Pie In The Sky (1994) s01e02 Episode Script
The Truth Will Out
1 S01xE02 "The Truth Will Out" March 20, 1994 Ah, Margaret, there you are.
Just in time.
Hi, Margaret The electrician hasn´t turned up again and you know, Debbie was going to give me a hand with the waitressing, but she´s got a job.
Sensible girl.
Now, come on, you two, have some of this.
Here we are.
Broccoli cheese soufflé.
Oh, I´m sorry, Henry, I had a sandwich on the road.
I´ll have some later.
Have some lat Margaret, it´s a soufflé.
You don´t have it later, it´s now or never.
You´ve got to seize the fleeting moment before it´s gone, never to return.
Henry, did you hear what Linda said about the new waitress? Not enough seasoning.
And what about the electrician? I´m looking for the owner Mr.
Crabbe.
Yes, that´s me.
Yes, I like it.
I like it.
Congratulations, Mr.
Crabbe.
I´m impressed.
Jasper Snape.
Cuisine Tech Ltd.
Specialists in food restauration equipment.
Specialists in what? Seeing is believing, Mr.
Crabbe.
I´ll firstly point out the Baker´s Chum.
Injects pressurized steam into croissants, rolls, baps, and burger buns.
The nozzle here is inserted into the food item, leaving an almost invisible incision.
Once revived, the item can be presented to the customer with complete confidence.
Am I to understand that you´re trying to sell me a device that injects steam into stale rolls? What a marvelous idea.
And you see, we don´t accept the concept of staleness, Mr.
Crabbe.
We prefer to talk about "food fatigue.
" Listen, pal, you´ve come to the wrong place.
Out.
And here´s Mr.
Cheesy, the cheese reviver.
"Mr.
Cheesy"? Good God, man, have you gone insane? Out! - All right, steady on.
- Out! Keep your hair on.
Steve, try to restrain him.
Out! Out! Chef! Good afternoon, sir.
Constable.
Crabbe, a word.
I want you to meet Chief Superintendent Barry Simmonds.
This is Crabbe? I want you to find a policeman for me.
What? Chief Superintendent Simmonds runs the Regional Crime Squad based at Beddingley.
- A DC there has gone missing.
- Barry.
Thank you, sir.
Detective Constable Kenneth Shipley.
I´ve known him for years.
In fact, we started out in the job together.
The thing is, Ken´s had a few problems of late.
He´s been under serious stress and I´m worried he´s finally cracked.
Now, the guy´s a friend, I want to see if I can help him before he does himself some serious damage.
What am I supposed to do? Find him, talk to him, tell him to report back on duty, and I´ll do everything I can to sort things out for him.
Mr.
Fisher tells me you´re good in delicate situations of this nature.
Would you excuse me just one moment, sir? Sir, could I just have a word here, in private thank you.
What´s the problem, Crabbe? You don´t expect me to drop everything just like that because some wayward copper´s done a bunk? That´s exactly what I expect you to do.
Shipley´s seriously unstable.
God knows what mischief he´ll stir up.
He´s a fellow officer, Crabbe, we owe it to him to sort this thing out as quietly as possible.
Yes, but I´m supposed to open the restaurant Saturday night.
I shouldn´t have to remind you you´re still in deep trouble over the Hooperman business.
People want your hide for that, Crabbe.
If I don´t get your cooperation, I might let them have it.
Am I looking at next week´s coq au vin? Certainly not those are laying hens.
The skin is the most fattening part of a chicken, you know? I never eat the skin.
Really? I´m quite partial to skin myself.
I know what´s good for me, Crabbe.
I hope you do.
Cambridge will brief you when she picks you up tomorrow morning.
Well, I finally caught up with my paperwork.
Why are you hanging about in the dark? Because the lights don´t work.
Well, you know why that is.
Because the electrician didn´t come today, I know.
Here, try some of this.
Moulin à vent.
It´s rather good.
