Pause with Sam Jay (2021) s01e02 Episode Script

- Yo, they made him
Incredible Hulks.
- Are you the nigga
that unlocks cell phones?
- Dead action.
- Niggas said,
"Where the joint at?"
"Where the drugs?"
- You in Miami
trying to catch some?
- All trash here.
- Mm-hmm.
- Zach is stuck
in the bathroom.
- He's stuck?
- Wait, Zach said what?
- Oh, Zach's stuck
in the bathroom.
- Zach, stop touching shit.
Oh, nigga,
you really stuck in here.
There we go.
- After you've had
a few drinks,
the shit's starting
to look real.
- This motherfucker
was all sober.
He was like, "Yeah, Sam,
I'm not drinking anymore.
I just really gotta
focus on nothing."
I was like, "All right, bitch."
- She ain't had sex
in three years.
- Oh, no.
- Don't do that!
She's waiting
for the special guy!
Jamar, you--you a wild nigga.
Do you have any fear
of a motherfucker--
I hate the fucking word
"cancelled."
Do you have any fear
of that shit?
- Nigga,
I was in a foster home.
Everything I get to say
is a blessing.
- That's not what I'm saying!
I'm not saying--
I'm not saying it's a headache.
I'm not--
Ricky, are you scared
of that shit?
Are you scared that
that nigga gonna be like,
"Hey, I got this fucking
old clip of Ricky Velez
saying some fucking wild shit"?
- I feel like
if they would've got me,
they would've got me already.
'Cause I've been saying
wild stuff, like--
I've been doing this
since I was 19.
- Right.
- So I've said
really insane shit,
but at the same time, like,
there was nothing
but funny behind it.
- Mm.
Right.
- So, like, dude, that's
the meaning through it all.
I just feel like
everybody's like,
"I'm worried,
I'm worried, I'm worried."
It's, like, no,
the people that have
actually done rotten shit
are the ones
that get caught up, and--
- Oh, I feel you, but then--
- Like, name somebody to me
that you think
got an unfair shake.
- I'ma say it's not
always comics to me though,
you know what I'm saying?
I just mean why does
a lot of shit move?
Like, I think about that nigga,
Brother Nature, all the time.
This was just a kid that started
feeding a deer doughnuts.
Right?
He was just like, "Hey, there's
a deer in my neighborhood.
"I'ma feed this nigga
doughnuts.
I'ma tape it,"
and everyone fell in love
with this kid, right?
And then because
they elevated this nigga,
they start looking
at this motherfucker's past.
They find a tweet
from when he's
fucking, like, 17,
where he says "faggot,"
and they're like,
"Get rid of--"
And it's, like, bro, I just
don't want motherfuckers, like,
yo, it takes a lot of living
to get here,
you know what I'm saying?
It takes a lot
of life experience
to get to where
the fuck I'm at.
And in that,
you're gonna fuck up,
you know what I'm saying?
Like, there's no way
to not say things
you're not supposed to say
or do things
you're not supposed to do.
I called a bitch fat
in a podcast five years ago.
I dressed like Ike Turner
for fucking Halloween.
- But was the bitch fat?
- Five years ago?
- Exactly.
- The people that are actually
doing grimy-ass shit
get caught up in it.
The real shit
that is happening
and the people being taken
out of the equation
is good for the community.
- Bro, it's, like,
I got "SNL," right?
And I'm like,
"Cool, got this job."
As soon as I get the job,
I had to think,
"Oh, shit,
what did I tweet or say
about 'SNL' that could somehow
affect this fucking job?"
And I had to go back--
- Yeah, so don't fuck up
your future.
What are you arguing?
- I had to go all the way
through my tweets,
delete a bunch of shit,
'cause I had to remember that.
I'm saying I had the hindsight
to do that shit.
- So don't talk past
the job you want.
- But I didn't want
the fucking job!
It's just--it's where my life
put me at that moment.
- So don't take the job if
it's such a fucking headache.
- It wasn't.
That's not what I'm saying.
- What are you talking about?
- I'm not saying
it's a headache!
- That's ridiculous!
That's ridiculous!
