Mr Bigstuff (2024) s01e02 Episode Script

1
The following program me contains
strong language and adult humour.
Have you seen this
geezer? Glen Campbell.
He works here. Are you
gonna introduce me?
He's my
brother! I was wondering
if we might have that chat today
about the assistant manager-Shh.
Why would you do this? I
wanted to get your attention.
By kidnapping my boss? Hundred
days and thy shall be wed.
Why are you? I got sent home
from work. There was a gas leak.
I just wanna ask you a question!
What do you want to ask?
You got Steve's number? Steve?
Steve! Your Uncle Steve!
You can stay at mine! Promise me
there's nothing dodgy going on.
I'm gone! So call 'em off!
STEADILY)
Aline ♪
Fifty years. You what?
That's how long it takes
for this to biodegrade.
Oh, piss off. Ugh.
Not on my street, son.
Go on.
Oh, God!
: ..people on
the narrow-mind streets. ♪
"That Was Try A
Little Kindness"Morning!
Did you sleep well?
Nah. Oh, right.
Oh, my God! Toast
there for ya.
Erm, OK, great, thank
you.
Erm, are you Are you
having- Breakfast of champions.
Morning, love. Morning.
He seems nice.
Well, did you talk? Er, no, but
he's not massively chatty, is he?
Is that your
dressing gown? Yup.
Oh, God, I'm sorry, Glen, I'm
really trying, but this is a lot.
I-I k-know I know love,
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
You know how
I feel about secrets.
There's this massive one in the
garden. What's he even staring at?
I don't care who you
are, nobody's that deep.
Well, I'm just worrying
about Ian, love. Why?
Well, because that's your promotion,
what if he's upset him? Well, yeah.
You know we've got a wedding
to pay for. Yeah, hmm.
I think we need to take some
action. Mm.I think we need
to do something for Ian, really
nice, take him out for dinner.Yes.
Butter him up a bit. We'll take
him to the Regency Regency.
We'll show him the
Wantons.Exactly.
So, ask him today if he can
do it. Yeah, yeah. Alright.
Because, love, what I don't want
is for it to come between us.
Why would it?
Because we've been, you know
We have been having a bit of a
difficult time recently.
No, because he I think
he's just, like, depressed.
Well my mum was depressed, Glen.
And we couldn't get her off the sofa
for weeks, love. And
then one day, I realised,
"Hmm, no, Mum's not depressed. Mum
just really likes Bargain Hunt."
Cheers! Hi!
Hmm.
Morning! You sleep alright?
That cunt's got 'em
all on your borders.
Oh? Ah, well. Never mind. Oi!
Morning, Roger! Hi.
The fuck was that? Tell me.
Alright? Why you're really here.
You in some kind of trouble? I told
ya. I'm looking for Steve Drummond.
Looks like he runs
a tanning place.
Fucking hell. Steve Diamond?
No wonder I couldn't
find the cunt.
Alright, well, reckon
I'll pop over there.
What, for a tan? Behave.
I'm not asking for
cancer.
He might not be there, Lee. I don't
think he's wiping down the beds.
Well, they'll know
where he is, won't they?
Don't worry. I'll be out
your hair by tonight.
Well, then
that's it. There's no
other reason Like what?
Right, then.
Well, it's, er
It's been nice. Yeah
Yeah. Erm
We'll be off to work.
Post the keys through the letter
box-Will do, and I'll be off.
Alright.
Great.Great.Great.Great.
Look, Lee, I just think that
That's hers. Yeah, I
didn't know you had it.
Yeah, it's not
It's not for using.
It's a fucking egg
cup, Glen. Yeah,
you can't ash in that.
She ash-ed in it.
I'd just really
rather you didn't.
Jungla ♪
Bam Babubam bubambam
Bam Babubam bubambam
Bam Babubam bubambam ♪
Don't Let it go.
Hey, let it go.
Let it go. Just fucking
Can you stop?
