Pam & Tommy (2022) s01e02 Episode Script
I Love You, Tommy
1
[TOMMY.]
What's up, lover? [PAMELA.]
Hey, baby.
[TOMMY.]
Fuck, baby, look at you.
[PAMELA.]
Hey, baby.
[TOMMY.]
Holy shit.
[SQUEALS.]
Get in! [TOMMY.]
Baby, I love you! I love you, lover! Fuck.
[TOMMY.]
Wow, fuck, you are so hot.
[PAMELA.]
Baby.
[TOMMY.]
Baby.
Yeah.
[PAMELA.]
Ah, I got it.
Fuck yes.
Yes.
Ah, baby.
I love you so much - [TOMMY.]
Whoa! - [PAMELA.]
[SQUEALS.]
Careful, baby.
Are you okay? - Don't hurt yourself.
- [TOMMY.]
[YELLS.]
- [PAMELA.]
Yes.
[GASPS.]
- [TOMMY.]
[YELLS.]
[PAMELA.]
Fuck, I love you, gorgeous.
["Lock Up Your Heart" playing.]
Won't you lock me In your heart And throw away the key 'Cause I'll love you forever [PAMELA.]
[MOANS.]
Fuck! [MOANING.]
For eternity [TOMMY.]
Oh, fuck.
[PAMELA.]
[MOANS.]
[MOANS.]
I love you so much.
[MOANING.]
And love me tenderly I love you.
[UPBEAT CLUB MUSIC.]
[CLUB PATRON.]
Whoo! [CHEERING.]
Girls night! [CHEERING.]
Cheers! [LAUGHTER.]
Mmm.
You know what? I am done with bad boys.
Here we go.
I am, I'm so over the fights, the drama.
I've heard this before.
[PAMELA.]
You know what I want? Like, nice, sweet regular guy.
You know, somebody boring.
Yeah.
A doctor, lawyer.
Yes.
[SIGHS.]
An accountant.
No, please not an accountant.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Okay.
Wouldn't that be nice? Wouldn't it be so nice? I could just like, stay home, you know, cook dinner, watch a movie.
Just, you know, chill on the couch.
- With the dogs.
- [PAMELA.]
Yes, with my dog and my cute, boring accountant boyfriend.
Pammy, girl, that is so what you need.
I know, I know.
These rock stars, actors are fucking crazy.
All of 'em.
God, forget it, so not worth it.
I've been telling you that.
I am done with self-obsessed.
- [MELANIE.]
Yes.
- And I am done with high-maintenance.
[ALL.]
Yes! Hallelujah.
You know what? From now on, bad boys are out, and good boys are in.
[ALL.]
[EXCITEDLY.]
Yes! To accountants! Accountants! [ALL.]
Accountants! [CHEERING.]
Let's get shots.
- Tequila.
- [PAMELA.]
[GASPS.]
Nope.
Goldschlager.
You know what, the whole fucking club! [CHEERS.]
Whoo! [Crystal Waters' "What I Need" playing.]
I feel my heart and soul I feel the beat I wish someone will give me What I say, what I say What I need, I need I need, need, need, yeah Compliments of Pamela Anderson.
Who? Pamela Anderson.
What I need, I need, I need You are the man Mm-hmm You are the man The one and only man That I need, yeah Fuck you, Tommy! - [SCOFFS.]
- Oh, yeah, go, Tommy! For what? It's just this work thing.
Yes, the producers are flyin' out a bunch of, you know, syndicators and affiliates to this big fancy resort to schmooze and preview the new season.
- And meet Pam Anderson.
- [GIGGLING.]
- Yes.
- That too.
The shit you have to go through with these guys.
It's fine.
[FUNKY MUSIC.]
Get it Huh Uh Come on, now Huh [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Yes, get me.
[SQUEALS.]
[LAUGHS.]
[MELANIE.]
Girl.
- Yes.
- [TOMMY.]
[LAUGHING.]
Yeah.
Yes, you come to me! - [TOMMY.]
Yes! - Yes! [UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC.]
[GIGGLING.]
[La Bouche's "Be My Lover" playing.]
[GLASS SHATTERING.]
Opa! I'm Greek.
I'm Pam.
Be my lover, wanna be my lover [CHEERING.]
[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC.]
Looking back on all the time we spent together You oughta know by now if you wanna be my lover Wanna be my lover Go ahead and take your time, boy, you gotta feel secure Before I make you mine, baby, you have to be sure You wanna be my lover, wanna be my lover Wanna be my lover La da da dee da da da da We looked down and there's this, like, long trail of ants and he just Ants? - No! - I shit you not! We're, like, yes! [LAUGHS.]
Whoo! - Disgusting! - [MELANIE.]
Gross.
Hey, I gotta go drain the main vein.
[LAUGHING.]
Okay.
[UPBEAT CLUB MUSIC.]
- [MELANIE.]
Pam.
- Yes, yes, yes, what? He is trouble.
Oh, gosh, will you relax? - [MELANIE.]
No.
- Melanie, please, Melanie.
Promise me you're not gonna date him.
No, of course I'm not gonna date him, I'm not.
Promise.
I am not gonna date him, he's just, you know, he's just funny is all.
[GASPS.]
Pammy, no! Good boys are in! Good boys are in, good boys are in.
Good boys are in, I know, I know that.
- Okay.
- It's fine.
I'm not gonna date him.
Don't date him.
I am not gonna date him.
- [MELANIE.]
Pinky.
- [GIGGLES.]
[GIGGLES.]
[WHEEZES.]
I'm okay.
Really, I'm okay.
Hey.
It's a very dangerous lot.
[PAMELA.]
Oh, yeah, sure.
- [TOMMY.]
Lotta murders.
- [PAMELA.]
[LAUGHS.]
I gotta go.
[TOMMY.]
It's not even 4:00! - I know, but - I have to see you again tomorrow.
[LAUGHS.]
It is tomorrow.
Perfect, where are we goin'? [MOANS.]
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, God, I gotta go.
I'm, um I'm leaving for work in a few hours.
To where? Uh, Cancún.
I fucking love Cancún! No, it's for work! [TOMMY.]
Not if Tommy's around! [PAMELA.]
To Tommy! Tommy, what are you - Hey! - [YELPS.]
I'm comin'.
Wha you are not.
You are not coming.
Coming's what I do best.
[SIGHS.]
- Come on.
- Good night.
- No, come on, pretty please.
- Tommy.
- Can I come with you, please? - Good night, no, no.
Pretty please with sugar on top? With sugar, some sprinkles, and a cherry? [GIGGLES.]
No! [SIGHS.]
Good night, Tommy.
[SIGHS.]
Fine.
[SOBS.]
[CHUCKLING.]
Okay, only under one condition.
What? [Martha and the Vandella's "Nowhere to Run" playing.]
Nowhere to run to, baby Nowhere to hide [TELEPHONE RINGING.]
Got nowhere to run to, baby [PAMELA.]
Hey, it's me, you know what to do.
[TOMMY.]
Tommy Lee in Cancún Tommy Lee in Cancún Tommy Lee and his wiener Are fucking coming to Cancún! [GROANS.]
[TELEPHONE RINGING.]
Everywhere I go, your face I see [PAMELA.]
Hey, it's me, you know what to do.
[TOMMY.]
Hola, mi amor! [SPEAKING SPANISH.]
Nowhere to hide [TOMMY.]
Cancún! Tommy is coming to Cancún! [PAMELA.]
[GRUNTS.]
Do not come.
[TOMMY.]
Pamela! - Don't.
- [TOMMY.]
I am so stoked.
Tommy, Tommy.
[TOMMY.]
Come on, we're gonna have a blast.
Do not.
Come.
[TOMMY.]
I'm fucking coming.
[CHUCKLES.]
Goodbye, Tommy.
[BELL DINGS.]
[PILOT.]
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome aboard Flight 185.
- You okay? - Hmm? You okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
[PILOT.]
with your seatbelts fastened.
Flight attendants, please prepare for departure.
[Captain & Tenille's "Feel Like a Man" playing.]
I'm a woman who's cried And I'm a woman who's lied But I'm a woman who's tried And I'm a woman, oh yeah Who can make you feel like a man Hi there, how are you? Hello, and welcome to the Ritz-Carlton, Ms.
Anderson.
Thank you.
- These are your keys.
- [PAMELA.]
What time - is this thing till? - [MELANIE.]
