Parents (2012) s01e02 Episode Script

Not triangles? Crusts? You think I should cut the crusts off? Oh, I don't know, Jenny love, what do you usually do? Erm, you know, organic, wholemeal, Jamie Oliver things.
Are you going out looking for jobs today, love? That's the plan.
Oh, do tidy yourself up a bit, then.
And kids, are you excited about your new school? Do you know how had I worked to get where I was, socially, at my old school? Have you got any idea what I'm walking away from? Well, I'm sure you'll make lots of new friends today.
And then bring them round for me to check on.
Can I help you, Nicholas? I was just looking at this manky old shed.
There just seems to be some random old junk in there.
What if I was to clean it up? Maybe I could turn it into a wee home office.
That manky old shed, Nicholas, is my cycling hub.
What's a cycling hub? I am cycling around the world.
You're training to cycle round the world? No, no, no, listen.
I am cycling around the world in my imagination.
I have plotted a scenic, yet practical route around the globe.
By my 82nd birthday, I will have circumnavigated our planet without ever having left the comfort of my own county.
So, what's the bike in our bedroom? The bike in the guest bedroom is the training bike.
This is the performance bikes.
This has the pedometer.
So, how would you fancy sharing your hub with a tasty little piece of start-up enterprise? I'd be delighted to help.
There just isn't the room.
Well, there's loads of room.
Sorry.
Out.
Out.
Out of the hub, Nick.
Thank you, just leave that.
Thank you.
Out of the hub, thank you.
I would prefer that you stayed out of the hub.
I have never respected that man more.
Jenny! Girls, look.
Look at her.
Auntie Jenny's had to go to the Job Centre now She's had to stoop to this cos of her bad attitude.
Isn't that right, Auntie Jenny? For the girls.
Yes, I'm unemployed cos of my bad at attitude and not finishing my vegetables.
Oh, what now? Gonna give up, buy some chips, go home? Jeremy Kyle? Not quite there yet, Chrissie.
I will find something.
You won't find one as good as the old one, will you, though? That was great.
Maybe not as good, but hey, work is work.
I'm not gonna be fussy about this.
The most important thing is to just get straight back in that workforce saddle.
See, girls, isn't Auntie Jenny brave? No tears from Auntie Jenny.
Well, maybe inside, but the important thing is, she doesn't show it.
Work is work.
Work is work.
I'm not fussy.
I'll try anything.
Not that, obviously.
Hi.
Would it be possible to grab an application form? Yes, sure.
Jenny? Jenny Miller? It's Kelvin.
Kelvin Mann.
God, it's been, what? 15, 20 years? You haven't changed a bit.
Wow.
Kelvin.
Neither have you.
So, what are you doing with yourself these days? I'm in slaughter.
I own 17 abattoirs.
Wow.
Right.
So, what the ruddy hell are you up to? You're not still living in the area, are you? Erm No, I'm just visiting.
I'm London based.
Ah, Londres, of course.
Couldn't see Jenny Miller sticking around these parts.
So, what is you do? Go on, wow me.
Here's your application form.
You need two passport photos and a reference we can call.
What? I asked for a skinny latte, not an application form.
A skinny latte, please.
Wake up, man! Your job's on the line! Get the lady the damn latte! So, Jenny, you were just about to blow my socks off with your job title.
I am head of procurement assessment for a major pharmaceutical company.
That is impressive.
Wow.
Well.
This has been so much fun.
We must do it again.
Are you around for a few days? Lunch? Oh, Kelvin, I should have made this clear.
I'm married.
I'm married.
You remember Kathleen.
God.
Yes.
Hi.
Hi, Kathleen.
So, tell me, then.
Who's the cowboy that broke Jenny Miller? Oh, erm And it's precisely because I love you so much, I want to ask you Yes.
Super.
Oh, you don't know him.
He's not from round here.
So, tomorrow, then.
We'll make it a double date.
You bring your better half.
I'll bring her.
Hi.
It's me again.
You know when you accidentally brought me that application form? You sort of planted a seed.
You've got me thinking, "Yes, I would actually like to work at Coffee City.
" I'm not here.
OK, OK.
Take a seat.
Nothing too painful here.
Should be able to get through this fairly quickly.
Bare with me.
OK.
Are you legally entitled to work in the UK? Er, yes.
Fantastic.
Welcome aboard.
Nick.
What are you doing in the garden? It's not a garden, Jenny.
This is my home office.
It was your dad's idea.
My dad suggested you work in the garden? Well, he suggested I go in the garden.