Oh, don't think you can
fucking all yell over me.
I'm not gonna let that happen.
- I'm gonna do it.
- What are you talking about?
You took the fucking job.
- Nah, nigga.
- You have--no, no, shut up.
You have--you took a job.
You took a job.
- Yes.
- It is backed by people that
have commercials behind it.
- Yes.
- So that is on your back.
So you're taking responsibility
of taking the job!
- No, that's not
what I'm saying.
I'm saying I had the hindsight
to go,
"You took this job.
"Go through your tweets
and see what the fuck you said
"and delete
what the fuck you said
"and make sure
there's nothing on there
"where you were yelling
about Kenan being in a dress
"or you were saying some shit
about Lorne
"having a private island.
"Like, make sure
you go through your shit
and you get rid of it--"
- I didn't laugh at that,
Lorne.
I didn't laugh at that, Lorne.
- You get rid of all your shit,
right?
And I did that.
I did that.
I went through my shit,
and I got rid of everything.
Right?
I did that and moved forward.
What I'm saying is,
if I didn't have it,
and then I go to "SNL,"
I meet Lorne, I meet Kenan,
I get to know these niggas,
and I'm like,
"Oh, my opinion of them
was false.
My understanding of this whole
situation was false."
If I didn't delete the tweet,
then that opportunity
could've been taken from me
just based on something
frivolous I said
into a fucking void.
And that is crazy.
- Sam, Sam, Sam,
you're acting like Twitter
and all this stuff
isn't, like, a privilege to us.
- Yes, my nigga, but what the--
like, what are you saying,
Ricky?
Yes, I said it, but a janitor
could say some shit.
It's not gonna stop the nigga
from being a janitor.
- So if I shit talk Amazon,
I'm trying to pack boxes for
Amazon, they'd be like, "Yo--"
- You'll still be able
to pack boxes.
- No, no, no, no,
but if you say--
- No, you will be,
'cause I work at FedEx, and I--
- Thank you, Donna!
Thank you, Donna!
Real nigga!
Real nigga!
Fuck with me.
- They will cut you off.
They will cut you off.
- Thank you.
- By the way,
I'm going to use the bathroom.
Come get me!
- All right.
What would be a problem
to bring to you,
and you'd be like, "That's just
too crazy, I can't help you."
If I was in a situation
where some texts
were found of mine
to a woman, and I was like,
"Ooh, I wanna, like, eat your
heart and toes on a salad,"
and people were like, "Hey,
I think Sam Jay is a cannibal,"
would you be able to handle
some cannibal shit,
or would you be like,
"Cannibal shit, not my bag"?
- Armie Hammer's attorney
is a good friend of mine,
and we talk throughout,
and I was more than willing to
help Armie through this thing.
- You was gonna help
a cannibal nigga.
- Listen, if everybody
in Hollywood who was kinky
couldn't work on a movie,
you'd have Angela Lansbury
starring in
every fucking movie.
- So your stance is
if you wanna, like,
bite someone's thigh
and taste they flesh,
that's not cannibal shit.
That's kinky shit.
- Yeah, and I mean,
if you're gonna--
- Howard
- So they often call
PR people "apologists," right?
- Mm-hmm, I have a very clear
theory of apologies.
The way to apologize
is to take 100 fucking percent
responsibility.
- But there's a part of me
that's like,
"Why do I have to, like, bleed
out for someone to be like,
'Okay, you still deserve
to have your life.'"
- Because it fucking works,
okay?
- Because it fucking works.
When you look at the people
who didn't apologize well:
Lance Armstrong,
I think of Paula Dean,
I think of people
who equivocated,
they never got
their careers back.
- How many times
should you apologize
for the same thing though?
- One, one.
- So do you think Kevin Hart
made the right decision?
- I like to do it once,
and I do it well.
I think Kevin Hart made
the right decision for him.
He never really apologized.
I didn't like his apology,
but he seemed to move on
for Kevin Hart,
so for him, that's fine.
I know Kevin's team.
I don't even think
he's homophobic.
I think there's some
true homophobes out there
I wish we were going after
rather than some comedians
who make some jokes
that we weren't
comfortable with.