6:30.
[HOTEL CLERK.]
And these were left for you.
[PAMELA.]
[GASPS.]
Oh, my gosh, who is this from? Oh, there's a card, open it.
No, it's probably just a fan.
Come on, just fucking open it.
Oh, my God.
[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY.]
- What does it say? - I'm opening it.
- Mm-hmm.
- [GIGGLES.]
"Here's to a kickass, unforgettable weekend.
" From? Simon.
And the gang at ITC Telepictures Worldwide.
Wow.
Beautiful.
[GIGGLING.]
Hmm.
[WHIMSICAL ORCHESTRAL MUSIC.]
[EMCEE.]
Please welcome Pamela Anderson.
[APPLAUSE.]
[CHEERS.]
Beautiful.
Yes, hi.
How are you? Such a pleasure to meet you.
- How's it going? Hey.
- Ever been to Grand Rapids? You are massive there.
Fred Acters from KDFI.
Ooh, hi, Fred, nice tie.
It's such an honor to meet you.
Wow, you're even prettier in person.
Ooh, firm shake, hi.
[JAMES.]
James Zellner, Dayton, Ohio.
[PAMELA.]
Oh, God, there's so many of you.
It's so exciting.
We're gonna have a fun time tonight.
[JAMES.]
So I have to ask.
- [PAMELA.]
Mm-hmm? - [JAMES.]
Is "Baywatch," like, the best job? [PAMELA.]
Oh, yeah.
I love it, I get to go to the beach every day, it's great.
I understand you're from Canada.
Yes, I am.
I used to work in Calgary.
- Oh, wow.
- CBRT.
[JAMES.]
Got everything in Calgary.
I hope so.
I was a station manager up there.
What part are you from? I'm from Ladysmith.
- Ladysmith.
- Mm-hmm.
Where's that at? Uh, near Vancouver.
It's pretty small.
[BUSINESSMAN.]
Vancouver.
CIVT, our sister station.
- [PAMELA.]
Ah.
- Tell her the Jerry story.
A really funny story about their transmitter I'm sorry, um, Ms.
Anderson, there's a phone call for you.
He says it's urgent.
Oh, who? A Mr.
Wiener? A Hugh G.
Wiener.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Excuse me.
[HOTEL CLERK.]
Mm-hmm.
Are you crazy? [TOMMY.]
Kinda, yeah.
[SCOFFS.]
How did you find me? [TOMMY.]
[SCOFFS.]
Easy.
Just call every hotel in the Cancún area.
Oh, my God.
[TOMMY.]
93rd time's the charm.
[SCOFFS.]
Well you do get points for effort, but you are still not coming down.
[TOMMY.]
You're right.
'Cause I'm already here.
No, you're not.
[TOMMY.]
I'm here! What? - [TOMMY.]
You don't believe me? - Shut up.
[TOMMY.]
[YELLING.]
Hear that? [MARIACHI FOLK MUSIC.]
That's fucking Mexico.
Hey, what's up, amigos? Yo soy Tommy Lee! El mucho sexy drummer de Motley Crue! [CROWD CHEERING.]
Whoo! [CHUCKLES.]
So where are we all hangin' tonight? We all? Yeah.
You and your girls and me and my boys.
Your boys? [TOMMY.]
Yup.
Come on, I wasn't gonna come solo.
I didn't want you to think I was some crazy psycho stalker.
Huh, wouldn't want that.
So where are we going? [PAMELA.]
Tommy, I'm here for work.
One drink.
No.
I'm at a thing.
And you're bored out of your skull.
No, I'm not.
You so are.
[SCOFFS.]
How do you know? Kept you on the phone this long, haven't I? [BUSINESSMAN.]
Figures were going out of range, and [JAMES.]
Yeah, yeah.
So then he says, "Well, maybe we could attach a signal boost.
" [JAMES.]
What? And I'm like, "Jerry, you couldn't amplify that sucker enough to reach Edmonton, much less Winnipeg!" [LAUGHTER.]
- I mean, I like the guy.
- [JAMES.]
Classic joke.
I'm sorry, I'll be right back.
[BUSINESSMAN.]
Oh, sure.
[MELANIE.]
This man is a stalker.
[LAUGHS.]
He's not a stalker.
He followed you to Mexico against your wishes.
- That is the literal definition.
- Yeah, well, you know, it's not like I'll be alone with him.
You guys will be there.
[MELANIE.]
I know how these things start with you.
Oh, it's not like I even take him seriously, - I'm just, you know.
- [MELANIE.]
[GROANS.]
That's how these things start with you.
You say you don't take them seriously, then you end up dating them for three years.
Oh, my God, that is so not true! [MELANIE.]
Scott Baio.
[PAMELA.]
Fine.
One.
[MELANIE.]
Bret Michaels.
David Charvet.
Oh, Melanie, come on, I'm so not staying in tonight.
Come on, we can make it a girls night! [PAMELA.]
[GIGGLING.]
Oh, you know what, if we go out, there's gonna be boys, so it might as well be them.
Them? [PAMELA.]
Mm-hmm.
Oh, hell no.
- [PAMELA.]
[GIGGLES.]
- Pam! [ROMANTIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC.]
Don't try to love me Just love me Don't try to hold me [CHUCKLES.]
Look at you.
[GIGGLES.]
You are, without a doubt, the most fuck I'm sorry, I'm afraid the bar has a dress code.
I got a shirt and shoes.
I see that.
- But - But what? Tommy, it's okay.
- It's not okay.
- [CHUCKLES.]
This dude is Is discriminating me.
Am I not wearing a shirt and shoes? [WHISPERING.]
Oh, dear.
A dress code isn't always just about shirt and shoes.
[TOMMY.]
Okay.
Okay, you know what? Fuck you.
- [GASPS.]
- [TOMMY.]
Bro.
Fuck you.
And fuck your, uh, stuffy-ass bar too.
All right.
Let's go.
I know a way cooler spot.
[69 Boyz' "Tootsee Roll" playing.]
Let me see the Tootsee Roll - Yeah, 199 - Quad 69 Boyz backed up by the Quad City DJ's [GROANS.]
One time, cotton candy, sweetie go Lemme see the tootsee roll Come one come all Tootsee Roll Just make that Tootsee Roll Tootsee Roll Here we go, here we go, Tootsee Roll Just make that Tootsee Roll Tootsee Roll Yeah, come on Tootsee Roll Lemme see that Tootsee Roll Tootsee Roll Get up and roll Tootsee Roll And make that Tootsee Roll Tootsee Roll To the left, to the left To the right, to the right To the front, to the front To the back, to the back Now slide, slide, baby, slide Just slide, baby, slide [CHEERING.]
[TOMMY.]
Yo, gimme an S! [CROWD.]
S! Gimme an E! - [CROWD.]
E! - [TOMMY.]
Gimme an X! [CROWD.]
X! What's that spell? [CROWD.]
Sex! [CHEERING.]
[UPBEAT CLUB MUSIC.]
[CHEERS.]
[TOMMY.]
Care for another? - Sure.
- [CHEERING.]
Whoo! What? [UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC.]
Nice! Thanks, buddy! [UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC.]
Whoo! Yeah! Thank you! Thank you! - You are extremely welcome.
- [GIGGLES.]
Ah.
What is that? Love.
[CROWD CHEERING AND CHATTERING.]
Cheers.
[Whitney Shay's "Just When I Thought I'd Seen it All".]
Just when I thought I'd seen it all You came along to rescue me You read my writing on the wall You found my bottle in the sea Just when I thought I'd seen it all I see something beautiful No greater love I can recall [LAUGHTER.]
Whoa.
Oh, my God.
- Dude! - [PAMELA.]
[GIGGLES.]
- You fucking kidding me? - [PAMELA.]
You like it? [TOMMY.]
Yes! [LAUGHS BREATHLESSLY.]
- Whoo! - [GIGGLES.]
Oh.
Oh, my God.
Oh.
[PANTING.]
Oh, fuck.
Dude.
[PANTING.]
[GROANS.]
Mm.
[BELT BUCKLE JINGLING.]
[PANTS.]
[EXHALES.]
Would you like to meet him? Yes, I would.
[BREATHLESSLY.]
He's beautiful.
[Donovan's "Hurdy Gurdy Man" playing.]
[GENTLE ACOUSTIC MUSIC.]
