On the Couch (2013) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
(SIGHS) FINGERS DRUM ON COUCH.
TEXT MESSAGE ALER (LAUGHS) Oh right.
Stop it.
Moya's eh not here.
Obviously.
She's on her way.
Traffic.
Just taxied in myself.
TEXT MESSAGE ALERT.
Ah, here's a twitter feed now.
'Will be along shortly.
Stuck.
'.
I didn't realise they were, verboten.
Despite the fact that we're eh, living apart, I think eh, the last week has been very.
.
um, hopeful.
It's been quiet, I suppose, without her.
I'm there on my own.
No-one to talk to.
(DRAWS DEEP BREATH) This enforced absence, seems bloody pointless really.
I-I-If I'm home alone, and you're up there living with Carmel Downey! Carmel Downey is my friend and mentor from Slenderize and has been a fantastic support to me.
She's a busybody is what she is.
Yeah, well the week has been Desperate.
Understandable, getting this whole thing in motion.
I didn't want to come here at first.
I'll be honest about that.
But after last week, I felt I was finally getting a chance to say things to Dudley.
Of course he didn't want to know.
He thinks we can just box things off.
Just come in here, deal with it and forgeh' about it.
It's not as simple as tha'.
Busy, you know.
Work.
Big, big project coming up, you know? Multi-tasking Mums, eh? What a life, Mums.
My Mum, Harriet? Em Not a great kids Mum.
But she's a lot nicer since the dementia set in.
We've got a lot of catching up to do.
That's the beautiful thing about dementia really.
It doesn't affect your long term memory.
So we can talk about my childhood.
Not that she was ever there.
She loves the trips since they came along.
Our triplets, Orwell, Virgil, Caesar.
I mean, if you think twins know each other, you should see trips.
Scary.
After last week's session, I eh I-I-I rang Brendan, but he didn't answer and eh you know, I was going to call again, but Carmel Downey said to me: 'Don't call him.
' (SIGHS) Well em, sure enough, a few days later, Brendan called me, and he eh He asked me if I'd like to eh He asked me if I'd like to meet for a bite to eat in Cassidy's carvery which I thought was a lovely gesture, you know eh.
.
I know Brendan prefers Fennelly's but eh but I like Cassidy's, it's got a lot more healthy options on the menu.
But I was delighted about that.
Yeah, well it's easier to get in and out of.
De girls, obviously, know something's going on.
I mean, Jade and Edel, they're like da'.
As sisters and you can see it in their act as well.
They harmonize fabulous, they know what the other is thinking, you know? Now Edel.
Edel is that little bit heavier, you know.
She will always reach for the biscuit tin in a time of crisis.
So now, on top of trying to keep a normal life, things have been very tense between myself and Dudley, I'm picking the girls up from school, bringing them to singing classes, dance classes, you know? Now I've to bring Edel up and down to Weight Watchers.
So to be honest, it's stressful.
I went away to Prep School at 6, with Harriet as the incoming wife of Mungo.
My Dad.
Em, I came back at mid-term and she was gone.
Replaced by a German dancer with an eating problem, Katarina.
'Hello, this is your new Mum'.
It didn't last long.
People sort of came and went in my life.
Things aren't permanent, are they? Yeah, so I would say it was a normal, sort of, upbringing.
Yeah.
DRUMS FINGERS ON COUCH.
The day we were to meet, I was actually very nervous.
I couldn't decide what to wear.
I was trying on this and that, you know? I worked myself into an awful tizzy.
Carmel Downey threw me in a thong and told me it was what was underneath that counts.
She's a looper.
Anyway, I calmed down a bit after that, you know? And I just put on a pink polo neck, you know? In the end I was glad actually, because Brendan turned up pretty casual.
When I got to Cassidy's, there was no sign of Brendan.
I mean, he's never normally late.
He's a real stickler.
I wasn't late.
Well, he wasn't inside the pub anyway.
So I sat down at the bar and had a little glass of Chardonnay to calm the nerves.
And sure enough, e-e-eventually Brendan showed up, you know? I wasn't late.
