New Girl s01e02 Episode Script

SCHMlDT: Jess.
- Yeah? - Can I ask you something? - You want my help? Sure.
- You consider me a sexy man, correct? - I don't know how to answer that question.
I'm meeting a girl for drinks.
I'm probably gonna bring her back here for sex.
I have to get to school.
It's Astronomy Day.
I'm dressing up like Galileo so I have to put on my beard.
But as a lady, where in the room do I look sexiest? You know, like, where am I best on display.
Here? Here? Or - here? - Hey, what is going on? Schmidt wants to know where in his room he looks the sexiest.
- It's a big room.
What are your choices? - Okay, I'm glad you asked.
All right.
- Here.
NlCK: Hm.
Here.
Or here, you know, maybe just reading a book or That's a lot of options.
Do them again really fast.
- Wanna see them again? NlCK: Please.
Here, here, here.
- Wait, what was the first one again? - Yeah.
Okay, I get it, all laugh at Schmidt, great.
Here, here [SlNGlNG.]
Hey, girl Whatcha doin'? Hey, girl Where you goin'? JESS: Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl? - Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl? It's Jess I'm so excited to meet him.
No, Jess, he's sleeping.
He flew in late last night.
We took him straight to the bar.
Took a bunch of shots, got drunk, screamed "l love America.
" Now he's happily passed out.
- Let him sleep.
- I'm not the new kid anymore.
- One of the guys.
- You're still the new kid.
Winston lived here before Coach did.
JESS: Coach said they played basketball together in college but then Winston went pro? In Latvia, okay? He went pro in Latvia.
It's a big difference.
Well, the team logo is a fig.
Just a-- Just one single fig.
- Oh, you're jealous.
That's so cute.
- Of Winston? No, I'm not jealous of Winston.
Okay, it's been two years.
He's gonna have to recognize.
I'm a lot flyer now.
- Wanna see me flex my base? NlCK: No.
Put your shirt on.
- Let me flex my base.
Boom, boom.
- Put your shirt on.
It's the morning.
- He's gonna love it.
- Jess, what are you doing? What is she doing? [DlSHES CLATTER.]
[WlNSTON GASPS.]
- Who-- ? What-- ? Who-- ? - I'm Jess.
JESS [SlNGlNG.]
: I'm Jess WlNSTON: What's happening? Why are you doing that? [JESS SlNGlNG.]
Can't believe you didn't tell me he was hungover.
I totally told you he was hungover.
I said he was drunk at the bar and now he's passed out.
Hi, Winston.
Hey, I apologize for what happened before.
Not cool, bad call.
I've been talking to the guys about boundaries, so I totally get it.
Perfectly fine, no problem.
You have a tank top I could borrow? You look like you're about my size.
I'm really low on clothes because I broke up with my boyfriend.
- Oh, God.
- I caught him cheating.
- And I just grabbed whatever I could and-- SCHMlDT: You know what? Check my lost and found.
It's where I keep stuff girls leave behind in my room after we fornicate.
Got sizes zero through ten.
- What have you done to me, Nick? - I am so happy you're back.
You have made love to a lot of forgetful women.
Oh, man, look at these.
Wow.
Oh, look at that.
Rosh Hashanah, '06.
Nothing orthodox about what we did that night.
- Winston seems nice.
- He say anything to you about the room? - What room? - The big room.
I kind of took it from him when he left.
I used to be in the small room.
This happened in the small room, twice.
Never going back there again, Jess.
- He's never gonna give you that room back.
- Psh.
Come on, it's Schmidt.
You know, they have a saying in Latvia: "That guy is so stupid, we could easily take things away from him.
" - That's a saying? - Yeah, it is.
NlCK: Weird saying.
Oh! What do you think? I've been telling you this for weeks, but you gotta call Spencer and you gotta get your stuff back, unless-- You know, unless you're scared.
No, I am not scared.
It's just complicated.
That stuff was That stuff was ours and I miss him-- Jess, look, it's a ball.
Oh, a little b-ball, huh? I'm actually pretty good.
I used to play with my mom.
[SlNGlNG.]
Defense, defense, watch out for the defense Sneaky, sneaky, wah-wah - You get used to her.
- Hey, Schmidt.
SCHMlDT: Oh.
NlCK: Oh.
Come on.
JESS: Oh.
WlNSTON: Wow.
JESS: Oh.
My bad.
[NlCK GROANS.]
I'm sorry, you guys.
- That was my TV, Jess.
- It's kind of all he had.
