Napoleon Dynamite (2011) s01e02 Episode Script

(electric buzz) (shivering) (electric buzz and shivering again) - Excellent work, Don.
- Yeah! - Napoleon, what do you see here? - Easy.
It's a Samurai warrior relaxing after a long day of defending his prefecture.
Wrong! It's young newlyweds enjoying a refreshing lemonade on a porch swing.
Don? Now, I see it.
A+, Don! Through this experiment, I've proven that pain is very real.
Now, tomorrow, we're going to be studying the science of love human love.
- What? - He said "Love human love".
This is the Scantronica 3000, the most accurate barometer of human compatibility ever created.
(beeping) STUDENTS: Ooh (whirring, bell dings) Tonight you will fill out these cards.
Tomorrow Scantronica will pair you up with your ideal mate.
You mean that computer will bring my true love to me, no matter how oblivious he is? (buzzing) (grunting) Yes, Deborah.
Unlike a bad lover, science never lies.
Isn't that right, Scantronica? FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE: Refill paper tray.
Yes, my sweet.
Ugh! Get a room.
(snoring) KIP: Grandma, wake up.
(gasping) This better be good.
I was skinny-dipping with Merle Haggard.
I just mastered the Horizontal Enigma with my Fushigi Ball.
Behold.
Maybe so.
Fascinating.
(snoring) Whoa, Kip! Are you in league with Lucifer? It's called contact juggling.
It has nothing to do with the dark arts.
In that case, you could perform at birthday parties and make some serious moola.
But I don't even have a manager.
All right, I'll do it! First order of business, you need a flashier name.
Kip Dynamite boring! This Scantronica stuff is a pile of bull.
Technology will never fulfill my desires.
What did you put for "walks on the beach"? Long or short? I hate the beach.
Yeah, me, too.
If you ask me, there's only two questions that matter for compatibility: What's your favorite kind of hawk? And "How many do you own?" Do you think a girl like Summer would rather live in a house, apartment, mansion or shack? Why are you trying to get with Summer? Everyone knows she loves Don.
Ow! Yeah! (laughs) You're hilarious, Don! Shut up and tot me, babe.
Now malt me.
Mmm! Maybe you're right I'll just fill it out with honesty.
Hey, Napoleon! (grunts) What the heck was that for? I was trying to tot you.
Psycho! Hello.
I didn't see you there.
My name is Kip Create, and welcome to my world of creative entertainment.
Check out some of my moves, if you dare.
I can do the squid, the jellyfish, and I'm great with kids.
Hi, there, little guy.
Hey, Mr.
Create.
How much would you charge to perform at my baptism? $80.
Here's $90.
Book Kip Create today for your next birthday party, funeral or ladies' night.
Call Kip Create, don't you wait He'll be on time, he's never late.
I'll never write anything that good again.
And cut! Nailed it.
I'll say! Now we just have to go house to house to show people this tape.
Gently, students; gently.
You know what to do.
Santo Valentino, please guide my card.
(grunts) There.
(grinding) (beeping) And now Scantronica will seductively process your love data.
(laughs) Yes! (grunts) FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE: Matchups complete.
I've just been told the matchups are complete.
Once you hear Scantronica's logic-based love assignments, you'll realize what a useless organ the human heart really is.
(beeping) FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE: Jean and Gene.
(both gasp) (lush orchestral melody) (both grunt, giggle) - Aw - Of course! How did I never see that? FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE: Summer and Pedro.
Hijole! What?! No! FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE: Napoleon and Tokiko.
Oh, Napoleon, I knew I'd get you! I'll own a hobby store, and you'll be a stay-at-home dad and Wait! Who's Tokiko? How the heck should I know? Oh, I forgot to introduce our new foreign-exchange student, Tokiko.
Konnichiwa.
Then who did I get? FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE: Deb and Don.
But Don's a D-bag! Your D-bag, baby! Yeah! Don't leave him hanging.
Me and Don?! There must be something wrong with that computer.
I know Scantronica will be right about me and Summer.
As soon as she stops crying.
(sobbing) (rip) Why? I guess I should go comfort her about having to date me.
You're taking the experiment too seriously, Deb.
The computer doesn't know anything about us.
It said I was compatible with that chick over there (blade rings) who just pulled a freaking katana blade out of her backpack.
(blade whipping) Later, Deb.
Dave, right? Deb.
Okay, this makes a little more sense, then.
Anyway, my folks want to make sure you're good enough for me.
- Want to come over after school? - I don't know.
(bang) Sure.
Why not? CROWD: Ooh (whirring) Hey, this is my street corner.
You're stealing my crowd.
Listen, robot man, there's one and a half of us and only one of you.
So why don't you just head back to outer space? Street freaks, unite! (chainsaws buzz) Oh, dear.
Hold on to your Fushigi, Kipper.
(yelling and mechanical noises) ROBOT MAN: Let's ice that punk.
Lookie here, our first dollar.
