No Activity (2015) s01e02 Episode Script
Two Vomits
1 HENDY: Car 72, no activity.
You always keep your fingernails this long? - Yeah.
Why? - Doesn't that drive you crazy? No, I got lady fingernails.
Yeah, why, though? Well, they match my my fingers.
I've got piano fingers.
I didn't know you could play the piano.
- Oh, yeah.
- Really? Yeah, I could.
I mean, I don't, but, you know, it's genetic.
- If I wanted to, I could.
- Shut up.
Here it is.
NEWSREADER: A man was shot at close range in the CBD last night by an unknown assailant.
That's you.
The victim, in his 50s, was rushed to nearby That's right.
Shot him.
Police are still yet to release a statement, but a witness did report an elderly man - Elderly.
High five.
- Fleeing the scene.
- More news in an hour.
- No.
Get out.
I'm 48 years old.
No one teach you to high-five, Gramps? - 48's the new 75.
- What are you talking about? That's normally the other way around.
- But for you, it's the reverse.
- Yeah.
You know, witnesses don't know what they see.
I agree with the eyewitness.
I saw you running to the car.
As stressed as I was in the whole situation, I couldn't help but stifle a laugh.
I thought, "Why has he chosen this moment to do a funny walk?" I wasn't doing a funny walk.
I was running inconspicuously.
Well, you have a very uneven gait.
Yeah, you were inconspicuous.
For a retiree.
- I was walking quickly.
- On his way to bingo.
With a catheter strapped to his leg.
Be right at home there.
I'll have you know that I have a massive gait.
I actually had a physio once tell me I have hyper-extendable hips.
- Yeah, back in the '40s? - Don't.
Look, I'll show you.
- Can you do that? - That means no I've got the steering wheel.
That means nothing.
Let me see you on the ground.
Just walk back - The reas - Give us a run to the bollard.
I could run to that bollard and back before you could say, "Lickety-dick-split.
" - Do it.
I'll time you.
- All right, I'll run over there.
- You see, now I'm warmed up.
- Yeah, okay.
See, before I wasn't.
I'll go.
You ready? You time it.
Yeah, I'll time it.
Wait, wait.
Hang on.
Get to the 12.
Hang on.
And go! - [SIGHS.]
It's cold.
- Yeah, I know.
It's all right.
- It's all right.
- Don't touch me.
Have a little nap.
I'll take this watch.
- You have a little nap.
- Don't patronise me.
You're a bit grumpy.
That's all.
And sleepy.
- I'll shoot you in the face.
- Will you? Gah, gah, gah, splash! Huh? Swallow that age.
- Tastes like wisdom.
- Tastes like cobwebs.
[GRUMBLES.]
[THEME SONG.]
Out here on my own Why's it always take so long? I'm ready for the moment Forget about the future I'm ready for the pressure to blow.
[RATTLING.]
MAN OVER RADIO: Attention, all units.
Looks like our dockside tip-off is good.
Associates suspected of awaiting delivery in an unmarked shipping container.
- [RADIO PIPS.]
- [MECHANICAL WHIRRING.]
- [DRONE WHIRRS.]
- Huh? [WHIRRING STOPS.]
You know I'm better than this, yeah? Fuck.
What is this shit? - You know I'm the boss's nephew, yeah? - Yeah.
- Yeah, I'm like one up from you.
- Uh-huh.
- I'm higher in rank.
- Yeah.
Bullshit.
Hanging around with you and your bloody bung-eyed sadness.
What are you? What's wrong? Are you sad? Are you sad? - I am sad.
- I know.
You look sad.
- Don't be sad.
- I am.
Don't.
You don't have to be sad.
Talk it through.
- My best mate's in hospital.
- Fuck.
And his life's hanging on a thread.
Yeah.
There's been an attempted assassination by some old, old man.
- Soon to be a dead old man.
- Yeah.
Painting my nanna's at the moment.
- Do you love your nanna? - Yeah.
Well, I didn't know her very well, but I've seen pictures.
- Do you love the pictures? - Yeah.
It's weird, isn't it? You don't know your nanna, but you can love the memory of your nanna.
Yeah.
You ever had a nanna wank? What? You get confused.
It can turn into Like, any moment can turn sexual, you know? Are you circumcised? What kind of question's that? STOKES: Car 72.
No activity.
APRIL: Copy that.
No activity.
If I flatter a woman, is that sexual harassment now? - Mmmm.
- Is that It is if she's not interested in you.
- What if - G'day, this is Jake.
From Port Pamibula Security.
Yes, Jacob.
Uh, I remember you from three minutes ago.
Just wanted to report that there seems to be, uh, an unusual gathering of seagulls.
There's no need to panic regards species, but this is definitely out of the ordinary vis-a-vis the number.
I don't think I've seen - Hold on.
- [FAINT SEAGULL SQUAWKING.]
Nuh.
Yep.
Now there's, like Six more have just landed.
This is a properly unusual gathering of seagulls here on the on the eastern dock there.
Would you like me to go investigate, over? Hey, Jacob, remember when we first got here and we told you to pretend we're not here and go about your work, over? Yeah.
I said, "Come and have a cup of tea.
" And you guys were like, "Nah, we're busy.