- Would--would you go
to the Roc Nation Brunch?
- Yeah, but nigga,
I don't wanna hear no
motivational speeches, like
I'm a bit of niggas
interrupted, niggas like,
"So how did the--
the 10th million came how?"
Like, nigga, explain it.
Nigga, like, don't just
say a bunch of cool shit
back to back about
how to be a boss, thinking
- Sam, would you pull up?
- I'm for sure--I wanna be
a Roc Nation Brunch nigga.
It's set up as, like,
that's how you know
you motherfucking made it,
and it's also
very interesting to me
to be around a bunch of niggas
that have access to shit,
right?
All the other shit we do
in the industry
is white motivated.
Issa Rae's Yacht,
Roc Nation Brunch
feel like the true things
that are nigga motivated.
Everything about this shit
has changed access,
respect,
the way I'm allowed to move
in the fucking world--
all of this shit,
and it's, like, yeah, for sure,
for sure,
there is a fear of returning.
And for niggas,
that's the fall.
When a white man
gets fucking cancelled,
some shit happens, and they get
all their shit snatched,
he just goes back
to being a white man.
When that shit happens
to a Black person,
yo, you go back
to being a nigga.
And I'm not ever trying
to fucking go back
to that shit again.
- They canceled the Clippers
owner and gave him a billion.
- I want all the shit, nigga.
- Yeah!
- Why shouldn't I want
all the shit?
I wanna go
on Issa Rae's yacht
and I want Tracee Ellis Ross
to try to, like, shake on me,
and I'ma be like,
"Ay, you a grown woman.
You don't gotta do all that."
And I'll just be like,
"Keep walking."
- Ay, you would not turn down
Tracee Ellis Ross and shit.
- I don't know, I might.
- She thick as fuck.
- So are her eyeballs, nigga.
- But she--she's super--
She's so--
Don't do that.
Don't do that.
My baby got big eyes!
Don't do that.
My baby got big eyes!
- She may have a problem.
You don't know.
She may have a thyroid problem,
bitch.
Don't joke with that.
You don't know.
- She got a eye-roid problem!
- What I hear right now
is, like,
oh, you get that case,
and you're like,
"This is gonna be easy
because the world's
just taking it easy
on your group right now."
- People of color probably have
it easier than white people.
- Ooh, you better say that.
Look, that was a risky thing
to say.
"People of color probably have
it easier than white people"?
Why do you feel that way?
- Historically, we have not
given people of color
a second look
and a second chance.
I think we have
discounted people of color,
and I think
probably it's only fair.
That's not to say
that nobody of color
has ever been cancelled.
- Mm-hmm.
- I think people in music
probably get a pass.
I think comedians probably
get a little better pass.
- I mean, you would kind of
expect a comedian to be, like,
a fuck up and a burnout.
- Right.
- Whereas, like--
- You're supposed
to be outrageous.
- Yeah, or, you know,
Anthony Weiner,
if he's a rapper
texting mad side bitches,
this is not a scandal.
Right.
- You know what I mean?
'Cause it wasn't even like
he was really out here, like,
fucking, he was just like,
"I got hella bitches
in my phone."
If he's Quavo, who cares?
But because he is who he is,
it was, like, a huge deal.
When someone gets in some hot
water and gets in some shit,
what group do you hear
that got in it with it
and you're like, "Oh, boy.
Like, this is a wrap."
- Well,
my own beloved community,
our own beloved community.
- The gays, right?
The gays.
So say, like,
I shit my pants in public.
Do I need a crisis manager?
People have pictures.
Everybody knows it.
I'm Sam Jay, I shit my pants
at a McDonald's
in the line getting nuggets.
- I don't think you do.
- What if it becomes habitual?
What if I--like,
we're two months into this,
and I've shit my pants
at three other places?
- I'm gonna get you
a Depends ad, okay?
- All right.
Ah, get me some money.
- I'm gonna get you
a sponsorship.
We're gonna make you
some money on this.
- I like that.
I like that.
How are y'all dealing
with more attention though?
You know what I mean?
It's, like
- I mean, we're comics.
