Nobodies (2017) s01e02 Episode Script

1 It's our third meeting at Paramount in a week.
Pretty impressive.
Mm-hmm.
Bet they want to talk to us about "next steps.
" - Mm.
- You know, marketing.
Uh, action figures.
Sequel ideas.
Things like that.
I bet they want to talk to us about the script that we wrote, and maybe give us some notes on the script that we wrote.
Well, they know Melissa McCarthy's not coming to the meeting, and they still wanna have it, so We're gonna be so rich! What a grotesque human being you are.
- (laughing) - (elevator bell chimes) Oh, my God.
It's Allison Janney.
Hello.
Hello.
(sighs) She'd be great in our movie, huh? Is that weird, though, 'cause she was on "The West Wing," and ours is in the White House? - Shh, shh - No, it's not weird.
It's perfect.
It's typecasting.
It's great.
I can hear you.
(chuckling) I'm right here.
- Just ask her.
- You ask her.
- Just ask her.
Ask her! - She's right here.
Uh, Allison Janney, we wrote a movie called "Mr.
First Lady," but the first lady is a man.
- Ooh - Right? We should give her the elevator pitch.
We're in an actual elevator.
Please don't.
Let me just really real quick, okay She just said please don't.
Okay, let me just tell you the title.
I already said the title.
It's a classic fish-out-of-water story.
You've seen it a million times.
That's always fun for the moviegoer, isn't it? (chuckling) Yeah.
We're almost at our floor.
Okay, so Alice - Whoa! - Actually, my name is Allison.
Right, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
There's a word that'll just put this all in - Okay, okay.
- Take your hands off me! (whispering) I'm sorry.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Good luck, it sounds very funny or dramatic or I'm sure I'll see you at the Oscars.
You know what? Can we maybe get your contact information so we can send you a script? Oh, absolutely.
Do you have a pen? - Uh do you have a pen? - Uh, yes.
Where's a pen? Do you have a pen? Don't have a pen.
Well, thanks for playin'.
(stammering) Well, we're off to a great start.
I did have a pen.
So how's your friend Melissa McCarthy? Oh, she's so good.
She's great, yep.
She says hello.
Oh, you've spoken to her recently? Oh, yeah, I mean Good friends talk all the time.
(Larry) Check in, we speak.
Yeah, "How you doin'?" "Good.
What's up?" - You know.
- Mm-hmm.
You know, I wanted to speak to her the last time you were here.
You know, when you brought her here for that meeting.
But I must have missed her.
I don't know how.
I mean, I, uh, was right there by the elevator the whole time.
I mean, I waited and waited.
And waited some more.
Gavin waited a very long time.
Well, I'm sure Melissa just, uh, decided to take the stairs, you know.
- Um - (Gavin) Oh, right, yeah! You mean, uh, the stairs in the far west of the building? Probably, that sounds like Melissa.
Or do you mean the stairs in the far east? (Grace) This picture was taken on the same day that you said Melissa was in the bathroom.
I meant the bathroom in Singapore.
(Larry) Because of the food in Singapore is Oily egg rolls and And sushi and Greasy sushi.
Oh, shut up! God, shut up, shut up, shut up! You just shut up! (panting) (gasps) Do you know what you did? - Uh - It's rhetorical! Shut up! Just shut your stupid faces up! (growling) You wasted my time.
(Grace) Time is very important to Gavin.
Time is more precious than gold.
You guys write on a kids' cartoon, right? Yes, "The Fartlemans.
" And do you like your jobs? - Not really.
- Well - No.
Ohh (chuckling) So glad! Because that is the only job you shit-faces will ever have! The three of you will never work in this town, ever again.
We're gonna destroy you.
We have the power to do that.
And I don't care how much time it takes.
Time means nothing to me! Wait, he called you shit-faces? I think he meant shit-heads, but he's foreign, so maybe that's how they say it over there.
Oof.
What did Melissa say after you told her? We haven't told her.
We never even told her that we lied and said she was gonna be in our movie in the first place.
Wow, guys, this is bad.
- Really? - Yes! This is Hollywood.
People talk.
Everyone will find out about this.
I mean, your careers are probably damaged beyond repair.
I mean, at the very least, on a human level, at least try to salvage your friendship with Melissa.
Maybe I text her.
Right? I could say something like, "Hey! Uh, Melissa, this crazy thing happened.
" Yeah, it was a mix-up.
And it it was innocent.
It could have happened to anybody.
Snafu! Is that a word? Like No, can you just can you please just Just stop, please.
Just for one second.
Let's just think and not do yet another dumb, impulsive thing.
