Nip/Tuck s01e02 Episode Script

Previously on Nip / Tuck: This is a business.
A very good business that is on the verge of setting us up for life.
Maybe I don't want to be in this business anymore.
We didn't give you a circumcision because you were six weeks premature.
Just give me something that I need.
I'm not one of your patients, Sean! I'm your wife! And on your watch, a death has occurred, the death of you and me.
- How's the sensitivity? - Fine.
Your partner didn't go back to your office.
Where did he go? We have to go to the police.
No.
I am not going down for this.
What do we do? I think we should hire a full-time psychologist to screen better.
And I want 20% of our client base to be pro bono from now on.
Dr.
McNamara, you wanted to see me? Dr.
Pendleton, please put on your mask.
Sorry.
I haven't been in too many surgeries.
That's exactly the reason I thought you'd like to observe today.
It's vital you know the risks and rewards of our procedures if you're going to counsel our patients.
Are we doing a breast augmentation today? Actually, we're correcting one.
Jesus, she looks like Murray Feltman.
This patient received C implants a month ago.
Before the gels could set properly her abusive boyfriend pushed her against a wall so hard that the implant ruptured through the capsular wall.
We're repairing the damage and the capsular wall pro bono.
Liz, how deep's the patient? It's Marie, and she's ready when you are.
Sorry.
Liz was our previous anesthesiologist.
We begin by cutting into the nipple.
Oh, shit! - Good hire, Sean.
- What's wrong? Other than the new mandate that all patients have to be psychologically screened and approved by both of us? I have a consult in my office.
Step in when you're finished.
Miss Dante, tell me what you don't like about yourself.
It's not that I don't like myself.
I just don't want to look like her anymore.
Yeah, and I don't want to look like her, either.
See, we've made this agreement.
- I want to change my face.
- And I want to change my body.
We were thinking it would be so great if one of us could wear a miniskirt and not feel self-conscious about our chicken legs.
So I'd like bigger calves, and I'd also like to go up to a C cup.
And I was thinking that maybe I could have her ears 'cause they don't stick out like ours do, see? See? And I like her nose.
That is Jennifer Garner.
- She kicks ass! - She so kicks ass! I tore that picture out of teen Vogue magazine so you guys could copy it.
Miss Dante, Miss Dante, I'd like you to come back later in the week and meet Dr.
Pendleton, our on-site psychologist.
Interestingly enough, Mandi and Randi have already given me the contact information of their own psychologist.
Yeah, and she's completely cool with the fact that we're sick and tired of going through our lives being mistaken for each other.
Even our own father can't even tell us apart.
They are going to the University of Miami in the fall and they believe that now is the perfect time for them to establish their own singular identities.
Not to play devil's advocate, but have you tried less drastic measures? For instance, maybe styling your hair differently.
Didn't work.
I mean, people still confuse me with Randi.
We even went as far as to get tattoos.
And they were pretty much worthless.
Why were they worthless? We realized that people could only use them to tell us apart if we're naked.
God, it's good to be back! Heads up.
- What's this? - It's a prophylactic, Matt.
Yeah, I know what it is, Dad.
Why did you give it to me? You're worried about your girl's reaction to your foreskin in the first time, right? You responsibly slip this on when that time comes she won't even know.
Once you get your sea legs, you can be confident enough to initiate a conversation about what foreskin is and how it really won't affect her pleasure.
- How does it look now? - Hey, that looks great.
Just want to write something on the top.
- Good morning.
- Morning.
What are you guys drawing over there? It's so we can find Frisky.
Don't worry, honey, he'll show up.
Jules, that smell is terrible.
We gotta get a plumber out here to fix the toilet.
It's the entire septic system.
It's completely backed up.
Can you get someone out here this week? Sure, Sean.
Can you pick up the dry cleaning today? Sure.
Are you getting the jump on Easter, Jules? I'm starting a new business with Suzanne.
- Crazy Suzanne? - Creative Suzanne.
What kind of business? They're gift baskets for women, and they're very popular right now.
There's a real market for them.
Well, Jules, I think that's great.
You can work out of the home and be with the kids.
That's great.
I can go back to school and be with the kids, too, Sean.
My priorities aren't changing that greatly.
Christ! God, this is ridiculous.
Why don't you guys just go to marriage counseling? Because marital counseling never works.
It's just a way for people to figure out how to break up.
You're helping no one by doing what you're doing.
