Off the Hook (2009) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
Scarlet was really angry with me, wasn't she? Cos she threw herself at you and you ran off with Becky? What's wrong with that? I feel terrible.
Like I've really done a horrible thing.
I'm not sure I can forgive myself.
Yeah.
What do you think of these chat-up lines? "Is your dad a thief?" Why? "Cos he must have stolen your eyes from some kind of museum!" Terrible! "You're so hot, I could drink you in the morning with milk and sugar, "like some kind of hot tea.
" Shane, that is just awful! I'll just stick with the "party in my pants" line.
Shane What's going on? The building's been condemned.
Apparently they put a notice through the door.
Which idiot didn't pass it on? Not me! Me, neither! They can't do this! I'm gonna complain to whoever it is you complain to when this kind of thing happens.
What's that in your hand? Oh, THAT notice! I'm not turned on to love until it's cheap I've been let down, I've messed around I'm having fun, don't put me down I'll never let you sweep me off my feet.
This is brilliant! We've been upgraded! What do you reckon, Fred? It's faceless and devoid of humanity.
It reminds me of death.
But apart from that? Whoa! 'Doors opening.
' Hey, guys.
'Doors closing.
' So, you guys are living here now, yeah? Welcome.
It's a good hood.
Yeah.
Thanks for putting us in a condemned building, by the way.
Hey, man.
Peace.
Not war.
Are we good, big man? Are we good? Hey? Hey? Hey, we're neighbours, now.
I'll be able to come round all the time.
We can pop in each other's flats.
You know what? Tonight I'm gonna get my bongos, I'm gonna get my djembe and we're just gonna jam! Maybe even do a bit of tribal chants, share a bowl of hot mate.
Mmm! Who's up for that? Uh, I've got some work to do, so no.
Right.
Oh, I'd love to, but I've got to sit in my room.
Scarlet? Hot mate? No, thanks.
'Doors opening.
' We're still on the ground floor! Yeah, it keeps doing this.
Digs, man.
'Doors opening.
' SHANE CHUCKLES DELIGHTEDLY It's all right here, innit? And we're all living together, which is good.
Yeah (!) Sweet! So who gets which room? It's in the letter they gave us.
What? At least we don't have to put up with weird bloke any more.
INTENSELY LOUD SYNTHESISED DRUMMING I'm not sleeping next to that! That means I'm next to you.
Yeah.
Brilliant.
Still not happy with you, then? Do you think? Hold on! So I am next to weird bloke! You can lean on me Cry on my shoulder If I'm Obelix You are my boulder You can lean on me Cry on my shoulder You can lean on me.
Are you doing the washing up? That's not like you! You never know who used this stuff before us.
They might have had scabies.
Shane, that's not washing-up liquid.
Look, it's toilet detergent.
And you're not even wearing gloves.
I thought it smelled a bit funny.
It's probably OK.
It's the same old stuff.
Apart from travel wash and mouthwash.
Don't mix those up! What are you gonna do about Scarlet? I've no idea.
Listen, if you want my advice - and you do - the best thing is pretend the whole thing never happened.
Deny any memory of the event whatsoever.
Never mention it.
Eventually it'll just go away.
That wouldn't be fair on Scarlet.
And get your toilet detergent hand off my shoulder.
Sorry.
Forget about Scarlet.
We need to get you back on the donkey, amigo.
I'm gonna make it my own personal mission to hook you up with the hottest girl on campus.
I'm talking hot like a curry! Like a vindaloo, man.
Like tssst! I'll have it done by lunchtime.
Yeah, sure! Hey!.
.
Sorry! Remember the motto, all right? When Shane is on a mission, and that mission needs to be accomplished, then that mission, whatever it is, will be accomplished.
Save for any circumstances that are beyond his control.
Even then, he'll give it a damn good go.
Yeah.
Snappy.
Oh, God.
I've got a whole year of awkwardness.
It won't be awkward.
Course it will! I'm telling you it won't be.
DOOR SLAMS What were you talking about? Nothing.
We weren't talking about you.
Course not.
Not at all.