In Cassidy's they have a huge number of disabled car parking spaces and I wasn't able to park! (SIGHS) I don't know why they have so many handicapped spaces.
I certainly didn't see any of them in the pub! I think boarding school gets a little bit of a bad press sometimes.
It really does, yeah.
I mean, it entirely depends on the individual.
Some people love it, others hate it.
I remember it.
The crying.
Tears at night.
Bed-wetting.
You know, sort of getting beaten up by the other boys.
I can remember being used as a human dart board.
THAT hurt.
It's true to say, that the foundations of the house have been rocked.
HOWEVER, my relationship with my girls remains cordial.
I think at that age they are very elastic.
You know, well as far as I can see, ever since Jade found out about her Daddy, she has gone very, very argumentative, you know? She's taking it out on me, and they say they do that, they take it out on the mudder.
De victim, you know? But I'm big enough.
I can take it.
But I don't want to see her turning it on herself like she is doing.
She's refusin' to wear make-up.
She doesn't want to appear attractive to men, you know, and I understand tha', maybe it's a phase.
Maybe it's not.
But you know, it's affecting her act! She's a teenager Sylvia.
She's a beautiful looking girl.
Oh, beautiful.
You know, she's a cracker! Stunning.
But even really fantastic lookin' girls need a bit of make-up, under de lights, to really stand out.
So she's turning this in on herself.
She's damaging herself.
I remember the first day.
The day we arrived.
Ohhh.
A long time ago now.
Got into the Daimler.
Drove up from Waterford.
Arrived at the school.
Gates were locked.
Headmaster's away.
And eh Mungo turned to me and said: 'This is your new school.
' (SNIFFS) Got out of the car and eh, he drove off.
Left me at the gates.
I was em 6 years old.
I actually thought that Carmel was very agitated.
I don't know if it was the Chardonnay or what.
She's a few glasses before I arrived.
Well I was waiting long enough Brendan.
I was a bit preoccupied during the meal.
The thong was actually very uncomfortable and I had a little present for Brendan in my pocket and I was wondering when I was going to give it to him, and the television was very noisy and I eh, and I was about to do it and eh and he just shushed me, you know? Some football score.
It wasn't a football score.
Anyway I It was the outcome of the murder trial.
Well I thought to heck with it, there's never a good time.
And I eh, I just slid it across the table to him, and he said to me: 'What the heck is that?'.
Typical.
I mean it's embarrassing to open something in public.
I mean you know what I'm like.
I know! I know Brendan.
Well why did you do it then? It turned out to be embarrassing as well, because when I opened it, I opened it in the office.
And I realised that it was Unisex aftershave.
Carmel, it was effectively perfume that you bought me! Why did you do that? Yes you WOULD expect a certain amount of behavioural erraticness at that age.
But I wouldn't put that all down to me.
You know, hands up.
I did have the affair.
I've already informed you of that fact.
But I don't really think that it's fruitful to overly dwell on the past too much.
The story has actually been out there, in the public domain for quite some time.
B-But if it helps, then I'll cooperate.
I remember the crunching of the gravel, beneath the tyres.
It makes a certain kind of smooth sound in the Daimler.
(SNIFFS) As he drove off, that day.
The feeling of being alone.
I ran after the car, banging on the window.
Begging him to stop, begging him not to leave me.
But It was very hard for me.
Six is quite young really.
(DOOR OPENS) Ok, I'm here now.
Sorry.
Apologies.
Regrets.
Welcome back, chief.
What's wrong with you? Oh God! You haven't been subjected to the gate story, have you? The driveway gets longer with every telling.
Thanks for your sensitivities, Moya.
Oh sorry Bren.
How was your trip(?) How was the flight? Uncomfortable.
First class cabin without flat beds, fuck off.
Ok, well now can we get back to the reason we're actually here? Our son, Dargan, who's in care? For the crime of having two working parents.
And beating a boy into a coma.
Allegedly.
Anyway, our legal team have arranged an interim court hearing for tomorrow.
So hopefully we'll get Dargan back.
