My Wife and Kids (2001) s01e02 Episode Script

Hey, babe.
Hey, you.
What are you doing? You can't mix white with coloreds.
[imitating Martin Luther King.]
Sorry, ma'am, but I had a dream.
I dreamed that one day all laundry would be done together.
Briefs and boxers, cottons and polyesters.
I had a dream that one day jock straps and g-strings would tumble around in the dryer of love.
Just put the shirt in the right pile, please.
I gotta get this stuff to the laundry room.
Oh, I've been to the laundry room.
Oh, stop it! - I may not get there with you-- - Stop it! Clingfree at last.
Clingfree at last.
Thank God Almighty, we use Clingfree at last.
Baby, do I look fat? You look great.
You sure? My clothes are feeling a little tight.
I'm gonna say this for today, tomorrow, and for the rest of my life you are not getting fat.
You're getting p-h-a-t.
You're phat-bulous.
Thank you.
Are these yours or Junior's? Those are Junior's.
I don't have pants with more than 38 pockets.
What's that? More numbers? Oh, this boy.
This is a card from a tattoo parlor.
- Tattoo parlor? - Says 10% off your next visit.
I think that fool done got hisself tattooed.
I hope he got space on his ass 'cause I'm gonna put a little tattoo there, too.
Maybe he didn't get a tattoo.
Maybe it was one of his friends.
- It was him.
- How do you know that? Because every time you say it was one of his friends it turned out to be him.
And look who's here right now.
Hey.
Come here.
Get over here.
I want you to look me in the eye and I'm gonna ask you this one time and one time only.
Did you get a tattoo? No.
Well, I found this card in your pants pocket.
It's from a tattoo parlor.
Did you think it could have been one of my friends? For a quick second, then I put that out of my head.
Now I'm gonna ask you.
Did you get a tattoo or not? I did not get a tattoo.
God, I cannot walk into a room without getting accused of something.
Why are you going through my stuff anyway? Because it was dirty, and I'll stop going through your stuff if you wanna do your own laundry.
Nah, that's okay.
That's what I thought.
- I don't believe him.
- Michael, my son does not lie.
That's funny, 'cause mine does.
Hello, ladies.
- Mr.
Kyle.
- Nice to see you again.
It's nice to see you, too, Nicole and Melanie.
So why do I get the feeling you girls want something? Can Kady come to my house for a sleepover Thursday night? Uh, Kady can't.
Why not? First, Kady didn't ask me.
She had her friend ask me.
And second, I don't think Kady's ready for another sleepover yet.
How come? Because last time Kady got scared in the middle of the night and Daddy had to go pick her up at 1 :00 in the morning, and he never got a chance to finish the game he was playing with your mommy.
Did you see who was messing with my stereo? - What's wrong with it? - Listen to this.
- I don't hear anything.
- Exactly.
You know why? Because someone spilled soda down the back of the amplifier.
I told these kids a million times don't touch my stuff.
Did you see which one of them did it? I didn't see any of the kids do it.
Hi, Dad.
Don't "hi" me.
Get over here.
Did you spill soda down my stereo? Not me.
I don't drink soda.
My body's a temple.
I just drink water.
Besides, Daddy, everybody knows not to mess with your stuff.
Get your temple out of my face.
- Kady! - I'm not talking to you.
I'm talking to you.
Come here.
Did you spill soda down my stereo? I can't even reach your stupid stereo but if I could, I would, because you're a meanie.
I'm about to give you a lift up them stairs.
Junior! Get down here.
- What's up? - Don't "what's up" my butt.
How many times I tell you not to mess with my stereo? - About 652.
- Then why'd you do it? I didn't.
I've got my own stereo.
You know what? Somebody was messing with my stereo and I'm gonna find out who did it.
If there's anything I can do, Dad, you let me know.
That boy got tattoos.
I feel it.
I feel it right in here.
I feel it.
He's too cocky.
No.
Michael, he looked me in the eye.
If you can't trust your own children, who you gonna trust? I ain't trust nobody since Michael Jordan in the fourth quarter.
And speaking of which, hey, Son.
Why don't we go play some basketball? I'll be shirts and you be skins.
If we're playing one on one, we can tell each other apart.
Yeah, you're right.
Why don't you do like this for me? Whoo.
- Why? - I just wanna see your navel.
Go ahead.
Just go whoo-hoo.
Come on.
We don't do any father-son stuff anymore.
Come on.
Let's go take a shower together.
You're starting to freak me out.
Starting to make me a little nervous there, too.
What? I just wanna spend some quality time with my son.
- See what's going on.
- Dang! - What? Come on.
- Come on, stop it.
See? No tattoos.
He may not have a tattoo but he's number one on the stereo hit list.
- I wanna call a family meeting.
- God.
No.
Come on now.
Is that really necessary? Let's just get the thing fixed.