Fred! Fred! How's it going? Where are you going? To the shop.
No, don't! Don't go to the shop.
Stay here and chat.
Yeah, we haven't had a chat in ages.
What have you been up to, mate? I've been working on my new song.
That's good! What's it called? It's called "What's The Point?" Sounds interesting.
It's about how I feel that my soul has been emptied of any sense of joy or purpose.
It's been replaced with disillusion, disappointment and despair.
Well, let's hear it! Scarlet wants to hear it.
Not particularly.
Course she does.
And Danny does.
Play on, man! Is it particularly long or.
.
? Yeah.
What's the point of waking up What's the point of getting out of bed What's the point of anything When we're all Gonna end up dead? What's the point of knives and forks What's the point of spoons What's the point of anything When the entire human race is doomed? What's the poi-i-i-i-nt What's the poi-i-i-i-nt When we're all gonna die That includes you.
That's it.
Bye.
That was really good.
Could I use it as my ringtone? I've gotta go.
Scarlet, wait.
'Doors closing.
' Whoa! 'Doors opening.
' What do you want, Danny? I wanted to apologise about what happened last night.
I do care.
Honestly.
Yeah.
Course you do.
That's why you were running after Becky all night.
HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Oh, Becky, I love you.
You're so pretty! I don't sound like that! Yes, you do! What, like a posh old lady? Yeah! Thanks.
I just want us to be mates.
I've only known you for a week.
We've never really been mates.
Well, we're flatmates.
And that has got "mates" in the word.
So OK.
Fine.
Flatmates.
'Doors opening.
' Good.
I'm glad I caught you two.
I really want us to sort this out.
It's OK No, Danny.
No.
I just think we should be able to get past this, you know? What happened with you two and Becky and all that.
It's just That happens at university.
People get together with people they don't fancy and regret it.
Shane! I'm sure even I'll end up pulling a minger and waking up and looking over and like, "What have I done? "She's disgusting!" The only minger you'd pull would be a blind, deaf swamp donkey with severe mental issues! I tried, mate.
Guess it is gonna be awkward after all.
'Doors closing.
' I want to say this in the nicest possible way.
Becky and Scarlet hate your guts and won't speak to you again.
Learn to accept it.
Was that really the nicest possible way? I'm saying you should move on.
Look around you.
We're surrounded by women.
Look! Gagging for it.
I'm telling you, we could pull anyone we want.
Not anyone.
Yes, anyone.
I'm telling you it's all about confidence.
Watch this.
Stop.
What are you gonna do? I'm gonna use the "party in my pants" line.
Shane, not that line.
It's lame! It's brilliant.
It's my best line.
Just watch.
Hey, how's it going? NORDIC ACCENT: Fine, thanks.
Listen, I just thought you should know there's a party in my pants and you're invited.
Great! I'm sorry, where is the party? In my pants.
What is that, a club or something? I don't know it.
No, there's a party in my pants.
Down my trousers! Where? My trousers.
My trousers.
My pants.
Listen.
There's a party, yeah? In my pants.
And you are invited.
I'm sorry.
I don't understand.
Please explain one more time.
THERE'S A PARTY IN MY PANTS and you Just forget it.
That looked like it worked out pretty well! She was weird, OK? Wow! Fit girl! Fit girl! You should try it on with her.
For one thing, she's a third year.
And for another thing, she is .
.
totally out of my league.
I know that, but she doesn't.
Oh, God, she's coming towards us.
Oh, God, she is.
What do you think she wants? I don't know! Be calm.
Be cool.
Hi.
How's it going? Um, yeah, good.
How are you? Are you guys freshers? No.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Want to come to a party tonight? Is it in your pants? No.
It's at the Union Bar.
Well, an abso-flippin' yes, please! It's really for third years, but I'll get you in.
Coolio.
What kind of tunes are you gonna be banging out? It's a hip hop party.
Do you like hip hop? Do we like hip hop? Danny, do we like hip hop? No, not particularly.
Yeah, we do.
We love hip hop.
We're all about hip hop.
And some Grime, too.
Oh, sweet.
Grime, dirt, filth, mud.
