October Road (2007) s01e02 Episode Script
The Pros and Cons of Upsetting the Applecart
I don't want you to leave.
I'll be back in six weeks.
Previously on "October Road" Dufresne College called.
They want to know if you'd be interested in teaching a one-day intensive on the art of the novel.
That's in my hometown.
I haven't been back there in ten years.
Thanks for going easy on me in the book.
I read how you made Eddie and Hannah look.
- I gotta warn you, Eddie- - Yeah, I heard.
Long time, Eddie.
You seem to have forgotten which side of October Road you belong on.
Hello, Hannah.
You're a mom, huh? I didn't know that.
How old is Sam? Don't worry.
He's not yours.
All the men in my family have peanut allergies.
One bite of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and I'm a goner.
Oh, there he is.
Liz Taylor get her beauty sleep? Not so much.
That cat Yeah, but what do you care? You get to go back to the delightful sounds of New York City's gunshots and orgies, while we're stuck here with the agonized cries of the horny neighborhood feline.
Yeah, about New York I kind of called an audible last night.
- You're staying? - Thinking about it.
For how long? I'm not sure.
A few weeks? I mean, if that's okay.
That's it.
I can't take it.
It's okay.
Glad to have you.
Thanks.
But, uh, have you counted for the blowback? The blowback? It's, uh, one thing to pay a visit after ten years, but, um, considering the number you did on Knights Ridge in your book, you might meet some resistance to your settling in to the daily hum and drum.
You might encounter a blowback.
I'm finishing this once and for all.
Is that a BB gun? Hey! Just 'cause you are an idiot doesn't mean you need to act like one.
Now I gotta ask you.
What made you decide to stay? You really think the kid is yours? Peanut allergy.
He's got one, just like all the men in my family.
That's way too much of a coincidence.
Okay, only 1% of the population are allergic to peanut proteins.
That's 3 million americans, and there's about a 60% chance of it originating from a genetic inheritance.
So there's a 40% chance it don't.
Well done, Pythagoras.
Thanks for playing.
Pythagoras was a winged horse, greek myth style.
That would be pegasus.
I appreciate the effort.
Guy spends ten years in New York City, he thinks he's Anderson Cooper 360.
If you're convinced you're the dad, how do you play it? Only thing I can think of - ask Hannah straight up.
No, no, no, dropping the allergy bomb on Hannah will freak her out.
Go slow.
Get to know the kid better.
Take it from a father of two, if he is your son, there'll be no mistaking it in time.
But say he is your kid I mean, what then? I don't know.
Hey, Nick's staying, Eddie.
Isn't that great? I'm gonna go get my truck at Sully's.
Well, I better get going, too.
I have to pick up Allison's outfit for date night.
- Date night? - Yeah.
About once every three months, Owen and Allison go out for a nice dinner, but not before picking out outfits for each other to wear.
Yeah, it started 'cause I like her to dress sluttier, and she likes me to dress- Like someone with the ability to look in the mirror? - See ya, man.
- I'll see ya, man.
- Later, man.
- See you, buddy.
Come on, Owen.
I'll get you that date night mix CD I made for you guys.
Thanks, buddy.
The only reason I told you any of that stuff about me and Owen's wife is 'cause I thought you were leaving town.
You ain't gonna say nothin', are ya? It was a one-shot deal, right? No need to ruin a family over one stupid night, right? Give it up.
Hey, who's winning? Hey.
No offense, but you're really milking this good-bye tour.
Actually, I'm staying.
Really? Yeah.
So we-we should hang out sometime.
You know, maybe have a catch? Catch of what? You know, a catch Baseball.
You throw the ball back and forth.
Oh.
Right, a catch.
Hey, Doodie.
Nick wants to have a catch.
Catch of what? It was just an idea.
We can I gotta go walk my mom home from work.
You do that every day? Yeah.
She works for the vet.
Oh, right.
Yeah, she always loved animals.
Okay.
Hey, Nick.
Maybe a catch would be fun sometime.
Cool.
Always a sign of a rough night when you hoof back to your wheels in the afternoon.
Sorry about the ruckus.
No worries.
Old friends getting together after ten years- broken glassware is to be expected.
Hey, last night had nothing to do with Nick.
Right, and I eat corn dogs for the corn.
You know, the past is like a pimple on prom night, Eddie.
You can try and ignore it, but it's still gonna prevent Jimmy Wyper from slow-dancing with you during your favorite Boyz II Men song.
Nick.
Hannah.
Sam told me you're staying.
Yeah, I I wanted to actually talk to you- That's good for you.
I guess.
But asking my son to play catch- that is a problem.
So here's the deal.
It's cool if you want to stay.
I can't stop you.
But I have worked very hard to create a life for myself, and most importantly, Sam.
You can't just wander into our lives-not now- and do nothing except make things more confusing for everyone.
- Hey, look- - It's it's an applecart, and it's delicate.
I'm not going to do "nothing.
" Really? I'm staying because the college offered me a job.
- They did? - Yeah.
To do what? To teach the kids.
For real.
All I'm asking of you, Nick, is just please, please, please, please just don't upset the applecart.
- Okay.
- Okay.
The college really offer you a job? Not so much.
Welcome to the blowback.
What you're saying is that she thinks that you think that her kid is yours.
That is what I think.
Aw, that's utter nonsense.
You don't know everything, dad.
There's things.
There's evidence and clues and there's things.
We're talking the paperboy here.
Yeah.
He walks her home from work every day.
Isn't that sweet? All right.
How do I look? You really gonna do this? Well, told her I got a job at the Doof, so I gotta go get a job at the Doof.
