Peacemaker (2022) s01e02 Episode Script

1 (CELL PHONE VIBRATES) (SIGHS, GROANS) What? What the fuck is Project Butterfly? What? - Well, we got a situation here.
- What? I hooked up with a chick, and I'm not saying that to make you jealous.
I'm saying it because she was a metahuman freak that threw me around the room like an angry kid with his little sister's Cabbage Patch Doll! Oh, fuck! Where is she now? PEACEMAKER: She's spilled gumbo in the parking lot.
- (SIRENS BLARING) - But I'm gonna need a new ride.
I blew up my car.
Are you running? Going back to get my shit in her apartment! Ah, shit.
All right, I'm on my way.
I didn't give you the address.
Yeah, I can track you through the chip in your head.
Wait, you can't see me jerk off through that thing, can you? It's inside of your fucking skull! How could we PEACEMAKER: I don't know, technology's a beast.
Hey, Harcourt, you want to see me rub one out? All you gotta do is ask.
Focus, pervert.
Get your shit and get out of there.
PEACEMAKER: All right.
I'll meet you outside, somehow.
- (EAGLY SQUAWKS) - (SIRENS WAILING) (SQUAWKING) (TIRES SCREECH) Fuck! (POUNDING) New girl! You're driving.
Peacemaker just killed a damn butterfly.
Do ya really wanna do ya really wanna taste it? ("DO YA WANNA TASTE IT" BY WIG WAM PLAYING) - Get it on - Get on top - Make a move extreme - Make a pose Make a shortcut to your dreams Float straight to the stars on that flying thing - Getting high - Getting brave - Getting snowblind, game - Set, go Pick a tune, chick harpoon in a world beyond Got a beat, got a heat on a phony string - Tear your world apart - Once the magic starts Do ya really wanna do ya really wanna taste it? What's going up must come down Do ya really wanna do ya really wanna taste it? Baby, you're losing ground Blind to what you'll soon become The mirror lies the whole world's wrong - (GUNSHOT) - But you Dancing with your blinkers on Throw your dog the invisible bone Do ya really wanna do ya really wanna taste it? What's going up must come down Do ya really wanna do ya really wanna taste it? - Baby you're losing ground - Blind to what you'll soon become The mirror lies the whole world's wrong - But you - Dancing with your blinkers on Throw your dog the invisible bone (EAGLY SCREECHES) (SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE) (PANTING) - (RECORD PLAYER CLICKS) - (INDISTINCT CHATTER IN HALL) - ("7 O'CLOCK" BY THE QUIREBOYS PLAYING ON RECORD) - The fuck are my socks? (STRAINING) Ah, come on! Goddammit, Dad! Oh, yeah, yeah (GRUNTS) Fuck yeah.
You have him on the tracker? Yeah, it looks like he's still inside the apartments.
We're almost there.
CLEMSON MURN: Okay, get him out of there.
- (LOCK CLICKING) - Harcourt, I don't think I need to remind you how important this operation is.
I've got it handled.
Don't worry, I'm almost there.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) You know in your room, what you have in there, - that's not safe.
- What? - You had someone in your room.
- Is it against regulations? - I didn't say that.
- LEOTA ADEBAYO: What are you doing? This op is off the books.
We don't have regulations, but it's not safe, is it? For her, I mean.
- I don't know! - It's not.
- What are you doing? - Watch the road.
- I also have dogs.
- Okay.
- Do you think they're safe? - Are they big dogs? No, they're pretty small, but one of 'em, Emerson, he likes to wear these little outfits.
Do you think that's gonna make him a bigger target? Jesus Christ.
- (TIRES SCREECHING) - (ENGINE REVVING) - (CAR HORN BLARES) - LEOTA: Shit! Almost hit that bitch.
Peacemaker's vehicle's at the scene.
Can you change the name on the registration? - JOHN ECONOMOS: Yep.
- MURN: Good.
(COMPUTER BEEPS) - (INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER) - SOPHIE SONG: What the hell? The report said "an explosion".
How'd the possum stay intact? (SIGHS) I hope this isn't some cape shit.
We've got enough trouble with that maniac Vigilante running around.
("7 O'CLOCK" BY THE QUIREBOYS CONTINUES PLAYING) What's your kind of thing? I go Shit.