Hello, hello, hello.
Em, why wasn't I informed of this? I emailed you, messaged you and tweeted you.
Three words Moya - China, no, internet.
Well, you're here now.
Anyway, what we need you to do is this.
It was a lovely night out you know, eh.
We strolled to the car, things were a bit more relaxed.
Brendan said to me: 'Hop in.
I'll spin you up to your one's house.
'.
Carmel Downey's.
And I said to him that you know, I could eh.
.
I could stay.
Stay the night, you know, and eh I-I-I just heard the 'no', and I over-reacted and I eh I slammed the car door.
Took it off its bloody hinges.
Well I blame Carmel Downey.
Well I do.
I do.
Carmel Downey - she's well known for it.
She's a busybody.
Single, of course.
She's been filling her head full of ideas ever since you went up there.
Ever since you became part of Slenderize, you've become like a bloody prize trout for her! It's true.
WHO else, would give you the idea, of going on a date with your own husband of 25 years, and then suggest going back to the house for a one night stand? Your own home of 25 years! It's ridiculous! Who else would have bloody well thought of it! It's this American psycho-babble bullshit! She's propagating straight from the Oprah-Winfrey man-hating bloody manual is what it is! Well, she's a harridan.
Carmel Downey is a harridan and a home-wrecker and she's going to ruin our marriage if you spend any more time up there with her, She's a stupid bitch! (EXHALES LOUDLY) That myself and Graham are attending therapy here, and we intend to continue, don't we Graham? Oh without a doubt.
Absolutely.
Totally.
So if you could do that, because, we would really like to get our son back, you know? I realise that things had crossed the line, when she placed her finger on my eh, right upper thigh.
And suggested that we go upstairs, to the bedroom.
I felt used.
Manipulated.
(INHALES DEEPLY) It's either full duck, or no dinner! At that point, she unbuckled my slacks, and placed my penis in her mouth.
Oh! Well you said (SOBS LOUDLY) I was told to say exactly what happened, so I said exactly what happened! You dirtbird.
Well don't ask me if you don't want to know the truth! I thought honesty was the policy here! You said you wanted the truth, I gave you the truth! That's not what the girl meant.
Well then be clear about what it is you do mean! JAYSUS! You whoremaster! Well I met Dargan last week, I was a wee bit late, he was later.
By the time we got where we were going, the time was up, you know? It was only an hour, we're only allowed an hour.
He's not talking to me anyway.
Darling, don't blame yourself, yah? I don't.
You're right.
You did your best.
Kept the lines of communication open.
As my good friend Kofi says, without dialogue there's only violence.
Really humble guy.
Great cook.
Well I couldn't see him.
I was away.
I texted him, from uh Geneva.
He didn't answer.
What can you do, really? I mean, just let him stew.
He's a sulker, just like his mother! CACKLES Not as good as her, but? I can never accept it.
I can't.
I won't.
OH FOR JAYSUS' SAKE! Look, you know the story Sylvia.
The little brasser, stuck her tits in me face.
I succumbed.
I'm a man.
I'm weak.
It only lasted a month.
If I could take it back, I WOULD.
Yeah, but you can't, can ya? You'll never let me forget it.
Too right I won't.
Could you reason with that? Pip, Lulu, Bubbles, Setanta, Orwell, Virgil, Caesar, Trixie and Dargan.
Well, we had 6.
Graham wanted to go for another.
Well, I thought we were getting older, so how do we do this with maximum efficiency? He was in Namibia at the time going backwards and forwards, So I thought, why not try, IVF? I don't know if it was because I was fertile anyway, but I never had a moment's trouble during the pregnancy.
Or with the hormones after, or anything.
Superwoman.
They popped out like that.
Was back at work 3 weeks later.
Come on.
Some women sort of complain about it, but really, my advice is just enjoy it.
It's the most empowering time of your life, so just enjoy it.
Oh, and of course then there's Waynamemba! A gift from Uganda.
Couldn't leave her there.
Little war orphan.
Not anymore.
The more the merrier.
Absolutely.
We're even thinking of trying for one more.
