Mystery Girls (2014) s01e02 Episode Script

1 These workman comp cases are so boring.
How long have we been out here, three hours? 10 minutes.
This is the worst.
If I'm gonna be on my knees this long, I better be getting jewelry.
We just have to get a picture of Mr.
Neck Brace over there doing something strenuous.
That could take forever! I never do anything strenuous.
Sure you do, your Kegels.
Those are strenuous.
Off! Good God, did you have a bagel with onions? We're the Mystery Girls! I'm pretty sure the cast of "Frasier" doesn't hide in bushes.
Uh, well, did they open a detective agency? I'm just saying, we should be solving sexy crimes like jewel heists, disinherited heiresses.
Whatever, this is a paying case.
Ooh, look, Mr.
Neck Brace is taking off his shirt.
Is that sexy enough for you? Gross, his boobs are bigger than mine! Oh, here comes the money shot.
He's headed towards the trampoline.
"Trampoline," that's my name on Tinder.
- Nick, what are you doing here? - Nick, thank God.
I'm starting to burn.
- Get down! - I'm wearing white linen pants.
The only place I'm getting down is on a beach in Ibiza.
Umbrella me! Oh, perfect, he saw us.
- You just blew our stakeout.
- I did not.
Look, you can get a close-up, he's coming right at us.
With a shovel! Run! - Ooh.
- Ooh.
- Ooh! - Ooh! - Ooh.
- Ooh.
Are you guys FaceTiming a gorilla? We're trying to find Nick a date.
You have to come see this app.
So many hot guys.
I thought you were looking for a sexy case for us, something worthy of the Mystery Girls.
That's already taken care of.
One should be walking through our door any second.
All right, where is it? Where's what? Well, Detective Duane Freeman, what are you doing here? you texted me saying you found a dead body in the kitchen.
What? I knew that would work.
That's how I got "T.
M.
Z.
" to cover my birthday party.
Got any sexy cases for us? - This is your plan? - Yes.
Excuse me.
Freeman here.
Really? Another celebrity? Ryan Gosling's house? I'm on my way.
Ryan Gosling? I love him.
No, you don't.
You like Ryan Reynolds.
You're not the boss of my Ryan.
I like Ryan Phillippe.
He's so damaged.
I feel like I could save him.
Clearly, you guys have a lot of work to do.
And I have a robbery to solve.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Is there a new Bling Ring? - No.
- Ha! You answered too fast, that means yes.
Don't jump to conclusions.
Mm, too late.
That's her favorite thing to do.
That and watching videos of baby sloths.
Oh, she's right.
I just want to smush them in a little ball and eat them! Okay.
I need to get back to doing what I do best.
Squat thrusts? Solving crimes.
Just making sure about that dead body.
Now, this is a case for Mystery Girls.
No, it is not.
What? Why? Give me one good reason why we shouldn't focus all our energy on this.
Okay, one, because the police are already on it, two, because we're not getting paid, three, we already have a workman's comp case.
I said one, woman.
I know, we should go investigate at Club Zebra.
Yes, let's go to Club "Zeb-ra.
" Wait, what the hell is Club Zebra? "Zeb-ra.
" It's only the hottest nightclub in L.
A.
It's where all the young and fabulous mingle.
That's how they caught the original Bling Ring.
No, Holly, I have date night with Michael.
And I've cancelled on him three weeks in a row because of work.
Well, it sounds like he's used to it.
Nick, go to my credenza.
Get energy drinks, body glitter, and magnums.
On it! What? Go big or go home.
It's not 1995 anymore, Holly.
Ugh, you sound like my agent.
What I mean is I have a family.
I can't just go out clubbing with you guys.
It's research.
Research, really? Since when do you do research? You're the person that bought their house over the phone.
Please? We haven't gone to a club in forever.
Think of it free drinks, hot guys, V.
I.
P.
rooms.
It'll be just like the good old days.