Then you´ll have to chase him up, Henry.
And you´re going to have to find someone to help Linda one waitress isn´t enough.
You´ve only got ´til Saturday to do it.
It´s all right.
I´m postponing the opening.
So there´s no need to panic.
What? It´s Fisher, he´s got a job for me.
Well, you can´t postpone it.
I´ve spoken to one of my clients about the restaurant.
You know Jack Hastings, he owned the garage? Well, he´s booked a table for six, 7:30 Saturday, so there.
Margaret, what have you done? You can´t put it off forever, Henry.
Money has got to start coming in as well as going out.
But a table for six? Good God.
Six?! Where are we going to put them Or there? I mean, let´s see let´s say they have a set meal at, what, £16 a head.
What about here, in the middle of things? But then what if nobody else comes? Here they´ll be, marooned.
There´ll be aperitifs, there´ll be house wine.
It´ll be like dinner on the Marie Celeste.
Henry, it´ll be 130 quid, minimum.
It is a start.
What´s the matter? Well, it´s just sunk in complete strangers are going to come here and eat my food.
I know.
Extraordinary, isn´t it? Do you think I could have some soda water in this? 48, 49, 50.
There, now.
Don´t forget I want those fittings for the ceilings, all right? I want those for the walls, and I want a couple of those for behind the bar.
No problem.
And you will do it today? Oh, absolutely.
I mean, I know things have been a bit rough, but I´m on this job 100%.
That´s good news because we´re open on Saturday.
Oh, absolutely.
No worries.
Higgins.
Thanks.
Seems that DC Shipley´s fallen in with this documentary filmmaker called Giles Romney.
They´ve had their problems at Beddingley nick of late,.
and the last thing they want is more bad publicity.
But what am I supposed to do about it? Find Shipley, try and win his confidence.
Find out what kind of tales he´s been telling Romney and report back to Simmonds.
You know, this whole thing is a wild goose chase devised by Fisher, with the sole purpose of sabotaging the restaurant´s opening.
Never underestimate the petty vindictiveness of those in power, Cambridge.
At least you don´t have to find Shipley.
I think I´ve already done that.
Marvelous.
Romney´s got his own production company.
You know a fax machine in the bedroom, girlfriend answering the phone, that sort of thing anyway, I called her, pretended I was from Channel 4, had to speak to Romney urgently.
She gave me a number.
This is where Romney is.
The Nebditsch Intercontinental Hotel and Conference Centre.
Romney asked her to book two double rooms.
Seems reasonable to assume that one of them´s for Shipley.
I can´t wait.
Shop? All right, we will check in, but I warn you, Cambridge I´ve no intention of spending the night here.
If we find Shipley, I´ll chat him up, we´ll go through the motions, then it´s straight back to my kitchen and Fisher can do what he likes.
Shop! Where is everybody? I mean, you´d think that a place like this would be crawling with staff, agog at the sight of actual, paying customers.
"Eh! You´d better get down to reception someone´s trying to check in!" "What, customers in the hotel? This, I got to see.
" RECEPTIONIST: Sir.
Good morning.
Good morning, sir, madam.
Welcome to Nebditsch Intercontinental.
Mm-hmm.
Thanks, Chief.
Have another look when you´re fitting the water tank.
Yeah.
Bye.
I´ve just seen Giles Romney in the bar.
He´s on his own, but a waiter told me he checked in with another man, who hasn´t been out of his room in two days.
Sir, are you all right? My hens have stopped laying.
I see.
So what are you going to do about it? Well, if they haven´t started between now and Saturday night, I shall just have to go out and buy some, won´t I? It´s very disappointing, Cambridge, I was determined to use my earnings on the opening night.
No, I mean about Romney.
Oh, I´ll just chat him up, I suppose.
So, tell me about these documentaries he makes.
They´re pretty controversial.
There was a famous one about nuclear waste and there was one about drug-taking among athletes.
They both won awards.
