Night Court (2023) s01e02 Episode Script

1
First up, we have Mr. Turkel,
who's accused of attempted robbery.
Your Honor, the security-camera footage
clearly places the defendant
at the scene of the crime.
So, grainy footage that could
be either my client or Bigfoot?
Well, we don't even
need the camera footage
because we have an eyewitness.
Oh, sorry, Your Honor.
The witness could've seen anyone.
My client has an
undeniable, everyman look.
He could be mistaken for
anyone in this gallery.
Counselor, is your
defense just finding people
who look like your client?
What? Do they? Oh! Yes!
My God. They do.
Carmine, what are you doing here?
I got caught robbing this lady's store.
He's joking. The only thing my client
is guilty of is possession
of a razor-sharp wit.
- The defendant just confessed.
- Can we have the stenographer
read that back, please?
Oh, did you guys start?
Your Honor, I think we can
wrap this up pretty quickly.
Now, the prosecution is going to argue
that the evidence is incontrovertible.
And I will refute it, point by point,
successfully showing
that it's inadmissible.
The bailiff is gonna drop her keys
- Witch!
- and since it is
my client's first offense,
- you're obviously going to rule
- Guilty.
Damn it! Fine. Fine, fine.
Well, you got to admit, the
key thing was pretty good.
Especially the second time.
I don't understand this new
judge. Work is over.
Why does she want us to stick around?
Well, maybe she got us a present.
Maybe we can wear it. Ooh! Or eat it.
Maybe we can wear it, then eat it.
Chocolate jackets.
You know, if I were you,
I'd get used to this.
I worked with Abby's
father for a long time,
and in addition to being
an overenthusiastic judge,
he was an amateur magician.
His greatest trick was
to make my free time
outside of his courtroom
disappear.
10 bucks says it's an
inspirational speech.
Hey, everybody.
I have presents for you all.
But first, a speech.
When my dad sat in that
chair, he made every person
who walked through those
doors feel like they mattered,
and that's just what I want to do.
That's why I went out and got
us an awesome public defender.
When will they be getting here?
Oh, God.
And it was the inspiration
behind this present.
Water bottles with motivational quotes
to get you through the day.
- Night!
- "Made in China."
I do feel motivated.
I know there are problems here
that water bottles can't solve
the weird stain on the wall,
the thriving bird colony
that lives in the ceiling
I've got a whole list.
But there is nothing that can stop us
from making this place better
if we all work together as Nighthawks.
Oh, I'm not putting energy
into making this place better.
I'm trying to get out of here.
This isn't a job,
it's an escape room.
Come on. There's gotta be someone here
who wants to make some
big changes with me.
Neil! Thank you for volunteering.
I want you to pick anything
you want to improve out
this courtroom and go crazy.
Take a cue from Nikolai,
who's already hard at work
getting rid of those
pesky ceiling birds.
Oh, we don't have the
budget to get rid of them.
He's just throwing food up
there to satisfy the alphas.
Pepperoni's their favorite.
We're gonna fix that.
'Cause we're the Nighthawks!
- Ca-caw!
- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
Not while they're feeding.
Thanks. Hey, can I get your advice
on something, Gurgs?
I mean, I can tell it's a wig,
but I don't think anyone else can.
Here's my problem
I asked Dan to be our
public defender because,
based on the stories my dad told me,
I thought he had the potential
to be really good at it.
You were wrong about that.
Your daddy got you good.
I know. I just need a good
defense attorney to make this work.
I'm just worried if I push him too hard,
he's gonna go back to
his lonely existence.
Just a man, a freezer of loose meat,
and Target bag full of duck sauce.
Well, unless you can fit
all that on a water bottle,
you're gonna have to tell
him to his bearded face.
Whose bearded face?
You're gonna figure this out.
Just keep your wig on.
You wanted to see me?
Yes! Yeah. Thanks for stopping by.
First off, gotta say,
you are an amazing lawyer.
It is truly an honor
- What do you want?
- Okay, um
Well, you know how sometimes
- when someone is doing some things
- Faster.
