Never Have I Ever (2020) s01e02 Episode Script

What? Mom, I'm fast asleep!
You don't look like you're asleep.
Paxton?
What are you doing here?
I'm doing exactly what I said I'd do.
I'm here to have sex with you.
Whoa.
Wow.
Your body looks so good
in that over-sized t-shirt.
And is that
dandruff shampoo.
Wait. This is a dream, isn't it?
Look, if anyone here
is dreaming, it's me.
I mean, look at you. You have
the beauty of Priyanka Chopra,
with the incisive intellect
of Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Yeah, of course it was a dream, people.
You didn't think it'd be
that easy for her, did you?
And the whole time, Paxton
kept complimenting me
and telling me how much
he respected me and stuff.
What do you think that means?
Devi, the reason I was enlisted
by your doctors and your mother
is to delve into some
of the major events
that have happened in your
life over this last year.
Now, we've been seeing
each other for months,
and you still don't want
to talk about your father.
What's there to talk about?
He's dead. It made me sad.
Now I want to talk about a major
event that could happen this week!
Popping my cherry, Doc.
Oh, lord.
The statistical odds that
I would lose my virginity
to somebody that hot are incredibly low.
I ran the numbers with Fabiola.
I have a better chance
of being hit by a meteor.
I know. I got your Excel spreadsheet.
We could talk about
my dead dad any time.
I'm in a very specific window right now.
I'm ready to bone.
If you were ready to bone,
you wouldn't use the
phrase "ready to bone."
And what's so special
about this boy, anyway?
Uh
This.
- You can scroll.
- I'm not gonna scroll.
Trust me. Scroll.
I'm not Damn!
Is this kid on HGH?
I know, right?
Point made.
But he is still a person
with feelings and problems.
Hot people don't have problems.
I mean, I've seen the
people in your waiting room.
No offense, but they're mostly uggos.
Uh, I do take offense to that.
Look, forget about Paxton.
In your current mental state,
losing your virginity to
someone you barely know
and who probably
doesn't care about you
Is a great idea that you fully support?
You know that's not where
I was going with that.
Nice try.
Devi, I know you're upset.
And I wronged you, and I'm sorry,
and I don't expect
you to just forgive me,
so I stayed up all night,
and I made a photo montage
of our entire friendship set
to John Legend's "All of Me."
It's all good. I forgive you.
Okay, well, with your permission,
I'd still like to play it.
- It took a long time, and
- We're good.
I'm happy for you and Oliver.
Oh, great.
El and I agreed, we won't
keep any more secrets from you,
even if the harsh truth puts
you in a wheelchair once again.
Well, that's not gonna happen,
but I appreciate the sentiment.
Hey, Fab.
I like your denim overalls.
Fab, what was that? That was so sexy.
Did you ask out Alex Gomez?
I followed through on
your boyfriends plans,
so, yes, Alex and I are going to
Wetzel's Pretzels this weekend.
What about you and Jonah?
Did you ask him out yet?
I heard he works at Sephora
and loves giving makeovers.
Actually, I've been
talking to someone else.
Paxton Hall-Yoshida. Ever heard of him?
Devi told her friends about
her interaction with Paxton,
but let's just say she wouldn't
get points for accuracy.
Yeah, it was so weird.
I was just minding my own business,
and then Paxton literally
pulls me aside, and is like
"Hey, you're Devi, right?
I think you're super
cool and whip-smart.
And if you're down with it,
I want to get to know you better."
And I was like Yeah. I mean, sure.
I guess that could be cool.
Yes!
He said "whip-smart"?
- He absolutely did not.
- Yeah, he did.
So if things go well, I might
start dating Paxton or something.
I guess we'll have to see.
Fab, are you paying attention?
Yep. Someone's dating Paxton.
Me. Fab, pay attention.
Anyways, I'm gonna go contour my
nose before he sees me in class.
Later.
Devi strode off,
confident her friends had
believed this bullshit story.
Fabiola and Eleanor were confident
their friend had become
completely unhinged.
Nalini Maami?
No need to find me a sari to wear.
I've selected a killer outfit for
my video call with Prashant's family.
Okay. What is it?
I'm in it.
That? That jeans and blazer?
Are you crazy?
A fashion segment on The Today Show
said it was a fun way to
mix professional and casual.
Yes, you look like a
careerist western woman,
which you obviously are,
but they don't need to know that yet.
Kamala, his family wants to see
that you can cook, clean, and
cater to their son's needs.
They basically want him
to marry his own mother.
That sounds sexually confusing.
It is, but this is
just the wedding dance.
After you get married, you
move to the United States,
you can do whatever you want.
- Are you okay?
- Okay, okay, okay, yeah.
I don't even know why we have
this stupid bike. It was Mohan's.
I always hated it.
