Mr. Mom (2019) s01e02 Episode Script
What About the Kids?
[MEGAN.]
I'm signing us up for one of those nanny sites.
How would you describe our family? Controlled chaos.
No nanny's gonna be drawn to the word "chaos.
" What if we approach it like this Like, let's say you're being completely, brutally honest, not sugarcoating anything.
How would you describe our family? Go.
I'd say you're a borderline neurotic but totally amazing mother who has a loving tendency of putting other people's needs in front of your own.
And only resenting it a couple times a year.
And I'm just a guy who's come to terms with the fact he hasn't made the best life decisions, but for the most part, it's a lovely experience and together we have two wonderful kids we mostly love.
So, "Happy family of four, no pets"? - Done.
Type it.
- [WHISPERS.]
Okay.
- Who likes their oatmeal watery? - [ZACK.]
Me.
Keep an eye on those flax cakes.
They burn faster.
Did you get that email from Lawrence? We're in charge of dessert for his barbecue.
[SCOFFS.]
That's the last thing I'm worried about.
My God, have you seen these rates? We can't even afford the nannies who smoke.
What about daycare? Well, I asked Hannah's preschool, and we can bump up to five days a week and add the aftercare option.
But then that still leaves Zack.
Zack can fend for himself.
Did I tell you he ate a candle yesterday? Listen.
I know you like everything to be perfect, but things have a way of falling into place.
[SIZZLING.]
They do.
Because I put them there.
Thought I smelled something.
[GREG.]
I don't know how much longer I can take this.
He started here, like, three years after you.
[GREG.]
Four years after me.
I taught him how to use Excel.
But he's got that thing, you know? You can just tell he's a winner.
[GREG.]
No, he doesn't have a thing.
He just shakes your hand and puts the other hand on top of it and you think that he likes you.
Yeah.
That makes me feel safe.
I love that about him.
- He's an affable guy.
- [GREG.]
"Affable"? Say "nice.
" You don't have to use big words to describe him now - 'cause he's your boss.
- He's a nice guy.
[CHAZ.]
You know he's raising three kids on his own.
- I know.
I hear about it every day.
- Yeah.
[GREG.]
You know, it could've been me.
Got some ideas I've been working on.
Like what? You like pizza? No.
Not really.
Oh, well, if you did, I got a good idea about it.
Hmm.
[GREG.]
What's the deal with the plant? Like, "Oh, I got an office now.
I'm gonna start decorating with a plant.
" Like, he's all fancy? Hey, guys, look.
What? - [CHAZ.]
Yeah.
- [GREG.]
You did it.
- Big time.
- Love your plant, Jerry.
[JERRY.]
Thank you.
Chaz gave it to me.
Yeah.
Enjoy that, pal.
You earned it.
- Thank you.
- You gave him that plant? - Yeah.
- You're brown-nosing him.
Nah, nah, no.
- We're just friends.
- Chaz, can you get me some coffee? You bet.
Black? Cream? Sugar? Whipped? What're we gonna do? - [JERRY.]
Black.
- All right.
Cool.
[JERRY.]
Thank you.
Jerry, wanna go to that, uh, sushi place for lunch? Not really.
But thank you.
And there'll be a meeting at 1:00.
Tell everyone.
[GREG.]
You know, maybe I have been coasting at work.
But Jerry gets the promotion? Really? [MEGAN.]
Well, look, you've been unhappy there for a long time.
Maybe it's time for a little change.
I can't do another soul-crushing nine-to-five.
If I do leave, I'm going full steam on my start-up.
Oh Yeah.
Yeah, you You could.
Mmm-hmm.
What does that mean? Uh Nothing.
It's just, it's been a lot of talk, you know, for a long time.
It's been a lot of Lot of white-boarding.
White-boarding - note cards, post-its - Yeah.
It's a it's a process.
- It's called an incubation phase.
- Is it? Listen, we're prioritizing you right now.
- [MEGAN.]
Okay.
- Okay? Give me some good news.
