My Name is Earl s01e02 Episode Script

You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why his life sucks? Well, that was me.
Every time somethin'good happened to me somethin'bad was always waitin' around the corner.
Karma.
That's when I realized I had to change.
So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes.
I'm just tryin'to be a better person.
My name is Earl.
The tough thing about having a list of over 200 things you've done wrong to people is choosing which one you're gonna make up for next.
Should I do number 73- always took a penny, never left a penny? Count that up and see if I've got any change coming back.
Or should it be number 86- stole a car from a one-legged girl? You said you loved me! Or should I tackle one of the many things on the list that involve my ex-wife, Joy? I still can't believe that son of a bitch won the lottery right after I divorced him.
Half that money should be mine.
Look at my bicep when I do this.
See how it pop out right there on the side? That's new.
I'm gonna get me that money.
- What's this? - I got you something to help you with your list.
It's a quit smoking tape.
Remember number 102- harmed and possibly killed people with second-hand smoke.
Oh, yeah.
Where'd you get it? It's got jelly on it.
I showed Catalina where the good yard sales are.
I got a foot massager for two dollars.
All it needs is a new motor.
Ever since the first time Catalina cleaned our room Randy's been making any excuse to spend time with her.
Hey, how much for this tape that helps you quit smoking? Forty cents.
- How about 25? - Thirty-five.
- Thirty? - Thirty-two.
Deal.
Hey, say "Luke, I am your father.
" Luke, I am your father.
So, you gonna quit? Yeah, yeah, I am.
I just wanna finish this pack first.
I don't wanna be wasteful.
Number 49 on my list- I've been wasteful.
So what's next on your list? - I don't know.
I haven't figured that out yet.
- Can I pick one? Yeah.
Why not? I gotta do 'em all anyway.
How about- "let DonnyJones serve jail time for a crime I committed?" Oh, man.
DonnyJones.
A few years ago, I robbed a doughnut shop.
To be honest, I shouldn't have been out because I had a pretty bad cold, and I could've spread it around.
Uh-oh.
Fortunately for me, the security camera couldn't see my face and I had stolen this shirt from a friend named DonnyJones.
Unfortunately for Donny, he had a checkered past and no alibi for the night of the robbery.
Number four, step forward.
And most unfortunate for Donny, he had also caught my cold.
That's him.
Number four.
What? Ajury found Donny guilty, and he served two years in prison.
I'm not doing DonnyJones.
- Why not? - I just don't want to.
I don't even know where he lives.
They got big yellow books to find that stuff out, Earl.
I'll quit smoking, all right? I'll do that one.
- Look, I quit smoking.
- You're scared of DonnyJones.
- I'm not scared of DonnyJones.
- Why are you scared of DonnyJones? I'm not scared of DonnyJones.
That was a lie.
There aren't a lot of people on this earth that I'm afraid of, but Donny- Well- Oh, it is on.
Donny is crazy.
Look, I'd love to take care of Donny but I can only do one thing at a time.
I'm gonna focus on quittin' smoking.
I was gonna focus on quittin'smoking but it turns out quittin'smoking is stressful.
- And when I stressed out, I smoke.
- Hey, Earl.
Hey, how's it goin'? - We found DonnyJones.
- What? Why? It was Catalina's idea.
She said you needed a push.
When someone's scared, they need a friend to push them to overcome that fear.
Yeah, you know, like throwing somebody in the ocean who's afraid to swim or puttin' a snake in a young girl's bed.
I don't need a push.
I'm not scared, all right? I'm occupied.
I'm busy quitting smoking.
We're just trying to help.
That was there when I got here.
Quittin' is hard, Randy.
I didn't smoke for a whole hour, and I started to shake.
My system's used to runnin' on more tar.
I knew cigarettes could kill me, but so could DonnyJones.
Besides, as far as me livin' a long life was concerned I should have been more worried about my ex-wife.
Oh, snap.
Darnell, run down to the Video Hut and rent me a VCR! Oh, my God! Aunt Millie's walking! Look! Aunt Millie's walking! It's a miracle! Next time you steal a camera have the common sense to steal the directions.