" HENDY: Yeah, yeah, we are busy.
And we said, you know, just to go about your work and just pretend we're not here.
Yep.
Yep.
Yep.
Copy that.
Um uh, you also stipulated I remember I wrote it down.
Um, you said, "Report anything out of the ordinary.
" Yes, a flock of seagulls probably doesn't meet that, uh, prerequisite.
Let's just keep the airwaves clear.
Thanks, Jacob.
All right, seagulls are on the list.
Strange whistling sounds and seagulls.
HENDY: Yes, because, remember, strange whistling sounds was the wind, we decided, didn't we? Yeah.
Probably.
We'll talk soon.
Let's, um Let's get this done.
Let's get let's wrap this up.
All right.
Over and out.
Till next time.
Told you we shouldn't have told them.
- [SHIP HORN SOUNDS.]
- Mmmmm.
Mmmmm.
That was the octave.
Mm, it was, yeah.
JACOB: Guys, are you still there? Yeah, Jacob here from Port Security.
Just letting you know those seagulls have They've all moved on now.
Pretty much dispersed.
80% of 'em gone.
All right, Jacob.
Thanks, mate.
You keep up the good work.
Don't thank him.
Don't thank him for anything.
- Why? - You're encouraging him.
WOMAN: Confirming the shipment has entered Australian waters carrying the target, concealed inside the coffee crates.
Shouldn't be too long now.
[SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE.]
So what made you choose Dispatch? - Oh, you don't you don't know? - No.
There was an an an incident which required me to be placed elsewhere in the force.
Oh, shit.
It was with a taser actually.
What? Were you injured? APRIL: What happened in the end is that I tasered a man and he passed away.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Um, what sort of weapon did he have? I don't think he had a weapon.
It was more just like a really bad attitude and he was a man.
And I just don't think he took me seriously.
They were trying to regenerate some of the grass in the area.
It was just my job to go, "Yeah, please take the path.
" So it came to a head because I was saying, "Sir, can you please walk around?" And he He was like, "No, fuck off.
I'm" I mean, he probably didn't even say, "Fuck off.
" I can't actually remember, but his energy was all He started coming towards me, and he was kind of So that I think that's the point when I got out the taser and I just said, "Sir, stand back.
" "Do not touch this grass.
Do not step a foot on it.
" And he said, "What are you gonna do, throw your lipstick at me?" And I said, "That's it.
" And then I tasered him.
And I [STAMMERS.]
I don't know why, but I just held on the button.
Because I wanted to be so sure that I wasn't gonna come up against him again.
And so then I let it go and then he was unresponsive.
But it was just one of those days.
It's like, don't You know those days, Carol.
It's like, "Don't push me.
" It's certainly a day that you won't forget.
My fiancé left me that day, so I will not be forgetting that any time soon.
- Because of the tasering? - No.
No.
It was, uh Actually no.
He left me that morning.
He told me that he'd been having an affair that morning and, um, so we ended it and then a couple of hours later I mean, the tasering was unrelated.
It was an unrelated event.
It was unrelated.
Come on.
I'm not telling you whether I'm circumcised or not.
Share and share alike.
Look, there's no hard and fast rules to circumcision.
Just tell me.
- Yes, I'm circumcised.
- I knew it.
How? Just a vibe.
- Yeah.
- Are you circumcised? - I dunno.
- How don't you know? I just don't know.
I've never really Never really looked into it, kind of thing.
Well, have you got a bell end, have you got a knob end? Or have you got a foreskin? - I don't - Have you got a helmet there? Or is there a bit a bit of skin covering your helmet? Like a sausage? Like the end of a sausage? It's just, like, um It's kind of in between, I guess.
Didn't you talk to your mum about it? Have you ever spoken to a doctor? My mum's not a doctor.
Maybe, um, you could give us a look? Let me know what's going on down there.
I'm not showing you my dick.
Look at mine.
Just tell me what's going on.
I'm not looking at your dick.
Just give us a little look.
I'm not gonna look at your cock, mate.
- I'll then leave you alone.
- I'm not looking at your dick.
We can make this a thing that will go on all bloody night then.
Help a mate out.
I'm your boss.
You technically have to do it.
Please.
Please, man, please.
I've always wondered.
Please.
It'd mean a lot to me, yeah? I didn't grow up with brothers.
Just a really, really quick look.
- Okay.
- Just flash it to me.
- I can make up my mind.
- Okay.
And then you're gonna put it away, yeah? - I'm ready.
Get in there.
- Yeah.
Three, two, one.
In you go.
You little pervert.
You were gonna do it.
- Get stuffed.
- You were fully gonna look.
- You're the pervert.
- You're the pervert.
You were gonna whip out your dick for all and sundry.
You were gonna look.
I wasn't gonna whip it out.
"Everyone, inspect my dick, inspect my dick.
" - Get the fuck out of there.
- Hey.
[CACKLES.]
You ARE circumcised.
I'm actually I'm actually fine with it.
I'm fine with it.
- [WHISTLES.]
- APRIL: Car 72, please report.
- Car 72, please report.
- Hey, mine.
- Car 72.
No activity.
- Thank you, Hendy.
