Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2024) s01e02 Episode Script

1
♪
Hi.
Driver's license, banking card,
and marriage registration.
Did you, um, apply
for high-risk?
Yeah, I did.
[loud clatter]
- Mm
- [John] So, what are you, like,
ex-FBI?
Something like that.
You talk to my daughter again
- [woman exclaims]
- [John] You get thrown out?
Something like that.
[John] If it makes you
feel any better,
nobody would take me either.
It does.
What do you think happens
if we fail?
Our marriage?
Our mission.
[explosion]
[John] This marriage
is starting off
on-on a great foot.
Just great.
♪
[grunts]
Mm.
Max?
[door creaks]
Max?
♪
What are you doing?
Just going through your stuff.
What were you doing?
I was meditating.
Oh. That's cool.
Uh, do you do that every day?
I used to, before I thought
somebody might go
through my stuff.
Mm.
It's supposed to be good
for hand-eye coordination.
Yeah, it's-it's Japanese, right?
Yeah. My dad gave it to me.
He was stationed out there
for a while.
Impressive.
I'm gonna go out and, uh,
I'm gonna get some breakfast.
Okay.
I'm gonna go through your stuff.
[chuckles softly]
Do you want anything special?
No, just whatever you want.
♪
[counter man] 102!
[Jane] 102. That's me.
Hi. 102.
Uh, can I get two classic
scallion cream cheese,
uh, plain bagels?
And hold the capers.
- Anything else?
- No.
Thank you.
[sighs]
[woman 1 in video] Don't put me
in the oven and cook me.
[woman 2 laughing]
[woman 1] I don't want
to go in there.
[woman 2] Come here
and let me season you.
- [doorbell rings]
- Rub this olive oil all over you.
[woman 1] No, don't cook me.
[video stops]
Do you have a cat?
Hi there.
Hi. Do you have a cat?
No. Why?
It's been destroying my plants
and shitting in my backyard.
I don't have a cat.
Are you sure?
Because then my dog goes out
and he eats the cat poo,
which I'm sure you can
understand is pretty gross.
That is really gross, yeah.
No, uh, maybe you should
train your dog
to not eat shit.
I'm not sure you can train
a dog not to do that.
Really?
I don't know.
I think you can train a dog
to do a lot of things.
Well, I, I should get John
his breakfast.
I'm sorry about your garden,
though. That sucks.
You two have a garden, right?
With a composter?
On the roof?
Yeah, we do.
It's pretty great.
Yeah, it's nice to have that
in the city.
It's a beautiful property.
You know, we feel really lucky.
It's our dream house.
It's kind of been something
we wanted for a while.
I'm sorry, I'm not trying
to be nosy.
I'm a designer. Interiors.
- I live next door.
- Oh.
I was amazed at how quickly
your guys got
all that work done.
Are they freelance, or?
Yeah. Freelance.
What do you do for a living?
I'm a software engineer.
From San Francisco.
And your husband?
- Is this an interview?
- No.
We do the same thing.
We work together.
Well, you two must really
have an understanding.
Outside of my dumb dog,
I can't imagine spending
that much time with anyone.
That's great.
- Yeah.
- So he's John.
And you are?
- Jane.
- John and Jane.
Yeah. And your dog?
Poet. He's Poet.
From The Prophet.
That's, that's great.
Poet can't be too dumb,
then, right?
Enjoy your breakfast.
Thanks.
[Alton Ellis: "Pearls"]
What's up with that guy?
Uh, hi.
I don't know.
Think he's kind of hot, though.
Cool.
He's definitely watching us.
And he has, um, he has a dog
named after The Prophet,
which is one
of my favorite books.
It's one of everyone's
favorite books.
Is it?
- Yeah. It's one of mine.
- Are you jealous?
- Me?
- Yeah.
You sound jealous.
No, I'm not jealous.
It's just
it's-it's weird
to have my wife say
the neighbor is hot.
But I'm not your wife, actually.
Yeah. True. I-I know that.
- We're not together, really.
- I know.
- I get it.
- Okay. [chuckles]
I know that, but, you know,
do you think
the Company wants us to?
To have sex?
No.
Well, yeah, part of it.
