Mount Pleasant (2011) s01e02 Episode Script

Ta da.
Yours? He'd be so proud of me.
Of course he would.
Morning, ladies.
He's the only man I've ever loved, Lisa.
Mm.
Fish pie.
We love rice and sin.
What time do you want me? This one's nice.
You're so sure, you go and meet him.
So how do you two know each other? Old mates.
Who's that great hunk of spunk next door? You kept that quiet.
Mum! You'll do, kidder.
We're late.
Come on.
Dan! It was just a joke.
And here's me thinking jokes are supposed to make people laugh.
Have a good day.
Yeah.
You too.
Knobhead.
"And Simon Kelner is here to talk about Twitterers.
" Hi.
Is it a bad time? Why would it be a bad time? If you're not dressed properly.
How do you know if this isn't properly? It is a bad time.
Come in.
It's cool, honest.
Should I, really? Should I what? I mean, would you? Would I what? If it was the other way round.
Any chance you could stop with the gibberish? It's confusing me.
I'm sorry.
No need.
I'm freezing my bollocks off out here.
That's debatable.
Not that I'm looking.
Alright, Kate? "Promise me you won't kill me.
" Why would I do that? "Promise me!" I promise I won't kill you.
"I've changed my mind about the taps.
" "Can we get different taps?" My God.
Different taps? I'm gonna have to kill you.
"Can you come over this morning?" You're taking the piss now! "I'm so sorry to be such a pain.
" You're not being a pain.
I'll go and get them now.
"Now? Can you?" Just give me half an hour.
She was just being so fussy so I went ballistic and she dared me to go on your date to see what you were like.
And what was I like? Nice, obviously.
I enjoyed it.
Did you? Listen, Jack, I've been up all night worrying.
And I'm late for work.
I'm not stopping you.
I need you to promise me that you won't tell Dan about the date.
He'd be really pissed off.
Understandably, given the attraction between us.
Jack, will you stop messing about? You know what was there.
Is there.
OK, then.
Please don't tell Dan about the date thing and please don't tell him about the "attraction".
My lips are sealed.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Can I go now? If you must.
Lisa, will you do something for me in return? Depends what it is, I suppose.
I've been thinking about Denise.
I feel bad for her.
After you'd gone, I couldn't be bothered.
Oh.
Will you ask her for me if she wants to give it another go? Of course I will.
Aww.
She'll be delighted.
Great.
Oh.
Morning, Jack, cock.
Sorry, I mean, Jack, love.
Morning, Bianca.
Hello, Lisa.
Fancy seeing you here.
Fancy indeed.
What can I do for you, Bianca? I was just eating my Shreddies and I realised that nobody's told you what day they come and do the bins, have they? No.
So I thought I'd nip over and we could go through it all over coffee.
I'm running a bit late as it is.
Five minutes.
Ten at the most.
What day do they come and do the bins, Bianca? Tuesday mornings.
Thanks.
They're too big.
I can manage.
You do know she's talking about my nuts, don't you? If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the North Sea.
Please, love, will you be straight with me? Of course, madam.
It's just a little hedge about that high.
Do we really need them to be that big? Depends what you want them to do.
Does it put the kettle on? Does it know how to make cheese on toast? Can it phone the Taj Mahal and order me a chicken vindaloo? Eh? Barry, could you just for once stop being such a pillock? Is there something wrong, Talia? I'd say there's more than a little something from where I'm standing.
Did you know, Talia, it takes and only one - One to do this.
Morning.
Morning.
You, lady, are still in with a shout.
What do you mean? With Jack! Has he said something? He's agreed not to mention anything to Dan.
Oh.
So what's that got to do with me? If you let me finish.
Sorry.
He wants to see you again, start over.
No! Yes! Oh, my God.
So I am attractive.
I mean, I know I'm attractive.
But it's always a boost to get it confirmed by a third party, isn't it? Shelley! Shelley! Jack fancies me.
These are yours for your half ten.
Cheers.