Throwin' like a star in my vast sleep I opened my eyes to take a peek To find that I was by the sea Gazing with tranquility 'Twas then when the Hurdy Gurdy Man Came singing songs of love Then when the Hurdy Gurdy Man Came singing songs of love "Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy gurdy" he sang [MOANS.]
Tommy.
[TOMMY.]
I'm in love.
[WHISPERED.]
I think she's the one.
[PENIS.]
[GROANS.]
You really think so? [TOMMY.]
I do.
[PENIS.]
Oh, I hate those words.
"I do.
" [TOMMY.]
[BREATHLESSLY.]
Sometimes, they gotta be said.
[PENIS.]
[GROANS.]
Fuck.
[TOMMY.]
What? Well, we've been down this road before.
And it never ends well.
[SIGHS.]
- This is different.
- [PENIS.]
Really? [TOMMY.]
She is different.
[PENIS.]
Oh, come on, they're all different.
You saw her.
She's fuckin' perfect.
So is Heather! Hello? Heather was too conservative.
[PENIS.]
Oh.
Pam knows how to have fun.
[PENIS.]
[GROANS.]
She can be wild.
- We can be wild together.
- [PENIS.]
Come on.
I don't have to change who I am as a person.
[PENIS.]
Tommy, Tommy! What? You sound fucking ridiculous.
[TOMMY.]
It's just how I feel.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm in love, bro! [PENIS.]
Sorry, that's just the E talking.
- It's the T.
- As in Tommy Lee.
[PENIS.]
Oh, don't do that.
You listen to me, you have just gotten divorced.
I don't care.
[PENIS.]
We gotta keep this pussy train rolling! - Do you hear me? - Sorry, bro, I'm jumping off.
Come on, what about Jenny McCarthy? What about? Guarantee we could fuck her! Hmm, not interested.
[PENIS.]
Denise fucking Richards? You saw her scoping you out at the Halloween party at the Playboy mansion.
- [TOMMY.]
Pass.
- You're passing on Denise fucking Richards? On all of 'em.
Tommy, you're not thinking clearly.
[WHISPERS.]
My thinking is crystal.
Dude.
Do not fuck this up.
Pam and Tommy.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- [PENIS.]
Don't do this, man.
Do not fucking do this.
- [WHISPERS.]
Forever.
- [PENIS.]
[GROANS.]
Fuck me! [PAMELA.]
[MOANING.]
Tommy.
[GASPS.]
[EXHALES.]
- [PAMELA.]
[GASPS.]
- Let's keep this party goin'.
[BREATHLESSLY.]
Tommy.
Yes, Pamela.
[WHISPERED.]
I don't do drugs.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, I mean it, Tommy, I'm a good girl.
I am, I'm a good Christian girl from small-town Canada.
[LAUGHS.]
[GASPS.]
[MOANING.]
Yeah.
[QUIET MUSIC PLAYING.]
The body of Christ.
[GIGGLING.]
[EXHALES.]
[Nicki French's "Total Eclipse of the Heart" plays.]
[DANCE MUSIC.]
Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit lonely And you're never coming 'round Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit tired Of listening to the sound of my tears Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit nervous That the best of all the years have gone by Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit terrified And then I see the look in your eyes Turn around, bright eyes Every now and then I fall apart Turn around, bright eyes Every now and then I fall apart And I need you now tonight And I need you more than ever And if you only hold me tight We'll be holding on forever And we'll only be making it right 'Cause we'll never be wrong Together, we can take it to the end of the line Your love is like a shadow on me all the time All of the time I don't know what to do, I'm always in the dark We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks I really need you tonight Forever's gonna start tonight Forever's gonna start [UPBEAT CLUB MUSIC.]
She's the one, bro.
[ZAKK.]
Can't even imagine.
Imagine what? What it must be like to tap that.
[SCOFFS.]
I know.
It's gonna be mind-blowing.
[LAUGHS.]
What? You haven't fucked her yet? - Nuh-uh.
- Oh, shit, what the fuck you been doin' the last four days? Just, like, exploring? Oh, I'm sure it's fucking amazing, but still.
You gotta hit that.
Oh, I will.
Eventually.
[ZAKK.]
Eventually? I'm gonna wait.
Till our wedding night.
- Oh, oh.
- Yeah.
To everlasting love.
There's only two special things That you see here [ZAKK.]
Yo, what're you Pamela! Yes, Tommy? [CHUCKLES.]
You are by far the baddest, raddest, sexiest, most far-out, kickass chick that I've ever met! Next to you, Carmen Electra's a hack! [CROWD CHUCKLES.]
You make Jenna Jameson look like a four! [GIGGLES.]
[SCATTERED CHEERS AND LAUGHTER.]
I can think of nothing that I would rather do than spend the rest of my life just loving the shit out of you! [CHUCKLES BREATHLESSLY.]
Pamela Yes, Tommy? [EXHALES.]
[GASPS.]
[ZAKK.]
[WHISPERED.]
Shit.
Would you do me the insane honor of Being my wife? - [BREATHLESSLY.]
Okay.
- [GIGGLES.]
[RAUCOUS CHEERING.]
[Len's "Steal My Sunshine" playing.]
[ALL CHEERING.]
Indulging in my self-defeat [PAMELA.]
[SQUEALING.]
My mind was thugged, all laced and bugged All twisted wrong and beat [TOMMY.]
Hey, señor! [STUTTERS IN BROKEN SPANISH.]
- [STUTTERING IN SPANISH.]
God! - We're getting married! - A padre? - [TOMMY.]
SÃ! Uh, yeah.
- Yay! - [PAMELA.]
[SQUEALS.]
[CHEERS.]
Come on, baby! Here we go.
Let's go.
- [PAMELA.]
[SQUEALS.]
- [TOMMY.]
[YELLS.]
If you only say What you would have done [TOMMY.]
Pamela! Yes! [PAMELA.]
Hi! [TOMMY.]
Are you a priest? SÃ.
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
- [SIGHS.]
- Thank fucking God.
[HIGH-PITCHED.]
Yes! Making sure I'm not in too deep PRIEST: [SPEAKING SPANISH.]
If you steal my sunshine Keeping versed and on my feet You may kiss the bride.
[BOUNCY POP MUSIC.]
[ALL CHEERING.]
I was frying on the bench slide In the park across the street L-A-T-E-R [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
My sticky paws were in to making straws We're fucking married! An incredible eight foot heap [CHEERING.]
Now the funny glare to pay a gleaming tare In a staring under heat Involved an under usual feat And I'm not only among but I invite Who I want to come [Peggy Lee's "That's My Style" playing.]
I'm gonna service you for the rest of my life.
That's my style [SQUEALS.]
And I know when I see it And I see it and I know it And I just can't quite forgot it He's got that chemistry That melts me down and ruins me Yes Cut out those engines now And clang those bells I'm burning while he, yes That's my style, yes That's my style, yes That's my style [AIRPLANE ENGINE HUMMING.]
[WHISPERED.]
Fuck.
- So, um - Mm? Like, what's your favorite movie? Um Uh, you mean like, of all time? Um, "Pretty Woman.
" - Cool.
- Yeah.
I love I love romantic movies.
Yeah, you know, like, "Ghost," uh, "Sleepless in Seattle.
" Mm.
You? - Favorite movie? - Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Shit, I got a ton.
Um, "Child's Play.
" "Nightmare on Elm Street.
" Um, "Hellraiser 2," "Candyman.
" You like the scary stuff.
Yeah, horror, that's my jam.
[CHUCKLES.]
What's your favorite food? French fries.
[CHUCKLES.]
I fuckin' love French fries.
[Iggy Pop's "Real Wild Child Wild One" playing.]
[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC.]
[REPORTERS CLAMORING.]
Pam, over here.
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER.]
- [REPORTER.]
Pam! - [REPORTER.]
Pamela! [REPORTERS CLAMORING.]
[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC.]
- When's the honeymoon? - [REPORTER.]
Pam! Is it true you just met? Was it love at first sight? Gotta dance like a fool Got the message that I've gotta be a wild one Can we see the ring, Pam? Ooh, yeah, I'm a wild one Gonna break and loose, gonna keep a-movin' wild Gonna keep a swingin', baby, I'm a real wild child [REPORTERS CLAMORING.]
[REPORTER.]
Pam, how long you guys been together? Fuckin' ass.
- Fuck you! - [PAMELA.]
Oh, my God, baby.
Oh, my God.