We love it all, don't we, Homie? Yeah, it's well cool, I suppose.
He's being coy.
This guy's a hip hop fiend.
You should see the walls of his crib, covered in posters of famous hip hop stars.
Totally dope.
Cool.
Who's your favourite, then? Um The Notorious BFG.
Or .
.
Puff-Doggy.
Are you joking? Yes.
That's funny.
Oh! You should definitely come tonight.
OK! Great! Fly.
Yeah, fly! What's your name? I'm D-Danny.
D- Danny? No.
No, no, no.
Just Danny.
You're kinda cute.
You got a date tonight, D-Danny? No.
Well, you have now.
Oh, really? Who with? Me.
Oh! Wow! So I'll see you about nine o'clock, then.
Great! Don't be late.
Oh, my God! Did that actually just happen? I don't know.
I've gone numb.
I can't feel my legs! God, that was unbelievable! Come on.
Get up.
I haven't finished my lunch yet.
No time for that.
We've got to get you dressed.
I am dressed.
I'm gonna take you to cool school, dog.
Teach you how to kick it freestyle, know what I'm saying? Would you mind speaking in English? Do you want to get with this chick? Yes! Well, then, come on! Fred, you'll not believe what just happened Sorry, I didn't mean to barge in.
It's all right.
These guys want to sign me up.
Sign you up? For a record deal.
Oh.
Er Cool.
So I'm thinking tour of Japan.
What the hell was that about? I don't know! It's ridiculous.
Anyway, we've got to get you sorted.
Maybe I should just be myself.
Are you completely mad? She thinks you're this hip hop maverick.
That's why she asked you out on a date.
Really? Is that why? No, I'm sure she wants to go on a date with a thin, dweebie first year! Of course that's why! I made her think you were totally gangsta so you have to live up to your reputation.
Make her think you're a pimp hustler.
I don't listen at all When I'm terribly upset I know I've got to carry on.
Also, can you put a Vaporub on my rider.
If we take Japan, we can take the world.
Sometimes how I keep from going under Thunder clouds everywhere I go.
Fred.
What happened to the record execs? I sent them away.
We weren't on the same page, creatively.
Right.
Have you got a minute? AUTOMATED VOICE: 6.
06pm.
Yeah, all right.
Brilliant.
Let me present to you the brand-new Danny Cool! Shane, I can't Just come out.
Just come out! What do you reckon? I like it.
See? What did I tell you? I look like a muppet! No, you look like a home boy.
Maya ain't gonna be able to keep her hands off you! What's all this in aid of? Fred, you should have seen it, man.
Danny got chatted up by this fit third year.
She was all over him.
"Danny, please come to my party.
"You're so fit and we could rub each other with " All right, Scarlet? What the hell are you wearing? Oh, just some clothes that Shane lent me.
The label's still on that.
That's Crunk.
Plus I can get my money back.
Do you have any idea what you look like? I think I do, yeah.
Don't listen to her! She's just jealous.
Yeah, that's right! It's my dream to go out with a guy who looks like a seven-year-old with his backside hanging out! That's sick.
She's right.
I look ridiculous.
What does she know about hip hop? What do I know about hip hop? You don't need to.
You've got me.
I'm the hip hop maven! Wanna come to the party, Fred? Yeah, all right.
Right.
"Phat" means cool.
Yeah? Fat? You gotta say it with a "ph".
Phat.
Fat.
You're saying it with an "F".
Fat.
No, phat.
Fat.
You're still saying it with an "F".
Fat.
Close enough.
Fat.
Remember, your friends are your homies.
And girls are bitches or hoes.
Isn't that a bit offensive? Nah, not in the hip hop world.
It's a compliment.
Calling a girl a hoe is a compliment? Yeah.
A hoe is a really fit girl.
Top of the line.
Like Maya.
OK.
HIP HOP BEAT POUNDS OU Sorry, lads.
Not tonight.
It's all right.
They're with me.
Oh, yeah! I can't see Maya.
Go look for her, man.
I'll stay here.
Soak up the vibes.
