PhoneShop (2009) s01e02 Episode Script

This girl is beautiful.
I mean proper beauty.
My girl can work scratch that, supervise any make-up counter.
Clinique, Clarins She can go up West End and do Mac, Bobbi Brown Fuck it Space NK.
There, I said it, what? And you're getting rid of that, bruv? That's insane.
Bruv, she's insane.
The girl's mental, she's driving me mad.
Come on now, we've all been in that place, yeah? Mad in the head equals bad in the bed, yeah? I linked this girl Becky, yeah, French Connecky Becky.
I linked her for about three months, yeah? And boy, she was like, 'nother level.
But she was proper loops.
Why, what did she do? Shat in the window display.
Got sectioned, innit? What? Yeah, bruv, the Christmas shitter, parked her little one in the crib, they had to do a overnight re-dress.
All I'm saying is, the darker the berry, the sweeter the juice.
You can put up with all manner of madnesses if you're getting your tings, innit? Bruv, I ain't even getting that.
What? You ain't getting your tings? OK Sunday night, we're in her bedroom, I'm about to introduce her to Jerwayne Jnr Esquire.
She's like, "I really want to, but you have to ask permission first.
" OK, so, you've got to ask permission first, that's like a legal thing, innit? You've got to do that nowadays, like a sexual pre-nup.
Nah-nah-nah.
Not her permission.
OK, who have you got to ask? Mr Wise.
I have to ask Mr Wise.
Who the fuck's Mr Wise? Tell me it ain't her dad with a camcorder in the wardrobe.
Bruv, Mr Wise is a nasty, evil fuckin' owl tattooed large on the girl's back.
A owl? A owl.
A owl? A owl! On her back.
A owl.
Ashley! Lads! Jerwayne! Wait, lads.
What are you doing? News never run, bruv, never run.
We don't run on this high street.
We run this high street, yeah? What? Yeah, man, only run on track, d'you get me? Yeah, or from Babylon, innit? One, why are you running from Babylon, what have you got to hide? Yeah, we're on a legal money ting round here, yeah? Two, never run from Babylon.
Done, no.
Three, never, ever use the word Babylon.
And four, what's that fuckin' smell, bruv? Yeah, what is that? Smells like sour milk.
Yeah, it is sour milk.
Oh, bruv, put that away! I was in Costa's and a girl, a really pretty girl, spilt her coffee on me, accidentally.
And we got talking, and we're going on a date this lunchtime.
You've got a date, New Man? Safe! Yeah, New Man got a date.
Well done, Newms.
Is she high street? Oh, yeah.
And she's Agh! What, special needs? No, not No.
Fit, like Like you do it.
Oh Uuuugh Yeah.
Agh.
No.
Uuuuuugh.
Aaaagh.
No.
Uuuuuuugh.
Nnnn OK, we'll masterclass that still, yeah.
Listen, couple of matters of protocol we'd better go through with you before we let you represent, innit? She ain't mentioned no owls, has she? No Lance! Yo, Lance! You're probably thinking, "Why has Janine called this informal mini pre-work conference?" And it's a good question.
The answer's deceptively simple.
Dreamt about Gary again last night.
Been inside a month now.
28 days.
28 days and a breakfast, if he's managed a breakfast.
Dangerous places, prisons.
40 weeks' work.
My road map to the future of PhoneShop Sutton.
He's either king of the wing or he's been passed around like a bag of toffees.
Skip the introduction.
Page 12 the proactive implementation of a dynamic restructuring of our client reception.
Look at that.
That was his first day.
Stabbed me in the leg with a fountain pen after that.
Can I at least read out from my list of managerial attributes, please? The point is, Janine, he worked hard, he played hard.
He bossed that shop floor like nobody else.
There was nothing going on I didn't know about.
You didn't know he was in the BNP.
Was he? No Well, that's one thing I didn't know about him.
No, the important thing is, he made things happen, Janine, and there's not many people around that can do that nowadays.
I can do it, Lance.
I am so primed, I am ready.
He'd get out there, and he'd go, "Oi this is my fucking shop floor!" Oi! Mario! Where's my fucking wheatgrass?! Apparently that wasn't Mario.
I've never been thrown out of anywhere at breakfast before.
You can have my emergency Yakult.
I want a lovely cup of tea.
As if I haven't got enough to deal with, this just pinged into my inbox.
It's all right, you can read it, it's not classified.
Er Out loud.
"Dear Lace" That's a typo.
"Dear Lance, please advise re your attendance at Ras Prince's Managing The Middle Managers' Mindset workshop on the 25th between two and five at the Purley store.
Best regards, Kim.
" No, no, no.