Well, now he´s making a film about DC Kenneth Shipley? Cambridge, are you telling me all you know about this? I don´t think I understand, sir.
Hm.
Well, I think I´d better do this bit on my own.
Gin and tonic, please.
No ice, no slice.
These days, you see, they give you these sliced lemons, have you noticed? They slice these lemons in the factory, bung them in a little plastic bag, then hose them down with some sort of preservative and Bob´s your uncle, it´s all for the customer´s convenience.
In fact, it´s got more to do with their convenience, really.
I mean, a fresh lemon would be most convenient for me, from my point of view.
Then, of course, there´s the water.
I mean, all the water that comes down here is passed through everybody in this county twice over.
That´s why I always specify "no ice, no slice.
" Really? - Cheers.
- Cheers.
You´re Giles Romney, aren´t you? What? The famous filmmaker.
Go on, it is you, isn´t it? Oh Hey, hey, hey, that one about the nuclear waste brilliant, brilliant.
Do me a favor, will you? Don´t mention my name, okay? I´m, like, working on something and it´s a very delicate situation.
Hey, Romney, you don´t have to worry about me.
Absolutely shtum.
So what´s it about, exactly? Look, I´d rather not talk about it, okay? Fine, fine.
Nothing to do with Detective Constable Kenneth Shipley, then? Steady, steady.
Another one for the gentleman.
Look, who the hell are you? Henry Crabbe.
Pleased to meet you.
Are you a policeman? Well, sort of.
Suspended, pending retirement.
I got shot in the leg.
Now, that would make a film.
How did you find me? No, don´t tell me.
That phone call from Channel 4.
I told Tara not to talk to anybody.
Look, I´m not here officially.
I just want to talk to Kenneth Shipley.
People are worried his friends, his family.
Sure, tell me about it.
Look, this is a man under extreme stress.
But I´ve won his confidence.
We´re close.
Do you know what I mean? I´m the one he trusts.
Okay, there are a few wrinkles that need to be ironed out, but I´m going to make this film because it´s a great story.
And I want to make it for Ken´s sake.
So what is the story, exactly? Why should I tell you? A lot of people would like to shut Ken up maybe you´re one of them.
Look, if you and Shipley have evidence of criminal activity, you must report it.
It´s a crime to withhold evidence.
But if that criminal activity involves policemen, who do you report it to? Who do you trust? Well, you could try me.
Yeah, I´ve got to admit, much as I love Ken, he can be pretty heavy-duty.
Persuade him to talk to me.
And quickly, please.
This place is giving me palpitations.
Deep-fried oysters on a bed of baby carrots? Good grief.
Maybe Romney will just move Shipley somewhere else.
Actually, he seemed rather relieved at being found I think the romance of being on the run with a fugitive policeman´s beginning to wear a bit thin.
Wild duck pancake in a cherry sauce.
You know, this menu was written by a deeply disturbed person.
Are you ready to order, madam? Um, I´ll just have the goat´s cheese and grapefruit salad.
Thank you.
One Hawaiian salad.
And for you, sir? The plaice fillets in brandy and mustard sauce.
is there any chance I could have the plaice minus the sauce, fascinating as that sounds? No, I´m afraid that wouldn´t be possible, sir.
But all you´ve got to do is ask the chef not to put any sauce on the unfortunate fish.
The meals are precooked, sir, boil-in-the-bag.
All the chef has to do is to microwave them and snip open the bags.
Even that´s beyond him, half the time.
Is there a problem here? Ah, no, no, no, no.
There´s a phone call for you, Mr.
Crabbe.
Plaice Caribbean, was it, for you, sir? No, I think I´ll give that one a miss, actually.
No, no, the plaice.
An excellent choice.
Thank you.
Hello.
What was that you just said? Hello, Crabbe? He´ll talk to you.
Room 447.
Come now.
Okay, Ken? What? Yeah.
Ah.