Stop dealing in stupid half-measures and either shit or get off the pot.
He said the "brown" word.
Yeah, I did.
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
I haven't seen you here in a while, Christian.
You look like an albino.
I had a work-related injury.
But now I'm back on my game and resuming my regular activities.
Can I interest you in our mystique tan today? Just a regular bed for me, sweetheart.
I'm a traditionalist.
How about some tanning accelerator lotion, then? Well, Janelle that all depends.
Does it come with an application? Don't worry.
I'll turn you over when the timer goes off.
- Too early in the morning for you, baby? - Help me out a little.
Christian, can you help me out here? I'm getting lockjaw.
Dr.
Santiago, how long have you been treating the Dante sisters? Three years, at the Miami free clinic.
I'm the director there.
I think physical change is a last resort, but in their case, it's a necessary one.
How so? Last year, they both lost their virginity to the same person a 40-year-old fetishist they met in a twins chat room who promised to love them both equally, and he did.
They felt like shit about it, and they decided that they wanted to be different and not interchangeable.
Half-measures have ceased to work.
So you don't believe in half-measures? I believe in committing fully to change.
It's the commitment that brings constructive results.
If Mandi and Randi can look in the mirror and see singular reflection only then are they going to be able to view themselves as whole and not halves.
I'm still debating.
Go ahead.
- I'll have the sea bass and a Pellegrino.
- All right.
And I'll have a hamburger, fries, and a margarita.
You got it.
You know what? I'll have what she's having.
- Sure.
- I don't have any surgeries this afternoon.
- One margarita will be fine.
You? - I need to drink.
I have an ADD patient right after this who spends half the session lining up the Kleenex box just so, and the remaining 20 minutes recounting how he obsessively thinks about me while he's masturbating.
You must get that a lot.
Attention Deficit Disorder patients.
I want to try it.
Okay.
Where are you going? I was gonna get a condom.
I want to see it first.
Okay.
Yeah, sure.
It looks like a Shar-Pei.
Are you part Arab or something? No.
Does it turn you off that I'm not circumcised? No, not at all.
Maybe we should just make out today.
This isn't your father's coffeepot.
It actually grinds the beans in the machine.
It's amazing what you can afford when you nix a steam room and put that money towards something more practical.
That cost more than my car.
What a perk it would've been to hang out in here and have a double macchiato in between tit jobs.
A macchiato, you say? Sean, why did you ask me here today? To make you an offer.
If you come back, I'll double your salary.
That sounds like hush money, Sean.
You're an invaluable part of the team.
You're the best anesthesiologist I've ever worked with.
And as an additional bonus I'll throw in something you've always wanted: Complete health benefits for your partner, Jean.
Jan.
I can't work this goddamn thing.
I'll do it.
Jan and I broke up.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm not.
For 15 years, I put up with her pot smoking and her cynicism and finally, two weeks ago I just said, "Honey, I love you, but I am not in love with you.
" What got into you? Someone pushed a gun into my temple.
You might remember that moment, Sean.
You were there.
I've never really apologized for putting you in that situation, Liz.
No, you didn't.
I'm sorry.
It's all right, Sean.
Actually, it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
A shift has happened in me.
I can feel it.
I broke up with Jan because I want to be in love deeply.
I sold my condo.
I'm moving to the beach 'cause that's always what I've wanted and I figured, "What are you waiting for?" What happened that night got me thinking.
What if I can't put off stuff until tomorrow because I don't get another tomorrow? I felt similarly.
What happened really changed my outlook.
Yeah.
Well, there's a big difference between changing your outlook and changing your life, Sean.
Where are you gonna stay? A hotel for tonight, and then I don't know.
This is so typical of you, Sean.
You don't even show me the respect you show a patient.
At least with a patient, you tell them what the diagnosis is before you operate.
Let's just cut the shit, Julia, starting right now.
You want out of this marriage.
If you didn't, you'd fight for us.
But instead, all you do is fight with me.
Fighting denotes communication, which you don't do! We've talked in circles.
I'm dizzy from it.
I have no perspective anymore.
You're a goddamn hypocrite.
And I am miserable with you! And you are miserable with me, and the big difference is, let's just say it you're content in your misery, Julia.
I'd rather separate and try and figure out a way to make us connect again.
We have to change this, or we die on the vine.
And if you're too paralyzed to take any action, I will.
What about the kids? I'm not abdicating my role as a father.
- Of course I'll see them.
