Mr Black (2019) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
1 Your dad was good tonight.
Didn't call me snowflake once.
Maybe he's getting to know what an amazing person you are.
Oh, really? Thanks, babe.
[SHRIEKS.]
- Eww! - Where? Oh! There's a There's a I pulled the covers back and legs came out.
It's like it's got these bastard fangs.
Shh.
Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Careful! There you go.
Alright.
- Oh, God - There we go.
There you go.
Hey, look, call out if you find any more plastic spiders in your bed.
Got yourself a good one there, Angie.
Snowflake.
Morning, my love.
Coffee's in the pot Oh.
- You're still here, are you? - I live here.
- For now.
- Sorry? - Hey? - [SIGHS.]
Mr Black, I was hoping we could put our differences aside for Angela's birthday.
Huh.
I thought you wouldn't remember.
Really? I went to quite a bit of trouble to organise her party.
Flynn, you don't want to try too hard to please a woman.
- Here she is.
Darling birthday girl.
- Happy birthday, baby! Thank you.
Oh, you're both Oh.
Thank you.
Oh, OK.
Aren't I lucky? - Oh.
For you.
- Oh, thank you.
Oh, wow! Ita Buttrose's biography? You like it? Check the inside page.
- You got it signed? - Mm-hm.
Are you sure that's not Joe Hildebrand's signature? Apparently, they're very similar.
It's not Joe Hildebrand's signature.
Well, we'll see.
And happy birthday, my darling.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hm.
- Uh-oh.
- Where did you get this? First edition, signed.
I have my sources.
Dad, aren't you meant to be saving to go into care? It's all in hand, darling.
Don't worry about that.
I actually got you another small present - [SIGHS.]
'cause you deserve it.
- Really? Mm-hm.
Starting to get weird, guys.
Oh, my God.
It's beautiful.
Thanks, babe.
Your move, Mr Black.
Angie, I hope you don't mind, but I did buy you one more gift.
- Really? - Mm-hm.
Do I have a terminal illness no one's told me about? At your earliest convenience, would you mind casting your gaze through that window out there? Firstly, that's amazing.
Secondly, I hope you didn't use Mum's money.
I may have had a little win.
In which case, Mrs Black would be entitled to half of it, as you're still married.
Well, assets are frozen at the time of separation, Ally McBeal, and if I'm not going to spend it on my beautiful daughter, who would you rather I spend it on? Well, as Ange said, maybe you could set it aside for the low care accommodation, which you'll soon be moving into, is my understanding.
He does make a good point, Dad.
But on the other hand, can we go for a drive? - I insist.
- Are you coming, babe? Well, I'm kinda still in my jammies.
- That's okay! - It's really not.
Look, I don't want to spend the next six years arguing with you.
Me neither.
I was kind of hoping you'd be gone by then.
- Not dead.
- Although I was thinking, why don't we settle this man to man? The loser leaves the house forever.
You're not seriously proposing a fight, are you? Oh, I am.
But don't worry, no one's gonna get hurt, we'll use nice big gloves.
Does it have to be combat? Can't we just have a bake off? No, fights are quicker.
If you win, I'll tell Angie that I'm going into care.
If I win, then maybe you could tell her that you're dying and that you want to be left alone.
No, more plausibly, you want to live as a woman in Perth.
- Okay, I'll think about it.
- Really? - No! - Good.
That's great.
[SIGHS.]
You had your chance.
[CAR DOOR CLOSES.]
- [SIGHS.]
- Look.
Is the air turned on? - Both.
- Parking brake.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
Alright, he wants to fight? I'll give him a fight.
Yeah, you want to fight? Oh, you want to fight? You want to fight?! I will put you on your arse, old man.
I will punch you in the dick! Punch someone in the dick or on the dick? I will punch your dick off! Oh, that's not it.
"I borrowed your towel to check the engine oil on Angela's new car.
"If you don't like it, move out, Mr Black.
" [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
"Used all these, too.
Soz.
" Come on.
Ahh! I already saw it.
Don't show Peter, whatever you do, he thinks his is adequate.
- You must be Fin.
- Yeah.
And you must be? Mrs Black.
You're the main reason I came down here for Ange's birthday.
I always love the people Peter hates.