- I think I got it on.
- Oh.
I love you, Earl, and I love all this stuff you stole.
I love that you love me and love all this stuff I stole.
I want to document this.
If I ever die, I want this woman right here to have everything I own.
Everything.
Oh, baby, that's so sweet.
What do you think of that? Rewind it.
I wanna see that old lady walk again.
Joy knew that video was the only thing close to a will that I have.
Normally she's not that violent, but money makes people crazy.
I'll take this.
There's a three-day waiting period for guns.
Land of the free, my ass.
Fine.
What can I walk outta here with today that'll kill somebody? - Anything in aisle four.
- Oh, thank you.
Randy took Catalina to another yard sale to look for a motor for her foot massager so I had some time to focus on quittin'smoking.
I am not a smoker.
I am not a smoker.
Smoking is bad.
Smokin' is bad.
I don't want to die.
I don't wanna die.
Damn it.
You, and you alone, are in control of your destiny.
Shoot.
Hey, I was just listening to your tape.
Good stuff.
We got some Krazy Straws at the yard sale.
- Wanna go get some Slush Puppies? - Yeah, why not? Nice, sugary drink might get my mind off cigarettes.
Man, I hope these straws don't have the flu in them.
Oh, hey, whoa.
Where'd that come from? I haven't smoked all day.
- Why are we stoppin'? - I think we got a flat in the back.
Yeah, I heard it too.
Damn it.
I just got those tires five years ago.
What are you doin'? - That's Donny's house.
- What? It's Donny's house.
Face your fears.
This isn't funny.
Open the door, Randy.
It's for your own good, Earl.
This is your snake in the bed.
I don't want a snake in my bed.
You can't finish your list if you're scared.
We're doing this because you're our friend.
- Donny! - Stop it! Let me in! Randy, open the door.
Earl? Earl Hickey? DonnyJones! Hey, buddy.
DonnyJones! Hey, buddy.
We should, uh, catch up sometime.
You know, when I don't have to- Or now.
Have you ever heard the expression "crazy eyes"? - Well, Donny had 'em.
- Earl Hickey.
- DonnyJones.
- You look good.
You look good.
Look real good.
What are those, new pants? No.
I had 'em a while.
Mmm, they still look new.
Nice crease.
I should, uh- I should get me a pair of those.
Hard to find good pants.
So, your brother and that little Mexican lady told me you wanted to talk to me about some list.
Did they now? All right.
Good.
Yeah, they can be very helpful.
All right, here's the deal, Donny.
I'm on, uh, kind of a mission.
Wow, these are long and sharp, huh? They're my mom's.
She likes to knit.
Good for you, sweetheart.
Nice to have a hobby.
Anyway, uh, Donny um, I've recently discovered karma and I've written a list of all the bad things I've done in my life and I'm trying to make up for 'em.
I think I know what you're gettin' at, Earl.
- You do? - Yep.
You had an awakening.
Same thing happened to me in the joint when I found Jesus.
- Wow.
- Nice, huh? I also got Moses partin' the Red Sea on my bottom.
You wanna see that? - No, no.
M-Maybe later.
- Okay.
So, anyway, about a month into my sentence I started readin' the Bible, and it really kept me out of trouble.
Hey, hey, we're gonna gang-stomp the guard in the cafeteria.
You in? Sorry.
I'm busy stompin' the devil out of my heart.
But thanks for thinking of me.
Ever since I found the Lord, I really turned my life around.
Prison turned out to be a blessing in disguise.
So you're not mad that you were mistakenly incarcerated for a crime some unknown person committed? I didn't rob that store, Earl, but we both know I was a sinner.
Besides, as the good book says forgiveness is the way to salvation.
Wow.
That's a big Bible.
It's my mom's.
Large print.
- Ah.
- She refuses to wear her readin' glasses.
She thinks they make her look old.
"Do not drink wine when "thou goest into the taber- nacle of the Lord.
" So, you're all churched up then, huh? Good for you.