You know, at the end of the
day, we're stand-up comedians.
- Yeah.
- We have an ethos.
So, like, all this other shit
that happens, like, it happens,
but I feel like
we stay centered
by being stand-up comedians.
Like, coming back here
with this community,
it's, like,
it keeps you grounded, so
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- I don't think anything's
really changed that much.
I mean--
- It's not--
I don't know, for me,
it's a little overwhelming.
A little bit,
you know what I mean?
It's fucking weird
to some degree sometimes.
Like, I Googled myself,
you know, on some stupid shit,
and it's like, "Oh,
this is how much she makes."
A lot of them thought
I was a man.
They were like,
"Sam Jay, male."
Which was fucking cra--
you know, just how much
false information is out there.
- Yeah, it's awful, but
it's all just, like, bullshit.
Like, when you look
on the internet,
they can say whatever,
and it turns--
and people will be like,
"Oh, that's true."
You know it's not true,
and it's just like,
after a while,
you just gotta be like,
"You know what?
I'm staying focused."
- You gotta unplug.
You gotta unplug.
- They were calling my girl
my wife,
which is 100% untrue, like,
I'm married to a whole other
bitch that no one knows about.
I'm still not divorced,
nigga, like,
I'm like,
"These niggas don't even know
anything about
my fucking life."
And it was weird,
'cause it's, like,
I'm not even anybody yet,
and like,
wait till I do something.
Wait till I--
like, I don't know,
have a hit and run
or dangle a white baby over
a balcony or some shit
before you start this.
- But I'm starting--
- Speculating on
who the fuck I am.
- I'm starting to believe,
like,
as you grow and get bigger,
it's just, like, people are
gonna throw shit on you anyway,
so you have
to choose your battles.
- They treat
everybody famous better
than regular niggas, right?
But when you're Black,
that difference
is between, like,
common human decency
- Yeah.
- And being treated sub-human.
- Right.
- And it takes
from our community,
'cause it's, like,
so many of us
could probably
be great teachers
and great influencers
in our own environment,
but it seems like
there's no win in that.
You know what I'm saying?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- So the only people I saw
having any semblance of that,
were, like,
fucking famous people,
you know what I mean?
That were just getting any--
that were Black,
that were getting anything
that was, like,
what I heard this country
fucking is or does for you.
'Cause motherfuckers, like,
if a teacher bitch or Nas
are about to get shot,
everyone's gonna be like,
"Shoot that teacher bitch!"
- "We gotta save Nas!"
- Yeah, we gotta
motherfucking save Nas,
and it's, like, no.
- Crazy.
- It's crazy.
both: Yeah.
- It's crazy.
It's, like,
Kanye West had to make
"College Dropout"
to get the privileges
of a white teenager.
Just to be able to, like,
smoke weed outside
and people don't
fucking ram his face
into the fucking pavement.
- Right, right, right.
- And it's, like,
what does a nigga do
in this country for protection?
Niggas get fucked with
no matter what level they on,
really.
You know what I mean?
Like, it don't matter if you
a Black teacher or a Black cop.
You can be subject
to the racism and the harm,
but it always seem to me
that celebrity was above that.
And celebrity was, like,
the only version
of Blackness that I saw
that was close
to what the American dream is
or what the hell
they're selling us.
So I just wondered
what your thoughts are on that.
- I do agree.
I think celebrity
can afford you
that type of privilege
and knowing the right people.
So, like, before people
"knew" who I was,
my dad still
was retired secret service,
so it's been multiple
occasions to where
I may get pulled over,
I may have a run-in
with law enforcement,
we got the same exact name,
they identify the name,
and then they treat me
with a whole totally
different level of respect.
That's a good--literally
"get out of jail card."
- What do you think
about Black safety
in America,
you know what I mean?
In the sense of--
gun laws are racist as fuck.
It's so many limits to ways
that we can protect ourselves.
- To me, to live in a country--
to me, this country's built on
violence and entrepreneurship,
so let's take
out entrepreneurship,
but if it's built on violence,
we put ourself
at a disadvantage
when we can't meet you where
you're at in terms of violence.