What did Chelsea say about nannying? She laughed, and then she got offended, and then she asked me for a hundred bucks.
[SIGHS.]
What about her auntly duties? Don't throw those on the floor.
Well, I don't want to, but the one pillow I actually use - is buried underneath all the others.
- Okay.
But just hand them to me.
Every time I go to bed, I feel like it's an archaeological dig.
- [CHUCKLING.]
Okay.
- Are there Chilean miners under there - that we're rescuing? - They're pretty.
You know, people used to sleep on dirt.
- No one needs this much comfort.
- [SHUSHES.]
Just hand them to me.
[CHUCKLES.]
God! [SIGHS.]
What do you think about that daycare center, Tranquil Meadows? Well, it's amazing.
But their wait list is like [SCOFFS.]
Oh, well, Lawrence said he has an in there.
He can get us an interview.
Really? Yes! Oh, my God.
Yes.
Tell him yes.
What are you doing? Now that I've reached my actual pillow, sleeping.
Well, text I'll text him.
Ooh.
Tranquil Meadows.
Oh! [EXHALES.]
You know you're not competing for an Olympic gold right now.
I have PTSD from when we went through this with Hannah.
Why are preschools so intense? [GASPS.]
Hi, Zack! Hi, baby.
How did it go? - I'm afraid he's not the right fit.
- What? Wh Uh, he's the sweetest kid in the world.
Have you seen his dimples? Your son pushed a little boy off the jungle gym.
- [GREG.]
Oh.
- There was blood.
- [MEGAN.]
Oh! - [GREG.]
Blood? - Whose blood? His blood? - From his body? [TEACHER.]
The other kid's.
- Oh, thank God.
- Oh, my God.
Honey - [STUTTERS.]
What, I just - We're an aggression-free zone here at Tranquil Meadows, Mr.
Anderson.
Best of luck.
Well, you seem pretty aggressive - to me.
- Yeah.
Passive aggressive.
Yeah! Good one, honey.
- Good one.
- God! Blood.
And then they called all the other daycares, and they they blackballed us.
Well, I heard the kid got his whole jaw wired shut.
So [CHUCKLES.]
He chipped his baby tooth.
- It was gonna fall out anyway.
- Hmm.
Okay, well, Greg, do not bring me down with you, okay? Oscar and I had to attend, like, three charity galas before they accepted Uma.
Please, you go to those things - for the novelty photo booths.
- Well, that is true.
- [GREG.]
But thanks for the support.
- [STAN GRUNTS.]
Shit.
If he pops that thing, you are paying for it.
[GREG.]
He's too big for that.
I think there's a weight restriction.
You should have to sign a waiver.
He smells like scotch and sorrow.
And that was before the divorce.
Whoa! Hey, guys.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Quick question.
You seen my kids? You didn't bring them, Stan.
Oh! Ah, thank God.
Whoo! [LAUGHS.]
That's right.
That's right.
Now I can properly tie one on.
It's the benefits of divorce, my friends.
Mmm Did you just cheers yourself over divorce? Yeah.
It's not my weekend with the kids.
Whoo.
[PANTING.]
Can I get you an oxygen tank, man? I hope you're not kidding.
I haven't gotten this much cardio since spring break in '99.
You graduated in '91.
Oh, yeah.
I was way too old to be there.
[BREATHES HEAVILY.]
All right.
Made yours extra strong, like Mom's.
For therapeutic purposes.
I wish I could drink my way into solving this.
Then just ask them for a couple more weeks.
It's not a big deal.
Oh, but it kind of is.
This job will be gone by Monday.
And I still don't have anyone to watch the kids.
- Unless Maybe [SIGHS.]
- No.
You know, I pulled a hamstring running after Zack the other day? I don't even know what would happen if I had to chase him for more than a block.
Well, help me coach Uma and Hannah's soccer team.
That'll put you right back into shape.
Great.
I'm in.
Okay.
Thursday afternoons? No, I can't do that.
I gotta work.
Come on.
Priorities.
These kids ain't young forever.
Megan, why is this all on you? Isn't this also Greg's problem? It's just the way we work.