Oh I've said it.
It's out of the bag now! Tut tut! I just walked off.
I put on the pedometer.
And you know it was only as I was walking that I thought, that the anger began to go a bit, and I thought, you know what Carmel, take it easy.
Don't be bringing all the baggage into everything.
The night was an emotional rollercoaster really, but I think we were actually a lot further on at the end of the night.
I'd also eh I'd also walked 3.
5 kilometres so I was halfway through my calorie burning for the next day, so I was delighted about that! I tink that we have to look at dis, in a slightly holistic approach.
I think in many ways, I think, we are all victims here.
Well Dudley didn't actually tell me about the affair, no.
I got an anonymous phonecall.
No, not at all.
The kids are easy.
I tell you, it's the childminders that are the problem.
I mean, come on.
Three childminders, three individual schedules and a master schedule.
Rocket science? It might as well be.
What is Lulu doing at Bubbles' piano lesson, and why is Setanta at Conversational Mandarin, when he should be at Judo? Unbelievable.
We told the other kids Dargan had gone sailing.
Well, we had to tell them something.
I mean, we thought he'd be back the next day.
OK, that was 3 weeks ago.
Apparently they thought he'd drowned, so Nina, the childminder, decided to tell them Oh Christ, use your initiative Nina.
Wait, get this.
She tells them: 'Dargan bad boy.
Dargan gone child prison'.
You sound really like her.
That's really good.
She's back in Riga now.
Anyway, leaving us to deal with all the fallout.
Bloody curse.
No thanks to her.
Dargan's absence is creating a power vacuum.
There's a tri-partite power struggle at the top, course there is, it's tribal dynamics.
I've seen it all before in Africa.
So, you know, from that a natural leader emerges, really.
So Setanta slaughters Trixie's chickens, and she sets fire to his hair.
Sorry, could we just stick to the narrative here? When I entered the house, at that point in time, after the anonymous phone call, I was confronted with my guilt, before I'd even had a chance to defend myself.
It was effectively, a kangaroo court.
Now, I do understand the first wave I was in an awful state.
Only for Jade, I don't know what I would have done to meself.
The situation wasn't actually helped, by the fact that you were in actual fact buckled, Sylvia.
You were buckled.
Which only added to the bedlam, I have to say.
Now I was denied, the most basic right, that even the most heinous criminal would be entitled to.
Due process.
There are some people who feel good about going to other people about their problems and so on and if it helps them, grand.
But it doesn't work for me.
I've put both my feet on the ground.
Put both feet on the floor is what the girl is saying to ya.
I heard her.
Yeah, well do it then.
The first words s-s-spoke to me, came from my daughter Jade, eh when she called me a dirtbird.
Well, between the blow to the eye, which obviously there was a degree of physical pain involved.
But after that, I eh I think I was I was still eh looking at Jade's eye, with confusion.
Thinking how a Daddy could I held her in me arms not 10 seconds after she came out, and ! Pull yourself together Dudley.
(SOBS LOUDLY) Jaysus what have I done? Dudley! What are we going to do when Dargan gets home? Phew, I tell you what we're going to do! We're going to be the one big crazy, nutty family that we are.
Me and him? I tell you, we're going to do guy things.
Hunting, shooting, fishing.
Preparing for the trial.
What, bring Dargan in here with us? Uhm, next week? Why? EXCELLENT idea.
Oh great, yeah, no great idea.
Actually our legal team need that document, asap.
So why don't we finish a wee bit early, and you can go and do that A GREAT idea.
You know I haven't seen this little lady for a week? So if you do that, well hopefully we'll see you here next week with Dargan.
Isn't that right Graham? What? Next week, with Dargan.
Oh yeah, next week, that's right, with Dargan.
Let's go.
I'm ready to explode.
I'll be staying with Carmel Downey until eh until such time as Brendan is ready, to start this journey with me.
EXHALES Jesus.
SOBBING.
It's all about you again now, isn't it? I don't know what to do.
He can do what he likes.
He's not going to wriggle out of it like da'.
