Not Dead Yet (2023) s01e02 Episode Script

1
- Morning. One for you.
- Oh! Thank you.
One for me.
That is a very large coffee.
It's actually 13 shots of espresso.
It's been rough.
I'm having a hard time not
bringing work home with me.
Have you had your carbon
monoxide monitor checked?
- I smell gas.
- Yeah?
You afraid you're gonna die more?
And what do you know about robotics?
Fun fact the word "robot"
comes from the Czech word "robota,"
which means forced labor.
At least one of us doesn't have
to worry about heart disease.
For now.
I just don't think writing
obituaries is good for my head.
Ugh, I totally get it.
- Yeah.
- No, I don't. I'm sorry.
I love my job.
Oh, don't be sorry that
you're the lifestyle editor
and you have this massive office
with light and oxygen and dignity.
Also be glad you don't
have the weird intern
just following you
around, glaring at you.
Oh, yeah, Mason.
Thinks he's better than everyone
just because he went to Dartmouth.
Pretty confident for a guy
that gets dropped off
by his mom every morning.
His generation never got
bullied in high school.
- They're invincible.
- Mm.
Hey. Hi. I'm
The other intern who I
will delight in defeating.
Um, okay.
Um, but I'm not an intern.
Then why'd they give you my office?
- The storage closet?
- Yes, intern.
Must be because you're
like 25 years older than me
and they felt bad for you.
You do know I get paid to work here.
Doesn't mean you can steal my closet.
The battle of the interns is on.
Only one can survive.
Again, I'm not a Oh. Mnh. Never mind.
I wish I loved anything
as much as Tina loves salads.
You have two children.
- Yeeeeahhhhh.
- Mm.
Stop the presses!
Stop the presses!
Does she know that's
not a real thing anymore?
When she says that, it usually
means that her dad has called
and the numbers aren't good.
I just got off the phone with my father,
and the numbers for the paper
- are not good.
- Yeah.
That is creepy you speak Lexi.
Readership is down.
We need to find a way
to get eyeballs on us.
We need that clickety
clickety buzz buzz.
- Mm?
- Topical stories
- that are socially relevant.
- Ah.
You! You're young.
What drugs are you on?
We could write about that.
Claritin and an asthma
inhaler, as needed.
Yeah, well, that's
going to change, okay?
We'll do an exposé.
We're gonna enroll you
at Euphoria High School.
Somebody wire this kid up!
Lexi, Lexi, babe, remember,
Euphoria High School is
not a real high school.
Oh, right.
Thank you.
The point is we need better news, okay?
And good stories can come from anywhere.
Tina, leave the salad alone!
Come on, who's got something?
Please don't look at
me. Into the shadows.
- I'd like a chance to pitch.
- Oh, no.
I need young and relatable.
- You write about old and dead.
- Ouch.
Unless that translates
to something else?
It doesn't.
- Ouch.
- Mm.
Knock, knock.
Wow.
- Huh?
- This is still depressing.
So you want to tell Lexi I can
do more than write obituaries
and end my nightmare?
Girl, you know I would
if I could, but I can't.
But cheer up I have a little
something special for you.
A better smell for my office?
- No, that's in the walls.
- Yeah.
I have your next assignment.
Motivational speaker Jane Marvel
from her series Unleashing
Your Inner Tiger.
This helped me come out to my dad.
- Mm.
- Although, I think I got
some of the jargon wrong
because he thought I
was joining the Marines.
Anyway happy obit writing.
"Elevate your confidence
and become a majestic tiger
in 36 powerful steps."
Jane Marvel.
- Hello, tiger.
- Oh.
Who's ready to get the success they want
and want the success they get?
Oh, boy. M-kay.
So, what are you?
Are you my spiritual advisor?
- Hasta mañana, Becky.
- Okay.
Are you an angel?
Keep it real, Vernon.
Maybe I'm the angel?
That makes more sense.
Good luck with that MRI, Serena.
Thank you.
Nope, I've had it with you ghosts.
- You are not coming with me.
- Ghost?
- Oh.
- Oh, whoa, well
that's a perk.
Oh! What's next?
Look, lady, this is
how this is gonna go.
You'll follow me around,
annoying me for a day or two,
until I write your obituary.
They'll print it in
the back of the paper
- where no one will read it.
- Oh.
I'll have a mild panic
attack about my life,
- and then you'll move on.
- I've been in weirder spots.
Luckily for me,
I've recently made a
friend who owns a wine bar.
So I'm going to go there,
start at Chardonnay and
work my way to Zinfandel.
Oh.
- There you go.
