Nobody Wants This (2024) s01e02 Episode Script

1
[gentle music playing]
Rabbi.
Joanne. Are you a member of this temple?
You guys do memberships? Is there a gym?
- We don't work out.
- Oh.
Uh, I have to finish up a few things here,
but feel like waiting for me?
- Yeah.
- [Noah] Meet you at the side entrance?
- Of course. Do your thing.
- [Noah] Okay.
- And I'm gonna do it.
- 'Kay.
- That's not us.
- It's not?
- [Noah] No.
- Oh.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Who was that shiksa?
And why were you standing so close to her?
I don't think I was standing that close.
An old friend.
- Just haven't seen her in a while.
- What friend? I don't know her.
Mom, you don't know all my friends.
Yes, I do.
- Okay.
- Does she have a degree?
- Ilan.
- I think I think I think so, yes. Yes.
[gentle music continues]
[exhales]
- Rabbi! How are you?
- Hi! I'm good. How you doing?
- It's a beautiful service.
- Thank you.
I just wanted to tell you
my son just finished his student film.
Oh! Awesome.
It's a documentary
about the history of documentaries.
- Wonderful.
- I cannot wait for you to see the trailer.
- You'll send it to me.
- No, no. No need to send.
- We can watch it now. It's wonderful.
- Oh.
Excuse me, ma'am!
There's no loitering here.
You have to clear the area.
Oh, sure.
[Joanne scoffs]
- Oh, you're serious?
- Very.
- It's very Scorsese.
- be able to Yes.
- Love him.
- [woman] Right?
- Not Jewish, but
- No Spielberg, but we love him.
- That's right! You're funny. Here we go.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm waiting for someone.
I'm not gonna stand down the street
where I could get murdered.
That's a bit dramatic.
Murder is dramatic, isn't it?
We need a second person
overseeing the raffle entries.
Sure. Okay, listen. Abe, I am going
to prioritize the integrity of the raffle.
- Full integrity. I have to run.
- Promises?
Full integrity.
Oh my God, it's my sister.
We haven't spoken in years.
What If you don't mind!
Hi! Oh my God! Are you okay?
Where do you live now?
[Morgan] Okay, this is a crazy energy.
Should I call you back?
No, we're good. What's up?
[Morgan] Okay, so Ashley called and says
we need to prep for the Spotify meeting.
Apparently, they might wanna
rebrand the podcast, maybe even retitle.
Something that screams sex.
Okay. I mean,
we can talk about it, I guess.
Okay.
- What are you doing right now?
- Okay, try and follow along.
- Um, I was on a bad date
- Mm-hmm. Checks out.
[Joanne] Ashley texted me and said
that the rabbi was asking about me.
So I walked out on the bad date,
and I came to his temple.
I'm sorry.
So, you're at a temple right now?
Yeah, this big-ass temple
right off Wilshire. It's really beautiful.
And you just showed up, like,
ten minutes after he asked about you?
Well, I'm not sure of the exact timing,
but for this conversation's purposes, yes.
- Oh my God. I'm cringing for you.
- [Joanne] Well, don't.
- He was very happy to see me.
- [Morgan] Mmm, okay.
- And what are you doing now?
- He asked me to wait outside.
- Oh my God.
- [Joanne] Not in a bad way.
Is there a good way?
How long have you been standing outside?
Like 15 minutes.
Oh my God.
[Joanne] There is this security guard
asking me to leave
Oh my God. This sounds so bad
when I'm saying it out loud.
Okay, he doesn't want you there,
so just get in the car and leave.
I can't. I Ubered.
I'm close to Koreatown.
I'll grab you in a few minutes.
Okay, I'll send you my location.
I don't know a mohel in Seattle.
I'll make some calls. See what I can do.
- I have to go right now.
- Good luck with your grandson's penis.
Okay. Hey, do you wanna go take a gummy,
hang out in my basement, play Wii Tennis?
No. I have to meet someone outside.
Who? Wait. Are you going to see
the goy you were cupcaking with?
Cup Maybe, probably.
Listen, will you cover for me?
- What? No, I'm gonna go with you.
- Please!
When we were kids, I took you everywhere.
- I took you everywhere.
- Then let's do that again!
Fine. I don't care. Come.
Just don't tell Esther.
Come on, man. I'm not gonna tell Esther.
[Esther] What?
Oh, hey, honey, there you are.
I was looking all over for you.
- Right here. Yeah.
- I'm gonna go shut this shiksa shit down.
Okay? It's just disrespectful.
Okay? I love you.
[Esther] I love you.
- Oh, thank God.