I'm not taken in by that, are you? SOBBING.
MUSIC
TEXT MESSAGE ALER (LAUGHS) Oh right.
Stop it.
Moya's eh not here.
Obviously.
She's on her way.
Traffic.
Just taxied in myself.
TEXT MESSAGE ALERT.
Ah, here's a twitter feed now.
'Will be along shortly.
Stuck.
'.
I didn't realise they were, verboten.
Despite the fact that we're eh, living apart, I think eh, the last week has been very.
.
um, hopeful.
It's been quiet, I suppose, without her.
I'm there on my own.
No-one to talk to.
(DRAWS DEEP BREATH) This enforced absence, seems bloody pointless really.
I-I-If I'm home alone, and you're up there living with Carmel Downey! Carmel Downey is my friend and mentor from Slenderize and has been a fantastic support to me.
She's a busybody is what she is.
Yeah, well the week has been Desperate.
Understandable, getting this whole thing in motion.
I didn't want to come here at first.
I'll be honest about that.
But after last week, I felt I was finally getting a chance to say things to Dudley.
Of course he didn't want to know.
He thinks we can just box things off.
Just come in here, deal with it and forgeh' about it.
It's not as simple as tha'.
Busy, you know.
Work.
Big, big project coming up, you know? Multi-tasking Mums, eh? What a life, Mums.
My Mum, Harriet? Em Not a great kids Mum.
But she's a lot nicer since the dementia set in.
We've got a lot of catching up to do.
That's the beautiful thing about dementia really.
It doesn't affect your long term memory.
So we can talk about my childhood.
Not that she was ever there.
She loves the trips since they came along.
Our triplets, Orwell, Virgil, Caesar.
I mean, if you think twins know each other, you should see trips.
Scary.
After last week's session, I eh I-I-I rang Brendan, but he didn't answer and eh you know, I was going to call again, but Carmel Downey said to me: 'Don't call him.
' (SIGHS) Well em, sure enough, a few days later, Brendan called me, and he eh He asked me if I'd like to eh He asked me if I'd like to meet for a bite to eat in Cassidy's carvery which I thought was a lovely gesture, you know eh.
.
I know Brendan prefers Fennelly's but eh but I like Cassidy's, it's got a lot more healthy options on the menu.
But I was delighted about that.
Yeah, well it's easier to get in and out of.
De girls, obviously, know something's going on.
I mean, Jade and Edel, they're like da'.
As sisters and you can see it in their act as well.
They harmonize fabulous, they know what the other is thinking, you know? Now Edel.
Edel is that little bit heavier, you know.
She will always reach for the biscuit tin in a time of crisis.
So now, on top of trying to keep a normal life, things have been very tense between myself and Dudley, I'm picking the girls up from school, bringing them to singing classes, dance classes, you know? Now I've to bring Edel up and down to Weight Watchers.
So to be honest, it's stressful.
I went away to Prep School at 6, with Harriet as the incoming wife of Mungo.
My Dad.
Em, I came back at mid-term and she was gone.
Replaced by a German dancer with an eating problem, Katarina.
'Hello, this is your new Mum'.
It didn't last long.
People sort of came and went in my life.
Things aren't permanent, are they? Yeah, so I would say it was a normal, sort of, upbringing.
Yeah.
DRUMS FINGERS ON COUCH.
The day we were to meet, I was actually very nervous.
I couldn't decide what to wear.
I was trying on this and that, you know? I worked myself into an awful tizzy.
Carmel Downey threw me in a thong and told me it was what was underneath that counts.
She's a looper.
Anyway, I calmed down a bit after that, you know? And I just put on a pink polo neck, you know? In the end I was glad actually, because Brendan turned up pretty casual.
When I got to Cassidy's, there was no sign of Brendan.
I mean, he's never normally late.
He's a real stickler.
I wasn't late.
Well, he wasn't inside the pub anyway.
So I sat down at the bar and had a little glass of Chardonnay to calm the nerves.
And sure enough, e-e-eventually Brendan showed up, you know? I wasn't late.
