Outsourced (2010) s01e02 Episode Script

- Morning.
- Good morning.
Good.
Classic.
- Morning.
- Morning.
Oh, hello.
This morning on the bus, there was a woman who looked like she had 13 fingers.
Gupta is finally speechless.
I love this deer, man.
When I was 12 years old, I went To the zoo with my sister in Pondicherry and we saw a deer get mauled by a tiger.
- And the tigers were scary.
- Shh.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Morning.
- Why isn't anyone working? Why is there rice on the floor? Why is there a deer on the wall? - Is she screaming? - It's hard to tell.
I can tell by your voice you're beautiful.
oh, you're just saying that.
No.
No, I listen to voices all day.
And yours tells me you're about 30, Curves in all the right places, And you used to smoke, but you stopped, Because you're worth it.
I'm 55, doctors say I'm morbidly obese, And I'm smoking right now.
But you just keep talking, sweetie.
Okay.
If you need anything else, - Just let me know.
- Okay.
I'll go over your sales numbers.
In the meantime, get started on those employee evaluations, okay, Todd? You got it, jerry.
Hey, can I ask you a favor? I haven't had barbecue since I got here.
Can you hold those ribs up to the camera? Going through a little bbq withdrawal, are you? Can you see that? You want me to make it saucy for you, bud? Okay.
Oh, look at how messy that is.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
- Mm mmm.
- Todd, I need you.
Oh, my godness, he's eating human flesh.
He's Hannibal Lecter.
See you later, Jerry.
Relax.
It's just barbecue.
Just missing some food from home.
You really miss eating meat? Oh, you don't understand this because you're a vegetarian, But barbecue is like a religion to us back in kansas.
I mean, babies don't suck on pacifiers, They suck on ribs.
Todd, I think if I took a job in another country, I'd be excited to try all the new kinds of food.
Yeah, sure, but after a while, you'd start missing all your favorite indian food.
You know, the yellow goopy stuff and the red goopy stuff And the brown lumpy stuff, and all your goobies and lumpies would be gone.
Now you're making me hungry, man.
Oh, hey, Jerry wants us to do employee evaluations.
Wonderful, sir.
I'll bring the tissues for the tears that will follow our reviews.
Rajiv, no one will be crying.
Well, if you do it right.
You know, I think I'm just gonna do it by myself.
Just remember, sir, fear is the best motivator.
Sometimes I think shame, but mostly fear.
If they ever build another Death Star, there's a captain's chair with your name on it.
Is that a management position? You're always on time.
You really know the catalog.
The one thing that I'd like you to work on is being more assertive.
We can do that? Okay, ask me for something And be assertive.
It would be nice if you could say my name correctly.
I've been mispronouncing it the whole time? Isn't it Madhuri? Madhuri.
- Madhuri.
- Madhuri.
I feel like we're saying the same thing, right? All right, all right.
Everyone's doing the head bobble thing, and I don't know whether it means a yes or a no.
I just want to say your name right.
Right? Madhuri.
- Perfect.
- Really? And you have the highest customer satisfaction of anyone.
- Keep up the good work.
- Thank you, man.
Now I have a surprise for you.
I know you're missing the food from home.
So I stopped by a place that's famous for their burgers.
No way.
You got me a hamburger.
Oh, my god.
You are a lifesaver.
Now you take a big bite, man.
- It's good, huh? - Oh - Mm.
- Mm.
It's a Lentil burger.
- Oh.
- Oh.
huh? Huh? Okay.
It tastes like sliding into home plate with your mouth open.
Oh.
You know, you could probably get real meat at one of the nicer hotels in town.
You know what, I'll tell you what, You pick the place, I'm gonna take you out to dinner.
I am gonna have a steak.
And I don't care if every cow on the way home Gives me a dirty look.
You go ahead and cry.
Your sister was delicious.
yeah.
All right, Gupta, I'm just gonna come out with it.
There have been some customer complaints against you.
Some customers have been complaining to me about you.
I'm not on the calls.
How could they complain about me? I'm sorry.
I just felt cornered.
Okay.
It seems to me like even after you've made the sale, You keep the customer on the phone When you should be moving on to the next call.
- I hear what you're saying.
- Great.
I think we're done here.
Absolutely.
So I hear you're going out to dinner with Manmeet.
Are you meeting him there? Is he picking you up? Are you going to see a movie after? Gupta, this is exactly what I'm talking about.
You need to recognize when a conversation is over.
I will not talk any Moving a lot of add-ons.
You're doing really great.
So Any questions for me? No.
Oh, thank god.
A definitive head movement.
What is this bobble thing? Ah, the indian head shake.
It always confuses westerners.
- What does it mean? - Sometimes yes.
Sometimes no.
Sometimes neither.
Sometimes both.
It's a way of answering without answering.
So like this? No.
