Parks and Recreation s01e02 Episode Script

LESLIE Well, one of the funner things that we do here in Pawnee is the annual Easter egg hunt.
Tom hides the eggs, and I have to say he did an exceptional job this year.
I've been searching for 25 minutes and I haven't found a single egg.
And I'm an adult.
Oh.
Yeah, I forgot to do that.
LESLIE Maybe Tom's trying to make this year a challenge.
And if so, he's succeeding.
I don't think a single egg has been found yet.
Let's keep looking.
We're gonna find one.
LESLIE I'm going to see my mom.
She's a big mucky-muck in the county school system.
She's my hero.
How do I explain her? She's as respected as Mother Teresa.
She's as powerful as Stalin, and she's as beautiful as Margaret Thatcher.
In or out, Leslie.
Doorway is creepy.
Right, sorry.
Choosing in.
So, what do you want, Leslie? Just here to gossip, gab, chat, stuff we do.
But it looks like you're super busy, and I am super busy, so I shall bid you adieu.
Oh.
That's weird.
I just remembered something.
I have my own subcommittee now.
Yeah.
I'm sure you've heard something about it.
People are talking about it.
No.
Oh.
Well.
Anyway, we're having a town hall meeting tomorrow at 7:00 p.
m.
At the Smithfield Community Center.
Mmm.
Yeah, I'm leading it.
It's no biggie.
I mean, it is.
It's a big deal.
I mean, I don't know.
You know You want to come? Oh.
Honey, jeez.
You know how busy I am.
I know.
I know.
I know! That's why I fake invited you.
I'll try to be there.
Okay.
So, everybody's here.
Let's get started.
Ow! Sorry.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Metal.
Sorry.
That's really loud.
Subcommittee members.
Are we prepared for tomorrow night? Tom, have you booked the hall yet? Yes, sir.
Ann, did you clear your schedule? I did.
I changed my shift.
Okay.
Leslie, I just have to say, I think you might be taking this to the public a little bit too soon.
It literally doesn't matter what you propose to the public.
They might call for a vote, and if they vote you down, then you're done.
I don't care if there's gonna be a vote.
I have a secret weapon, canvassing.
Nothing better than good old-fashioned door-to-door campaigning.
I'm not above using my expertise to change hearts and minds if the cause is just.
When I was in sixth grade, I was voted Best Dressed by 87 votes.
And there were only Andy fell into that pit.
I fell into that pit.
How many more Pawnee citizens are gonna have to fall into that pit before we turn it into a park? Zero.
Say it.
Zero.
Zero.
A hundred.
Zero.
I've got some sunscreen for your beaks.
Tom, you probably won't need any.
Uh And this is our canvassing guide.
This is gonna be the script that we use when we speak with people.
"If a person is a man, turn to page two.
" "If the person looks like a celebrity, example, Jack Nicholson, "use this to help your pitch.
"Example, 'You can't handle the pit.
"'That's why we need to turn it into a park.
"' Oh.
This is really thorough.
Ann and I are a team.
You guys are a team.
We have even sectors, you guys have odd sectors.
And we're gonna win.
Yeah.
Win what? Go! Okay.
Ooh, someone's in there.
This is gonna be fun.
Are you excited? Excited, yeah.
Are you ready? Yes, definitely.
Are you pumped up? Yes! Look humble.
But confident.
Good afternoon.
We are representatives from your local government.
May we speak with you for a moment about the Sullivan Street pit? Sure.
Excellent! Positive response.
How would you feel if we turned that pit into a beautiful community park? Oh.
Yeah.
That'd be a great idea.
Oh.
Good.
I actually live in the neighborhood So I could probably tell you a little bit about That's Go to section three.
Okay.
Um We are having a public forum tomorrow night.
And it would be great if you could come, voice your strong support.
Tomorrow? I can't.
I'm busy.
Sorry.
Oh.
Yes, we understand that people are busy, but we would love for you to come to the meeting and to Sorry.
Good luck, though.
I'm all for a park.
Would it change your mind if we told you that She's gone.
Yeah, a park, huh? That sounds like a really good idea.
Great.
Would you be willing to come to a town meeting and show your support? Absolutely.
Now, is this park gonna have a playground or, you know, maybe a pool for the kids? Oh, how old are your kids? No kids.
Uh-oh.