Jesus.
Dude.
You're famous.
[PAMELA.]
No.
No, we're famous.
[BOTH CHUCKLING.]
Where we going? Oh.
[EXHALES.]
You mean, you mean whose house? Where we gonna live? Where do you live? [CLEARS THROAT.]
Uh, I live in the Hills.
Hollywood Hills above Sunset.
You? Malibu.
I love Malibu.
Yeah, I got this fat-ass crib around the top of a hill.
Actually, you know what? That's, uh, timing's perfect 'cause I'm I'm about to start this big-ass renovation.
Oh, yeah, you are? Yeah, we could renovate together.
I mean, like, we could custom build our own little private love palace.
Let's live there.
Really? Yeah.
Yeah! All right.
[LAUGHS.]
Let's do it.
[TOMMY.]
Our own fortress of solitude.
Over there, that'll be, like, a Zen garden.
- Yeah? - And there, you know, a waterfall flowing into, uh, a koi pond.
You know, just fucking super fucking chill.
- So Buddhist.
- Yeah, totally.
Hey, you know what'd be awesome? How about a meditation gazebo? - Snap! - Yes, you know, whenever whenever life gets too chaotic and stuff, - we can just go in and just - Yeah, just pop in.
- We can center ourselves.
- Hop in the koi pond and chill your fucking shit out.
[GIGGLES.]
You know what, I've been really into TM lately.
- I love TM.
- You do, do you practice? [TOMMY.]
Yeah, I do it all the time.
Ever since I started, you know, I've just been, like, - way more chill and ca - [CAMERA SHUTTERS SNAPPING.]
- Hey! - [GASPS.]
Hey! - Get the fuck outta here! - Tommy! I fucking see you, motherfucker! Tommy, what're you doing? I see you! Yeah, get the fuck outta here, stalker-azzi piece of shit! Do you wanna get sued? Come on.
- Calm down.
- We should be suing him! For invasion of privacy! It's okay, it's okay.
'Scuse me.
'Scuse me.
- Who the fuck are you? - I'm Lonnie.
The contractor, we talked on the phone.
Oh! Right on.
Uh, so meet the crew, uh, this is Vinny.
- Electrical.
- [TOMMY.]
'Sup? - [LONNIE.]
Dennis, plumbing.
- Right on.
Rand, carpentry.
Nice to meet you, man.
[TOMMY.]
You too.
[RAND.]
Oh wow, cool tat.
It's a pentacle.
Uh, pentagram.
That's a pentacle.
Pentagram's any five-pointed star.
The circle actually makes it a pentacle.
You know, it's funny, most people associate the pentacle with Neo-Paganism and witchcraft, but it has its roots in ancient Hebrew scripture.
The Israelites believe that the pentacle was the first of the Seven Seals.
You know, the amulet that represents the seven secret names of God? I just think it looks kinda badass.
[CHUCKLES.]
[LONNIE.]
Anyway, we shouldn't be here for long, we just wanna do a quick walkthrough with the guys, you know, uh, go through your architect's plans.
Yeah, cool beans.
You guys do your thing.
If you need me, I'll be right upstairs.
All right, hey.
Oh! Yeah, there might be some changes.
Changes? Yeah, I'm gonna switch up the ol' concept a bit.
No more bachelor pad 3000.
New concept, love deluxe.
- Love deluxe? - I got married! You did? Who's the lucky lady? - Oh, man.
- Oh.
Hey, boys.
[TOMMY.]
Pamela fucking Anderson! [PAMELA.]
[SQUEALS.]
Babe, stop! Stop it, babe, my Rice Krispies! [INDISTINCT SPEECH OVER TV.]
Have you decided yet? [TOMMY.]
Mm! Hell yeah! - No, God, no! - Oh, yeah.
- Tommy, no, Tommy, gimme! - Nope! Mm-mm.
- Gimme that, please, - Come on! - God, no! - Hey! No, no, no, no, no! - Come on! - No, God, stop.
I can't watch myself.
- No.
- Why? Why not? What? I don't know, it's just I'm so much better in my head.
I I get self-conscious, I can't.
That's crazy.
You literally Look at you, you have nothing to be self-conscious about, especially not your acting.
[SCOFFS.]
You think I'm a good actor? [CRUNCHES FRY.]
Uh, totally.
You can do anything.
Drama, comedy, fuckin' Shakespeare.
Mm-hmm.
[CHUCKLES.]
[LAUGHS.]
Okay, well, how about that? - [TOMMY.]
Totally.
- [PAMELA.]
Yeah? - 100%.
- Oh, my God, I would love to fuck you in space.
[SIGHS.]
[GASPS.]
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, oh, my God, I haven't seen this in years! [GASPS AND SQUEALS.]
The fuck is this? You haven't seen "The King and I"? How? - I - Oh, my God, this is one of my all-time favorite movies.
- Eh.
- [GIGGLES.]
[INDISTINCT TV AUDIO.]
Who's the chick? The chick that's Anna.
That's Anna.
That's Anna! - [TOMMY.]
Okay.
- She's okay, so she was sent to Siam and she's her job there is to teach English to the king's children.
And yeah.
How many fucking kids he got? [SNORTS.]
A lot.
[CHUCKLES.]
Dude needs to slap on a Jimmy hat.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, I can't wait to be a mom.
I can't wait to knock you up.
[GIGGLING.]
Oh, your tits pregnant, that's gonna be insane.
[GIGGLING.]
Have you got a big one? [WHISPERED.]
You know I do.
[CHUCKLING.]
I mean family.
Oh, that.
Mm, do you have any siblings? - One sister.
- Thanks, baby.
- Athena.
- Is she older or younger? - Uh, two years younger.
- Yeah, you close? Extremely.
Super.
Super? Does she have kids? Two.
Tobi and Miles.
They're the fuckin' bomb.
- Yeah? - [TOMMY.]
Mm.
[CHUCKLES.]
Those two little maniacs, they crack my shit up.
How old are they? Uh, Tobi is four, and Miles is two.
They must love their Uncle Tommy.
- Dude, we go hard.
- [LAUGHS.]
You think I'm a madman in the club, you should see me on a fucking teeter-totter.
[GIGGLES.]
[SIGHS.]
I fucking love you, Tommy Lee.
[ANNA.]
Yes, I like you very much.
[GASPS.]
Oh, my God.
I love this bit.
[ANNA.]
It's a very - ancient saying.
- "Ancient saying.
"True and honest thought "that if you become a teacher, by your pupils, you'll be taught.
" As a teacher, I've been learning You'll forgive me if I boast And I've now become an expert - On the subject - [CHUCKLES.]
I like most [CHUCKLES.]
- [ANNA.]
Getting to know you.
- "Getting to know you.
" [LAUGHS.]
Getting to know you Getting to know all about you! Getting to like you Getting to hope you like me! - [CHUCKLES.]
- [GIGGLES.]
- [JOKINGLY SOBS.]
- Getting to know you Putting it my way, but nicely! You are precise Wait for this My cup of tea! - [LAUGHS.]
- Yeah! So English.
[TOMMY.]
Yes! [BOTH SLURRING.]
Getting to know you Getting to be free and easy Easy! [GIGGLES.]
- When I am with you - With you.
Getting to know what to say What to say.
[LAUGHING.]
- Haven't you noticed - Noticed.
Suddenly I'm bright and breezy Because of all the beautiful and new Things I'm learning about you - Day by day - Day by day.
Getting to know you [YELLING OFF-TUNE.]
Getting to know you! - [ANNA.]
All about you - Learn all about you - About you! - Oh, my God.
I've discovered a whole new side of you.
To hope you like me [LAUGHS.]
I should've taped it.
[GASPS.]
I could've blackmailed you for millions! This better stay our little secret.
Tommy Lee, Motley Crue drummer, secret lover of musicals! Don't you dare.
Oh, baby, I'm daring, you try me.
- You try me! - Oh, oh, I'll try you! That's right.
I'll try you.
- Remember that.
- [LAUGHING.]
Assume the position.
No! [YELLING.]
Come here, cave woman! [LAUGHS.]
- [SQUEALS.]
- Yeah! Oh, you're not gonna fly - with this in your mouth! - [PAMELA.]
[LAUGHING.]
- No, oh, my God! - No way! No way! - Whoo! - All right, all right! All right, it'll be our little secret! Haven't you noticed Suddenly I'm bright and breezy Because of all [BOTH MOANING.]