Whoo hoo, oh, yeah - (SNIFFS) - (MUSIC STOPS) What's this? Pizza? Officer, put that down.
- Why? - Because I think it's a face.
- A what? - A face.
A human face.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER POLICE RADIO) Backup and medical examiners are on their way, Detective.
EMILIA HARCOURT: Could you move any fuckin' slower? LEOTA: I'm trying to be sneaky.
HARCOURT: Oh, shit.
Can you believe this idiot fucked a butterfly? I mean, the man's been in prison for four years.
There's not much I'd believe he wouldn't fuck.
A bowl of oatmeal, a grapefruit, some yogurt.
(SIGHS) I'm hungry.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) LEOTA: Look, I know you don't believe me, but Emerson, he really does like to wear clothes.
If you don't put him in something new in the morning, he'll just whine until you do.
Do you pet the dog when he looks cute in these clothes? I guess.
He doesn't want to wear the clothes, he's just willing to humiliate himself for your love.
I think he just likes lookin' smart.
- Where the fuck is he? - Emerson? He's at home.
Not the fucking dog! Peacemaker.
- (FABRIC RUSTLING) - ("7 O'CLOCK" BY THE QUIREBOYS CONTINUES) I used to love her but she turned me away She couldn't take me for another day PEACEMAKER: What is that, a cat? Super neat.
(CHUCKLES) I see cookies in my future.
(LAUGHS) This is must have.
Love her once then she'll love you twice (DEVICE BUZZING) I go, whoo hoo, yeah whoo hoo, oh, yeah (DEVICE HUMMING) (CELL PHONE RINGING) What? What the fuck are you still doing in there? I told you, I'm getting important shit! Well, there are too many cops outside the front door, so you're gonna need to find another way out.
Do you see Eagly out there at all? Your eagle? PEACEMAKER: Yeah, could you, uh, could you look for him? Is he out there? No, man, I'm not gonna fucking look for your eagle.
Harcourt, it's do me a solid.
Just roll down the window, stick your hand outside, and then crinkle a bag.
He'll think you have chips.
He'll come right out to you.
HARCOURT: Why are you feeding him chips? LARRY FITZGIBBON: Is that somebody in the window up there? Fuck! SOPHIE: What was that on his head? Really? You didn't fucking trust me? (INDISTINCT CHATTER) SOPHIE: Excuse me, ma'am? Is there any other way out of this building? Just the front door here and another on the side.
Okay.
You two, with us.
You two, cover that side door.
- OFFICER: You got it.
- (MUSIC INTENSIFIES) There's no exit on the back of the building, so see if you can get to a balcony on the second floor and jump.
Jump? (LULL IN MUSIC) (MUSIC RESUMES) HARCOURT: All right, go around back, go around back.
- (CAR ENGINE STARTS) - (SEAT BELT ALARM CHIMING) - LARRY: Fifth floor, right? - SOPHIE: Yep.
(ELEVATOR DINGS) (SINGING) Gonna catch a bad guy dun-dun-dun, duh Damn, my heart is beating! Is your heart beating? No, my heart stopped beating.
PEGGY: Was that four or five? (DOOR SLAMS) - Did you see that? - Yeah.
Hey! Hey, stop right there! (DOOR CLOSING) (KNOCKING) LARRY: (OVER RADIO) Song, just saw someone go from the fifth floor to the sixth.
Was he wearing something on his head? Well, that I couldn't see.
Head up on to the sixth floor, then we'll check out this apartment down here.
(MUSIC BUILDS) - (KNOCKING) - (MUSIC CONCLUDES) - (PANTING) Hey, man, what's up? - Uh - Freddie there? - Freddie who? - Freddie Mulmamimimim? - No, there's no No, you guys are doing chardonnay and charcuterie, right? I I signed up with the e-vite.
You guys sent me a a Hondr, Flindr, Tinder, Grindr.
Ah, fuck.
(HUSHED) Shit! (SHUSHING) - What are you doing? - Pick those up.
Knock on doors.
- Fuck, man, please? Pick 'em up! - Okay, okay, okay.
Evan, what is going on? EVAN: This guy broke in.
Call the cops.
- You call the cops! - Baby, he has a knife on me.
- You're helping him.