- Could you fix it? - Oh.
Just call up Gavin.
Smooth it all out.
You know him.
Oh, God, no, I can't be associated with something like this.
I'm taking a script out next week.
I don't want Gavin thinking I'm a liar, because I'm, you know, "friends" with you guys.
Why'd you do that? Oop! I gotta go.
It is 8:00, and I've got an improv show at The Groundlings.
Okay, just don't tell anyone at The Groundlings about this, okay? Please.
At least not the famous ones.
They're gonna find out.
I mean, Gavin Resic is gonna make sure everyone finds out.
Anyway, have a good night.
Bye-ee! (groans) Well, nothing yet.
I keep refreshing Deadline, and I'm not seeing anything about "do not work with Hugh, Larry, and Rachel.
" Oh, you really think there's gonna be an announcement in the trades? "Do not work with the following three people you've never heard of"? Computer froze.
I gotta restart.
This'll take a while.
So what'd you guys get into last night, huh? Anyone get laid? Dorf, huh? You get laid last night? Uh, I'm married.
Ooh, hoo hoo.
Look at that.
So Dorf gets it any time he wants it, huh? Yes, that's exactly how marriage works.
What about you, Davidson? Single guy, huh? You get any of that punani last night, huh? Hey have you ever had sex with Rachel? All the animators want to have sex with Rachel.
Look at what Ken Choi drew me.
(whispering) Look at this.
Oh (Hugh) My God.
Ugh you will not believe what happened to me this morning.
Was it this? Is this supposed to be me? I'll throw it away.
Yeah, I'll just take uh, I'll just throw it away.
- Scoot.
- Yeah.
(sighs) Nothing on Deadline yet? No, I'm refreshing it.
Mornin', Team Fartleman.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I just heard something very interesting about the three of you.
Looks like you three are gonna be in the kids' business for a long, long time.
Oh, my God.
How did you hear? Talked to Nickelodeon.
We're number one with boys two to six.
(giggling) I think it was moving "The Fartlemans" in front of "Banana Pants.
" And that was your idea, Allen! (goofy voice) Was it? Yes it waaas! (both laughing) Hey, we should celebrate, guys.
Seriously, if we keep this up, we're gonna be pleasing two-to six-year-old boys for the rest of our careers.
Oh, okay.
We are back.
This is episode 306, "Skippy's New Dog.
" Right now, we're 34 seconds over, so these guys have to decide whether to cut the scene where Mrs.
Fartleman farts at the parent-teacher conference, or whether to cut the scene where the dog has diarrhea.
I don't envy you guys.
Let's take a look at diarrhea, see how we feel.
Let's look at diarrhea.
(sighs) (man on monitor) Skippy get your dog out of the bathroom.
(laughing) (gas and plopping from monitor) - (long fart) - Watch out! (laughing) We are not losing diarrhea, nope.
(farting on monitor) Hey, there's no toilet paper! I just wish Gavin would get it out there already.
It's just the waiting, I-I can't take the waiting! "Ben Falcone voice mail.
" My ringer was off.
Why is your ringer always off? 'Cause he always tells me to turn my ringer off! 'Cause we had a big meeting.
Which we'll never have another one, so just leave it on.
Do you think Gavin called Ben and Melissa directly? Oh, my God.
What do I do? Do I listen to it? No, put it in your desk drawer and set it on fire.
Okay, I'm gonna delete it.
Delete, yes! No, don't delete it.
Here.
I don't wanna listen to it! (phone beeps) Hey, Rachel, it's Ben! Give me a call.
We gotta talk.
- (Hugh) Great.
- Oh, God.
(sighs) Do I call? Yeah, call him.
Let's do it.
Well, can you call? Well, he called you.
It'd be weird if I call him.
Don't yell at me! You can say it without yelling! (phone line ringing) I just It was harsh.
- It was a little harsh.
- (beep) Got his voice mail.
Do I leave a message? Yes.
Oh, my God, he's not picking up, he's so mad.
Uh, hey, Ben! It's Rachel.
Um, calling on behalf of Larry and Hugh.
Uh, just to say we're sorry.
- We're so sorry and ashamed.
- Rachel, hang up.
- Shh.
- And, um - Rachel, hang up.
- Look, look, look, look! I don't know what we were thinking, - but, um - Rachel, hang up the phone.
- Our behavior was horrible.
- Look.
And, uh, but I hope you can remember that we're friends, and we have history together.
- Just hang up.
- And we will always Just trust me, trust me, trust me.
What is wrong with you?! Look what he's got, look.
Gavin and Grace were fired? - What? - Give it.
Gimme, gimme, gimme that.
