Not Safe for Work (UK) (2015) s01e02 Episode Script

1 You're sending me to the Immigration Pathway team? Their remit is to develop Government policy .
.
in relation to immigrant persons.
- Immigrants? - Yes, those.
Yeah, I wrote the paper that recommended they were set up.
Explain to me exactly what the Immigration Pathway does.
It's very holistic, basically.
No, it's supposed to help people.
You must have everything ready, steady to go, go, go for your presentation for the Minister next week.
- Did you have to name him in this? - Maybe you could just sign it.
- You're famous now.
- How? - You're cited in my divorce papers.
They've been looking for an excuse to shut this place down for ages.
And I think you're gonna give it to them.
So what should I do? Ahh! MUSIC: Move With The Season by Temples When the time comes Move with the season Lend your young ears to the sound of day When the time comes Groove with the feeling Lend your young ears to the sound of day Hello? When the time comes Move with the season Lend your young ears To the sound of day When the time comes Groove with the feeling Lend your ears to the sound of day BIRD CAWS - 'Hello.
' - Yeah, can I get a taxi, please? - 'Where to?' - Not sure.
- 'OK, well, where do you want picking up from?' - I don't know.
- 'You all right, love? Not in trouble, are you?' - No.
I'm in Northampton.
And I need to get to work now.
- Oh! - Oh, my God, I'm so sorry! I didn't wake you, did I? Yes.
- What time is it? - Six.
- In the morning? - Mm-hm.
- Do you always get up this early? It's just something that I do do, so I do do it.
Anyway, tatty-tatty-ra! SNORING - What's the date today? - Er, the 8th.
Pinch and a punch for the 8th of the month.
That's not right, is it? Everything all right on board HMS Katherine this morning? Yes Captain.
I, er, just didn't sleep very well last night, unlike you.
Well, if it helps, at least you'll be avoiding some professional icebergs on the starboard waters.
What? Well, please keep it hush-hush -- ultra, very hush -- but part of my brief here is to scuttle a few ships in the icy Atlantic depths.
Do you mean fire some people from the Immigration Pathway Team? - Yes.
- Who? That is the question, Ms Winslet.
Yes, it is, Mr James Cameron.
Well, I'll be having some appraisal "chats" with everyone today, help me decide who's to be our poor, drowning Leo.
Right.
It's not me-o, is it? No, of course not.
You're not going anywhere, Katherine.
- Thanks.
- In a good way, obviously.
Yeah.
Oh, we should also have a chat about how ready you think we are for our presentation to the Minister next week.
Hopefully Dannyak's sent me all the relevant paperwork, so we can compare notes.
- OK, my hearty? - Yeah.
Good morning.
Is it? Nathaniel have you had a stroke? No, I had a date.
Last night.
It went really well.
If you know what I mean? Did you have penetrative sex? With a woman? Yeah, been ages since I'd Come in someone? Yeah, me too.
Not that way round, but you know.
- Yeah, well, I'd recommend it.
- What, sex? Yeah.
It's great, isn't it? Yeah, I suppose it is.
If you do it right.
Or wrong, sometimes.
- Er, speaking of vaginas, have you seen Danny? - Possibly.
What? Well, I saw some shadows, moving around earlier.
Quite slowly.
SHE KNOCKS ON DOOR - Danny? - Who is it? - Katherine.
- Who? Your old boss.
Your new subordinate.
The one who knows you're not really a Mus .
.
lim.
Have you been in here all night? Well, we couldn't find a late-opening bar, could we, Angela? Looked fucking everywhere.
Well, that is a tragedy for both of you, obviously, but Is that coke? - No, it's ketamine.
- What? It's not.
It's legal powder.
Oh, that's all right, then.
SHE CLEARS HER THROA Did you know that Jeffries is looking to fire people? Who's Jeffries? And if she sees all this, it might help make up her mind, yeah? Oh, we're clearing up, though, aren't we? What? I thought you wanted to turn things around here, Danny? I do, Katherine.
I do.
This was just a little hiccup, that's all.
So what you gonna send to Jeffries? Well, she asked you to send her a copy of all the material you'll be briefing the Minister with next week.