So, how are you coping? - He's alright.
- Come on, you're talking to me.
I'm the one trying to divorce the bugger.
What's he up to? Well, he's continually trying to split us up.
Everything I do is either wrong or soft.
Avocado cupcake? - Hmm.
- [SIGHS.]
But it's like Michelle Obama says, "If your opponent goes low, you go high.
" Michelle Obama was talking out of her arse.
If your opponent goes low, you go lower.
That's the only language bullies understand, and that's why my lawyers are on track to get the house and the boat.
I don't think I could play that game.
I'll teach you.
Where are they now? Angela's driving him around in the new car he bought her.
Interesting.
He bought her a new car? Yeah.
Must mean a lot to him that she likes that car.
Oh, definitely, but it's not about Angela.
It's about making me look cheap.
It'd be terrible if something happened to it.
If you get what I mean.
What do you mean? - Happy birthday, darling! - Thank you.
Dad went overboard and bought me a car.
I hope that didn't come out of the money that was owed to you.
My lawyers are already onto it.
So, pavlova's in the fridge.
Yay for your pav! Why haven't you returned any of my calls? Why haven't you signed the divorce papers? You'd better hope that my father doesn't find out that you're in his house.
He'd better bloody hope.
- Fin seems lovely.
- He's wonderful.
I think he thought I was a burglar.
He rushed out of the shower and tried to wrestle me to the ground.
He's got quite a large penis, hasn't he? - Mum! - [GROANS.]
Those lamingtons smell amazing.
I hope there'll be enough for everyone.
- Thank you for your beautiful presents.
- Oh.
- [PHONE RINGS.]
- Ooh.
Hi, Aunty Karen.
Thank you.
Oh, you don't need to sing me Happy Birth Oh, God.
Ooh, second verse, you're spoiling me.
We're clear.
Hey.
So, I got some extra fairy lights and I thought we could hang this bunting right around the garden.
Sorry, babe, I've got this hair appointment with Pandora.
- I made it three months ago.
- Oh, I know.
I couldn't get in till October.
You go.
It's fine.
- I'll help you when I get back.
- Okay.
- Bye, darling.
- Bye, Mum.
So lovely to see you two together.
Oh.
Wow, not used to people saying nice things about our relationship.
You know, Pete and I had three pretty good years together, the 18 months before we were married and the 18 months since the separation.
The bit in the middle was a shit show.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- [ENGINE SPUTTERS.]
You know, I think the highlight for me was when he super-glued the remote control, so I couldn't switch it off Fox footy.
- [ENGINE SPUTTERS.]
- Oi! Oi.
You are destroying the cooktop with that bloody scraper.
Look at it, it's all scratched.
That's how people get aluminium poisoning.
- Sorry.
- Didn't your dad teach you anything? My dad's passed away.
OK, well, that explains a few things.
It explains why he doesn't call me on my birthday.
Next time, just crank the hotplate, poor the beer on, and wipe it off with a newspaper, but not the sports section, unless it's about netball.
- ANGELA: Dad? - Yes, my darling.
Sorry, I think you might have bought a lemon.
- Bullshit.
- I can give you a lift, babe.
No, it's okay.
I'll get an Uber.
There are some ratbag kids living three doors up.
I saw them egging the Bancrofts' roof yesterday.
- And what would their beef be with me? - Oh, no, you're right.
You're an easy-going guy that's never told anyone to turn their effing music down or I'd effing come inside and reduce their effing stereo to effing kindling.
I was simply reminding them of common decency, which is absolutely no reason to What the bloody hell are you bastards up to? - What's this? - Just around here, up the drive.
- What is that? - Oh, Rowena organised it.
We're just surprising Angela with a Tuscan swing chair.
Yeah, just somewhere she can read and relax with her significant other, which is me.
Trust me, Mal, never in the 25 years we've known each other have we come across a bigger snowflake.
His bloody chai and his yoga pants.
He's even got a bloody nipple ring.
Well, there's another symbol of a generation blighted by entitlement.
Which nipple? They've got to be the worst generation in history, apart from Angela, of course.
Well, they don't share our values.
100%.
What are our values again? Uh, work hard, play hard.
Uh, uh, life is football, football is life.
Yeah.