What's with the face ache? Oh, my God, Lisa.
I didn't even know.
Congratulations.
When's it due? I'm not sure yet, love.
Doctor said it could even be twins.
I don't there why he's dragged me here in the first place.
I just wanted him to drop me in town.
All I wanted was a green tea and an Eccles cake.
Dan! Alright, Sue.
Bazza.
Hey, dude.
Cue for a song.
One, two, three, four.
If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it If you like it then you should have put a ring on it Oh oh oh Oh oh oh Pillock.
Dan, flower, could you just give me a lift into town? All I want to do is go into town.
Er, yeah, course.
I'll take them.
Thanks, pal.
Could I ask you something? Yes, sir.
Do you think I'm a pillock? Pillock might be a bit harsh.
Yes.
But you're definitely a bit of a tit.
What's going on? I was only trying to be nice.
Oh, really? Motherhood is supposed to be a time of celebration, isn't it? Motherhood? Poor cow.
It's obviously unwanted.
Shame that.
I can't wait to have kids.
I want three.
A boy, a girl and a woofter.
Is that a phone I hear ringing? Might it be an idea, seeing as you're paying tax for the pleasure, that you go and answer it? She's trouble, she is.
I've tried to warn you.
Never trust a woman with a VPL.
And she eats sushi.
Freak.
Did you know she was up the duff, Denise? Oh, well, that says it all.
She'll have no idea who the dad is.
Talk about Slappersville.
Denise, it's Lisa.
Lisa's pregnant.
Did you know? No.
She's not mentioned it to you? Not yet.
Why hasn't she said anything? We're her friends.
You're her boss, Shelley.
So? She might be worried about her job.
Why? Let's face it, she's not gonna be much use to you once she starts lactating.
I thought she could talk to me.
Maybe she wants to wait until her 13 week scan.
See if it's got any hair first.
She looks knackered today, doesn't she, when you think about it? She's looked knackered all week.
First thing to go, your energy.
Tits second, sex life third.
Or is it the other way round? It's a thick fog when you weigh it all up.
Oh, my God.
So one of us is gonna be a mum.
A real life actual mum.
Rather her than me.
My cousin Jane had a terrible time.
Her clitoris split in half, you know.
Don't get me wrong, they're dead cute.
But nothing's worth that, is it? .
That was lovely.
Ta.
You'll have me fat.
I'll have you any way you want, sweetheart.
Sorry.
Alright, darling? I've been better.
What's up? My biological clock.
What? It's not ticking, Greg.
It's shouting.
It's screaming.
It is crawling the fucking walls.
Right.
"Everyone's at it.
" "We're gonna end up missing out.
" Nobody is going to want to know us.
Smug marrieds and childless.
I wand a baby, Greg.
Now.
OK, then.
What? Fine, let's do it.
Really? I said let's do it.
Babes, got to go.
I'm busy.
"Of course.
" People to see, roads to dig, eggs to fertilise.
Hasta la vista, baby.
You alright? Not really.
Do you want to talk about it? I'd best get off, then.
I'm sorry.
You can't keep saying you're sorry, Kate, if you've nowt to be sorry about.
I've just had some weird news from one of Martin's family.
What am I gonna do? Sit down for a sec, will you? They said they're looking into his death.
What? What the hell is it supposed to mean? Have they told you why? Oh, I feel sick.
It's making me feel sick.
Dragging it all up like this.
I thought I was moving on, Dan.
I'm sure they've got a good reason.
What will people say? It doesn't matter what people say.
Let me make you a drink.
No, honest, I'm fine.
You know what people are like.
They're busy bodies when they start talking.
Who else have you told around here? No-one.
There you go, then.
I won't say anything.
Really? Of course not, if that's what you want.
Promise me you won't say anything to anybody, not even Lisa.
I promise.
Thanks.
You feeling a bit better? Yeah.
Thanks.
I have to get going.
Of course.
Bye.
Bye.
Hello, girls.
Hey, Kate.
Wow.
You've got it lovely in here.
Thanks.
