Mr. Mayor (2021) s01e02 Episode Script

Grass.
Reefer.
Jazz cigarettes.
Jamaican caviar.
Whatever you call it, legalized marijuana is here to stay.
Did you not review his remarks beforehand? I wrote them.
I looked up all the slang on my church's website.
Today, the legal marijuana business is a financial boon to our city.
So I am proud to be here at the grand opening of L.
A.
's 10,000th dispensary.
You ready, L.
A.
? Go buy drugs now! He improv'd that.
At 10:00, we go to Alf Junior High School, which he named after Alf from the show "Alf.
" So much history in this city.
It's a photo op for the Meatless Monday school lunch initiative.
Yeah, should be a total lay-up.
We just don't want to get meme-ed.
You know, the funny internet photos? Oh, like the one with the happy baby, and underneath it says, "When you hit the fairway.
" It's funny because how would the baby know, right? That's hilarious, sir, but as a public figure, you don't want to become a funny picture.
- Okay.
- That's why we avoid bathing suits, dancing at a cultural day, and, above all, eating on camera.
- Got it, no eating.
- After Meatless Mondays, we go to El Segundo to open up a community center.
And I figure we can eat in the car.
It's my turn to pick, and I pick tacos.
- In the car, Jayden? - Tacos is a terrible car food.
I pick tacos! - Okay.
- After that, we go to Tujunga to judge a Cutest Grandpa competition.
- That sounds fun.
- A what? No, I'm the mayor.
I shouldn't be spending my day going to a ceremony celebrating zero deaths at Six Flags this summer.
Oh, no, they actually canceled that this morning.
- They checked the bushes.
- Now, what I'm saying is we have real problems here homelessness, infrastructure.
The Oscar host situation.
God, that group thing does not work.
These photo ops and canned speeches it's just pointless.
I want to do something.
Let's fix the traffic problem.
Build a subway.
L.
A.
has a subway, sir.
Well, it stinks.
- Hey.
- What? I hate my job too.
But you know how I get through the day? We all know how you get through your day.
This is what change looks like.
I am the first woman of color without a master's degree to serve as chief of staff.
Hashtag progress, hashtag one filter.
My first act as "the boss" changing the code on the executive bathroom to the birthday of a feminist icon.
Katniss Everdeen.
Hey, I'm not perfect.
My nails are chipped.
I get UTIs.
My car is filthy.
Oh! Hey guys.
I mean, good morning, sir.
Good morning.
Apparently, I'm not gonna be in the office at all today because being mayor is 90% photo ops and animal funerals.
Not just any animal.
Dog with a Blog.
So I'm putting you in charge today, Mikaela, and you have one job babysit Arpi Meskimen.
Keep your friends close but keep your enemies closer.
That's why I'm so nice to my sister's baby.
I don't trust the deputy mayor, so keep her distracted, okay? I'll be cigarette lighter.
She'll be my sister's baby.
Thank you Mikaela.
I'm not saying this about a dog.
I'll show you a picture, sir.
For a dog he was pretty hot, and for a blogger, he was very hot.
This is my office.
Still got a lot of work to do.
I heard you wanted to see me.
I'd been hoping to get a minute with you as well.
I'd love to show you "Pee-pee porn.
" Ew, no.
Wait, is that sex negative? It's an acronym for Private Plane Paths Over Residential Neighborhoods.
I been working on this ever since the Richie-Riches in Santa Monica got the FAA to ban private jets at their airport because of noise pollution.
The problem is, now Van Nuys airport is getting twice the traffic, which means twice the noise over poorer neighborhoods.
And it's really affecting the kids there.
I mean, did you see this year's L.
A.
County Spelling Bee? Your word is syzygy.
- What? - Syzygy.
What? - Syzygy! - What? - Mm.
- I'd love to take PPPORN to the Council with Mayor Bremer's support.
And since he's out, his chief of staff is the boss.
So, boss Arpi, obviously, PPPORN is worth looking at, but it's not going to be our priority today.
Fair enough.
So what is? Um today, I was thinking that we could all settle in, set up our offices.
I'm sure you have a lot of unpacking to do.