- [Joanne] Don't know what I was thinking.
Joanne!
- Let's go. Oh my God.
- Hey!
- [Morgan] Pretend you don't see him.
- We made eye contact.
- Well, close your eyes.
- Close my eyes?
- [Morgan] I don't know. Get in.
- Sorry I couldn't get out of there faster.
All good.
- Fifteen minutes is rude. You know?
- This is my sister, Morgan.
- Hi, Morgan.
- [Morgan] Hi.
Are you sure it was 15 minutes?
Felt more like ten to me.
I'm sorry. Are you gaslighting us?
Nope. I think it was 15 minutes.
I'm really sorry about that. It wasn't
cool. Will you accept my apology?
I told you I like attention.
I was getting a lot there.
Yeah, I saw.
Who's this?
- Ah.
- Oh, hi. I've been dying to speak.
I'm Sasha. Noah's hotter older brother.
So, uh, what are we doing?
Well, we are going for a drink
to discuss work, so
Really? I'm kind of tired.
That sounds great. I can do one drink.
What are you doing? What's happening?
Why is he getting in the car?
I'm getting in the car
to go for one drink.
We just talked about this.
- Okay, Joanne?
- [Sash] What's her problem?
- [Noah] Do you want us to come?
- All right.
It's totally up to you.
Come on.
I'm very sorry I kept you waiting.
I was desperately trying to get out here.
Tell me you want me to come.
I just want you to know
that he blew off our mother to see you.
And she is a nightmare.
Did you put on the child lock?
- It's true.
- [Morgan] Yes, I did.
[groans] Fine, I want you to come.
- Say it a little louder.
- I want you to come!
Okay, okay.
You don't have to yell. I'll come.
- [Sasha] Are these all sweaters?
- [Morgan] Please don't touch my stuff.
[Sasha] It's kind of hard not to.
There's so much of it.
[Morgan] Okay, so we're going?
[Sasha] I'll just hang on to these.
Well
- Oh, I need to charge my phone.
- [Sasha] I need to charge my phone too.
- What percentage are you on?
- You're not borrowing my charger.
Can I jump in front? I'm at 22.
[Noah] That's plenty.
- [electronic voice] Connected.
- [Sasha] I use it a lot.
Oh, my best friend's mom
got into a bike accident right over there.
[Noah] That's a good story.
- [Sasha] Yeah.
- [sent text tone]
- [text alert tone]
- [electronic voice] Message from Morgan.
He's cuter than I expected.
He doesn't look that Jewish.
- Oh my God.
- Morgan.
- [electronic voice] Next message.
- Stop.
[electronic voice] The brother is brutal.
Ogre emoji.
- [Joanne] Okay, that's not
- Vomit emoji.
[Morgan] Unplug the phone!
I'm so sorry about my sister,
with whom I have since cut ties.
Listen, that feature has gotten me
into some very bad situations.
But that was
that was top three, for sure.
If I may inquire,
what does Jewish look like to you?
- [Sasha] I had the same question.
- No.
Are you picturing a bigger nose
or, like, curlier hair?
Does my brother not look like
he could control the media?
There are very, very attractive Jews
in the world
- No
- That's not
- Paul Rudd. You might not know.
- [Sasha] Seen young Mandy Patinkin?
I'm getting a half sandwich
thinking about him.
Old Mandy Patinkin, I would take.
Or maybe we just all look the same,
and it's hard to differentiate.
- Absolutely not.
- That's more the point.
- I know you didn't mean anything by it.
- [Morgan] Thank you.
- Okay, so you're not offended?
- No.
It was directed at me,
so you should probably be asking me
if I'm offended, but
He's not offended. He's just happy
people are talking about him.
It's kind of true.
[upbeat music playing]
Three Casitas.
- Appreciate it.
- Thank you.
- And one seltzer with lime.
- [Sasha] Thank you.
I got this. I'm independently wealthy
'cause my family's rich.
That's not what independently wealthy
means, but good for you.
Don't listen to his nonsense.
Let's just toast. L'chaim.
- [Sasha] Oh.
- Yeah.
- L'chaim.
- L'chaim.
- [Morgan] Cheers.
- [Joanne] Cheers.
- Disgusting.
- [Sasha] This is pretty exciting.
It's not every day a shiksa walks into
the temple looking for the good rabbi.
- A "shiska"? What is that?
- A shiksa.
It's basically
Um, well, it's basically you guys.
Okay.
Is it offensive or flattering?
I can't tell.
Technically, it's a Yiddish insult
that means you're impure and detestable.
But these days, it just means
you're a hot, blonde non-Jew.
