No Heroics s01e02 Episode Script

All today's services are cancelled due to engineering works on the Eastern Line.
Machine, give cash.
Ding.
Bloody journalists! This review's ridiculous.
I didn't save a paraplegic girl from drowning for the sake of one star.
It took you a whole morning to rescue her.
Excuse me for not knowing exactly how long it takes to evaporate a pond.
I've got heat powers, not a science degree.
It's not that bad.
It's hardly Don's Armenian Embassy review.
- Don't remind me.
- Yeah, you really "stormed" that one.
Cos it was an embassy.
I could have killed that reviewer.
- You gave it a good shot.
- I didn't shoot him.
I just write him a little note.
You carved the words "mediocre performance" into his face with a coat hanger.
That was bad.
I don't even bother reading my reviews any more.
You've got a bit in the Skirmishes section.
Really? See? This is bollocks.
When have I ever let my temper get in the way of my work? - You can all get fucked.
- On that note, whose round is it? - Yours.
- Yours.
I'll get this one.
All right, Miasma? What part of "barred" do you not understand? You invisible twat.
Unbelievable.
- All right, Dave? - Mustn't grumble.
- Great.
- But I bloody should.
You take these super taxes.
Why should I foot the bill every time some spotty little sidekick accidently blows up a post office? I tell you my friend, I was in Gulf One.
I paid my debt to society in blood and shit.
But does anybody care but us knackered capes? Did they? What was that? - Good news, Hotpocket? - The Hotness.
Just a text.
If it's your mum, send her my love.
My special love.
You know what that is.
- No.
- Anal.
Yeah.
You know what, Devlin? My mum's actually dead.
Orphan Annie.
What do you want, a fucking badge? - Give it back.
- Tip-off, is it? Just give me back my phone, Devlin.
Ooh, Heat Rash wants to play at grown-up superheroes.
I am a grown-up superhero! Dave, Devlin took my phone.
He won't give it back! Jesus, I wouldn't even get out of bed for a drugs bust.
Well, this happens to be 60 grand's worth of E's.
Really? No, no.
It's not I was I was joking.
Bye, Devlin.
That's it, Hot Shit.
Run along to Mummy.
Oh, no, you can't, can you? What, too harsh? - Come on.
- It's only a stupid fan club.
Whenever we turn up, the geeks will still be there.
But the samosas won't.
Geeks love nibbles.
Guess who just got a tip-off.
There is some gangland shit going down.
- Who do you know in gangland? - My cousin Rupert, actually.
- He's connected.
- He works at Putney Park Pizza.
Yeah, like I say, gangland.
- Hey, can I get a lift off someone? - What's wrong with your car? The Hotmobile's off the road right now.
His Punto failed its MOT.
- Yes, Don? - You know what happened last time - you left me on my own in a pub.
- We talked about this.
You don't have to have sex in pub toilets just cos you're bored.
Yeah, I'd love to stand here all day talking about Don bumming strangers.
- But I've gotta bounce.
- How are you gonna get there? The official secret weapon of every big city costume, Jenny.
I've gotta be in Putney by nine.
So, pedal to the metal, yeah? Off you go.
Chop, chop.
Hey.
- Travelling alone? - Well, yes.
Not any more.
The Hotness is here.
The architect of arson, the craftsman of combustion.
- I've not heard of you.
- Come on.
Really? - I am quite famous.
- No standing on the upper deck.
- He's talking to you.
- But he doesn't realise normal rules don't apply to The Hotness.
The man in the stupid suit, sit down.
Probably just scared.
I am quite intimidating.
Thank you, sir.
This guy does not know who he is messing with.
Although he might do because I am quite famous.
- Yeah, I - Sh! Now, I'm getting off this bus at Putney.
I want you to ask yourself, "Do I wanna see this incredible guy again, maybe even naked?" If the answer's yes, and I think it will be, I want you to give me your number.
Don't speak.
Just remember, time's a-ticking, and I have to prepare for battle.
Did I drop my bus pass? Stop sulking.
Meeting the fans is part of our job.
Violence is our job.
Quipping is our job.