To get together.
Uh
I don't think we should.
Do you?
No, I don't think we should,
necessarily. [chuckles]
I mean, I think it's better
if we just keep it separate.
- Absolutely, yeah.
- It's just simpler that way.
I'm not saying we should.
I know, I know, I'm just
It's great. We're agreeing.
- I agree with you. Here, I got you breakfast.
- Oh.
It's a everything bagel
with lox and salmon on it.
- I usually don't eat breakfast.
- What?!
Wait until noon.
Oof, your loss.
I love you so
Hmm.
Should I try it?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- Okay.
As I was walking
down the street one day
Oh, my God.
- Right?
- It's very good.
- I knew you'd love it.
- Damn.
So, um
did you actually want
to get married?
In real life?
- Uh, yeah.
- Mm.
Yeah. I mean, there is
something nice about
being committed to, like,
another person.
I think that's kind of cool.
I think being able to come home
at the end of a shitty day
and, you know,
just kiss someone
and make it all go away
By my side
in theory it feels like
that's, like, perfect, right?
- Mm.
- It's great.
So, why-why-why'd you go
down this path, then?
Money.
Good. Oh, thank God.
Me, too. [laughs]
Yeah.
Should we make a pact?
I love pacts.
Okay, good. Me, too.
I think, let's make
a certain amount of money
that we both feel good about,
and then we can
part our ways,
live our own lives.
Okay. Sure.
Goodbye
- No sex?
- Never.
- No sex.
- Great.
- Kinda want to have sex now, I got to be honest, uh
- [laughs]
It's just 'cause of the pact.
- But no. But no.
- No, no, no.
- Right? That's what we agreed.
- No. Yeah.
Ha-ha.
We got a package.
From?
Mr. Hihi.
Okay.
[laptop chiming]
[John] "Hihi.
Welcome back.
For your next mission,
attend silent auction.
Black-tie event."
"Dress to impress."
♪
You look nice.
Oh, thank you. So do you.
- You ready to go?
- Yeah.
[John] "Step one,
identify high bidder of
Warhol's Silver Car Crash."
- Thank you.
- "Step two.
Administer single dose
of truth serum."
"Do not exceed single dose.
Record any and all information
they give you.
Please follow a few rules.
No casualties.
Absolutely no witnesses."
Those last parts were
written in all caps.
Seems like he's serious
about that.
♪
- [valet] Good evening.
- Evening. Thank you.
What's wrong?
I'm gonna go scuff up
my shoes.
What? Why?
'Cause I'm gonna go in
as catering.
Uh
I think I think we should
stick together.
If I go in there, I'll be
one of six Black guys
who probably all know
each other.
I won't be able to move around.
This is better, trust me.
Okay.
Hold, hold, um
Could you check this for me?
Why?
It's Gucci.
- Okay.
- Thanks.
- Hi. I'm Jane Smith.
- Hi.
Smith.
[indistinct chatter]
[sighs]
[toilet flushes]
[stall door opens]
[turns on faucet]
[mutters indistinctly]
Okay.
♪
[John] Thirsty, madam?
You're so annoying.
We got in.
All you got to do is bid,
and I'll keep an eye out
for our friend.
Okay, just stay close.
You got me on the comms.
Okay, so how are we supposed
to find the highest bidder
at a silent auction?
[John] [over comm] How about
some old-fashioned spying?
Mole lady, seven million
on the Warhol.
Sweaty tits, ten million.
[Jane] Oh, Jesus, please
never give me a nickname.
American Psycho,
50 million on the Warhol.
I'm gonna check on
Angela Lansbury over here.
[man] Excuse me,
what do you have there?
[John] Um, these are
it's-it's olive oil pudding.
Okay. Thank you.
[Jane] You know,
you're a natural at this.
If the spy stuff
doesn't work out,
you should consider catering.
I think we have a winner.
Wait, what? Who?
[stomach growls loudly]
Long shift. Sorry.
You have all those treats
on your plate.
You should eat one.
[chuckles]
[Jane] I guess you should have
finished that bagel.
We got to get him alone.
Go over to him,
say something funny.
Say something funny?
Yeah, be alluring.
Like, seduce him or something.