The learning about you Day by day
What's up, lover? [PAMELA.]
Hey, baby.
[TOMMY.]
Fuck, baby, look at you.
[PAMELA.]
Hey, baby.
[TOMMY.]
Holy shit.
[SQUEALS.]
Get in! [TOMMY.]
Baby, I love you! I love you, lover! Fuck.
[TOMMY.]
Wow, fuck, you are so hot.
[PAMELA.]
Baby.
[TOMMY.]
Baby.
Yeah.
[PAMELA.]
Ah, I got it.
Fuck yes.
Yes.
Ah, baby.
I love you so much - [TOMMY.]
Whoa! - [PAMELA.]
[SQUEALS.]
Careful, baby.
Are you okay? - Don't hurt yourself.
- [TOMMY.]
[YELLS.]
- [PAMELA.]
Yes.
[GASPS.]
- [TOMMY.]
[YELLS.]
[PAMELA.]
Fuck, I love you, gorgeous.
["Lock Up Your Heart" playing.]
Won't you lock me In your heart And throw away the key 'Cause I'll love you forever [PAMELA.]
[MOANS.]
Fuck! [MOANING.]
For eternity [TOMMY.]
Oh, fuck.
[PAMELA.]
[MOANS.]
[MOANS.]
I love you so much.
[MOANING.]
And love me tenderly I love you.
[UPBEAT CLUB MUSIC.]
[CLUB PATRON.]
Whoo! [CHEERING.]
Girls night! [CHEERING.]
Cheers! [LAUGHTER.]
Mmm.
You know what? I am done with bad boys.
Here we go.
I am, I'm so over the fights, the drama.
I've heard this before.
[PAMELA.]
You know what I want? Like, nice, sweet regular guy.
You know, somebody boring.
Yeah.
A doctor, lawyer.
Yes.
[SIGHS.]
An accountant.
No, please not an accountant.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Okay.
Wouldn't that be nice? Wouldn't it be so nice? I could just like, stay home, you know, cook dinner, watch a movie.
Just, you know, chill on the couch.
- With the dogs.
- [PAMELA.]
Yes, with my dog and my cute, boring accountant boyfriend.
Pammy, girl, that is so what you need.
I know, I know.
These rock stars, actors are fucking crazy.
All of 'em.
God, forget it, so not worth it.
I've been telling you that.
I am done with self-obsessed.
- [MELANIE.]
Yes.
- And I am done with high-maintenance.
[ALL.]
Yes! Hallelujah.
You know what? From now on, bad boys are out, and good boys are in.
[ALL.]
[EXCITEDLY.]
Yes! To accountants! Accountants! [ALL.]
Accountants! [CHEERING.]
Let's get shots.
- Tequila.
- [PAMELA.]
[GASPS.]
Nope.
Goldschlager.
You know what, the whole fucking club! [CHEERS.]
Whoo! [Crystal Waters' "What I Need" playing.]
I feel my heart and soul I feel the beat I wish someone will give me What I say, what I say What I need, I need I need, need, need, yeah Compliments of Pamela Anderson.
Who? Pamela Anderson.
What I need, I need, I need You are the man Mm-hmm You are the man The one and only man That I need, yeah Fuck you, Tommy! - [SCOFFS.]
- Oh, yeah, go, Tommy! For what? It's just this work thing.
Yes, the producers are flyin' out a bunch of, you know, syndicators and affiliates to this big fancy resort to schmooze and preview the new season.
- And meet Pam Anderson.
- [GIGGLING.]
- Yes.
- That too.
The shit you have to go through with these guys.
It's fine.
[FUNKY MUSIC.]
Get it Huh Uh Come on, now Huh [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Yes, get me.
[SQUEALS.]
[LAUGHS.]
[MELANIE.]
Girl.
- Yes.
- [TOMMY.]
[LAUGHING.]
Yeah.
Yes, you come to me! - [TOMMY.]
Yes! - Yes! [UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC.]
[GIGGLING.]
[La Bouche's "Be My Lover" playing.]
[GLASS SHATTERING.]
Opa! I'm Greek.
I'm Pam.
Be my lover, wanna be my lover [CHEERING.]
[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC.]
Looking back on all the time we spent together You oughta know by now if you wanna be my lover Wanna be my lover Go ahead and take your time, boy, you gotta feel secure Before I make you mine, baby, you have to be sure You wanna be my lover, wanna be my lover Wanna be my lover La da da dee da da da da We looked down and there's this, like, long trail of ants and he just Ants? - No! - I shit you not! We're, like, yes! [LAUGHS.]
Whoo! - Disgusting! - [MELANIE.]
Gross.
Hey, I gotta go drain the main vein.
[LAUGHING.]
Okay.
[UPBEAT CLUB MUSIC.]
- [MELANIE.]
Pam.
- Yes, yes, yes, what? He is trouble.
Oh, gosh, will you relax? - [MELANIE.]
No.
- Melanie, please, Melanie.
Promise me you're not gonna date him.
No, of course I'm not gonna date him, I'm not.
Promise.
I am not gonna date him, he's just, you know, he's just funny is all.
[GASPS.]
Pammy, no! Good boys are in! Good boys are in, good boys are in.
Good boys are in, I know, I know that.
- Okay.
- It's fine.
I'm not gonna date him.
Don't date him.
I am not gonna date him.
- [MELANIE.]
Pinky.
- [GIGGLES.]
[GIGGLES.]
[WHEEZES.]
I'm okay.
Really, I'm okay.
Hey.
It's a very dangerous lot.
[PAMELA.]
Oh, yeah, sure.
- [TOMMY.]
Lotta murders.
- [PAMELA.]
[LAUGHS.]
I gotta go.
[TOMMY.]
It's not even 4:00! - I know, but - I have to see you again tomorrow.
[LAUGHS.]
It is tomorrow.
Perfect, where are we goin'? [MOANS.]
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, God, I gotta go.
I'm, um I'm leaving for work in a few hours.
To where? Uh, Cancún.
I fucking love Cancún! No, it's for work! [TOMMY.]
Not if Tommy's around! [PAMELA.]
To Tommy! Tommy, what are you - Hey! - [YELPS.]
I'm comin'.
Wha you are not.
You are not coming.
Coming's what I do best.
[SIGHS.]
- Come on.
- Good night.
- No, come on, pretty please.
- Tommy.
- Can I come with you, please? - Good night, no, no.
Pretty please with sugar on top? With sugar, some sprinkles, and a cherry? [GIGGLES.]
No! [SIGHS.]
Good night, Tommy.
[SIGHS.]
Fine.
[SOBS.]
[CHUCKLING.]
Okay, only under one condition.
What? [Martha and the Vandella's "Nowhere to Run" playing.]
Nowhere to run to, baby Nowhere to hide [TELEPHONE RINGING.]
Got nowhere to run to, baby [PAMELA.]
Hey, it's me, you know what to do.
[TOMMY.]
Tommy Lee in Cancún Tommy Lee in Cancún Tommy Lee and his wiener Are fucking coming to Cancún! [GROANS.]
[TELEPHONE RINGING.]
Everywhere I go, your face I see [PAMELA.]
Hey, it's me, you know what to do.
[TOMMY.]
Hola, mi amor! [SPEAKING SPANISH.]
Nowhere to hide [TOMMY.]
Cancún! Tommy is coming to Cancún! [PAMELA.]
[GRUNTS.]
Do not come.
[TOMMY.]
Pamela! - Don't.
- [TOMMY.]
I am so stoked.
Tommy, Tommy.
[TOMMY.]
Come on, we're gonna have a blast.
Do not.
Come.
[TOMMY.]
I'm fucking coming.
[CHUCKLES.]
Goodbye, Tommy.
[BELL DINGS.]
[PILOT.]
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome aboard Flight 185.
- You okay? - Hmm? You okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
[PILOT.]
with your seatbelts fastened.
Flight attendants, please prepare for departure.
[Captain & Tenille's "Feel Like a Man" playing.]
I'm a woman who's cried And I'm a woman who's lied But I'm a woman who's tried And I'm a woman, oh yeah Who can make you feel like a man Hi there, how are you? Hello, and welcome to the Ritz-Carlton, Ms.
Anderson.
Thank you.
- These are your keys.
- [PAMELA.]
What time - is this thing till? - [MELANIE.]
6:30.
[HOTEL CLERK.]