Look, "Best regards, Kim," two kisses.
On an e-mail to me.
Sutton, we have a problem.
Do we? What's the problem? Let's have a look, shall we, Chris? Here's an e-mail from a girl to me signed off with not just one but two kisses.
Never even met her.
What's that all about? Oh, no, that's normal.
People just sign off e-mails with kisses, it's what you do.
No, you don't.
Yes, you do.
No, you don't.
Christopher I've been married to Shelley for 16 years I don't put a kiss on her birthday cards.
Once, when I thought she had cancer.
Oh, God.
Sorry, was she OK? Yeah, she was lying.
Now, in a professional capacity, I have to reply to this.
And we have to remember, there's a young lady's feelings at stake here, I don't want to lead her on.
How many kisses should I reply with? Well, you don't have to put any kisses if you don't want to.
That's just rude.
Just one? Is that cold or? Enigmatic? I don't know.
If it was me, and they'd put one, then I'd reply with two.
And if they'd put two, then Three.
Three.
That was four.
Status update as at 10:46.
This is me being your eyes and ears on the floor, Lance.
Oh, er, can you spell sexy with three Xs? You can if you're feeling playful.
Yeah.
Oh! Carrying on Ashley is cooking with gas, and Jerwayne is on a steady simmer, and I am like a great head chef.
Dynamic with a keen eye for hygiene.
And Christopher is No, I ran out of kitchen similes.
He's doing pretty shitty, bless him.
But he's got a date at lunchtime, so he's probably just thinking about that.
Christopher's got a date?! Oh, that's all I bloody need.
He can't play that game, he's not cut out for it.
Ashley and Jerwayne can do that girl stuff all day and still bang in the numbers, but Christopher Where are they going for lunch? I can find out.
What, you don't know? Eyes, ears didn't pick that up? Oh, well done, Janine.
Leave it to me, Lance.
Listen, bruv, you've got to fix up right for your elegant lady Amanda, yeah? See me, yeah? I ain't going to take her to no McDonald's, no Burger King, no like shitty kebab shop, yeah? I'm going to show her she's with a guy who's got a bit of style.
Call me Panache-ly, yeah? Where am I going to take her? Nando's.
What? How old are you, bruv? Come on.
Zizzi.
Surprise her, flip the script, yeah? She ain't never going to expect that, not a Tuesday lunchtime! Fix up a nice table for two with a view of the wood-burning oven.
How rustic, how delightful.
Maybe I'll have a glass of house red.
Pollo con pesto for the lady? Spicy sausage for the man! If she wants a dessert, she's going to have to pay for that herself cos you ain't no mug.
Yeah, I've been generous enough as it is.
Sshh! Don't speak.
All you got to do circa one hour is ecouter.
So, what's she talking about? Matt Damon, yeah? "Oh, love Matt Damon, I saw that Bourne Ultimatum on Sky the other day, it's really good.
Not as good as Talented Mr Ripley, and I really like Jude Law, too.
" Occasionally you're going to throw in something like this: "D'you know what? I like Jude Law.
" Game's yours, New Man why? I dunno.
Cos no man likes Jude Law.
No man likes Jude Law.
But the girls like Jude Law.
Metrosexuality, liking Jude Law, that's all it is, bruv.
So she's talking away, talking away.
Occasionally throw in a couple of these Sad little look down there, brave a little smile, pop it back up, yeah? So Yeah? You try it.
Think about something sad.
Yeah? Go I'll be the girl, yeah? "So I watched that Bourne Ultimatum on Sky the other day and" Oooh.
Bruv, that's too sad.
You look like your dog's just died.
OK, let me frame this up for you your dog is sick.
Like, he's old, he's shat up the carpet again.
That's the level go.
"So, I saw that Bourne Ultimatum on Sky the other night" Now you look like you've shit yourself.
What? That was better than the first one.
No, bruv Listen, you're doing too much, yeah? Like, you be the girl, yeah? OK.
"Oh, I watched that Talented Mr Ripley last night, it's a fantastic film, and Jude Law's just magnificent in it" Yeah? You see how you was just drawn in, there? Yeah, that's good.
You see what I capped the sad look off with, yeah? A brave little smile, yeah? What were you thinking when you saw that brave little smile? Well, I was looking at him, thinking, "Oh, what's happened in this chap's life that's made him so sad?" Exactly, and that's what she's thinking, bruv.
Why is this brave man so sad? Like, there's something going on there, but he's dealing with it like a man.
She's intrigued.
But lunchtime is over, New Man.
She's got to go back to her shift.
She's never met such a brave, sensitive man like you before.
And she wants to see you again.
Tonight.