Yeah, if you're not strapped
these days,
you making a conscious decision
just to be around a bunch of
crazy motherfuckers with guns
and be like,
"Yeah, you know what?
"Well, nobody's gonna bother me
'cause I'm Jesse,
and I'm a good guy."
- We can't shoot
any of this shit
because in New York,
I don't know,
niggas plus living and guns
equals no.
So let's kick it over here
and see what we can fuck with.
- So I would love
to shoot the T-shirt cannon.
- Okay.
Ooh.
I think two niggas
shooting guns
talking about how much
they don't like authority
is exactly
what they don't want
- But whatever.
Just 'cause I'm curious, right,
they make a law,
I don't know, next week,
and they're like,
"No one can have guns."
So now you're a Black man
in America, gunless.
- Mm.
- How do you,
Derrick, feel safe then?
- I mean, well, first,
for me to not feel safe,
I would have to apply that law
to my life.
That's number one.
- What do you say though
to the people
that do live in New York
and can't get a fucking gun?
- But I would definitely tell
them to be proactive about it.
Don't just accept the fact
you can't get a gun
and not do anything, like,
"Well, shit, what can we get?
What is legal?"
- So niggas in New York
should carry dynamite.
- If it's legal, shit.
What--
flamethrowers,
crossbows, darts.
Whatever they gotta do.
- You like,
"Get something, bro."
And I think
that's also why, like,
celebrities, like,
broad and shit,
like, they put their kids
in the forefront and shit.
Like, motherfuckers be like,
"Oh, why is he always
showing Bonnie?"
It's like, "Maybe to save his
fucking life, I don't know."
Maybe so that people
will know who his kid is
and when he gets pulled over
one day on a side road,
he won't get shot.
- But it's also existential,
you know?
Like, it can save you.
- Right.
- Us being in "22 Jump Street"
saved us.
- Yeah.
- Like, this cop,
they pulled us over.
We thought that they were
pulling us over for some shit
'cause we got weed on us.
They pulled us over
and they asked us for a selfie.
And I'm like,
"That's the benefit
of having a cameo in a movie."
It can save you!
It can save your life.
- It can totally save you.
That's so fucked up.
I feel like when you get it,
white people feel like
they gave it to you.
It's such a privilege,
so it's like, "At any point,
we can take this from you
"if you don't behave the way
we want you to behave,
if you don't do the things
we want you to do."
You know what I mean?
Like, look what the fuck
they did to Wesley Snipes.
This nigga fucking
made "Blade."
Three fucking "Blades."
- He did so much,
you know what I mean?
- This nigga was a nigga
vampire killer, and then,
he thinks he found some
white man loophole in the taxes
and then they're, like--
they threw this nigga in jail
like he made "Blade"
zero times.
I feel a lot of the same things
you're saying.
I'm, like,
motherfuckers are crazy.
- Right.
- 'Cause I want a gun, right?
I'm a lesbian.
It's just two bitches
in the house.
You know what I'm saying?
So I'm always like,
"Yo, anything could really
fucking happen in here."
You know what I mean?
- That's a fact.
- But my girl's like, "I don't
know how comfortable I am
with something like that
being in the house,"
which I feel like is fucked up
because she also puts me in,
like, the nigga's position.
Like, you expect me
to fucking fight for you,
but you ain't giving me
shit I need
to fucking fight with.
- And the unfortunate part is,
if somebody have intentions
on violating y'all,
they probably
were subconsciously
already planting the seed
that they should handle you
like they should handle a man.
- 100%.
- So it wouldn't even
be the same, like,
I wanna say mercy that they
may have on, like, somebody
who presents themselves
with that level of femininity.
- For sure.
- So no, hell yeah.
- She say shit like that,
but then she'll forget
to lock the fucking door,
and she sleeps ass naked,
and I'm like, "Dog, you can't
lay all this shit at my lap.
You gotta give me
something to work with."
- Right, right, right.
- I used to work
at a Starbucks.
This is supposed to represent
my manager,
but my real manager's
a Black dude named
who used to jerk off
in his office all the time,
and he'd come out all sweaty.
- That's factual,
or you just came up with that?