You mean you'll end up doing body shots off Mario Lopez's chest? I did some dirty things to those dimples.
Okay, here we go, three ice-waters with lemon.
What happened to three dirty Martinis? What happened is they're $20 each.
It's like drinking in a mortgage payment.
We don't need drinks To get this party started We don't need drinks To get this party Okay.
Maybe we do, I'll be right back.
What are so many people doing out at this hour? Don't they have jobs or school or programs to watch? Calm down, Nana.
Enjoy the ambiance.
Everyone seems friendly.
Ugh! Seriously, that's where you're standing? Sorry.
Nice jacket.
Looks like you're being humped by a Muppet.
How'd they get in here? They were probably just standing on the street, and they built the club around them.
- Good one, Slade.
- I know.
Okay, let's go before I kill someone.
I'm gonna go take pictures of the suspects.
Wait, suspects, because they bumped into you? No, 'cause I got a hunch.
Oh, not another hunch.
Remember, that's my nickname, Hunch Hamilton! That's what they always called me on set.
That was because of your posture.
It's better than your nickname, Miss Poop-Head-No-Fun-Lady.
Who called me that? I did, just now.
I think it's gonna be a thing.
- Is this the way our night's gonna go? - Mm-hmm.
Because if we're just gonna be wasting time, I would rather go home and waste time with my husband.
Oh, come on, just have one drink.
- Yeah.
- Okay, fine.
Oh! Peace out, bitches.
- Can we talk? - Nope.
Meditating.
Oh, are you sure you're not being passive aggressive since I ditched you at the club last night? I can't hear you.
Aligning my Chakras.
Hm, then you won't mind if I do this.
B-b-b-bleh! You kidding me? So, Hunch Hamilton, how was the rest of your night? Did you have fun harassing the hipsters? They're the Bling Ring! Okay, stop it.
This is not an episode of "The Mystery Girls" where there is a good guy, and then three minutes before the end of the episode, it turns into the bad guy.
Fine, you want facts, don't move.
Move! Where are you going? Going to get facts so Miss Poop-Head-No-Fun-Lady can relax.
It's missus, I'm married.
You got no alibi.
Your fingerprints are all over the crime scene.
So tell me, where'd you bury the bodies? I brought macaroons! What is happening here? This woman was at your desk, going through your files.
Oh, may I? Are you guilty? No.
Then yes.
I brought lemon, pistachio, rose water.
Hey, what do you think you're doing? I wanted to see your files on the Bling Ring.
It's a free country for most people.
No offence.
Wait a minute, you're famous, right? Did you play Buffy? Mm, almost.
Sarah Michelle kneecapped me on the way to the audition.
Stop talking to her, okay? Did you read what's in here? Depends, would you be mad if I did? - Yes.
- Then nope, I didn't.
You know, this is a shame.
I thought we could partner up on this one, like "Turner & Hooch.
" I'm not your Hooch.
Fine, I'll just have to solve this case solo.
No, you won't, or I'll have you arrested.
And a pretty blonde lady like you would be awfully popular in prison.
Well, that threat doesn't work, because I like being popular.
You called me pretty.
Can't take that back.
Detective Freeman, I wish to confess that these are the best macaroons I've ever eaten.
Oh oh, man, it's like there's so much happening.
Where have you been? Nowhere.
Stealing files from the police.
Wait, what? Not all of them, just as many as I could grab before I got fingered by the man.
Okay, that's a poor choice of words, but go on.
Check this out.
Robert Pattinson's house got robbed two weeks ago.
- So? - So? Remember that jacket that guy was wearing last night? Well, here's Robert Pattinson wearing the same jacket.
People can have the same jacket.
Remember that fight you got into with Lance Bass? I wore it better.
Anyway, Demi Lovato's house was also robbed, so we have to go back to that club and see if the Bling Ring is wearing her clothes.