I'll do my best, but I can't promise anything.
- Get off my lawn.
- If you break it, it's yours.
No one gives a shit about your stupid app.
You're not an influencer.
You're just a dole bludger with a smartphone.
Yep.
Uh, get off my lawn.
- Which I've already said.
- Well, you already said that one.
Uh, what about cyclists are wankers? - Don't squeeze the avocados.
- Uh, soup is a drink.
What the hell's gluten? [LAUGHS.]
If you love something, set it free.
If doesn't come back to you, get a good lawyer and hope it doesn't take you for everything you got.
Ahh, good one.
And Are they all our values? No, there's gotta be more than that.
Um Hey, Mr Black, come check this out.
- Don't freakin' tell us what to do.
- Oh, that's another one.
Yeah.
That's a good one.
Right, let's see what the little pipsqueak wants.
Just thought that given how much pressure Ange is under at work at the moment that we'd create a bit of an escape for her and us.
And you know how much she loves Tuscan design.
Bravo, and brava, Rowena.
Nice job.
- Get off my lawn.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Now.
Go on.
- Oh, me.
Sorry.
[GASPS.]
Fin! You look amazing.
Thank you.
- Got another surprise for you.
- Not another one.
This present's from me, sweetheart, with Fin's help.
- Okay.
That's the last one, okay? - You have to close your eyes.
Ooh.
MAN: [ON RADIO.]
Next is Royal Applause On his back is Partner What's that smell? Is something burning? [FIRE WHOOSHES.]
Well, that was a Tuscan swing chair.
It was gonna be a little time-out sanctuary, but somebody obviously didn't want that for you.
I'm so sorry, you two.
Why would anyone want to destroy somebody's birthday present like that? There are some sick and disturbed individuals out there.
Oh, cut it out, Dad.
This has your fingerprints all over it.
And Malcolm's, too, to be fair.
Your own daughter's birthday present.
Well, Fin, you probably shouldn't have tampered with the car.
- Well, that was actually my idea.
- Row, how could you? I don't want any more presents.
From now on, all gifts will come in the form of cash donations to the Lort Smith Animal Hospital.
Is that clear? - Yes.
- Yes.
- Oh, well, nice work, Tim.
- [DOOR SLAMS.]
Looks like someone's going to be spending the night on the couch.
- It's Fin.
- Is it? You know, maybe there is only one way to settle this.
I think you're right.
And I'll make it look like an accident, so your family get the insurance money.
No.
I'm thinking maybe we should have that fight.
Loser leaves.
Deal.
[GENERAL HUBBUB.]
Hey, love the shirt.
Lise, aww! My God, I love it! Robbie! [LAUGHS.]
I thought, "Hang about, something's up here.
" And I've taken the nappy off and what followed could best be described as a bloody poonami.
You would not believe what a visceral funk could emanate from such a beautiful little girl such as Angela.
But I digress.
She hates me telling that story.
But look, I do have a little text message from Mark, Angela's ex, who is a war correspondent in Crimea, and he says, "To my darling Angela, "thinking of you, beautiful, on this, your special day.
"There is no one alive who is youer than you.
" So, that last quote is a Dr Seuss quote, hence the poor grammar.
These days, of course, Angela is dating Flynn, who writes ads for Coco Pops.
Yeah, well, not just Coco Pops.
So, covering a war in Crimea.
"Just like a chocolate milkshake, only crunchy.
" - I didn't write that bit.
- Didn't even write that bit.
He did, of course, just win a Golden Liar, which, in advertising terms, is the highest honour there is.
Lion.
It's called a Lion.
But what he lacks in traditional writing ability, he makes up for with being a bloody good sport because he and I have put together a little show for Angela's birthday in the form of a fight.
- Did he say fight? - Queensbury rules.
We're using very soft gloves.
That's right, so no one's going to get hurt, not physically anyway.
So, who wants to see Flynn and I go toe-to-toe? We do have a donations box up here for Angela's favourite charity, the Lort Smith Animal Hospital.
So, if you want to save some animals whilst watching two dickheads try and knock each other's heads off - With very soft gloves.
- put your money where your mouth is.
- Now, who wants to see it? - CROWD: Yeah! - I can't hear you.