- Hey, hey! Shh, shh, both of you.
- Well, thank you, sir.
- Yeah, no problem.
(LARRY SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) - RESIDENT: Yeah, okay.
- LARRY: I understand.
Okay.
Thanks.
(KNOCKING) LARRY: Thank you, I appreciate that.
You have a good night.
- (PEACEMAKER BREATHING HEAVILY) - (CRICKETS CHIRPING) PEGGY: I don't think anyone's in there.
All right, Peggy.
Remember, we didn't get an answer from that one.
He's obviously a professional.
Look how he's dressed, Amber! Okay.
Uh, I'm gonna need, um, rope, t twine.
Why? Unfortunately, I have to tie you up.
Okay.
Okay, listen, I just I just want to talk to you straight, from like, one human being to another.
I will die of claustrophobia if I get tied up, so Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
- (SIGHS) - Oh, fuck.
Shit, I'm so sorry.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER POLICE RADIO) It's clear.
He's gotta be upstairs, then.
Come on.
- That's the best I can - Thank you, man.
Thanks.
Found this.
That'll work.
(GASPS) I used to really love Cinderella.
Yeah, Tom Keifer and the boys are like the perfect mix of blues and metal.
Fuck yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- I appreciate that.
- (FOOTSTEPS) Thank you, ma'am, I'm sorry to wake you.
That's the only apartment that didn't answer.
(HYPERVENTILATING) (SIGHS) - It doesn't hurt too much, does it? - No, not at all.
Nice negligee.
- Really? - Yeah.
Evan says it makes me look fat.
You have better PJs.
That's all I ever said.
I don't see how that could be.
Jesus, dude.
Thank you.
It's nice to be appreciated.
- Are you fucking kidding me, Amber? - What? Are you seriously trying to get him to fuck you right now? What? No, I just said it was nice, goddammit! And we also seem to have a lot in common! - Like what? - Uh, we both love Cinderella.
(SCOFFS) Seven years, not once have you mentioned Cinderella! What? I talk about Cinderella at least once a week, Evan! You just never fucking hear me because you're always going on about Coldplay and Foster the fucking People! Oh, you're gonna put down my musical taste now? How fucking low are you? "Pumped Up Kicks", Evan? Do you know what that song is about? Murder! You are a murderer! You are murdering my spirit! Oh, yeah? How do you think my spirit feels when you're trying to fuck this really cool, handsome guy right in front of me? - AMBER: I am not trying to fuck him! - (MUFFLED) Right in front of me! But you know what, Evan, oh my God, maybe I will! Who knows what's gonna fucking happen, right? Because I'm tied up.
I'm helpless.
I mean, anything could fucking happen, right? I mean, seriously, who fucking knows? - (EVAN'S MUFFLED YELLING) - (KNOCKING) Evergreen Police! Open the door, or we'll break it in! Fuck.
- Fuck.
- SOPHIE: (BANGING ON DOOR) Evergreen Police! (MUFFLED GRUNTS) - (EVAN LAUGHS) - AMBER: Asshole! - There he is.
- (PEACEMAKER GRUNTS) (MUSIC INTENSIFIES) (QUICK BREATHS) Whoo! - (PEACEMAKER GROANS) - (HEAVY THUD) - Fuck! - Ow.
EVAN: Oh, thank God! (GROANS, COUGHS) (CHILDREN'S PROGRAM PLAYING) Hey, hey.
(GROANING) - (GRUNTS) - (BINDLE CLATTERS) - (GASPS) - (HEAVY THUD) - Ooh! - Wow.
PEACEMAKER: (MUTTERING) Ah, fuck.
(POLICE SIRENS WAILING) God dammit.
- EVAN: Come on! This is - Where is he? - (PANTING) Jumped.
- (EVAN GROANING) My wife is a dick! You're a fucking dick! AMBER: 'Cause you don't have one! (SIRENS WAILING) Detective Song, this is Captain Miele.
- Do you copy? - SOPHIE: Copy, Captain.
I've arrived with backup.
Have you located the suspect? They're saying he jumped off the rear of the building, Captain.
You! Come with me, back of the building.
OFFICER: All right, let's go! (GRUNTS) - (HEAVY THUD) - (BONES CRACKING) God dammit! OFFICER: Go, go, go, go! Fuck.