Actually, um, there is a little bit of activity with my heart rate when I hear your voice, April.
CAROL: Car 72.
Protocol.
- Nothing, no activity.
- Are you serious? - Oh, come on.
- That was pathetic.
- I know.
- What's all that about? Well, I thought about what you said about April, her voice sounding nice, looked her up on the old social media.
- Oh, stalker.
- Yeah.
Hot! HENDY: Yeah.
Worth stalking.
Whoo.
Get your lips around that.
But what was that? That was a whole lot of shit falling out your mouth.
I planned it out.
It sounded so much better I'm just bad on the phone.
I'm good in the room, bad on the phone.
Yes, yes.
I will say I'm the opposite.
I'm like On the phone, I can have girls like that, like hook 'em, 'cause I have these dulcet tones in my voice.
It's just when they get to know me, it falls apart pretty quick.
Mmm.
I will help you out.
I'm April.
No, you're not.
No, we're not doing that.
- Just go with me.
- No.
No, I'm not going with you.
What else are we gonna do? Look where we are.
Come on.
- [SIGHS.]
All right.
- All right.
[SULTRY VOICE.]
Hey, sexy.
How are you? No.
I can't.
Not with your face.
I can't think about her looking at that.
Imagine her head on my shoulders just for a second.
No, it's horrible, it's horrible.
Forget it.
All right.
Okay.
Look.
Ah.
All right.
Here.
- Oh, come on.
- Just go with me.
[SULTRY VOICE.]
Hey, sexy.
How are you? That's ridiculous.
She doesn't speak like a chipmunk.
Oh.
[DEEP VOICE.]
Hey.
Hey, sexy.
How are you? That's too low.
Just do your normal voice.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Hey, sexy, how are you? - Go back to the first one.
- What, the high one? - High one.
- Hey.
Hey, sexy.
How are? - Down.
- [VOICE WAVERS.]
- Up.
Start from the top.
- [HIGH-PITCHED HUM.]
Hey! - [HUMS.]
- Where are you? Come down.
- [HUMS DOWN NOTES.]
- Down.
Down.
There.
- [SLIGHTLY HIGH-PITCHED.]
Ah.
- That's fine.
- Hey, Hendy.
What's going on? - Yep.
Hey! Hey, April.
Um Car 72, no activity.
- Oh.
Okay, 'bye.
- No, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait.
- I wanted to just say hi.
- Yeah.
I wondered if I How is your employment thus far? It's fine.
It's fine.
What's going on? Why are you ringing? Oh, I'm just socially, casually - Mmm.
- Um, requesting - Yes? - Uh, perhaps - Get to the point.
- Uhhh - If you'd like a beverage? - Ooooh! - A social beverage? - Ooh, you sound nice.
- I'd like that.
Be nice.
- Well, thank you.
- I - What else? What else? Well, we could see Perhaps have a meal.
Oh.
A meal? This is sounding strangely like a date.
Are you asking me out on a date? Well, uh, if you wanna formally call it that.
You ARE asking me out on a date.
- Sure.
- Oh, that's Hang on.
You're This is, uh No, no, no.
Hang on.
I barely know you.
This is harassment in the workplace.
Do you wanna have sex with me? Is that what this is? Oh, Carol, this is not on.
Hendy's harassing me in the workplace.
- Phone call's over.
Click.
- "Ah, Your Honour.
" "Detective Hendy" "has been harassing April in the workplace.
" "No, I haven't.
I didn't say I wanted sex.
" "I just asked her out on a movie.
" "Oh, guilty.
" - Didn't go too well, did it? - Nup.
Got this shit? No? - Jimmy's a shit name.
- Hmm? What's your real name? Is it James? Jimmy or Jim.
Were you born James? Yeah, my birth certificate, yeah.
- It's a nice name.
- Oh, thank you.
Stay James.
Just be James.
It's good.
Well, I've always been called Jimmy.
Yeah, but James is, like, more dignified.
Know what I mean? Like, come up to my level.
I'm not, like, you know, the Prince of Denmark.
- Who? - Sounds a bit I dunno.
Like French royalty or something.
- In Denmark? The French? - I dunno.
I dunno.
Yeah.
Jimmy.
It sounds like a dog.
"Jimmy.
" [WHISTLES.]
"Jimmy.
Here, Jimmy.
" "Stop humping me leg, Jimmy.
" I'm not a dog, mate.
They call me the bubble man.
The what? - The bubble man.
- And why's that? Bubblegum.
It's my calling card.
So I stick the bubblegum under a bit of furniture, just randomly.
Could be any piece of furniture, and forensics get in there and they're like, "The bubble man was in.
" The bubble man.
Don't you think that's a little bit unwise, given that you're basically giving them a sample of your DNA? Shut up, James.
Humour.
That's what you're missing, mate.
Too desperate.
All right.
Jokes.
Tell her a joke.
Got any jokes? - I've only got one joke.
- Well, tell it.
Where did Hitler keep all his armies? - Where? - Up his sleevies.
Too soon.
Look, here.
Here's a joke.
Two vomits walking down the street.
- Stop.
- Why? Disgusting and visually confusing.
How are the vomits walking down the street? Well, they're sliding down the street.