I'll get you a new one.
I just can't afford it right now.
If you don't mind, what's the plan? You don't know me like that, but I need a TV.
- Do you have a TV at Spencer's? - Yeah, I do.
- It's just really big and thin and bright.
- Go get it.
No, I can't call Spencer I haven't talked to him since he cheated on me with that ho.
Actually, that's not fair.
She might be a really nice ho.
I just don't wanna fight with Spencer.
I wanna be friends eventually.
Why do you wanna be friends with your ex? I don't wanna be friends with Caroline, and all she did was rip me open and tear out my heart with her perfect, perfect hands.
He has a power over me.
It's like he's a wizard and I'm his mage.
I think it's his hair.
He has this, like, really beautiful hair and whenever I see it, I get the whoo-whoos.
- Oh, my God, I hate my life.
- All right, guys.
Jess, look.
Jess, I know.
Closure.
Ouch.
- Right? - I don't know at all what you're saying.
- Okay, think about it.
- It's not that complicated.
- Just get the TV back.
- I need a TV.
It's important.
It's a television.
It's what brings all of-- Just get us the TV.
Okay, it's not a big deal.
I'll do it.
I'll call Spencer and I will talk to him and I will talk to him, so yay.
Yay.
[BLlND MELON'S "NO RAlN" PLAYlNG.]
Hi, Spencer.
All I can say Is that my life is pretty plain Hi, Jess-Jess.
Wow, I missed this place.
Mm, mm.
- How's your yogurt thing, Schmidt? - Oh, the parfait? It's parfait.
- Come on.
Don't.
- Oh, hello, you look beautiful today.
- And smart.
- Stop talking to me, Schmidt.
- So you're making all the calls now.
- Sure.
- This must mean you are the top dog.
- Yeah? Absolutely.
You know, I'm glad you guys think that, because, you know, I think that too.
One hundred percent.
When I moved out, obviously there was a power vacuum.
SCHMlDT: Mm-hm.
- Yeah, I needed a leader.
I didn't know which end was up.
No, Nick's a bottom.
You know what I mean.
Absolutely.
Say, Winston, do all top dogs need the biggest room or I don't know, is that kind of cheesy? Is it overkill? No, but I definitely see what you're saying though, definitely.
Every top dog is different, every top dog is different.
Hey, Schmidt, what kind of top dog are you? The kind with the big room.
I'm so glad we're talking.
Last time I saw you, you were so mad.
- How's, um? - Rochelle.
- Rochelle.
Fancy name.
- She's great.
- Rochelle, like a mermaid.
- Yeah.
Hello, I'm Rochelle.
I eat fish.
Yeah, we have a lot in common.
Obviously we both love bikes.
- I love bikes.
- Not enough.
Um Spencer, I need my stuff back.
My TV and all my winter clothes - and my plants.
- Of course.
I would have brought it today but I rode my bike here, you know, without the basket.
When would be a good time for me to come-- ? - It's so good to see you.
Shh.
- Spencer, I really need my-- I need something too.
[ON RADlO.]
This here's a jam for all the fellas Thanks for taking me to the airport, Jess.
Of course.
All you have is your bike, Rochelle.
[SlNGlNG.]
You want it, you got it You want it - Baby, you got it - Baby Just bust a move SPENCER & ROCHELLE: You want it Five-fifty for the TV? Seems a little steep.
I'm gonna write down a figure and this is as high as I'll go.
You drew a smiley face.
I'm a teacher.
Do it for the kids.
For the kids, 550.
I can't go home without a TV.
I thought pawnshops were about helping people.
And frankly, right now I feel taken advantage of.
And I just got out of a long relationship and I don't know what I'm doing emotionally or, let's be honest, sexually.
I'll just get out of here.
Are you trying to rob me? [MAN SPEAKlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY ON PHONE.]
- Hey, where's Winston at, man? - I think he's in his room, Schmidt.
You really think I'm top dog? - Yes.
- You think I'm head baller, shot caller? Yes, Schmidt, I feel that way.
See that, man? That's my new thumb ring.
How choice is that? Little skull.
It's so nectar.
- Did you just make up "nectar"? - No, it's a volleyball term.
What is Winston doing there? He can't hang out in there.
It's too small.
NlCK: What's up? SCHMlDT: Yo, what up, Cece? - Hey, are you all right? - I'm sorry, I didn't get the TV.
- What happened? - Ugh.
I'm a terrible roommate.
You guys told her to call Spencer? That is not your job.
- That is my job.
