acquaint themselves with the locals.
Despite the language barrier, I can see that Mariola is a travelling merchant and she's just been showing me these Show them, Mariola.
I feel like a giantess.
And look at these, can you see? Oh.
Soft as butter from the churn.
How much for these, Mariola? This for room, not for sale.
Such a proud people.
I'll take them all, you lucky girl.
No-one in show business works harder than Cheryl Cole, Tweedy, Ferdinandwhatever.
Unfortunately, Cheryl's ferocious appetite for a new challenge also applies to her relationships.
Last I heard, she's got a new love in her life.
Yes, it's true.
This time I've found a kindred spirit who I know I can properly trust in for the rest of me whole life.
This is Buster.
Say hello, Buster.
I named him after the film by Phil Collins, you know.
When him and Julie Walters go loco in Acapulco.
Buster doesn't care one bit that I'm Cheryl from Girls Aloud and I don't care that he's Buster from wherever me assistant got him from.
I'm going to love Buster forever and ever.
Aren't I, sweetheart? You know, I'm not saying it's all plain sailing, he doesn't always pay us enough attention, sometimes I'm pouring me heart out to him and I look over and he's just licking his own balls, over and over and over again.
The little bastard has no respect for us whatsoever.
I mean, I'm Cheryl from Girls Aloud and he's just a dog, we come from different worlds.
I'll never be able to watch Phil Collins ever again.
And it's all this little shit's fault.
Take it away from us.
When he's not on the set of EastEnders, Danny Dyer can often be found working from home in his man shed.
Oi-oi.
- Vincent, me old son.
- Yeah, Danny.
- Good news, mate.
You're up for an award.
- Oh, yeah? What is it? Another MTA or one of the big ones? Oscars and that.
Not an Oscar.
It's Rear of the Year.
Are you having a babble? That's better than a moody Oscar.
Fucking get in! Really? Mate, me and my little April.
You call your bum April? April and Paris, Aris, Aristotle, bottle, bottle and glass, it's a quicker way of saying arse, mate.
Makes sense.
Congratulations.
Oh, I'm made up, proper get in, do you know what I mean? Better write me speech.
Cheers.
And the winner isDanny Dyer! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Wow.
Behind every great man is a great bum.
And it's been one hell of a journey for me and my Aris.
I've sat on it, I've had it whipped by a stripper.
I've even had a quack look up it when I had the old Harry Styles.
Now I'm up there with all the previous winners, like Kylie, Olly Murs and all that firm.
But all that don't mean nothing without you mob out there, the fans.
And then, uh .
.
I bend over .
.
and show 'em the goods.
It's really, really sad that it didn't work out with Buster.
But they say if you love someone, set them free.
So I got me assistant to set Buster free in a lay-by, just off the A42.
And, you know, it all worked out for the best, because if I hadn't dumped him, I wouldn't have found Pierre.
Say hello, Pierre.
Me and little Pierre are made for each other.
He's just so mellow and considerate.
And he just looks so wise and that.
Me and Pierre are totally on the same level.
It's almost like we can read each other's minds.
I know what you're thinking, don't I, babe? You're thinking that you're going to love me forever.
What else are you thinking? Have you got something to say, pet? Well, if you don't tell me, how am I supposed to guess? You know, it's not all plain sailing.
No relationship is.
Pierre has his dark moments, where he retreats into his shell and just ignores us.
The ungrateful little slaphead.
I wouldn't mind, but after all I done for him, taking him out of the shoebox and getting me assistant to buy him some lettuce, you'd think the moody little helmet would be a bit more bloody grateful.
Who the hell does he think he is? Coming into Cheryl from Girls Aloud's house, eating me lettuce and ignoring me, the little bald bastard.
Take it away from us.
So, we find ourselves in the hub of the hostelry.
It's my guess that this is the original Potters Bar where ceramicists would gather, compare earthenware and smoke shisha pipes.
Shall we join the natives? Konnichiwa.