What?
He's headed towards you.
Just go, Jane.
Just go.
I'll look him up.
Oh, shit, I-I knew
I recognized this guy.
That's Eric Shane.
He's a real estate mogul.
He owns half
of the Upper West Side.
Mint?
[container clatters]
Mint? Would you like a mint?
Mm.
[John] Net worth $15 billion.
No spouse, no kids,
no current address.
Last listed residence:
411 West 86th Street.
Di did you, um,
did you own that place
on West 86th Street with
the gorgeous iron detailing
on the balcony?
I miss that place.
- Great views. Mm.
- Yeah.
I knew you looked familiar.
I was your neighbor.
- Hmm. Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Yes, you do seem familiar.
Familiar.
[chuckles]
So, has anything
caught your eye?
It's a silent auction, so
[chuckles]
[John] We got to find a way
to get him alone.
Now, that is better.
- Uh-huh.
- Mm-hmm.
- Thank you?
- [John] What the fuck?
[Eric] Oh, God,
it's all so boring.
Just a big, boring way
to spend a lot of money, hmm?
If that were true,
you wouldn't have bid
on the Warhol.
It's the only one
worth bidding on.
It's the moment
of death repeated.
- Mm-hmm.
- Frozen.
- Eternalized into image.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's priceless.
- [John] Jane, what are you doing? You can't stick him here.
There's too many people.
"No witnesses."
- All caps.
- Everything ha-has its price.
I think it's a matter
of negotiation.
Hmm.
Would you be willing
to sell it for
No. Now, if you'll excuse me
[John] I think
you should let me try.
I think you may not be
his type.
Okay, I have a silly idea.
Mm-hmm, and what is that?
How about you and I go
somewhere private,
and we pay one of
the cater waiters
to do whatever we want?
And who would that be?
♪
♪
What do you want me to do?
Get on your knees.
[sighs]
[Eric] Yes, very good.
You, too.
Next to him.
[snaps fingers]
Now.
Closer.
Okay.
Closer.
Put your faces closer.
Get on all fours.
Open your mouths
and stick out your tongues.
You're both dogs.
Two dogs meeting at the park
for the first time
with no one around.
[John snickers]
[Eric] Be serious!
Let's resume.
Okay.
[panting]
[both panting]
[Eric] Yes.
Intimately engage
with each other.
Mm-hmm. Mm.
Yes. Mm-hmm.
Learn, learn, learn each other.
Mm-hmm.
You're both just dogs.
[barks]
[John and Jane barking]
Now kiss.
Still as dogs.
Again.
♪
[Eric barks]
[Eric yipping]
[Eric] Again. Again.
[barking continues]
- What?!
- [Eric cries out]
What was
What was that? What
What did you do?
[Jane] Why the fuck
did you do that?
What?
- [Jane] You told me to do it.
- No.
I told you I was gonna do it.
- [Jane] No!
- [discordant piano notes crash]
[panting, groaning]
Why are you
looking at me like
like I'm a big, big giant?
Are-are Are you okay?
I'm a little horny, I think.
[chuckling] Also very,
very frightened. I
I think I'm hard.
No. No, I'm not hard.
Good. I'm relieved. [sighs]
I may have peed
just the tiniest bit.
- [thud]
- This is fucking awful.
[Eric whimpering]
Do we just listen until he
gives us something valuable?
I-I don't know.
Hihi said record everything.
He's a bad seed, yeah ♪
A bad seed.
- Okay. All right.
- Okay.
We're gonna help you up.
You need to sit up.
- Must be something
- All right.
- That's okay.
- Get the Get out of here!
- [Jane yelps]
- [door slides open]
[shouting]
[Eric moans]
[distant applause]
[party host] Bidder 342.
Warhol's Silver Car Crash
Double Disaster.
[applause]
- [Eric] Hi. Hi.
- Ah.
- Ah, hi.
- Hi.
[chuckles] Hello.
I-I'm Eric Shane.
[party host] Oh, well, you don't
need to announce yourself,
but we really appreciate
your generous bid.
I-I spent a lot of money tonight.
- [laughter]
- [applause]
Because I can.
- Yes.
- [laughter]
Yes.