- That's It's irrelevant, okay? - Have they got legs? - Well, no, they're on their fluids.
- Okay.
All right.
Two vomits fluiding down the street.
They get to the corner.
One of them drops to his knees.
He's completely emotional, and the other vomit says, "Are you okay?" He says, "Yeah.
It's just that I was brought up on this corner.
" Nup.
MAN: We've got no sign of the target shipment at this time.
Uh, all points, hold position.
- G'day, guys.
You still there? - Yes, Jacob.
Yeah, this is Jacob from Port Security.
Uh, there's been 30 minutes now since we last spoke.
And there's been really an unusual absence of activity.
I was wondering is that the sort of thing you'd be interested in? No, that's not out of the ordinary.
It's in no way useful to us.
Thank you, Jacob.
Over and out.
I just I'm finding it hard.
I wanna be I wanna be a good member of this team.
I mean, I'm your tool down here.
- You are a tool, yes.
- I'm your eyes on the dock.
And it would help if I knew what I was looking for.
HENDY: No, you're not looking for anything, mate.
Terrorism? Drugs? Look, I understand that you can't compromise your investigation by telling me the exact nature of what you're looking for, but I've had a thought.
I'll say 'terrorism' and if you don't say anything for five seconds, then I will know it's terrorism.
So I say 'terrorism'.
Five seconds silence, then it's terrorism, okay? Here we go.
[WHISPERS.]
Terrorism.
- Jacob, we can't disclose - Whoa, okay.
So it's not terrorism.
Terrorism.
HENDY: Well, we're not saying either way.
- Okay, so - No, we haven't established I know.
I get it.
[CHUCKLES.]
- HENDY: Do you? - Yeah.
Okay.
Um All right.
So if it's human trafficking, like boat people, um, sniff twice.
[WHISPERS.]
Human trafficking.
[ENGINE ROARS.]
- HENDY: Jacob, I - I couldn't hear.
I couldn't hear, sorry.
Something went past the window.
- HENDY: Be quiet for a second.
- Yep.
HENDY: Uh, I'm not gonna disclose to you what it is.
- No, I know, mate.
- HENDY: At all.
I know.
I got it.
Not terrorism.
Not boat people.
Right.
- [STOKES SNORES.]
- JACOB: Okay, so if it's impo imports of exotic birds, like parrots or, um, or certain terns HENDY: Listen, Jacob.
Um God, I love talking to you.
It's almost too much fun.
Um So - JACOB: Meat products? - No.
- Fireworks? - Yeah, it is fireworks.
- It's fireworks.
- No, it's not.
HENDY: It is.
Keep an eye out for fireworks.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, it's good that we got some banter going.
I think it's probably pretty good for team dynamics.
HENDY: Yeah.
- It's not fireworks, is it? - HENDY: Definitely fireworks.
Do keep an eye out for fireworks.
Let us know if you see any fireworks.
Thanks, Jacob.
All right.
Keeping an eye out for fireworks.
[SNORES.]
Stokes.
Stokes.
Did you hear that? No.
- I thought someone shot something.
- No.
[EXHALES LOUDLY.]
- Can you do that without the noise? - Yeah.
Or better still, maybe do your job.
Like I'm doing.
You know, I'm on stand-by.
- I'm ready to go.
- Right, sorry.
Just a bit boring when there's just nothing There's nothing happening.
Okay.
I was trying to use that time productively.
All right, I'm gonna do it.
- What? - I'm gonna do it.
- No, don't go off - Yes, I'm gonna do it.
- You're half cocked.
- No, I don't listen to you.
You put me off with your stupid shit.
You're not good with women.
I'm good with women.
You look away.
- Heed my advice.
- No advice.
- Look away.
Look away.
- No.
Don't look at me while I do this.
I mean, it's been about three hours since a call.
Does anything really ever happen here much? Or is it a lot of this? - [CLEARS THROAT.]
- There is a lot of this.
I'll be honest.
This is Car This is Car 72.
Come in, over.
Car 72.
Car 72.
This is Carol.
You got Carol, could you please put April on? No.
Why? Uh, because there is something of a personal nature that, uh, we need to discuss.
Of a Just put her on, please.
And don't listen to it, please.
- Pull out.
Pull out.
- This is too Shut up.
- [GROANS.]
- Just look away! Look away.
April speaking.
April.
It's Hendy here.
Um How are you? Fine, thanks.
I just wanted to let you know that the ship has been delayed, so will be in for a bit of a longer wait.
Shut the fuck up.
Yeah, okay.
And also, um - How are you? - [STOKES GROANS.]
Sorry.
Sorry, did you Do you want something? 'Cause Two vomits were walking down the street and one of the vomits became very emotional and fell to his knees.
And the other vomit He started crying.
And the other vomit said, "What's wrong?" And the crying vomit said, "I was brought up on this corner.
" [LAUGHS.]
That's funny.
That's good.
It's important to laugh, isn't it? You see a lot of fluids on the job.
And, uh, if you don't laugh, you'll, uh you'll develop cancer.
Yeah.
Uh Yes, I've known some people with cancer, and that's certainly not funny.
[APRIL GIGGLES.]