- Yeah! Alright! Let's do this, Malcolm.
- Me? - Thank you, Pete.
You go stretch.
I'll go and warm up.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, don't forget to donate generously, - and follow me! - [CHEERING.]
Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight! Ladies and gentlemen, I welcome you to the Thrilla in Vanilla! In the blue corner, weighing in at 70 kilos, with zero fights, zero knock-outs and zero chance, please give it up for Fin 'the Wank' Cruikshank! [CHEERING.]
Sorry, Fin.
Mr Black wrote that.
You don't need to do this.
It was actually your dad's idea and I said no, but then I thought of the Thrilla in Vanilla.
And Fin's opponent, weighing in at 65 kilos, with 30 fights, zero losses, 10 knock-outs, the former bantam weight champion of metropolitan Melbourne, Peter 'the Richmond Renegade' Black! Yeah Alright [CHEERING.]
Oh, what? - Come on! Make some noise! - [CHEERING.]
- Hey! - Here we go.
Alright, gentlemen, let's have a clean bout.
Come in, touch hands.
Back to your corners.
Knock him on his arse, Pete.
[LAUGHS.]
No.
No offence, Fin.
Ah, my - Get on with it, Malcolm.
- Fight! Get him, Pete.
Smash him, yeah! Who's cutting your steak into tiny little pieces for you there, snowflake? Yeah, well, I'm gonna be slathering myself on the toilet with your hand rags.
[CROWD GASPS.]
No! Oh, is he Is he alright? Oh, my God.
Ambulance.
They were the most masculine flowers in the kiosk.
They've got thorns and everything.
- I'm sorry.
- You needn't apologise.
And just so you know, I'm gonna honour the bet.
The money's going to Lort Smith and I'll be moving out as soon as I find suitable accommodation.
Well, take your time.
I'm just relieved you're okay.
You got a hell of a right on you, kid.
If you want some training, I could always take you down to the gym.
I'd love that.
I'm sorry for getting between you and Angela.
I know it was a dickish move, but I was testing you out to see if you've got the ticker to go the distance.
I love your daughter and nothing's going to change that.
Thanks, mate.
That means a lot.
[SIGHS.]
I'm just glad we can we can talk, - have a normal conversation.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Might have knocked some sense into me.
- [CHUCKLES.]
So sorry for being late.
I couldn't find a park.
Are you OK, Dad? Dad? Dad, can you hear me? It's me.
- Huh? - Dad? [WEAKLY.]
Water.
- I cautioned you about fighting him.
- No, wait, wait, wait.
Ten seconds ago he was absolutely fine.
- He was apologising.
- Don't make shit up, Fin.
It's not funny.
Mama.
Papa.
Oh, come on! This is Olivier-esque.
He deserves an Oscar for this, a Logie at least.
How can you joke? You pretty much killed him.
The fight was his idea.
I just came up with the title on my own.
What are you trying to prove by fighting a middle-aged man with a degenerative bone disease? The light.
Not the light.
Oh, there's no chance of that, mate.
- You'll be going the other way.
- Fin! - Dad? Dad, it's gonna be okay.
- How is he? - He's not good.
- Oh, dear.
I hope he can hear me.
Peter, can you hear me? Huh? I just wanted you to know that we've returned the $5,000 Hemmingway first edition.
Huh? Mum, is that really the right time to have this conversation? And we've taken the car back.
- You had no right to do that! - Dad, are you okay? That's our money, you're not supposed to spend it until after the settlement.
All I was trying to do was to fill the hole left in her heart - since you upped and left.
- [SCOFFS.]
Children of separated parents experience lasting difficulties.
Angela is not a child.
Against all advice, I stayed till she'd grown into a delightful young woman.
Well, you don't see the real Angela, a broken young woman making terrible choices with 'men'.
I've got a plane to catch.
Bye, darling.
- Bye, Mum.
- Bye, Fin.
Nice punch.
Go back to your coma, Peter.
Go back to your bloody coma! So, we're gonna go get some food.
Do you want to join us or return to being a vegetable? You can be cruel, like your mother, but yes, I will join you, I'm famished.
Lovely.
Then we'll go home and pack your bags.
Oh, babe, he can't leave now.
He's recovering from a blow to the head.
