Mulaney (2014) s01e02 Episode Script

I can be uptight when it comes to what's it called the human body.
I was once getting a massage, and the masseuse told me to undress to my comfort level.
Those were her words.
She said, "undress to your comfort level.
" So I put on a sweater and a pair of corduroy pants, and I felt safe.
It's weird what bodily functions are polite to talk about, because every human being eats and goes to the bathroom and has sex, right, but of those three, only eating is acceptable to talk about in polite society, and if you talk about the other two while someone is eating, they'll reprimand you.
They'll be like, "hey, we're eating here.
" That never works the other way around.
No one's ever like, "for our specials tonight, we have tortellini with marinara sauce," and you're like, "do you mind? I am trying to masturbate.
" Mulaney: S01xE02 The Doula Mulaney is filmed in front of a live studio audience, okay? It's gonna be 90 degrees today.
I walked three blocks on my date last night, and I was sweating like a good Southern lawyer arguing for the freedom of a poor man.
Ugh.
It's so hot.
Motif, did you fix it? I'm on the phone with the store about it.
Hello? If I have a 1977 Delorean air conditioner with no warranty and I'm not the original owner, can I exchange that for a new one? Hey, so you went out again with the Doula, right? - How was it? - It was really fun.
I like the Doula a lot.
I also like saying "Doula.
" What's a Doula again? A Doula provides women with physical and emotional support before, during, and after labor.
It's like paying someone to be your mom.
I thought that was a midwife.
No, no, no, Doulas are not medical professionals.
Midwives have to go through nursing courses in midwifery.
"Midwifery," that's a fun word to say.
Sounds like a ugly girl on downton ab.
Well, I'm glad you like the Doula - and that you respect her work.
- I do.
I mean, I kind of change the subject when we get into the Nitty Gritty.
"The Nitty Gritty"? You know, the actual details of A woman bringing life into the world? Yeah.
What? Hearing about childbirth can make me really dizzy.
I can even faint.
It all started in the seventh grade when we watched The Miracle of Life video.
All those 1980s actors with their sperm and their fallopian tubes.
I was out.
When I came to, I was lying on the floor, looking up at a poster of Levar Burton that said, "read.
" You're afraid of vaginas.
I am not.
I think they're great.
I feel about vaginas the way I do about America.
I love it, but every once in a while, it does things that disgust me.
And penis are like North Korea: Hilarious, yet worrisome.
And now, let's move on to round two: Cash grab.
Where our contestants shout out the number of dollars they want.
But first, let's meet and greet, shall we? What's your name, darling? I'm Melanie Moore.
I'm from Plano, Texas.
Ah.
You don't look "Plano.
" You should be from "Cute-o," Texas.
You're very beautiful.
I like your face and your body.
Hey, Mary Jo.
This show has a real problem.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, I know I haven't worked here for long, but the game makes no sense, right? Like, why even bother answering questions in round one if you can just demand money in "cash grab"? No, not that.
The game is fine.
I was stage manager on Family Feud.
You try working on that nightly race war for five years.
I mean we have a Lou problem.
He's getting too flirty with the women, it's not good.
Kathy, Kathy, Kathy, Kathy.
Mmm, I love how your makeup smells.
Hey, your mom's in the audience I'm told.
What fun.
Hey, mom? Stand up and take a bow, won't you? Just turn around, and Touch your toes a little.
What is going on with him? Well, he broke up with his girlfriend a couple weeks ago.
Maybe he's a little, you know, unfulfilled.
I haven't seen anyone that horny since me at a Rush Concert.
Women on the crew don't like it.
It's stuff like this that brought down Clinton.
Cut to eight years of republicans, and I end up in Kabul.
You were in the marines? - Yes, I was.
- Thank you for your service.
No problem.
Just get Lou cranked off, okay? Take him out for a beer, throw your arm around him and say, "you need to get laid.
" No, Lou and I do not have that kind of relationship yet, so I'm gonna need another solution.
Sometimes on a show, we'll hire a girl and call her "creative producer.
" It's a joke title for some skinny bitch the host has sex with.
That's my title.
I'm the creative producer.
I know you were nervous about me coming to see your stand-up show - but you were so funny.
- Thank you.
And don't listen to that one lady.
You're not "white, uptight, and wack as hell.
" Oh, it's fine.
I've heard that before.
Those exact words, in fact.
I needed a laugh too.
I doula-ed a really intense home birth today.
And I would love to hear about it, but I'm sure you can't violate patient-doula privilege.
Oh, no, that's not a thing.
I'm free to describe what happened.
It makes me really happy that we can talk about my job.
Yeah.
No yeah, I respect your work.
And you did listen to my "Sinbad was rude" story.
That was pretty graphic.
Anyway, we knew going in that her hips and birth canal were really narrow, and we knew the baby was huge.
The baby was huge.
Dilated 10 centimeters.
Dilated 10 centimeters.
Dilated 10 centimeters.
Heavy, bloody show.
Heavy, bloody show.
Heavy, bloody show.
Fully crowning.
Fully crowning, fully crowning, fully crowning.