Okay.
Yeah, you know what, you just put your career on hold while he keeps driving to the job that he hates every single day.
I would love to work from home and spend more time with my kids if I could.
Megan does it.
Why can't you? Yeah, but, I mean, let's be honest.
Megan is capable, and Greg is Greg.
That's a good point.
I think I can do it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Would you want to? It is not 1983 anymore.
There's, like, five dads in my building that stay home with their kids.
I know, I get that.
It's just not his forte.
Okay.
Well - [HANNAH CRYING.]
- Ah! There she is! Look! Oh, God, incoming tears.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, what happened? She's okay.
She just got donked in the bouncy house.
- Aw.
- I tried to distract her with a popsicle, - but she wanted you.
- Oh.
We should probably go.
Well, shoot.
Do we get these to go, or what? - Just - Uh, you can stay.
We'll handle this.
Oh Mom, my knee hurts.
Honey, I can't pick you up.
My hands are full.
I got ya.
What about that? Huh? Oh, come on, Zackie, you can walk.
You want me to get the car and come back? No.
It's five houses.
I got it.
You know, Krista said it took them five months to find the right daycare.
'Cause she put the "hell" in "helicopter parenting.
" I'm not surprised.
But you know, the more I think about it, I don't really want them in some daycare all day anyway.
- [GREG GRUNTS.]
- Just put them down.
Uh.
No, I I can do it.
I'm gonna call Riley tomorrow and just turn it down.
I mean, there'll be other chances.
How about me stayin' home with the kids? Oh, Greg, I don't think that that's Don't say anything.
Just Just hear me out.
You've been there.
You raised our kids.
You got us over the hump.
Now, it's my turn.
[STAMMERS.]
I am gonna do this.
Oh, my God.
You're serious? Yeah.
Have you met you? [CHUCKLES.]
Why is everyone doubting me on this? You're, like, the third person that said that to me.
I'm I'm literally carrying the family right now.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
All right.
Here's a deal.
I'll race you home.
Winner gets to choose.
Should we get her? Let's go!
I'm signing us up for one of those nanny sites.
How would you describe our family? Controlled chaos.
No nanny's gonna be drawn to the word "chaos.
" What if we approach it like this Like, let's say you're being completely, brutally honest, not sugarcoating anything.
How would you describe our family? Go.
I'd say you're a borderline neurotic but totally amazing mother who has a loving tendency of putting other people's needs in front of your own.
And only resenting it a couple times a year.
And I'm just a guy who's come to terms with the fact he hasn't made the best life decisions, but for the most part, it's a lovely experience and together we have two wonderful kids we mostly love.
So, "Happy family of four, no pets"? - Done.
Type it.
- [WHISPERS.]
Okay.
- Who likes their oatmeal watery? - [ZACK.]
Me.
Keep an eye on those flax cakes.
They burn faster.
Did you get that email from Lawrence? We're in charge of dessert for his barbecue.
[SCOFFS.]
That's the last thing I'm worried about.
My God, have you seen these rates? We can't even afford the nannies who smoke.
What about daycare? Well, I asked Hannah's preschool, and we can bump up to five days a week and add the aftercare option.
But then that still leaves Zack.
Zack can fend for himself.
Did I tell you he ate a candle yesterday? Listen.
I know you like everything to be perfect, but things have a way of falling into place.
[SIZZLING.]
They do.
Because I put them there.
Thought I smelled something.
[GREG.]
I don't know how much longer I can take this.
He started here, like, three years after you.
[GREG.]
Four years after me.
I taught him how to use Excel.
But he's got that thing, you know? You can just tell he's a winner.
[GREG.]
No, he doesn't have a thing.
He just shakes your hand and puts the other hand on top of it and you think that he likes you.
Yeah.
That makes me feel safe.
I love that about him.
- He's an affable guy.
- [GREG.]
"Affable"? Say "nice.
" You don't have to use big words to describe him now - 'cause he's your boss.
- He's a nice guy.
[CHAZ.]