I'm gonna put him down as a yes.
Don't do that.
Also, is the park gonna be at least 1,000 feet from my house? Because, you know, I really can't move again.
April, please stand behind me.
That's it.
That's all.
That's all we've got.
No flier? Nope.
Okay.
Thank you.
Wow, man.
This is great.
This is so great.
I love canvassing.
What a great way to spend my time.
All right, Team Haverford.
You guys are awesome, but I think I might work better as a solo artist.
So, I'm gonna head out.
Peace.
He runs weird.
He really does.
It's a good idea.
But I'm just not sure.
Okay.
Which part are you not sure about? Turning the pit into a park.
That's kind of the whole thing.
Well, look, I think this is a great idea, but I can't make any forum.
I would have to get a babysitter.
How old are your kids? Four and two.
Could the 4-year-old watch the 2-year-old? Okay.
Mickey! What's up, buddy? How's my number one sod man doing? Look, here's the one, two, three of the situation.
One, we're building a new park, two, I'm on the committee, three, you're putting in the sod.
And who knows, you know? Maybe, down the line, a situation will arise where you could hook me up.
Are you gonna commit to coming to this meeting tomorrow, or are you gonna be a bitch? Yes, you do owe me.
Tom Haverford.
Okay.
Keep going, keep moving.
Nose to the grindstone.
No means yes.
Can we stop, please? Because it's really hot, and I'm tired.
Yeah, I'm hot, too.
Let's blow on each other's faces.
Or we could drink some water.
Yeah, let's do that.
My house is really close by.
Let's just go take a break for an hour or so.
Okay, okay.
Look, I didn't want it to have to come to this, but, Ann, please open the sealed envelope that's in your binder.
This is a little something I learned from Karl Rove.
If you want to guarantee the results of a survey, you design the question to give you the answer that you want.
"Wouldn't you rather have a park than a storage facility for nuclear waste?" That seems iffy.
Yeah, don't worry about it, I made it all up.
Yeah, that's what I mean.
Wouldn't you agree, like most decent Americans, that it would be a good idea to turn the abandoned lot on Sullivan Street into a beautiful community park? Oh.
Actually, no.
I'm not really a fan of parks.
Very noisy, barbecue smell all the time.
Would you change your mind if I told you that nine out of 10 meth users said the same exact thing? What? How would you even know that? Survey.
We surveyed crystal meth users.
We're actually having a little town meeting tomorrow night if you wanted to just Look, I know it sounds weird, but I just don't like living near parks.
So if you have a flier or something, I'd be happy to take it.
Thank you.
Okay.
You don't care about your kids if you don't support this park! Excuse me? It's What I mean is, kids love parks and you should, too.
So, if I don't support your little project, then I don't love my daughter? I didn't What time is this thing, anyway? Oh, it's next month, forget about it.
Oh, it's tomorrow night.
I'll be there.
Great.
Okay.
Come on.
We got one.
Come on.
Am I talking to the two sexiest thighs in landscaping? Yes, I am, 'cause I'm talking to Marcy.
How's it going? Tom Haverford.
Kevin, your sandboxes are the best.
That's why I want you involved! I just want the best monkey bars I can get in my park.
I don't mind hooking you up.
Maybe, down the line, there'll be a situation where you can hook me up.
Thank you for your time, sir.
Hmm, he said some upsetting things.
I can't believe you gave him your home phone number.
Well, I'm a public servant.
I need to be accessible.
What the hell is wrong with people? I should show them Andy's medical bills.
Maybe they'd have a little sympathy.
Oh, my God.
Ann! Game changer.
You just busted the game wide open.
How? Andy.
We need Andy.
He's our symbol.
We'll wheel him around the neighborhood to get sympathy.
He's a cute FDR.
Yeah! Yeah! Ron, you got a minute? Uh, sure, Paul.
What can I do for you? The Sullivan Street Park project.
You fast-tracked it, right? Yeah, absolutely.
We have a public forum tomorrow.
Okay.
Great.
I'll be there.
Great.
Mmm.
"Hey! You fast-tracked that, right?" I'm sorry? Did you say something? Nope.
You didn't say anything to me? Nope.
There's a new wind blowing in government and I don't like it.
All of a sudden, there's all this federal money coming in, and Paul, the city manager, is telling us to build parks and start new community programs.