What do we do now? - Wait here.
- Listen, I can help.
I'm stellar with weapons and combat.
- Cool your jets, Jason Bourne.
- (GUN COCKING) Just be ready to take off when we get back to the car.
Being a wheelman is also dope! I got you! (PEACEMAKER GROANS) (PANTING) (GRUNTS) - (BOOT SLIPS) - (HELMET CLANGS) (MUSIC ENDS ABRUPTLY) (GROANS) CAPTAIN MIELE: You on the roof! Stop right there! (RASPY GROAN) MIELE: Evergreen PD! Do not move! Step forward and into the light! (SIGHS) - (DART FIRES) - (GROANS) - (GROANS) - (THUDS) - Captain? - (ALL GROANING) SOPHIE: Captain Miele, do you copy? Hey.
Come on.
(INTREPID MUSIC PLAYING) - (DUMPSTER CLANGS) - PEACEMAKER: Ow, fuck! (GRUNTING) Stop, police! Stop or I'll shoot! (GUNSHOTS FIRING) (CAR ENGINE STARTS) (WHISTLES) - (GUNSHOTS) - (GLASS SHATTERS) (SCREAMS) Shit! Should I take off? No, he's not fucking here yet! (GUNSHOTS) - (GRUNTING) - (BULLETS RICOCHETING) - (BACK WINDSHIELD SHATTERS) - LEOTA: Dude! - (EAGLY SCREECHES) - (GUNSHOT) - (SCREECHING FRANTICALLY) - Shit.
- (GUNSHOTS) - Go, go! What are you waiting for? (RAPID GUNFIRE) (MUSIC CONCLUDES) That thing better not shit back there.
You can't housetrain an eagle, dude.
Not without stealing its soul.
("BORDERLINE CRAZY" BY THE CRUEL INTENTIONS PLAYING) - (EAGLY SQUAWKS) - (SHRIEKS) Whoo! Hit the switch to ignition, honey Take a ride in my mind Can't you see I love this feeling - LEOTA: Whoo, boy! (LAUGHS) - (EAGLY SQUAWKS) (ENGINE REVVING) (HIGH-ENERGY ELECTRIC GUITAR RIFF) (MUSIC CONCLUDES) (TOILET FLUSHING) You change the car registration into someone else's name? Not only that, I changed the fingerprints out to the same person, which they'll discover when they get the lab results back in a couple days.
- That's possible? - Yeah, for this guy with two thumbs it is.
That's not how that works, but good, great.
- Who'd you change it to? - Oh, Mr.
Murn, you're gonna love this.
SOPHIE: August Ransom Smith? Yeah.
What? I was wondering if you would mind answering a few questions for us.
Yeah, I mind.
More from you than him.
Why more from me? Let's just say that, uh, egg foo young ain't my thing, baby.
Walking scrotum here doesn't like egg foo young.
Got that, Fitz? I'll put it in my notes.
Where were you last night from about midnight to 2:00 a.
m.
? AUGGIE SMITH: I was right here.
And I don't gotta answer you.
- (BANGS DOOR) - LARRY: Hey.
What's your fucking problem, pal? Playing dress-up again? Oh, yeah.
You'll wish it was dress-up.
Is that a threat? No, I don't threat, I just do.
Now get the fuck off my property.
SOPHIE: Maybe you can tell us why a 1976 Ford Comet registered in your name was left at the Wild Estates Apartment Complex uptown? (SIGHS) I don't have a Comet.
That's my kid.
Your kid, as in Christopher Smith? Peacemaker? Arrest me or get the fuck out of here, chopsticks.
Yeah, well, we'll be seeing you, fork! Fork? Why not spoon? Everybody in the world uses spoons.
Yeah, but that asshole doesn't know that.
That's true.
I mean, spoon would've been more demeaning.
- Yeah.
- Makes it like a baby thing.
You know, little babies use spoons.
Okay, adults also use spoons, but I get it.
You hear anything about Peacemaker getting out of prison? No.
I mean, you'd think we would've been notified.
SOPHIE: Yeah, you'd think.
You could've chosen anyone, and you put the car registration in the name of Peacemaker's father? I had to act fast.
You were in the bathroom.