How was your day? Oh, good.
In a way.
Proved my mum wrong, at least.
Said I could get a job in a day, and I did.
Where are you working? Coffee City.
Well done.
They have got a great logo.
Oh, and I bumped into my school boyfriend from when I was 14.
And we're meeting him for lunch tomorrow.
That's OK.
I'm fine with that.
We're all adults.
Also, I'm going to need you to pretend that we still live in London and that I've still got a really good job.
OK.
Oh.
Dad, did you tell Nick to go in the garden? I believe I might have said something about a garden, yes.
I don't remember.
Well, Mum, I said I could do it, and I have.
As of this afternoon, I'm a barista.
A barrister? A barista.
God, that's bleak.
What's that, then, love? Basically, it's a job you might get when you leave prison.
It's hospitality sector.
I'm working in a cafe, mum.
Oh.
And that's alright, is it? Yes, it is, actually.
And Becky, you might think it's a step down, but it means I get to spend a lot more time with you and Sam.
Cards on the table.
I was cool with not seeing that much of you, but having two really nice cars.
Well, I should just like to say, good on you, poppet.
Thanks, Dad.
I mean, you know my private views on coffee.
It should be a class C drug, but within the law as it stands, you're earning an honest day's pay.
Jenny? Kelvin.
Hi.
It's nice to see you again.
In the cafe that, of course, you visit on a daily basis.
I thought you were head of procurement assessment for a A large pharmaceutical company.
Yes.
It's so large, in fact, that it actually owns a controlling stake in Coffee City coffee shops.
I'm here from head office.
We have a scheme where we all spend a week on the shopfloor.
It helps us understand the business.
Let's us keep an eye on things.
But, shhh.
I'm with you.
Shhh.
Two double espressos in the one cup, please, barista.
I like to do the same myself, actually.
Pop into an abattoir unannounced every few weeks.
Murder a pig or three.
Just to remind myself why I got into the game in the first place.
Cheers.
That's two pounds You're from head office? You spy on us? Ah.
No.
No, no.
But you say to this man.
Well, yeah.
Yes, I am.
I am from head office.
And I am assessing the store.
I understand.
I was very confused.
Why she want to work here? Because you are old woman.
You are from this country.
This is very bad job for you.
Yeah.
Very bad job.
Can you imagine if this is your job? It's very funny, I think.
It's hysterical.
But I want to keep this on the downlow, OK? I want to keep it quiet.
I don't want Ed to know that I'm from head office.
You're from head office? You're from head office? Well, yes, I am.
Whose department are you from? John.
Which John? Big John.
Big John Taylor.
Great.
It's so good to have you here.
What have we done wrong? No, no, it's nothing like that.
No, it's just routine.
Just treat me as you would any other employee, honestly.
I don't want any special treatment.
Yes, the mocha is acceptable.
I think now, I'd better sample some of your chocolate-based items.
Jenny! Wowsers, you smell good.
What is that? What ever we put on this one, there's always the faint yet undeniable hint of onion.
You must be Nick.
Yeah.
Great to meet you, buddy.
How tall are you, fella? Erm 6'2".
Can't be.
I'm 6'2", and I can see your crown.
Might wanna get yourself re-measured, champ.
Food! I'll have the Thai red curry, and just give her some salad or eggs.
Thai red curry.
That reminds me of a funny story, actually, Nick.
Ladies, close your ears.
I once made love to an Asian lady.
Jenny, do I detect a blush? Could be a blush.
Could be moral outrage.
Nick, you are one bloody lucky dude.
I mean, I've had umpteen lovers.
Employees, sex professionals.
None quite compare to this little lady that I kissed at the school disco.
It's, er, nice to know that I outrank a sex professional.
Oh, you do.
Honestly, you do.
Ed, I find.
Is Jenny's.
Oichek, I think it's important morally for us to go through her purse.
I'm agree.
Hmm.
Bank card, Visa.
Visa electron? Visa debit.
Ooh, la de da.
Fancy lady.
Kids.
Let's hope they're hers.
Loyalty card of Starbucks.
I think, Oichek, I'd better make a call to head office.
So, Kelvin, erm, how many animals do you slaughter per day? We don't enjoy the term "animals".
So degrading.
They're clients.
And don't think of it as slaughter, so much as, er, meat release.
Well, all I hope is that one day, I can be to energy drinks aimed at busy executives what you are to the mass killing of pigs.
So, where you at with the business, champ? Give me the lay of the land.
Well, I've got the name, "Excelsior".
