Out There (2013) s01e02 Episode Script

1 "Quest For Fantasy" Blood brothering started with the Vikings, then was adopted by the Mongols, then passed down through the ages to the likes of Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn, the Lone Ranger and Tonto, Ray and Dave Davies, and now us.
You ever been a blood brother before? Nope, never had a reason to.
What are you boys up to in there? Don't come in; we're naked.
- You got the knife? - What about your butterfly knife? I lost it.
Actually I'm pretty sure Terry pawned it off.
Bummer.
Hmm.
Here, this should do it.
Here it goes.
- Did you even break the skin? - I think so.
Your turn.
Okay, now, join forces.
This is to solidify the bond of blood brotherhood.
We will no longer be picked on, beat up, or dishonored in any way, ever again.
And if we are, we battle our hearts out.
- Agreed? - Agreed.
Yup.
I feel it, do you? I feel different.
This was our spot.
Off to the side, riding a wave of obscurity, observing the tableau of teenage bliss.
So, you got your sights set on any ladies for the spring? Little pastel-colored romance maybe? Hmm.
Well, there is Sharla.
Sharla? Dude, Sharla has no body.
- Really? - How could you not notice that? She looks like a praying mantis in full position.
I guess I don't really look at girls' bodies.
Dude, as your blood brother, I advise you to never tell anybody else that.
Hey, here she comes now.
- This is your chance to bug out with her.
- What? - Go out there and talk to her, man.
- Nah.
No way.
I would have had an easier time.
Oh, hey, Chad.
Hey, Chad.
I mean, yeah.
Hey.
- What's up? - Uh you know, weather, um Uh, we don't speak nerd.
Okay, see you later, Chad.
Yeah, I know.
That's what I thought.
Girls.
Mysterious, compelling creatures with a propensity to travel in packs.
Would they always elude me? Quiet down.
We are males, and we are females, at odds, perhaps, but it's very important that we learn to be civil with one another.
Last week's bra-strap-snapping incident proves that we have a lot of work to do, all right? Unfortunately, the culprits are still unknown.
Okay, so principal Dild is requiring that this class review a sex ed video to enlighten you.
So without further ado, let us all bask in the splendor of What's this called? Your blooming body.
The female reproductive system is a vast, wondrous network of flesh, nerves and hormone.
Let's investigate deeper.
Deeper Deeper Jimmy evans said you fainted because all the blood rushed to your loins.
Dad, what are loins? Uh, the ray uh, radio is coming on Let's get right down to it.
What's your favorite sexual position, doctor? Ass thrustin! Ass thrustin! come on, baby, ya know ya want it! Nice day out.
You know, maybe I should just walk home.
Yeah.
Uh, yeah, why don't you? Hey, man, wait up! - Are you all right? - I had low blood sugar.
All I had for breakfast was a small cracker.
You saw a foo-foo, and it made you wah-wah.
This is a tragedy.
Why didn't you just tell me you were afraid of the old, bold female form? I'm not.
It was just all that biological mumbo jumbo.
Look, I get it.
I know it must burn to still be a virgin now, but - You're a virgin, too! - Whoa, whoa, there, Chad-o.
I swear on my great-aunt's grave, I had sex in Florida.
That, I'm telling you, is true.
Ooh, we did it in a wicker rocking chair.
- This was two summers ago, I swear it.
- Whatever, man.
Don't worry, old buddy.
I'll get you there.
As your blood brother, it's my duty and my honor to show you some nethers.
No thanks.
It's cool.
I am good.
Dude, you don't want to freak out on your honeymoon, do you? You don't want to be there and be, like, "Ooh, ooh, what's this do? Ooh, what are these for? Ooh!" What's your big idea? See that? That's a nipple right there.
Really? Hopefully you'll be able to make something out of this sexy scramble.
I can see it.
Oh! What's going on in here, huh? Sex on the boob tube? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Look, there's nothing wrong with that.
Everybody likes sex.
When I was your age, making love was nothing.
I had a pet falcon, rode up the Rio Greetzio on a motorcycle, wheelie all the way up.
And girls galore, man.
Woo woo buba kaya! Non-stop.
Weren't you working in a crayon factory when you were my age? Pfft, no way.
That was way earlier, when I was, like, five.
That was my first job.
The point is, you get your scrawny asses out of the house and into the world! Go live! Love! Run away! Have an adventure, you little do-nothings! Get lost! Forever even! Okay.
New plan.
- What's that? - Nudie mag.
Is everything okay? Where's Chad? - He'll live.
He's walking home.
- Wayne, what happened? Uh, he fainted after seeing a diagram of a of a part of a woman's body.
- What should we do for dinner? - What? Oh, my poor baby.
Wayne, why didn't you bring him home so we could all sit down and talk about his adolescent hormonal urges? Shh, Rose! Language.
Greetings, Yozzrahg.
Are the earthlings still fooled by the Jay Stevens disguise? Of course they are.