She's going to lean in for a goodbye kiss at this point, yeah? Go on, lean in for the kiss.
"D'you know what?" "I can't do this right now.
" Maybe do that, yeah, with your hands? Like, spirituality, yeah? "Sorry, but I can't do this right now.
" Maybe follow up with some of that? Strength and power, yeah? "D'you know what, I can't do this right now.
I've got a few things going on in my life.
" "Can I like attend to them and then, like, get back to you? "And we could see about tonight? "How would that be for you?" Yeah, that'd be great.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Wait, wait! You want a date with him, New Man? No, I don't! I ain't free tonight! Oh! That's like some Derren Brown shit! Bruv, that is just standard, trust me.
You do all that stuff correctly, and when you link her that evening, next thing you know Das ist gut? Das ist gut, ja? Das ist gut, ist liebe! Oh! Oh! High fives.
OK! Agh! Eiffel Tower OK! Terrorist attack! Ah! Ah! I'm going to go early lunch, like.
Erm Yeah.
Mmm.
You're not saying much.
I'm just listening to you.
But I'm not really saying much either.
Do you like Jude Law? Not really.
Talented Mr Ripley was a very elegant film, though, wasn't it? Do you think so? No.
Jude Law.
What kind of a man is that? Man a wasteman, innit? Listen I can't do this right now.
You can't do what? I I got to go toilet, do you want anything from the toilet? Say you had an email from someone you didn't know at another store and they put a kiss or two at the end of it.
What would that suggest to you? That whoever sent it's a fucking idiot.
I don't know you, so why you kissing me up on a email? What, I got to kiss you back now? What's the next step? We're going to hang out, eat Doritos, go tenpin bowling, have a fucking Jamie Oliver barbecue up the common with the gang? Eff that shit, Lance.
That's one way of looking at it.
You replied, innit? How many? Five.
Hoo hoo hoo! No, no, no, no.
Course not! Three? You're openin' the door to all manner of madnesses.
Trust me.
No, I'm not.
I'm opening the door to all manner of funs! What's funs? Lance got a new girl on the electronic, innit? You? Seriously? Who? Just someone from the Purley shop.
I don't do the Purley-girly.
Oh.
It's like a personal ting to me.
But I'll be truthful with you.
I met some proper hot girls on the work email, boy.
Starts with a kiss.
Send a couple back.
Drop in a smiley or two, couple of JPEGs, maybe a QuickTime Mmmm! Next ting, Jerwayne's cracking open the spare toothbrush.
I'll be doing sex stuff.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, got that.
The toothbrush.
You have mail! Apparently I have mail.
Let's see what you're working with.
No! Lance! Come on.
Absolutely.
I'm here if you need any help, OK? Fucking wine-taster.
I've done it, bruv.
Finished it.
Oh, you got rid of Owl Girl? Nice! I can't tell you how much better I feel.
It's like I got rid of Beauty and the Beast in one go.
How she take it? Better than Lisa Blaze.
Who's Lisa Blaze? Come on, man.
You know Lisa Blaze.
Girl who set fire to my cousin's weave on her wedding day.
OK.
Anyway, what's Owl Girl saying? She was like I was like, "Yeah?" She was like I was like, "Yo!" She was like, "OK.
" Done is done.
She's cool.
Hey, what go on, bruva? Yeah.
Nah! Naaah! Fuck! All right, bruv, bless.
It was Rahim from Zizzi.
New Man's wasting it.
Can't be High Street! There's no way this girl can be High Street! She's proper High Street.
She's Waterstones! Whoa, back the fuck up! You never said she was Waterstones! You never asked! You said she was Costa! I said I met her in Costa! This will never work with a Waterstones girl.
Fuck! Your shit just got real, son.
Listen, for future reference, Newbs, this methodology will not work with any girls out of Waterstones, Citizens Advice Bureau, none of the biblical bookshops, Millets, for some reason I still can't figure out, and you only got 50-50 with girls out of Habitat it's a complex aspirational demographic, sometimes they just see straight through it.
This is some off-road shit, bruv.
You just crashed into a cow, air bag deployed, boom! You effed up! But I'm going to fix this up for you cos I like you.
What she look like? I'm going to sort this out for you.
I don't want you going out there, you've cocked it up enough as it is! Who cocked this up? Both of you cocked it up, with the and that.
She didn't like that! Yo, yo, yo Sometimes it's going to roll like this, yeah? Look at me, look at me.
Look in my eyes.
My eyes.
This is the life of a player.
I got some dry-cleaning that needs picking up.
I'll buy you a McFlurry on the way.
I don't want a McFlurry! OK.
Diddy Donuts.
Not Diddy Donuts! I'm going to go out there and talk to her like a rational human being, using words, and I'm going to fix this.