We're both thinking Thinking of living Fill our house With things like people do - Doo doo doo - Ahh ah What I wouldn't do for Your hair tied back and
You always keep your fingernails this long? - Yeah.
Why? - Doesn't that drive you crazy? No, I got lady fingernails.
Yeah, why, though? Well, they match my my fingers.
I've got piano fingers.
I didn't know you could play the piano.
- Oh, yeah.
- Really? Yeah, I could.
I mean, I don't, but, you know, it's genetic.
- If I wanted to, I could.
- Shut up.
Here it is.
NEWSREADER: A man was shot at close range in the CBD last night by an unknown assailant.
That's you.
The victim, in his 50s, was rushed to nearby That's right.
Shot him.
Police are still yet to release a statement, but a witness did report an elderly man - Elderly.
High five.
- Fleeing the scene.
- More news in an hour.
- No.
Get out.
I'm 48 years old.
No one teach you to high-five, Gramps? - 48's the new 75.
- What are you talking about? That's normally the other way around.
- But for you, it's the reverse.
- Yeah.
You know, witnesses don't know what they see.
I agree with the eyewitness.
I saw you running to the car.
As stressed as I was in the whole situation, I couldn't help but stifle a laugh.
I thought, "Why has he chosen this moment to do a funny walk?" I wasn't doing a funny walk.
I was running inconspicuously.
Well, you have a very uneven gait.
Yeah, you were inconspicuous.
For a retiree.
- I was walking quickly.
- On his way to bingo.
With a catheter strapped to his leg.
Be right at home there.
I'll have you know that I have a massive gait.
I actually had a physio once tell me I have hyper-extendable hips.
- Yeah, back in the '40s? - Don't.
Look, I'll show you.
- Can you do that? - That means no I've got the steering wheel.
That means nothing.
Let me see you on the ground.
Just walk back - The reas - Give us a run to the bollard.
I could run to that bollard and back before you could say, "Lickety-dick-split.
" - Do it.
I'll time you.
- All right, I'll run over there.
- You see, now I'm warmed up.
- Yeah, okay.
See, before I wasn't.
I'll go.
You ready? You time it.
Yeah, I'll time it.
Wait, wait.
Hang on.
Get to the 12.
Hang on.
And go! - [SIGHS.]
It's cold.
- Yeah, I know.
It's all right.
- It's all right.
- Don't touch me.
Have a little nap.
I'll take this watch.
- You have a little nap.
- Don't patronise me.
You're a bit grumpy.
That's all.
And sleepy.
- I'll shoot you in the face.
- Will you? Gah, gah, gah, splash! Huh? Swallow that age.
- Tastes like wisdom.
- Tastes like cobwebs.
[GRUMBLES.]
[THEME SONG.]
Out here on my own Why's it always take so long? I'm ready for the moment Forget about the future I'm ready for the pressure to blow.
[RATTLING.]
MAN OVER RADIO: Attention, all units.
Looks like our dockside tip-off is good.
Associates suspected of awaiting delivery in an unmarked shipping container.
- [RADIO PIPS.]
- [MECHANICAL WHIRRING.]
- [DRONE WHIRRS.]
- Huh? [WHIRRING STOPS.]
You know I'm better than this, yeah? Fuck.
What is this shit? - You know I'm the boss's nephew, yeah? - Yeah.
- Yeah, I'm like one up from you.
- Uh-huh.
- I'm higher in rank.
- Yeah.
Bullshit.
Hanging around with you and your bloody bung-eyed sadness.
What are you? What's wrong? Are you sad? Are you sad? - I am sad.
- I know.
You look sad.
- Don't be sad.
- I am.
Don't.
You don't have to be sad.
Talk it through.
- My best mate's in hospital.
- Fuck.
And his life's hanging on a thread.
Yeah.
There's been an attempted assassination by some old, old man.
- Soon to be a dead old man.
- Yeah.
Painting my nanna's at the moment.
- Do you love your nanna? - Yeah.
Well, I didn't know her very well, but I've seen pictures.
- Do you love the pictures? - Yeah.
It's weird, isn't it? You don't know your nanna, but you can love the memory of your nanna.
Yeah.
You ever had a nanna wank? What? You get confused.
It can turn into Like, any moment can turn sexual, you know? Are you circumcised? What kind of question's that? STOKES: Car 72.
No activity.
APRIL: Copy that.
No activity.
If I flatter a woman, is that sexual harassment now? - Mmmm.
- Is that It is if she's not interested in you.
- What if - G'day, this is Jake.
From Port Pamibula Security.
Yes, Jacob.
Uh, I remember you from three minutes ago.
Just wanted to report that there seems to be, uh, an unusual gathering of seagulls.
There's no need to panic regards species, but this is definitely out of the ordinary vis-a-vis the number.
I don't think I've seen - Hold on.
- [FAINT SEAGULL SQUAWKING.]
Nuh.
Yep.
Now there's, like Six more have just landed.
This is a properly unusual gathering of seagulls here on the on the eastern dock there.
Would you like me to go investigate, over? Hey, Jacob, remember when we first got here and we told you to pretend we're not here and go about your work, over? Yeah.
I said, "Come and have a cup of tea.
" And you guys were like, "Nah, we're busy.
" HENDY: Yeah, yeah, we are busy.