Is that okay? - But after that? - Sure.
Didn't call me snowflake once.
Maybe he's getting to know what an amazing person you are.
Oh, really? Thanks, babe.
[SHRIEKS.]
- Eww! - Where? Oh! There's a There's a I pulled the covers back and legs came out.
It's like it's got these bastard fangs.
Shh.
Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Careful! There you go.
Alright.
- Oh, God - There we go.
There you go.
Hey, look, call out if you find any more plastic spiders in your bed.
Got yourself a good one there, Angie.
Snowflake.
Morning, my love.
Coffee's in the pot Oh.
- You're still here, are you? - I live here.
- For now.
- Sorry? - Hey? - [SIGHS.]
Mr Black, I was hoping we could put our differences aside for Angela's birthday.
Huh.
I thought you wouldn't remember.
Really? I went to quite a bit of trouble to organise her party.
Flynn, you don't want to try too hard to please a woman.
- Here she is.
Darling birthday girl.
- Happy birthday, baby! Thank you.
Oh, you're both Oh.
Thank you.
Oh, OK.
Aren't I lucky? - Oh.
For you.
- Oh, thank you.
Oh, wow! Ita Buttrose's biography? You like it? Check the inside page.
- You got it signed? - Mm-hm.
Are you sure that's not Joe Hildebrand's signature? Apparently, they're very similar.
It's not Joe Hildebrand's signature.
Well, we'll see.
And happy birthday, my darling.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hm.
- Uh-oh.
- Where did you get this? First edition, signed.
I have my sources.
Dad, aren't you meant to be saving to go into care? It's all in hand, darling.
Don't worry about that.
I actually got you another small present - [SIGHS.]
'cause you deserve it.
- Really? Mm-hm.
Starting to get weird, guys.
Oh, my God.
It's beautiful.
Thanks, babe.
Your move, Mr Black.
Angie, I hope you don't mind, but I did buy you one more gift.
- Really? - Mm-hm.
Do I have a terminal illness no one's told me about? At your earliest convenience, would you mind casting your gaze through that window out there? Firstly, that's amazing.
Secondly, I hope you didn't use Mum's money.
I may have had a little win.
In which case, Mrs Black would be entitled to half of it, as you're still married.
Well, assets are frozen at the time of separation, Ally McBeal, and if I'm not going to spend it on my beautiful daughter, who would you rather I spend it on? Well, as Ange said, maybe you could set it aside for the low care accommodation, which you'll soon be moving into, is my understanding.
He does make a good point, Dad.
But on the other hand, can we go for a drive? - I insist.
- Are you coming, babe? Well, I'm kinda still in my jammies.
- That's okay! - It's really not.
Look, I don't want to spend the next six years arguing with you.
Me neither.
I was kind of hoping you'd be gone by then.
- Not dead.
- Although I was thinking, why don't we settle this man to man? The loser leaves the house forever.
You're not seriously proposing a fight, are you? Oh, I am.
But don't worry, no one's gonna get hurt, we'll use nice big gloves.
Does it have to be combat? Can't we just have a bake off? No, fights are quicker.
If you win, I'll tell Angie that I'm going into care.
If I win, then maybe you could tell her that you're dying and that you want to be left alone.
No, more plausibly, you want to live as a woman in Perth.
- Okay, I'll think about it.
- Really? - No! - Good.
That's great.
[SIGHS.]
You had your chance.
[CAR DOOR CLOSES.]
- [SIGHS.]
- Look.
Is the air turned on? - Both.
- Parking brake.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
Alright, he wants to fight? I'll give him a fight.
Yeah, you want to fight? Oh, you want to fight? You want to fight?! I will put you on your arse, old man.
I will punch you in the dick! Punch someone in the dick or on the dick? I will punch your dick off! Oh, that's not it.
"I borrowed your towel to check the engine oil on Angela's new car.
"If you don't like it, move out, Mr Black.
" [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
"Used all these, too.
Soz.
" Come on.
Ahh! I already saw it.
Don't show Peter, whatever you do, he thinks his is adequate.
- You must be Fin.
- Yeah.
And you must be? Mrs Black.
You're the main reason I came down here for Ange's birthday.
I always love the people Peter hates.
So, how are you coping? - He's alright.