I didn't know if you were going one or two! Was I supposed to text you when I'm taking a shit? - I would've appreciated it! - I'm not gonna text you when I'm taking a shit, John! Oh, okay, fine! I guess I'll have to guess what's happening every time you go in there.
We're trying to get this man on our side, and you thought the right way to do that was to frame his father? I don't want to be insubordinate, but I kinda did some magical shit here today, and now I feel like you're angry at me.
N no, I'm not angry at you, John.
But I am starting to think you're an idiot.
(SCOFFS) Come on, man, don't use the "I" word, it's not cool.
Hey.
- What do we tell 'em? - Nothing.
We just got shot at! Like (IMITATES GUN) And whoa! Like, my adrenaline is pumpin'.
Pumping! Like glass breaking, everything.
You ever been shot at? (SIGHS) No.
(WINCES) Kidding.
- You fucker.
- You're doing great.
Hey, why are they called butterflies again? JOHN: Again? We never told you.
- Okay, Dye-beard.
- Hey, guess what? I'm done.
Dude, it's not finished.
I'm not gonna do this if you keep calling me that name.
- What name? - That fake name.
You saying I'm fake news? No, I'm saying you're a fuckin' asshole.
I'd rather be with Harley Quinn than you, I'd rather be with the Weasel than you.
The only thing fake news around here is the beard.
I'd rather be with fuckin' Bat-Mite than you.
Who's Bat-Mite? He's a two-foot-tall interdimensional imp who stans Batman.
I'd rather be with him.
- Is that a real guy? - Yeah.
- Let's finish.
- Fuck is the world coming to? From the beginning, I've kept this operation completely off the books.
So how did this - What's the dead woman's name? - Annie Sturphausen.
How did this Annie Sturphausen know about Peacemaker? Maybe someone's feeding the butterflies information.
- Who? - Waller.
- It's not her.
- (HARCOURT SCOFFS) MURN: I don't think it's Waller, either.
You don't know her like I do.
I saw Waller knowingly sacrifice troops, including a colonel in the United States Army, to meet her objective.
We could simply be a decoy team from whomever else she's really entrusted - with taking down the butterflies.
- Still no reason to give us up.
Well, the four of us and Waller are the only ones who knew about it.
You're the one who brought the butterflies to our attention, so it can't be you.
And it's not me, I just put my ass on the line to save Muscle Man Weekly.
And it's not Muscle Man Weekly, because he's the one who almost got killed.
So, if it's not Waller and it's not us, - maybe it's her.
- Me? Does anyone here know how she ended up on this mission? I got skills.
I got my Binks-Fendelmire Strategic Combat Certification at the age of 14.
Binks-Fendelmire is kindergarten shit.
What about since then? What are your actual qualifications? And how do I know that you're not one of them? PEACEMAKER: It's not her.
I trust her the most because Eagly liked her.
He tried to bite me.
Yeah, but not as hard as he tries to bite everybody else.
It's obviously, uh (CLEARS THROAT) Elmo.
Economos.
Fuck you.
Why do all of you have such weird last names? - John didn't do it.
- Thank you.
- He's too big of a pussy to betray us.
- All right.
Not on purpose, but okay, follow me.
So he's, you know, hanging out, having some fun, maybe doing some fentanyl with a prostitute - Oh, God.
- in the back of a hillbilly strip club.
He's fallen in love, 'cause it's obviously the first time he's put his balls in somebody's mouth, and he starts getting loose lips! You know, just showing off.
(MOCKING JOHN) "I'm on a team with the famous Peacemaker, and we're taking down the notorious butterflies.
My beard's real".
Are you fucking stupid? Sounds more plausible than I wish it did.
What? I don't even like when my balls are in somebody's mouth, okay? It gives me the wrong type of chills.
And all I can think about is how long it's been since I've gotten checked for testicular cancer.
Too long! You are so fucked up, it's adorable, Dye-beard.
Don't call me that! PEACEMAKER: Okay, fuck! Come on, bro.
What the fuck? MURN: I don't think it's any of us.
Well, then why did Sturphausen try to kill Peacemaker? Maybe she brought him back to her apartment for the purpose he thought she did.
But why would she decide after they hooked up that she needed to kill him? - Oh, shit.
- MURN: What? (TOILET FLUSHES) (SNIFFLES) (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) I gotta brush my teeth.