No, no, Holly, you have got to drop this, okay? Stealing files from the police, that could get us into serious trouble.
Yeah, if you narc on me.
We followed your hunch last night, and it led nowhere.
We're following my hunch tonight.
And I'm going out to dinner with my husband and you're staying home.
F.
Y.
I.
, you're not really using the word "Hunch" right.
Charlie's gonna kill us.
Kill us with kindness after we solve this case.
Whoo, there's our guy! English, English! I hope this club is up to code 'cause if not, I'm gonna burst into flames.
I'm gonna go talk to them.
You hang back in case things get loco.
Oh how loco? It's a club! Sometimes I throw a drink, it's my thing.
Hey, is this seat taken? - Yes.
- Good.
Hot earrings.
They look just like the ones Demi Lovato wore to the Billboard Awards.
Yeah, but I wore 'em better.
Uh you know whose clothes I just love? Jennifer Lawrence's.
Did you say Jennifer Lawrence? Sure did, yo.
I love J-Law's style.
Totes, me too.
Uh, "Totes" is out like your nipple.
Psych! Charisma, one, whoever you are, zero.
Oh, we met last night.
You insulted my fur! Oh, right, Charisma, two.
Well, Charisma, back to J-Law, I live in her neighborhood, and I heard she's out of town filming a movie.
Oh, man, would I love to look through her closets.
I knew it.
Oh my God, it's my mom.
B.
R.
B.
What are you doing here? I thought you were on a date.
Yeah, I made a dinner reservation next-door, because I had a hunch you'd do this.
Well, well, well, the Hunchee becomes the Huncher.
Come, come on, let go.
Get your claws off me, Lobster Woman.
Hurry, Michael thinks I'm still in the bathroom.
Hey, you're here! Someone came to party.
Just give me two more minutes, the trap is almost set.
What trap? I'm trying to convince them to go rob Jennifer Lawrence.
No, hasn't Katniss suffered enough? The wheels are already in motion.
I'll be right back.
Don't worry, I'm gonna be cool.
She won't be cool.
Now things are gonna get crazy.
Why can't she just go home and go to bed? She slammed five energy drinks in the past hour, so probably not.
Oh God.
Last time she drank that many, she fought the Red Knight at Medieval Times with her turkey leg.
Charlie, you're overreacting.
Oh, she won.
Let go of me! You let go of me! I asked you first.
Ugh! What did you do? I threw a drink.
It's my thing.
This is great.
You got thrown out, and I got stuck with a tab for an $800 bottle of vodka.
Yeah, I probably should have thrown something cheaper.
Guys, you seem awfully calm considering this entire building is spinning in a circle.
How'd you afford to get so hungover? Petty cash.
And someone had to stay behind and get Slade's phone number.
And you can thank me by not screaming all of your sentences.
Text Slade, see where he's gonna be tonight.
No, no, you and Pinocchio have gone far enough.
This case is closed, and I am returning this file to the police where it belongs.
Wait, do I look like Pinocchio? No! Well, sometimes, when you wear suspenders and shorts.
Okay, you've had a night in solitary to think about it.
There are no more macaroons.
Ready to talk? Caught another blonde lady stealing stuff from your desk! I wasn't stealing, I was returning.
And I brought cookies because I heard someone has a sweet tooth.
Holly stole this? Hey, I know you from TV.
You were on "Ally McBeal," right? Yes, and you were on the News, covered in blood.
Hey, stop talking to each other.
You guys know stealing from a police station is extra illegal, right? Yes, I am aware of that, but Holly gets obsessed with things.
Last week it was Blue Ivy, this week it's the Bling Ring.
She thinks she's on to something.
- I doubt that.
- Why? Because this is bigger than Beyonce's beautiful baby! It's a highly-organized group of burglars.
In fact, they struck again last night Jennifer Lawrence's house.
- What? - What? What? Uh, I have to get going.
You, stay strong.
Hey, Cop, I gotta come clean.