- Come on, you're talking to me.
I'm the one trying to divorce the bugger.
What's he up to? Well, he's continually trying to split us up.
Everything I do is either wrong or soft.
Avocado cupcake? - Hmm.
- [SIGHS.]
But it's like Michelle Obama says, "If your opponent goes low, you go high.
" Michelle Obama was talking out of her arse.
If your opponent goes low, you go lower.
That's the only language bullies understand, and that's why my lawyers are on track to get the house and the boat.
I don't think I could play that game.
I'll teach you.
Where are they now? Angela's driving him around in the new car he bought her.
Interesting.
He bought her a new car? Yeah.
Must mean a lot to him that she likes that car.
Oh, definitely, but it's not about Angela.
It's about making me look cheap.
It'd be terrible if something happened to it.
If you get what I mean.
What do you mean? - Happy birthday, darling! - Thank you.
Dad went overboard and bought me a car.
I hope that didn't come out of the money that was owed to you.
My lawyers are already onto it.
So, pavlova's in the fridge.
Yay for your pav! Why haven't you returned any of my calls? Why haven't you signed the divorce papers? You'd better hope that my father doesn't find out that you're in his house.
He'd better bloody hope.
- Fin seems lovely.
- He's wonderful.
I think he thought I was a burglar.
He rushed out of the shower and tried to wrestle me to the ground.
He's got quite a large penis, hasn't he? - Mum! - [GROANS.]
Those lamingtons smell amazing.
I hope there'll be enough for everyone.
- Thank you for your beautiful presents.
- Oh.
- [PHONE RINGS.]
- Ooh.
Hi, Aunty Karen.
Thank you.
Oh, you don't need to sing me Happy Birth Oh, God.
Ooh, second verse, you're spoiling me.
We're clear.
Hey.
So, I got some extra fairy lights and I thought we could hang this bunting right around the garden.
Sorry, babe, I've got this hair appointment with Pandora.
- I made it three months ago.
- Oh, I know.
I couldn't get in till October.
You go.
It's fine.
- I'll help you when I get back.
- Okay.
- Bye, darling.
- Bye, Mum.
So lovely to see you two together.
Oh.
Wow, not used to people saying nice things about our relationship.
You know, Pete and I had three pretty good years together, the 18 months before we were married and the 18 months since the separation.
The bit in the middle was a shit show.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- [ENGINE SPUTTERS.]
You know, I think the highlight for me was when he super-glued the remote control, so I couldn't switch it off Fox footy.
- [ENGINE SPUTTERS.]
- Oi! Oi.
You are destroying the cooktop with that bloody scraper.
Look at it, it's all scratched.
That's how people get aluminium poisoning.
- Sorry.
- Didn't your dad teach you anything? My dad's passed away.
OK, well, that explains a few things.
It explains why he doesn't call me on my birthday.
Next time, just crank the hotplate, poor the beer on, and wipe it off with a newspaper, but not the sports section, unless it's about netball.
- ANGELA: Dad? - Yes, my darling.
Sorry, I think you might have bought a lemon.
- Bullshit.
- I can give you a lift, babe.
No, it's okay.
I'll get an Uber.
There are some ratbag kids living three doors up.
I saw them egging the Bancrofts' roof yesterday.
- And what would their beef be with me? - Oh, no, you're right.
You're an easy-going guy that's never told anyone to turn their effing music down or I'd effing come inside and reduce their effing stereo to effing kindling.
I was simply reminding them of common decency, which is absolutely no reason to What the bloody hell are you bastards up to? - What's this? - Just around here, up the drive.
- What is that? - Oh, Rowena organised it.
We're just surprising Angela with a Tuscan swing chair.
Yeah, just somewhere she can read and relax with her significant other, which is me.
Trust me, Mal, never in the 25 years we've known each other have we come across a bigger snowflake.
His bloody chai and his yoga pants.
He's even got a bloody nipple ring.
Well, there's another symbol of a generation blighted by entitlement.
Which nipple? They've got to be the worst generation in history, apart from Angela, of course.
Well, they don't share our values.
100%.
What are our values again? Uh, work hard, play hard.
Uh, uh, life is football, football is life.
Yeah.
I'll do my best, but I can't promise anything.