Cool.
You left the dossier of the person you're supposed to contract kill for the government in the apartment of some rando who blew you? She's not some rando who blew me, man.
We fully fucked.
I thought it'd be safer on me than in the car unattended.
What was I supposed to do? (SCOFFS) - Drop it off at home first? - Yes! You don't understand what we're up against here, Smith.
The fate of the country depends on this mission! And nobody told me that! Nobody's even told me what a fucking butterfly is! (CELL PHONE VIBRATING) Murn.
Yes.
- (PEACEMAKER SIGHS) - MURN: Uh-huh.
You don't think that chick left any monster STDs on my dick, do you? MURN: Come again? Wait, is being a butterfly like a venereal disease of some type? Fuck, am I gonna become one? Am I a fucking dick vampire now? When were you gonna tell us there were witnesses? I did kidnap a couple for a minute.
Evan and Amber Calcaterra.
Can you take care of 'em? You want me to "take care of 'em" like - (IMITATES GUN) - No, just just convince them not to finger Peacemaker.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) More like, um I have no clue what that is.
Why are we playing charades? (WHISPERING) 'Cause I don't want to say it out loud.
I still don't know what that is.
- Leota.
- (SIGHS) Bribery? Yes, please.
Go do it.
Now.
I need Harcourt and Economos here.
Otherwise, I'd send them.
Be straight with me, man.
I'm a dick vampire, aren't I? No, you're not a dick vampire, you're just a dick.
- (SUBDUED MUSIC PLAYING) - (INDISTINCT CHATTER) NEIGHBOR 1: If you keep your mouth shut, I can tell you! NEIGHBOR 2: Shut up! (DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE) ("DON'T TREAT ME BAD" BY FIREHOUSE PLAYING) Oh, I never thought you'd hurt me I guess you live and learn That when you're playin' with fire You're bound to get burned (SOBS) (SOBS, MUMBLES) (SOBS) (SCREAMS) (SCREAMING) (SOBS) Everybody fucking hates you! (SNIFFLES) And Dye-beard could be your friend, but you pushed him away like you push everybody away, 'cause you're a fucking dick.
You killed Rick Flag.
(SOBS) Flag was right.
(SNIFFLES) Peacemaker (COUGHS) what a joke.
- VIGILANTE: Buddy? - What the fuck? Hey! What the fuck are you doing, you fucking stalker? - VIGILANTE: Dude, are you all right? - Fuck, dude.
I I What are you doing? Are you looking at me and jerking off right now? Is your dick out? VIGILANTE: What? No! No, man, look.
I'm not gonna fucking look, oldest trick in the book.
I look and you're fucking rock-hard, and you throw jizz at my face.
No fucking way! VIGILANTE: What? No, dude, my dick is not out.
Is that what you get off on, me seeing your fucking dick? VIGILANTE: No! Who the fuck said that? Louis C.
K.
piece of shit! VIGILANTE: Louis C.
K.
said that? I'll fucking kill that guy! No, he didn't say it.
You, you're like Louis C.
K.
- VIGILANTE: Because I'm funny? - Fucking funny, dude? No.
(HESITATES) You you show people your dick.
VIGILANTE: What does that have to do with Louis C.
K.
's comedy specials? I didn't say shit about his comedy specials.
What the fuck, man? Louis C.
K.
, how he showed people his dick, he, himself.
VIGILANTE: Because he's a ginger? A fucking What? VIGILANTE: Well, I don't fucking know! I'm just trying to figure out the connection.
Dude, Louis C.
K.
showed people his dick, all right? VIGILANTE: He did? Jesus, man! Do you read the news? VIGILANTE: (SCOFFS) No.
What for? It's depressing.
Look, hey, I'm begging you.
Will you please, please just look at my crotch.
Come on.
(EXHALES) VIGILANTE: See? Can you see that? (SIGHS) Why the fuck don't you use the front door like a normal person? VIGILANTE: Well, I saw a light on in here, and I thought someone was creeping around.
I'm really happy you're back.
- (SIGHS) - VIGILANTE: Why are you crying? I'm not crying.
I'm fucking doing face muscle exercises.
I'm exercising the muscles in my face, making my face more muscular.
I can tell (SCOFFS) under your mask, your face is skinny as shit.