- For one hour a week, like you do now? Don't I get a say in any of this? You do get a say.
Say you're still in love with me, and I'll stay.
Have you ever done twins? Mother and daughter once, but never twins.
I left last night.
I left my family.
I swore I wouldn't turn into my asshole of a father, and God help me.
How did Julia take it? She's hurt, angry, afraid.
You gonna get a divorce, or is this just another separation? I just want to feel something again.
Hey, celebrate, you dumb mick.
You're a single doctor now.
Translation: ass galore.
I can't just turn into you, Christian.
I'm not that guy.
Now's your chance.
Welcome back.
At double the salary, how could a lady refuse? I'll do facial, you do bodywork? Scalpel.
Is it fixed? No, it's a wicked, big clog.
I had to run out and get a bigger snake.
Don't be embarrassed, Julia.
Joe used to clog up the toilet, too, and leave it for me to fix.
It's not until they leave that you realize how much you've settled.
I'm sorry, Suzanne.
Why are we putting these eye masks in our baskets? You get a hot flash.
You pop it out of the fridge and onto your eyes.
Menopausal women will love them.
- Mrs.
McNamara.
- Yeah? I fixed your clog and I found this.
What's she gonna do with a turd, bronze it? Jesus! It's a gerbil.
My daughter has one.
Annie lost her gerbil, right? I saw the sign outside.
Poor Frisky! It must've climbed up and fallen in.
No, that's impossible.
Gerbils can't climb porcelain.
There's no traction for their claws.
Somebody threw this in.
I saw a boy's bike outside the house.
You have a teenage son, isn't that right, Mrs.
McNamara? I don't want to freak you out about this but they say Ted Bundy started out this way.
Torturing small animals.
Oh, my God.
Matt.
My son didn't do it.
I did.
You accidentally ran it over when you were vacuuming or something, right? And you didn't want Annie to know.
See, that explains it.
It wasn't an accident.
There'll be no charge.
I don't want your money.
What kind of mother are you? Why won't you give me the circumcision? He doesn't even have to know.
Carving up your dick is a little more telltale than buying you a six-pack on the sly.
Hi, I'll have a Dewar's straight up.
He'll have a Coke.
I'll have the Dewar's, sweetheart.
Thank you.
Besides, I'm of the opinion that your father's right about this one.
You don't need a circumcision.
If you guys won't help me, I'll go to another surgeon.
Who will operate without a signed parental consent form.
Good luck.
The problem isn't your dick, Matty.
It's your confidence.
You were timid and embarrassed.
She saw that and it turned her off.
Thanks.
Why are we here? Because we are gonna work on the confidence part.
- You're kidding me, right? - Au contraire, my little Virginator.
I've arranged for you to just get it out of the way.
A bang under your belt, and I believe you'll be able to bicycle over to Vanessa's place grab that peachy ass, and show her how it's done with no fear.
Girls don't care if you have a two-inch pecker a hairy ass, or balls like cranberries.
What they care about is that you know what you're doing.
- So, which girl? - Behind me, on the stairs.
Her name's Avanti.
Rumor has it she can suck the peel off an apple.
I feel entirely creepy about paying someone to pretend they like me.
No.
Hey, besides, man, I'm not gonna cheat on Vanessa.
I love her.
Haven't you ever had that? Once.
Hey, papi.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Yeah, thank you but, no.
No, thank you.
Fair enough.
If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go upstairs and pay someone to pretend they like me.
What's wrong, baby? You like boys? I think you like boys.
I think you like boys.
Come on, baby, why can't you get caliente? Because you've got a carved face, and in my estimation that's the worst tit job I've ever seen.
Here's my business card.
You want to look like a woman instead of a carnival freak, call me.
Mr.
Brancato, I've invited our psychologist, Dr.
Pendleton to sit in on our consultation.
Mr.
Brancato, tell me what you don't like about yourself.
It's my dick.
I hate my dick.
You feel it's inadequate? Would you like to show us? It looked like one of those summer blood sausages you get in the Hickory Farms Christmas gift sampler baskets.
How many enlargement surgeries has this guy been through? Five.
He wants us to harvest fat from his glutes and inject it into his shaft.
If he can't go longer, he'll go wider.
Dr.
McNamara, I take issue with your condescending tone.
Mr.
Brancato's not to be pitied.
Are you saying you're for giving him the operation? - That wouldn't be my recommendation.
- Why, Sean? Because you find it personally disturbing? Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you hire Dr.