I thought you wiped out there the other day.
I did.
But why wouldn't they want me? I'm a big-time novelist, dad.
Is this a joke? Because if this is a joke, I'm still stuck in the setup, which, as you may recall, involved you panicking and sputtering your way out of a 1-day seminar with a case of the dry heaves, leaving an entire lecture hall in the lurch.
And now you want me to give you your own class? Just a little class - a nice little graduate writing class.
What makes you think you can actually teach? And please, don't tell me it's because you wrote a popular novel.
No.
No.
But the journey, getting there, the journey that those students wish to embark upon- I can share my experience.
Then let's talk about that journey.
Let's talk about it.
The, um epic struggle of a coward who left his home, wrote a book about the friends and family that he abandoned for reasons unknown and now is afraid to face his own life.
Wow.
I think you're leaving out the part where I burned down the orphanage and drunk-dialed the pope.
A teacher, by nature, is a leader.
And a leader is someone who embraces their life, not one who runs away from it.
In other words, Mr.
Garrett, my students have nothing to learn from you.
I'm gonna go.
And thus, the arsonist returns to the scene of his last great blaze.
Going down in flames does seem to be the motif.
What's the difference between self-pity and self-loathing? Well, I'd answer you but I'm too busy feeling sorry for my vile existence.
- Have you met this dean Etwood? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
What about her? Just that she's like Stalin, only without the dreamy compassion.
Hey.
- A lot of beer.
- We're stockpiling.
Ikey heard there might be a nuclear war this weekend.
True dat.
Darcy, what goes on? You weren't gonna ever call, were you? Oh, no, not Darcy from the hardware store.
What? Dude, I liked Darcy from the hardware store.
Man, do you get around.
You're like the flu, only with a zipper.
He don't call.
What, are you new? This is Eddie Latekka.
Repeat business makes him nervous.
No offense.
His bad, not yours.
What's so funny? Look, son, you're pushing 30.
Are you ever gonna get married? When did that clearly defined line between selling booze and being pals become blurred? Look, all I'm saying is, what's next? No idea.
It's wild that you grew up here.
Why? I don't know.
It's just so quaint.
Berkeley isn't quaint? No, it is, but quaint with an edge.
- Edgy quaint.
- Barefoot quaint.
- Patchouli quaint.
- "Kill the rich" quaint.
Speaking of which, the bill collectors can't be barking too loud.
Why are you sweating this whole job thing? Feels right.
Qualify.
Okay, well it's like, if I can't do that, then what good am I? And who knows? You know, maybe someday I become a dad.
Isn't that what you're supposed to do with children-teach them? I think you gotta flip the script.
You know, make a case for yourself with the dean.
I mean, you're back in your hometown.
There's gotta be someone who can vouch for you.
Someone who can speak to the virtues of Nick "not Nicholson" Garrett.
There's gotta be someone.
So you gonna be okay with the whole Nicky-staying-in-the-ridge thing? Not much choice, right? There's gotta be some sort of a reckoning payback.
What kind of payback? I'll know it when I see it.
The universe will provide.
Check it.
There's Nicky now with that lolly from the other night, the one you practically K.
O.
'd due to your thuggery.
Is that right? Is that her? I think he digs her.
Yeah, why wouldn't he? I mean, she's a she's a Bro! You're not gonna God, I love the universe.
Somewhere in these boxes is my tenth grade report card penned by Mrs.
Gertrude Weiner.
Now if memory serves, Mrs.
Weiner waxed rhapsodic in those pages- a love letter to all things Nick Garrett.
And you think that if you present it to the dean, - she'll see the light.
- Exactly.
The dean gives me the job, Hannah sees that I'm committed, I have a "function" Hannah tells me the truth about Sam.
Handing over a 12-year-old report card as a job reference- it may come across a little goofy.
See, I thought about that.
But the goofiness is part of the plan.
It's charm.
I'll get it.
Hey.
Hey, Sam.
You ready for that catch? You know, now's not really a good time.
Uh, I'll come back later.
I don't think so.
I'm gonna be busy indefinitely.
Indefinitely? Like forever? Not forever but just for now.
Okay.
Bang! Boom! You just gave the heisman to a 10-year-old.
Hannah told me to stay away.
Well, even so, I mean, that's cold, brophus.
That-that's popsicle cold.
Polar bear cold.
Eskimo cold.
Igloo cold- I got it, Ronnie! Do you know the first thing they legislated when rebuilding New Orleans? They went wi-fi and hooked up the entire city with wireless internet.
Well, it's good enough for a city under water, it's good enough for Knights Ridge.
- Hey! - Jasper! Casper! What do you say you boys don't do that, okay? Don't play with your peas.
So, Sam how's life in the hustle? Peaks and valleys.
- Is this about Nick? - Nick? What about Nick? Because I told you, sweetie, Nick is just visiting.
That's how you have to think about it, and you shouldn't let it hurt your feelings.
Can I be excused? Okay.
Plates in the sink.
What? If I say it, it's gonna be a thing.
Say it.
Okay.
It's just you invite me and the boys over for a nice dinner, and I'm sitting here looking into your beautiful eyes, enjoying your signature cranberry pork chop, only to find out there's some kind of hidden drama with Nick Garrett, you and Sam.
There's no hidden drama.
How would I know? All that I want, all that I have ever worked for, is for us to one day be a family.
I'm sorry about the way my boys torment Sam I'm just trying to make things right here.
I know you are, and you've been amazing.
We're good.
Nick can't change any of that.
He probably won't even stick around, and if he does so what? We're good right now, Ray.