- Get off my lawn.
- If you break it, it's yours.
No one gives a shit about your stupid app.
You're not an influencer.
You're just a dole bludger with a smartphone.
Yep.
Uh, get off my lawn.
- Which I've already said.
- Well, you already said that one.
Uh, what about cyclists are wankers? - Don't squeeze the avocados.
- Uh, soup is a drink.
What the hell's gluten? [LAUGHS.]
If you love something, set it free.
If doesn't come back to you, get a good lawyer and hope it doesn't take you for everything you got.
Ahh, good one.
And Are they all our values? No, there's gotta be more than that.
Um Hey, Mr Black, come check this out.
- Don't freakin' tell us what to do.
- Oh, that's another one.
Yeah.
That's a good one.
Right, let's see what the little pipsqueak wants.
Just thought that given how much pressure Ange is under at work at the moment that we'd create a bit of an escape for her and us.
And you know how much she loves Tuscan design.
Bravo, and brava, Rowena.
Nice job.
- Get off my lawn.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Now.
Go on.
- Oh, me.
Sorry.
[GASPS.]
Fin! You look amazing.
Thank you.
- Got another surprise for you.
- Not another one.
This present's from me, sweetheart, with Fin's help.
- Okay.
That's the last one, okay? - You have to close your eyes.
Ooh.
MAN: [ON RADIO.]
Next is Royal Applause On his back is Partner What's that smell? Is something burning? [FIRE WHOOSHES.]
Well, that was a Tuscan swing chair.
It was gonna be a little time-out sanctuary, but somebody obviously didn't want that for you.
I'm so sorry, you two.
Why would anyone want to destroy somebody's birthday present like that? There are some sick and disturbed individuals out there.
Oh, cut it out, Dad.
This has your fingerprints all over it.
And Malcolm's, too, to be fair.
Your own daughter's birthday present.
Well, Fin, you probably shouldn't have tampered with the car.
- Well, that was actually my idea.
- Row, how could you? I don't want any more presents.
From now on, all gifts will come in the form of cash donations to the Lort Smith Animal Hospital.
Is that clear? - Yes.
- Yes.
- Oh, well, nice work, Tim.
- [DOOR SLAMS.]
Looks like someone's going to be spending the night on the couch.
- It's Fin.
- Is it? You know, maybe there is only one way to settle this.
I think you're right.
And I'll make it look like an accident, so your family get the insurance money.
No.
I'm thinking maybe we should have that fight.
Loser leaves.
Deal.
[GENERAL HUBBUB.]
Hey, love the shirt.
Lise, aww! My God, I love it! Robbie! [LAUGHS.]
I thought, "Hang about, something's up here.
" And I've taken the nappy off and what followed could best be described as a bloody poonami.
You would not believe what a visceral funk could emanate from such a beautiful little girl such as Angela.
But I digress.
She hates me telling that story.
But look, I do have a little text message from Mark, Angela's ex, who is a war correspondent in Crimea, and he says, "To my darling Angela, "thinking of you, beautiful, on this, your special day.
"There is no one alive who is youer than you.
" So, that last quote is a Dr Seuss quote, hence the poor grammar.
These days, of course, Angela is dating Flynn, who writes ads for Coco Pops.
Yeah, well, not just Coco Pops.
So, covering a war in Crimea.
"Just like a chocolate milkshake, only crunchy.
" - I didn't write that bit.
- Didn't even write that bit.
He did, of course, just win a Golden Liar, which, in advertising terms, is the highest honour there is.
Lion.
It's called a Lion.
But what he lacks in traditional writing ability, he makes up for with being a bloody good sport because he and I have put together a little show for Angela's birthday in the form of a fight.
- Did he say fight? - Queensbury rules.
We're using very soft gloves.
That's right, so no one's going to get hurt, not physically anyway.
So, who wants to see Flynn and I go toe-to-toe? We do have a donations box up here for Angela's favourite charity, the Lort Smith Animal Hospital.
So, if you want to save some animals whilst watching two dickheads try and knock each other's heads off - With very soft gloves.
- put your money where your mouth is.
- Now, who wants to see it? - CROWD: Yeah! - I can't hear you.
- Yeah! Alright! Let's do this, Malcolm.