You don't do these exercises for your face.
Some of them look like crying.
They're not crying.
VIGILANTE: Well, can you maybe teach 'em to me? (SCOFFS) Yes.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Calcaterra, I'm gonna ask you some questions.
And yes, this is a real badge.
- (DOOR OPENING) - Fuck.
Evan, I can open the door myself.
I'm being a gentleman, you fuckin' asshole.
AMBER: Dick.
- Hey, Mr.
and Mrs.
Calcaterra.
- Yeah? LEOTA: Uh, I was just wondering if you would, um, answer a few questions for me.
We're on the way to, uh, the station now to look at mugshots.
Yeah, well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.
Firstly, I'm wondering whether you saw the guy in your apartment that you think you saw, or did you maybe see another guy that you actually didn't see but you think you did? And secondly, I'm wondering if you've ever had an all-expenses-paid trip to the beautiful Lake Tahoe, Nevada? Are you trying to fucking bribe us? No.
Oh.
I was hoping you were trying to bribe us.
Yeah, yeah, I'm trying to bribe you.
PEACEMAKER: When I was arrested, the cops turned this place upside down for evidence.
VIGILANTE: You need some help cleaning up? (SIGHS) I guess.
(GROANS) VIGILANTE: So, how did you get out anyway? I thought you were in prison for life.
- It's a secret.
- VIGILANTE: Dude, I'm your best friend.
No, you're not.
VIGILANTE: Well, who's your best friend then? Someone you met in prison.
I knew it.
Dude, it's Eagly, obviously.
VIGILANTE: Okay, of all people, who's your best friend? (SCOFFS) I don't even know your secret identity.
VIGILANTE: Yeah, I don't tell you my real identity for your sake.
I don't want to put a target on you.
People will try to use you to get to me.
Hey, where does this go? PEACEMAKER: With the other tapes.
You think people are gonna torture me to get your secret identity? VIGILANTE: I am extra special careful in all my heroic endeavors, which is probably the reason why, and I don't mean to be a prick, you went to prison and I didn't.
- Where's this go? - The CD rack, dude.
VIGILANTE: See, when they put my mugshot up in the post office, it's just gonna be a circle with a red visor.
And they're gonna have to figure out what my head looks like based on the shape.
And I know I have a bony face, 'cause I don't do face muscle exercises, but that doesn't cut down very much on the suspects.
Hmm.
(LAUGHS) Hey! Holy shit, look at that.
It's a funny smiley man.
"Hey, do you want to come over and play?" (LAUGHS) Man, that's adorable.
Hey, how'd you get out anyway? I work for the government, okay? VIGILANTE: Post office? You think they'd fucking let me out of prison to deliver mail? VIGILANTE: I don't know, it was the first government job I could think of.
Dude.
I kill people for 'em, okay? I did it down in Corto Maltese, and now I gotta do it here in Evergreen.
That's why I'm out, in exchange for that.
Fuck.
VIGILANTE: Oh, that's sick.
I I used to think God put me here for a purpose.
For peace.
And I always said I didn't care how many people I needed to torture or kill to get it, but You know, lately, I just think I'm a fuckin' maniac, like I don't know, I'm having feelings about things that VIGILANTE: Okay.
(HEARTFELT MUSIC PLAYING) (SIGHS) Do you think I feel good when, after some dude does some atrocious act, that I have to kill them? - I don't know.
- VIGILANTE: When I find out someone murdered an innocent person, or sold somebody heroin, or did some graffiti, and I kill that person with my bare hands, their eyeballs popping out of their skulls, you think that gives me pleasure? (SIGHS) No.
VIGILANTE: Well, it does.
(LAUGHS) It gives you pleasure too, Peacemaker.
That's 'cause we're born killers.
What separates us from other killers is we only kill bad people.
Usually.
Unless there's a mistake.
Now, do I sound like a fucking maniac? Hey.
What do you say we celebrate you - getting out of prison? - PEACEMAKER: No.
I have to study the dossier of the senator I gotta kill.
VIGILANTE: I've been saving up appliances ever since you were arrested.