Uh Uh, Hollywood studio, film executives, development, na-na-na-na-na.
Gavin Resic and Grace Sloane let go.
- This is amazing.
- Amazing.
- This is crazy! - Amazing! This is a bullet dodge! This is this is incredible! That's crazy.
I mean, it's like one minute you're up, - next minute you're down.
- Down.
Now they're down, we're up.
- Up.
(gasps) - This is (sighs) All right, what's our next move? I think we dump Melissa.
She was nothing but problems - from the beginning.
- Yeah, done.
Uh, what about Mya? Maybe Mya would want to do the movie? Get on the Mya Rudolph gravy train.
- I like it.
- Right? Why don't you text her? Maybe you text her.
You're better friends.
Right, and better coming from me.
Girl-on-girl.
- Yes, "girl-on-girl.
" - Right? - Girl-on-girl's better.
- Always.
Are you forgetting that you just left an insane message on Ben's phone? I'm gonna call him.
- What are you gonna say? - Shut up! - (beep) - Hey, Ben! It's Rachel.
Um, I hope you just got my very funny joke voice mail that I just left for you.
(laughing) And you're laughing as much as we are over here at "The Fartlemans.
" Wishing you were here.
Hold on one second, someone's calling.
Oh, that's you! You're calling.
Uh, so I am gonna switch over.
But just make sure if you listen to my first message, that you listen to this one.
This one's more important, okay? And if you didn't listen to the first message Rachel, click over.
Click over, you're gonna miss the call.
Okay, I'll talk to you in one second.
"Missed call, Ben Falcone.
" - Oh, my God! - Yes.
Because you didn't click over.
Can you not yell at me every two seconds! (phone pings) Oh! "Ben Falcone, voice mail.
" (phone beeps) Hey, Rach, it's Ben! We're playing phone tag, I guess.
Um, so, about when you came over the other night.
It was obvious that you had a script you wanted to show me, but for some reason, you didn't.
And I'm guessing you felt weird, but, I mean, seriously, you shouldn't.
I mean, you guys are such great writers, and if you wrote something, I always want to see it.
So, anyway, I'm rambling now.
But just give me a call when you get a second, okay? Et cetera, et cetera.
All right, love you, bye-ee! - (beep) - What? - I'm sorry, Mya Rudolph.
- Wow.
But the gravy train is leaving the station.
And Melissa McCarthy is back on board.
Ooh! Toot, toot! (Hugh sighs) This time, let's just be transparent and direct.
(both) Transparent and direct.
Oh, my God, you're just repeating things.
You guys are not even listening.
We wrote the script for Melissa.
- Right.
- We would like her to be in it.
Please.
That's it.
- Yeah.
- Yeah! - 'Cause we're adults.
- Right.
And adults say what they want.
- Yes.
- (shouts) Hey! Oh, my We want Melissa to be in this thing.
You don't have to be so aggressive.
Just calm down.
We're just gonna be direct.
I am calm, I'm just trying to get my point across.
(Ben) She's actually still in Asia Hello Hey.
Hey, guys, sorry, sorry.
Yeah, no, she gets back on Saturday.
She's in Asia still, though.
(whispering) Who you talking to? - Angelina.
- (gasps) Yeah, okay.
No, these are just my friends.
(squealing) Angelina Jolie.
Yeah.
So let's do Sunday.
(whispering) Angelina Jolie.
(whispering) Sunday, Sunday.
Oh, my gosh, he knows Angelina Jolie.
(Ben, whispering) It's not that Angelina.
Sounds good, Angie.
- All right, bye.
- (Larry) Now, Ben Rachel told me about an expensive wine that you guys enjoyed the other night.
(chuckling) You guys are so gross.
They are gross.
I am not gross.
I do not want to drink any of your expensive wine.
I'm only interested in your expensive scotch.
Ooh.
All right.
I mean, this is insulting.
There's zero photos of me.
Well (chuckling) Who's this clown in the bowtie? (Rachel) That's Paul Skidmore.
Who's Paul Skidmoore? Are you kidding? He's like a really famous comedy director.
He directed "The Friendly Skies" with Melissa.
- Never saw it.
- (scoffs) - (Ben) Larry - Mm-hmm? Are you noticing there's no photos of you? We're gonna get one put up soon, I promise.
- No, you're good with what you have.
- I didn't even notice.
Ooh, that's a nice pour.
Okay.
(Ben) Um, let's get the business part out of the way, so we can just have some fun.
'Cause I wanna see the script.
I'm excited.
(humming "Hail to the Chief") You'll get it after you see the title.
(giggling) "Mr.
First Lady.