No, I asked them to not give me an office.
This is all of the desk I need.
Inbox, outbox, pepper spray, trail mix, and a David Baldacci novel for red lights while I'm on my bicycle.
Well, as you can see, my office still needs a lot of work.
I get it.
Optics are important.
You're the chief of frickin' staff.
You got the cherry parking spot and the code to the good bathroom.
You need an office space that reflects that.
So how can I help? Okay, great.
Well, I got some magazines.
- Looking for ideas.
Smart.
- I was going to make a vision board.
See it all together.
Find a theme.
But I couldn't find any tape.
Well, then let's get you some tape.
To the supply closet, boss.
Why am I sitting in traffic? Where's my police escort? Okay, so I did order a police escort off of the internet, but when she showed up, she was a stripper.
So I told her to go home, and she said, "I don't have a home," so I said, "Come live with me.
" - Hey, sweetheart.
- We watched your press conference this morning in civics we're doing a unit on the boomer generation's failure and hypocrisy.
Like how a certain powerful boomer wouldn't let me buy a CBD mud mask, but this morning he told the whole city to go and buy drugs.
Okay, all right, look, that was the mayor talking.
Cannabis is legal for adults.
You're 15, Orly.
You do know that legalization is racist and classist, right? A lot of marginalized communities depend on the illicit drug trade to live.
The poor, surfers, DJs with crushing DJ school debt.
You are so smart.
I'm so proud of you.
Ooh, sir, we are back on for Six Flags.
That body they found turned out to be a very realistic sex doll.
And we're celebrating that? Really? Yes.
Jared, yes! That was the best Spider-Man.
Yeah! Someone's mood has improved.
Yeah, I had a couple pudding cups.
That's a very cool blouse.
Wait, that was just a heart.
And now it's a soccer ball? Are you kidding me, Chloe R.
? Did you Oh, yeah.
Okay, let's just get this over with.
Okay, everybody.
Sir, sir, remember.
Don't eat.
Whisper, whisper, whisper.
So "meatless Mondays" on three! One, two Oh my God, what is he doing? Is he rolling it up, tip to crust? No, no, please don't eat it.
Don't eat it, don't eat it! - Don't eat it! Oh! - Oh! Sir.
Meatless Monday.
I have so much food in my mouth.
I couldn't say it.
Shoot.
Looks like we're out of tape.
This tends to happen towardss gthe end of the fiscal year.
We run out of tape? City government, boss.
It ain't Google with their free breakfasts and meditation rooms, and all the tape in the world.
Well, I guess we could go buy some.
Or we make like government workers and get resourceful.
This is an opportunity for you to learn how things get done around here, ma'am.
Let me show you the ropes.
Well, I don't want to waste your whole day.
Waste? Hey, I'm here to help you.
And I know a guy who might just have some tape.
Double sided.
The good stuff.
I'm not sure why you think I'd have double-sided tape.
I'm just a normal guy.
Well, sorry to waste your time, Herb.
Let's go, Ms.
Shaw.
However, perhaps I could find some.
I don't know where, just off the top of my head.
I mean, not there.
What? But you need to do me a favor first.
I'm not letting you draw me again.
My council parking placard was revoked recently.
Yes, I parked at a fire hydrant so I could run into the drugstore, but that's only because if my mistress gets pregnant, that would affect my work for the city.
Preaching to the choir, Councilman.
So if you could arrange for the return of my placard, I might just be able to secure some very sticky tape for you.
We've been meme'd.
Hard.
You just got a targeted ad for a pillow with a heartbeat? Okay, that's private, Tommy.
Well, do you think I wanted to see it? You guys, I'm loving the banter.
Sir, why did you do that with the pizza? Why are you guys so serious? I'm in a good mood now.
- Oh my God.
- Wink.
Wait, Mr.
Mayor, back at the weed dispensary I got a bear.
Then I ate a bear.
Hey, I just want to say, it was really cool meeting someone as tall as you, so feel free to partake.
I haven't smoked in years.
You don't have to smoke, man.
They're edibles, you just eat them.
An hour later, you'll forget all about the backstabbing in the unicycle community.