- Cricket, I love your place.
- Aww!
- It's beautiful.
It's got you, it's got ambience,
it's got alcohol.
You know, Monty and I
met wine tasting in Spain.
- Mmm.
- We always dreamed
- of opening our own place.
- Mm.
We did, he died, and here I am.
How are you holding up?
- I'm all right.
- Yeah?
All of our customers have
been so kind and loving.
That's sweet.
Girl, it is getting on my nerves.
- What?
- No, I
I appreciate the sympathy, I do,
but I just wish people would
stop tiptoeing around me,
you know, and just be real.
I can't believe you did that
Thank you all so much for coming.
- Ohh.
- Oh, we're very sorry
- for your loss.
- Just know that grief comes in waves.
Oh, damn it, Nell. Not you, too.
It's a lovely metaphor.
- Grief is like the sea.
- Enh.
- Whatever, Cricket.
- Enh.
- Rise and shine!
- Oh!
God! Oh!
Before I am sent to
that jungle in the sky,
I have decided to make
you my last disciple.
No, thanks, I'm good.
We did not get up to give up.
Your work habitat was pretty bleak,
so I'm hoping your home life is better.
Oh, yes! Peloton. Ha ha!
Do not underestimate the power
of exercise in the jungle.
Do you know that the panther
travels 20 miles per day
doing a zig-zag pattern?
- Do panthers eat Froot Loops?
- Uh, hmm.
Morning, Nell.
Good, you're married.
We can skip ahead to disc three.
Reminder, we made a deal that
you were gonna walk Arthur
by 8:00 a.m. if you're gonna live here.
An adult roommate. That tracks.
I'm glad you brought up the rules.
I'd like to make an amendment
to move the Peloton
out of the dining area
so that we can do a
proper kitchen table.
Why? There's plenty of
places you could eat
in your bedroom, or you
could eat on the couch
if you put a blanket down.
You could even eat in the
bathroom if you're a monster.
Or the breakfast bar
if it wasn't so covered
in your weird little piles.
No, these are important
legal briefs, okay?
I'm working on a case.
Don't put the bowl on
the handles, please.
My job is important, too,
but you don't see me hogging
up all the eating area.
Really? Are you trying
to block construction
of a minor league baseball
stadium on a marsh that's home
to the endangered
southwestern willow flycatcher,
which controls insect population
around waterways and wetlands?
I could if I wanted to.
Nell, I'm trying to save
something that's alive
I'm not writing book
reports about dead people.
- All right, have a nice day.
- Mm-hmm.
Are you really gonna let
that tall piece of broccoli
walk all over you like that?
I'm not letting him walk all over me.
He's on the spectrum, and honesty
is part of his personality.
Mm.
I watched a TikTok about it.
- Hey!
- Hey!
I got us salads, huh?
I thought we could have lunch
in your luxurious office.
I really wish I could,
but Lexi scheduled a pitch
meeting with all the editors,
and she had some lobster flown in.
She thinks that expensive food
will really motivate people.
And it does.
But I'll sneak you some lobster, okay?
Euphoria Kid! You're coming, too!
- A nickname already.
- Oh!
Oh, Sam, these pants are fabulous.
- Come in!
- The intern is going?
But he's just an intern!
Looks like you're stuck in the bullpen
with the salad eaters.
Ugh. Can't believe Mason got invited.
Cheers, everybody!
- Cheers!
- Cheers!
When I started at the paper,
I had so much momentum.
God, if I hadn't moved
to London with Phillip,
I could've been in there, too.
I'll say to you what I
said to Dermot Mulroney
doesn't matter that you could've
'cause you didn't.
Dermot and I are on different paths.
Oh, I I
Oh, God.
And by the way, I'm getting really tired
of listening to dead people.
Then do something about it.
Oh, come on, you heard Lexi,
she isn't interested in my ideas.
Do you think that the tiger
just waits for a chubby baby
to come wandering into the jungle?
No! Of course not.
It saunters into the villages,
and it snatches one
from the mother's teat!
Well
You know
When I heard about the case
that Edward was working on
about saving the
southwestern flycatcher,
I immediately thought that
it would make a great feature.
Yeah. Write the article.
It's a win-win-win.
You get a new job, I
get my last triumph,
and you don't have to hang
out with ghosts anymore.
Screw it.
Jane, make me a tiger.
Okay, this will be good.
You know, it's been a while
since I've done some meaningful writing.
- I can do this, right?
- "I can do this, right?"
If I wasn't a ghost, I'd
smack you across the face.
Mm.
You just need a boost.
- Hit "play."