What can I get you? Can get the cheese ploughman's, please.
Without the cheese.
On brown.
Shall we get something for Lisa? Might perk her up a bit.
Can we get a prawn mayo on white, as well, please, Kate.
She can't have prawns.
Why? Shellfish.
"Salmanellum" poisoning or something.
Denise, do you mind? Sorry, no, I didn't mean that.
I'm sure this place is spotless.
And mayo.
She can't have that either.
Is there raw egg in mayo? Have you got a problem with my food, Denise? No, absolutely not.
Listen, Kate, it's Lisa.
It's a secret, but she's pregnant.
Oh.
I see.
What about ham? Shall we just get her ham? On its own? It's probably the safest bet.
Just ham, then, please.
No butter.
No mayo.
No bread.
Not even a bag of crisps? E-numbers, Lisa.
Genetically linked to attention deficit hyper AC DC.
Where are you going? Out.
Oops.
Probably hormones.
Poor cow.
Enough to get you sterilised, isn't it? Cheers, love.
Yes, please? Can I ask you something? As long as it's got nowt to do with maths or politics.
Do you think I'm fat? No, love.
Not in the slightest.
You'll do for me, kidder.
Burger, fries and a chocolate milkshake, please.
Medium or large? What do you think? Yoo hoo! It's only me.
Hiya.
Hiya.
Hi, Sue.
Oh, where is she? Erm, she's nipped out.
What for? It is lunchtime.
Shall I tell her you came? I wanted her to see this lot.
It's an outfit for a wedding in June.
Ooh.
Would you like me to have a shufty? I'm dead honest me.
Always be the first to let you know if you look like a trollop.
Divine, Sue.
I'm not going to outshine the bride, am I? Probably.
Between you and me, it wouldn't be difficult.
It's our Sheila's eldest and she's a fat one.
I'm talking fat fat.
Not greedy fat.
You know, thyroid fat, are you with me? Mmm.
Hey, Sue, just think.
You could wear that again for the christening.
The christening.
You'll look fabulous.
What's it going to be, Sue? Granny or Nana? I haven't really thought about it yet.
Oh, is that the time? Sorry, love.
I've got to go.
Aww.
Why? Barry is receiving the Nobel Peace Prize this afternoon.
Aww, brilliant.
And I don't want to be late for the ceremony.
Hiya, Barry.
Hi, Barry.
Are you alright? Barry.
Barry.
Guess what.
What? I said guess.
What am I supposed to be guessing? Just guess! Come on, the one thing you want more than anything else on this earth.
Jan Leeming, you've - No, you filthy old goat.
You and I, young man, are going to be grandparents.
Bingo get it! Come here, my little pilchard.
One of the girls in the office let it slip.
We've got to make out we don't know.
They'll probably come round later to announce it.
Not a word.
Understand? You know me, kidder.
Consider the bouche well and truly fermed.
Now, come here, gorgeous.
Calm down, rampant rabbit.
I bought us a ginger cake.
Fancy a brew? Lisa's only gone and got herself pregnant.
Stupid cow.
If you ask me, she's a bit too old to start with all that rubbish.
Once you get to 30, your uterus actually shrivels up a bit.
Going against the laws of nature, if you think about it, trying to make a baby in that.
Right.
What do you think? Say again, cock? Can we do this later? Monty Don is on Loose Women.
I was going to phone in about the begonias.
B? B? Hello.
I've left one of my drill bits in the toilet.
I know.
I'll just go through and Yeah, you do that.
Are you alright, love? Why wouldn't I be? It's upset you, hasn't it? That stuff about Martin.
It's you that's upset me, if you must know.
What? I don't know why you didn't mention it.
Mention what? I thought you could talk to me.
Have you even talked to her? I don't know what How do you feel about her losing her figure? What? And her independence.
That'll go.
I don't know what you're on about.
Have you even sat down and actually discussed it? Kate, you're talking gibberish.
You see, men don't stop to think, do they? This is how it is for women, you know.