In Cassidy's they have a huge number of disabled car parking spaces and I wasn't able to park! (SIGHS) I don't know why they have so many handicapped spaces.
I certainly didn't see any of them in the pub! I think boarding school gets a little bit of a bad press sometimes.
It really does, yeah.
I mean, it entirely depends on the individual.
Some people love it, others hate it.
I remember it.
The crying.
Tears at night.
Bed-wetting.
You know, sort of getting beaten up by the other boys.
I can remember being used as a human dart board.
THAT hurt.
It's true to say, that the foundations of the house have been rocked.
HOWEVER, my relationship with my girls remains cordial.
I think at that age they are very elastic.
You know, well as far as I can see, ever since Jade found out about her Daddy, she has gone very, very argumentative, you know? She's taking it out on me, and they say they do that, they take it out on the mudder.
De victim, you know? But I'm big enough.
I can take it.
But I don't want to see her turning it on herself like she is doing.
She's refusin' to wear make-up.
She doesn't want to appear attractive to men, you know, and I understand tha', maybe it's a phase.
Maybe it's not.
But you know, it's affecting her act! She's a teenager Sylvia.
She's a beautiful looking girl.
Oh, beautiful.
You know, she's a cracker! Stunning.
But even really fantastic lookin' girls need a bit of make-up, under de lights, to really stand out.
So she's turning this in on herself.
She's damaging herself.
I remember the first day.
The day we arrived.
Ohhh.
A long time ago now.
Got into the Daimler.
Drove up from Waterford.
Arrived at the school.
Gates were locked.
Headmaster's away.
And eh Mungo turned to me and said: 'This is your new school.
' (SNIFFS) Got out of the car and eh, he drove off.
Left me at the gates.
I was em 6 years old.
I actually thought that Carmel was very agitated.
I don't know if it was the Chardonnay or what.
She's a few glasses before I arrived.
Well I was waiting long enough Brendan.
I was a bit preoccupied during the meal.
The thong was actually very uncomfortable and I had a little present for Brendan in my pocket and I was wondering when I was going to give it to him, and the television was very noisy and I eh, and I was about to do it and eh and he just shushed me, you know? Some football score.
It wasn't a football score.
Anyway I It was the outcome of the murder trial.
Well I thought to heck with it, there's never a good time.
And I eh, I just slid it across the table to him, and he said to me: 'What the heck is that?'.
Typical.
I mean it's embarrassing to open something in public.
I mean you know what I'm like.
I know! I know Brendan.
Well why did you do it then? It turned out to be embarrassing as well, because when I opened it, I opened it in the office.
And I realised that it was Unisex aftershave.
Carmel, it was effectively perfume that you bought me! Why did you do that? Yes you WOULD expect a certain amount of behavioural erraticness at that age.
But I wouldn't put that all down to me.
You know, hands up.
I did have the affair.
I've already informed you of that fact.
But I don't really think that it's fruitful to overly dwell on the past too much.
The story has actually been out there, in the public domain for quite some time.
B-But if it helps, then I'll cooperate.
I remember the crunching of the gravel, beneath the tyres.
It makes a certain kind of smooth sound in the Daimler.
(SNIFFS) As he drove off, that day.
The feeling of being alone.
I ran after the car, banging on the window.
Begging him to stop, begging him not to leave me.
But It was very hard for me.
Six is quite young really.
(DOOR OPENS) Ok, I'm here now.
Sorry.
Apologies.
Regrets.
Welcome back, chief.
What's wrong with you? Oh God! You haven't been subjected to the gate story, have you? The driveway gets longer with every telling.
Thanks for your sensitivities, Moya.
Oh sorry Bren.
How was your trip(?) How was the flight? Uncomfortable.
First class cabin without flat beds, fuck off.
Ok, well now can we get back to the reason we're actually here? Our son, Dargan, who's in care? For the crime of having two working parents.
And beating a boy into a coma.
Allegedly.
Anyway, our legal team have arranged an interim court hearing for tomorrow.
So hopefully we'll get Dargan back.
Hello, hello, hello.