Pendleton to make recommendations based on psychological profiling? That's what he's doing.
Dr.
Pendleton, as you were saying With every operation, as his penis becomes larger Mr.
Brancato takes a personal risk.
If he needs a self-esteem boost to actually make a positive change in his life, I say we give it to him.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go for a jog and let my miso dressing set for an hour.
Dr.
Pendleton, I'd like to join you, if you don't mind.
That would be nice.
Thank you.
I'll catch up.
If you have issue with something I do or say take it up with me privately.
Not in front of our staff.
Absolutely.
And likewise, I'd appreciate it if you could send me a memo notifying me of staff salary increases.
If calling Mr.
Brancato and scheduling surgery is too distasteful for you I'm happy to do it.
You agreed we needed to rethink our ethical philosophy here.
I'm doing that.
I'm fine with hiring a shrink and doing pro bono as long as we take on other cases to finance your sainthood.
I'm playing your game.
Once in a while, throw me the goddamn ball.
Really? So, you're telling me you couldn't even get it up for some hot geisha gash like that? My urologist says it's psychological.
I'm sorry.
I feel like we're crossing the professional line here.
You're my employer.
That's right.
I pay your salary.
So give me my money's worth.
I think I know why this is happening.
I just don't know how to fix it.
Recently, a married woman threw herself at my jock.
I passed but since then I find myself thinking about her when I'm with someone else.
She's mentally stalking me.
The problem is further complicated as she's the wife of one of my friends.
Quod me nutrit me destruit.
Sorry, I was never an altar boy.
It's Latin for "that which nourishes me, destroys me.
" You have two choices.
You can destroy your friendship and nourish your sexual appetite by banging the horny housewife.
Or, you can nourish your friendship and destroy the sexual fantasy by rejecting her.
And once you choose, once you're firm that feeling will be reciprocated in your Dockers.
That'll be $150, and I'm not available the entire month of August.
Three sugars, right? I don't drink coffee.
Three sugars in your iced tea.
Now I remember.
I'll get some.
Does Sean know you're stopping by? No.
Should we call him and tell him? Thanks.
Look, about the other day my exam was unprofessional, and I apologize.
Don't.
You saved me from an excruciating operation.
I'm the one who should be sorry for not calling you when you were sick.
- The Bell's palsy thing? - Right.
A few weeks of antivirals later, I'm back on my game.
And a legion of thong-wearing cocktail waitresses rejoice.
Sorry.
Hey, it's okay.
- You were married almost 16 years.
- No.
I'm not crying about him.
They kicked me out.
Who? The mothers in my kindergarten carpool.
Suzanne told them what had happened, and then they said they felt nervous about trusting their kids' safety to a murderer.
- Back up.
Who got killed? - Frisky.
- Frisky, the gerbil? - Yes! I don't know.
It just kept shitting, and I felt overwhelmed, and I flushed him.
I'm a terrible person.
You're not a terrible person.
I just think you make bad, if understandable, choices sometimes.
You have a history of that.
Come on.
Drink my tea and sit with me.
What happened to the girl I knew, the most confident thing I ever saw? Who was, and is, by the way, going back to medical school? Who used to sing at the top of her lungs to Fleetwood Mac even though she was tone deaf? Who made me forget there was ever another girl in the room? I miss us the way we used to be.
Then let's fix that.
Tomorrow.
My place.
We'll grill steaks and get shitfaced on merlot.
Okay.
You're still in there.
I see you even if you don't.
Shit.
I gotta go check on a couple of patients.
Are you Hard? Yeah.
We'll pick this up tomorrow night.
Hello! Hey, Matt.
I was wondering if you were free for lunch tomorrow? I'll pick you up at school.
We can go to Joe Stonecrab's.
You like that place, right? Tomorrow's no good for me, Dad.
Okay, how about Friday? I need to talk to you about what's happening to our family, Matt.
We don't need to play catch-up.
I get it.
You and Mom can't stand each other anymore.
You bailed.
We'll talk later, okay? I gotta study.
He didn't notice me.
Who didn't notice you? The male nurse.
When he came in, he didn't even look at me! She's prettier than me now.
She's prettier! You misunderstood, sweetheart.
I'm Mandi! Don't call me sweetheart because you can't remember my name! We just wanna go back to the way we were.
And we wanna be treated the same.
Please help us.
Please.
This is Matt.
He's 16, going on 40.