(chainsaw revs) Ooh Napoleon, what are you doing in my lucky kimono? There's an awesome Japanese girl coming over, and I want to make a good impression.
Dang it.
This could be my only chance to fulfill my destiny as a wandering samurai bladesman.
(grunting) Oh, my junk.
(sighs) Come here, grasshopper.
(groans) Thanks, Grandma, you're the best.
(doorbell rings) She's here.
Get lost.
(giggles) You speak Japanese? I stayed up all night, mastering your tongue.
(giggles) (sobbing) I just miss Don so much.
I wonder who he's making fun of right now.
Probably someone who doesn't deserve it.
I know.
Don's incredible.
It's your shot.
Uh, this day just keeps getting worse! (crunch, rattles) Ow! (whimpering) Ooh (rattles, then stops) Oh, my.
The last time I was bit by a rattlesnake on this hole, Don just laughed.
I am not Don.
Wow, you are really tan.
And you've obviously been working on your beach body.
Let's just say, I've been getting ready for Summer.
Ooh (giggles) DON: Mom, this is the girl the machine gave me.
People call her Deb.
It's short for Deborah.
And you're short for adorable.
These are Don's sisters, Dolly, Daisy, and Daphne.
They're all D names.
I never thought of that.
Welcome to the family, Deb.
Come on, Don, sports.
Oh, boy! Sports! Those men and their sports.
(laughing) Your home is beautiful, Mrs.
Moser.
You know, I used to tell people I lived here, back when my family was going through challenges.
You're hysterical, Deb.
You know, I can tell by your homemade clothes, that you have a penchant for arts and crafts.
It's my favorite thing in the world.
I hope that doesn't sound conceited.
Well, if it's your favorite thing in the world, then this will be your favorite place in the world.
Welcome to the Moser scrapbooking room.
(gasps) Wow! This used to be the maid's room, till we found out she was bringing her kid to work.
Curvy scissors? Two-sided tape? Is that glitter or glue? It's both, Deb.
If I had a room like this, I'd never leave.
And you don't have to, Deb, if you promise yourself to Don.
I always thought Don would marry Summer.
Summer? We don't really care for her.
Yeah, she thinks she's all that.
But you don't think you're anything.
So, what do you say? I don't know.
Promising yourself to someone is a serious thing.
It's my whole future.
Well, how do you see your future? (wheels squeak) (doorbell chimes) Hi, I'm selling Can't you read? No solicitors.
Napoleon? It's me, Deb.
Oh, hey, Deb.
What's it been, like, 30 freaking years? More or less.
You look good.
Yeah, I'm pretty much the best-looking I've ever been.
Napoleon, you didn't tell me you had sad company.
You must be the friend from high school he never talks about.
We should double date sometime, with you and Don.
I didn't marry Don.
I didn't marry anyone.
You snooze, you lose.
Right, my little mochi balls? (children laughing) Sayonara, fat future Deb.
(echoing): Fat future Deb Fat future Deb What do you say, fat future Deb? What was that? I said, "What do you say, thin present-day Deb"? (grunting, banging) E5, drop for your sensei.
Master Kwon Do, I'd like you to meet my scientifically chosen soul mate, Tokiko.
Well, it's an honor to have a full-blown Asian lady in my dojo.
Let me show you the improvements I've made to your ancient art.
Dynamite, engage! (gong) (smacking and grunting) Admit defeat.
You admit defeat.
Hey, China Beach, who's the victor? Stop! I've seen enough! Tokiko, what's wrong? Why aren't you giggling? Napoleon, I love martial arts, but I came to your country to learn how to be an American girl.
I want to make friends and then say mean things behind their backs.
I want to go to the prom, and throw up in a limo.
I want to make everything I say sound like a question? Lame.
Napoleon, there's a lot more to me than my amazing samurai abilities.
But I don't think you'll ever see past that.
Probably not.
So just friends then? Um, I'd, like, really like that? Never turn your back on anyone! My back listens to no man.
(groaning) I don't know about this, Rico.
Nobody hired me to perform here.
That don't matter.
Once they see you gift for illusion, they'll be filling your culottes with cash.
Ouch.
Hello, I'm Kip Create, and I'm here to dazzle you.
(music & conversation stop, billiard ball clacks) RICO: Oh, dang! Faster, Rico, faster! Man, we've been doing a lot of running today.
(gunshot, Kip gasps) (bell rings) (squeaking) What's wrong, Scantronica? You used to light up when I did this.
Replace bulb.
Oh, thank heavens.
Professor Koontz, guess what? Your stupid machine is a big steaming pile of crud.
Whoa, whoa, let's not say anything we're going to regret.
I totally mismatched me.
It doesn't know anything about love.
Doesn't it, Napoleon? That's it, students.
Enjoy each other.
Reap while the corn still grows high.
Sick.
I know I'm not the only one who thinks this is stupid.
Deb got paired up with that lame-wad, Don.
Hey, Napoleon.
Deb! Look out! There's a muskrat on your head! Don likes it.