Givin' up all that hurtin' people.
- I turn the other cheek now.
- And you got a tattoo of the Red Sea to prove it.
- Wanna see it now? - Ooh, not- I'm still gonna pass on that.
But I do need to tell you something.
Uh, something I did to you that's on my list.
Something that turned out to be good for you but, all the same something that was wrong.
I was the one that, uh, robbed that doughnut store.
- What? - It was me, Donny.
I was wearing a- a shirt that I stole from you.
I- I'm the reason you went to prison.
Then found the Lord.
Went to prison and found the Lord.
Even though Donny had changed, I was still scared 'cause no matter who he was now- I got your gun.
I got your gun, dummy.
I got your gun.
What are you gonna do? Donny used to be crazy.
What would Jesus do? What would you do? Okay.
- I forgive you.
- Really? Like I said before, Earl, prison changed my life.
I mean, even if you hadn't have done what you did I probably would've ended up there anyway.
Cross me off your list.
All right.
Thank you.
I will.
Thanks, Donny.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go help a prayer buddy in the garage.
When he showed up, I thought he was speaking in tongues, but he's just back on the stuff.
Hey, don't worry.
I'll let myself out.
And there it was- Thanks to Randy and Catalina's push I faced my fears, and everything turned out fine.
Ow! What the hell? You put my baby in prison for two years! Take it easy! He forgave me! Well, maybe he forgave you, but I don't! Help! Help! You took my baby away! I'll never get those years back! I should be on your stupid list! Okay, okay, okay.
Okay.
I'll put you on.
Took Donny away from his mother for two years.
All right.
You're on it.
Now what do I have to do to get you off it? - Get me the two years back.
- You know I can't do that.
Aw, I guess you're screwed.
I know this looks bad, but she refused to come on her own.
- Trust me.
I have a plan.
- Hi, Earl.
Hey, Crab Man.
- Joy wanted me to bring you these poison cookies.
- Huh? Darnell filled me in on the video will and Joy's intent to kill me.
I wasn't gonna get involved, but now she got me deliverin' poison it just don't seem right.
- Thanks, Crab Man.
- No problem, Earl.
Let me out of here right now! You let me out of here! Earl, how come you're taping Donny's mom to a chair? - Ooh, cookies.
- Randy, those are poisoned.
Oh, okay.
I'm taping her to the chair because she's gonna quit smoking before it kills her.
- Now, stop kicking.
- Something about this feels wrong.
No, it's fine.
I'm giving her a push just like you guys gave me a push.
I have to do this.
You're on my list now.
I took your son away from you for two years and the only way I can give you back that time is to give you two more years on this earth.
Randy- Those are poison! - How poison? - Put it down! Look, I know it's not gonna be easy but you're not gonna do it alone.
I'm gonna quit with you.
I know you're scared to give up the smokes.
So am I.
We're gonna get through this together.
This is the sweetest, most justified kidnapping I've ever seen.
- How many have you seen? - Five or so.
I'm gonna take the gag out of your mouth now, okay? So please don't holler.
Hel- Hel- Help.
! Hel- Turns out I didn't need the gag.
Forty years of smoking had taken away her ability to scream.
All right, fine.
I'll quit.
That's my girl.
Quittin'smoking is a lot like prison.
If you can get through the first three days, you've got a fighting chance.
First we tried the tapes.
I don't want to die.
- I don't want to die.
- I don't want to die.
Then we tried the patches.
Someone told us to try carrot sticks as a substitute but we couldn't get the damn things to light.
After some laughter, some tears and a lot ofburnt carrots together we battled our addiction, and we won.
And even though we started out as strangers, by the end I felt like I knew Donny's mom as well as I knew my own.
- Thank you, Earl.
- Thank you Donny's mom.
It was hard, but it was worth it.
We gave each other life.
She's gonna get those extra years with her son that she wanted and I just might get a few extra years myself.
It's hard to believe we got all that in just three little days.
Unfortunately, there are other things a person can get in three days.
I wrote up a new will, Joy.
You can kill me, but there ain't no money in it.