" Ooh, that's good.
That's a good hook.
(Ben) Ooh, that's funny.
Yeah, about America's first male first lady.
Which we almost had.
In this, we have the president.
She's a smart ball-buster of a woman.
And her husband, the first lady, is a nitwit.
It's a big comedy.
There's our elevator pitch.
(Ben) Could I just say, I'm so flattered.
Mm.
Hmm? I'm so flattered that you would think of me to play Mr.
First Lady.
I mean, I just I don't get many offers to act anymore.
Everybody thinks of Melissa as the actor in the family, and, um And I'm happy for her success.
It's like I would never, like, begrudge her that.
And we're not even in the same category, so it's not like a competition.
Of course, um Just the fact that you guys thought of me to play this role means a lot.
So, um, this is very unexpected.
And, uh, very exciting.
(whispering) Yeah, you do it.
Um, Ben you know, actually We wrote it for you.
We wrote it for you, and we were afraid to say it, but now we said it, so it's it's out there, and when I think about it, I'm, "Ben Falcone.
He's an actor, he's the actor in the family.
" And I get so sad if I think of you not acting.
Because it's that's a gift, is You you you have a gift.
And if you don't gift it to the world and share it, it's like, what what what what what what's happening, you know, if Ben's not acting (muffled) Thanks, Rach.
(gulping) You mind if I get some more scotch? No, go ahead, go ahead.
I'm just gonna dig into this.
Can I use your bathroom? Uh, sure.
The one out there is uh, the best one.
(patrons chattering) I do feel like I'm partially to blame for that.
Partially? Did you want me to hurt his feelings? I mean, what was I supposed to say? Literally, there was nothing else I could say.
Uh, how 'bout, uh, "Ben this is awkward, but, actually, we wrote this for Melissa.
" No one talks like that.
(Larry) I actually think this is good.
I do, I think this is actually reason to celebrate.
Oh! I mean, Ben's a known commodity.
He's an actor.
He's acted in, um "Joey.
" He's done stuff since "Joey.
" - Right? - "Bridesmaids.
" He was the air marshal in "Bridesmaids.
" Yes, and he was wonderful in that.
He lost himself in the role.
He chewed the scenery, as they say.
That's not a good thing.
He never chews the scenery.
- There you go.
- That's his thing.
That's his brand.
Maybe if Ben's in it, Melissa will want to be in it.
'Cause they work together all the time, and then this way, instead of us, like, suggesting it, Melissa will just sort of be naturally tricked into doing it.
Tricked?! So so it's not bad enough that we lied to some insane executive at Paramount, now we're lying to Ben? Who is our friend.
And exploiting the fact that he's married to Melissa McCarthy, who is also our friend.
We're not exploiting Ben.
How are we not? Uh, it's very simple.
Okay, Ben is the cheese.
Okay, the script is the trap.
And Melissa is the rat.
(smacks teeth) Right? Come here, Melissa I like this scheme.
"Scheme"! "Rat"! Do you hear yourselves? I gotta go.
Leave on a high note.
We figured it out.
I thought we were celebrating.
Jen's been texting me.
I gotta go pick up cough medicine for the boys.
I'm sure I'm walking into an unpleasant, germ-filled nightmare.
Uh, we're good here? We're all square? You didn't put in any money.
Okay, well, I'll see you tomorrow.
(laughing) (clears throat) So do you wanna get another one, or do you gotta get home to Lois? No, she's with her dad tonight.
So I'm free as a bird.
How 'bout you, do you have to get home to Pat? Oh, my 40-year-old roommate? I guess I probably should, but maybe it's good for him to be independent every once in a while.
(chuckling) Uh, red wine? Or Should we do shots? Oh, what are we, in seventh grade? (laughing) Seventh grade? Where'd you go to school? The school of hard knocks.
Oh.
Um no, I'll have a red wine.
- That's good.
- Okay.
No, I'll have a martini! (chuckling) Uh, a martini.
And ("Don't Kill the Mood" by The Burning Effigies) (groans softly) I didn't see the news I was watching cartoons They get a man on the street They're looking for blood I got a dugout in my mind I intend to hide there I got my supplies (latch opens) And camouflage Let's pretend it's okay Don't let them kill the mood Let's let on it's all right Don't say you're scared We can hide from the fight And pretend it's all right We got time, we'll survive It's all right This might be the end This might be just a glitch I need someone to program me Show me which Ohh! (wincing) A sigh of relief To help me suspend My disbelief (whimpers) Let's pretend it's okay Don't let them kill the mood Let's let on it's all right Don't say you're scared We can hide from the fight And pretend it's all right