And these were left for you.
[PAMELA.]
[GASPS.]
Oh, my gosh, who is this from? Oh, there's a card, open it.
No, it's probably just a fan.
Come on, just fucking open it.
Oh, my God.
[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY.]
- What does it say? - I'm opening it.
- Mm-hmm.
- [GIGGLES.]
"Here's to a kickass, unforgettable weekend.
" From? Simon.
And the gang at ITC Telepictures Worldwide.
Wow.
Beautiful.
[GIGGLING.]
Hmm.
[WHIMSICAL ORCHESTRAL MUSIC.]
[EMCEE.]
Please welcome Pamela Anderson.
[APPLAUSE.]
[CHEERS.]
Beautiful.
Yes, hi.
How are you? Such a pleasure to meet you.
- How's it going? Hey.
- Ever been to Grand Rapids? You are massive there.
Fred Acters from KDFI.
Ooh, hi, Fred, nice tie.
It's such an honor to meet you.
Wow, you're even prettier in person.
Ooh, firm shake, hi.
[JAMES.]
James Zellner, Dayton, Ohio.
[PAMELA.]
Oh, God, there's so many of you.
It's so exciting.
We're gonna have a fun time tonight.
[JAMES.]
So I have to ask.
- [PAMELA.]
Mm-hmm? - [JAMES.]
Is "Baywatch," like, the best job? [PAMELA.]
Oh, yeah.
I love it, I get to go to the beach every day, it's great.
I understand you're from Canada.
Yes, I am.
I used to work in Calgary.
- Oh, wow.
- CBRT.
[JAMES.]
Got everything in Calgary.
I hope so.
I was a station manager up there.
What part are you from? I'm from Ladysmith.
- Ladysmith.
- Mm-hmm.
Where's that at? Uh, near Vancouver.
It's pretty small.
[BUSINESSMAN.]
Vancouver.
CIVT, our sister station.
- [PAMELA.]
Ah.
- Tell her the Jerry story.
A really funny story about their transmitter I'm sorry, um, Ms.
Anderson, there's a phone call for you.
He says it's urgent.
Oh, who? A Mr.
Wiener? A Hugh G.
Wiener.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Excuse me.
[HOTEL CLERK.]
Mm-hmm.
Are you crazy? [TOMMY.]
Kinda, yeah.
[SCOFFS.]
How did you find me? [TOMMY.]
[SCOFFS.]
Easy.
Just call every hotel in the Cancún area.
Oh, my God.
[TOMMY.]
93rd time's the charm.
[SCOFFS.]
Well you do get points for effort, but you are still not coming down.
[TOMMY.]
You're right.
'Cause I'm already here.
No, you're not.
[TOMMY.]
I'm here! What? - [TOMMY.]
You don't believe me? - Shut up.
[TOMMY.]
[YELLING.]
Hear that? [MARIACHI FOLK MUSIC.]
That's fucking Mexico.
Hey, what's up, amigos? Yo soy Tommy Lee! El mucho sexy drummer de Motley Crue! [CROWD CHEERING.]
Whoo! [CHUCKLES.]
So where are we all hangin' tonight? We all? Yeah.
You and your girls and me and my boys.
Your boys? [TOMMY.]
Yup.
Come on, I wasn't gonna come solo.
I didn't want you to think I was some crazy psycho stalker.
Huh, wouldn't want that.
So where are we going? [PAMELA.]
Tommy, I'm here for work.
One drink.
No.
I'm at a thing.
And you're bored out of your skull.
No, I'm not.
You so are.
[SCOFFS.]
How do you know? Kept you on the phone this long, haven't I? [BUSINESSMAN.]
Figures were going out of range, and [JAMES.]
Yeah, yeah.
So then he says, "Well, maybe we could attach a signal boost.
" [JAMES.]
What? And I'm like, "Jerry, you couldn't amplify that sucker enough to reach Edmonton, much less Winnipeg!" [LAUGHTER.]
- I mean, I like the guy.
- [JAMES.]
Classic joke.
I'm sorry, I'll be right back.
[BUSINESSMAN.]
Oh, sure.
[MELANIE.]
This man is a stalker.
[LAUGHS.]
He's not a stalker.
He followed you to Mexico against your wishes.
- That is the literal definition.
- Yeah, well, you know, it's not like I'll be alone with him.
You guys will be there.
[MELANIE.]
I know how these things start with you.
Oh, it's not like I even take him seriously, - I'm just, you know.
- [MELANIE.]
[GROANS.]
That's how these things start with you.
You say you don't take them seriously, then you end up dating them for three years.
Oh, my God, that is so not true! [MELANIE.]
Scott Baio.
[PAMELA.]
Fine.
One.
[MELANIE.]
Bret Michaels.
David Charvet.
Oh, Melanie, come on, I'm so not staying in tonight.
Come on, we can make it a girls night! [PAMELA.]
[GIGGLING.]
Oh, you know what, if we go out, there's gonna be boys, so it might as well be them.
Them? [PAMELA.]
Mm-hmm.
Oh, hell no.
- [PAMELA.]
[GIGGLES.]
- Pam! [ROMANTIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC.]
Don't try to love me Just love me Don't try to hold me [CHUCKLES.]
Look at you.
[GIGGLES.]
You are, without a doubt, the most fuck I'm sorry, I'm afraid the bar has a dress code.
I got a shirt and shoes.
I see that.
- But - But what? Tommy, it's okay.
- It's not okay.
- [CHUCKLES.]
This dude is Is discriminating me.
Am I not wearing a shirt and shoes? [WHISPERING.]
Oh, dear.
A dress code isn't always just about shirt and shoes.
[TOMMY.]
Okay.
Okay, you know what? Fuck you.
- [GASPS.]
- [TOMMY.]
Bro.
Fuck you.
And fuck your, uh, stuffy-ass bar too.
All right.
Let's go.
I know a way cooler spot.
[69 Boyz' "Tootsee Roll" playing.]
Let me see the Tootsee Roll - Yeah, 199 - Quad 69 Boyz backed up by the Quad City DJ's [GROANS.]
One time, cotton candy, sweetie go Lemme see the tootsee roll Come one come all Tootsee Roll Just make that Tootsee Roll Tootsee Roll Here we go, here we go, Tootsee Roll Just make that Tootsee Roll Tootsee Roll Yeah, come on Tootsee Roll Lemme see that Tootsee Roll Tootsee Roll Get up and roll Tootsee Roll And make that Tootsee Roll Tootsee Roll To the left, to the left To the right, to the right To the front, to the front To the back, to the back Now slide, slide, baby, slide Just slide, baby, slide [CHEERING.]
[TOMMY.]
Yo, gimme an S! [CROWD.]
S! Gimme an E! - [CROWD.]
E! - [TOMMY.]
Gimme an X! [CROWD.]
X! What's that spell? [CROWD.]
Sex! [CHEERING.]
[UPBEAT CLUB MUSIC.]
[CHEERS.]
[TOMMY.]
Care for another? - Sure.
- [CHEERING.]
Whoo! What? [UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC.]
Nice! Thanks, buddy! [UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC.]
Whoo! Yeah! Thank you! Thank you! - You are extremely welcome.
- [GIGGLES.]
Ah.
What is that? Love.
[CROWD CHEERING AND CHATTERING.]
Cheers.
[Whitney Shay's "Just When I Thought I'd Seen it All".]
Just when I thought I'd seen it all You came along to rescue me You read my writing on the wall You found my bottle in the sea Just when I thought I'd seen it all I see something beautiful No greater love I can recall [LAUGHTER.]
Whoa.
Oh, my God.
- Dude! - [PAMELA.]
[GIGGLES.]
- You fucking kidding me? - [PAMELA.]
You like it? [TOMMY.]
Yes! [LAUGHS BREATHLESSLY.]
- Whoo! - [GIGGLES.]
Oh.
Oh, my God.
Oh.
[PANTING.]
Oh, fuck.
Dude.
[PANTING.]
[GROANS.]
Mm.
[BELT BUCKLE JINGLING.]
[PANTS.]
[EXHALES.]
Would you like to meet him? Yes, I would.
[BREATHLESSLY.]
He's beautiful.
[Donovan's "Hurdy Gurdy Man" playing.]
[GENTLE ACOUSTIC MUSIC.]