So, what do you think of my new hog?
What is wrong with you?
I gave you strict instructions
to buy a moderately-priced sedan.
You did, but I received
other instructions
from California.
- What?
- Come on, my love.
We already have your car,
and this will be our fun ride
for date nights.
For date night?
Who am I, Kate Hudson?
Yes, and I am your Matthew McConnicky!
You could sell it,
and maybe we could put the money
toward turning the AC
on every once in a while.
Turn on the AC?
There are people in Siberia
who'd kill to be this hot.
But yes, perhaps I
should sell this bike.
At lunch, Devi beelined it to
where she knew Paxton would be,
the most intimidating place at school
the Hot Pocket.
It was where all the best-looking
guys in school ate lunch.
We're talking Marcus Jones.
We're talking Eddie Tan.
Hell, we're talking Trent Harrison.
But Devi was determined.
So she swallowed her nerves
and walked right in
Ow. Goddamn it!
where she instantly got
hit in the face with a lanyard.
- Did I just hit you?
- It's cool.
Hey, Paxton, can I talk to you?
Okay.
So I thought I would follow up on
our conversation from the other day
and ask if you wanted to hang out later?
Oh, oh, you mean, uh, like, have sex?
Uh
Sure, uh, maybe after
school today at my place?
- Today?
- Yeah.
That's super soon, which is great.
Soon is great. It's just
I have orchestra after
school today, so I can't.
But maybe later this week?
I don't know. Maybe.
Okay, great.
We'll compare calendars
tomorrow or something.
We'll figure it out. Later, skater.
What?
Greetings, musicians.
I hope your summer
didn't go by too allegro.
Forget it.
I'd like to welcome back
Devi V, our star harpist.
As you all know, Devi
had a really bad year.
We all did, considering what we had
to witness at the spring concert.
You remember what it was. No need to
spell it out.
When Devi's dad died.
Anyway, welcome back, Devi! Let's jam.
Mr. Chan, it smells like shit over here.
What? No, it doesn't.
Yeah, it does.
It smells like there is
actual shit in this room.
There's not. The room was
cleaned over the summer.
Okay. Well, what about those vents?
Did they clean those
vents over the summer?
There could be shit up
there. You don't know.
Eric, enough. We're playing.
Strings, lead us in.
Mr. Chan, I can't play like this!
You come over here and sniff, and
tell me there's not shit nearby.
- Goddamn it, Eric!
- What?
I'm gonna barf in my tuba.
Paxton!
Hey. I can actually come now.
That scheduling conflict
I had cleared up.
- Cool. Get in.
- Okay.
Holy shit.
Twist.
Being inside Paxton's garage
was like getting an intimate
window into his mind.
Whoa, Paxton speaks Japanese?
Guess his last name
makes more sense now.
Bye.
Sorry. That was my grandpa.
Can I get you a drink?
Sure. Do you have any chocolate
Ah.
Beer. You read my mind.
All right. Well, my mom will be
home soon, so better get to it.
Oh.
Just so you know, I have to
shave my chest for swimming,
so the stubble might, like,
irritate your skin a little bit.
Oh, God.
You know what? I just
remembered. I have to go home,
because I have a package
coming that I need to sign for.
Devi was panicking and pretty
bad at coming up with excuses.
- Word.
- Yeah.
It's medication for my mom's polio.
- Good lord.
- Yeah, so
- Ow. Goddamn it!
- Oh, shit. Are you okay?
Yep, I'm fine.
Are you sure? You're bleeding.
It's chill. I'll see you tomorrow.
Well, this certainly was not
the walk of shame Devi was hoping for.
And now, her day was
only about to get worse.
What the ?
Uh
What the hell's going on here?
Devi, is that any way to greet
your mother and your neighbor?
Andrew here was just thinking
of buying Dad's old moped.
What? You can't sell it.
I'm almost 16. I could drive it.
Then every year, I can go leave flowers
on the part of the highway where
you died in a horrible accident.
But it's Dad's.
He wouldn't want you to sell
it to a discount Luke Wilson.
- Oh, I know Luke. He's a great guy.
- Shut up.
Dad's not here. It's my call.
Mom, you're being such a bitch!
Yeah, you better go to your
room before I give you a smack!
Smacking is still an acceptable
punishment in many minority cultures.
Sorry, we don't have
Bagel Bites tonight.
My mom's super pissed at me, and
now she won't make us any snacks,
despite the fact that Bagel
Bites, like, help us study!
You should've thought
about your Bagel Bites
before you called me a bitch!
- Oh, okay.
- Look,
we want to talk about a
different type of snack.
Paxton H-Y.
- We saw you drive off with him today.
- Did you guys hook up?
Is his penis as big as it
looks in those gray sweatpants?
It's like he's smuggling
a pepper grinder in there.