Em, why wasn't I informed of this? I emailed you, messaged you and tweeted you.
Three words Moya - China, no, internet.
Well, you're here now.
Anyway, what we need you to do is this.
It was a lovely night out you know, eh.
We strolled to the car, things were a bit more relaxed.
Brendan said to me: 'Hop in.
I'll spin you up to your one's house.
'.
Carmel Downey's.
And I said to him that you know, I could eh.
.
I could stay.
Stay the night, you know, and eh I-I-I just heard the 'no', and I over-reacted and I eh I slammed the car door.
Took it off its bloody hinges.
Well I blame Carmel Downey.
Well I do.
I do.
Carmel Downey - she's well known for it.
She's a busybody.
Single, of course.
She's been filling her head full of ideas ever since you went up there.
Ever since you became part of Slenderize, you've become like a bloody prize trout for her! It's true.
WHO else, would give you the idea, of going on a date with your own husband of 25 years, and then suggest going back to the house for a one night stand? Your own home of 25 years! It's ridiculous! Who else would have bloody well thought of it! It's this American psycho-babble bullshit! She's propagating straight from the Oprah-Winfrey man-hating bloody manual is what it is! Well, she's a harridan.
Carmel Downey is a harridan and a home-wrecker and she's going to ruin our marriage if you spend any more time up there with her, She's a stupid bitch! (EXHALES LOUDLY) That myself and Graham are attending therapy here, and we intend to continue, don't we Graham? Oh without a doubt.
Absolutely.
Totally.
So if you could do that, because, we would really like to get our son back, you know? I realise that things had crossed the line, when she placed her finger on my eh, right upper thigh.
And suggested that we go upstairs, to the bedroom.
I felt used.
Manipulated.
(INHALES DEEPLY) It's either full duck, or no dinner! At that point, she unbuckled my slacks, and placed my penis in her mouth.
Oh! Well you said (SOBS LOUDLY) I was told to say exactly what happened, so I said exactly what happened! You dirtbird.
Well don't ask me if you don't want to know the truth! I thought honesty was the policy here! You said you wanted the truth, I gave you the truth! That's not what the girl meant.
Well then be clear about what it is you do mean! JAYSUS! You whoremaster! Well I met Dargan last week, I was a wee bit late, he was later.
By the time we got where we were going, the time was up, you know? It was only an hour, we're only allowed an hour.
He's not talking to me anyway.
Darling, don't blame yourself, yah? I don't.
You're right.
You did your best.
Kept the lines of communication open.
As my good friend Kofi says, without dialogue there's only violence.
Really humble guy.
Great cook.
Well I couldn't see him.
I was away.
I texted him, from uh Geneva.
He didn't answer.
What can you do, really? I mean, just let him stew.
He's a sulker, just like his mother! CACKLES Not as good as her, but? I can never accept it.
I can't.
I won't.
OH FOR JAYSUS' SAKE! Look, you know the story Sylvia.
The little brasser, stuck her tits in me face.
I succumbed.
I'm a man.
I'm weak.
It only lasted a month.
If I could take it back, I WOULD.
Yeah, but you can't, can ya? You'll never let me forget it.
Too right I won't.
Could you reason with that? Pip, Lulu, Bubbles, Setanta, Orwell, Virgil, Caesar, Trixie and Dargan.
Well, we had 6.
Graham wanted to go for another.
Well, I thought we were getting older, so how do we do this with maximum efficiency? He was in Namibia at the time going backwards and forwards, So I thought, why not try, IVF? I don't know if it was because I was fertile anyway, but I never had a moment's trouble during the pregnancy.
Or with the hormones after, or anything.
Superwoman.
They popped out like that.
Was back at work 3 weeks later.
Come on.
Some women sort of complain about it, but really, my advice is just enjoy it.
It's the most empowering time of your life, so just enjoy it.
Oh, and of course then there's Waynamemba! A gift from Uganda.
Couldn't leave her there.
Little war orphan.
Not anymore.
The more the merrier.
Absolutely.
We're even thinking of trying for one more.
Oh I've said it.