Well, Fredo? Shall we cruise through, chat to some peeps? Pull some chicks? I think we're cool enough to hang out with these third years.
Fred? You're a fresher, aren't you? What are you doing here? This ain't a place for you, man.
Pshhh! I'm not here on my own.
I'm with my mate Danny.
He's totally hip hop.
He's like an MC.
An MC? Yeah.
He's known as the rhyme king.
King of rhyme.
He's really good at rhyme.
You know those rap battles that you do? Well, he's the best.
The best? Yeah, he could beat anyone in this room at a rap battle.
This guy is like Eminem times Dr Dre times a million.
We'll see.
All right.
See you in a bit, guys.
Oh! Hey, Maya.
Hey! Glad you could make it.
Sorry I'm a bit late.
The bus took ages.
I mean my ride.
I pimped my ride.
And it It took ages.
Anyway, you look really phat.
With a "ph"! Not fat.
So.
I heard through the grapevine that you're a photographer.
Maybe you could take some photos of me some time.
In my fashion stuff.
I don't do fashion photos.
But I'll do you! I mean I'll do some of you.
Photos, I mean.
Fashion photos.
OK.
Cool.
Maybe I could put them on my "fashion" website.
OK.
I'm gonna say hi to a few people.
Get yourself a drink and I'll come and find you.
OK.
Catch you laters! This hip hop stuff is really not working out.
It's just not me.
Right.
You and me now.
What? This guy here says you can talk down anyone with your rhyme.
I wanna hear what he's on about.
Rhyme? What rhymes? Yeah, you know.
I told him about how you're the king of rhyme.
King of rhyme? I'm not the king of rhyme! Yo! Turn on the beats! RHYTHMIC BEATS You've been misinformed.
Hey, what's going on? You know this guy? Calls himself the king of rhyme.
I didn't! Ooh, sexy! I feel a battle coming on.
Let's see what you got.
But What the hell am I gonna do? I can't do this! Wing it! Whatever comes into your head.
I'll back you.
Hello.
My name is Danny.
Danny! Gordon.
Gordon's my last name.
Last name.
Danny is my first name.
First name.
Sometimes people say I have two first names.
Two first names.
They call me king of rhyme.
Rhyme.
Because I'm good at rhyme.
Rhyme.
So if you've got the time Time.
.
.
I could do some more rhyme.
Rhyme.
Man, this is awful.
You can't keep saying the same words.
That's not technically rhyming.
Just slag them off and stuff.
Won't they get offended? No, that's what you're supposed to do.
Just slag off their mothers or something.
And your mothers are all fat.
Not with a "ph".
Just fat with a f! Your momma's so fat! I'm getting a bit tired now, so I've got to go.
I'm gonna spend some time with my date Maya, cos she's a real hoe! Hoe! SILENCE Did you just call Maya a hoe? Uh, yeah! Yes, I did.
Well, she is, isn't she? You are! You're the biggest hoe in this room by miles.
That's my opinion, anyway! What? No, we're cool.
I'm taking photos of her for her website.
Now listen.
Maya's my fly girl, yeah? You'd best not talk about her like that.
What's the problem? I just called her a hoe.
That's a good thing, isn't it? Shane, I thought you said "hoe" was a compliment? Must have got that one wrong.
Oi, where are you going? Oi! You! RAPPING: What's the point of living, what's the point of politicians What's the point of standing still when the earth is always spinning What's the point in right and left if we can laugh to death What's the point in what I'm singing The point is I'm the best What's the point of making up What's the point of breaking up It's not working! Swipe it! There's no way! There's no purpose Jump! What's the point of knives and forks What's the point of spoons What's the point? What's the point of anything When the human race is doomed Oi! Come back! What's the point What's the point What's the point when we're all gonna die? What's the point What's the point What's the point when we're all gonna die What's the point What's the point What's the point when we're all gonna die 'Doors closing.
' Damn! That was so close! You can't outrun the Shane-meister! Losers! You guys run like girls! 'Doors opening.
' Hey, guys.
What's up? 'Doors closing.