We're good.
Dude, is that Eddie Latekka crossing ooad and going to the Doof? Eddie Latekka never goes to the Doof.
Hey, kid, come here! Wait.
Hold on! I wanna get a look at ya.
Hey, Kitty.
- Hello, Hannah.
- Hello.
My pet here needs a little attending to.
This is yours, Mr.
Garrett? Yeah, that's right.
How old is this cat? - He's 7.
- This cats a female.
Yeah.
And, um what's her name? Sunrise.
And, um, what's wrong with Sunrise? I don't know.
He's just a little, um sluggish.
- She.
- She.
Is that your son? Sam.
You're my paperboy.
Yeah.
I'll have Dr.
Jeffers take a look.
I'll have Dr.
Jeffers take a look.
Oh, that'd be great.
I'll be back for him later.
- Her.
- Her.
Her.
Good-bye, Sunrise.
Why did he bring Bumper here? I have no idea.
This is our cat.
Hey, you, um got a second? Well, not if the upshot is catastrophic injury.
Nah, it's nothing like that.
I just wanna apologize for roughing up your friend.
A few too many tequilas misguided anger.
Mm-hmm, yep.
So you, uh, you have a problem with Nick Garrett? Garrett? Nah.
I went to high school with the guy, but I hardly know him.
Man, I haven't been here in years.
It was occasioned by what? Well, my desire to make things right by you, and and to give you this.
You made me a mix? I made you a mix.
- I'm Aubrey.
- Eddie.
Interesting selections, especially track two.
You know, I'd have pegged you for more of a John Cougar Mellencamp guy than a John Cougar guy.
So you maybe wanna hang out sometime, talk a little more evolution of Mellencamp, little pink houses and such? Tonight good? I'm meeting some friends at Sully's.
Maybe I stop by? Maybe you do.
Hey.
- You and ma.
- Yeah.
She'd have got a kick out of all the fanciness you got going on.
I don't know.
I think she might've been creased from me staying away ten years.
But you're back now where you belong.
That's all that counts.
It's how you close the game, not the score at halftime.
Hold on.
Pay dirt! - Is that the report card? - Yeah! But it's wounded.
It's smudged.
It's unreadable.
Game over.
Not true.
I think we can do much better.
Forget about handing in ancient documents.
Nothing beats a live testimonial.
It's like I always say - if you can't deliver the bacon, bring 'em the pig.
You always say that? Well, I will from now on.
If you can't deliver the bacon, bring 'em the pig.
Thank you for seeing me again.
You said you were bringing pie.
No, I didn't.
My assistant told me, "Nicholson Garrett called to say he'd like to come by again, but this time he's bringing pie.
" That's why I agreed.
No pie? - No pie.
- Then good day.
Just hear me out.
Okay, I know how you feel about me, and I know that there's nothing that I can say to change your mind.
But how about the words of a fellow teacher? I present Mrs.
Gertrude Weiner- Massachusetts educational system, and my tenth grade english teacher.
How do you do? It's a pleasure.
I, um, I-I just want you to know that Nicholas is a wonderful young man.
Watching him maneuver his way through semicolons, I - I knew he would go far.
You should think of what he can bring to the students.
I am thinking of the students.
That's why I am not hiring Mr.
Garrett, because he is the very worst thing a teacher could be- a dilettante, someone who does a job to suit his momentary needs.
He reminds me of another man who came down to teach at a school in a parish of New orleans.
Only this man- he told the students that they could learn to sing.
And so he sang to them, and the song was "Where is love?" from the show "Oliver!" But then this man- he left soon after, back to his real life, leaving the students devastated.
I remember that because I was one of those children, and I remember the crushing sense of loss when that man left.
So do not talk to me about the students, Mrs.
Weiner, because everything I do, every fiber of my being is for these students.
I'm sorry.
She - Oh.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Hello? Hey, Hannah.
My father? What? I told you I wasn't going to meddle in Hannah's affairs, and then you go and do that? It was their cat! You demented? Huh? Hannah's not a moron.
She knows exactly why you went in there, boy detective.
And I'll tell you what- she's furious, and she has a right to be.
- I mean, you literally, you just - He has her eyes.
walked in there with some cat that you scooped off the sidewalk and some ridiculous story about- Nicky he has her eyes.
What did you say? The boy.
He has your mother's eyes.
The girl at the end of the bar thought you looked thirsty.
The rabbit-faced one? No, pert and perky on the corner.
Dude what goes on? Nothing.
I'm just not in the mood.
- Are you okay, Eddie? - Yeah.
I've never seen you pass up an opportunity.
I'm just tired of all the endless chitchat about meaningless bock that accompanies these hookups.
Maybe you should try a different type of girl- fewer empty calories more nutrition.
Maybe I should turn over a new leaf.
Maybe you're not looking in the right places.
Let me grab two fresh ones.
There's a new leaf.
Go turn it over.
Hey.
People in small-town america really do this, Mr.
Garrett? Throw rocks at windows? I'm sorry for the intrusion.
Oh, honey, we are well past the intrusion phase.
This is more like an invasion.
Look, I'm trying to confront the stuff that I ran from years ago, and I'm willing to face anything - anything that comes my way.
I will not leave you, dean Etwood, or your students either.
This time, I'm not leaving anything until it's ready to be left.
Well, what an inspirational tale.
But right now, Mr.
Garrett, I'm going back to sleep.
Please, dean Etwood! Just Remember your "Oliver Twist"? What? What are you talking about? * Where is love? * * Does it fall from skies above? * What the heck do you think you're doing? * Is it underneath the willow tree * * That I've been dreaming of? * Have you lost your mind? You have no idea.