Well done.
That
was mother's, you prawn.
: Pow Wow ♪
CHIMES) Oi. Outside!
What you get sent out for?
Only one child in at a time.
I feel
ya.
Good boy.
The tanning shop over the road is
closed. Seems that way, don't it?
Only, I'm looking for Steve.
Steve don't work the shop.
Got an office nearby.
Nearby? Where? You gonna
buy something or what?
I'd love to.
As you were.
Just that, my darling.
So, this office, where is it?
It's right next door. Darling.
Oi! You Ugh!
Kids, eh?!
Lovely little
thing, in't ya, eh?
Hi, Catherine.
Yeah, so if you could just
have those numbers on my desk
by the end of play
then that'd be
Kirsty! Jen, hi!
Hello. Mm, how's things?
Yeah. Great! Really,
yeah, yeah. How are you?
Mm. Look
about your suspension
Obviously, people talk.
I mean, a lot of stuff
did go missing.
I just hope you're OK.
Thanks, Jen, thank you.
Erm And look, er,
if by "people" you mean Linda
then yeah, pinch of salt.
Because she said some pretty
crazy things about you
crying in the ladies loo
every lunch time. So
Yeah
Look after yourself, Kirsty.
Glen?
Oh, hi, Ian. I wanted a
word about last night.
Right. Yes, erm, OK Ian Ian,
I-I can't apologise enough.
I mean- What for? Well,
because Lee sort of
kidnapped you? No,
no, no, no, no,
Glen, water under
the bridge that. No,
the thing is, I-I
just needed to ask,
did he mention me, at
all?
Hmm? Afterwards?
Um
No. No worries. Just
wondered.
Well, erm, actually,
Ian, there was something
that I wanted to ask-
This might surprise you,
but I don't have many
strong male friendships.
OK Sheila's always been
my main emotional outlet.
Well,
of course, yeah.
Mm.
But it feels like
that's changing.
Well, yeah, er So So,
t-there was something I
wanted to ask you, actually.
Er,
Kirsty and I were talking
and saying how funny it is we never
see each other outside of work.
Fine. Er, yeah. And And
And so, I was wondering if, er,
if you might like to
join us, for, er, for
for, join us for dinner.(DRYER
WHIRRS)There's a Chinese we like.
They know us there,
the the Regency.
Er, just
off of junction 12.
And erm, yeah, well
And actually,
we're free tonight.
If, er
Will Lee be there?
Absolutely! Alright, then.
Your dick pills, Glen.
Thank you Brian.
Lee! Hi. It's Glen, er,
listen, mad idea, but i-i-i-if
you're still around if you haven't,
you know, left yet, then
we we were thinking, erm,
"Let's take Lee out for
dinner?" Proper send-off,
that sort of thing! We're
actually going to
to The Re Regency
"..if if you could join us."
"you know, table's booked
for seven, so really hope"
"that we will see you there."
AUTOMATED
"Message deleted."
You can go through now.
Cheers, my darling.
Fuck me. The mahogany Nosferatu.
That's a bit of
a freaky outfit, innit?
Speak for yourself.
Look at you. Oh!
Oh.
Well, well, well
Lee Campbell.
What brings you all
the way out here? Well,
I saw your little
flyer, and I thought,
"Fuck me! My dad's old
mate, Steve Drummond."
It's Diamond now. Diamond,
yeah. Thought I'd slip over,
come see how the years have
treated ya. You mean, you sat
in That reception
for all this time,
just wanna have a pow-wow with me
about how well life's treating me?
Alright, clever bollocks.
Alright, you got me!
I got a business opportunity
to run by you. Heey!
Always a move, ain't there?
Go on then, hit me. Well, the
haulage business is thriving,
I wanna expand. New
trade routes in Spain.
It's a good time for it, Steve.
I'm looking for investment
partners. Hmm, what we talking?
Twenty, twenty-five
What, bags? That's
a lump, ain't it?