Not like that.
Here.
She's just bobbling me.
All right, guys, thanks for staying late.
I appreciate it.
Good night.
Sir, shall I get corporate on the line To go over the company hug-athon-- - I mean, evaluations.
- Nope.
We're going to be doing a video conference right now.
- Now? - Yeah.
I'm going to meet jerry, Boss of bosses? Hey, todd, ask me how it's going.
How's it going? Uh, it's been a roller coaster Of a day.
Whoaa! Oh, wow.
Jerry, I want you to meet my assistant manager, Rajiv Gidwani.
It's a pleasure to meet you, sir.
I am enjoying the american irreverence you bring To video chatting.
Hello, Rajiv! Hello, jerry! Ah.
Jerry, we conducted employee evaluations today.
Good.
So you know who you're gonna fire? - What? - Yeah, that's why I had you do evaluations, Todd.
Your sales don't justify the size of your staff.
So lose somebody.
Consider it done, sir! No, wait a minute.
Just like that, lose someone? Revenues are down! Okay, todd, seriously, revenues are down.
Now it's not your fault, but it is your problem.
My people are working hard.
- They're doing the best they-- - hey, todd.
Todd.
Uh How many indians does it take to sell novelties? One less than you have now.
- Because if you - No, I get it.
shh.
Shh.
I heard the boss from kansas city on the computer.
He says someone is going to be fired.
Really? Who? I don't know.
Could it be someone who wastes people's time telling stories No one wants to hear? No.
I think you're safe.
So you got to fire someone.
Just got to toughen up and do it.
If you were a hunter like me, it wouldn't be so hard.
I can look at a herd of elk, Pick which one I'm gonna shoot.
I may even lock eyes with him, Feel a connection, Like I can read his mind.
"the grass here is sweet.
We picked a good place to spend the summer.
I hope the line for the river isn't too--" - Bam! He's dead.
- Damn it, Charlie.
Sorry.
I'm stealthy.
If you were an elk, you'd already be strapped to the hood of my P.
T.
Cruiser.
Yeah, well, this isn't an elk.
We're talking about one of my employees.
I wish there was something else I could do.
Maybe if I got the numbers up, I wouldn't have to fire anyone.
Why is this eating at you so much? You have fired someone before, right? Oh, yeah.
Okay, no.
Well, in high school, I had to kick David Watanabe Off the debate team for being argumentative.
It took forever.
You know what your problem is? You're too close to your employees.
You need some distance.
The guys who work for me, I don't even know their names.
That's Frodo, Morpheus, Indian Jones.
He wore a hat one day.
And my personal favorite, Roger Ebert.
- He looks nothing like Roger Ebert.
- But check this out.
I mean, that's kind of demeaning.
You should at least learn their names.
No, they're into it.
They have a nickname for me too.
- They call me Einstein.
- Oh, that's cool.
You let 'em take a shot at you too.
- What do you mean, shot? - Nothing.
Einstein.
You didn't fire anyone without me, did you? Oh, stop.
- Stop that.
- You're right, it's beneath me.
.
- Workers, count yourselves.
- One - Two.
- Three.
No, guys, guys, You don't have to do that.
Just sit down and go back to work, please.
Thanks.
We're not firing anyone.
You got that? Hey, don't bobble me.
I'm in on the bobble now.
- But Jerry said-- - No, Jerry said we had to lose someone because the numbers are down.
Right? I want to find the person with the lowest sales and help them improve.
I mean, everyone here has potential.
"everyone has potential.
" I'll file that under American myths In between "the sky's the limit" and the WNBA.
Oh.
So I was compiling these sales numbers, and I think that "numbers" Is gupta trying to read our lips? "tips.
" Not possible.
That's what the mustache is for.
So who has the lowest numbers? Please tell me it's Gupta.
No, gupta's fine.
It's Gupta.
Gupta is fired.
What do I do? This doesn't make any sense.
- Manmeet has the lowest numbers? - Yeah, but he's always on the phone.
If he's not selling, what the hell is he doing? Oh, jenny, your voice sounds so sexy before bedtime.
I wish I were there with you.
I wish you were here too.
I just love your accent.
You could say anything, and it'd be sexy.
Anything.
Oh, stop.
- Say it again.
- Anything.
See what I mean? Oh, Wanda, Wanda, Wanda, listen to me.
The bangs will grow back.
Think of it this way.
Less hair means more of your beautiful face Can be seen.
Oh, you are sweeter than honey.
I would say put me in your tea If you didn't have type 2 diabetes.
Oh, you remembered.
Yes, I did.
Listen to me.
Kids need rules and boundaries.
If tyler acts up tomorrow, I will speak to him.
I don't want him disrespecting his mother.
That's my job.
Sorry, I don't know what I mean by that.
Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.
Drifting in a sweet ride, drinking hennessy.