You were a great prosecutor,
and I just noticed
that you might be hitting a rough patch
now that you're on the other side,
and I was wondering if
you might need any help
- in the transition.
- Not necessary.
I'm only here temporarily
until you find someone
to fill in permanently.
Okay, okay, just hear me out.
For a lot of people,
coming through night court
can be a major low point.
And I just think if we
show them some compassion,
we have the opportunity to
really turn their lives around.
Who knows? One of your clients could be
the next Bill Gates or Maya Angelou.
So, the guy busted for
stealing menthol cigarettes
and beef jerky could be
the next Maya Angelou?
You don't know what Maya got up to.
Okay, just look.
I am not here to be part
of anybody's project.
Hold on! Hold on! You're not a project.
I realize that you're
doing me a favor, but
is there any way you could do that favor
slightly differently-ish?
So you want me to act more
like a public defender.
- Yes.
- A sad, soup-eating,
outer-borough-living public defender.
If that's what you really
want, I can do that.
So you just get ready for
more public defending than
Faster!
Sounds better when you say it.
I was just waiting for
you to realize that.
This is bone white,
and this is ghost white.
That's not what ghosts look
like in my neighborhood.
So, this is your big change?
The boss gave you carte blanche
to do anything you wanted,
and that's what you did?
Shows how much you know.
This is carte blanche.
This opportunity is wasted on you.
It's not an opportunity,
Olivia, it's a curse.
I come here so I can do nothing.
And if you do nothing, you can't fail.
There are a million things
you can change around here.
Start with the stenographer.
I thought y'all were friends.
She's telling everyone
you're her emergency contact.
Oh, yeah, no, that's
only 'cause her last
three emergency contacts
mysteriously disappeared.
Wait. Should I be worried about that?
I would be.
You gotta keep a stenographer
on your good side.
Otherwise, they'll read back testimony
with just a tinge of disdain.
It could cost you a case.
But I'm just I'm so tired
of keeping up this relentless
Oh, hey, Maggie! Whoo!
Those pants are on you, girl.
Is that what you think
a friend sounds like?
Neil, I noticed the
paper, and I love it.
Want to see the first thing I printed?
Is that paper serious?
- The paper was a home run.
- And you know what?
Feel free, next time,
take an even bigger swing.
Big Swing Neil.
Probably after we do the court stuff.
Yeah, right, the court stuff.
Uh, okay.
Uh, next up, we have
uh, the People vs.,
uh, that guy.
Mr. Buchwald is charged
with indecent exposure
while urinating on a Starbucks.
Your Honor, the facts of
this case are not in dispute,
but this man this
beautiful human person man
deserves better.
If your loving father had died
in the bean fields of Colombia,
you would hate coffee, too.
You see a puddle of urine,
I see a puddle of tears shed
for the loss of a dear papa.
Sir, is any of this true?
Please, Your Honor, don't
make my client relive
a painful experience that happened
to millions of people
and possibly him.
Mr. Fielding, what are you doing?
I'm doing exactly what
you asked me to do.
I'm acting like a public defender.
I'm feeling for my client.
And I have so many feelings.
They're moving around inside my body.
Counselor, please approach the bench.
I like the sweater.
It really makes a statement, like,
"I told the judge I
was gonna do something
but then did as close
to nothing as possible."
This is not nothing.
Uh, this is me showing
that your idea of how
I should defend these clients
is no better than how I do it
because, basically,
they're all guilty anyway.
Mr. Buchwald, I, um
I notice this is your
first run-in with the law.
Also see here on your
intake forms you misspelled
a couple words.
You transposed your vowels a few times.
By any chance, are you dyslexic?
I am, Your Honor, but
it's my understanding
that's only a crime in Texas.
And does this condition
make it difficult to, say,
type in a bathroom security code?
Uh, objection the
judge is doing his job.
Court finds in favor of defense
on the basis of disability.
Case dismissed.
Good catch. We make a great team, huh?
Yeah, all right, fine, fine,
fine, you made your point.
Your Your approach could work, too.
But, you know, I'm not
that kind of lawyer.
I deal with evidence and precedent,
not feelings, emotions,
and "Mommy didn't hug me
enough so now I eat people."