New Man.
Still a new man.
Don't suppose you know Kim from the Purley shop, do you? Purley-shop Kim? Yeah.
Probably known as flirty Kim, I'd imagine.
Dirty Kim, more like! Really? Yeah.
The old gobbler.
That is one very naughty boy.
Kim's a him? Him's a Kim.
Why? Nothing.
Fuck! I'm really sorry.
I'm How can I explain? Please, sit.
Didn't want olives Look, you must have thought I was being really weird earlier, but I took some really bad advice from someone I shouldn't and I was pretending to be someone I'm not, if that makes any kind of sense.
It is a bit weird.
I know, I know.
I don't know why I did it.
You seemed really odd, just like so different from this morning.
I know, I'm sorry.
But I promise you, this is the real me! Promise? Promise.
It won't happen again.
I'm me.
I'm Christopher.
It's all right, I'm not a mental.
Good, cos I am! What would little Gary do? What would little Gary do? Little Gary, what would you do? So, like I said, I don't want to be playing you or nothing, cos even though we just met, yeah, I can see that you're a very special lady, you know.
And unfortunately, my situation is quite complex right now.
Figured out what you mean, Lance! I feel so sorry for you.
Seems like you're in such a lonely place right now.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
That's very kind of you.
You know what? It's good to know that in this, like, dark world that we're in, still some people walking around who got the light in them, you know? Do you know what I call them? The special people.
I'll call you later and we'll see how you're fixed for Crazy Tuesday up at the Orchard Rooms.
Half-price admissions for ladies wearing bikini.
Just so you know.
So wax your legs, innit? And don't forget your upgraded handset plus companion Bluetooth headset.
Yeah, thank you.
You'll call me later, right? Course I will.
You fucking better.
I turned out Big Momma was actually Martin Lawrence in a fat-suit, but I hadn't seen the beginning, so I couldn't work it out! That was him? Yeah, it was him! Oh, well, this is very nice, isn't it? Hello, Janine.
Amanda, this is Janine, who I work with.
Hi.
Did you enjoy your pollo con pesto? Um yeah.
Oh, you can't help yourself, can you? If you don't want to be with me What? Why don't you take this back? The engagement's off! What? Engagement? How? See that? 36, Cash Converters.
He's a skinflint as well.
What are you doing? You paying for your own dessert? Yeah, only cos the lads said What's going on?! Christopher? Calling himself Christopher now, is he? That's my name! Oh, that's lovely! We've had, let's see, um, Lee Barnet, Stevie B The Gooseman, Gibbo, Frenchy.
You're just making names up! Danny Chips.
Did he tell you that I'm pregnant for him? What? I've got a bellyful of arms and legs off that one.
There's kids here! This isn't good for me.
This really isn't good for me.
Have you got low self-esteem? Cos he loves that, don't you? I don't! No! You sick shit.
What are you doing? Please Bye! Why have you done that? I'm trying to help you.
How is that helpful? No, don't be in a mood.
Christopher Sorry.
Lance, I need you to sign these off for me, please.
What's the matter with you? Oh, you can't agree on a date for your civil ceremony with Kim? Excuse me, that was possibly too dry! I've been dumped.
He's finished with me.
Said I was too keen.
It's all good Lance, you're outta that.
That could have been very embarrassing for you.
Think about it.
It's the rejection, Jerwayne.
Strung me along, then dumped me like a bag of hot shit.
If he wants to play games like that, he's in for a surprise, because no-one but no-one fucks me around! Leave it, Lance, yeah? Yeah, you're probably right.
I'm just going to go for a walk.
I need you to sign these off.
I'll do it in a minute.
Need a bit of closure.
It was for the greater good, Christopher.
You can't handle all that stuff.
You only have so much energy.
The Orientals call it chi, and it's important that you channel all that energy into your work.
I haven't been fully intimate with anyone since September 2007.
My choice.
No physical contact whatsoever.
I always demand that my change be placed on the countertop, never the palm, because it takes from you.
It'll all be worth it in the end.
Come on.
Oh That's going to set me back a couple of weeks.
It's all kicked off.
Someone's gone mad in Waterstones, shat in the window display and run off.
Shit and run? Yeah.
Oh, hi! It's French Connecky Becky! No it isn't, that's Lisa.
Lisa Blaze! No, it isn't.
That's Amanda.
My Amanda! Enjoy it, Christopher! Pollo con pesto back in your face! Ooh! Hi, Jerwayne.
Oooh, how's your cousin's hair? Did it grow back? Oh, good! Oooh Christopher Ugh Use the old squeegee.
Get off me! Get off my arse!