And this is Annie.
She's seven.
Is your son the mailman's? Yeah, we laugh about that.
My wife, who I'm separated from is Black Irish on her father's side.
My daughter looks like her, too.
Actually, she looks a lot like you.
She's beautiful.
This really wasn't necessary.
This place is expensive.
You helped me a lot with the Dante twins.
It's the least I could do.
Actually I hope to do it again.
I'd like that.
What are you doing? Did I read something wrong here? I thought there was an attraction thing going on.
Interesting, because I thought we were being professionals.
Did you think that I kept meeting with you because I wanted to get laid? I thought you respected me.
I do.
No.
Apparently, you don't.
I actually thought these second opinions could lead to better work.
Most people, they get paid for their consultations.
Please don't.
If my share is more than that, bill me.
When are you gonna start dating again? Dating? I'm not dating.
Who's dating? Corpse isn't even cold.
Believe me, I understand change is hard.
Sometimes you just need a strong jolt to move forward.
By jolt you mean shock? Yes.
Like finding out that Julia is dating again.
Maybe that would make it easier for you to get back on the horse.
- Would you like to know if she is? - Is she? How would I know? I haven't talked to her.
I'm just musing, theoretically.
No, I don't want to know if she is dating.
I can honestly say that would kill me.
- Dr.
McNamara, congratulations! - For what? For operating on Joe Brancato and admitting your mistake.
Taking ownership of personal error is the first step toward healthy growth and change.
Good job, buddy.
Dr.
Pendleton you're fired.
You look spiffy.
- Where're you off to tonight? - I have a business dinner with Suzanne.
I should be back by 10:00.
Dinner is in the fridge.
Heat it up for five minutes at 350°.
And, Matt, don't show Annie The Exorcist again.
She needs to know that evil exists.
Okay.
I know your dad and I separating really sucks for you.
I'm sorry we didn't do this better.
Hey, Mom.
Do you have any cuticle scissors? - Why do you need those? - Why do you think? I have a hangnail.
Upstairs bathroom.
Third drawer on the right.
I've been waiting for an hour.
Why didn't the guard let me in? I've had stalkers before, but they were patients, not fellow doctors.
That guy, last night, that wasn't me.
I haven't had a date since Reagan was in office.
- I'm bad at it.
- What do you want? To tell you how sorry I am.
It won't happen again.
I don't want your apologies.
Then how about a job? - Hi.
- Hi.
I thought we said 7:30.
Did you think it was easy for me to come here? What did you think you were coming over here for? I'm sorry you had to catch me in the middle of a Doublemint moment there.
But let's not fool ourselves.
That's who I am.
Always will be.
You want a regular Friday-night date and a father for your kids stay with Sean.
When did you become so cruel? - What are you doing? - I'm moving back in.
Might not be able to change me, but I can change me in this marriage.
I realized I'm not a single guy who wants a new life.
I'm a married man who wants to fix this family.
That's what I'm gonna do.
I don't want a fix.
I want you out! I want you to take your pettiness, and your control issues and your sad, lonely midlife crisis, and get out of my house! And notice, I said "my house," Sean.
Because I'm not selling it and splitting the difference when we get a divorce.
This is not California, buddy.
I put you through medical school and this is all I have to show for it.
- You want a divorce? - Yeah! You should be happy, Sean.
You'll be legally free to screw every hot 20-year-old that waltzes through your office.
How it must kill you that Christian gets the pick of the litter.
- Hey, calm down.
- Let go of me! - I don't wanna screw around.
- Yeah? Well, maybe I do.
You always were a lousy lay, Sean.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
You're either a liar or a very good actress.
I know your body.
I always have.
I know right where you live and breathe.
Then why haven't I had an orgasm in two years? Because I didn't wanna work that hard.
Right there.
That's where you like it, isn't it? Hey.
How's it going? You've logged on to Joey's Self-Circumcision web page a guide for guys like me who have a foreskin problem and are too embarrassed to have their doctor do the duty.
First things first, guys.
Relax.
A shaking hand means you could slip.
I took a mild muscle relaxant.
But other guys I know have fared well on a glass of red wine.
Be smooth and confident.
Your surgical tools have to be sharpened to razor sharpness.
When you do this, the cuts are virtually painless and bleed very little.
I didn't use ice or anything.
There was no need.
For the first cut, grip the foreskin and pull it out.
Cut in a circular motion, removing a thin quarter-inch strip.