It would've been rude if I'd said no.
But you didn't need to actually eat one of them.
Yes, I did.
'Cause you guys keep dragging me all over town for nothing.
So yeah.
Oh, come on.
It was just a couple of bears.
Whoever got hurt by bears? Well, when my aunt was having her last-ever period, she went to the woods Sir, what do you mean, a couple of bears? Shh-shh, Tommy will get mad.
Oh wait, I just I did that It's funny you ask about placards, Arpi.
Because my brother-in-law is the DOT liaison with the L.
A.
P.
D.
traffic coordination section.
Huh.
What do you know? And hey, if there's anything the chief of staff and I can do in return Look, the mayor's office issues an official proclamation for pretty much every day of the year.
Yes, sir, today I believe is Ugly Nanny Day here in Los Angeles.
Well, my twin daughters Cameron and Sophie.
Lovely girls.
Well, thank you.
They turn 16 in May.
My ex-wife's new husband works for Disney.
So every birthday, I get my ass handed to me.
Last year, they got to melt Olaf.
Divorce is toughest on the dads.
But this year, I'm going to bury Kevin.
I want the twins' birthdays, May 5th, to be declared Sophie and Cameron Higbee day.
Well, that's something the mayor's office would have to approve.
Absolutely.
Arpi, why don't we spend the afternoon getting the proc language just right.
Frank, tell us about your daughters.
Wonderful.
For starters, the divorce was their fault.
That's one hell of a proclamation.
Now, let's get the mayor's Jane Hancock on this.
Feminism.
Look, I don't want this to take any longer than it needs to, but before we use the AutoPen, I should probably call the mayor.
Sure thing.
Due diligence.
I'll just be over here doing my stretches.
Guys, guys, guys.
It's Mikaela from work.
Act like we're not high.
- Hello, Officer.
- Sir, it's Mikaela.
I just wanted to let you know that Arpi and I - Hello, sir.
- Have been together all day Haven't even bathroomed.
And right now, we were wondering if we can maybe use the AutoPen to make next May 5th Sophie and Cameron Higbee Day? That sounds amazing.
Hey.
We should meet up.
Wherever we are in our lives, we should be together for Sophie and Cameron Higbee Day.
Okay? Love you.
Sir, maybe we should go ahead and cancel our next stop.
No, no, no, come on.
Look at me.
I can maintain.
I've been maintaining on real pot since since before your parents even thought about having a child.
Thought about? I was an accident, sir.
Mr.
Mayor, I'm not a drug expert.
But according to a "Fresh Air" interview with Calvin Broadus, aka Snoop Dogg, quote, "That bleep be strong now.
Your body be like, what? That bleep go hard.
" It's not like it was in the '70s, sir.
Tommy, I'm good.
I'm actually enjoying this boring pointless day now.
In fact, what's next on my schedule? Opening a community center.
That's going to be fun.
Really.
Pot almost never makes me paranoid.
And helping Mayor Bremer cut the ribbon today, the L.
A.
King's mascot, Bailey the Lion.
What the hell is that thing? It can fly? Get the get He's got two swords.
- Oh, no, no.
- No, no, no Fly back to hell! What? What are you looking at? No! May 5, 2021 is now officially Sophie and Cameron Higbee Day.
Now, the one little hiccup is that May 5th is also Cinco de Mayo.
And the Mexican community understandably expects the proclamation for that day to be honoring them.
I see.
So if the girls are going to get their proclamation We have to move Cinco de Mayo.
Sounds time consuming and probably impossible.
Let's do it.
That's the City Hall spirit.
Andale! You want me to move Cinco de Mayo.
Ocho de Mayo is wide open, Maria.
Look, I would be willing to make some calls on your behalf, if Ah! I love that word.
Go on.
Are you aware of the bathroom situation up here? Besides me, this floor houses the Mayor's Commission on Gender Equity and Brunch, the Health Department's Office for Yogurt Safety, and someone rented space to an Ann Taylor Loft.
It's all women.
With one bathroom.
I can't take it.
Sometimes people just leave their tights in there.
Why? What happened to them? I think we can help you, Councilwoman.