Look, he´s, um, he´s worried you might be wired for sound.
Okay.
Ken Shipley.
Good to meet you.
Let´s have a seat.
Well, come on, Giles, what about a drink for Inspector Crabbe, huh? With a glass.
Supposed to have manners, Eh? Bollocks.
Vodka or vodka? Oh, nothing for me, thanks.
We got a real star here, Giles.
This bloke´s the right stuff and no mistake.
Yeah, that spot of bother you had with Hooperman, bloody joke, huh? They tried to make out he was taking bribes from Dudley Hooperman.
No kidding? They were dead wrong, though.
I can see that, now.
Can you? When I look in a man´s eyes, I can tell whether he´s honest.
I´m never wrong.
It´s a gift.
It´s a very handy gift for a policeman.
Yeah, look where it got me, huh? I mean, they don´t want honest men on the force anymore, do they? They want blokes who are toeing the line, go with the flow.
"Only dead fish swim with the current.
" Have you heard that? No, I haven´t, actually.
Well, I swim against the current.
I go my own way.
And if I think the rest are out of order, I´ll say so.
Why else do you think I´m still a constable at 38? Well, this is all very fascinating, but I´m afraid I´m due back on planet Earth.
What´s that supposed to mean? Is he taking the piss? It´s okay, Ken, take it easy.
I thought he wanted to talk to me.
He does.
He does.
Yes, I do, I do.
Okay, come on.
The Securiti-Mat bullion robbery.
What? The Securiti-Mat bullion robbery! Yes, what about it? Major coup for our mob, right? Five villains sent down for a grand total of 90 years.
Yeah Only one fly in the ointment, though.
What was that? Only one fly! Yeah.
Yes, I know that.
What was the fly in the ointment? 10 million quid´s worth of bullion was stolen, right? Only 6 million recovered.
To be exact 10 million recovered and only 6 million goes back to the insurers.
Someone´s got very rich.
Who? The investigation was headed by Chief Superintendent Barry Simmonds.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I remember that.
So you´re suggesting Barry Simmonds kept part of the stolen bullion? Hole in one.
Can you prove this? Oh, yes.
How? What have you got? Well, I´ll have to talk to Romney first.
Yeah, well, don´t be too long about it.
I haven´t got any time for wild allegations.
Now, can we get out of this room, please? I´m breathing air I used half an hour ago.
Eh, wait a minute! What do you mean "wild allegations"? Are you calling me a liar or something? What´s going on? I don´t trust him, Giles.
He´s like all the others, a sodding jobsworth! They´ve got you by the short and curlies, just like everybody else, haven´t they, Crabbey? I´m going to need proof about Simmonds.
Otherwise, you´re on your own.
Okay Ken bugged Simmonds´s direct line at Beddingley Police Station for 12 months.
He made recordings.
I´d like to hear one.
You will.
I´ll calm him down, don´t worry.
Eh, the guy just wants to be famous, just like everybody else.
Last orders were at 9:00, sir.
They´ve closed the kitchen.
Saved you some rolls.
They´re a bit weird, though stale on the outside and soggy on the inside.
Uh-huh, I thought as much.
A small incision the mark of the Baker´s Chum, Cambridge.
I´m not with you, sir.
Never mind.
So, tell me about Shipley.
Definitely one sandwich short of a picnic.
Picnics God, I´m starving.
Prawn cocktail mix.
"Keep away from naked flame.
" Aha! This must be the famous microwave.
So, Chief Superintendent Barry Simmonds makes off with 4 million quids´ worth of stolen bullion.
Seems highly unlikely to me.
In other words, you don´t take Shipley seriously.
Freeze-dried minced granules.
Quite.
Shipley? Nah.
No, he´s like one of those people who thinks they´ve seen Elvis shopping in North Oxford.
Aha! The most beautiful shape in nature.
Somehow, real food has infiltrated this kitchen.
Now, all we need is some butter and a decent frying pan and I can make us an omelette.