See, you're giving up on yourself,
which makes you the perfect
person to represent people
- who are constantly given up on.
- Fine.
Fine. All right, fine, fine. I will try.
I will dig in. I will get to
know my clients as people.
Just like my water bottle
says, "You Can D It."
The "O" is already washed off.
FYI, you can't get these wet.
So, are we still on for this weekend?
This weeken This Can't.
Ugh, got my cousin's baby shower.
No, you don't. On October 8th,
I asked if you had anything
planned this weekend,
and you said it was your
cousin's baby shower.
But then, on the 12th, you
said it moved to my birthday
when I invited you to Medieval Times.
So that means that this
weekend, you are all mine.
Girls trip! Bus leaves at 5:00 a.m.
You have the memory of a serial killer.
In a fun way.
Let us talk about you
as a person, Howie.
Now, we know that you've been
dropping nets on your neighbors
because you believe them
to be "secret lizards."
But I want to get to know
the man behind the nets.
So how did we get here?
I believe the Constitution guarantees me
the right to a human attorney,
not a bug-eating lizard lawyer.
Okay.
Were you attacked by a
salamander when you were a kid?
D-Did your dad leave
your mom for a a gecko?
Paint me the science-fiction
country song that is your life.
Let me put this into
words you'll understand.
How am I supposed to get to know
these people when they
do stuff like that?
Don't take this the wrong
way, but nobody likes you.
You're too tall.
You think you're better than everybody.
You got a mean face.
There it is.
Hold on a second. You talk to people.
I mean, and they talk back to you.
You could talk to them
and report back to me.
What's in it for me?
Joy of getting to know
your fellow human beings.
- 20 bucks.
- $50.
Or I'll do it for free if
you can tell me my name.
Mm, you are getting 50 bucks.
Goodnight, everybody. I brought some
Oh. Ah. What's happening?
So, I took your advice
and made some big moves.
I decided, why wait
months for maintenance
to paint over the water stain
when Nikolai can do a
beautiful mural of your favorite
Supreme Court Justices in no time?
Nikolai's painting a mural?
Apparently, one of his paintings
was almost in the Getty Museum.
Ah, and why are they all
wearing baseball mitts?
I don't do hands.
And you hired a new stenographer?
Oh, that was my idea.
This is Blaine.
He types 250 words per minute,
has his own friends,
and he brought doughnuts.
So, any big swings on your end?
I brought doughnuts.
- As good as Blaine's?
- No.
I gotta say, you really
went for it with the changes.
And maybe you should've
run some of them by me,
but I'm proud of you, Neil.
Can you read that back, Blaine?
"I'm proud of you, Neil."
You didn't have to do that.
It felt like he needed it.
Where have you been?!
I needed a moment to
organize my notes. Here.
- What?
- Okay, so, greens are bad news,
yellows are good news.
And for your convenience,
I've arranged them
in order of juiciness.
I was expecting a folder.
What This is nonsense.
Counselor, everything okay?
Yes, Your Honor, just organizing my, um,
e-extensive research.
"Eats paper." What does that even mean?
- It's pretty self-explanatory.
- I hate you.
Okay. Next case People vs. Dargis.
Mr. Fielding, are you
prepared to defend your client?
Yes, Your Honor, so prepared.
I know all about this man.
We just shared a meal.
Your Honor, Mr. Dargis is charged with
disturbing the peace. He's
accused of dropping nets
on unsuspecting pedestrians
while shouting, and I quote,
"You ain't got not style, reptile."
Um, uh, Your Honor, before we
get into who threw what on whom,
I would like to talk about
my client as a person.
This man, he's, um um, he's
Two words. Um, he is not
gill tea.
Not guilty. How does that help?
What is going on?
Your Honor, he tried
to talk to his clients,
but he hated it so much,
he paid me to do it for him.
- Sorry. I'm under oath.
- Not under oath.
I asked you to do one
thing your job
- and you couldn't even try?
- You know what?
If you don't like what
I'm doing, just say so.
- I can leave. I don't need this.
- Yeah, you do.
Otherwise, you're back on your sad couch
with your freezer full of pity meat.