- Okay.
The jungle nature's proving ground.
Kill or be killed.
What is your jungle?
Could it be your office?
Your bedroom?
- Your church?
- Okay, wait.
How How long is this?
17 1/2 mind-blowing hours.
I don't have time for this.
I'll just give you the broad strokes.
Step one Dreams are just wishes.
Set a goal and do the work.
Step eight
A no is just a yes that
doesn't know it yet.
Councilman, I'll ask again
how much of the city's tax credit
is going to fund the stadium?
Ugh! I can't work like this.
Are we gonna score some coke?
Oh, I I was talking
about my workspace.
Oh!
- Don't move.
- Huh?
Why are there more screws than holes?
Step 17 When you feel
small, make yourself big.
Ooh, do you have any thick maxi pads?
I don't see how that's even a
I knew it. Go get them.
Huh?
Congratulations!
You can move on to disc two.
What's happening?
I'm writing an article about your case.
Well, the southwestern
willow flycatcher thanks you,
but why the hell did you move my bike?
Because I live here, too.
And if you can have a stupid
bike that doesn't go anywhere,
I can have a Flurskydur that
I get to eat breakfast on.
It's difficult having
a conversation with you
when you look like three kids
stacked on top of each other
trying to sneak into an R-rated movie.
You know, disc one Nell would
just take your honesty crap.
Well, now I'm gonna be honest with you.
You have too many dumb rules
and unreasonable expectations,
and you are super annoying to live with.
- Noted.
- Oh.
Well done. And now it's time
for the final step
exploit all your resources.
I mean, this is a very
bold choice for a Wednesday.
I'm trying a thing.
You're trying something.
- Hello!
- Cricket, yes!
I want you to meet my
very best friend, Sam.
- Hi.
- She helped me get my job at the paper.
Well, I have to thank you for
bringing Nell into my life.
She wrote the most beautiful
obituary for my husband, Monty.
Oh. I am so sorry for your loss.
But, remember, when one door closes,
another window opens.
Oh. Mm. Thank you for that.
You're so welcome.
- Mm-hmm.
- Empathy is my superpower.
- For sure.
- Yeah.
So, I wrote an exposé
on the corruption around the ballpark
going into the wetlands,
and it's the best thing
I have ever written.
Uh I want you to show Lexi.
- Nell.
- You heard her!
This is the kind of
journalism she wants.
And you guys are friends, yeah?
You speak her language.
You just got this job
writing obituaries.
Why are you trying to rush
off and do something else?
- Two minutes!
- That was a two-minute plank.
I really can't explain it.
I just need to do anything else.
See, I love you, but
it just sounds to me
like you're trying to skip some steps.
Oh, she doesn't get us.
You gotta cut her loose.
You're right. I shouldn't
have brought it up.
No. The article is no big deal.
Let's drink our lunch.
- All right.
- We'll find another way.
Hey, Tina, who's in charge of uploading
the, um, articles to
the paper's website?
Mm.
- Wow, that's a really thick salad.
- Thank you.
Everything has to go
through the section editor
who then sends it to the
Internet upload engineer.
I don't think I've met them yet.
It's Mason. He helped Lexi fix the font
size on her phone this morning,
and now she thinks he's an I.T. god.
Hey. Oh, you look oily.
Yeah.
I went a little nuts on
the hot butter yesterday.
- Mm.
- Really took a toll on my body.
- My bamboo sheets are ruined.
- Gross.
But seeing the look on your face
made every clarified sip worth it.
Actually, that's why
I'm here. I mean, I
I really want us to stop
competing with each other
- and start supporting each other.
- Why?
Cool, we have a deal? Awesome.
Now, I need you to upload an article
that Dennis is too busy to upload,
but he totally wants uploaded.
And, uh, this feels
great. This feels good.
I'm glad we're friends.
- Clearly you're lying.
- What?
I won't do it. Unless
Okay, just say it. What do you want?
$5,000 and a Miata.
- No!
- My office back.
- Deal.
- Yesss.
Yesss! Ow!
Oh, it has been a pleasure
making you less pathetic.
Yeah, and if you're the last
dead person that I talk to,
it's been weird.
Aww! I know.
Oh, ka-boom!
- Ooh, yes!
- We did it!
- I'm back, baby!
- Yeah!
- What have you done?
- Huh?
Lexi wants to see us in her office.
Because she read my article?
And loved it?
And wants to give me a promotion?
And some lobster?
Mnh. All sales of
Unleash Your Inner Tiger
are final.
Your article has been taken down.
What you did was completely egregious.
One mistake, and we
could have been sued.