Cast aside, ignored in the end.
I've got to, er No, don't go.
You can't just go.
Just me.
Hiya, love.
Hello.
Good day? Alright.
Liar.
You've got a face like a melted willy.
What's up? Kate went all weird on me.
Ranting on about men and how shit they are.
I think.
You think? Silly cow.
You're not shit.
Thanks.
Don't worry about her.
What would she know, anyway? Have you had a good day? Utter chicken shit.
What's happened? Dan, do you think I'm fat? What? Do you? I don't mind.
I know you love me.
I'm not doing the insecure "please never leave me" thing.
I just want to know if you think I'm fat.
You're my wife.
I think you're fucking gorgeous.
Thanks.
Senorita.
Uno momento, por favor.
Oh, the dick.
Absolute dead cert.
Nice one, pal.
Look, it says if the woman initiates sex it's gonna be a girl.
If the man initiates it, it's gonna be a boy.
What's it to be? I don't know.
Come on.
It's up to you.
What do you fancy? Boy or girl? In an ideal world, I want someone who'll play with me on Mortal Combat and understand the offside rule.
But you've not come on to me since last Saturday.
So on this occasion, I'll happily settle for Barbie.
Sounds good to me.
Come on, then.
I'm not wearing any knickers, Rambo.
Shift your feet up, heifer.
Anything I like? I told you, my treat.
White or red? I'm easy.
You choose.
Honest.
though? I can get a decent pair of shoes for that.
Or a new bag from the market.
That's reasonable for a good Sauvignon in a restaurant.
When I was a sprog, me mum and dad used to pay a fiver for a bottle of Liebfraumilch at Little Italy in the village.
Five quid.
It were way cheaper in the '90s, though, wasn't it? I don't know why they bother with inflation.
They should just freeze all prices forever.
They should still put wages up, though.
God.
Everything would be well cheap then, wouldn't it? How ace would that be? I just want to fly Did you ever feel pain In the morning rain As it soaks you to the bone Maybe I just wanna fly Wanna live, I don't wanna die Maybe I just wanna breathe Maybe I just don't believe Maybe you're the same as me We see things they'll never see You and I are gonna live forever And I've got Tourette's, you know.
When me and Fergus were shagging, I used to shout out random words when I climaxed.
Really? Yeah.
Once I said Geronimo.
Bloody Geronimo.
Not exactly sexy.
And I splutter.
Fergus says I do it when I'm nervous.
Am I spluttering tonight, jack? That's the second time you've mentioned his name.
What? Fergus.
You've mentioned your ex twice.
Once in the same sentence as climaxed.
Not necessarily the recommended action when you're supposed to be on a date.
Oh.
Shit.
Sorry.
Look, shall we just call it a night? Call what a night? Turn in.
Turn where? Go home.
Already? If you really do fancy me, Jack, you're gonna have to work a bit harder than that.
That's kind of it, though.
I don't fancy you, Denise.
That's alright.
I'll get over it.
Can we still be friends? What? Me.
Every time I go on a date, I end up with a new friend.
I'm not after a marriage proposal, but the least I'm due is a fucking blow job.
Oh, Jack.
I can give you a cheeky gobble in the taxi if it makes you feel any better? Thank you, Denise, you're very kind but let's stick to Plan A.
Friends, yeah? Yeah.
Sorry it didn't work out.
Let's not lose any sleep over it.
That's a good idea.
Ross Kemp's on tonight.
I'll be losing enough over that.
Hey, I've got an idea.
Go on.
If in ten years' time we're both still single, we can always have a kid together or something.
Might not look so tragic then.
Aww.
Baby mania today.
First Lisa and Dan, now you.
Lisa's pregnant? Yeah.
They kept that quiet.
It's a secret.
You won't say anything, will you? My lips are sealed.
Come in, if you like.
Mum and dad are out.
Not tonight, Denise, if you don't mind.
See you.
Bye.
Night.
Chop a banana over your cornflakes.
The potassium turns your sperm into torpedoes, apparently.