Please.
I will open up registration on monday.
You can start your class a week from then, but strictly on a probationary basis.
Now get the hell off my lawn before I remember where I keep my ex-husband's shotgun.
Okay, thank you so much.
Thank you.
- Get off my lawn now.
- I'm leaving right now.
Bye.
Twice in one week? Should I be worried about you? I'll let you know in about half an hour.
I'm gonna grab a booth.
There is no way a talking raccoon lives in your backyard.
Ralphie-the-talking-raccoon.
It's real as rain.
You don't believe me, come see for yourself.
- I'm five minutes away.
- Okay.
All right.
I'll bite.
But if there's no Ralphie, you pick up the tab for my friends tonight.
Deal.
But if there is a Ralphie, I get to hold your hand for five minutes.
- Three minutes.
- Four.
Three and a half, but no stroking.
Done.
Shall we? See you, guys.
Talking raccoon failproof.
Well, everybody, here we are! - Don't I look awesome? - Okay.
Thank you.
Hi.
Do you like my Looks like another date night for the Rowans.
Lame.
I think it's cute the way they keep the torch of married love alive.
Oh, what's he got on, six-shooters and spurs? Or is he Robin Hood again? Huh? It's toned down from last month.
A tailcoat and top hat for him Yeah, sounds mad discreet.
And for, uh, what's her name again? - Alison.
- Right.
A slutty but super sexy cocktail dress.
Oh, hey, buddy! Come on.
Have a drink with us.
I'm good.
You guys do your thing.
You sure? All right, buddy.
We'll do our thing.
- Hey, Ikey.
- Hey.
Go get 'em, Pythagoras.
Hey, Ralphie! Come on out.
We got company.
Ralphie, come out, buddy.
Are you really gonna play this whole thing out? Oh.
He does this every now and again.
Don't worry.
He'll appear.
- Ralphie! - What's all the racket down there? Hey, Phil, is Ralphie around? I heard him come in, but he might've gone back out for smokes.
Wow, you guys are seriously bent.
Whoa.
This is no laughing matter.
Okay, Ralphie has tried to quit many times before.
Big tobacco's really got their claws in that raccoon.
Oh! Did you hear that? I think Ralphie might be home.
Ralphie, that you? What do you want, Latekka? Come say hi.
We got a visitor.
Leave me alone! Sometimes he gets a little cranky.
Dude, would you just don't be rude! Come on out for two seconds.
I'm tired, all right? It's been a long day.
Who is the babe, though? Very hot.
No wonder Nick Garrett's got a thing for her, huh? See? There really is a talking raccoon.
I believe it's time to cash in on my winnings.
- Wow.
Really? - What? What was that Ralphie said about Nick Garrett? What? Uh I don't know.
He's drunk.
So that's what this is all about.
What? Somewhere in the frozen tundra of your brain, you think that getting with me is gonna bother Nick, right? And the very idea of that makes you feel tall? But that's not what this is- But isn't it, though, that this is all about that? So, what if it is? Now that you're here I'm here because I'm What's your excuse? Hey, Ralphie, you seem like a nice guy.
I think you can do better than "Casa-no-good" over here.
Thanks for nothing, pal.
Hey.
Can I get two champagne cocktails? - Coming up.
- Thank you.
So I left you a message.
I know.
And you, uh, you never called back.
I, uh things were hectic.
See you tuesday? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Great dress.
Hey! Wow! Hello, Mr.
Eichorn.
Hey.
Thank you.
You said you had news? I got a job at the Doof.
You told me.
Right.
I know you know.
I told you.
Look, I'm really sorry about my dad.
I swear I had no idea.
- But about Sam - Yeah? Look I completely respect you being protective over him, and I would not want to offend that in any way, but but something slipped out the other day, something that Sam said about his peanut allergy.
Sure.
Sam has a peanut allergy.
- So? - So? All the men in my family have peanut allergies, which are kinda rare, and considering the math and when I left town- - You're unbelievable.
- There's, like, a 60% chance of all nut allergies originating from a genetic inheritance.
Which means what? He's your son? I just think that's kinda rare.
- It's not that rare.
- Yeah, it is.
No, it's not.
million americans have it.
Excuse me, everyone? What are you doing? Can I see a show of hands for everyone here with a nut allergy? Okay, please sit down.
Can we talk like adults, please? I'm serious.
Put them up.
I know you're out there.
You got a peanut allergy, too? Maybe.
See? It's not that rare.
Good night, Nick, and good-bye.
Hannah Gavin Goddard.
That is Sam's father's name.
He was a philosophy major at Harvard.
I met him a month after you left at a pub in Boston.
He had a goatee and a tattoo of the notorious B.
I.
G.
on his back.
You want more details? How about this one? I did it because I knew in my bones that you were never coming home to me.
Are you satisfied? Hey.
What happened to the brunette? She wasn't an animal person.
What's up with Ikey? Don't know.
He was hitting it pretty hard tonight.
Do you want me to drag him out of here? No need.
He's spent plenty of nights in that booth.
He'll find his way home when he wakes up.
Buy one for the house? Certainly.
I've always said, Eddie, as shady as it may be, you gotta admire a guy who conjures up a talking raccoon to impress the ladies.
Yeah.
I think maybe what I gotta work on is the type of ladies I'm trying to impress.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Night, Janet.
- Night.
Here you go, pal.
Maybe sometime you want to come out and meet Ernesto the singing koala bear who lives in my attic? Are you asking me out, Eddie? I don't know.
I guess.
Just think about it.