Mr. Shane, we have
your painting for you.
- Shh.
- I think you could use some water.
Why don't you go
take a seat over here?
[Eric] The amount of
illegitimate money I have,
billions and billions
of illegal dollars,
I-I don't feel bad
about it at all.
I-I really don't.
I mean, is that totally weird?
No remorse?
Richard knows about the islands.
He's here somewhere.
And-and-and Philip.
Philip Bronstein.
Yes. Wait.
Philip, hey, hey. Wait.
No. No, Philip uses
the other island.
Not for embezzlement.
- For sex.
- [guests gasping]
- Oh, no, that Mr.
- Mr. Shane? - Sex trade. Yes.
[whispering] Record this.
Record this.
- [Eric laughing]
- [party host] Mr. Sh
[recorder chimes]
Oh, Beau! Beau finds me funny.
You can always count on Beau
for a laugh.
You can always count on him
to leave photos of his dick
taped under the newest
intern's desk.
- Real film photos.
- [guests murmuring]
Like, developed at Walgreens.
- The warped lengths he goes.
- Oh.
To do that, Melissa,
it's remarkable,
because I've always found you
so much more compelling
than the interns
he chooses to schtup.
His mistreatment of you has only
made you intrigue me more.
Your sadness.
This is This is how I felt
when my wisdom teeth
were removed.
Mr. Shane is clearly
not feeling well.
- That was scary.
- So, oh, please don't film
any of this.
No, no, no, no. Please.
No, no, don't film anything.
- Please stop filming.
- [Eric wheezing and coughing]
[party host] Is there
a doctor in the house?
[Eric] God.
[party host] Is anyone a doctor?
[Jane] I don't think
that's normal.
I think he's having
a bad reaction.
- I think he's going into shock.
- Oh. Okay, just-just take
- Take that for me.
- Okay. Oh.
[Eric whimpering]
It's okay. I got him. Come on.
Let's go.
I was with this man as a dog.
He's a liar!
- [John] It's okay. Hey, hey.
- [Eric] She was a dog as well.
Her, too.
[chuckling] A dog. Okay.
You know what, there's
[Jane] Dennis, how many drinks
did you let him have?
- [John] I told him not to mix anything.
- [Jane] I'm driving.
[Eric] You have nice shoulders.
[Eric groans]
Yeah, we can't take him
to the hospital.
[tires screech]
♪
[horn honking]
[heavy, gruff breathing]
See? This is why we should have
made a plan and stuck to it.
The plan was to follow
your lead, and that got us here.
[tires screech]
[horns honking]
[groans]
- [Eric wheezes and coughs]
- Hey, uh-uh. Eyes! Eyes open.
- We can't let him fall asleep, or he might not wake up.
- [John] Hey, Eric.
[distorted, echoing] Eric,
you got to talk to me, okay?
Wake up. Stay awake.
- Say something.
- [Eric wheezing]
- I'm scared.
- [Jane] You're gonna be okay.
We're gonna help you.
You're the ones who hurt me.
Where are you taking me?
- [engine revving]
- [tires squealing]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
- [groaning]
- [Jane] Okay.
[John] You got
You got to stay up.
[Jane] He doesn't sound good.
- Eric. Eric.
- Hey, eyes open!
Eyes op An EpiPen.
Oh, shit.
Eric.
[claps hands]
Eric, I need you to stay awake.
Look at me. Stay awake.
- Look at me. Yes.
- [Jane] Hey.
- I don't I don't see an EpiPen.
- It's in there.
There isn't one.
- It's in there.
- There's no EpiPen!
There's just gauze.
- It's in there.
- There isn't one.
It's a medical pack.
[Jane] Just gauze and alcohol.
- I don't see an EpiPen.
- [John] It's in here.
- Show me.
- [Eric] You're just lonely.
I got into this business
because I'm lonely, too.
I was with this woman
I didn't like very much.
- There's a medic bag in there. It's green. It's a box.
- Yeah.
But we got married. I mean,
I-I liked her warmth at night.
[laughing] Her legs were like
a space heater.
Last I heard, she died.
Well, before that,
she had my baby.
I have a daughter somewhere.
I don't ever think about her.