And we said, you know, just to go about your work and just pretend we're not here.
Yep.
Yep.
Yep.
Copy that.
Um uh, you also stipulated I remember I wrote it down.
Um, you said, "Report anything out of the ordinary.
" Yes, a flock of seagulls probably doesn't meet that, uh, prerequisite.
Let's just keep the airwaves clear.
Thanks, Jacob.
All right, seagulls are on the list.
Strange whistling sounds and seagulls.
HENDY: Yes, because, remember, strange whistling sounds was the wind, we decided, didn't we? Yeah.
Probably.
We'll talk soon.
Let's, um Let's get this done.
Let's get let's wrap this up.
All right.
Over and out.
Till next time.
Told you we shouldn't have told them.
- [SHIP HORN SOUNDS.]
- Mmmmm.
Mmmmm.
That was the octave.
Mm, it was, yeah.
JACOB: Guys, are you still there? Yeah, Jacob here from Port Security.
Just letting you know those seagulls have They've all moved on now.
Pretty much dispersed.
80% of 'em gone.
All right, Jacob.
Thanks, mate.
You keep up the good work.
Don't thank him.
Don't thank him for anything.
- Why? - You're encouraging him.
WOMAN: Confirming the shipment has entered Australian waters carrying the target, concealed inside the coffee crates.
Shouldn't be too long now.
[SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE.]
So what made you choose Dispatch? - Oh, you don't you don't know? - No.
There was an an an incident which required me to be placed elsewhere in the force.
Oh, shit.
It was with a taser actually.
What? Were you injured? APRIL: What happened in the end is that I tasered a man and he passed away.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Um, what sort of weapon did he have? I don't think he had a weapon.
It was more just like a really bad attitude and he was a man.
And I just don't think he took me seriously.
They were trying to regenerate some of the grass in the area.
It was just my job to go, "Yeah, please take the path.
" So it came to a head because I was saying, "Sir, can you please walk around?" And he He was like, "No, fuck off.
I'm" I mean, he probably didn't even say, "Fuck off.
" I can't actually remember, but his energy was all He started coming towards me, and he was kind of So that I think that's the point when I got out the taser and I just said, "Sir, stand back.
" "Do not touch this grass.
Do not step a foot on it.
" And he said, "What are you gonna do, throw your lipstick at me?" And I said, "That's it.
" And then I tasered him.
And I [STAMMERS.]
I don't know why, but I just held on the button.
Because I wanted to be so sure that I wasn't gonna come up against him again.
And so then I let it go and then he was unresponsive.
But it was just one of those days.
It's like, don't You know those days, Carol.
It's like, "Don't push me.
" It's certainly a day that you won't forget.
My fiancé left me that day, so I will not be forgetting that any time soon.
- Because of the tasering? - No.
No.
It was, uh Actually no.
He left me that morning.
He told me that he'd been having an affair that morning and, um, so we ended it and then a couple of hours later I mean, the tasering was unrelated.
It was an unrelated event.
It was unrelated.
Come on.
I'm not telling you whether I'm circumcised or not.
Share and share alike.
Look, there's no hard and fast rules to circumcision.
Just tell me.
- Yes, I'm circumcised.
- I knew it.
How? Just a vibe.
- Yeah.
- Are you circumcised? - I dunno.
- How don't you know? I just don't know.
I've never really Never really looked into it, kind of thing.
Well, have you got a bell end, have you got a knob end? Or have you got a foreskin? - I don't - Have you got a helmet there? Or is there a bit a bit of skin covering your helmet? Like a sausage? Like the end of a sausage? It's just, like, um It's kind of in between, I guess.
Didn't you talk to your mum about it? Have you ever spoken to a doctor? My mum's not a doctor.
Maybe, um, you could give us a look? Let me know what's going on down there.
I'm not showing you my dick.
Look at mine.
Just tell me what's going on.
I'm not looking at your dick.
Just give us a little look.
I'm not gonna look at your cock, mate.
- I'll then leave you alone.
- I'm not looking at your dick.
We can make this a thing that will go on all bloody night then.
Help a mate out.
I'm your boss.
You technically have to do it.
Please.
Please, man, please.
I've always wondered.
Please.
It'd mean a lot to me, yeah? I didn't grow up with brothers.
Just a really, really quick look.
- Okay.
- Just flash it to me.
- I can make up my mind.
- Okay.
And then you're gonna put it away, yeah? - I'm ready.
Get in there.
- Yeah.
Three, two, one.
In you go.
You little pervert.
You were gonna do it.
- Get stuffed.
- You were fully gonna look.
- You're the pervert.
- You're the pervert.
You were gonna whip out your dick for all and sundry.
You were gonna look.
I wasn't gonna whip it out.
"Everyone, inspect my dick, inspect my dick.
" - Get the fuck out of there.
- Hey.
[CACKLES.]
You ARE circumcised.
I'm actually I'm actually fine with it.
I'm fine with it.
- [WHISTLES.]
- APRIL: Car 72, please report.
- Car 72, please report.
- Hey, mine.
- Car 72.
No activity.
- Thank you, Hendy.
Actually, um, there is a little bit of activity with my heart rate when I hear your voice, April.