- What? - Aren't you Joanna Lumley? Oh, dear, the curse of The New Avengers strikes again.
Yes, it is she, but it doesn't seem possible, does it? So, tell me, which trade do you ply? - We're carpet salesmen.
- Oh, how magnificent.
- Not really.
- Oh, don't be coy.
Carpets are the foundation of existence, the very backbone of our evolutionary leap from savage to sophisticate.
Now, unfurl your most exquisite Turkish rug and let's barter.
Well, we specialise in polypropylene and bio-based polymer weaves with non-chlorinated vinyl backing.
Oh, how divine, you simply must tell me everything.
Now, give this to the local innkeeper and tell him to furnish us with his finest boo and plenty of it.
I'll have a pint of Stella.
And a Jagerbomb.
Oh, fill your boots.
I have a sneaking suspicion that this encounter may well consume the day.
Well, there's no harm in a little ein klein joie de nuit now, is there? Now, tell me, gentlemen, why are your carpets so perfectly small? One should truly experience a destination, so, I'm hosting a soiree, one can't put a price on that, I certainly don't.
Come, come.
Look, isn't this enchanting? All my fabulous new friends have joined me, and in return, I've laid on a banquet from the twisty treaty box.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I must get back to this delightful traditional game.
- Oh, fabulous.
- Snap.
Oh, do I forfeit again? Silly old Jo-Jo.
Oh, fun, fun, fun.
# Told them I was gonna blow back When I was in the south Go low, go low Everybody go low.
What could I not live without? Cor, that's a toughie.
Same as most people, Viva Forever by the Spice Girls.
I couldn't live without my Samsung Galaxy, my Twitter account, BlackBerry I couldn't live without my two best friends, my boobicles.
Facebook, Vine account, MacBook, Instagram account, iPad, oh, and the kids.
What could I not live without? Oh, I've got three things.
My panda onesie, my strawberry lip balm and my old pal-amaroo, Sue.
Third.
I was third on that list.
She's joking.
That's Kenneth and that's Isaac.
No, hang on.
That's Kenneth and that's Isaac, yeah.
They've always been so supportive, they even clap when I run.
Fair whiz, fair whiz.
Oh, they're my bestiesmy breasties! Oh, good Lord, that's moist.
Ahh, loads of jokes there for you to choose from.
I'd probably go for Storage Wars and Dairylea Dunkers.
Ideally together.
Yes.
# Look at me You know what you see.
With his speech written and rehearsed, Danny is making some final preparations for his appearance at Rear of the Year.
Look at me You know what you see.
- 'Allo.
- Yeah, Dan, Vinny.
Sorry, mate, bit of a mix-up.
You've actually won Bell-End of the Year from the NME.
Bell-End of the Year? Yeah, sorry, crossed wires, mate.
You mean to say I haven't won Rear of the Year, but instead I've won an award for me Hampton? Sort of.
Fuck it, an award's an award.
Better tweak me speech.
Well, well, well, who's a clever boy, then? Come on, then, let's have a look at ya.
'My fabulous adventure has come to an end, and so with a heavy heart 'it's time to say bon voyage to Potters Bar.
' Yassou, there you are.
I was worried I'd lost you in the souk.
Now, I have to tell you something, I have had the wildest of times, fabulous.
I've made friends by the dozen, compadres for life and I'll be very sad bidding adieu to Potters Bar.
There we are, darling, that's for you.
Thank you.
Oh, so many zeros.
The inflation in these Third World provinces must be crippling to the locals.
Would you be a dear and send that to my agent? Thank you.
And do add something for yourself, I insist.
490 quid on toiletries?! Hang on 220 quid on Monster Munch?! I get it, someone's winding me up.
Right? Shame it didn't work out with Pierre, but I've moved on.
This is Take it away from us.
# Why look so awfully tragic? # Put on a happy face # Smiling can work like magic # Put on a happy face # Why do you mope around so sourly? # It's such a strain Just put on a happy face.