Have you read about these politics? We got one minute break and then another 3 hours of taping.
You stay in your seats! So then I just went to the bathroom and laid on the floor.
Man, it is hard to date a Doula.
John, the term is "African-American.
" And listen, while we're on a break, what is with all the changes to the show? I mean, even my dressing room has different snacks.
It's all soy ice cream and edamame.
You know, I heard those lower testosterone.
Oh, really? I heard that they make neck skin tighter.
Oh, really? Well, then I'll have what I'm having.
And that's another thing.
I thought we were taping sorority week with contestants from 12 Florida safety schools.
Right, we were gonna, but I thought instead, - this might be a nicer idea.
- Oh.
We're back, people.
We're back with Veteran Week here on Celebrity You Guessed It.
All elderly, male veterans.
And my apologies to gamma gamma gamma girls from Surf University.
We'll have you on real soon.
Did you get Lou to empty it out? No, Mary Jo, but I found another solution, you don't need to worry.
Do you want to pass on the question or phone home? I'll phone home to my daughter, Stacy.
She's a schoolteacher in Sarasota.
Oh, what fun.
Hello? Hello, Stacy, you're on Celebrity You Guessed It.
Hi there, I'm here to help.
Oh, Stacy.
You sound like a Like a good girl.
Like a goodDaddy's girl.
I bet you drink all your milk and really enjoy it, don't you, Stacy? Look at what he managed to do.
Nature always finds a way.
Okay.
I'm good on my end.
How are you guys? - We're good.
- Good on our end, yeah.
Yeah.
Back up.
- Okay.
- Okay, to the right.
Okay.
All right, ready? One, two, three, down.
- Yeah.
- Ohh! Okay, now back up.
- Okay.
- Back up.
- Okay, okay.
- Back up.
- Back up.
- Okay.
Hey, guys.
Oh, thanks for carrying that up here.
Actually, we got it delivered.
You owe us $100.
Okay, I'll pay you back.
- Hello? - It's Amanda.
Come on up.
You're gonna see the Doula again? Yeah, but I'm afraid we're gonna have to break things off.
I don't think I can be around someone whose profession grosses me out.
Well, I live with two comedians, so think of how I feel.
It's stuck.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I'm ready to go.
Do you mind if I wash my hands? Why, what's on them? - Just from the subway.
- Oh, right, yeah.
- Stop kicking it.
- Well, I gotta get it out.
- That's not how - How am I not gonna get it out - Hey, shut up over there, shut up.
- Okay, everybody calm down.
I think I can help.
He needs our support.
What's your name? It's Motif.
Motif, look at me.
We're gonna get through this.
There's no need to panic.
The A.
C.
Unit is just larger than the window frame.
You don't know what it's like back here.
You did this to me.
Motif, on the count of three, I need you to give me one big push.
I don't know if I can.
- I'm so tired.
- Motif, you can do it.
Take a deep breath and give me one big push.
It's caught on something.
The cord is wrapped around the fire escape.
What's happening? Oh, my God, is Motif gonna die? Okay.
Okay, everyone stay calm.
This is perfectly normal.
Keep pushing.
I'm gonna unwrap the cord, and Oh! Oh, God.
Oh, you did so good, Motif! You did so good.
Oh, my God, Amanda, that was amazing.
I can't believe you were able to stay that calm.
Well, the most important thing a Doula can do is create a calm and serene environment for the child to enter.
Also, it was just an air conditioner, so I was calm and didn't care what happened.
Yeah, but you knew that Motif was scared and you were there for him.
Wow, Doulas are like superheroes.
- You should see a real birth sometime.
- I would love to.
You would? Well, if you're serious, a client of mine is inducing this Friday.
Yeah, but but she probably wouldn't want a stranger there, so Actually, it's my client's fifth baby, so she's really chill about it.
Wow! I've never had anyone there for support.
- Thank you! - Uh Oh, well, you know, a lot of guys would be too squeamish, but not you.
No.
No, not me.
Ha ha ha.
Well, you know what they say.
I sure hope I don't die before Friday.
Ohh.
Look at him.
Stop filming me, I look terrible.
- John.
- Hey, Lou.
Oh, no, is this some kind of marionette thing you're into now? No, my usual makeup girl is gone.
Where is Tiffany? Where is Melissa in wardrobe? Look at me.
I was styled for the show today by some retired cop named Antony.
You want more face paint? No, no, no, I'm good, thanks.
I am a dude, dude.
I want women putting makeup on me.
The women are on strike.
None of them will work until you end the hostile work environment.
Hostile? What are you talking about hostile? What about the staff conga line yesterday that I started? Miss thing here was supposed to tell you to stop acting so horny on the show, but he didn't, and now, we're all on strike.
John, you knew about this? Lou, I'm really sorry.
I thought it would be weird to bring it up to you.
Is this less weird? Look, what do you want me to say? I'm uncomfortable talking to my boss about sex, okay? I'm sorry.
Well, sorry will not change the fact that I need an apology.
And the next time you hear people talking about me behind my back, you come to me and tell me face-to-face, 'cause I am a man, and I don't have to be treated like a fragile, little thing.
Mama.