Tell you what I'll think about it.
- Night.
- Night.
I'll be back in six weeks.
Previously on "October Road" Dufresne College called.
They want to know if you'd be interested in teaching a one-day intensive on the art of the novel.
That's in my hometown.
I haven't been back there in ten years.
Thanks for going easy on me in the book.
I read how you made Eddie and Hannah look.
- I gotta warn you, Eddie- - Yeah, I heard.
Long time, Eddie.
You seem to have forgotten which side of October Road you belong on.
Hello, Hannah.
You're a mom, huh? I didn't know that.
How old is Sam? Don't worry.
He's not yours.
All the men in my family have peanut allergies.
One bite of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and I'm a goner.
Oh, there he is.
Liz Taylor get her beauty sleep? Not so much.
That cat Yeah, but what do you care? You get to go back to the delightful sounds of New York City's gunshots and orgies, while we're stuck here with the agonized cries of the horny neighborhood feline.
Yeah, about New York I kind of called an audible last night.
- You're staying? - Thinking about it.
For how long? I'm not sure.
A few weeks? I mean, if that's okay.
That's it.
I can't take it.
It's okay.
Glad to have you.
Thanks.
But, uh, have you counted for the blowback? The blowback? It's, uh, one thing to pay a visit after ten years, but, um, considering the number you did on Knights Ridge in your book, you might meet some resistance to your settling in to the daily hum and drum.
You might encounter a blowback.
I'm finishing this once and for all.
Is that a BB gun? Hey! Just 'cause you are an idiot doesn't mean you need to act like one.
Now I gotta ask you.
What made you decide to stay? You really think the kid is yours? Peanut allergy.
He's got one, just like all the men in my family.
That's way too much of a coincidence.
Okay, only 1% of the population are allergic to peanut proteins.
That's 3 million americans, and there's about a 60% chance of it originating from a genetic inheritance.
So there's a 40% chance it don't.
Well done, Pythagoras.
Thanks for playing.
Pythagoras was a winged horse, greek myth style.
That would be pegasus.
I appreciate the effort.
Guy spends ten years in New York City, he thinks he's Anderson Cooper 360.
If you're convinced you're the dad, how do you play it? Only thing I can think of - ask Hannah straight up.
No, no, no, dropping the allergy bomb on Hannah will freak her out.
Go slow.
Get to know the kid better.
Take it from a father of two, if he is your son, there'll be no mistaking it in time.
But say he is your kid I mean, what then? I don't know.
Hey, Nick's staying, Eddie.
Isn't that great? I'm gonna go get my truck at Sully's.
Well, I better get going, too.
I have to pick up Allison's outfit for date night.
- Date night? - Yeah.
About once every three months, Owen and Allison go out for a nice dinner, but not before picking out outfits for each other to wear.
Yeah, it started 'cause I like her to dress sluttier, and she likes me to dress- Like someone with the ability to look in the mirror? - See ya, man.
- I'll see ya, man.
- Later, man.
- See you, buddy.
Come on, Owen.
I'll get you that date night mix CD I made for you guys.
Thanks, buddy.
The only reason I told you any of that stuff about me and Owen's wife is 'cause I thought you were leaving town.
You ain't gonna say nothin', are ya? It was a one-shot deal, right? No need to ruin a family over one stupid night, right? Give it up.
Hey, who's winning? Hey.
No offense, but you're really milking this good-bye tour.
Actually, I'm staying.
Really? Yeah.
So we-we should hang out sometime.
You know, maybe have a catch? Catch of what? You know, a catch Baseball.
You throw the ball back and forth.
Oh.
Right, a catch.
Hey, Doodie.
Nick wants to have a catch.
Catch of what? It was just an idea.
We can I gotta go walk my mom home from work.
You do that every day? Yeah.
She works for the vet.
Oh, right.
Yeah, she always loved animals.
Okay.
Hey, Nick.
Maybe a catch would be fun sometime.
Cool.
Always a sign of a rough night when you hoof back to your wheels in the afternoon.
Sorry about the ruckus.
No worries.
Old friends getting together after ten years- broken glassware is to be expected.
Hey, last night had nothing to do with Nick.
Right, and I eat corn dogs for the corn.
You know, the past is like a pimple on prom night, Eddie.
You can try and ignore it, but it's still gonna prevent Jimmy Wyper from slow-dancing with you during your favorite Boyz II Men song.
Nick.
Hannah.
Sam told me you're staying.
Yeah, I I wanted to actually talk to you- That's good for you.
I guess.
But asking my son to play catch- that is a problem.
So here's the deal.
It's cool if you want to stay.
I can't stop you.
But I have worked very hard to create a life for myself, and most importantly, Sam.
You can't just wander into our lives-not now- and do nothing except make things more confusing for everyone.
- Hey, look- - It's it's an applecart, and it's delicate.
I'm not going to do "nothing.
" Really? I'm staying because the college offered me a job.
- They did? - Yeah.
To do what? To teach the kids.
For real.
All I'm asking of you, Nick, is just please, please, please, please just don't upset the applecart.
- Okay.
- Okay.
The college really offer you a job? Not so much.
Welcome to the blowback.
What you're saying is that she thinks that you think that her kid is yours.
That is what I think.
Aw, that's utter nonsense.
You don't know everything, dad.
There's things.
There's evidence and clues and there's things.
We're talking the paperboy here.
Yeah.
He walks her home from work every day.
Isn't that sweet? All right.
How do I look? You really gonna do this? Well, told her I got a job at the Doof, so I gotta go get a job at the Doof.
I thought you wiped out there the other day.