- Nah, I didn't come up
with it.
We caught him watching porno
one day.
- I come down a little bit.
- Yeah, yeah.
I saw.
All right,
maybe I shouldn't have a gun.
Okay, cool.
We're talking about
all that shit,
like, celebrity
and all that shit.
Why the fuck do you think
people care so much?
Like, why the fuck are you
so obsessed with, like,
oh, Kanye's fucking
Jeffree Star,
or why are you so obsessed
with, like--
- That was false.
- Which wasn't true.
- I love him.
- And I love Kanye,
and I was very concerned,
but then I got unconcerned.
- I'm not gonna laugh at him.
- But I'm just saying,
like, that shit,
or you're very obsessed
with, like,
who's a fucking molester.
- 'Cause the world is so small.
- But you're getting
to my point.
- The fact that we're still
doing news articles
about Jennifer Aniston
and Brad Pitt,
and Angelina Jo--
like, they haven't been
together for 25 years,
and you can still write
a news article on that today.
- It's show business.
There has to be a show.
- I'm not mad--
- Careers have been built off
of this.
- 100%, 1,000 times over.
- But I think what y'all are
fucking taking out of this shit
is that the relationship
is fucking reciprocal.
And it only works if people
are fucking so empty
and shallow
that they're fucking feeding
the fucking thing.
And it's, like, oh, if you're
really into that type of drama,
listen to the bitch
getting beat next door to you.
And be into that, and then
maybe call the police,
and maybe do something,
because that is
your immediate environment.
- But no one
will listen to that.
- Because you don't
fucking care, that's why!
It's not because
it's not fucking valuable.
It's because
people don't fucking care.
What I'm saying is, people need
to stop focusing on celebrities
and conspiracy theories
and start focusing
on they own shit.
And so it's like, yo,
you gotta own that shit,
and you gotta take that part
of that fucking responsibility
because if you did give a fuck
and you did care about that,
maybe your community would
actually be fucking better.
Maybe your environment would
actually be fucking cooler.
Maybe your environment
would be less dangerous,
but you're somewhere
policing a nigga in L.A.
when you live in fucking Bronx.
What the fuck
is wrong with you?
Seeing those bitches are back
for the celebrity tea.
I'll tell you who's a alien,
and I'll also tell you
who's having butt sex
with Barack Obama.
- You heard?
- Now hit
that subscribe button
and buckle up, bitches.
I took this story to every
gossip site I could find,
but they all refused,
"Media Take Out,"
"Nikki Swift,"
and Shade Room all said,
"Bitch, no.
This story's too hot."
- I know they didn't do that.
- What about my family?
Lucky for y'all, I made this
video on my own on iMovie
'cause the software came
preloaded on my computer,
and I'm a lone wolf.
You see this CVS right here?
It may look like a nice place
to buy Mountain Dew
or finger fuck a girl
in the bathroom
- Ew!
- But actually,
this is a for-profit prison
where they keep cocoa butter
behind bars.
Now who profits off
Black people drying out
into the wee hours
of the night,
and are they trying
to get Black people
to shed their skin
like reptiles to get our DNA
without our consent?
We all know what DNA
stands for:
Damn, Niggas Ashy.
- Facts.
- And I know what
y'all thinking.
Who's a cop?
Ice-T.
And who does Ice-T love?
Coco.
And what color is Coco?
Butter.
Mm.
And we all know the government
has a history
of pairing
big-tittied white women
with Black men to try
to bring about their downfall.
- Damn, that's deep.
- But I'll get to that
in my next video.
Now what you gotta
ask yourself is,
why are they locking up
cocoa butter?
Well, I did some free-search,
and I found out that the same
people that make locks at CVS
make handcuffs.
Yes, the same handcuffs
that locked up
Cuba Gooding Jr.
Are you doing the math?
- Mm.
- His name is Cuba.
That's right.
Just like the country.
And I think CVS
is trying to put an embargo
on niggas being moisturized
'cause we all know
what CVS stands for:
Crackas Very Suspicious.
- This shit crazy.
- Do they not want to give us
cocoa butter
because if our hands
are too greasy,
the handcuffs would slip off?