Let's see.
Tape, right? Do I have any tape? Tape.
Tape, tape.
That's not tape.
Tape, tape here we go.
Regular old tape.
Why is the sun following us? This is bad.
We cannot cancel our next meeting.
It's a work safety forum with local 300, and you do not stand up the construction unions.
But the good news, sir, is at least your current state of mind is appropriate for this.
All you really need to do is listen and act concerned.
I am concerned.
About everything.
I mean, this dumb day should have been easy as pie.
But everything's all goofed.
Goofed.
Okay, let's use that.
Let's say I'm a construction worker.
And I'm telling you how worried I am about unsafe scaffolding around business sites.
Oh, that's awful.
Those poor sites.
Oh, good, good, good.
It's my turn.
It's Bob's birthday.
While he helps Farmer Pickles, let's plan a surprise party.
Was that Bob the Builder? I'm just doing what you're doing.
Oh, God I forgot Bob's birthday.
This is all very concerning.
I do not like this.
Oh, you poor, poor man.
Are you Bob? - My name is Manny Petty, sir.
- Oh.
I was working with unlabeled chemicals - Your name is what? - Manny Petty.
My hands and feet got burned when I was working Of course, your hands and feet You're Manny Petty! Hey, his name is Manny Petty.
And look what got hurt! Oh, my God, you're so funny.
Looking good.
We did it, boss.
Yeah, but I feel bad.
I wasted your whole day on this.
How much do you charge for babysitting anyway? I'm sorry, what? You babysat me all day.
That was your job, right? I-I I don't even know what you're talking about.
Oh, save it.
If the mayor didn't ask you to keep an eye on me, he's even dumber than I thought.
Fine.
Well, it worked, didn't it? I kept you busy all day.
Is that what you think happened? - Mm-hmm.
- That's real cute.
'Cause all anyone else saw was me helping the chief of staff, the woman who speaks for the mayor.
Mm-hmm.
And since Arpi Meskimen does not waste her time, they know I'm getting something in return.
What have I been trying to make happen for months? PPPORN.
Wait, so you're telling me that everyone we talked to today, they all think that the mayor supports PPPORN? Herb, Frank, Maria.
They were the three hold-outs keeping PPPORN from passing the council, but all three have pledged their support now that the mayor is so obviously onboard.
Now who's the baby, Ms.
Shaw? Yeah.
You going to want to say goo-goo-gah-gah.
I'll tell the mayor.
Let's think about that for a second.
You're gonna tell your boss that the first time he left you alone here, you got played like a garawon? That's a traditional Honduran drum I play at night to relax.
Look, it's not so bad.
PPPORN is the right thing to do.
- Oh.
- Take the win.
Go home.
Open a bag of wine.
And wake up, ready for another big day.
I told you this morning I was going to show you how things worked around here.
So you're welcome, boss.
- Oh, damn it.
- How was your day, Mr.
Mayor? What are you doing here? You're on my way home.
I head down Highland before I bike onto the freeway.
Arpi, I've had a rough day.
So I heard.
But all that dumb stuff today? People showed up 'cause you were going to be there.
And I made Manny Petty's wife cry.
Manny Petty? - Mm.
- That's hilarious.
I get it, I get it.
I just want to do all the shiny stuff, be a hero.
But I'm the mayor.
And all that dumb stuff matters to someone.
Now, those people are going to be expecting a statement.
And I'm not looking to help you, but if you don't want to talk about how you fell into an open dog grave today Mikaela signed off on it.
What? I'm changing the name.
Which is why I'm proud to announce a new initiative Rerouting air traffic for at-risk towns.
Or RATFART.
Damn it.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Stupid, stupid day.
Sir, did you say "rat fart"? Oh, there you are.
Oh no, please, please don't.
I've had a long day.
You made grilled cheese.
Is this a trap? No.
I feel bad.
They don't get to yell at my dad.
Only I get to yell at my dad.
Works for me.
after returning home from Afghanistan, all Sergeant Cusack wanted to do was surprise his daughter dressed as her favorite mascot.
It's okay.
Could I maybe have a glass of wine?