Who cares? Don likes mayonnaise.
Mayonnaise is the best.
Hey, everybody, Deb and I are having an awesome promise ring ceremony on my dad's houseboat.
And none of you are invited.
(cheering) Can you believe it? I'm engaged to be engaged to be engaged.
GIRLS: A ring's gonna look so good on that finger.
I believe you have something to say to Scantronica.
Heck, yes, I do.
Uh, can I have a hall pass? Pedro, we've got to stop Deb from going through with that dumb promise ring ceremony.
It's no big deal.
But Deb never breaks a promise.
She's super honest.
You know how we're, like, supposed to pay for our school lunches? She actually does.
So do I, Napoleon.
I pay for yours, too.
Sucker So, you gonna help me or what? I'd like to, Napoleon, but I worked very hard to win Summer's heart and make her forget all about Don.
Don? Did somebody say "Don"? Was it Don? (sighs) Okay, we're in.
Did you say, "We're Don"? Oy I can't believe you finally got me a gig, Uncle Rico.
And on the high seas, no less.
If there's one thing rich people love, it's amateur entertainment.
Thanks for the dress, Mrs.
Moser.
I didn't know I could ever be this pretty.
(scary music) (gasping) What? Don't panic, Deb.
It's just a laugh line.
A hideous, disfiguring laugh line.
Don shouldn't have to see that on his special day, Mom.
Yes, let's go below deck and get that fixed right up.
Oh, Don looks so handsome in his houseboat clothes.
I'll say, he could be a presenter at an awards show.
Maybe at the Butthole Awards.
We gotta get out to that houseboat.
(boat approaches) That gives me an idea.
Follow me.
This better be a really good idea.
That was easy.
(grunting with effort) It's almost starting.
Hurry! (both grunting with effort) Sit right here, Deb.
This is Dr.
Jeff.
He's our in-houseboat plastic surgeon.
Plastic surgeon?! Relax, Deb, this is a very simple procedure.
I'm just gonna cut your face off, scoop some fat out of the cheeks, and staple it back into place.
What do you say? Are you with me? No, I'm not.
It's okay, Deb, we've all had it done.
Aah! I am not having plastic surgery.
Deb's right, there's no time.
We'll Botox her.
We've gathered here today to bind two people in a non-binding promise.
Scantronica, do you have the rings? Of course you do.
Don, you look pale and handsome, as always.
Tans are for poor people.
And Deborah, you have not been able to wipe that grin from your face since you boarded this barge.
Help me.
Bless your heart.
I don't know if we should go through with this.
Deb looks pretty happy.
SUMMER: That's not happiness, that's the Moser Botox glow.
And it's supposed to be on my face.
In that case, we're still a go.
Donald, do you promise to one day make a promise to take Deb as your lawfully wedded wife? Okay.
And Deborah, my delicate mashed potato, - do you promise - No.
- to promise - No.
to obey Donald and cater to his every whim and fancy? Still no.
Pedro did you place any detonation charges on the bottom of the boat? Was I supposed to? No, but it would have been sweet.
I guess we'll just have to be explosive with our words.
Hey, Deb! Don't do this.
Napoleon? I owe you an apology.
I'm sorry that I was right all along.
That machine is stupid.
I shouldn't be with Tokiko, and you shouldn't be with Don.
Are you saying you and I should be promised to each other? What?! No.
GUESTS: WOMAN: He loves her.
Everyone shut up! Mind your own business! Come on, Deb, let's get out of here.
Oh, you're not going anywhere.
What are you gonna do about it? (snaps) (growling) I got this.
No, it's too dangerous.
Don't worry, you don't become head cheerleader without cracking a few skulls.
I'll miss you, Pedro.
Thanks for taking me to Mexico.
That was my house.
Hi-ya! Chick fight! Yeah! Out of my way, you classy hag.
Resistance is futile, Napoleon.
You're tangling with a force you don't understand the upper-middle class! (Napoleon gasps, shudders) (gasping breaths) Kip? (crowd ooh-ing) Hello.
I'm Kip Create.
Welcome to my world of illusion and hypnotic dance.
(gasps) Look at that ball! (frustrated grunt) Why does he always need attention? I think he's creating a diversion for us.
Oh.
Sweet.
Thanks, Kip.
Better hang on.
This is gonna be awesome.
(whooping) PEDRO: Oy, yo-yoy! This thing rips! If I was upper-middle class, I'd rent the crap out of one of these.
You'll always be upper-middle class to me, Napoleon.
Hey, you got your plain old face back.
I missed it.
- Aw - Shut up! Yes! Orale! GRANDMA: Napoleon! Get that thing out of the pool! I'm trying to Aqua Jog! And we're looking for buried treasure.
Fine! (Pedro yells, Deb whoops) You boys get out of the pool, too.
I'm gonna do some stretches you might not want to see.
Uh, 'nuff said, Carlinda.
Come on, Kip.
I wish there were more goblets.