And everything you've got is shit, yeah? Oh, yeah.
Well.
Look, er Here are the action points from the paper that I wrote, recommending this place was set up.
None of them were ever followed properly, so just go through them, see if there are any quick wins we can find.
Er, maybe something you've done here, we can salvage and call it professional pride? I'll have a dig too.
OK? I think I need a shit.
Oh! All the work folders seem to be on a shitty stand-alone server.
Are they not connected to London? Er, I dunno.
Is that a problem? It's a bit of a surprise.
I mean, how do you access their files? - I didn't wake you this morning, did I? - I told you did when you did.
I just wanted to let you know that we're going to have a few drinks tonight, welcome you and Jeffries.
- I've booked a table and everything.
We're having tacos! - I like tacos.
Yeah, me too.
The Mexican taste, in your English mouth.
Yeah, we all like tacos, but I can't.
- How come? - Er, well, I don't have a bed, do I? So I'll probably just go back to my own flat share in London.
You can come for a bit, though.
The trains run back pretty late.
Today isn't a good day for me.
Honestly, I can't.
I can't.
OK.
We'll just have to have the tacos without you, I suppose.
- Jenny, erm, could I have a wordy? - Do you prefer burritos? No, I like pizza, but it's actually about something else.
If you don't want to come for a drink with us, you should just, like, say, Katherine, you know? That's not it at all, mate.
Do you want a tea or anything? - Hey.
- Hey.
You all right? Yeah.
Yeah, mega.
Is it something I've done? Ignore me.
Oh, and if Jeffries takes you away for a chat today, just be on your best, yeah? PHONE VIBRATES - Maybe I'll see you at the drinks thing? - No, I won't be there.
I thought it was in your honour? Half, anyway.
I don't care.
OK.
That's probably for the best.
Sorry, why is it for the best? - You know.
- No.
Well, you can get a bit when you imbibe.
How's that? Well, this time last year It's not a big deal, but when we used to go out, or whatever it was we were doing I almost ended things, because I thought you hated me, because of how you got when you're drunk.
- That's all.
- Last year? Maybe that's because I had a lot going on.
Or were you too busy feeling sorry for yourself to notice? Shit! You all right, Danny? I had an accident.
Oh.
- What we gonna do with you, eh? - I don't know.
HE COUGHS - Oh! - Sorry.
- It's all right, mate.
Why aren't you saying anything? Her heart has somehow stopped.
Her? You know, I think I will come out for a drink with you lot.
Cool.
How come? Er, we don't have anything to talk about, all right? Don't be shitty.
I'm just trying to Proving how much of an epic fucking bell-end you are? Just going for a wee.
Carry on.
Two birds.
One shower.
Erm I'm not in trouble or anything, am I? What does trouble even mean, Jenny? Bad things happening to people in their lives that they don't want to happen to them but seem to happen all the time, anyway? OK.
All I can say at this stage is, if work is a mountain -- which, in many ways, it is -- you have yet to leave base camp.
Oh, thank goodness! OK, no, I thought you were gonna fire me or something! Be like new soon.
Sort of.
- What is wrong with me? - Ulcer, maybe? - What? My dad was a bit of a drinker.
He was Irish.
He had a peptic ulcer before he died.
What did he die of? - Peptic ulcer.
- Do you think I might have that? No.
You're just a social drinker.
And a social ketamine user.
Just social.
And all the other shit.
I'm just glad you're here to, like, look after me.
Aw, always, Danny.
Yeah? - SHE KNOCKS ON DOOR - Yep.
I thought I was Winslet safe? Of course you are.
This is just a little routine appraisal chatteroo.
I'm talking to everyone, not just the vapid and useless and doomed.
Though before we start, I want to say how wonderful it's been - to make a new friend.
- Oh, who's that? You.
And as a friend, can I ask? Matthew, my beloved son, has requested I pay for him to travel to Ibiza for six months to learn how to become a DJ.
- Do you think that's a good idea? - No.
Right.
Thought not.
Great.
Kids! Thank you.
And please sit.
So, what's this appraisal stuff? Well, having had a more detailed look at your personnel records, I see that, erm, sometimes you can be a tad brusque with others when they don't meet your own high standards.