Good evening.
Can I be of any assistance? CRABBE: Just looking around.
Guests are always welcome to inspect the kitchen.
Actually, I was going to make an omelette.
We´ll pay for the egg, of course.
Fresh parsley and chives.
My own supply.
Well, now, you´re talking.
May I recommend a Beaujolais? Indeed, you may.
That´s my kind of guy.
Crabbe, are you there? It´s Ken Shipley! We´ve got to talk.
Painter.
This omelette, it´s, um I don´t know, different, I can´t explain it.
It´s the Crabbe effect.
What´s that? It´s what happens when normally rational, articulate people eat his food they get a faraway look in their eyes and start rambling.
See, when it comes to omelettes, the heat of the pan is the crucial factor.
Okay, Crabbe, let´s stop messing about, shall we? Oh, come on, Shipley.
Look, can´t you see we´re eating? Sit down, relax, have a glass of wine.
I´ll tell you what I´ll make you an omelette.
"Wild allegations," you said.
Just listen to this a telephone call between Simmonds and a very senior police officer, indeed.
Ah, um, John, do you think we could have another bottle of wine, please? Ken! Ken! What´s going on? Hey, we agreed, nobody hears this material without signing a disclaimer.
Shh! I know that voice.
CAMBRIDGE: Fisher.
Interested now? SIMMONDS: One of us will have to go to Switzerland.
Hi.
Giles Romney, filmmaker.
PC Cambridge.
You´re a policewoman? That´s fabulous.
I bet you´ve had a lot of problems with sexism and racism, eh? When I first joined, yes.
But I´ve mellowed a lot since then.
Shush! ROMNEY: I´ve got a 12-month option on the UK rights of this material, you know? Eh, what have you been eating? Smells great.
Nobody move! Stay away from that! Crabbe! You stitched me up! I´ll get you for this! Anyone else?! I´ve let the dog off! The police are on their way! We are the police, you berk.
Shipley must´ve grabbed the tape.
You´ll be interested to know that we have been barred for life from the Nebditsch Intercontinental Hotel and Conference Centre.
CRABBE: What a pity.
You´ll never believe how much they charge for two dozen eggs.
£30? Good God! Mr.
Fisher will have a fit when he sees it.
Good.
Shall we talk about the tape, now, sir? What tape? It was you that took it, wasn´t it, sir? Can you give me a lift, Mr.
Crabbe? Of course, John.
Where to? Uh, well, that´s a bit of a problem.
- Why is that, then? - Well, as a matter of fact I´m no longer employed at the hotel.
Oh, no, not because of last night? There was a bit of a contretemps, yes.
You´d better jump in.
CRABBE: It seems that DC Shipley´s been recording certain phone conversations from Beddingley Police Station.
My phone calls.
Yes, sir.
And you heard one of these recordings? Well, I was about to, sir, when Mr.
Simmonds´s men came barging in.
Of course, I had no idea who they were.
And, in the ensuing confusion, Shipley ran away.
And the tape? I couldn´t say, sir.
Couldn´t say, eh, Crabbe? Well, let me tell you what Sergeant Millard says.
Sergeant Millard says you caused the confusion in the kitchen, quite deliberately, in his opinion, so that Shipley could get away.
No, no, no, sir, no, see, I was making omelettes.
And, as you know, when making omelettes, the heat of the pan is the crucial factor.
And I was completely unfamiliar with the stove, do you see? I don´t believe this guy.
He´s talking about making omelettes! Barry, give me five minutes with Inspector Crabbe, will you? This recorded phone conversation who was Simmonds talking to? Ah, well, I think it was you, sir.
And what was the nature of our conversation? It was impossible for me to ascertain that, sir.
Crabbe, have you got that tape? It shouldn´t be necessary for you to ask that question and I deeply resent the implications.
FISHER: This had better be good, Simmonds.
SIMMONDS: I´m sorry, sir, but it´s an emergency.