But I don't really have an office.
Or a recipe.
I'll tell you what you do have, you've got a little dream there, buddy.
He's also a very successful husband and father.
If you wanna talk about successful fathers.
As well as the two that I've got with Kathleen here, I've got more than seven kids elsewhere.
Well, this has been an experience.
But I think we'd better be getting a move on.
Oh, God.
I think I might actually have left my purse in the cafe.
Don't be silly.
This is absolutely on me.
Thank you very much, Kelvin.
Don't mention it.
So, Nick, buddy, what are you up to this afternoon? Well Absolutely nothing.
You're unemployed.
If you have no objection, Jenny, I'd like to hit the golf course with this nutter.
Please let me go and play golf with the businessman.
Hey.
Team.
Sorry I'm late.
Lunch turned into a bit of a long one.
Ooh, that reminds me, Oichek, love, you couldn't do me a solid, could you? Swing by the school, pick up my kids? Jenny, Jenny, Jenny.
Jenny from the block.
Lunch ran on, did it? Yeah, well, you know how it is.
I got dragged into conference calls.
Major dramas.
But I won't bore you.
Oh, no, Jenny, bore away.
Well, you didn't get this from me, but let's just say, don't get too attached to the megaberry frappe.
It's making enemies faster than it's making friends.
Ooh.
What does Big John Taylor have to say about this? Livid.
He is absolutely livid.
I spent the last half an hour trying to calm him down.
But when Big John's angry, well, they don't call him Big John for nothing.
I think you'll find, madam, that the future of the megaberry frappe is rather more secure than your own.
Sorry, who are you? John Taylor.
My friends call me "Big".
But I doubt we'll be getting that far.
I should warn you, I do have a tendency to win.
Hope you don't mind me swinging by the abattoir.
It's just that I've got some papers I need to pick up.
You know how it is.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, papers.
Can't live with them, can't live without them.
Wow.
You like it? I love it.
I bet that's from Japan.
Watch this.
"Good afternoon, Kelvin Mann, what can I do for you?" At ease, Susan.
I'm just impressing a fellow member of the business community.
What's that, Kelvs? My very first pig stunner.
This is how it all started.
Just me, the Valhalla 600 and My Dad's shed.
It's still working after all these years.
Beautiful.
Have a go.
Wow.
You have got a beautiful office, Kelvin.
No, Nick, I had a beautiful office.
It's not mine any more.
I don't understand.
Whose is it? It's yours, Nick.
What? I'm giving it to you.
I'm giving you the abattoir.
You're giving me an abattoir? Yes, Nick.
I've got 16 more.
But I don't know anything about running an abattoir.
Nick, Nick, Nick.
The abattoir runs itself.
What I'm giving you is a spacious office to get your business of the ground.
This is incredible.
I don't know what to say.
Nick, you must realise, this is not a gift.
This is a transaction.
Everything has its price.
Now, I'm not really in a position to purchase an abattoir.
Shhh.
I know everything about your situation, Nick.
I know that you have no money, I know that your wife is a glorified waitress that works in a jazzed-up Wimpy bar.
These things I know.
Then, what is it that you want.
One night.
One night with Jenny.
Think about it, Nick.
Think really hard about what I'm offering you.
For You, the key to the door of dreams.
For me, a taste of a fruit long dreamt of.
Hello, love.
You're late back.
Yeah.
You know you're sitting in the car, don't you? Yeah.
I just decided to chill out here for a bit.
Peace and quiet.
Nicholas, step this way, please.
What is this, Len? Follow me.
So, Nick, no excuses now.
You can get some graft done.
Yes, I can.
Len, thank you.
This is wonderful.
Dad, there's a bike in here.
Mm-hmm.
What are you doing waking us up at five every morning, cycling in our room? That's the training bike, Jenny.
Now, look at this.
"Oh, it's ringing.
" "Hello.
Hello.
Can you hear me?" "Your tea is ready.
Repeat, your tea is ready.
" Thank you, dear.
This is just perfect.
I don't know what to say.
Sorry.
Oh, hello, you two.
How was work, love? I think I'm gonna be looking for something else.
Well, I said, didn't I? You're too good for that place.
When did you say that? Not to worry, love.
There's no rush as far as me and your dad are concerned.
You'll find something you're happy with, a talented girl like you.
And in the meantime, you've always got a home here with us.
Thanks, mum.
Oh.
Leonard.
Come on, get involved.
I'm gonna walk round the block.
And hope that's over by the time I get back.