I did.
But why wouldn't they want me? I'm a big-time novelist, dad.
Is this a joke? Because if this is a joke, I'm still stuck in the setup, which, as you may recall, involved you panicking and sputtering your way out of a 1-day seminar with a case of the dry heaves, leaving an entire lecture hall in the lurch.
And now you want me to give you your own class? Just a little class - a nice little graduate writing class.
What makes you think you can actually teach? And please, don't tell me it's because you wrote a popular novel.
No.
No.
But the journey, getting there, the journey that those students wish to embark upon- I can share my experience.
Then let's talk about that journey.
Let's talk about it.
The, um epic struggle of a coward who left his home, wrote a book about the friends and family that he abandoned for reasons unknown and now is afraid to face his own life.
Wow.
I think you're leaving out the part where I burned down the orphanage and drunk-dialed the pope.
A teacher, by nature, is a leader.
And a leader is someone who embraces their life, not one who runs away from it.
In other words, Mr.
Garrett, my students have nothing to learn from you.
I'm gonna go.
And thus, the arsonist returns to the scene of his last great blaze.
Going down in flames does seem to be the motif.
What's the difference between self-pity and self-loathing? Well, I'd answer you but I'm too busy feeling sorry for my vile existence.
- Have you met this dean Etwood? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
What about her? Just that she's like Stalin, only without the dreamy compassion.
Hey.
- A lot of beer.
- We're stockpiling.
Ikey heard there might be a nuclear war this weekend.
True dat.
Darcy, what goes on? You weren't gonna ever call, were you? Oh, no, not Darcy from the hardware store.
What? Dude, I liked Darcy from the hardware store.
Man, do you get around.
You're like the flu, only with a zipper.
He don't call.
What, are you new? This is Eddie Latekka.
Repeat business makes him nervous.
No offense.
His bad, not yours.
What's so funny? Look, son, you're pushing 30.
Are you ever gonna get married? When did that clearly defined line between selling booze and being pals become blurred? Look, all I'm saying is, what's next? No idea.
It's wild that you grew up here.
Why? I don't know.
It's just so quaint.
Berkeley isn't quaint? No, it is, but quaint with an edge.
- Edgy quaint.
- Barefoot quaint.
- Patchouli quaint.
- "Kill the rich" quaint.
Speaking of which, the bill collectors can't be barking too loud.
Why are you sweating this whole job thing? Feels right.
Qualify.
Okay, well it's like, if I can't do that, then what good am I? And who knows? You know, maybe someday I become a dad.
Isn't that what you're supposed to do with children-teach them? I think you gotta flip the script.
You know, make a case for yourself with the dean.
I mean, you're back in your hometown.
There's gotta be someone who can vouch for you.
Someone who can speak to the virtues of Nick "not Nicholson" Garrett.
There's gotta be someone.
So you gonna be okay with the whole Nicky-staying-in-the-ridge thing? Not much choice, right? There's gotta be some sort of a reckoning payback.
What kind of payback? I'll know it when I see it.
The universe will provide.
Check it.
There's Nicky now with that lolly from the other night, the one you practically K.
O.
'd due to your thuggery.
Is that right? Is that her? I think he digs her.
Yeah, why wouldn't he? I mean, she's a she's a Bro! You're not gonna God, I love the universe.
Somewhere in these boxes is my tenth grade report card penned by Mrs.
Gertrude Weiner.
Now if memory serves, Mrs.
Weiner waxed rhapsodic in those pages- a love letter to all things Nick Garrett.
And you think that if you present it to the dean, - she'll see the light.
- Exactly.
The dean gives me the job, Hannah sees that I'm committed, I have a "function" Hannah tells me the truth about Sam.
Handing over a 12-year-old report card as a job reference- it may come across a little goofy.
See, I thought about that.
But the goofiness is part of the plan.
It's charm.
I'll get it.
Hey.
Hey, Sam.
You ready for that catch? You know, now's not really a good time.
Uh, I'll come back later.
I don't think so.
I'm gonna be busy indefinitely.
Indefinitely? Like forever? Not forever but just for now.
Okay.
Bang! Boom! You just gave the heisman to a 10-year-old.
Hannah told me to stay away.
Well, even so, I mean, that's cold, brophus.
That-that's popsicle cold.
Polar bear cold.
Eskimo cold.
Igloo cold- I got it, Ronnie! Do you know the first thing they legislated when rebuilding New Orleans? They went wi-fi and hooked up the entire city with wireless internet.
Well, it's good enough for a city under water, it's good enough for Knights Ridge.
- Hey! - Jasper! Casper! What do you say you boys don't do that, okay? Don't play with your peas.
So, Sam how's life in the hustle? Peaks and valleys.
- Is this about Nick? - Nick? What about Nick? Because I told you, sweetie, Nick is just visiting.
That's how you have to think about it, and you shouldn't let it hurt your feelings.
Can I be excused? Okay.
Plates in the sink.
What? If I say it, it's gonna be a thing.
Say it.
Okay.
It's just you invite me and the boys over for a nice dinner, and I'm sitting here looking into your beautiful eyes, enjoying your signature cranberry pork chop, only to find out there's some kind of hidden drama with Nick Garrett, you and Sam.
There's no hidden drama.
How would I know? All that I want, all that I have ever worked for, is for us to one day be a family.
I'm sorry about the way my boys torment Sam I'm just trying to make things right here.
I know you are, and you've been amazing.
We're good.
Nick can't change any of that.
He probably won't even stick around, and if he does so what? We're good right now, Ray.
We're good.