Hanging out with a bunch of sweaty knuckle-fuckers Hi! - It's Lady Trouble.
- We're not called that any more.
Make way for Lady Trouble Tape, stop.
See? I told you it'd be like this.
You even smell powerful.
Please come in.
- Is that man .
Hi! - It's Lady Trouble.
- We're not called that any more.
Make way for Lady Trouble Tape, stop.
See? I told you it'd be like this.
You even smell powerful.
Please come in.
- Is that man retarded? - Did you call us knuckle-fuckers? I could lie, but yes, I did.
My name's Darren.
I'm the leader of the Brentwood Power Fan Society.
You look older than you used to.
That's generally how it works.
Just give me the cash.
I expect you'd like to check it first, make sure it's all there, much like a prostitute.
Not that I've ever paid for sex.
Of course you haven't.
- Having fun? - I'm working, actually.
Work, yeah.
You're Don, right? - I know one of your exes.
Terrible.
- Oh, Nigel.
He's a two-faced little prick.
Yeah.
He said that you were bad news.
Abuse.
- What? - I'm Steve.
You can call me Fusebox.
I can make two different things come together.
- Useful power.
Well done.
- I was actually being suggestive.
- Powers are against pub rules.
- Prules.
- What is this shit you're doing? - Oh, sorry, it's a nervous tic.
Word fusion.
Wusion.
- It's fucking annoying.
- Sorry.
Bad habit.
Babit.
Do you know there are 16 different ways I could fuck you up right now - without even using my hands? - Don't forget the prules.
Do you fancy a drink? OK, chatty catty.
Can I have a bottle of Shazamstel and two shots for my new friend? Nend.
Sorry, this seat's taken.
By my friend who's getting on at the next stop.
He's another superhero, actually.
Oh, really? Yeah, it's Excelsor.
That's his favourite seat.
He loves it.
- Bullshit.
- 'Fraid not.
We're going on a wine-tasting - on a special yacht.
- But Excelsor can fly.
Yes, but sometimes he needs to rest.
We've got a lot to catch up on.
Terrorism, evil, burritos, he loves burritos.
Fine.
special bastards You saw that, right? Pretty brave.
You're thinking about me.
I could sense a tingle.
You are definitely thinking about me.
Tingle, tingle.
Good evening, fellow Hero Heads.
The Brentwood Powerfan Society welcomes Electroclash and She-Force.
Previously known as late '90s superteam, Lady Trouble.
- God, we looked great.
- That's not actually a photograph.
This briefly popular yet short-lived superteam only fought three battles of any note, including one with supervillain, Payload.
- Great guy.
- Dead now.
And a stand-off with Power Pixie who, let's face it, doesn't really count.
We kind of have to give him that.
Lady Trouble split up in the summer of '98 and since then have failed to make their mark - as standalone superheroes.
- Whoa there, spunky.
I think you'll find I'm in this month's Power Express.
Only in the Skirmishes section.
Lights! And I'm the face of Cape Shapes, the heavy heroes' diet club.
Yes, but Lady Trouble actually meant something to the fans.
- You were seminal.
- You smell seminal.
I used to write your catchphrase all over my schoolbooks.
"Honesty, Integrity, Virtue.
" I still can't believe you chose three words that stand for HIV.
I loved you so much that my mum even made me a She-Force costume.
- You used to dress up like She-Force? - Every day.
- He used to dress up like you.
- I loved my costume so much that I never used to take it off, even in bed.
This is hilarious.
But that made my dad angry and then he called me some bad words and made my mum cry.
Then my dad left us and went to live with a new family.
It turned out Powerfizz was doing his sidekick, some twink called Silver Swallow.
How did it end? I shot him.
- What a cliche.
- That's pretty harsh.
Prarsh.
- With me, it always ends badly.
- Not just with you.
I was seeing this lovely fella.
Lella.
And he could only have sex watching this one DVD.
- You don't like porn? - It was "Schindler's List".
This one guy I picked up could only get off doing role-play.
You know, Gary Glitter's Holiday.
Sexy Barmitzvah.
- Kindergarten Cop.