Yeah, like one of those tubes
of Pillsbury cookie dough.
Yum, yum.
Right, guys?
It was bad.
It's like, I think about sex 24/7,
but I don't really know how to do it.
In the movies, you always see the
girl kiss her way down a guy's body,
but then, she moves off-screen.
Is she stopping at the penis, or
kissing all the way to the foot?
- Penis.
- Foot.
See? I thought I was
ready, but maybe I'm not.
Wait. We are smart,
and idiots are banging all the time.
If they can do it, we can
learn how to do it too.
Missionary.
Reverse cowgirl.
The love seat.
Snowmanning.
Jolly Roger?
The Trust Bird.
Hey, this was really
uncomfortable for me to watch.
Hmm.
How is the weather?
Good.
How is the weather for you?
Southern California. Can't complain.
What's interesting about me is
I'm in a six-year research program
to find preventative
treatment for Lyme disease.
We've had a recent
breakthrough, and it's
Namaskaar, Maami, Maama.
What she loves to do is cook.
Kamala, tell them about some
of your favorite recipes.
- Tater-tot nachos.
- Hup-up-up.
What she meant to say
was sambar, idli, dosa.
All the classics. You
name it, she can cook it.
Except meat.
I do eat eggs.
She's joking.
It's just a catchphrase of one of her
favorite characters on American TV.
"I do eat eggs. I do eat eggs."
- That's how she says.
- I do eat eggs.
You shouldn't wear so much makeup.
It'll collect on your mustache.
At least I can grow a mustache.
My doctor says any day now.
Who are you trying to impress?
Not that it's any of your business,
but I'm kind of seeing someone,
and I have a date after school.
Devi, the only person you're
seeing is your therapist,
because you went straight-up psycho
and couldn't walk for three months.
Oh, yeah?
Well, I won't be able
to walk again tomorrow,
because I'm about to go get railed.
Peace out, virgin.
Yeah, you can come see
the bike whenever you want,
and yes, it's in perfect
condition, not one scratch.
Okay, bye.
Hey, we already have
one perfect daughter.
That is all we need.
Our family is complete.
Why don't we go outside? Hmm?
Take some fresh air.
It'll make you feel better.
I don't want to feel better.
Trust me.
Oh, oh, oh.
There is nothing to
worry about, my love!
I had the bike blessed at the temple.
Devi had prepared all she could,
just like I did for
the US Open Final in '84
when I won in straight sets.
But if she was gonna
win her first major,
she had to put her game face on.
Okay, Devi. You can do this.
You can do sex.
It's like riding a bike
except the bike is a man.
'Sup?
I'm just finishing up a run.
Okay, cool.
So do you need to stretch or something,
or are you good to just go into
your garage and have sex with me?
Um
I'm good to go to the garage.
So, here we are
about to pleasure each other.
But before I can rock your
world, I need to freshen up.
Can you point me in the
direction of the ladies' room?
I wouldn't wanna pee in
the middle of doing it.
Yeah, that'd be bad.
- First door on the right.
- Thanks.
Jesus Christ!
Are you okay?
I heard you yell.
I'm Paxton's sister.
I dropped my phone in the toilet.
It's clean now. It dried fast.
Oh, okay.
Hey, can you help me with something?
Uh, sure.
I'm going to the movies with my friends.
Which pair of jeans is the fiercest?
Oh. For sure the distressed
ones. They look hot.
Yeah, I got them at
Old Navy. I work there.
Cool. I got fired from retail.
They said my hands were
too sweaty to fold clothes.
So are you Paxton's new girlfriend?
You think I look like one
of Paxton's girlfriends?
No.
Because you don't look like a skank.
- Damn, girl. Savage burn.
- Thanks.
I'm Rebecca.
I'm Devi. It's nice to meet you.
What are you doing?
Becca, I thought you were at work.
I switched with Lisa.
She gets her braces off tomorrow.
You said you were just going
to the bathroom. What the hell?
Wait. Are you mad at me or something?
Have fun at the movies.
Nice to meet you.
Why are you sneaking around my
house and talking to my sister?
Was I not supposed to? I didn't
even know you had a sister.
Oh, you think I'm hiding her now,
because I'm embarrassed
of her, or something?
- No, I didn't say that.
- Okay.
I don't think this is gonna work.
All right, you should probably just go.
Devi, let's go! Traffic
is heavier than usual!
There was a dead body found on the 101.
Paxton, can I talk to you?
Oh, my God!
Were you just at the
Hot Pocket with Paxton?
Because you Oh, my double God.
You don't even have to say another word.
I can already tell you're
not a virgin anymore.
- You're glowing.
- No, um
Devi, this is amazing.
You just went from the person in
school that everyone felt sad for
to the person in school that
everyone is gonna be jealous of.