I'll get it fixed after I know who did it.
See, I wanna look that sneaky little culprit in the eye.
Look at 'em and go, aha! You do realize that under the rules of the family meeting the culprit is gonna get amnesty.
That's okay.
My satisfaction comes with aha! All right.
We all know the rules to the family meeting.
This is the one place where we can say anything.
You can open up, be totally honest and no repercussions.
All right.
I wanna make sure.
No repercussions, right? No matter what we may have done wrong? None whatsoever.
If you told a lie, this is the place we clear the air.
Say you broke something something really expensive and near and dear to somebody's heart this is the place where you purge yourself.
Get it off your mind the confusion and the guilt and shame that you must be feeling inside your little sneaky heart.
Here is where you let that out.
- So anything? - Anything.
So no matter what a person may or may not have done wrong, there's no punishment? - No punishment.
- So what if you did something-- I did it.
For God's sakes, stop torturing me.
It was an accident.
Michael, I was standing here right now.
I was singing along with Whitney.
And you know when Whitney hit that high note? Whoo! And I sang, whoo! My arms went, whoo! Like that, right? How could you? My brand-new Bang & Olufsen.
You know how hard I had to work for this? And pinch and squinch to save money to buy this thing.
You know what? No more Whitney in this house.
Her and Bobby are nothin' but trouble, okay? Cissy Houston? Don't want her, either.
I don't like Dionne, either.
Never understood that.
You know what? Wait a minute.
You told me you didn't know who did it.
- I didn't.
I-- - You did.
Actually, what I said, I didn't see any of the kids do it.
Oh, you're gonna twist it.
You're twisting it.
No, no.
How could you do possibly do this to me knowing how I felt about this thing? No repercussions.
No repercussions.
You're right.
You're absolutely right.
This is just material things.
Expensive, really nice material things that don't work no more.
But what's important is you felt free enough to tell me the truth.
And this is an example of how the family meeting works.
- See? Look at her.
Guilt-free.
- Feel good about myself.
Not a mark on her and she's almost forgiven.
Aha! Now she's forgiven.
So, before we adjourn the meeting does anybody else have something - they wanna get off their mind? - I do.
- Yes, Claire.
Well, Dad, last Friday, I missed curfew by an hour.
You're forgiven.
I have a boyfriend.
That's a lie, and you're forgiven.
I got a couple of tattoos.
I'm gonna kill you.
Hello, Junior.
Can I sleep over at Melanie's? Didn't I tell you, "You can't go"? Fine.
Then I'm not talking to you.
You're invisible.
Good.
You wanna play the invisible game? You're invisible, too.
I hear someone, but I don't see anyone.
I smell someone, but I don't see anyone.
And I'm glad no one's around 'cause I got this good chocolate bar that I'm gonna eat all by myself with all these nuts and caramel in it.
It sure is good when there's no one else around.
So? I don't care about any chocolate anyways.
It gives me the runs.
Hey, Rodman.
Where's your nose ring and your dress? Come on, Dad.
I thought we left this at the meeting.
This ain't no repercussions.
I'm just saying, hey, hi, to the dumb guy that got the tattoos.
When am I gonna see this artwork you've decided to put on your body? Wow.
- Pretty cool, huh? - Yeah, that's stupid.
You know, you gotta see the future, son.
In about 20 years, that cute little heart is gonna look like a sun-dried tomato.
And what's the rest of the foolishness? That's "knowledge" in Japanese.
- Do you speak Japanese? - No.
- Do you read Japanese? - No.
Then how do you know it doesn't say "spicy tuna roll"? Dad, this is starting to sound negative.
It's not negative.
I'm just telling you I think that your tattoos are stupid.
I can say that, right? - Absolutely.
They are stupid.
- Very, very stupid.
You know what really got me upset? Is the fact that you looked us in the eye and you said, "l don't have a tattoo.
" No, I looked Mom in the eye and said no.
And as you just saw, I don't have a tattoo.
I have two tattoos.
Thank you, Mr.
Bill Clinton.
Boy, this cartoon sure is funny.
This is the one where Scrooge McDuck got his tail caught in the money bin.
He's hilarious.
Baby, why don't you watch some cartoons with your daddy? I don't have a daddy.
Boy, I sure wish I had someone to sit here and watch this funny cartoon with me.
But I don't see anybody around except my beautiful wife, and she doesn't like cartoons.
I used to have a friend, but she's invisible now.
You know what? I wanna watch Scrooge McDuck.
You wanna watch Scrooge McDuck with me? Come on.
Hey, Jay, thanks for watching the cartoon with me.
I was all alone.
You know what? I'll be right back.
I'm gonna make some popcorn for my two favorite people.
- Two? - Two? Boy, I'm sure glad I'm here all by myself.
I gotta launch an air biscuit.