Fuck me! It's a sound
investment, Steve.
Well, I hope you're
not gonna take my cash
and fuck off to Marbella and
start a new life, eh, Lee?
No!
I'll be honest,
I'm flattered that you
thought of me, Lee.
I knew I could rely on
you.
Why? Cos I've done so
well for myself? Yes!
And also because, my old
man, he did look after ya.
And he also said you
was there for him.
Whenever he needed ya, he said you
was as solid as a rock!
Is that what he said?!
Well, I tell you what
Lee. How about this?
Suck my big, ginger cock.
What? You heard. You see,
your old man was a prick.
And I, for one, am fucking
glad that he's croaked it.
Fucking
hell! Steve. Mate
Oh, well, there's the
thing, you see, Lee.
I'm not your fucking mate.
A toxic manipulator.
That's what your old man was.
Hold up a minute. So,
when I heard the great fucking
Lee Campbell was in my reception,
I thought, "What's that
slippery prick want, eh?"
See I don't know if you know,
I'm a bit of a boat now, Lee,
one of the chaps, so I
made a few phone calls.
Turns out someone's
been a naughty boy,
ain't they? Who've you been talking
to? Does "Bunny" ring a bell?
No.
Look at you. Come
crawling to me!
What would your old fucking
man say to that, eh?!
You fuck- Oh, what you gonna
do Lee? You gonna hit me, are ya?!
Go on, then. No, Steve,
I'm not gonna hit ya
cos you're fucking ancient. You know
the only one regret I have, Lee?
That I never give your
fucking old man a good hiding
when he was a-fucking live!
Yeah, we're done here.
I'll, er, see you later on Steve.
But then
I thought, "Hold on",
"we've got the next
best thing, haven't we?"
What is this? A
wind up?
Nah. I'm fucking
trained, my old son.
Give me the fucking keys, Steve.
Krav Maga. Krav fucking what?
I say bring it, cunt! Bring it!
Right, so, how how
how how are we doing this?
We're gonna bring up examples
of your leadership capabilities.
Hmm. Great. OK? Great. Yeah,
w-which particular examples?
Just leave it to me, alright? You
just say something about neighbours,
and then I'm gonna
do the rest. OK?
Right. Great, neighbours, yes.
So, how exactly do you want me
toThere he is!
Here we are! Hiya.
Ian, I was just saying to Kirsty
how you live out by the golf course.
Lovely area.
Mm.Lovely. Really, all
that lovely, erm
grass.
A-A-And the community there, must
be, you know, all the people
Yeah. ..who live
there Sorry,
sorry, could I? Oh, er, yeah.
When's Lee getting here?
Erm
This Is My Life ♪
This Is My Life
Don't be put off by, erm, er,
cos the food is really,
er, yeah, and you
You've gotta try the wontons.
Doesn't he, Glen? Those wontons!
Oh, my God.Do not get
him started on the wontons!
See they're crispy, but
they're also very, very mois
..my life
Just give me the fucking keys.
You're nothing.
Yes!
Just give me the fucking key.
Mmm. Mmm.Yummy.
Mmm.
Mmm. He's not coming, is he?
H-He wanted to. He really
wanted to. He did want to. Yeah.
"I can't believe I'm not gonna
get to go to dinner with Ian."
That's what he said to
us. "I'm livid," he said.
"I'm actually livid," you know. Yeah,
he he he couldn't make it.
Come back here you fucking
Ugh. Fuck.
Come back here. You're no big
man, Lee Campbell. You're nothing.
Do you hear me? Nothing!
Fucking lunatic!
Fuck!
Sorry.
Just really wanted him to come.
Ah, well. Yes. Ha ha.
Next time, I'm
sure, you know. Mm.
But you know, since
you're here- He's here!
Glen, I really need
to talk to you.
You came! I didn't know
if you'd still be here.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
No, no, no, I-I-I'm
not planning on- Lee,
erm, we were just talking with
Ian about neighbours, actually.