Throwin' like a star in my vast sleep I opened my eyes to take a peek To find that I was by the sea Gazing with tranquility 'Twas then when the Hurdy Gurdy Man Came singing songs of love Then when the Hurdy Gurdy Man Came singing songs of love "Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy gurdy" he sang [MOANS.]
Tommy.
[TOMMY.]
I'm in love.
[WHISPERED.]
I think she's the one.
[PENIS.]
[GROANS.]
You really think so? [TOMMY.]
I do.
[PENIS.]
Oh, I hate those words.
"I do.
" [TOMMY.]
[BREATHLESSLY.]
Sometimes, they gotta be said.
[PENIS.]
[GROANS.]
Fuck.
[TOMMY.]
What? Well, we've been down this road before.
And it never ends well.
[SIGHS.]
- This is different.
- [PENIS.]
Really? [TOMMY.]
She is different.
[PENIS.]
Oh, come on, they're all different.
You saw her.
She's fuckin' perfect.
So is Heather! Hello? Heather was too conservative.
[PENIS.]
Oh.
Pam knows how to have fun.
[PENIS.]
[GROANS.]
She can be wild.
- We can be wild together.
- [PENIS.]
Come on.
I don't have to change who I am as a person.
[PENIS.]
Tommy, Tommy! What? You sound fucking ridiculous.
[TOMMY.]
It's just how I feel.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm in love, bro! [PENIS.]
Sorry, that's just the E talking.
- It's the T.
- As in Tommy Lee.
[PENIS.]
Oh, don't do that.
You listen to me, you have just gotten divorced.
I don't care.
[PENIS.]
We gotta keep this pussy train rolling! - Do you hear me? - Sorry, bro, I'm jumping off.
Come on, what about Jenny McCarthy? What about? Guarantee we could fuck her! Hmm, not interested.
[PENIS.]
Denise fucking Richards? You saw her scoping you out at the Halloween party at the Playboy mansion.
- [TOMMY.]
Pass.
- You're passing on Denise fucking Richards? On all of 'em.
Tommy, you're not thinking clearly.
[WHISPERS.]
My thinking is crystal.
Dude.
Do not fuck this up.
Pam and Tommy.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- [PENIS.]
Don't do this, man.
Do not fucking do this.
- [WHISPERS.]
Forever.
- [PENIS.]
[GROANS.]
Fuck me! [PAMELA.]
[MOANING.]
Tommy.
[GASPS.]
[EXHALES.]
- [PAMELA.]
[GASPS.]
- Let's keep this party goin'.
[BREATHLESSLY.]
Tommy.
Yes, Pamela.
[WHISPERED.]
I don't do drugs.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, I mean it, Tommy, I'm a good girl.
I am, I'm a good Christian girl from small-town Canada.
[LAUGHS.]
[GASPS.]
[MOANING.]
Yeah.
[QUIET MUSIC PLAYING.]
The body of Christ.
[GIGGLING.]
[EXHALES.]
[Nicki French's "Total Eclipse of the Heart" plays.]
[DANCE MUSIC.]
Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit lonely And you're never coming 'round Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit tired Of listening to the sound of my tears Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit nervous That the best of all the years have gone by Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit terrified And then I see the look in your eyes Turn around, bright eyes Every now and then I fall apart Turn around, bright eyes Every now and then I fall apart And I need you now tonight And I need you more than ever And if you only hold me tight We'll be holding on forever And we'll only be making it right 'Cause we'll never be wrong Together, we can take it to the end of the line Your love is like a shadow on me all the time All of the time I don't know what to do, I'm always in the dark We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks I really need you tonight Forever's gonna start tonight Forever's gonna start [UPBEAT CLUB MUSIC.]
She's the one, bro.
[ZAKK.]
Can't even imagine.
Imagine what? What it must be like to tap that.
[SCOFFS.]
I know.
It's gonna be mind-blowing.
[LAUGHS.]
What? You haven't fucked her yet? - Nuh-uh.
- Oh, shit, what the fuck you been doin' the last four days? Just, like, exploring? Oh, I'm sure it's fucking amazing, but still.
You gotta hit that.
Oh, I will.
Eventually.
[ZAKK.]
Eventually? I'm gonna wait.
Till our wedding night.
- Oh, oh.
- Yeah.
To everlasting love.
There's only two special things That you see here [ZAKK.]
Yo, what're you Pamela! Yes, Tommy? [CHUCKLES.]
You are by far the baddest, raddest, sexiest, most far-out, kickass chick that I've ever met! Next to you, Carmen Electra's a hack! [CROWD CHUCKLES.]
You make Jenna Jameson look like a four! [GIGGLES.]
[SCATTERED CHEERS AND LAUGHTER.]
I can think of nothing that I would rather do than spend the rest of my life just loving the shit out of you! [CHUCKLES BREATHLESSLY.]
Pamela Yes, Tommy? [EXHALES.]
[GASPS.]
[ZAKK.]
[WHISPERED.]
Shit.
Would you do me the insane honor of Being my wife? - [BREATHLESSLY.]
Okay.
- [GIGGLES.]
[RAUCOUS CHEERING.]
[Len's "Steal My Sunshine" playing.]
[ALL CHEERING.]
Indulging in my self-defeat [PAMELA.]
[SQUEALING.]
My mind was thugged, all laced and bugged All twisted wrong and beat [TOMMY.]
Hey, señor! [STUTTERS IN BROKEN SPANISH.]
- [STUTTERING IN SPANISH.]
God! - We're getting married! - A padre? - [TOMMY.]
SÃ! Uh, yeah.
- Yay! - [PAMELA.]
[SQUEALS.]
[CHEERS.]
Come on, baby! Here we go.
Let's go.
- [PAMELA.]
[SQUEALS.]
- [TOMMY.]
[YELLS.]
If you only say What you would have done [TOMMY.]
Pamela! Yes! [PAMELA.]
Hi! [TOMMY.]
Are you a priest? SÃ.
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
- [SIGHS.]
- Thank fucking God.
[HIGH-PITCHED.]
Yes! Making sure I'm not in too deep PRIEST: [SPEAKING SPANISH.]
If you steal my sunshine Keeping versed and on my feet You may kiss the bride.
[BOUNCY POP MUSIC.]
[ALL CHEERING.]
I was frying on the bench slide In the park across the street L-A-T-E-R [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
My sticky paws were in to making straws We're fucking married! An incredible eight foot heap [CHEERING.]
Now the funny glare to pay a gleaming tare In a staring under heat Involved an under usual feat And I'm not only among but I invite Who I want to come [Peggy Lee's "That's My Style" playing.]
I'm gonna service you for the rest of my life.
That's my style [SQUEALS.]
And I know when I see it And I see it and I know it And I just can't quite forgot it He's got that chemistry That melts me down and ruins me Yes Cut out those engines now And clang those bells I'm burning while he, yes That's my style, yes That's my style, yes That's my style [AIRPLANE ENGINE HUMMING.]
[WHISPERED.]
Fuck.
- So, um - Mm? Like, what's your favorite movie? Um Uh, you mean like, of all time? Um, "Pretty Woman.
" - Cool.
- Yeah.
I love I love romantic movies.
Yeah, you know, like, "Ghost," uh, "Sleepless in Seattle.
" Mm.
You? - Favorite movie? - Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Shit, I got a ton.
Um, "Child's Play.
" "Nightmare on Elm Street.
" Um, "Hellraiser 2," "Candyman.
" You like the scary stuff.
Yeah, horror, that's my jam.
[CHUCKLES.]
What's your favorite food? French fries.
[CHUCKLES.]
I fuckin' love French fries.
[Iggy Pop's "Real Wild Child Wild One" playing.]
[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC.]
[REPORTERS CLAMORING.]
Pam, over here.
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER.]
- [REPORTER.]
Pam! - [REPORTER.]
Pamela! [REPORTERS CLAMORING.]
[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC.]
- When's the honeymoon? - [REPORTER.]
Pam! Is it true you just met? Was it love at first sight? Gotta dance like a fool Got the message that I've gotta be a wild one Can we see the ring, Pam? Ooh, yeah, I'm a wild one Gonna break and loose, gonna keep a-movin' wild Gonna keep a swingin', baby, I'm a real wild child [REPORTERS CLAMORING.]
[REPORTER.]
Pam, how long you guys been together? Fuckin' ass.
- Fuck you! - [PAMELA.]
Oh, my God, baby.
Oh, my God.
Jesus.
Dude.
You're famous.
[PAMELA.]