' How's it going? What's the point of bread and cheese What's the point of dips What's the point of scrambled eggs What's the point of dips What's the point What's the point when we're all gonna die?
Like I've really done a horrible thing.
I'm not sure I can forgive myself.
Yeah.
What do you think of these chat-up lines? "Is your dad a thief?" Why? "Cos he must have stolen your eyes from some kind of museum!" Terrible! "You're so hot, I could drink you in the morning with milk and sugar, "like some kind of hot tea.
" Shane, that is just awful! I'll just stick with the "party in my pants" line.
Shane What's going on? The building's been condemned.
Apparently they put a notice through the door.
Which idiot didn't pass it on? Not me! Me, neither! They can't do this! I'm gonna complain to whoever it is you complain to when this kind of thing happens.
What's that in your hand? Oh, THAT notice! I'm not turned on to love until it's cheap I've been let down, I've messed around I'm having fun, don't put me down I'll never let you sweep me off my feet.
This is brilliant! We've been upgraded! What do you reckon, Fred? It's faceless and devoid of humanity.
It reminds me of death.
But apart from that? Whoa! 'Doors opening.
' Hey, guys.
'Doors closing.
' So, you guys are living here now, yeah? Welcome.
It's a good hood.
Yeah.
Thanks for putting us in a condemned building, by the way.
Hey, man.
Peace.
Not war.
Are we good, big man? Are we good? Hey? Hey? Hey, we're neighbours, now.
I'll be able to come round all the time.
We can pop in each other's flats.
You know what? Tonight I'm gonna get my bongos, I'm gonna get my djembe and we're just gonna jam! Maybe even do a bit of tribal chants, share a bowl of hot mate.
Mmm! Who's up for that? Uh, I've got some work to do, so no.
Right.
Oh, I'd love to, but I've got to sit in my room.
Scarlet? Hot mate? No, thanks.
'Doors opening.
' We're still on the ground floor! Yeah, it keeps doing this.
Digs, man.
'Doors opening.
' SHANE CHUCKLES DELIGHTEDLY It's all right here, innit? And we're all living together, which is good.
Yeah (!) Sweet! So who gets which room? It's in the letter they gave us.
What? At least we don't have to put up with weird bloke any more.
INTENSELY LOUD SYNTHESISED DRUMMING I'm not sleeping next to that! That means I'm next to you.
Yeah.
Brilliant.
Still not happy with you, then? Do you think? Hold on! So I am next to weird bloke! You can lean on me Cry on my shoulder If I'm Obelix You are my boulder You can lean on me Cry on my shoulder You can lean on me.
Are you doing the washing up? That's not like you! You never know who used this stuff before us.
They might have had scabies.
Shane, that's not washing-up liquid.
Look, it's toilet detergent.
And you're not even wearing gloves.
I thought it smelled a bit funny.
It's probably OK.
It's the same old stuff.
Apart from travel wash and mouthwash.
Don't mix those up! What are you gonna do about Scarlet? I've no idea.
Listen, if you want my advice - and you do - the best thing is pretend the whole thing never happened.
Deny any memory of the event whatsoever.
Never mention it.
Eventually it'll just go away.
That wouldn't be fair on Scarlet.
And get your toilet detergent hand off my shoulder.
Sorry.
Forget about Scarlet.
We need to get you back on the donkey, amigo.
I'm gonna make it my own personal mission to hook you up with the hottest girl on campus.
I'm talking hot like a curry! Like a vindaloo, man.
Like tssst! I'll have it done by lunchtime.
Yeah, sure! Hey!.
.
Sorry! Remember the motto, all right? When Shane is on a mission, and that mission needs to be accomplished, then that mission, whatever it is, will be accomplished.
Save for any circumstances that are beyond his control.
Even then, he'll give it a damn good go.
Yeah.
Snappy.
Oh, God.
I've got a whole year of awkwardness.
It won't be awkward.
Course it will! I'm telling you it won't be.
DOOR SLAMS What were you talking about? Nothing.
We weren't talking about you.
Course not.
Not at all.
Fred! Fred! How's it going? Where are you going? To the shop.
No, don't! Don't go to the shop.