And there it was, the truth.
Everyone pitied her.
And if Devi came clean now,
she'd be back to being nothing
more than the school's sob story.
Yeah. No, it's crazy.
I can't believe I'm a woman now.
It feels totally different.
Hey, Fabiola.
Can't wait to hit up Wetzel's
P's with you this weekend.
Same.
Oh, my God.
We basically all have boyfriends
now. Can you believe our lives?
Devi was rattled.
For a girl who always
knew all the answers,
she didn't know what to do.
How could she make things right with
Paxton if he wouldn't talk to her?
- He was less than two feet away, but
- Devi.
I asked you a question.
Oh, shit. Apparently, Mr.
Shapiro asked Devi a question.
I missed it too. I was
talking to you guys.
Name seven groups the
Nazis wanted to exterminate.
Oh, um
the Jews, the disabled,
Freemasons, bench republicans,
the queer community,
Jehovah's Witnesses, and, um
Uh
May I, Mr. Shapiro?
Yeah.
It's the Romani people, Mr. Shapiro.
That's right, Ben. Good work.
It's okay, Devi.
I know how hard it is
to memorize seven facts.
Yeah, well, I wish the
Nazis would kill you, so
Devi, what was that?
Yeah, Devi, please share your
mumble with the rest of the class.
I said I wished the
Nazis would kill Ben.
- Man
- Oh, shoot.
What the hell, Devi?
You can't just go around wishing
Nazis would kill classmates.
Especially ones who are
- Jews?
- Yes, exactly. Your words.
Devi, apologize to Ben right now!
- I'm sorry.
- You're gonna have to do better than that.
I'm sorry. I'm just messed-up.
I'm just a messed-up
person who ruins everything
and will never find happiness.
And why should I? I don't deserve love.
I'm a rude teenager, who
disrespects her mother.
I wish I was the dead body on the 101.
Okay, that was dark.
Principal Grubbs, if it's okay with
you, I'd like not to press charges.
Okay, we really weren't
discussing that, Ben.
Um
So why don't you two work it out
and don't tell your parents. Okay?
Ben, I'm really sorry. I
don't want Nazis to kill you.
It's okay.
I could tell something
bigger was bothering you.
Besides being pwned by
your intellectual superior.
I'm assuming the date didn't go well?
Everyone thinks Shira and I
are this perfect power couple
going to fundraisers at restaurants
owned by Lisa Vanderpump.
She's one of my dad's clients.
Yeah, that comes up a weird amount.
Yeah, but my point is, even Shira
and I have our ups and downs,
but we make it work.
'Cause I push her intellectually,
and her hotness elevates me socially.
You're gross, Gross.
But thanks.
Steve, wait. We can no longer date.
- What?
- It's complicated,
but my parents want me
to be with someone else.
Is it because I coach
a really bad track team?
CalTech's not known for
having great athletes.
- Most of my team are too embarrassed to wear shorts.
- No, that's not it.
My parents don't know
about you at all.
But we've been dating for three months.
And they have been
three terrific months.
You have shown me so many
fantastic places in the city.
The Hollywood sign,
Venice Beach, Olive Garden.
But I have a duty to
my family. I'm sorry.
Goodbye, Steve.
Proud of you for boning Paxton!
Mom, I'm hungry!
There's no food in
here, except for popcorn,
chips, hummus, and leftovers, and stuff.
Mom, where are you?
I know you're here. Your car is outside.
Mom!
Kamala, this lemonade is too sour.
Then don't drink it!
Jeez. Sorry.
I've decided, we're keeping the moped.
Not for Devi. For my personal use.
The keys will be hidden.
End of discussion.
And furthermore,
if you ever use the
B-word with me again,
not only will you never drive the moped,
you will never drive, period.
Because you will be dead.
I understand. I'm so sorry.
I'm very excited for taco night.
Mm.
Kamala, the lemonade is a bit too sour.
Excuse me for caring about
this family's sugar intake!
Devi, there's a boy here to see you.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Let's talk over here.
I wanted to say I'm sorry for yesterday.
I'm just kind of
protective of my sister.
She used to get bullied pretty bad
even by people I
thought were my friends.
I guess I've always been
a little too protective.
Like, when my parents first adopted her,
I used to sit by her bed
every night with a Nerf gun.
That's why our cat only has one eye now.
Paxton, I would never
make fun of your sister.
She's super fashionable
and way cooler than me.
- No laughing.
- Mom!
I'm so sorry about your
polio, Doctor Vishwakumar.
What?
Well, thanks for the apology.
If we're cool, should we
meet in your garage tomorrow?
Actually, I don't think
that's a good idea anymore.
It just got weird, you know?
Yeah, sure. I was gonna
say the same thing too.
Okay.
Well, uh I'll see you at school.