You know he's raising three kids on his own.
- I know.
I hear about it every day.
- Yeah.
[GREG.]
You know, it could've been me.
Got some ideas I've been working on.
Like what? You like pizza? No.
Not really.
Oh, well, if you did, I got a good idea about it.
Hmm.
[GREG.]
What's the deal with the plant? Like, "Oh, I got an office now.
I'm gonna start decorating with a plant.
" Like, he's all fancy? Hey, guys, look.
What? - [CHAZ.]
Yeah.
- [GREG.]
You did it.
- Big time.
- Love your plant, Jerry.
[JERRY.]
Thank you.
Chaz gave it to me.
Yeah.
Enjoy that, pal.
You earned it.
- Thank you.
- You gave him that plant? - Yeah.
- You're brown-nosing him.
Nah, nah, no.
- We're just friends.
- Chaz, can you get me some coffee? You bet.
Black? Cream? Sugar? Whipped? What're we gonna do? - [JERRY.]
Black.
- All right.
Cool.
[JERRY.]
Thank you.
Jerry, wanna go to that, uh, sushi place for lunch? Not really.
But thank you.
And there'll be a meeting at 1:00.
Tell everyone.
[GREG.]
You know, maybe I have been coasting at work.
But Jerry gets the promotion? Really? [MEGAN.]
Well, look, you've been unhappy there for a long time.
Maybe it's time for a little change.
I can't do another soul-crushing nine-to-five.
If I do leave, I'm going full steam on my start-up.
Oh Yeah.
Yeah, you You could.
Mmm-hmm.
What does that mean? Uh Nothing.
It's just, it's been a lot of talk, you know, for a long time.
It's been a lot of Lot of white-boarding.
White-boarding - note cards, post-its - Yeah.
It's a it's a process.
- It's called an incubation phase.
- Is it? Listen, we're prioritizing you right now.
- [MEGAN.]
Okay.
- Okay? Give me some good news.
What did Chelsea say about nannying? She laughed, and then she got offended, and then she asked me for a hundred bucks.
[SIGHS.]
What about her auntly duties? Don't throw those on the floor.
Well, I don't want to, but the one pillow I actually use - is buried underneath all the others.
- Okay.
But just hand them to me.
Every time I go to bed, I feel like it's an archaeological dig.
- [CHUCKLING.]
Okay.
- Are there Chilean miners under there - that we're rescuing? - They're pretty.
You know, people used to sleep on dirt.
- No one needs this much comfort.
- [SHUSHES.]
Just hand them to me.
[CHUCKLES.]
God! [SIGHS.]
What do you think about that daycare center, Tranquil Meadows? Well, it's amazing.
But their wait list is like [SCOFFS.]
Oh, well, Lawrence said he has an in there.
He can get us an interview.
Really? Yes! Oh, my God.
Yes.
Tell him yes.
What are you doing? Now that I've reached my actual pillow, sleeping.
Well, text I'll text him.
Ooh.
Tranquil Meadows.
Oh! [EXHALES.]
You know you're not competing for an Olympic gold right now.
I have PTSD from when we went through this with Hannah.
Why are preschools so intense? [GASPS.]
Hi, Zack! Hi, baby.
How did it go? - I'm afraid he's not the right fit.
- What? Wh Uh, he's the sweetest kid in the world.
Have you seen his dimples? Your son pushed a little boy off the jungle gym.
- [GREG.]
Oh.
- There was blood.
- [MEGAN.]
Oh! - [GREG.]
Blood? - Whose blood? His blood? - From his body? [TEACHER.]
The other kid's.
- Oh, thank God.
- Oh, my God.
Honey - [STUTTERS.]
What, I just - We're an aggression-free zone here at Tranquil Meadows, Mr.
Anderson.
Best of luck.
Well, you seem pretty aggressive - to me.
- Yeah.
Passive aggressive.
Yeah! Good one, honey.
- Good one.
- God! Blood.
And then they called all the other daycares, and they they blackballed us.
Well, I heard the kid got his whole jaw wired shut.