- All right, so, what happened? [SlGHS.]
- He needed a ride to the airport.
- What? - For his new girlfriend.
NlCK: Are you kidding me? I'm supposed to pick her up next Sunday.
- Oh, my God, Jess.
- What's wrong with me? I figured it out.
This guy's your kryptonite.
You need to stand up and you need to fight him.
I tried to fight him, but I can't, because I'm powerless.
You're not ready to let him go.
I think you know deep down, once you get your stuff back you know, it's "over" over.
I can't believe I'm actually gonna say this, but I agree with him.
No, you guys are wrong.
I really wanna move on.
- You gotta fight.
- All right, I wanna fight.
- And get mad.
- I wanna get mad.
All right, then do this.
Pretend this is Spencer's face.
Punch it.
Get him.
Go on, do it again.
Punch it like a man.
- Harder than that.
CECE: Come on, Jess.
- Come on Jess, you're angry.
Good.
CECE: Get angry.
Real angry.
NlCK: That's dancing.
That's punch dancing.
He broke your heart.
He did terrible things to you.
JESS: I'm mad! NlCK: Good.
CECE: There you go.
- I'm bad! - You're ready.
Get your stuff.
JESS: I'm gonna get my stuff! - Go get it! - Come on, Jess.
- I'm really mad! Gonna go get it! - Get your stuff! I'm gonna face the facts.
I'm gonna ask you guys right now to come with me.
Seriously, guys.
Because I can't carry everything alone, and I can't be alone.
[HEAVY-METAL MUSlC PLAYlNG ON STEREO.]
Yeah! Loud music! Loud.
It's loud.
- You are ruining my pre-game mix.
- What am I gonna say? - Hey, Spencer, give me my TV back.
- Hi, Spencer.
- Give me my TV back, buddy.
- Hey, No "buddy.
" - How about "jerk" or "idiot"? - Mr.
Crabs.
- Mr.
Crabs is an option.
- Your hand is on my leg.
- Oh, your hand's on my leg.
- No, it really isn't.
Classic he said, she said.
Okay, Jess, just pull over right here.
CECE: Whoa! NlCK: Come on.
What are you doing? JESS: Okay, you know what? Just one more shot.
One more time around, Jess, and then we're good.
You got this.
- Good.
SCHMlDT: Here we go.
- All right, you got this, Jess.
NlCK: Come on.
Come on.
Just one more time.
Gonna [SlGHS.]
NlCK: This is the time.
This is the time.
WlNSTON: This is the one.
One more shot.
One more shot.
Just one more.
Just one more.
- You know, I'm on to you.
- What do you mean? Okay, you told me that I'm top dog but secretly, you think you're top dog, all right? Now you're just trying to out-top-dog the top dog.
Can you take these doors off child-lock - so I can kill myself? - Men working.
Things are different now, man, all right? You're not top dog anymore.
I am.
You know what? You are absolutely correct.
You are the top dog.
Here.
What are you doing? There's no top dog crown.
Are you trying to make me look stupid? Look, man, this is about respect.
I'm a lot flyer than I used to be.
- Yeah, much flyer.
I respect you.
- No, you don't.
Because if you did, you would have told me that the small room is the top dog room.
[ON STEREO.]
Face to face [SlNGlNG.]
Just when [MUMBLlNG.]
Just when you thought Our chance had past What? I own this song.
You go and save the best for last ALL: Oh! What's happening? What's happening is that this is a great song.
CECE: I'll be out here if you need me, Jess.
[DOORBELL RlNGlNG.]
Jess-Jess.
That's the wizard? He's wearing a scrunchie.
WlNSTON: Looks like he juggles clubs on the beach.
Yeah, like he'd ever have a job.
Didn't you just kind of assume he'd have a handlebar mustache? Come on, Jess, just go in there and get that TV.
[SPENCER SlGHS.]
- I miss you, Jess.
CECE: Don't hug him back.
Ugh.
- Ugh.
SCHMlDT: Oh, that's not healthy.
- I told you to water the plants.
- Huh? Oh.
Oh, you know it's not my thing.
I told you to water the plants.
NlCK: Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
[JESS GRUNTlNG.]
NlCK: What is she doing? ALL: Oh! - Oh, what a mess.
[SCREAMS.]
JESS: I'm coming in! SPENCER: Jess, take your shoes off! We keep an Asian household.
Didn't see that coming.
SPENCER: What are you doing? - She gonna be okay in there? SPENCER: Put that down! No, come on, come on! Jess, wait! [CLATTERlNG AND CRASHlNG.]