- Me? - Thank you, Pete.
You go stretch.
I'll go and warm up.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, don't forget to donate generously, - and follow me! - [CHEERING.]
Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight! Ladies and gentlemen, I welcome you to the Thrilla in Vanilla! In the blue corner, weighing in at 70 kilos, with zero fights, zero knock-outs and zero chance, please give it up for Fin 'the Wank' Cruikshank! [CHEERING.]
Sorry, Fin.
Mr Black wrote that.
You don't need to do this.
It was actually your dad's idea and I said no, but then I thought of the Thrilla in Vanilla.
And Fin's opponent, weighing in at 65 kilos, with 30 fights, zero losses, 10 knock-outs, the former bantam weight champion of metropolitan Melbourne, Peter 'the Richmond Renegade' Black! Yeah Alright [CHEERING.]
Oh, what? - Come on! Make some noise! - [CHEERING.]
- Hey! - Here we go.
Alright, gentlemen, let's have a clean bout.
Come in, touch hands.
Back to your corners.
Knock him on his arse, Pete.
[LAUGHS.]
No.
No offence, Fin.
Ah, my - Get on with it, Malcolm.
- Fight! Get him, Pete.
Smash him, yeah! Who's cutting your steak into tiny little pieces for you there, snowflake? Yeah, well, I'm gonna be slathering myself on the toilet with your hand rags.
[CROWD GASPS.]
No! Oh, is he Is he alright? Oh, my God.
Ambulance.
They were the most masculine flowers in the kiosk.
They've got thorns and everything.
- I'm sorry.
- You needn't apologise.
And just so you know, I'm gonna honour the bet.
The money's going to Lort Smith and I'll be moving out as soon as I find suitable accommodation.
Well, take your time.
I'm just relieved you're okay.
You got a hell of a right on you, kid.
If you want some training, I could always take you down to the gym.
I'd love that.
I'm sorry for getting between you and Angela.
I know it was a dickish move, but I was testing you out to see if you've got the ticker to go the distance.
I love your daughter and nothing's going to change that.
Thanks, mate.
That means a lot.
[SIGHS.]
I'm just glad we can we can talk, - have a normal conversation.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Might have knocked some sense into me.
- [CHUCKLES.]
So sorry for being late.
I couldn't find a park.
Are you OK, Dad? Dad? Dad, can you hear me? It's me.
- Huh? - Dad? [WEAKLY.]
Water.
- I cautioned you about fighting him.
- No, wait, wait, wait.
Ten seconds ago he was absolutely fine.
- He was apologising.
- Don't make shit up, Fin.
It's not funny.
Mama.
Papa.
Oh, come on! This is Olivier-esque.
He deserves an Oscar for this, a Logie at least.
How can you joke? You pretty much killed him.
The fight was his idea.
I just came up with the title on my own.
What are you trying to prove by fighting a middle-aged man with a degenerative bone disease? The light.
Not the light.
Oh, there's no chance of that, mate.
- You'll be going the other way.
- Fin! - Dad? Dad, it's gonna be okay.
- How is he? - He's not good.
- Oh, dear.
I hope he can hear me.
Peter, can you hear me? Huh? I just wanted you to know that we've returned the $5,000 Hemmingway first edition.
Huh? Mum, is that really the right time to have this conversation? And we've taken the car back.
- You had no right to do that! - Dad, are you okay? That's our money, you're not supposed to spend it until after the settlement.
All I was trying to do was to fill the hole left in her heart - since you upped and left.
- [SCOFFS.]
Children of separated parents experience lasting difficulties.
Angela is not a child.
Against all advice, I stayed till she'd grown into a delightful young woman.
Well, you don't see the real Angela, a broken young woman making terrible choices with 'men'.
I've got a plane to catch.
Bye, darling.
- Bye, Mum.
- Bye, Fin.
Nice punch.
Go back to your coma, Peter.
Go back to your bloody coma! So, we're gonna go get some food.
Do you want to join us or return to being a vegetable? You can be cruel, like your mother, but yes, I will join you, I'm famished.
Lovely.
Then we'll go home and pack your bags.
Oh, babe, he can't leave now.
He's recovering from a blow to the head.
Is that okay? - But after that? - Sure.