That was thank-you meat.
Yes! For helping people!
I know you can do this.
I don't know why you're fighting it.
I am not one of your
improvement projects,
which, by the way, none of them
will make any difference here.
Oh, yeah? Our new stenographer
is a huge improvement.
Blaine is getting all of this.
Please leave me out of this.
- Objection!
- Ooh.
Looks like one of your
huge improvement projects
just Johnny Walker-ed back in.
Maggie, Maggie, calm down.
I know it seems like
a bad day, but every
- Shut up!
- Okay.
- I'm here for him.
- She's the one you want.
It was her idea to fire you.
I thought we would get to
spend more time together.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, no. Girls trip! Whoo!
- That's a lie!
- Yeah.
Did you mean anything that
you said on October 12th
- at 5:47 p.m.?
- Okay, that's enough. Let's go.
Whoa! Look out!
She got a water bottle.
- Maggie, come on.
- Stop! No!
- Ohh!
- Ohh!
We destroyed their home, and
now they're coming for ours!
If it makes you feel any
better, your dad used to
make birds appear in this
courtroom all the time!
I think I recognize one of them!
Weird day. Definitely not the weirdest.
A whole bird flew in my mouth.
Well, that's your
fault for having a head
that looks like a birdhouse.
Beak to butt, that thing was in there.
You know, even though
there's an argument to be made
that this is all her fault,
I can't help but feeling
a little bad for Abby.
But she's got to learn,
as long as she's here,
there are gonna be a lot of
disappointments in her future.
You know what?
At least I'm helping her
realize that by being her first,
because whatever it is
she thinks she sees in me,
- not there.
- I hear you, man.
And I know a thing or two about
seeing things that aren't there.
There are days I feel like
maybe my stepdad is right
and I should just hang up my lizard nets
and do sex stuff with hotties.
But then I think, do I want
my smoking-hot grandkids
living in a world that's
riddled with lizards?
Wait. Was that what I thought it was?
Yeah. A client just opened up to you.
Y'all made a real connection!
Like Neil and that bird.
If that's your resignation, you
could just leave it right there.
This doesn't have to be awkward.
Or maybe it does. I don't know.
I've never gotten into a
fight with an old friend
of my father's in front of a room
full of people during a pigeon storm.
This is Phil Clemens.
He was arrested for performing
non-consensual haircuts.
But that was only because
his niece has alopecia
and he wanted to create a wig for her.
He complimented your hair, by the way,
so I'd keep my back to
the wall if he's around.
This is Rosa Rosenberg.
She was arrested for
carrying a concealed weapon,
but it is a completely non-functional
emotional-support gun.
Reminds her of her father.
His name was Colt.
He died at 45.
So you connected with your clients?
There's one more.
This is Dan Fielding.
He can be a bit of a prick,
but he's smart enough to realize
that having someone around
who can see the best in people
is probably a good thing.
We had that type here once before.
And it seems, to him,
that it's a good thing to
try and help that person.
It couldn't be the very, very
worst way to spend his time.
Dan, you'll be a
great public defender ♪
You're gonna be here forever ♪
Don't sing sentences.
And I'm still just here temporarily.
But now that I am the whole package,
New York is gonna have to brace itself
for the number of criminals
I am gonna set free.
Not exactly what I had in mind
but enough to cross "Fix Dan"
- off my list.
- I knew I was on there!
You're on there like four more times.
So, the Getty Museum Nikolai
almost had his painting in
wasn't the famous one in L.A., it was
It was The Estelle Getty
Museum in Miami, Florida.
Apparently, Nikolai
learned American painting
from watching "Golden Girls" reruns,
and that's all he can paint.
I might not be a big-swing guy.
I appreciate you trying.
I know it probably doesn't feel
like it right at this moment,
but I really believe
we're on the right track.
People are starting to buy in.
And at least you made
one big improvement
you got the birds out of the ceiling.
They're finally gone.
They're not gone.
They're just waiting.
But next time, I will be ready.
Hey, shouldn't he be cleaning this up?
Are you gonna tell him?
- Nope.
- Yeah.