Something to work on, perhaps? Yeah.
Brusque.
Brusque.
Curt.
Blunt.
Terse.
Coarse.
Yeah, I know what it fucking means.
And, yes, I can be.
So I will try not to be in future.
Excellent.
You'll go far! - Is that it? - Yeah.
Oh, you didn't tell me how you think we're faring for the Minister.
Danik still hasn't sent me all the paperwork.
I think that he's maybe planning on re-jigging some of it, maybe.
Oh, here he is.
Perfect timing.
Erm, can we chat, D? I'm actually feeling pretty ill, J.
Can it wait till, like, tomorrow? He does look pretty awful.
OK, well, I do have quite a lot of people to talk to today.
- So how about first thing tomorrow? - Yeah.
Now, Angela You.
Now.
Are you squelching? - Do you smoke? - Yeah.
So what exactly do you think you add to this organisation, Angela? Class.
Maybe you should go home, Danny.
I'm all right.
Had any ideas yet? Not really.
You? Getting anything done round here is gonna be like juggling with sand.
With no arms or sand or concept of juggling.
What should we do? So, how are you finding Northampton? Yeah, yeah, I've enjoyed it.
Getting away from London.
All that madness.
Yes.
I see your performance standards did seem to drop, quite significantly, in your last year in London.
Is there a reason for that that you can pin down exactly, Anthony? Cheer up, everyone.
Think how much fun we'll have tonight, yes? SALSA MUSIC POUNDS So, who are you gonna seduce tonight then, Nat, you sexy fuck? Yeah, think it might have been a one-off.
You gonna see her again? Not sure.
She didn't respond to my email today.
Or text.
Or WhatsApp thing.
Or when I called her.
Right.
Are you trying too hard, maybe? Well, I thought trying was good? I tell you what -- if you want, I'll be your wing-woman tonight.
Strike while your cock is lukewarm-ish, yeah? OK, brilliant.
So you think I'll keep my job, then? - Let's not talk about work, Jenny.
Let's just party, OK? - OK.
Woo! Should, erm, Danak be out? He said he was ill.
Doesn't look too with it to me.
Well, maybe he just wants to, like, support you and Katherine and show you that he's a member of the team and wants to stay a member of the team and doesn't want to leave the team, because he doesn't know what he'd do if that happened.
You know? - Sniff, sniff, pick-me-up? - In a minute, yeah.
Are you just here to spite me? Yeah.
Why are you here? Don't be like that.
But I'm celebrating.
W-W-What? - A birthday.
- Whose? It's good of Danark to take one for the team and join us.
Yeah.
He's a great man.
So, who are you gonna fire, then? I can trust you to be discreet? - We're friends, aren't we? - Yes.
Well, erm, as it stands, both Jenny and Angela can be dismissed quite easily.
And we're looking to lose at least one person, ASABP, so Wow.
So who you gonna pick? Well, that is Sophie's/Jeffries' choice.
Yes.
- Back in a minute, all right? - OK.
Where are you two going? Just to wee.
Legally.
Jesus, Danny, you're meant to be ill.
And a fucking Muslim.
Come and join us, if you want.
It's free.
And it's legal.
Wee.
Yeah, fuck it, go on, then.
Do you wanna join us, kind sir? Erm, I'm all right, actually, Angela.
Oh, don't be a cunt.
Come on.
Is this not against your faith? Yeah, I don't think the big book Koran.
Yeah, I don't think it mentions coke.
But I thought this was ketamine? No, you start with coke, get you going and then you end with ketamine, take the edge off.
Textbook.
As sensible as all that sounds, I'm not really sure this is a good idea.
Yeah, you're probably right.
If you can't handle your drink, this'll definitely be too much for you.
SHE SNORTS I should just say I'm just gonna say, it because you are a great person Angela, yeah, but you're gonna have to be really fucking careful, because I think that you might They're gonna They need to, like, sack, like, one person from the office, and I think you might I mean, I've heard that you might be the one that they might, like sack.
- Yeah.
- They wouldn't do that.
They sort of like totally fucking would, though, you know? Yeah! I'm not gonna let that happen to you, Angela.