That's actually
a perfect description of me.
Okay, so really unlikable, but also hot.
Maybe that should be
our new podcast title. Shiksas.
I don't No.
No one's gonna know what it means.
What's the podcast called now?
- It's called Nobody Wants This.
- I like it.
- Ooh, what about Slutty Shiksas?
- Ooh, see, now I'm listening.
Morgan, I don't wanna be
some knockoff of Call Her Daddy.
Oh, yeah, I get why you wouldn't want
a $60 million podcast deal.
- Sorry.
- [Joanne sighs]
- Noah, do you wanna get some air?
- Yeah.
No, no! Don't leave me stranded with him.
[Morgan sighs]
A lot of tension between you guys.
No, this isn't happening.
Oh, we're going outside? Okay.
I'm sorry. I don't know why
that pissed me off so much. It's so dumb.
You're just like this serious rabbi,
and I'm complaining about a podcast
where, honestly, we talk about sex a lot.
Yeah, I know. I listened.
- Oh God.
- [Noah] Yeah.
To which episode?
I listened to "Dil-do's and Dil-dont's."
- Oh! Okay.
- Learned a lot.
That would not have been
my first choice for you.
- Really?
- Um
Just so you know, sex isn't,
like, the point of the podcast.
- Does that make sense?
- Yeah, I get that. Yeah.
I feel you just want your audience to feel
as comfortable opening up as you do.
Exactly. I want 'em to feel empowered.
Plus, now I know what to dil-do
and dil-don't.
You a Swifty?
No, just pretending to look at songs
so we don't have to talk.
And didn't you go to high school?
Our friends are hooking up. Be cool.
I know I have a thing about me that
makes people wanna elbow me in the jaw.
- Yeah.
- My wife says
I'm sorry. You're married?
Yeah.
Oh my God, you have
no husband energy at all. That's scary.
I'm wearing a wedding ring.
I haven't been looking at you.
[Noah] Do you think there's any flip side
to everyone knowing
every intimate detail of your life?
Like, you know, once you say something,
you can never get it back.
Jesus. How dark are your secrets?
Well, my parents are very big on privacy.
They're immigrant Jews from Russia.
Back then, it was the Soviet Union.
If you just said your name out loud,
it could be dangerous
if it sounded too Jewish.
Well, I get that.
From where they're coming from.
But in today's society, where it's,
you know, not dangerous to be open,
I think it's a lot more healthy.
Yeah. I mean, to a point, right?
But what's that point?
Do we really need to tiptoe around all of
these issues that make us uncomfortable,
or is that part of the problem?
Like money and relationships and sex.
I think if more people said out loud
what they like, what they don't like,
they'd realize it's totally normal,
and they'd carry around a lot less shame.
I guess.
- Well, let's test my theory.
- Okay.
- Will you tell me one of your secrets?
- One of my secrets?
- [Joanne] Yeah.
- Might need another drink first.
Okay. Uh, baby steps.
No, wait, wait. I'll tell you.
I learned to read kind of late.
That's really sweet.
Thanks.
Like, how late is late?
Like, a grade.
That's not that bad.
We gotta go deeper. Oh
Yeah. I have eczema!
Everyone has eczema.
- Really?
- [Joanne] Yes!
Oh. I didn't know that.
- Just try it.
- [Noah] Yeah?
Opening up about something
that makes you uncomfortable.
It helps people connect to you.
- Okay.
- [car horn honks]
It's like 1989 or Red
or the one with the snake, which
Please, stop.
[car horn honking]
- Is someone's mom here?
- [honking continues]
Sasha!
- Oh boy. That's, uh That's for me.
- [Joanne] What?
Sasha, you gonna pretend you don't see me?
That's insane.
And, Noah, are you serious?
One minute
you're getting engaged to Rebecca,
who you are getting back together with,
by the way,
and now you're here with whore number one
and whore number two?
I hope I'm whore number one.
- I'm sorry. She's intense.
- She's
She comes in hot.
It's not about you, obviously.
She'll burn out and then
she'll take a nap. She's like a puppy.
Sasha, if you're not out in ten seconds,
I'm running you over.
Ten,
nine,
eight
- This place is played out. I'm taking off.
- [Noah] I'm gonna stay.
- Seven!
- It's a pleasure.
- Mm.
- [Esther] Six!
You don't have to stay.
We're about to leave.
- Really?
- Yeah, I'm pretty tired.
[Sasha] Sorry. I didn't hear you in there.
Five, four, three, two, one.
- Hi, how's it going?
- Hi, sweetie. Good, dear. Noah!