So [CHUCKLES.]
He chipped his baby tooth.
- It was gonna fall out anyway.
- Hmm.
Okay, well, Greg, do not bring me down with you, okay? Oscar and I had to attend, like, three charity galas before they accepted Uma.
Please, you go to those things - for the novelty photo booths.
- Well, that is true.
- [GREG.]
But thanks for the support.
- [STAN GRUNTS.]
Shit.
If he pops that thing, you are paying for it.
[GREG.]
He's too big for that.
I think there's a weight restriction.
You should have to sign a waiver.
He smells like scotch and sorrow.
And that was before the divorce.
Whoa! Hey, guys.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Quick question.
You seen my kids? You didn't bring them, Stan.
Oh! Ah, thank God.
Whoo! [LAUGHS.]
That's right.
That's right.
Now I can properly tie one on.
It's the benefits of divorce, my friends.
Mmm Did you just cheers yourself over divorce? Yeah.
It's not my weekend with the kids.
Whoo.
[PANTING.]
Can I get you an oxygen tank, man? I hope you're not kidding.
I haven't gotten this much cardio since spring break in '99.
You graduated in '91.
Oh, yeah.
I was way too old to be there.
[BREATHES HEAVILY.]
All right.
Made yours extra strong, like Mom's.
For therapeutic purposes.
I wish I could drink my way into solving this.
Then just ask them for a couple more weeks.
It's not a big deal.
Oh, but it kind of is.
This job will be gone by Monday.
And I still don't have anyone to watch the kids.
- Unless Maybe [SIGHS.]
- No.
You know, I pulled a hamstring running after Zack the other day? I don't even know what would happen if I had to chase him for more than a block.
Well, help me coach Uma and Hannah's soccer team.
That'll put you right back into shape.
Great.
I'm in.
Okay.
Thursday afternoons? No, I can't do that.
I gotta work.
Come on.
Priorities.
These kids ain't young forever.
Megan, why is this all on you? Isn't this also Greg's problem? It's just the way we work.
Okay.
Yeah, you know what, you just put your career on hold while he keeps driving to the job that he hates every single day.
I would love to work from home and spend more time with my kids if I could.
Megan does it.
Why can't you? Yeah, but, I mean, let's be honest.
Megan is capable, and Greg is Greg.
That's a good point.
I think I can do it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Would you want to? It is not 1983 anymore.
There's, like, five dads in my building that stay home with their kids.
I know, I get that.
It's just not his forte.
Okay.
Well - [HANNAH CRYING.]
- Ah! There she is! Look! Oh, God, incoming tears.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, what happened? She's okay.
She just got donked in the bouncy house.
- Aw.
- I tried to distract her with a popsicle, - but she wanted you.
- Oh.
We should probably go.
Well, shoot.
Do we get these to go, or what? - Just - Uh, you can stay.
We'll handle this.
Oh Mom, my knee hurts.
Honey, I can't pick you up.
My hands are full.
I got ya.
What about that? Huh? Oh, come on, Zackie, you can walk.
You want me to get the car and come back? No.
It's five houses.
I got it.
You know, Krista said it took them five months to find the right daycare.
'Cause she put the "hell" in "helicopter parenting.
" I'm not surprised.
But you know, the more I think about it, I don't really want them in some daycare all day anyway.
- [GREG GRUNTS.]
- Just put them down.
Uh.
No, I I can do it.
I'm gonna call Riley tomorrow and just turn it down.
I mean, there'll be other chances.
How about me stayin' home with the kids? Oh, Greg, I don't think that that's Don't say anything.
Just Just hear me out.
You've been there.
You raised our kids.
You got us over the hump.
Now, it's my turn.
[STAMMERS.]
I am gonna do this.
Oh, my God.
You're serious? Yeah.
Have you met you? [CHUCKLES.]
Why is everyone doubting me on this? You're, like, the third person that said that to me.
I'm I'm literally carrying the family right now.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
All right.
Here's a deal.
I'll race you home.
Winner gets to choose.
Should we get her? Let's go!