Also that jacket is gross,
and you smell like summer rain.
It's my shoulders.
Nell, Nell, Nell.
Do you spell that
with an "N" or a "K-N"?
What is that?
This is my book of chances.
I keep a tally for each of my employees
and how many chances they have
left before they get fired.
How many do I have?
- Five.
- Ah.
Nell, you had one.
That makes five sound pretty good.
We'll always be friends.
- All right.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
A few years ago, I moved
away and I screwed up my life.
And I want you to know that
I really appreciate this job,
but since I've been writing obituaries,
I've been weirdly stuck in my head
and I haven't done my best work.
I know I could be more
valuable to this paper
- as an investigative journalist.
- Hm.
- I don't think I follow.
- Lexi.
What Nell is saying is that she thinks
she can give you the
clickety clickety boom,
and if you take away that last chance,
she won't be able to prove
that she can give you
the zip to the zap-zop.
Now, that I understand.
Why didn't she say
that in the first place?
Sam, you get eight more chances.
Can I just use one of those chances
to say that Nell is
a really great writer?
Hm. Well, she must be.
I've been getting a lot
of e-mails to the editor
praising her obituaries.
- What?
- For some reason, you've really
connected with our readers.
What? Wait. Really?
Yes. And most of them
say the same thing
that it really seems
like you actually know
the person that you've
been writing about.
Which is why I need you to do your job.
Unless, of course, you don't want it,
and then I can just go
right back here and
No, no, no, she wants it. Nell, nod.
- Oh.
- Up and down, there we go.
Let's go, let's go. Thank you.
Oh, you know what? Did
you ever think about
putting together a book of praises?
Did you ever think about
making a book of bad ideas?
Oh.
Thank you.
Thanks for saving my ass. I just I
I can't believe you were gonna give up
- one of your chances for me.
- Ah!
Are you kidding? Her kid bit my kid.
So I actually have unlimited chances.
- Nice!
- I know, right?
I guess I
I just get so caught
up in what I'm not doing
that I don't realize I'm
doing something good.
Yeah, you gotta do that sometimes.
- Yeah. You do.
- I do?
It's like you don't think
you're far enough along,
so you just jump into something else.
You just did it with this.
And you kinda did it when
you dropped everything
and moved your entire life for Phillip.
So maybe it's time to just, like,
be patient and enjoy where you're at.
Here? This place?
Yes, here in this
place, you know, with me.
Look, I may speak Lexi,
but you know my first language is Nell.
- Love you.
- Love you Oh.
You're welcome.
For what?
You almost made me lose my job.
Or did I make you want
the success you got?
You're exhausting.
Five out of my six ex-husbands
said the same thing.
I'm genuinely excited
to write about you.
- Ooh.
- Yeah.
Let's start with how you first realized
you had this talent.
Oh, great story.
So, I did one semester of zoology
at Arizona State and had
parents that withheld love.
Oh.
Hi.
Let me move my Flurskydur.
- Thanks.
- Yep.
I'm sorry I said you were annoying.
It's fine.
It's better if people are
straightforward with me, anyway.
Oh, my gosh.
My girlfriend says I'm
annoying all the time.
She also says that obituaries
aren't book reports for dead people,
because they offer closure and comfort,
which I never really thought
of, but I guess is true.
Yeah, um, I'm starting
to see that now, too.
I'm gonna clip out.
Okay.
If we're gonna live together,
I think it's best that we work
on our communication a bit.
I'm down with that.
Hopefully it'll help
me better understand
your irrational and erratic mood swings,
also your obsession with tables.
You're not gonna let
the table go, are you?
Autistic people just hate tables now.
- Really?
- No, I'm joking.
I beg you, please,
stop getting all your
information from TikTok.
But it's just it's
so quick and trendy.
- Hey!
- Hey!
There she is, my favorite new customer.
Edward, I'd like you to
meet my friend Cricket.
Oh, it is lovely to meet you.
I heard your husband passed away.
I literally just told
you not to say anything.
That must suck. You're
still fit. You're young.
You've got a lot of years left alone.
Well, maybe 20.
Edward! Cricket, I am so sorry.
No, really, I love it.
Finally some honesty.
Plus, he's right, I've
still got it going on.
But here you are, very alone.
He's dead. He died.
Yes, it's devastating.
- It's a total waste.
- It is!
You're pathetic, ya old bag.
Nell, the woman just lost her husband.
- I thought we were doing a
- Thought what?
Oh, screw you guys.
He died.
- Ah, don't you
- He did!
You've got a lot of
nerve, you know that?
You know what?