- Whoa, whoa, what's that? You don't wanna know.
He was bad news.
Bews.
- That gets really boring.
- I can't help it.
I'm a word pervert.
- Wervert.
- Wervert.
- So you're seeing anyone at the moment? - No.
Sometimes I get bored and have sex with strangers.
But I'm even trying to give that up too.
Right.
- Are you bored right now? - Not bored enough.
Buff.
That doesn't quite work.
Benough.
So, who'd like to start? Me! Who came up with the name Lady Trouble? - Who do you fucking think? - I thought it sounded Girl Power.
I thought it sounded like a sanitary towel.
- But why did Lady Trouble split up? - Creative differences.
- We were shit.
- We weren't.
We had our own comic.
One issue, which my dad had to pay for.
and a theme tune.
Lady Trouble Shut up.
That's not nice.
No wonder you were never a fan favourite.
- Any more questions? - Me.
Oh, God.
She-Force would you sign my full-size promotional cut-out, please? Me? That would be a pleasure, Ian.
So, um, what's the hole for, Ian? It's for looking through.
Handy.
Excuse me.
Yes, blood? Do you know how far we are from Putney blood? It's about 20 minutes from here.
You're going out? Yeah, I'm really late.
You're going to some kind of batty club? Yeah, you look batty.
Adorable scamps.
I know what "batty" means, you little shit.
- All right, jokes, innit? - Yeah, jokes.
Watch it.
If it's late, why don't you just run fast? Maybe I get jogger's tit.
Why are you on a bus? You should get yourself a sick ride! Actually, my ride is a bit sick.
That's why it's in the garage and I'm on here.
Ha! Jokes.
- You think you fly? - No, no, me no fly.
- No, you fly.
- It's like pain, innit? - Yeah, it's like pain.
- I've got no idea what you're saying.
- So, what, you're really not Excelsor? - I've met him.
I bet he got plenty flex, though.
You get good bangs, you get me? Oh, OK, so "bangs" is? Yeah, you get me.
You might think that.
But actually, he's the one who's batty.
No fucking way! He's so big-pin, man! He's well boom.
All I'm saying is, all the big ones are.
- Excelsor's well batty.
- No, wait, wait.
I gotta text Raz this.
Batty Brilliant.
Hey, Village People, how long does it take to get to Putney? - Flying? - No, dancing like a gaylord.
- Of course, flying.
- About five minutes.
Why not, then? Who fancies 60 grand's worth of E's? - Yeah! - Of course you bloody do! Well, get the cocking suit.
Two more questions and I am out of here.
You can't do that.
It's a meet-and-greet.
Well, it smells like meat and feet.
Oh, and jizz.
Oh, you're so crude.
Maybe if you were nicer, we'd have more of a fan base.
OK, everyone, let's settle down.
Any further questions? But no more sex ones, OK? I've got one.
She-Force, do you have a boyfriend? Oh, Jesus, Ian, every time.
As it happens, Ian, no, I don't have a boyfriend.
- Why? - Your guess is as good as mine.
Because she's super-strong but sexually clumsy.
- She's kidding.
- No, I'm not.
At college, we used to call her "The Cockbreaker".
As an affectionate nickname.
Of course, I didn't get as much practice as some people.
Maybe if you had, Gareth would still be able to fly straight.
Well, we can't all be penis experts like you.
- Ian, do you have another question? - Yes, one for Electroclash.
You control machines.
Can you talk to calculators? - Of course I fucking can.
- It's humans she has a problem with.
At least I don't get off with sidekicks.
One sidekick.
At least I don't short-circuit whole buildings every time I'm on my period.
Says she, fridge, whose power could be an icy blast of dust from her wizened vagina! At least I didn't screw the Drizzler.
That's right, I said screw.
She screwed the Drizzler and didn't use protection.
Now you are just asking for a kick in the ice box, lady! You're not even my type.
Like you're the ideal boyfriend.
By the way, are you sponge or stone? Stone, a big one.
More like a rock.
Ooh.
I go either way.
I'm a spone.