I'm gonna murder these cookies.
You were right! Where are you guys? Whoa, whoa, what are you doing? Taking a picture of Nick to send to Slade.
Why? He's straight.
Not after he sees this picture.
Don't worry, it's not about the case.
I've dropped it.
Well, pick it up! 'Cause guess what! Slade is the leader of the Bling Ring.
What are you talking about? Guess whose house was broken into last night.
Jennifer Lawrence! My hunch paid off! Ow! Careful, I have the skin of a newborn.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? That we should find out what moisturizer Nick uses? No, sting operation.
I want to catch these guys in the act.
Nick, text Slade and tell him that Holly Hamilton is out of town, and see if he and his friends want to sneak in - and swim in her pool.
- Ooh, ha! I can't wait to rub this in Duane's chiseled face.
Chiseled face? I mean, I'm sure his body's chiseled, too.
Oh, really.
You like him, huh? - No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
You want to touch his chisel.
Oh, my God, Slade already wrote back.
Well, what'd he say? "Who the hell is Holly Hamilton?" Send the link to my Wikipedia page.
Good idea.
A real-life sting operation.
Duane's gonna be so impressed.
Where is he? I told him we were having an intervention for you.
Ugh, he would never believe that.
Hey, sorry I'm late.
Where is everyone? Uh, I lied, there is no intervention.
Oh look, ladies, I'm flattered, but I've been in threesomes before.
There are always hurt feelings.
No, no, no, no.
That's not why we called you here.
Holly was right.
She I.
D.
'd the Bling Ring.
And they are on their way here, any minute, to rob her house.
Wait, wait, wait, back up.
How many threesomes have you been in? Come on, the bedroom's in here.
They're coming! Hide! Where, where, where? Get under the bed, I don't know.
Hurry, hurry, fast! You're so slow, oh my God.
What'd I tell you guys? We got the whole place to ourselves.
Nice work sliding through that gate, Nick.
It was easy, I'm on a cleanse.
Whoa, time to do some shopping.
Yeah, well, look around, ladies.
It's a 100% off sale.
You guys like any of this stuff? Not really.
It's like a thrift store for drag queens.
Drag queens? I'm furious! Or am I flattered? I'm gonna go with flattered.
This is nice.
No thanks.
I already have a clown costume for Halloween.
That's it, this ho is going down.
Yeah, let's bounce.
Yeah, I don't want to catch any ugly from these clothes.
I bet if you were the fashion police, you'd do something.
What about this? Do you want this? I want this.
What are you waiting for? Arrest them! They didn't steal anything.
I mean, I guess I can arrest the one guy - for breaking and entering.
- Do it! - I'm talking about Nick.
- Do it! Look, don't feel bad.
Now that we know who they are, I'll get them another time.
Ugh, that doesn't do me any good.
I wanted the glory! She does love the glory.
Psst, guys! James Franco's at Sundance.
We're gonna go down the street and rob his house.
I mean, they're gonna go down the street and rob his house.
I'm gonna stay right here.
Detective Freeman requesting backup.
Yeah, 7311 Cockatoo Drive.
Nice work Detectives.
This one was all Holly.
Well, I guess I can share the glory this one time.
Mystery solved.
- Really? - Oh my God! - She said that? - Yeah! What's going on here? Freeman, why didn't you tell me? "The Mystery Girls," my favorite! Well, I'm not surprised.
Prisoners love me.
We brought brownies.
There's a key in them too.
Just kidding! Is there an open back-door we don't know about? No, but if you just jiggle the handle, it pops right open.
Our phone has been ringing off the hook with cases, and we wanted to say thank you for giving us the credit.
Well, you solved it, you earned it.
You can go now! Okay? Come on, let's do it.
- Bye! - And you.
Come on.
No, not you! Oh, uh, he hid the bodies under the "D" in the Hollywood Sign.
Oh, man! That was girl talk just between us!