Splendid! But be careful, young Yozzrahg, for there other aliens disguised as earthlings, ones who will tell you what to eat, how to dress and when to sleep! What an odd little child.
- Just give me the signal.
- Gotcha.
- Thank you.
- You betcha.
Oh, no! Close one there.
Keeping up on the news, huh, fellas? Indeed we are.
Keeping abreast , you could say.
Obtaining target.
All righty, Chad, time to feast your eyes on some Check this shit out, boys! Hey! - How could you guys? - No, but I we I thought you boys were my friends.
I thought What is happening to us, man? We've resorted to stealing? - And from Paul of all people! - Hey, guys.
Couldn't help but notice you had a Vicki mag.
- Oh, yeah? What's it to you? - Hey, w-wait up! My uncle's a photographer for Vicki.
He told me they're doing a photo shoot in a pumpkin patch just outside of town.
- I don't buy it.
- Honest to god.
It's a nighttime shoot, under the stars.
Milkmaid, farmer's daughter scenario.
Featuring a fair-skinned strawberry blonde.
Latrisha Lovekins.
This might sound crazy, and he's probably just a run-of-the-mill turd-boy, but what if? Seeing a real live naked woman would be the perfect antidote for your fear.
- Let's do this.
- Hmm.
Okay, we're in, but understand this.
If there's no naked lady You'll pay in gushing blood and broken bones.
Then we're off to see some woman! What the hell are you doing? I want to go on an adventure with you guys.
You know what? Forget it, Jay.
We don't have time to baby-sit your ass.
Don't take it personally, little man.
Same as cat's got to chase mouse, big brother's got to be mean to little brother.
Wayne, the boys aren't home yet, and I want to talk to Chad about sex before dinner.
Criminy, Rose! Don't ever say "Chad," "sex" and "dinner" in the same sentence.
Sweetie, don't be so uptight about something so natural.
I got these pamphlets from my lady doctor for whenever the time was right.
Look at the detail on this! Hmm! I can't hear you.
I can't see you.
- You're not there.
You don't exist.
- Oh, you're no help.
Wait what what time is it? Oh, they should be home by now.
I'm calling the Novak boy's house.
Grump smelled liked peanut butter, and his story was full of holes, but we had to see this through.
He had us right where he wanted us.
- Hey, don't touch me, man.
- That's not funny.
Stop it! Well, well, well, howdy, boys.
Who's this little guy? He's nothing.
Yeah, leave us alone, Troy.
Oh, ho, ho, ho, you know I can't do that.
Hey, new buddy, what's the deal? What you up to? I'm taking them to a photo shoot of a naked woman.
Uh, duh, duh! Oh, really? And where might this naked woman be? A pumpkin patch, just two miles ahead, turn left at the scarecrow.
- You can't miss it.
- Right on.
Hey, come on, now, guys.
This isn't necessary.
Let go of me, you lummox! Don't throw us, man! Thanks for the titty tip-off, boys.
Here we come, breasts! Great.
We're never getting out of here.
Could be worse.
I can't believe stupid Chips-a-Troy is gonna get to our nudie shoot first.
And you know he's not gonna stop with just sneaking a peek.
He'll want the whole enchilada.
Yeah, he'll flub it all up.
Troy's got no tact.
Goddamn it.
Don't worry.
I lied to 'em.
I told 'em the wrong way.
There is no scarecrow.
Really? Nice work, stink pot! That means we still have a shot! But how are we gonna get out of here? I got it! Let's hoist Grump over the top.
Step up, turd boy.
- One, two, three! - One, two, three! This is not like Chris at all.
- He never misses my beef stroganoff.
- It's just getting so late.
What if what if we never see them again? You know, they might be dead! Okay, relax.
Let's all take a deep breath.
I'm sure they didn't run away.
Yes, they ran away.
I told them to.
- What's that there, chief? - Yes, I told them to run away.
To live.
To adventure.
- Wayne! - Damn it.
I'm sorry, Terry.
I'm sorry.
Are you all right? Peaches.
Come on, man.
We can do this! How did Kendra Brown get out of that well last summer? Dude.
She didn't.
- Help! Help! - Help! Help! - Down here! Help! - Please, please! Somebody! Help! Jay! I can't believe it! Jay, you wonderful goddamn little godsend.
- Well, it's on.
- What? The great boob race.
Okay, gather 'round.
Terry will find them.
Two options.
The first one is: What the hell are you doing? It's chopper time.
That's a chopper.
That's helicopter blades, man.
We fly around and look for the boys.
Who do you think you are? You're crazy.
Okay, option two: Light some candles and we tune into our cosmic energies to find the boys.
But this works a lot better if we get a little undone, you know? Just take these off.
These clothes.
- Uh, not tonight, Terry.
- Joanie, where are you going? The Gulp-n-Go.
If they're not there, they're bound - to end up there at some point.
- I'm coming with you.
You really know how to fly a helicopter? This is it! This is it! - Ain't no naked lady out here.