Dude, is that Eddie Latekka crossing ooad and going to the Doof? Eddie Latekka never goes to the Doof.
Hey, kid, come here! Wait.
Hold on! I wanna get a look at ya.
Hey, Kitty.
- Hello, Hannah.
- Hello.
My pet here needs a little attending to.
This is yours, Mr.
Garrett? Yeah, that's right.
How old is this cat? - He's 7.
- This cats a female.
Yeah.
And, um what's her name? Sunrise.
And, um, what's wrong with Sunrise? I don't know.
He's just a little, um sluggish.
- She.
- She.
Is that your son? Sam.
You're my paperboy.
Yeah.
I'll have Dr.
Jeffers take a look.
I'll have Dr.
Jeffers take a look.
Oh, that'd be great.
I'll be back for him later.
- Her.
- Her.
Her.
Good-bye, Sunrise.
Why did he bring Bumper here? I have no idea.
This is our cat.
Hey, you, um got a second? Well, not if the upshot is catastrophic injury.
Nah, it's nothing like that.
I just wanna apologize for roughing up your friend.
A few too many tequilas misguided anger.
Mm-hmm, yep.
So you, uh, you have a problem with Nick Garrett? Garrett? Nah.
I went to high school with the guy, but I hardly know him.
Man, I haven't been here in years.
It was occasioned by what? Well, my desire to make things right by you, and and to give you this.
You made me a mix? I made you a mix.
- I'm Aubrey.
- Eddie.
Interesting selections, especially track two.
You know, I'd have pegged you for more of a John Cougar Mellencamp guy than a John Cougar guy.
So you maybe wanna hang out sometime, talk a little more evolution of Mellencamp, little pink houses and such? Tonight good? I'm meeting some friends at Sully's.
Maybe I stop by? Maybe you do.
Hey.
- You and ma.
- Yeah.
She'd have got a kick out of all the fanciness you got going on.
I don't know.
I think she might've been creased from me staying away ten years.
But you're back now where you belong.
That's all that counts.
It's how you close the game, not the score at halftime.
Hold on.
Pay dirt! - Is that the report card? - Yeah! But it's wounded.
It's smudged.
It's unreadable.
Game over.
Not true.
I think we can do much better.
Forget about handing in ancient documents.
Nothing beats a live testimonial.
It's like I always say - if you can't deliver the bacon, bring 'em the pig.
You always say that? Well, I will from now on.
If you can't deliver the bacon, bring 'em the pig.
Thank you for seeing me again.
You said you were bringing pie.
No, I didn't.
My assistant told me, "Nicholson Garrett called to say he'd like to come by again, but this time he's bringing pie.
" That's why I agreed.
No pie? - No pie.
- Then good day.
Just hear me out.
Okay, I know how you feel about me, and I know that there's nothing that I can say to change your mind.
But how about the words of a fellow teacher? I present Mrs.
Gertrude Weiner- Massachusetts educational system, and my tenth grade english teacher.
How do you do? It's a pleasure.
I, um, I-I just want you to know that Nicholas is a wonderful young man.
Watching him maneuver his way through semicolons, I - I knew he would go far.
You should think of what he can bring to the students.
I am thinking of the students.
That's why I am not hiring Mr.
Garrett, because he is the very worst thing a teacher could be- a dilettante, someone who does a job to suit his momentary needs.
He reminds me of another man who came down to teach at a school in a parish of New orleans.
Only this man- he told the students that they could learn to sing.
And so he sang to them, and the song was "Where is love?" from the show "Oliver!" But then this man- he left soon after, back to his real life, leaving the students devastated.
I remember that because I was one of those children, and I remember the crushing sense of loss when that man left.
So do not talk to me about the students, Mrs.
Weiner, because everything I do, every fiber of my being is for these students.
I'm sorry.
She - Oh.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Hello? Hey, Hannah.
My father? What? I told you I wasn't going to meddle in Hannah's affairs, and then you go and do that? It was their cat! You demented? Huh? Hannah's not a moron.
She knows exactly why you went in there, boy detective.
And I'll tell you what- she's furious, and she has a right to be.
- I mean, you literally, you just - He has her eyes.
walked in there with some cat that you scooped off the sidewalk and some ridiculous story about- Nicky he has her eyes.
What did you say? The boy.
He has your mother's eyes.
The girl at the end of the bar thought you looked thirsty.
The rabbit-faced one? No, pert and perky on the corner.
Dude what goes on? Nothing.
I'm just not in the mood.
- Are you okay, Eddie? - Yeah.
I've never seen you pass up an opportunity.
I'm just tired of all the endless chitchat about meaningless bock that accompanies these hookups.
Maybe you should try a different type of girl- fewer empty calories more nutrition.
Maybe I should turn over a new leaf.
Maybe you're not looking in the right places.
Let me grab two fresh ones.
There's a new leaf.
Go turn it over.
Hey.
People in small-town america really do this, Mr.
Garrett? Throw rocks at windows? I'm sorry for the intrusion.
Oh, honey, we are well past the intrusion phase.
This is more like an invasion.
Look, I'm trying to confront the stuff that I ran from years ago, and I'm willing to face anything - anything that comes my way.
I will not leave you, dean Etwood, or your students either.
This time, I'm not leaving anything until it's ready to be left.
Well, what an inspirational tale.
But right now, Mr.
Garrett, I'm going back to sleep.
Please, dean Etwood! Just Remember your "Oliver Twist"? What? What are you talking about? * Where is love? * * Does it fall from skies above? * What the heck do you think you're doing? * Is it underneath the willow tree * * That I've been dreaming of? * Have you lost your mind? You have no idea.