CAROL: Car 72.
Protocol.
- Nothing, no activity.
- Are you serious? - Oh, come on.
- That was pathetic.
- I know.
- What's all that about? Well, I thought about what you said about April, her voice sounding nice, looked her up on the old social media.
- Oh, stalker.
- Yeah.
Hot! HENDY: Yeah.
Worth stalking.
Whoo.
Get your lips around that.
But what was that? That was a whole lot of shit falling out your mouth.
I planned it out.
It sounded so much better I'm just bad on the phone.
I'm good in the room, bad on the phone.
Yes, yes.
I will say I'm the opposite.
I'm like On the phone, I can have girls like that, like hook 'em, 'cause I have these dulcet tones in my voice.
It's just when they get to know me, it falls apart pretty quick.
Mmm.
I will help you out.
I'm April.
No, you're not.
No, we're not doing that.
- Just go with me.
- No.
No, I'm not going with you.
What else are we gonna do? Look where we are.
Come on.
- [SIGHS.]
All right.
- All right.
[SULTRY VOICE.]
Hey, sexy.
How are you? No.
I can't.
Not with your face.
I can't think about her looking at that.
Imagine her head on my shoulders just for a second.
No, it's horrible, it's horrible.
Forget it.
All right.
Okay.
Look.
Ah.
All right.
Here.
- Oh, come on.
- Just go with me.
[SULTRY VOICE.]
Hey, sexy.
How are you? That's ridiculous.
She doesn't speak like a chipmunk.
Oh.
[DEEP VOICE.]
Hey.
Hey, sexy.
How are you? That's too low.
Just do your normal voice.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Hey, sexy, how are you? - Go back to the first one.
- What, the high one? - High one.
- Hey.
Hey, sexy.
How are? - Down.
- [VOICE WAVERS.]
- Up.
Start from the top.
- [HIGH-PITCHED HUM.]
Hey! - [HUMS.]
- Where are you? Come down.
- [HUMS DOWN NOTES.]
- Down.
Down.
There.
- [SLIGHTLY HIGH-PITCHED.]
Ah.
- That's fine.
- Hey, Hendy.
What's going on? - Yep.
Hey! Hey, April.
Um Car 72, no activity.
- Oh.
Okay, 'bye.
- No, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait.
- I wanted to just say hi.
- Yeah.
I wondered if I How is your employment thus far? It's fine.
It's fine.
What's going on? Why are you ringing? Oh, I'm just socially, casually - Mmm.
- Um, requesting - Yes? - Uh, perhaps - Get to the point.
- Uhhh - If you'd like a beverage? - Ooooh! - A social beverage? - Ooh, you sound nice.
- I'd like that.
Be nice.
- Well, thank you.
- I - What else? What else? Well, we could see Perhaps have a meal.
Oh.
A meal? This is sounding strangely like a date.
Are you asking me out on a date? Well, uh, if you wanna formally call it that.
You ARE asking me out on a date.
- Sure.
- Oh, that's Hang on.
You're This is, uh No, no, no.
Hang on.
I barely know you.
This is harassment in the workplace.
Do you wanna have sex with me? Is that what this is? Oh, Carol, this is not on.
Hendy's harassing me in the workplace.
- Phone call's over.
Click.
- "Ah, Your Honour.
" "Detective Hendy" "has been harassing April in the workplace.
" "No, I haven't.
I didn't say I wanted sex.
" "I just asked her out on a movie.
" "Oh, guilty.
" - Didn't go too well, did it? - Nup.
Got this shit? No? - Jimmy's a shit name.
- Hmm? What's your real name? Is it James? Jimmy or Jim.
Were you born James? Yeah, my birth certificate, yeah.
- It's a nice name.
- Oh, thank you.
Stay James.
Just be James.
It's good.
Well, I've always been called Jimmy.
Yeah, but James is, like, more dignified.
Know what I mean? Like, come up to my level.
I'm not, like, you know, the Prince of Denmark.
- Who? - Sounds a bit I dunno.
Like French royalty or something.
- In Denmark? The French? - I dunno.
I dunno.
Yeah.
Jimmy.
It sounds like a dog.
"Jimmy.
" [WHISTLES.]
"Jimmy.
Here, Jimmy.
" "Stop humping me leg, Jimmy.
" I'm not a dog, mate.
They call me the bubble man.
The what? - The bubble man.
- And why's that? Bubblegum.
It's my calling card.
So I stick the bubblegum under a bit of furniture, just randomly.
Could be any piece of furniture, and forensics get in there and they're like, "The bubble man was in.
" The bubble man.
Don't you think that's a little bit unwise, given that you're basically giving them a sample of your DNA? Shut up, James.
Humour.
That's what you're missing, mate.
Too desperate.
All right.
Jokes.
Tell her a joke.
Got any jokes? - I've only got one joke.
- Well, tell it.
Where did Hitler keep all his armies? - Where? - Up his sleevies.
Too soon.
Look, here.
Here's a joke.
Two vomits walking down the street.
- Stop.
- Why? Disgusting and visually confusing.
How are the vomits walking down the street? Well, they're sliding down the street.
- That's It's irrelevant, okay? - Have they got legs? - Well, no, they're on their fluids.