Or is this just
the mental lubrication
before they start locking up
all our shit
like Hanes T-shirts,
our minds, or Takis?
- I never thought
about that one.
- But that's not the end
of my skin-vesigation.
Here's something
that they won't tell you.
The cocoa butter market is a
multi-million dollar industry
for Black niggas
and Black niggas only.
It's controlled
by three niggas:
James Coco, Keke Palmer,
and who?
That's right, Terrell Owens.
- My guy.
- The whole league tried
to lock Terrell Owens up
on the field,
but you know who else likes
locking niggas up in a field?
This bitch,
from district 12
of New York,
congresswoman,
Carolyn Maloney.
- This bitch work
for the government, y'all.
- Now I'm about to hurt
some feelings for a minute.
The first thing you need
to know about this lady
is she hates niggas--
I think.
The second thing
you need to know
is that she looks like
the bad guy from "The Mask."
- Ooh, child.
- I know.
But most importantly, I heard
through the grapevine
that Carolyn Maloney
makes most of her money
evicting people and supporting
private prisons.
- Disgusting.
- Also, she gets a lot
of money from Estee Lauder,
and I don't know what makeup
has to do with niggas in jail,
but the truth
cannot be contoured.
It's ugly,
like, Carolyn, allegedly.
Because I don't want
this bitch suing me
and making me a ashy slave.
Now I would blame her husband,
but he died on a mountain,
naturally, allegedly.
Brokeback?
Hard to say.
- I bet you can't know
about that.
- But you know how
we can break these chains?
We call Carolyn's office at
And tell her to free the cocoa
butter and free my niggas,
but not Cuba.
I also did some
she-tective work about him,
and that nigga's nasty.
- Yeah.
- I look out the window
- Hey, don't break
my cappuccino machine!
- What?
- Yo, nigga, let me pee.
- Y'all want to go do shit?
Y'all were just gonna
get closeups of rape?
- Aw, y'all don't pull
Teddy's titties out.
That ain't all right.
That ain't right.
- WorldStar!
- Real shit,
I love y'all niggas.
Thank y'all so much
for fucking coming.
It was super-duper
fucking fun.
- Thank you for getting rich
and inviting niggas over.
- You know how it is.
I appreciate y'all niggas.
- Niggas get rich.
- Thank y'all for coming.
People are always gonna be
interested in celebrities,
and celebrities
need them to be.
The relationship
doesn't work otherwise.
There's nothing wrong
with being interested
in how the other side lives,
but that interest
can't become an obsession.
You shouldn't let it
get to a point
where what some nigga ate
at a Hollywood restaurant
on a Tuesday
gets more of your attention
than your neighbor
who got laid off
and may not be eating at all.
Celebrity may temporarily
make you feel safe or equal,
but all that shit is fleeting.
Crackas are gonna
eventually crack.
Best bet is to build up
your community,
whether you live in it
or not.
Because a strong community
is more protection
than the temporary grace
of a group
that doesn't see you anyway.
Stop worrying about
celebrity mess,
and get messy
in your own neighborhood.
Ask the mailmen who's ordering
all the sex toys.
Turn off that Netflix doc
about a pedophile
and pay attention
to that 30-year-old nigga
who hangs out
at your sister's high school.
Or just talk to your grandma.
She's probably
cut a bitch in '49
and has a real interesting
take on why.
Looking local
won't change the world,
but it could change how safe
you feel on your block
or how your cashier treats you
at the grocery store.
Celebrities already have
their network of protection
and safety nets.
Focus on making your own.
We don't allow people
to have different iterations
of themselves.
We're constantly boxing
ourselves into some shit.
There is, like, society
that's like,
women have
to put they titties up.
So my titties been up.
Once you're able to show 'em,
it's like I can do anything.
You're doing a lot I can't do.
You're doing titties out.
You're tatted up.
I just wanna see if there's
anything I didn't cover.
You didn't ask me if I'd done
any gay shit.
Oh, I do need to ask you
if you did some gay shit.
I might change my whole shit up.
-I can still put on heels.
-No! No!
Yes, bitch.
You shut the whole party down!