Go on, then. Sit down, you
fucker! Oh(Laughs)Eh?
Can't have you slags mullering all
the prawn crackers, eh, can we?
Lee! Sit here, eh?
Next to me. Alright.
Go on, what were you
talking about, neighbours?
It's funny you should
say that, yeah,
because recently Glen, and
he'll hate me saying this,
but he he got everyone
together, all of our neighbours
to join on a group litter pick!
And there was a bit of reluctance,
wasn't there, at first?
But he banded everybody together,
Ian and he really, he got it done,
you see, and we actually ended
up with getting a new, erm,
a dog poo bin. Dog poo bin. On
the grassy verges. Grassy verges
So, that, you know And if
that's not an example, I think,
of real leadership
erm, capabilities,
then
Sorry.
Hold on a minute.
They've whacked you right
by the khazis? It's fine!
You told me they know you here? It's
fine, Lee, it's absolutely fi
Are we OK over here?
Yeah. Yes, thank you
Yeah.Tell
him you want another table.
No, no, Lee, no. Something
wrong with this one?
Yeah, no, it's
lovely. Really lovely.
What I'm really looking
forward to is old Poirot here
dropping his guts five
foot from my head.
I mean, if there were,
you know, another table
That's not going to be possible,
I'm afraid.Hmm. Really?
Cos I can see one there.
Stop it. Can you see it?
Go on, have a little look. Stop it,
Lee. It's fine, honestly, it's fine.
Enjoy your meal. Will do.
Thank you.
Thank you. Yeah.Mm.
Get your plates.
No.What's happening? Oh, no, Ian?
Ian? OK, yup. Get your plate.
Oi, hold up. What are you doing?
This table's reserved.
We're moving or leaving.
But if we're leaving, we're not
fucking paying. No, Lee! Stop it!
Stop it! What we
won't do is stand here
and be treated like
utter shit cunts!
: Sorry.
Glen, put your wallet away
or I'll stick it up his
arsehole Velcro side first.
Ricky! Oh
Ricky.
Anytime you want, son.
Lee, I'd rather just pay!
For fuck's sake,
listen to yourself!
What is wrong with you tonight?
There is nothing wrong with me.
When are you gonna stop letting
people treat you like fucking shit?!
Where's the Old Angry Beaver?
50% off. Or we walk.
That's not going to happen.
Yeah, that's my offer,
mate. Take it or leave it.
You heard him.
Thirty and extra prawn crackers.
Forty and we don't leave you
the worst TripAdvisor rating
you've ever seen in your
goddamn life.
Suck that! Dickwad.
: No. No? No.No.
Ugh!
Ian! Be careful.
They're only keeping you overnight!
Don't worry. He'll be OK.
Oh, he, er
Asked me to give you
these.
Wants you to cover for him tomorrow
as acting assistant manager.
Ian! Cheers, Ian!
Thanks.
Congratulations,
big man.
Look, Kirst! Assistant
manager!
Kirsty!
LAUGH) Oh, here.
I, erm
You fixed it.
So, er, what
do you want to tell me?
When you got here,
you said you need to tell me
something. Yes, so what it is-
Listen, right, you're my
brother. So, you know,
if I can help you
then
Thank you because-Just not
Just not money, obviously.
You know cos, er,
every penny we've got goes
to the wedding fund! So
Yeah! Core
It's not that though, is
it? Don't be so stupid!
Course it ain't. I was gonna ask you
if I could stay for a few more days
because I feel like
we're reconnecting.
I'm gone. Ha ha!
Liberty! Liberty and
freedom! OFFICER: Hey, stop!
Sir, stop, or I
will TASER you. Oh, shit!
Oh, shit! Is that a TASER?
Argh!
Oh, my God (CROWD
Yeah, it's, er- Shall
we, er? BOTH: Yeah!
Bang Bang ♪
Bang bang
Bang bang
Bang bang
Bang bang ♪