Yoo hoo! It's only me.
Hiya.
Yo, kids.
Hey.
# I kissed a girl and I liked it The taste of her cherry chapstick Woo! Peace in the Middle East, kids.
What's going down? Have you anything to tell us? Wind it in, Barry.
Your dad's come to help me with your curtains.
What's wrong with my curtains? They need washing.
They're not dirty.
House dust.
Biggest cause of asthma in the under-fives.
I'm 34.
Have you got any juice? I haven't had a motion since Sunday.
And now it's half-past three Pate? You can't have this.
I saw this thing on Granada Reports.
It interferes with the growth of the spine if you have too much, apparently.
You used to tell me that fags would stunt my growth.
Now you're telling me it's frigging pate.
You must have got it wrong, Sue.
Cream cheese? Yeah.
Cream bloody cheese? Why don't you sit down, Sue? I'll make you a green tea.
Pipe down, giddy kipper.
If I want green tea, I'll make it.
Got it? You can't have cream cheese.
Why not? Does it interfere with the growth of our hair? Give us ingrowing toenails? This isn't funny, Daniel.
Do you want your baby to be born with pigeon feet? No, that pigeon toes, love.
I said pipe down, Barry.
Baby? What baby? There's no need to be embarrassed, love.
I'm not frigging embarrassed.
I just don't know what you're on about.
Oh, love! You've got a bun in the oven, haven't you? No, I've not.
Yes, you have, love.
Mum, I haven't.
It's alright, love.
We know.
Didn't she just tell you to pipe down? Sorry? You know bugger all.
That's what you know.
Lisa, don't you shout at your father like that.
I'm not pregnant.
Are you going daft or something? Don't talk to your mother like that.
Are you deaf, Barry? Pipe the fuck down.
Mum, Dad.
I'm not pregnant.
I'm just fat.
No, you're not.
Everyone thinks you are.
Everyone thinks I'm fat? Everyone thinks you're pregnant.
Who? Denise, for a start.
She's not pregnant! What's the matter with everyone? So she's not the petitest of women.
Cut her some slack.
Excuse me.
I'm not the what? Petitest.
Oh, I get it.
So all that "you're not fat, you're gorgeous" was just flannel, was it? No.
Why can't you be honest with me, Dan? Sat there watching me shovel crumpets down my neck like some demented warthog.
What's the matter with you? Are you a feeder? Don't be stupid.
Won't be happy, will you, until you see me winched out the bedroom window? You're being ridiculous.
Admit it.
I'd make Moby Dick look like a fucking Tic Tac, wouldn't I? Lisa.
I'm late.
Dan, love.
What, Sue? What's a feeder? Barry likes crumpets.
Is he one? Lisa.
Leave me alone.
Come on, babes.
Lise.
Talia said congratulations to me yesterday morning.
She thought I was pregnant.
Bet she didn't.
I bet she did.
Bet she thought you looked amazing, cos you do.
So she had to insult you, undermine you.
She's just jealous.
She isn't.
I bet you me last quid she is.
As you would be if you was that much of a munter.
Talia's attractive.
No, she's not.
Her mum used to tie a pork chop on her neck when she was a nipper.
Eh? Just so the dog would play with her.
So you wouldn't, then? Talia? Not even if you were desperate? I'd rather nail me dick to the table.
Get in.
I don't mind going on a diet.
You don't need to.
Everybody else thinks I need to.
No, they don't.
And even if they did, what does it matter to them? I love your body just how it is.
That's all that matters, isn't it? Alright, then.
A little diet.
No need.
No carbs after six? That's starvation.
Poached not fried? Boring.
Half-fat cheese? Half-fat cheese is shit.
It melts funny.
We're here for a good time, not a long time, aren't we? I suppose so.
Shut the fuck up moaning and get in, then.
Do you want a lift or not? You donkey.
Oh.
Nothing more wonderful than your baby suckling from your breast.
So I believe.
Make the piles and the jelly belly pale into insignificance.