Linda is my girl from the streets of tennessee.
Well, I know, Linda, but there's nothing that rhymes with Hendersonville.
But then the drums come in.
Hi.
* I'm just a girl * * I'm just a girl * * the girl you want * Night.
Night.
Gupta.
That's okay, todd.
I'm going to stay.
If you smell something burning, don't be alarmed.
It's just my midnight oil.
Gupta, you gotta go.
- But I love my job.
Out.
Now.
So this is how it ends? Heart of stone.
Hey, we need to get a taxi If we're going to make the reservation.
Oh, I saw it online.
They have a Kansas City strip steak.
You know, one thing confuses me, though.
They kill the cow, then they age the meat.
Why not just let the cow live a little longer? Yeah, restaurant's not gonna happen tonight.
Manmeet, you're not making any sales on the phone.
Well, I'm just in a slump, man.
No, you're not.
I've been listening to your calls, And all you've been doing is flirting with women.
Did you think you were gonna get away with it just 'cause we're hanging out? - No.
- 'cause it's not gonna work that way.
I would never do that.
This just happened.
How does it just happen That you waste hours flirting at work? I didn't mean to do it.
I have something special with Debbie.
And Wanda.
And Linda.
I don't know about Stephanie.
She said some racist things I don't think I can get past.
Yeah, well, here's a crazy idea.
Why don't you do your job and then talk to women here - Outside of work? - But this is different, man.
The women on the phone don't care what Caste I am, or what my father does.
Todd, you know, I've never been out of Mumbai.
And now I'm talking to all these women from exotic places like Des moines.
Fresno.
Chattanooga.
Manmeet, if you don't get your sales numbers up by the end of the week, I have to fire you.
That won't happen, sir.
I'll get my numbers up, okay? You're my friend, todd.
I won't let you down.
All right.
No more girlfriends on the phone.
- All right? - No.
No.
Can I at least say good-bye? Yeah.
Yeah.
Just this once, I'll let you make outgoing calls.
So how many women are we talking about here? I'll start with the western United States and move east.
No.
No.
Hey, aren't you one of todd's workers? I used to be.
No way.
Todd actually sacked up and fired you? Huh.
Hey, you run a call center.
Yeah.
Do you have any job openings? Maybe.
Have you got references? I just got fired by todd in there.
I will be in touch.
- When? - Later.
- Tonight? - Much later.
Please call me in the morning.
Kelly, I'm afraid I have to put our romance on hold.
Your estimated wait time is forever.
"I'm sorry, mary.
I-it's not you.
It's me.
This always works.
" Hey, am I on speaker? Great.
To all the ladies of kappa kappa gamma, I will miss your drunken calls, Your eating disorders, your pregnancy scares.
You are a great group of girls.
Go Spartans! Yeah.
* go to sleep, beautiful linda * * lay your head on a cloud * * go to sleep, beautiful linda * * lay your head on a cloud * I'm sorry.
It's over.
Oh, janet, I know you'll miss my voice talking you to sleep, but I can't do that anymore.
Hey.
Unless you'd like to buy a singing teddy bear, Which I could record my voice on.
And then I'd be with you every night.
Oh, that's great.
What message would you like to fall asleep to? Janet, that's--that's filthy.
I can't make a cute little teddy bear say that.
Just please listen to me, okay? Don't get angry.
- Dana, really-- - what are you-- - Shh.
- Dana, I understand That you're mad at me, And there's nothing that I can do That will make you feel better, But maybe an inflatable punching bag that says "men suck" will ease your pain.
- Mm.
- Yeah.
What is the meaning of this? I asked manmeet to break up with his girlfriends, And he ended up selling 'em products.
Might have broken some hearts, But I think he broke a sales record.
You made all these sales? Yeah.
Jerry says I don't have to fire him Or anybody else.
You see, Rajiv, you give someone a chance, Good stuff happens.
- That's how karma works.
- Oh, thank you for the lesson on karma.
Maybe I can come by later for some sitar lessons.
Hey, buddy, you should be happy.
Our numbers keep going up, you are in line for a raise.
Really? Open! - Gupta, where you been? - No.
No, no, no, no.
Now that I've been fired, I have a few things to say before I go.
- Gupta, you were never-- - No, I talk.
You listen.
You.
Tall guy.
Your breath smells like my feet.
And you, quiet one, I find your taste in jewelry to be gaudy.
And you, pretty one, You want me, you can never have me.
- Gupta, before you go any further-- - You! Mr.
All-american With your perfect hair and your winning smile I'll get back to you.
Everyone, I'm ashamed to think that I ever called any of you my friend.
Eh.
- Gupta.
- What? What? What? You were never fired.
One more time.
You were never fired.
Mm-hmm.
I guess we all know what we're going To be talking about at lunch.
Me.
You can have me now, Asha.