I won't.
You're all I've got.
Sort of got.
Oh, that is lovely, Danny.
I know what to do.
Maybe you should slow down a bit? Maybe you should shut up a bit? - I think it was yours.
- What? I tried to call you, but I did the dates.
And the maths.
But I was never really sure.
Who? What? What maths? I tried to call you a few times after that, but I bottled it.
And, well, then, after she went .
.
I wasn't really sure what the point was any more.
She? If I was to put money on it, you'd win.
At a canter.
Katherine, this isn't Probably not the best time to tell you.
I was actually starting to enjoy it here.
Like, putting myself back together again, after London and everything.
And then you just, like, fucking arrive.
- I did not ask to come here! - I know.
But you did.
Fuck it.
If they want someone to leave, I will.
- What? Anthony, don't - I'm gonna hand my notice in.
Then we won't have to fucking do all this ever again.
Fucking any of it.
Shit! ANGELA WHIMPERS Woo! You gonna help me pull, then? Yeah.
Look, I don't know what I'm doing, but to make sure they don't fire you, let's do all the work, like, now, yeah? - Like now, now? - Now, now.
What about her? No.
Too attractive.
I need some sort of weakness.
Otherwise there's no way in.
Clever! Clever! So what game are we playing? Find Nat A Woman game.
You can help, if you want.
Oh, marvellous! OK! What about Jenny? She's single.
- No, I don't think so.
- I dunno.
Really? Fuck off! No, yeah, she's all right.
Sort of cute and everything.
Hi, Katherine.
Have you seen Danak? Cos I haven't seen him for a while.
Or Angela.
Would you fuck Nat? What? It's a simple question.
Would you? You would, wouldn't you? Yeah, you would.
Go on.
Erm, actually, I'm sort of off men at the mo.
Oh, what, cos you had a little divorce? Erm, well, no, but I'm getting a divorce.
Look at me.
I just, erm I don't feel like I could trust someone.
Like that.
Again.
At the minute.
Did he cheat on you? - I think he did, yeah.
- I bet he fucking did.
What? I can see why he would do that.
Objectively speaking.
Yeah.
Yeah, I just .
.
really, really loved him.
Erm sorry.
What did you say to her? I only wanted a date.
And some sex.
You seem to have been more than a little brusque, Katherine.
Yeah.
Sorry.
Well, maybe you should stay somewhere else tonight.
You're not gonna try and chat me up, are you? - Yes.
- How old are you? - SHE LAUGHS - What? - 30? - Yes.
No.
- Bit younger.
- Yeah.
I'm Katherine.
So you own your own place? Sort of.
My folks are away for a bit.
In Hong Kong.
So it's all mine.
- For now, anyway.
- Right.
Am I meant to be impressed? This place is .
.
AMAZING! Yeah.
I love it here.
It's really, like, calm, you know? And .
.
sexy.
I'm not going to sleep with you.
SHE LAUGHS Where did my shoes go? SCRAPING - What are you doing? - It's her birthday.
Who? Can I get a taxi, please? - 'You're not in trouble, are you?' - No.
I'm in Northampton and I need to get to work now.
What are you doing? - Working.
What you doing? - I don't know.
Me neither.
But I gotta, like, sort this shit out, you know? Yeah, you do.
You need some help or we're all fucked.
Cool.
So where do we start? Look, I think maybe you've got two options.
What's that? Invent a time machine, go back, write up and research 12 months of sophisticated policy work.
Then you'll have something to brief the Minister with and everyone will think the Immigration Pathway is amazing and you'll have some stuff to show Jeffries.
What's the other option? Delete everything.
Pretend you lost it all to an IT glitch.
- Let's do that one, then.
- Yeah, OK.
Click that.
Open that Click that Push Press delete And it's gone.
- They're sending someone.
- Who? - London.
- Here? When? Who? - Yes.
Soon.
Je ne sais pas.
And whenever you even vaguely think about saying something, just shut the fuck up, OK? Wonderful to meet you at last.
I've heard a lot about you.
Danyak something, is it? Or just Danny? It's about you wanting to control everyone and make them do the Whatever Katherine Wants dance.
That is not a real dance.