Let's just talk about this, okay? Hold on.
No, that's mine.
You can't take that! Jess, hold up.
What are you doing? JESS: I got it! It's really heavy, but I got it! Oh, my God, we created a monster.
NlCK: She looks like Helena Bonham Carter.
SCHMlDT: Oh, gosh.
- Soft hands, Jess.
- Jess, come on, let's share it.
- You know, work out a system.
- Hey.
Hey, that's my shirt.
- No, this is my T-shirt.
- That is my shirt.
It has my name on it.
- Don't drop it.
Jess, don't CECE: Come on, everybody out now.
[GROUP YELLlNG.]
JESS: Give me my shirt! SPENCER: I like this shirt.
Hey, Jess, no, no, no, stop.
- Don't mind us.
We're just here for the TV.
SPENCER: Who are these guys? - They're my roommates.
- Cece, hi.
CECE: I'm gonna go in and get the rest of your stuff, Jess.
Wait, let's just talk about this, okay? You know, rap it out.
We can't rap it out.
We're not together.
It's not the same.
- Doesn't mean we can't talk.
- Nothing to talk about.
Give me my shirt back.
No, you gave this to me.
I wanna keep it.
- Give her her T-shirt, man.
- No, I don't want to.
And I gave her this hat.
I'm gonna take this back.
- This one? You want that? - Yeah.
Then I dare you, come take it off my head, pal.
I dare you.
- You guys look ridiculous.
- Look, give her the shirt back.
- I bet she worked hard on that jamboree.
JESS: Yeah, play on words.
- Jamboree.
Jam.
- Jam.
Girl made a lot of jam, Spence.
You know how time-consuming that can be? You need a jar funnel, a canner, some fresh fruit strawberries, raspberries, maybe a tayberry, maybe a ripe-- - No more fruit.
- You live with these people, Jess? Seriously? Stay here until you find a better place to live.
I don't like you, stretch.
I don't like anything about you.
- And I'm not afraid to-- - I got this.
I've got a place to live, Spence.
It's over.
I spent six years trying to figure you out.
All you are is a guy with really beautiful hair.
I'm happy you cheated on me.
Thank you, because if you hadn't, I would have married you.
And then you would have hurt me all over again.
And, yeah, I was scared to start over.
I didn't know what to do.
And, yeah, I'm living with three guys I met on the lnternet.
And, yeah, stranger danger is real.
But I love these guys.
I barely know them, I just met him, but I love them.
NlCK: I would just take it easy with the love stuff.
All of them.
Give her the shirt back, man.
- What happens if I say no? - You know what happens? Schmidt happens.
- Aah! What was on your hand? - Thumb ring, bitch! You got some Schmidt on your face.
You know what? Fine.
Here.
Take it.
- Keep the bell.
- What? I thought we were gonna handle this like adults, Jess.
Yeah, well, I thought you were the love of my life, so Suck it, Mr.
Crabs.
- You hit that guy.
- Whatevs.
You know.
[CHUCKLES.]
You know what? Maybe I didn't have respect for you before because if this is what respecting you feels like this is definitely not how I felt.
So you recognize.
Represent, what? Okay, look, I'm gonna be completely honest.
I've been messing with you.
It's just that I wanted my old room back.
You know, you're right.
I've been away a long time and things have changed here.
So I guess I kind of gotta get used to that.
You can keep the big room.
See, now you're just deep dogging me, man.
I'm not scared of your mind games.
I'm taking the small room, Winston.
- Schmidt, that's not what I mean-- - No.
Listen to what I mean.
You can double reverse dog me until the cows come home.
I'm not falling for it.
What do you take me for, some kind of idiot? [WHlSPERlNG.]
Yes.
- Can't believe I got all my stuff back.
- You did, but most of it's broken.
Yeah, it's broken, but, I don't know, it's mine.
Yeah, but it's broken.
Hey, look at that.
I think it's working.
- Oh, my God! - We got a TV again.
- It's a TV and it's working! NlCK: Hey, we got the TV back! All right.
You guys are awesome.
I'm gonna make you so much jam.
- Please, don't.
- Oh, we're gonna have a jam sess.
Absolutely not.
- Okay, what are we watching? - I have some DVDs.
Adventures in Babysitting, Prancer, Newsies, Curly Sue.
- I'm going out.
- Yeah.
Wait.
Where are you guys going? These are heartwarming films.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
- Curly Sue.
Let's do this.
- All right, let me go get it.