Stay here and chat.
Yeah, we haven't had a chat in ages.
What have you been up to, mate? I've been working on my new song.
That's good! What's it called? It's called "What's The Point?" Sounds interesting.
It's about how I feel that my soul has been emptied of any sense of joy or purpose.
It's been replaced with disillusion, disappointment and despair.
Well, let's hear it! Scarlet wants to hear it.
Not particularly.
Course she does.
And Danny does.
Play on, man! Is it particularly long or.
.
? Yeah.
What's the point of waking up What's the point of getting out of bed What's the point of anything When we're all Gonna end up dead? What's the point of knives and forks What's the point of spoons What's the point of anything When the entire human race is doomed? What's the poi-i-i-i-nt What's the poi-i-i-i-nt When we're all gonna die That includes you.
That's it.
Bye.
That was really good.
Could I use it as my ringtone? I've gotta go.
Scarlet, wait.
'Doors closing.
' Whoa! 'Doors opening.
' What do you want, Danny? I wanted to apologise about what happened last night.
I do care.
Honestly.
Yeah.
Course you do.
That's why you were running after Becky all night.
HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Oh, Becky, I love you.
You're so pretty! I don't sound like that! Yes, you do! What, like a posh old lady? Yeah! Thanks.
I just want us to be mates.
I've only known you for a week.
We've never really been mates.
Well, we're flatmates.
And that has got "mates" in the word.
So OK.
Fine.
Flatmates.
'Doors opening.
' Good.
I'm glad I caught you two.
I really want us to sort this out.
It's OK No, Danny.
No.
I just think we should be able to get past this, you know? What happened with you two and Becky and all that.
It's just That happens at university.
People get together with people they don't fancy and regret it.
Shane! I'm sure even I'll end up pulling a minger and waking up and looking over and like, "What have I done? "She's disgusting!" The only minger you'd pull would be a blind, deaf swamp donkey with severe mental issues! I tried, mate.
Guess it is gonna be awkward after all.
'Doors closing.
' I want to say this in the nicest possible way.
Becky and Scarlet hate your guts and won't speak to you again.
Learn to accept it.
Was that really the nicest possible way? I'm saying you should move on.
Look around you.
We're surrounded by women.
Look! Gagging for it.
I'm telling you, we could pull anyone we want.
Not anyone.
Yes, anyone.
I'm telling you it's all about confidence.
Watch this.
Stop.
What are you gonna do? I'm gonna use the "party in my pants" line.
Shane, not that line.
It's lame! It's brilliant.
It's my best line.
Just watch.
Hey, how's it going? NORDIC ACCENT: Fine, thanks.
Listen, I just thought you should know there's a party in my pants and you're invited.
Great! I'm sorry, where is the party? In my pants.
What is that, a club or something? I don't know it.
No, there's a party in my pants.
Down my trousers! Where? My trousers.
My trousers.
My pants.
Listen.
There's a party, yeah? In my pants.
And you are invited.
I'm sorry.
I don't understand.
Please explain one more time.
THERE'S A PARTY IN MY PANTS and you Just forget it.
That looked like it worked out pretty well! She was weird, OK? Wow! Fit girl! Fit girl! You should try it on with her.
For one thing, she's a third year.
And for another thing, she is .
.
totally out of my league.
I know that, but she doesn't.
Oh, God, she's coming towards us.
Oh, God, she is.
What do you think she wants? I don't know! Be calm.
Be cool.
Hi.
How's it going? Um, yeah, good.
How are you? Are you guys freshers? No.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Want to come to a party tonight? Is it in your pants? No.
It's at the Union Bar.
Well, an abso-flippin' yes, please! It's really for third years, but I'll get you in.
Coolio.
What kind of tunes are you gonna be banging out? It's a hip hop party.
Do you like hip hop? Do we like hip hop? Danny, do we like hip hop? No, not particularly.
Yeah, we do.
We love hip hop.
We're all about hip hop.
And some Grime, too.
Oh, sweet.
Grime, dirt, filth, mud.
We love it all, don't we, Homie? Yeah, it's well cool, I suppose.