- There's not even any pumpkins.
Uh I mean, i-it's just a little further.
Let's go, guys! Are you kidding me? This is bullshit.
It's all true! Besides Shut up, Grump.
You wouldn't be sending us on a wild boob chase, would you? Why don't you go to hell, Troy? Not today, Stevens.
I'm on my way to heaven.
With the help of your little sex compass here.
Trust me, you want nothing to do with him.
Nice try, Novak.
Don't tell me about wanting.
Once I want something, I want it, and I want to see this nude woman! And this little smoky is the ticket to her.
Grab the pot roast.
He's coming with us! Don't worry, fellas! There's enough Grump for everybody! So, you're an eye doctor? You help people see, and you can't even see what's smack-dab in front of your face? I know.
This is probably my fault.
I should have the talk with Chad, at some point, I guess.
- Maybe this summer.
- In my country, I had sex by five.
I lived two blocks away from easy street.
- Learned by plants.
- What the hell are you talking about? Ay yi yi, stop! This is it! Oh, my.
Why are our boys so taken with this place? - I just do not see the appeal.
- Really? I love it.
You know, this is where I met Terry.
He killed a scorpion on my back and said that he would protect me forever.
Mm.
You don't say? I didn't know we had scorpions in these parts.
Me neither.
Terry! - This doesn't seem like - Come on, man! This way.
For the boys! This, this, this one.
Okay, calm down Terry, calm down Oh, shit! Oh, shit! It's working! Now, up, up, up, up, up.
Come on, spinners! Whoo! Whoo-hoo! Yes! Well, I've failed you, my blood brother.
- I blew it.
- Don't beat yourself up, man.
It's no use.
Let's just go home.
Jay, hop in my arms.
Pretend like you're hurt.
Someone'll surely stop for a wounded child.
Most times, on a quest, the knight wins the heart of a fair maiden.
We weren't knights, though.
That much was clear.
We were three degenerates on a loser's crusade.
Looky there, Chad.
We're in luck! A strip club! One, two, three: Let's roll! I've put my life on the line for the goddamn stars and stripes more than one time, man! You know, I killed 17 white baboons in Epson! Would you shut up, Terry? Evening, gentlemen.
Doc, little surprised to see you here.
- With this.
- Pfft! With these.
Now, you listen here you're lucky to be in the company of one of the pillars of this community.
- You hear me? - I'm sorry.
Consider Doc your "get out of jail free" card.
Oh, I am so sorry, your majesty.
Say, Doc, these, uh, temples are riding pretty tight.
You wanna take a look? There's no way we're gonna get inside.
Wait! How about this? - Do I look like a man? - Uh nuhhh Guys, back here! Perfect! At the doorstep into the abyss, into the belly of the beast.
I knew there was no turning back.
- There's no turning back, is there? - No, man.
Come on.
Better wait out here and stand watch.
Trust me on this one, Jay bird.
- Man, are you humid? - Not really.
Are you? Huh? Yeah.
Extremely.
A witch.
We did it, man.
We're here at last.
Thanks, brother.
For everything.
Let's put our hands together and get our dollars out, okay? Give it up for Ambrosia.
A real live nude woman.
Everything changes after this Oh, some youngsters in the crowd tonight.
Whoop! Got your noses! Put 'em in my thong, if you want to come and get 'em.
Run! Run! Run! Run! Run away! Run away! Now, you might actually think that the darker dogs are the older ones, but no.
It's the lighter ones.
- Remarkable.
- As far as fixings go, I say stick with those high in vinegar content.
The onions here, they even sort of tingle like champagne.
And these too! There's a sight for sore eyes.
Let's go in.
Whoa, wait.
What about Paul? I want to apologize to Paul.
I feel like I ought to apologize to somebody, anybody.
Hey, Paul.
Sorry about earlier today.
We know that when we Take that, buster brown! Not in my house, mister! Dear god! Mothers! In your face! - Chrissy! - Boys! - Oh, my baby! - We were worried sick! - Where were you, boys? - Mom, you won't believe it, but Chad got crushed in a trash compactor and Jay and I had to follow him all the way to Chinchinville.
Oh, honey, there's no need to embellish.
- I know Terry told you to go.
- Well, yeah that too.
Chad, honey your father and I are gonna work on being much more open about talking sex with you boys.
Boys, you forgot your "newspaper".
Thanks, Paul.
Hey, new friends, check this out! Sick of this shit! Chuck him! Don't leave me, fellas! I have so much more interesting information to share with you guys! Chaddy-wads! Uh, I'm sleeping, mom.
You've got a friend here, honey.
Who? Chris? Uh no it's Sharla.
I'll just leave you Okay.
So cute.
Wh-what, what are you doing here? Oh, my gosh, I heard from Kelly you got trash compacted.
Uh, something like that.
So wanna go for a walk? Wow! They're beautiful.
I see a horse's head with a flowing mane, and a castle.
What do you see, Chad? Oh, nothing.