What are you doing he I hate everyone here.
- Hey, Oscar.
- Oh, hello.
I'm headed up to 50th Street.
Sometimes, if I sit in a beach chair, eventually, a block party will start.
How are things with Amanda? Ugh, they're bad.
I have to watch her Doula at a birth, and I'm gonna faint.
I'm gonna faint, and Amanda's gonna be mad at me, and the baby's gonna be mad at me, and Amanda's gonna think I'm afraid of vaginas, and that can't be good for our chemistry.
John, everyone has things that make them squeamish.
You may not know this, but I'm a Jewish person, and the first time I went to a bris, I passed out.
- You did? - When I saw the rabbi put that cigar cutter on that little cashew, I was a goner.
Wow.
Did you ever go to a bris again? I had to.
I get invited to one a week.
Everyone loves Oscar.
Yeah.
I decided to get so used to going to brisses that it would be no weirder than seeing a friend get a haircut.
You watch your friends get haircuts? Of course.
You should learn as much as you can about childbirth until you no longer are worried about it.
Do you really think that will work? It worked for me.
Now, when I go to a bris, I just laugh and laugh.
Of course, I'm normally very stoned.
We're here for you, Mulaney.
When we're done with you, you'll be as comfortable with childbirth as you are with those sex murders you watch on cable all day long.
I guess it's all the circle of life, from birth to murder.
Okay, Motif, let's just start with the basics.
"The journey to birth begins at menstruation" Oh, God.
"When women experience shedding in the uterine lining.
" Oh, "shedding," that's the word that always got me.
Oh, g Jane, before you get mad, all love and respect to women and their bodies.
I know you have to go through that every month.
Actually, between high school gymnastics and birth control, sometimes, I don't get it for an entire season.
I'm on kind of a game of thronescycle.
Winter is coming, but, like, not for a while.
"In certain births, Doulas will have to assist in an episiotomy when the " What? What is it? If the baby can't squeeze out, they cut area between - Manhattan and Brooklyn? - Yes! Oh, my God! This is horrible! How did my mother never tell me about this? I'm going to call that woman tonight and tear her a new one.
Oh, John, I already did.
Jane, what if that lady tomorrow has an episiotomy? I will die.
I will die right there Hey, hey, hey, hey! "Episiotomy's" just a word.
Episiotomy? Episiotomy! Yeah, episiotomy, it's just a word.
It sounds like a little Italian man, Mr.
Episiotomy.
- Yeah.
- And he and he sweeps up in front of his store, and yeah, and he has two daughters he's very proud of.
Yeah, yeah, hey, Mr.
Episiotomy, why you-a never smile? Yeah, uh, "because they cut-a between my vagina and my anus.
" Sorry.
This is rough.
Maybe I shouldn't have taken Oscar's advice.
Why are we doing this? The woman is placed in stirrups, and the miracle of life is almost complete.
You made it 20 minutes into the movie.
You might be cured, Mulaney.
How do you not get waxed before making a video like this? A little further, Jane! A little further, Motif.
We got this.
All right, one, two, three.
Ohh.
- Hey, Andre.
- Hey.
Mulaney, you were helping too.
Yes.
Mother and father hold hands as mom pushes for the final time.
Hey, those are my parents.
Those are your parents.
Yeah, that's my mom right there with the redheaded baby coming out of her.
- What are you watching? - That's Andre.
Andre is the miracle of life baby.
Oh, my God.
I'm a little miracle, and my parents wanted to share me with the world.
I don't want to look at it.
Sharon, you have to hold the baby he could grow up very weird if he doesn't get the right love.
I don't care.
I don't love him.
You okay? I can't believe it spiked to 100 degrees.
I'm feeling a little dizzy.
Well, I feel great, and I almost forgot, I brought a container for the placenta.
The placenta sac is filled with nutrients.
It's very important to keep it.
Wow, you're like a Doula apprentice.
Well, whatever helps to create a calm and serene atmosphere for the baby to enter.
Nothing's going to spoil this moment.
Wow, a home birth.
You know, they come out real slimy.
Not all cute like on Murphy Brown.
Lou.
The worst thing someone can do at a birth is panic, but I am very concerned that you are here.
Well, your roommates told me where you'd be.
I came to apologize, John.
Is that Lou Cannon? Hey, congrats, mama.
I have four kids myself.
The birth is the hard part.
After that, they kind of raise themselves, you know? So anyway, I-I feel terrible, because you were put in an awkward situation.
I mean, it's hard to talk to your boss about s-e-x.
I appreciate that, Lou, but now's a very bad time.
Lana, I can see his head.
Just give me one big push.
And of course, I was behaving indelicately on the show, - and I - shh, shh, shh, Lou, we need to create a quiet, serene space for the baby.
Fyi, I took care of the release problem.
Special thanks to Mary Jo.
Mmm.
What? What did Mary Jo do? Well, it's what we did together.
In fact, we've got the video of it to prove it.
- That's right.
- Rawr.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
You're naked, and - Uh, Mary JoIs naked and I have to go.
There he is, your boy.
Hi there! You know who I am? I'm Lou Cannon!