I-I don't think it's bad
because I-I don't
feel bad about it
Eric, drink the water, please.
Drink this, Eric.
- Drink some water.
- I've got no friends.
- We're your friends. Drink
- No, you're not.
You're not my friends.
You want what everyone wants.
You, the government,
First Nations.
Give me the fucking EpiPen.
Hurry up.
[Eric] All these fucking,
fucking people wanting.
Speaking, talking and just
- Talking, yakking, yakking.
- No, no.
Eric, Eric, stay with us.
- Hey. Eric.
- [John] Eric.
[Jane] Who takes care
of a dead body?
We do, I guess.
Okay. Huh.
We'll bury him in the garden.
Yeah.
Composter.
- Yeah.
- Because
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
How is he gonna fit?
[elevator bell chimes]
- All right.
- Okay.
[John] Grab his legs.
- Okay, one, two, three.
- Mm-hmm.
[John grunts]
You, um
You break the legs,
and I'll break the arms.
- Okay.
- Okay?
Can we cover the head first?
Yeah, good idea.
Uh-huh.
So, are you gonna do it?
Yeah, we'll
we can do it together.
[Jane] Okay, let's do it
- All right.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Oh
On three.
[both] One, two, three.
- [bones snap]
- [Jane] Oh!
- [John dry-retching]
- Oh, my God.
Don't do that.
- [dry-retches]
- Oh!
If you barf, I barf.
Stop.
Sorry.
♪
[Jane grunting]
[both grunting]
♪
[John] Okay.
One, two, three.
[Jane] Do you feel bad?
I feel really bad.
♪
[sighs]
♪
[up-tempo cartoon music playing]
So this is where you went.
Yeah.
[sighs] What are you doing?
Watching cartoons.
Couldn't sleep?
Nope.
Me, either.
[cat meowing in cartoon]
Is this a knockoff
Tom and Jerry?
My mom never let me watch
the violent stuff
when I was a kid, so
this kind of thing
kind of relaxes me.
I don't really like
violent cartoons.
Really?
Yeah.
That's surprising.
Why is that surprising?
I don't know, it's just
I thought you might be
into that kind of thing.
[Jane] Mm-hmm.
[chuckles softly]
[Jane laughing]
- You
- You asshole.
You snooped on my computer!
- You asshole.
- You're sick.
- You're an I'm sick?
- You're sick that I
You set up a trap for me?
- Yeah, but I set up a trap
- Cannibal porn?
- You think I'm actually into cannibal porn?
- Yeah.
- I caught you. You were spying on me.
- You didn't ca
- You trapped me.
- Oh, yes, I did.
[chuckles]
You're so
You're so fucked up.
You know, you're fucked up.
- I'm not the weird one.
- Okay.
Well, it worked.
[both chuckle]
You know, they had to re-dub,
um, Mammy Two Shoes
'cause it was so racist
in the original cartoon.
Who's Mammy Two Shoes?
The one in the slippers
who's, like
You know, now it's a white woman
that's just like,
"You darn cat!"
But, um, it was really bad,
so they dubbed it
with a white woman.
What's the original voice
sound like?
[Jane laughs]
- I'm not doing it.
- Do it.
[chuckles] No. It's
I mean, you know.
No. I've never seen it.
Like, it you know,
was racist.
- You know.
- But what kind of racist?
She was just like,
[heavy drawl] "Oh, Jaspah,
you get out.
And when I say out,
I mean O-U-T out!"
[laughs]
- [both laugh]
- [Jane] Oh, my God!
You scared me.
You dick.
[sighs]
Oh, the fear on your face.
- [laughs]
- So real.
[Jane sighs]
What a shitty day.
Yeah.
Do you want to kiss me?
Just not as dogs this time,
just actually?
Yeah, I'll-I'll kiss you.
[cartoon characters] Hooray!
For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
For he's a jolly
good fellow ♪
For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
Which nobody can deny ♪
Which nobody
can deny ♪
Which nobody can deny ♪
For he's a jolly
good fellow ♪
For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
For he's a jolly
good fellow ♪
[breathing heavily]
[grunting]
[moaning]
[both grunting,
breathing heavily]
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