He's being coy.
This guy's a hip hop fiend.
You should see the walls of his crib, covered in posters of famous hip hop stars.
Totally dope.
Cool.
Who's your favourite, then? Um The Notorious BFG.
Or .
.
Puff-Doggy.
Are you joking? Yes.
That's funny.
Oh! You should definitely come tonight.
OK! Great! Fly.
Yeah, fly! What's your name? I'm D-Danny.
D- Danny? No.
No, no, no.
Just Danny.
You're kinda cute.
You got a date tonight, D-Danny? No.
Well, you have now.
Oh, really? Who with? Me.
Oh! Wow! So I'll see you about nine o'clock, then.
Great! Don't be late.
Oh, my God! Did that actually just happen? I don't know.
I've gone numb.
I can't feel my legs! God, that was unbelievable! Come on.
Get up.
I haven't finished my lunch yet.
No time for that.
We've got to get you dressed.
I am dressed.
I'm gonna take you to cool school, dog.
Teach you how to kick it freestyle, know what I'm saying? Would you mind speaking in English? Do you want to get with this chick? Yes! Well, then, come on! Fred, you'll not believe what just happened Sorry, I didn't mean to barge in.
It's all right.
These guys want to sign me up.
Sign you up? For a record deal.
Oh.
Er Cool.
So I'm thinking tour of Japan.
What the hell was that about? I don't know! It's ridiculous.
Anyway, we've got to get you sorted.
Maybe I should just be myself.
Are you completely mad? She thinks you're this hip hop maverick.
That's why she asked you out on a date.
Really? Is that why? No, I'm sure she wants to go on a date with a thin, dweebie first year! Of course that's why! I made her think you were totally gangsta so you have to live up to your reputation.
Make her think you're a pimp hustler.
I don't listen at all When I'm terribly upset I know I've got to carry on.
Also, can you put a Vaporub on my rider.
If we take Japan, we can take the world.
Sometimes how I keep from going under Thunder clouds everywhere I go.
Fred.
What happened to the record execs? I sent them away.
We weren't on the same page, creatively.
Right.
Have you got a minute? AUTOMATED VOICE: 6.
06pm.
Yeah, all right.
Brilliant.
Let me present to you the brand-new Danny Cool! Shane, I can't Just come out.
Just come out! What do you reckon? I like it.
See? What did I tell you? I look like a muppet! No, you look like a home boy.
Maya ain't gonna be able to keep her hands off you! What's all this in aid of? Fred, you should have seen it, man.
Danny got chatted up by this fit third year.
She was all over him.
"Danny, please come to my party.
"You're so fit and we could rub each other with " All right, Scarlet? What the hell are you wearing? Oh, just some clothes that Shane lent me.
The label's still on that.
That's Crunk.
Plus I can get my money back.
Do you have any idea what you look like? I think I do, yeah.
Don't listen to her! She's just jealous.
Yeah, that's right! It's my dream to go out with a guy who looks like a seven-year-old with his backside hanging out! That's sick.
She's right.
I look ridiculous.
What does she know about hip hop? What do I know about hip hop? You don't need to.
You've got me.
I'm the hip hop maven! Wanna come to the party, Fred? Yeah, all right.
Right.
"Phat" means cool.
Yeah? Fat? You gotta say it with a "ph".
Phat.
Fat.
You're saying it with an "F".
Fat.
No, phat.
Fat.
You're still saying it with an "F".
Fat.
Close enough.
Fat.
Remember, your friends are your homies.
And girls are bitches or hoes.
Isn't that a bit offensive? Nah, not in the hip hop world.
It's a compliment.
Calling a girl a hoe is a compliment? Yeah.
A hoe is a really fit girl.
Top of the line.
Like Maya.
OK.
HIP HOP BEAT POUNDS OU Sorry, lads.
Not tonight.
It's all right.
They're with me.
Oh, yeah! I can't see Maya.
Go look for her, man.
I'll stay here.
Soak up the vibes.
Well, Fredo? Shall we cruise through, chat to some peeps? Pull some chicks? I think we're cool enough to hang out with these third years.