It's horrifying.
Do you have, like, a nurse's costume? Costume? You mean, like, scrubs? Yeah, put those on.
Okay.
Please tell me Please tell me why My car is in the front yard Bass! Come on.
And I'm sleeping with my clothes on I came in through the window last night It can be tricky dealing Don't LESLIE Why do I want to build this park so bad? Maybe because a pit filled with garbage isn't the best that we can do in America.
You know, in Russia, they could pretend that pit was a park, bring their kids down there.
"Hey, Vlad! Look at these rocks! "Let's pretend they're potatoes!" "Nikolai! Do you want to swim in the dirt?" But not here.
Okay? 'Cause we're a nation of dreamers.
And it is my dream to build a park.
That I one day visit with my White House staff on my birthday.
And they say, "President Knope, this park is awesome.
"Now we understand why you are the first female President of the United States.
" Leslie Knope, builder of parks.
How was canvassing? Canvassing was okay, but I think we're gonna have to postpone the town meeting.
Postpone? Only for one to 90 days.
No.
You're doing this meeting.
You have my full support.
I was talking to the city manager, exchanging ideas.
Um, there's a mutual respect there.
And together, we have decided to fast-track your project.
City manager? Wow.
Really? I have to cancel this meeting.
Fast-track? Did my name come up at all? Oh, this meeting needs to be canceled.
No, it's happening.
Look, just do a good job tomorrow.
Okay? We have to push this thing through.
Of course.
Of course.
I'll push anything through anything.
You know me.
Are you sweating through your suit? I doubt it.
It's a very breathable fabric Oh, yeah.
I am.
Jerry, what's up, man? Hey, you're into pretzels, right? Bam! Hit them up, man.
Thanks for coming down.
I got a seat taped off for you over there.
My top priority with this park, getting your fences in there.
I drove by one of your fences the other day.
I was like, "Man, that fence looks awesome.
" I was like, of course, Roy's.
If you're into chocolate muffins, grab as many you want.
TOM Some people may say that bringing in these contractors this early is jumping the gun a little bit.
Well, guess what? Here's the gun, here's me.
Boom! Victor Miles.
Tom Haverford.
How are you? Thank you so much for coming down.
I want to introduce you to Leslie.
Victor Miles.
Hi.
He's a gentleman I met canvassing.
He also happens to be the top sod guy in Indiana.
That's terrific.
Hey, Leslie.
Hey.
I really want you to nail this.
Don from Don's Cement.
Tom Haverford.
Good to see you.
I was thinking of a jingle for your company.
How's this? Don's cement It's the best you can get Don's I'm so glad you're here.
Yeah.
Andy came, too, to give his support.
I have a lot of stage experience, so This will be fine, right? It's a park for God's sakes.
How much can they hate a park? A lot of them seemed to hate a park yesterday.
April.
April, I need you in the audience.
Okay.
Wait, and if the questions start getting negative, I'm gonna call on you.
And I need you to sell the crap out of the park.
Can you do that? Why? Please, April! This is serious! Can you do that? Probably.
Good girl, good girl, good "probably.
" Good girl.
Okay, here we go.
Line up, everybody.
My mom's here.
My mom's here.
My mom's here.
No.
I can't do that.
That's illegal.
Thank you so much for coming out tonight.
This is our first town meeting about the proposal to turn Lot 48 on Sullivan Street into a community park.
Yeah! This is gonna be a train wreck.
I want my daughter to be successful, which is why I always tell her, "There's nothing wrong with being a wife and mother.
" Now, there are many people that I spoke to who are passionately in support of this idea.
None of them were able to make it tonight, unfortunately.
But they totally exist.
I did not make them up.
Oh, I see a question.
Okay.
No, no.
No.
No questions right now.
My name is Kate Spivack.
Mmm-hmm.
I remember you.
And I live in the neighborhood.
And I am 100% against this park.
I cannot believe the department is moving forward with a project without a single environmental impact study, and if you guys agree with me, let's take a stand.
LESLIE Okay.
We are a little ahead of schedule, because we're holding this town hall meeting so soon, which I was warned about by Mark Brendanawicz, our city planner assigned to this project.
Uh So what would he say? Here we are.
Leslie, should I give them some background info on the site? Absolutely.
Okay.
Mark Brendanawicz knows the answer to every question.