Please.
I will open up registration on monday.
You can start your class a week from then, but strictly on a probationary basis.
Now get the hell off my lawn before I remember where I keep my ex-husband's shotgun.
Okay, thank you so much.
Thank you.
- Get off my lawn now.
- I'm leaving right now.
Bye.
Twice in one week? Should I be worried about you? I'll let you know in about half an hour.
I'm gonna grab a booth.
There is no way a talking raccoon lives in your backyard.
Ralphie-the-talking-raccoon.
It's real as rain.
You don't believe me, come see for yourself.
- I'm five minutes away.
- Okay.
All right.
I'll bite.
But if there's no Ralphie, you pick up the tab for my friends tonight.
Deal.
But if there is a Ralphie, I get to hold your hand for five minutes.
- Three minutes.
- Four.
Three and a half, but no stroking.
Done.
Shall we? See you, guys.
Talking raccoon failproof.
Well, everybody, here we are! - Don't I look awesome? - Okay.
Thank you.
Hi.
Do you like my Looks like another date night for the Rowans.
Lame.
I think it's cute the way they keep the torch of married love alive.
Oh, what's he got on, six-shooters and spurs? Or is he Robin Hood again? Huh? It's toned down from last month.
A tailcoat and top hat for him Yeah, sounds mad discreet.
And for, uh, what's her name again? - Alison.
- Right.
A slutty but super sexy cocktail dress.
Oh, hey, buddy! Come on.
Have a drink with us.
I'm good.
You guys do your thing.
You sure? All right, buddy.
We'll do our thing.
- Hey, Ikey.
- Hey.
Go get 'em, Pythagoras.
Hey, Ralphie! Come on out.
We got company.
Ralphie, come out, buddy.
Are you really gonna play this whole thing out? Oh.
He does this every now and again.
Don't worry.
He'll appear.
- Ralphie! - What's all the racket down there? Hey, Phil, is Ralphie around? I heard him come in, but he might've gone back out for smokes.
Wow, you guys are seriously bent.
Whoa.
This is no laughing matter.
Okay, Ralphie has tried to quit many times before.
Big tobacco's really got their claws in that raccoon.
Oh! Did you hear that? I think Ralphie might be home.
Ralphie, that you? What do you want, Latekka? Come say hi.
We got a visitor.
Leave me alone! Sometimes he gets a little cranky.
Dude, would you just don't be rude! Come on out for two seconds.
I'm tired, all right? It's been a long day.
Who is the babe, though? Very hot.
No wonder Nick Garrett's got a thing for her, huh? See? There really is a talking raccoon.
I believe it's time to cash in on my winnings.
- Wow.
Really? - What? What was that Ralphie said about Nick Garrett? What? Uh I don't know.
He's drunk.
So that's what this is all about.
What? Somewhere in the frozen tundra of your brain, you think that getting with me is gonna bother Nick, right? And the very idea of that makes you feel tall? But that's not what this is- But isn't it, though, that this is all about that? So, what if it is? Now that you're here I'm here because I'm What's your excuse? Hey, Ralphie, you seem like a nice guy.
I think you can do better than "Casa-no-good" over here.
Thanks for nothing, pal.
Hey.
Can I get two champagne cocktails? - Coming up.
- Thank you.
So I left you a message.
I know.
And you, uh, you never called back.
I, uh things were hectic.
See you tuesday? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Great dress.
Hey! Wow! Hello, Mr.
Eichorn.
Hey.
Thank you.
You said you had news? I got a job at the Doof.
You told me.
Right.
I know you know.
I told you.
Look, I'm really sorry about my dad.
I swear I had no idea.
- But about Sam - Yeah? Look I completely respect you being protective over him, and I would not want to offend that in any way, but but something slipped out the other day, something that Sam said about his peanut allergy.
Sure.
Sam has a peanut allergy.
- So? - So? All the men in my family have peanut allergies, which are kinda rare, and considering the math and when I left town- - You're unbelievable.
- There's, like, a 60% chance of all nut allergies originating from a genetic inheritance.
Which means what? He's your son? I just think that's kinda rare.
- It's not that rare.
- Yeah, it is.
No, it's not.
million americans have it.
Excuse me, everyone? What are you doing? Can I see a show of hands for everyone here with a nut allergy? Okay, please sit down.
Can we talk like adults, please? I'm serious.
Put them up.
I know you're out there.
You got a peanut allergy, too? Maybe.
See? It's not that rare.
Good night, Nick, and good-bye.
Hannah Gavin Goddard.
That is Sam's father's name.
He was a philosophy major at Harvard.
I met him a month after you left at a pub in Boston.
He had a goatee and a tattoo of the notorious B.
I.
G.
on his back.
You want more details? How about this one? I did it because I knew in my bones that you were never coming home to me.
Are you satisfied? Hey.
What happened to the brunette? She wasn't an animal person.
What's up with Ikey? Don't know.
He was hitting it pretty hard tonight.
Do you want me to drag him out of here? No need.
He's spent plenty of nights in that booth.
He'll find his way home when he wakes up.
Buy one for the house? Certainly.
I've always said, Eddie, as shady as it may be, you gotta admire a guy who conjures up a talking raccoon to impress the ladies.
Yeah.
I think maybe what I gotta work on is the type of ladies I'm trying to impress.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Night, Janet.
- Night.
Here you go, pal.
Maybe sometime you want to come out and meet Ernesto the singing koala bear who lives in my attic? Are you asking me out, Eddie? I don't know.
I guess.
Just think about it.
Tell you what I'll think about it.
- Night.
- Night.