Fred? You're a fresher, aren't you? What are you doing here? This ain't a place for you, man.
Pshhh! I'm not here on my own.
I'm with my mate Danny.
He's totally hip hop.
He's like an MC.
An MC? Yeah.
He's known as the rhyme king.
King of rhyme.
He's really good at rhyme.
You know those rap battles that you do? Well, he's the best.
The best? Yeah, he could beat anyone in this room at a rap battle.
This guy is like Eminem times Dr Dre times a million.
We'll see.
All right.
See you in a bit, guys.
Oh! Hey, Maya.
Hey! Glad you could make it.
Sorry I'm a bit late.
The bus took ages.
I mean my ride.
I pimped my ride.
And it It took ages.
Anyway, you look really phat.
With a "ph"! Not fat.
So.
I heard through the grapevine that you're a photographer.
Maybe you could take some photos of me some time.
In my fashion stuff.
I don't do fashion photos.
But I'll do you! I mean I'll do some of you.
Photos, I mean.
Fashion photos.
OK.
Cool.
Maybe I could put them on my "fashion" website.
OK.
I'm gonna say hi to a few people.
Get yourself a drink and I'll come and find you.
OK.
Catch you laters! This hip hop stuff is really not working out.
It's just not me.
Right.
You and me now.
What? This guy here says you can talk down anyone with your rhyme.
I wanna hear what he's on about.
Rhyme? What rhymes? Yeah, you know.
I told him about how you're the king of rhyme.
King of rhyme? I'm not the king of rhyme! Yo! Turn on the beats! RHYTHMIC BEATS You've been misinformed.
Hey, what's going on? You know this guy? Calls himself the king of rhyme.
I didn't! Ooh, sexy! I feel a battle coming on.
Let's see what you got.
But What the hell am I gonna do? I can't do this! Wing it! Whatever comes into your head.
I'll back you.
Hello.
My name is Danny.
Danny! Gordon.
Gordon's my last name.
Last name.
Danny is my first name.
First name.
Sometimes people say I have two first names.
Two first names.
They call me king of rhyme.
Rhyme.
Because I'm good at rhyme.
Rhyme.
So if you've got the time Time.
.
.
I could do some more rhyme.
Rhyme.
Man, this is awful.
You can't keep saying the same words.
That's not technically rhyming.
Just slag them off and stuff.
Won't they get offended? No, that's what you're supposed to do.
Just slag off their mothers or something.
And your mothers are all fat.
Not with a "ph".
Just fat with a f! Your momma's so fat! I'm getting a bit tired now, so I've got to go.
I'm gonna spend some time with my date Maya, cos she's a real hoe! Hoe! SILENCE Did you just call Maya a hoe? Uh, yeah! Yes, I did.
Well, she is, isn't she? You are! You're the biggest hoe in this room by miles.
That's my opinion, anyway! What? No, we're cool.
I'm taking photos of her for her website.
Now listen.
Maya's my fly girl, yeah? You'd best not talk about her like that.
What's the problem? I just called her a hoe.
That's a good thing, isn't it? Shane, I thought you said "hoe" was a compliment? Must have got that one wrong.
Oi, where are you going? Oi! You! RAPPING: What's the point of living, what's the point of politicians What's the point of standing still when the earth is always spinning What's the point in right and left if we can laugh to death What's the point in what I'm singing The point is I'm the best What's the point of making up What's the point of breaking up It's not working! Swipe it! There's no way! There's no purpose Jump! What's the point of knives and forks What's the point of spoons What's the point? What's the point of anything When the human race is doomed Oi! Come back! What's the point What's the point What's the point when we're all gonna die? What's the point What's the point What's the point when we're all gonna die What's the point What's the point What's the point when we're all gonna die 'Doors closing.
' Damn! That was so close! You can't outrun the Shane-meister! Losers! You guys run like girls! 'Doors opening.
' Hey, guys.
What's up? 'Doors closing.
' How's it going? What's the point of bread and cheese What's the point of dips What's the point of scrambled eggs What's the point of dips What's the point What's the point when we're all gonna die?