- Sorry.
- That's fine. We're gonna head out.
[Sasha] Noah, come on!
- All right, well, I'll talk to you soon.
- Great. Talk to you soon.
Okay. All right. Bye. Bye.
- Engaged.
- [Morgan] I know.
Of course he's engaged.
[upbeat music playing]
[music fades]
[key clacking rhythmically]
Okay. Let's get it over with.
And, Mom, you know
that key is for emergencies only.
My son having a mental breakdown
is an emergency.
Now, you explain to me how this woman
got her claws
into my beautiful, beautiful son.
Did she mention Jesus to you?
'Cause sometimes they try to recruit you.
- Okay. You guys, it's not
- [Esther] Rebecca knows about her.
What's there to know?
That you brought her to temple
and stood, like, weirdly close to her.
How does she know that?
Because you told her?
She's my best friend, you dipshit.
Course I told her.
And you, Esther, allowing Sasha
to go out with them last night?
[scoffs] She has a sister, you know?
Oh, I saw the sister. Not worried.
I mean, she was clearly into me,
but obviously, I would never
- [Esther] Honey.
- Noah, you had your fun.
You tested it out,
and it's not what you want.
- Says who?
- E Excuse me?
Sorry.
[mom] What you gonna do?
What? You gonna turn your whole life
upside down for this girl?
This is all a little dramatic.
No, I don't think it is.
I mean, I'm sure you already know
that no one could take a rabbi seriously
who is dating a shiksa.
Let alone marrying one.
- Okay.
- [mom chuckles]
So
I don't mind looking like
the overprotective mother.
Mom, we just met. Everyone's getting
way ahead of themselves.
No, I don't think we are.
And I'm not even including her "s"
podcast.
Oh God. What's an "s" podcast?
Oh, our mom can't say the word sex.
Not even to me.
[upbeat music playing]
Sure. Okay, sex sells, but this podcast
is about so much more than sex.
It's about empowerment.
It's a textbook example
of fourth-wave feminism.
We're talking about your podcast, right?
- I was gonna ask the same question.
- [laughs awkwardly] Yeah, exactly.
Joanne, don't overthink it.
The whole reason we started this was
so we could get free skincare sent to us.
[all chuckle]
If we acquire your show,
you won't need free stuff anymore.
So, what's up, guys?
One-year check-in. How's married life?
- Um, I think we're in a good place.
- [woman] Yeah.
- Sure, okay.
- [man] But I think
I think it's good.
- [man] It's good.
- Okay.
Uh, you know what? I'm gonna go first.
I don't think it's a bad idea
to admit that our podcast
is about something bigger, right?
Our audience seems to get that.
Noah definitely got it.
My own relationship recently blew up.
Rebecca dumped you?
Uh, did she dump I'd say it's
the other way around. It doesn't matter.
Well, she's gonna be fine.
I mean, she's got a lot of options, so
Beautiful girl.
Oh, yeah, for sure. I mean
Cool. So the rabbi
you wanna fuck agrees with you.
- Please stop.
- What? You wanna fuck him.
Of course I wanna fuck him,
but I'm not going to.
He was engaged,
and the whole thing feels shady.
You were never gonna end up with a rabbi.
- She hates religion.
- No, I don't.
Plus she was a lesbian for a year.
I think that's where she thrived.
- God, I really did.
- Yeah.
Anyway, please stop lecturing these people
so we can get back to our podcast,
which is all about dicks.
- That's what I was thinking too.
- [Morgan] Thank you.
It doesn't matter what you talk about.
This is what matters. You two.
- Perfect.
- Great.
The thing about Rebecca and I is
we never really talked to each other.
I mean, like, we talked,
but we didn't say anything. Nothing real.
We just had these circular conversations.
We never got into anything uncomfortable,
and then, you know,
suddenly, three years later,
you don't really know each other.
So let's learn from my mistakes.
What do you wanna say to each other?
What do you want the other to hear?
Jess, you wanna go?
There's a reason why I work so hard.
I don't wanna become my mother.
I'm, like, petrified from it.
When my dad left, she couldn't
[pensive music playing]
- [message alert whooshes]
- [scoffs]
[music fades]
[pensive music resumes]
[music fades]
- Hello.
- You don't have to do that.
I know. But I am doing it
because I'm a gentleman.
A gentleman I never would have spoken to
had I known you were engaged.
Uh, not engaged.
Almost, yes, but it never happened.
That's an important distinction.
Mm.
Regardless, hey, I didn't handle it right.
I told you, I was trying
to stay away from messy.