- Why are gays superheroes - Guperheroes.
so into meaningless sex, anyway? Where shall I start? Sure.
It will be simple for you and me to go to the toilet and do it.
Natural, even.
The irony of which would not be lost on my father.
But I can't risk it.
Thunder Monkey hates people bumming in his toilet.
We won't get caught.
Millions of people have sex in public toilets every second of the day.
I'm pretty sure that's not a real statistic.
We don't have to have actual sex.
I can just give you a quick blob.
- You know? - I can guess what it is, Steve.
- Are we gonna do this or not? - Let's see.
What a surprise.
It's blob time.
- You're a spinster! - You're a slapper! - Take that back! - What'll you do? - Unleash the calculators? - What'll YOU do? Break my cock? Your problem is no one's honest with you 'cos they're scared of you.
Honesty time, is it? Do you wanna know the real reason why Lady Trouble broke up? Tell me.
Because you are so whiny and so clingy.
Why didn't you tell me at the time? Because you're my best friend, you fucking idiot! If we're being honest, I've got something that I'd like to say too, to everyone.
Sometimes when I feel sad, I like to dress up as She-Force again and that makes me feel happy.
I said that I did.
But I never really completed Halo 3.
I once got angry and killed a cat.
I have a bump on my back where a tail should be.
It's disgusting.
Don't you have something you'd like to share with your friends, Darren, since we're being so honest? OK.
Sometimes when I'm lonely, I sleep with prostitutes.
- Good lad.
- Two at a time.
One time, you'll like this, I made them pretend to be Lady Trouble.
I think that's quite enough honesty for one day.
OK, that's quite good.
- Quood? - I suppose.
Right, OK, let's hurry this up.
- What's wrong? - Go faster.
Cradle the balls.
Oh, come on, man, it's not working.
You've only got 15 seconds.
I'm going as fast as I can.
Steve, in Spain, there is a phrase: "If no one's answering the front door, send someone round back to ring the bell.
" Oh, right.
Yeah, good lad.
Why is your watch going off? - Sorry.
With me, it always ends badly.
- What do you mean? - I'm afraid this is bad news.
- Bews? Thank God you're here! This man on his knees is attacking me.
So what do you think of this one? This is sweet.
I'm about to deal with some extremely violent street crime.
That's not helping me get in the zone.
- Here's your boy! It's Excelsor! - Oh, God.
Great, perfect.
Look, ain't he in Putney? - Ain't that where you're going? - Yep, I'm going to Putney.
- You're gonna go hang with your boy! - Hang with your batty boy.
- Batty boy! - Batty boy! Look, just shut up! Um, excuse me.
Oh, hi, thank God it wasn't a completely wasted journey.
Batty.
Did you say you know Excelsor? Yes, I do.
All us famous capes hang out together.
Do you know if he's single? Brilliant.
- Batty boy! - Batty man! Batty man! I hate drugs even more than I hate paedophiles, and that's a lot.
Look at me.
Look at me! Don, I thought you said you wouldn't do that stuff again? - He made me.
- He made you stand in front of him while he pleasured you? - Correct.
- Hey, come on, cheeky chops, drink up.
- I'm not in the mood.
- Well, I am.
Ding-ding! All aboard the drunk bus.
Jokes.
Hey, Hot Bot, the orphan.
Thanks for the tip-off.
- My pleasure.
- Don't be like that.
Come here.
Er, are you all right, Devlin? Abso-fucking-lutely.
I'm the most famous cape in the country.
And I just made a massive drug bust.
- Nice, soft hair.
- Um, Devlin.
You haven't taken one of those E's, have you? How dare you! I necked the whole bag.
I'm tripping my face off here.
Hey, who fancies knobbing me while I'm off my tits? Yeah, you'll do.
I hate him so much.
Yet, weirdly, you also want to be him.
That's Christ, that's absolutely true.
I'm not sure this is the right time to say this, but I think I've fused something in my ass.
Make way for Lady Trouble Hold tight, it's a big girl's fight You're deep in Lady Trouble Make way for Lady Trouble Hold tight, it's a big girl's fight You're deep in Lady Trouble Lady Trouble!