- Okay.
All right.
Two vomits fluiding down the street.
They get to the corner.
One of them drops to his knees.
He's completely emotional, and the other vomit says, "Are you okay?" He says, "Yeah.
It's just that I was brought up on this corner.
" Nup.
MAN: We've got no sign of the target shipment at this time.
Uh, all points, hold position.
- G'day, guys.
You still there? - Yes, Jacob.
Yeah, this is Jacob from Port Security.
Uh, there's been 30 minutes now since we last spoke.
And there's been really an unusual absence of activity.
I was wondering is that the sort of thing you'd be interested in? No, that's not out of the ordinary.
It's in no way useful to us.
Thank you, Jacob.
Over and out.
I just I'm finding it hard.
I wanna be I wanna be a good member of this team.
I mean, I'm your tool down here.
- You are a tool, yes.
- I'm your eyes on the dock.
And it would help if I knew what I was looking for.
HENDY: No, you're not looking for anything, mate.
Terrorism? Drugs? Look, I understand that you can't compromise your investigation by telling me the exact nature of what you're looking for, but I've had a thought.
I'll say 'terrorism' and if you don't say anything for five seconds, then I will know it's terrorism.
So I say 'terrorism'.
Five seconds silence, then it's terrorism, okay? Here we go.
[WHISPERS.]
Terrorism.
- Jacob, we can't disclose - Whoa, okay.
So it's not terrorism.
Terrorism.
HENDY: Well, we're not saying either way.
- Okay, so - No, we haven't established I know.
I get it.
[CHUCKLES.]
- HENDY: Do you? - Yeah.
Okay.
Um All right.
So if it's human trafficking, like boat people, um, sniff twice.
[WHISPERS.]
Human trafficking.
[ENGINE ROARS.]
- HENDY: Jacob, I - I couldn't hear.
I couldn't hear, sorry.
Something went past the window.
- HENDY: Be quiet for a second.
- Yep.
HENDY: Uh, I'm not gonna disclose to you what it is.
- No, I know, mate.
- HENDY: At all.
I know.
I got it.
Not terrorism.
Not boat people.
Right.
- [STOKES SNORES.]
- JACOB: Okay, so if it's impo imports of exotic birds, like parrots or, um, or certain terns HENDY: Listen, Jacob.
Um God, I love talking to you.
It's almost too much fun.
Um So - JACOB: Meat products? - No.
- Fireworks? - Yeah, it is fireworks.
- It's fireworks.
- No, it's not.
HENDY: It is.
Keep an eye out for fireworks.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, it's good that we got some banter going.
I think it's probably pretty good for team dynamics.
HENDY: Yeah.
- It's not fireworks, is it? - HENDY: Definitely fireworks.
Do keep an eye out for fireworks.
Let us know if you see any fireworks.
Thanks, Jacob.
All right.
Keeping an eye out for fireworks.
[SNORES.]
Stokes.
Stokes.
Did you hear that? No.
- I thought someone shot something.
- No.
[EXHALES LOUDLY.]
- Can you do that without the noise? - Yeah.
Or better still, maybe do your job.
Like I'm doing.
You know, I'm on stand-by.
- I'm ready to go.
- Right, sorry.
Just a bit boring when there's just nothing There's nothing happening.
Okay.
I was trying to use that time productively.
All right, I'm gonna do it.
- What? - I'm gonna do it.
- No, don't go off - Yes, I'm gonna do it.
- You're half cocked.
- No, I don't listen to you.
You put me off with your stupid shit.
You're not good with women.
I'm good with women.
You look away.
- Heed my advice.
- No advice.
- Look away.
Look away.
- No.
Don't look at me while I do this.
I mean, it's been about three hours since a call.
Does anything really ever happen here much? Or is it a lot of this? - [CLEARS THROAT.]
- There is a lot of this.
I'll be honest.
This is Car This is Car 72.
Come in, over.
Car 72.
Car 72.
This is Carol.
You got Carol, could you please put April on? No.
Why? Uh, because there is something of a personal nature that, uh, we need to discuss.
Of a Just put her on, please.
And don't listen to it, please.
- Pull out.
Pull out.
- This is too Shut up.
- [GROANS.]
- Just look away! Look away.
April speaking.
April.
It's Hendy here.
Um How are you? Fine, thanks.
I just wanted to let you know that the ship has been delayed, so will be in for a bit of a longer wait.
Shut the fuck up.
Yeah, okay.
And also, um - How are you? - [STOKES GROANS.]
Sorry.
Sorry, did you Do you want something? 'Cause Two vomits were walking down the street and one of the vomits became very emotional and fell to his knees.
And the other vomit He started crying.
And the other vomit said, "What's wrong?" And the crying vomit said, "I was brought up on this corner.
" [LAUGHS.]
That's funny.
That's good.
It's important to laugh, isn't it? You see a lot of fluids on the job.
And, uh, if you don't laugh, you'll, uh you'll develop cancer.
Yeah.
Uh Yes, I've known some people with cancer, and that's certainly not funny.
[APRIL GIGGLES.]
We're both thinking Thinking of living Fill our house With things like people do - Doo doo doo - Ahh ah What I wouldn't do for Your hair tied back and