Hey, Dad, check it out.
Working on my form.
How does that look? Looks like you're trying to annoy me.
What are you talking about? Are you still mad about the tattoos? No, but the next time you wanna mark up your body, come to me.
I'll do it for you.
That'd be a repercussion.
- Junior, let me see 'em.
- Are you sure? I'm sure I'm not gonna like them but I might as well get used to 'em.
You know what really makes me mad about all this? I gave birth to you, and it's like you're rewriting my work.
I'm really positive that-- Does that say "Mom"? - What's this one say? - That says "Mom" in Japanese.
Oh, baby.
Aha! - Hold it up.
- What? Look at this.
Look at that.
There's 1/16 of an inch left of milk and you put it back in the refrigerator? You don't care about your family.
This is the most selfish thing I've ever seen.
How we supposed to "got milk" when we don't got milk? You know what? You're grounded.
You're grounded.
This is selfish.
You're grounded.
I want you to go up in your room take everything that looks like it could be fun put it in the garage.
I don't want nothin' in your room except books and a bed.
And you know what? I'm still not sure about the bed.
Let's go.
Tattoos I can take, but this.
This is ridiculous.
That is the lowest thing I have ever seen.
Yeah.
See how low that is? What if Kady was choking on a piece of candy or something? Happen to come in-- Nothin'.
Still choking.
- Not that, Michael.
You.
- What are you talking about? You agreed that you wouldn't punish him for the tattoos and now you're doing it.
I didn't punish him for the tattoos.
I punished him for the milk.
This selfish act of milk-- this milkless house.
You're being a hypocrite, Michael.
I'm not being a hypocrite.
I'm not being-- You know what? I'm being a hypocrite.
And when you're a parent, you gotta be a hypocrite.
It's part of the job.
That's not how we run this household.
We've always been a democracy.
Well, that went out the window with the tattoos.
That was the first shot fired in the teenage rebellion.
From now on, it's a dictatorship, and I'm Dick.
Look in this mirror and tell me what you see.
Beautiful bald-headed black man, a little angry.
And what does this beautiful bald-headed black man a little angry, have in his ear? Beautiful diamond that could be a little bigger.
When did you get that done? When I was 17.
And how did your father feel about it? Hey, look, this ain't about my father because my father kicked my behind.
There was no amnesty.
There were repercussions, which led to reverberations which required recuperation.
Baby, my point is, you rebelled, too.
Try to have a little understanding.
Do you wanna do things the way your father did it or do you wanna try to handle this a little differently? - Look at the milk, though.
- Baby.
- Plug that back in.
- What? You can have your stuff back.
It's a gesture of good will.
Well, that whole milk thing was pretty bogus, Dad.
First of all, it wasn't whole milk.
It was 2%.
Second of all, you're right.
It was bogus, and I apologize.
- Good.
- You accept my apology? - Yes.
- Good.
I'm unapologizing.
- What do you mean? - Sit down.
I'm taking it back.
See, you destroyed the trust.
Forget about the tattoos.
Forget about amnesty or the family meeting.
You lied to me, and that just doesn't go away.
I know you think I messed up, Dad but I did this to feel like my own person.
I think they're cool.
And the way I look at it is it's my body, and I can do what I want with it.
As long as your body is in my house your body has to abide by my rules.
I didn't violate any rules, Dad.
You never said anything about not getting a tattoo.
And I never said anything about owning a gun or eating fire or peeing in the toaster.
This is about principle.
If you thought it was all right you wouldn't have lied to me in the first place.
You know what? Maybe you're right, Dad, and I'm sorry I lied.
But it doesn't change the fact that I'm growing up.
You've got to loosen the reins.
Look, just because you're tall don't mean you're grown up.
It just makes you a tall kid.
Trust is something you're gonna have to earn.
That's how you get freedom.
Apparently we're not gonna settle this so where do we go from here? I guess we have to meet somewhere in the middle - try to make things right.
How? Wipe the slate clean.
Start from scratch.
- Deal? - Deal.
Come here.
I ain't ready to let go yet.
Do you mean that literally or figuratively? Both.
Eventually we'll both starve.
Let's go get some cookies andwater.
Kady, your daddy is so mean.
Why won't he let you come over my house? 'Cause he's a mean bald-headed grinch and he's invisible.
Girl, there's no milk in that refrigerator.
What did you say? I said your brother drank all the milk.
Have you seen my daddy? - Is he tall and handsome? - He's tall.
Whoo, I just sawed him.
I just sawed him.
He's fine, too.
Would you do me a favor? Ask him if Melanie could come to my house for a sleepover.
Excuse me, tall, bald, and handsome.
Can I come over to Kady's house for a sleepover? Maybe, but for a price.
I want a hug and kiss from Kady.
Girl, he said he wants some sugars from you before he do anything.
I heard him, silly.