He's amazing and congratulations for hearing him speak.
Hi there.
Leslie might have oversold me a little bit.
Certainly did not.
He's the man.
He's capable of anything.
Okay.
Lot 48 is It's a rectangular lot.
It's got excellent drainage.
And it's on the corner of Sullivan and Collins.
Any questions? I have more of a comment than a question.
Go for it.
It's for the guy in the casts.
Here we go, Lawrence.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
That is Andy Dwyer.
He is a local resident and he tragically fell in the pit.
Uh, yeah.
I don't care about any of that.
He's the guy that plays music all night in his garage.
It's driving me nuts.
Lawrence lives with his grandma.
Which is pretty awesome.
He takes care of her, I guess.
But whatever, he's a douchebag.
It's loud, it's abusive, and it's waking up my birds.
You have birds, now? Yeah, I have birds.
I have nice, pretty, expensive birds, and you play that music, and it wakes them up.
Look, I don't work for the government, okay? Uh, I do play rock and roll.
Guilty as charged.
I'm in a band.
It's called Just the Tip.
And actually, if anyone here plays bass, we need a bassist.
Yes.
Okay, let's take a five-minute break, shall we? Uh.
It is not going well at all.
Mmm-hmm.
It's going very poorly.
Okay? Mmm-hmm.
Like, you're crashing and burning.
Democracy's happening.
People are talking.
I mean, at least they aren't apathetic, right? You're right about that.
They're deeply negative.
You need to put a happy face on this, give me a few positive talking points, and whatever you do, avoid a vote.
I'm oddly attracted to Kate Spivack.
Before we continue, I'd love to just give you a little history of Pawnee.
The City of Pawnee was incorporated in 1817, when a young man by the name of Reverend Luther Howell came from Terre Haute on an ox.
He planted his flag in the ground and was met soon after by an angry tribe of Wamapoke Indians, who, when seeing the whiteness of his skin, twisted him to death.
Flash forward to 1969.
Man walks on the moon.
Pawnee is lousy with hippies My, God.
She's filibustering her own meeting.
Filibuster! Boom! They can't touch you if you talk forever.
I can't speak of the future, but I will.
The future of Pawnee will involve us flying around in space taxis, where we will communicate on watches, and blink our feelings to each other, rather than use words.
And now, I'd like to take a magical journey through a little something I like to call The Phantom Tollbooth, by Norton Juster.
Excuse me? Can't you read that children's book on your own time? I have the floor! "There once was a boy named Milo, "who didn't know what to do with himself, not just sometimes, but " Okay, all right.
You know what? This is a public forum, which means that we all get to tell you what we think.
Well, you did already talk, ma'am.
And I would love to listen to someone else.
Someone I don't know.
Uh That girl over there with the long brown hair and the yellow top.
Could you tell us how you feel about this park? Go ahead.
Hi.
Uh, I'm a youth in the community and I think a new park is a great idea.
And I fully support it, as would the rest of the youth in the community.
Hey! I recognize her.
That kid came to my door yesterday.
Oh, my God! Okay, they have planted people in this audience.
Unbelievable! You know what? We all agree that this park is a bad idea.
We should just take a vote.
Right? Yeah.
LESLIE Okay, we will take a vote.
Before we do that, I want everyone up, lined up behind that microphone, and I want to hear from all of you.
One by one.
ANN That was brutal.
A couple of weeks ago, I was yelling at Leslie at a public forum.
God, I hope I wasn't as obnoxious as those people.
I wasn't, right? At 5 00 in the morning, every morning, beep, beep, beep! I don't want to hear that.
Now, how long is this project gonna take? That's what I want to know.
That's what's important to me.
Because I need my sleep.
I put some Thank you, ma'am.
Thank you, ma'am.
That concludes our meeting.
What about the vote? We're out of time.
It's 9 00.
But we will have many public forums in the future, and we hope to see you all there.
Thank you so much for coming.
LESLIE It was tough.
But, you know, that's Pawnee.
That's democracy.
There are a lot of people here that want this park.
You just gotta get past the negative people.
But guess what? My subcommittee held its first town hall meeting tonight.
God, I loved it! I loved every minute of it.
Hey, park lady.
Yeah? You suck.
Hear that? He called me "park lady.
" You know, normally, I don't agree with Leslie about anything, but this book is awesome.