- [Noah] Yeah.
- This is very messy.
Okay. Well, for whatever it's worth,
I'm very sorry.
- [waiter] Hi there.
- Hi.
- Can I get something to drink?
- I'm okay. I'm not staying.
Oh.
I'm gonna have a Modelo, please.
Thanks.
Can I actually get a margarita? To go.
- Okay, we can't do that.
- They're not gonna do that.
Okay, well, then put it in a glass
you never wanna see again.
Fine.
Rebecca and I were never gonna work.
We just didn't fit.
And yet, everyone said we did,
so, you know, we stayed in it.
Rebecca sounds really pretty.
Like a chestnut brunette.
Perfect teeth. Thick hair.
I have really thin hair just so you know.
- I don't think so.
- There's a lot of it, but it's very fine.
She has thick hair, doesn't she?
- It's thick.
- [Joanne] I knew it.
- I've lost my watch in it.
- Oh my God.
[chuckles]
- What What now?
- Well, I don't know.
As established, I'm definitely very fresh
off of a long-term relationship.
Plus, you and I come
from such different worlds.
- It'd be very hard to pull off.
- I'm gonna stop you.
You can't friend-zone me
because I already friend-zoned you.
Oh, 100%. I am agreeing
that that's likely the best call.
Still kind of rude.
Please don't steal my thunder.
Understood.
- Can I get some bread too, please?
- Mm-hmm.
Are you staying?
Undecided.
Well, look
- [waitress] Some bread.
- Thank you.
I wanna thank you for talking about
why you did your podcast.
I was flailing today
when I was counseling this couple,
and suddenly, your voice
your voice popped in my head.
- My voice?
- Yeah.
Did I say, "Noah, talk about dicks."
No. No. It was a different voice.
And, um, I was thinking
about how honest you are on it
and how that really helps people, and so
I tried opening up to this couple,
and it really helped.
So it's not just all about dicks.
- What you do is important.
- Thank you!
That's what I keep trying to tell people.
Can I get you something to start?
Okay, I was thinking about a salad.
Sure. We have a chopped,
a wedge, and a green goddess.
I'll take the chopped, please. No bacon.
- [waiter] Okay.
- [Noah] Thank you.
Can I actually get a wedge?
- Extra bacon.
- Wow.
[waiter] Sure.
L'chaim.
L'chaim.
[man] Oh wow! Really?
Tell me more about Rebecca.
I think I'm obsessed with her.
- Oh, creepy.
- [Joanne chuckles]
Um, what do you wanna know?
- Anything that'll torture me.
- Okay.
- She's prettier without makeup.
- Of course.
Uh
She's weirdly good at math.
Calls her grandparents every day.
Um
- She's super funny.
- She's funny?
- Fuck me!
- Just kidding. She's not funny at all.
- She's not?
- No.
No. [laughs]
- I think you're gonna get back together.
- Really?
And I think that you should.
You deserve to be with someone
who calls their grandparents at all.
[cell phone chimes]
Oh. My Uber is gonna be here soon.
Yeah, mine's close too.
Thank you. Glad we did this.
Me too.
Isn't it crazy that we never kissed
this whole time? How did that happen?
Yeah. I'm very aware
we haven't kissed yet.
- Yet?
- [Noah] Yeah.
- But we're just friends.
- [Noah] Sure.
And friends don't kiss, which is why,
you know, I'm aware we haven't.
But what if we had
just, like, one goodbye kiss?
Hmm.
[romantic music playing]
Hand me your ice cream.
Put your bag down.
[romantic music intensifying]
I mean, is there a world where this works?
Yeah
[cell phone rings]
Sorry. Damn.
Everything okay?
Yeah. Sorry. It's work.
Unfortunately, a rabbi is always on call.
I should take this.
My Uber's here anyway.
Okay.
♪just life ♪
I lived it twice ♪
I treat you right ♪
- Okay. Go, go, go.
- All right.
The way you taught ♪
- All right. Bye.
- Bye.
Bye.
♪just life ♪
I lived it twice ♪
So say good night ♪
Don't say it softly ♪
If you see her out there ♪
Behind the wheel ♪
Beck, are you okay?
Oh God, I hope she escapes ♪
Whole damn world is a cage ♪
But that's just life ♪
I lived it twice ♪
I treat you right ♪
The way you taught me ♪
That's just life ♪
I lived it twice ♪
So say good night ♪
Don't say it softly ♪
But that's just life ♪
I lived it twice ♪
I treat you right ♪
The way you taught me ♪
That's just life ♪
I lived it twice ♪
So say good night ♪
[music fades]