Jelly belly? Couldn't imagine the thought that my abs would one day resemble a road map of the North of England.
I soon came to terms with it when I saw the faces of my little angels.
How sweet.
To think I used to paint my toenails before I had them.
It's exciting though, isn't it? When are you due? Sex god central.
How may I be of assistance? Hi, where are you? Tesco.
Why? What's up? You know we've been a bit preoccupied with this baby stuff? Speak for yourself.
Well, I've changed my mind.
What? I just can't stand the idea of something hanging off the end of my tit that's not you.
You daft cow.
Talia.
Right, you lot.
For your information, I like meat and potato pasties, mayonnaise, blue cheese, custard doughnuts, rib-eye steak, banoffee pie and the odd chocolate brownie.
Not in that order and generally not together.
With such a particular and delicate palate come curves.
Which you will find under this coat and dress ensemble.
Kate Moss I am not.
Nor will I ever be.
But I'm a cracking shag and my husband loves me.
OK? And there is no baby.
Go on, then.
Have a go.
Get it off your chest.
What do you mean? I saw your face out there.
We all know it's never a good idea to be the centre of attention, not when Shelley's around.
Hang on a minute.
I'm ready for it.
Ready for what? The riot act.
Lisa, I thought you were ace.
I wish I was more like that sometimes.
Half of them out there think I'm a right dick.
No, they don't.
Yes, they do.
I only came in here to tell you I wanted take you out tonight.
Buy you a drink.
Who wouldn't after that performance? If that's OK? Shell.
Shell.
I'm sorry.
It's alright.
I'd love to go out for a drink.
Really? Come here.
Barry.
Barry? Barry? Barry, love? What's up, chick? When we lost our little Paul, I thought I'd never smile again.
I know, love.
Then we had our Lisa, I was the happiest man on the planet.
In the universe.
I know you were, love.
I got a bit carried away thinking our Lisa were having a baby.
Thinking I were gonna be a granddad.
But when she said she wasn't I don't know, it just brought it all back for a moment.
It never ever goes away, does it? No, love.
Never.
I'm sorry I'm such a flump.
No, you're not.
I think you're wonderful.
Right, you.
They can hear that rumbling in Morecambe.
Its two-for-one at Papa John's.
Do you fancy a meat feast before we go skating? Yeah.
It's Jack, isn't it? Dan's new neighbour? Yeah.
Hi, I'm Greg.
This is Lloyd.
How do? How are you? It's your round, Lloydy boy.
Don't think so.
I got the last one in.
Get them in.
Tell you what, lads.
Why don't I get these? Good shout, mate.
Hey, there she is.
Hello, darling.
Alright? Hello.
Bottle of dry white, please.
Thought you'd be off the drink for the next few months.
Not you as well.
It's Chinese whispers.
It's not true.
So you're not pregnant? No, for the millionth time.
I'll drink to that.
Cheers.
So I'm still in with a chance then? I'm only messing with you.
Messing.
Get a fucking grip.
Sorry, I'll come back tomorrow, shall I, if you've got company? No company.
Just me.
And now you.
I want to apologise.
What for? Aren't you cross with me? My silly little outburst.
I'm supposed to be meeting Lisa for a drink.
In her condition? Not you and all.
She's not pregnant.
I'm late.
No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
Erm I'll come and look at those jobs tomorrow, eh? Probably best.
Five minutes, Dan.
Go on.
Please.
Sorry, Kate.
Really can't.
Bye.
Ducky fuzz.
Fuck he does.
Go on, start again.
Start again.
She's drinking anyway! Right then, love.
A shag ye want, then a shag ye shall bloody have.
Really? It's just a hernia, not paralysis.
Pauline? Where's my son? There was five grand in that account.
It'll be a mistake.
Home-made shepherd's pie and he'll love you forever.
Let's get him better first and then we can go wild.
Can we? You were on fire last night, sugar tits.
I was wiping his arse 'til he were gone seven.
You don't really want to leave, do you? You are brilliant and beautiful.