("DRAG ME DOWN" METAL COVER VERSION PLAYING) I've got fire for a heart I'm not scared of the dark You've never seen it look so easy I got a river for a soul and baby, you're a boat - Baby, you're my only reason - (BOWSTRINGS STRETCH) If I didn't have you there would be nothing left A shell of a man who could never be his best If I didn't have you I'd never see the sun You taught me how to be someone, yeah (LAUGHTER, SCREAMS) When no one else was ever behind me All these lights they can't blind me (LAUGHS) All my life you stood by me When no one else was ever behind me All these lights they can't blind me With your love nobody can drag me down - (LAUGHING, CHEERING) - Fuck yeah! (GIGGLES) All my life you stood by me (VIGILANTE SCREAMING) - (LAUGHS) - Nobody can drag me down (GRUNTS) - (VIGILANTE LAUGHS) - Nobody can drag me down - (LAUGHS) - Yeah, nobody, nobody VIGILANTE: Yeah! - Nobody can drag me down - PEACEMAKER: Fuck yeah! (MUSIC ENDS) It's definitely this guy.
It's this guy.
- Are you sure? - Are you sure? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- (DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE) - (CHILD SHOUTING IN DISTANCE) Jesus Christ, you again? - SOPHIE: August Smith, you are under arrest - AUGGIE: Oh, shit! for the murder of Annie Sturphausen.
- (HANDCUFFS CLICKING) - I don't even know who the fuck that is! Get the fuck off me! ("BOOTS ON ROCKS OFF" BY DUST BOWL JOKIES PLAYING) Fuck you! (CHUCKLES) - AUGGIE: And go fuck yourself, old man! - (LAUGHS) You're ready to crash and burn Sold your karma for some moolah Pretty ugly and pretty young I smelled your hookah and found your lingerie (BARKING) Keeya? You know that I'm gonna be working some weird hours.
And I was thinking maybe you and the fur kids Well, you know? N no, I don't know.
(SIGHS) Boots on rocks off - It's not that big of a deal.
- Are you fucking kidding me? You drag me out here, then you want me to leave? (MUSIC CONTINUES) You always work for a one-night stand Let me borrow (COUGHS) Amber? (INHALES, EXHALES) VIGILANTE: No.
I can't believe they legalized that shit.
More for me.
VIGILANTE: Three years ago, I would've shot both of you - in the face for that.
- (CHUCKLES) (DEVICE VIBRATING) Barrel is smoking rattle and rolling Barrel is smoking rattle and rolling (DEVICE HUMMING, MECHANISM CLICKING) - What the fuck? - VIGILANTE: Dude.
Holy fuck.
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) (DOOR BUZZES) - You're good.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Don't play that crap.
Don't do it.
You gotta burn that card before the river.
PRISONER: Dude, how many times I gotta teach you how to play this fucking game? - Read 'em and weep.
- PRISONER: Dude, seriously.
You're pissing me off.
Holy shit.
Look who it is.
(SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING) That's my spot between five and seven during winter.
(SCOFFS) What the fuck you talking about, old-timer? During the sunset, that light there comes in through that window, and I like the feel of it on my skin.
So fucking move.
(SCOFFS) Yeah? And if I don't? Guess.
Fuck it.
Fuck that shit.
I ain't dying for this seat.
(CHUCKLES) (EXHALES) I thought we sent capes over to Arkham or Belle Reve.
GUARD: The system's overcrowded.
He'll have to stay here through his trial.
(BELLOWING) All hail the White Dragon! PRISONERS: (CHANTING) Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail! ("PUMPED UP KICKS" METAL COVER VERSION PLAYING) Robert's got a quick hand He'll look around the room he won't tell you his plan He's got a rolled cigarette Hanging out his mouth he's a cowboy kid Yeah, he found a six-shooter gun In his dad's closet oh, in a box of fun things And I don't even know what But he's coming for you yeah, he's coming for you All the other kids with the pumped up kicks You better run, better run outrun my gun All the other kids with the pumped up kicks You better run, better run faster than my bullet (VOCALIZING) SINGER: You like that, Evan? All the other kids with the pumped up kicks You better run, better run outrun my gun All the other kids with the pumped up kicks You better run, better run faster than my bullet It's definitely not the hot guy.
- Aw, fuck you, Amber! - Oh, eat me, Evan! (GRUNTS) - This guy.
- Okay.
- Can I keep this one? - Sure.