No.
No, we're famous.
[BOTH CHUCKLING.]
Where we going? Oh.
[EXHALES.]
You mean, you mean whose house? Where we gonna live? Where do you live? [CLEARS THROAT.]
Uh, I live in the Hills.
Hollywood Hills above Sunset.
You? Malibu.
I love Malibu.
Yeah, I got this fat-ass crib around the top of a hill.
Actually, you know what? That's, uh, timing's perfect 'cause I'm I'm about to start this big-ass renovation.
Oh, yeah, you are? Yeah, we could renovate together.
I mean, like, we could custom build our own little private love palace.
Let's live there.
Really? Yeah.
Yeah! All right.
[LAUGHS.]
Let's do it.
[TOMMY.]
Our own fortress of solitude.
Over there, that'll be, like, a Zen garden.
- Yeah? - And there, you know, a waterfall flowing into, uh, a koi pond.
You know, just fucking super fucking chill.
- So Buddhist.
- Yeah, totally.
Hey, you know what'd be awesome? How about a meditation gazebo? - Snap! - Yes, you know, whenever whenever life gets too chaotic and stuff, - we can just go in and just - Yeah, just pop in.
- We can center ourselves.
- Hop in the koi pond and chill your fucking shit out.
[GIGGLES.]
You know what, I've been really into TM lately.
- I love TM.
- You do, do you practice? [TOMMY.]
Yeah, I do it all the time.
Ever since I started, you know, I've just been, like, - way more chill and ca - [CAMERA SHUTTERS SNAPPING.]
- Hey! - [GASPS.]
Hey! - Get the fuck outta here! - Tommy! I fucking see you, motherfucker! Tommy, what're you doing? I see you! Yeah, get the fuck outta here, stalker-azzi piece of shit! Do you wanna get sued? Come on.
- Calm down.
- We should be suing him! For invasion of privacy! It's okay, it's okay.
'Scuse me.
'Scuse me.
- Who the fuck are you? - I'm Lonnie.
The contractor, we talked on the phone.
Oh! Right on.
Uh, so meet the crew, uh, this is Vinny.
- Electrical.
- [TOMMY.]
'Sup? - [LONNIE.]
Dennis, plumbing.
- Right on.
Rand, carpentry.
Nice to meet you, man.
[TOMMY.]
You too.
[RAND.]
Oh wow, cool tat.
It's a pentacle.
Uh, pentagram.
That's a pentacle.
Pentagram's any five-pointed star.
The circle actually makes it a pentacle.
You know, it's funny, most people associate the pentacle with Neo-Paganism and witchcraft, but it has its roots in ancient Hebrew scripture.
The Israelites believe that the pentacle was the first of the Seven Seals.
You know, the amulet that represents the seven secret names of God? I just think it looks kinda badass.
[CHUCKLES.]
[LONNIE.]
Anyway, we shouldn't be here for long, we just wanna do a quick walkthrough with the guys, you know, uh, go through your architect's plans.
Yeah, cool beans.
You guys do your thing.
If you need me, I'll be right upstairs.
All right, hey.
Oh! Yeah, there might be some changes.
Changes? Yeah, I'm gonna switch up the ol' concept a bit.
No more bachelor pad 3000.
New concept, love deluxe.
- Love deluxe? - I got married! You did? Who's the lucky lady? - Oh, man.
- Oh.
Hey, boys.
[TOMMY.]
Pamela fucking Anderson! [PAMELA.]
[SQUEALS.]
Babe, stop! Stop it, babe, my Rice Krispies! [INDISTINCT SPEECH OVER TV.]
Have you decided yet? [TOMMY.]
Mm! Hell yeah! - No, God, no! - Oh, yeah.
- Tommy, no, Tommy, gimme! - Nope! Mm-mm.
- Gimme that, please, - Come on! - God, no! - Hey! No, no, no, no, no! - Come on! - No, God, stop.
I can't watch myself.
- No.
- Why? Why not? What? I don't know, it's just I'm so much better in my head.
I I get self-conscious, I can't.
That's crazy.
You literally Look at you, you have nothing to be self-conscious about, especially not your acting.
[SCOFFS.]
You think I'm a good actor? [CRUNCHES FRY.]
Uh, totally.
You can do anything.
Drama, comedy, fuckin' Shakespeare.
Mm-hmm.
[CHUCKLES.]
[LAUGHS.]
Okay, well, how about that? - [TOMMY.]
Totally.
- [PAMELA.]
Yeah? - 100%.
- Oh, my God, I would love to fuck you in space.
[SIGHS.]
[GASPS.]
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, oh, my God, I haven't seen this in years! [GASPS AND SQUEALS.]
The fuck is this? You haven't seen "The King and I"? How? - I - Oh, my God, this is one of my all-time favorite movies.
- Eh.
- [GIGGLES.]
[INDISTINCT TV AUDIO.]
Who's the chick? The chick that's Anna.
That's Anna.
That's Anna! - [TOMMY.]
Okay.
- She's okay, so she was sent to Siam and she's her job there is to teach English to the king's children.
And yeah.
How many fucking kids he got? [SNORTS.]
A lot.
[CHUCKLES.]
Dude needs to slap on a Jimmy hat.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, I can't wait to be a mom.
I can't wait to knock you up.
[GIGGLING.]
Oh, your tits pregnant, that's gonna be insane.
[GIGGLING.]
Have you got a big one? [WHISPERED.]
You know I do.
[CHUCKLING.]
I mean family.
Oh, that.
Mm, do you have any siblings? - One sister.
- Thanks, baby.
- Athena.
- Is she older or younger? - Uh, two years younger.
- Yeah, you close? Extremely.
Super.
Super? Does she have kids? Two.
Tobi and Miles.
They're the fuckin' bomb.
- Yeah? - [TOMMY.]
Mm.
[CHUCKLES.]
Those two little maniacs, they crack my shit up.
How old are they? Uh, Tobi is four, and Miles is two.
They must love their Uncle Tommy.
- Dude, we go hard.
- [LAUGHS.]
You think I'm a madman in the club, you should see me on a fucking teeter-totter.
[GIGGLES.]
[SIGHS.]
I fucking love you, Tommy Lee.
[ANNA.]
Yes, I like you very much.
[GASPS.]
Oh, my God.
I love this bit.
[ANNA.]
It's a very - ancient saying.
- "Ancient saying.
"True and honest thought "that if you become a teacher, by your pupils, you'll be taught.
" As a teacher, I've been learning You'll forgive me if I boast And I've now become an expert - On the subject - [CHUCKLES.]
I like most [CHUCKLES.]
- [ANNA.]
Getting to know you.
- "Getting to know you.
" [LAUGHS.]
Getting to know you Getting to know all about you! Getting to like you Getting to hope you like me! - [CHUCKLES.]
- [GIGGLES.]
- [JOKINGLY SOBS.]
- Getting to know you Putting it my way, but nicely! You are precise Wait for this My cup of tea! - [LAUGHS.]
- Yeah! So English.
[TOMMY.]
Yes! [BOTH SLURRING.]
Getting to know you Getting to be free and easy Easy! [GIGGLES.]
- When I am with you - With you.
Getting to know what to say What to say.
[LAUGHING.]
- Haven't you noticed - Noticed.
Suddenly I'm bright and breezy Because of all the beautiful and new Things I'm learning about you - Day by day - Day by day.
Getting to know you [YELLING OFF-TUNE.]
Getting to know you! - [ANNA.]
All about you - Learn all about you - About you! - Oh, my God.
I've discovered a whole new side of you.
To hope you like me [LAUGHS.]
I should've taped it.
[GASPS.]
I could've blackmailed you for millions! This better stay our little secret.
Tommy Lee, Motley Crue drummer, secret lover of musicals! Don't you dare.
Oh, baby, I'm daring, you try me.
- You try me! - Oh, oh, I'll try you! That's right.
I'll try you.
- Remember that.
- [LAUGHING.]
Assume the position.
No! [YELLING.]
Come here, cave woman! [LAUGHS.]
- [SQUEALS.]
- Yeah! Oh, you're not gonna fly - with this in your mouth! - [PAMELA.]
[LAUGHING.]
- No, oh, my God! - No way! No way! - Whoo! - All right, all right! All right, it'll be our little secret! Haven't you noticed Suddenly I'm bright and breezy Because of all [BOTH MOANING.]
The learning about you Day by day