It's out of the bag now! Tut tut! I just walked off.
I put on the pedometer.
And you know it was only as I was walking that I thought, that the anger began to go a bit, and I thought, you know what Carmel, take it easy.
Don't be bringing all the baggage into everything.
The night was an emotional rollercoaster really, but I think we were actually a lot further on at the end of the night.
I'd also eh I'd also walked 3.
5 kilometres so I was halfway through my calorie burning for the next day, so I was delighted about that! I tink that we have to look at dis, in a slightly holistic approach.
I think in many ways, I think, we are all victims here.
Well Dudley didn't actually tell me about the affair, no.
I got an anonymous phonecall.
No, not at all.
The kids are easy.
I tell you, it's the childminders that are the problem.
I mean, come on.
Three childminders, three individual schedules and a master schedule.
Rocket science? It might as well be.
What is Lulu doing at Bubbles' piano lesson, and why is Setanta at Conversational Mandarin, when he should be at Judo? Unbelievable.
We told the other kids Dargan had gone sailing.
Well, we had to tell them something.
I mean, we thought he'd be back the next day.
OK, that was 3 weeks ago.
Apparently they thought he'd drowned, so Nina, the childminder, decided to tell them Oh Christ, use your initiative Nina.
Wait, get this.
She tells them: 'Dargan bad boy.
Dargan gone child prison'.
You sound really like her.
That's really good.
She's back in Riga now.
Anyway, leaving us to deal with all the fallout.
Bloody curse.
No thanks to her.
Dargan's absence is creating a power vacuum.
There's a tri-partite power struggle at the top, course there is, it's tribal dynamics.
I've seen it all before in Africa.
So, you know, from that a natural leader emerges, really.
So Setanta slaughters Trixie's chickens, and she sets fire to his hair.
Sorry, could we just stick to the narrative here? When I entered the house, at that point in time, after the anonymous phone call, I was confronted with my guilt, before I'd even had a chance to defend myself.
It was effectively, a kangaroo court.
Now, I do understand the first wave I was in an awful state.
Only for Jade, I don't know what I would have done to meself.
The situation wasn't actually helped, by the fact that you were in actual fact buckled, Sylvia.
You were buckled.
Which only added to the bedlam, I have to say.
Now I was denied, the most basic right, that even the most heinous criminal would be entitled to.
Due process.
There are some people who feel good about going to other people about their problems and so on and if it helps them, grand.
But it doesn't work for me.
I've put both my feet on the ground.
Put both feet on the floor is what the girl is saying to ya.
I heard her.
Yeah, well do it then.
The first words s-s-spoke to me, came from my daughter Jade, eh when she called me a dirtbird.
Well, between the blow to the eye, which obviously there was a degree of physical pain involved.
But after that, I eh I think I was I was still eh looking at Jade's eye, with confusion.
Thinking how a Daddy could I held her in me arms not 10 seconds after she came out, and ! Pull yourself together Dudley.
(SOBS LOUDLY) Jaysus what have I done? Dudley! What are we going to do when Dargan gets home? Phew, I tell you what we're going to do! We're going to be the one big crazy, nutty family that we are.
Me and him? I tell you, we're going to do guy things.
Hunting, shooting, fishing.
Preparing for the trial.
What, bring Dargan in here with us? Uhm, next week? Why? EXCELLENT idea.
Oh great, yeah, no great idea.
Actually our legal team need that document, asap.
So why don't we finish a wee bit early, and you can go and do that A GREAT idea.
You know I haven't seen this little lady for a week? So if you do that, well hopefully we'll see you here next week with Dargan.
Isn't that right Graham? What? Next week, with Dargan.
Oh yeah, next week, that's right, with Dargan.
Let's go.
I'm ready to explode.
I'll be staying with Carmel Downey until eh until such time as Brendan is ready, to start this journey with me.
EXHALES Jesus.
SOBBING.
It's all about you again now, isn't it? I don't know what to do.
He can do what he likes.
He's not going to wriggle out of it like da'.
I'm not taken in by that, are you? SOBBING.
MUSIC