Can we meet? Good God, man, it´s 9:00 on Sunday morning.
I´m about to go out and play golf.
The money has to be moved to another account.
One of us will have to go to Switzerland.
Securiti-Mat´s insurers are being more persistent than we anticipated.
I have told you not to mention that on an open line.
Can we meet, sir? All right, all right.
You´d better meet me at the club.
Uh, Mrs.
Shipley? Yes.
Hello, my name is Henry Crabbe.
I´d like to talk to you about your husband.
Are you a policeman? Yes.
Somebody wants to make a film about Ken? Oh, I´ve heard it all, now.
Well, it´s true, actually.
Well, you can believe it if you want to.
Me, I´ve been married to the man for 15 years.
I´ve heard more fairy tales than you can imagine.
Can I have some milk, Mum? Yes, love.
When did you last see him? Six months ago.
I had to tell him to go.
It was getting too much.
I was worried for the kids.
Look, you can tell Barry Simmonds to stop sending people round here.
I haven´t the foggiest where Ken is.
I´m nothing to do with Barry Simmonds.
You´re not from Beddingley nick? No, no.
I´m actually trying to help Ken.
Rosie, hurry up.
Ken´s got this thing about Simmonds, hasn´t he? That´s one way of putting it, I suppose.
Look, Ken and Barry Simmonds were best mates.
They were at school together, they joined the police together.
It´s funny Ken was the bright one, he was the one destined for great things.
Look at them now.
Yes, it can be very hard to take.
I mean, it must have been hard for Ken.
Yeah, particularly when Barry was moved to Beddingley.
I mean, there they were, working in the same nick.
Barry could´ve made it easier for Ken, but he didn´t, he was a bastard.
Ken became obsessed with him.
Barry Simmonds ruined his life, his career.
Even his marriage.
It´s unbelievable, the mess people make of things, isn´t it? If I find him, is there anything you´d like me to say to him? No.
You said you wanted to help my dad.
What? You said you wanted to help my dad.
If I can, yes.
And you´re not from Beddingley nick? No.
All right, I´ll tell you where he is.
I´ve been there a couple of times, but it´s difficult Mum would kill me if she knew.
We´re not supposed to see him.
- I understand.
- Tell him, from me, it´ll be all right.
Mum will let him back, but he´s got to stop this Barry Simmonds stuff and he´s got to knock the booze on the head.
Tell him I´ll help I´ve looked up a phone number he can ring.
I´ll tell him.
I promise.
CRABBE: Eh! It´s Simmonds, sir.
FISHER: For God´s sakes, man, I told you not to call me at home.
This had better be good, Simmonds.
I´m sorry, sir, but it´s an emergency.
One of us will have to go to Switzerland.
- What do you want? - Securiti-Mat´s insurers are being more persistent than we anticipated.
This tape of Fisher and Simmonds there´s a TV in the background you can hear the music on the program.
It´s an Australian soap opera.
So what? This soap only goes out on weekdays.
Fisher and Simmonds are talking on a Sunday morning.
FISHER: Good God, man, it´s 9:00 on Sunday morning.
I´m about to go and play golf.
So? Maybe it´s a video.
How did you find me, Crabbe? Rose told me.
Where´s Romney? I don´t know.
I´m having second thoughts about Romney.
Media types what do they know about life? Or maybe I´ll take it to the newspaper.
Or the tabloids.
Why not? I want to listen to the other tapes, Shipley.
Or maybe I´ll write a book.
Tell my own story, my own words.
Did you hear what I said? Just do what you want.
Now, I understand.
Oh, yeah? You´re a weird one, you are, Crabbe.
I shall want to take a couple of these tapes with me.
One of them could be quite useful.
It´ll help me get you out of trouble.
Get me out of trouble? Simmonds is the one who´s in trouble.
Rosie asked me to give you a message.
She said she thinks she might be able to square it with Jane for you to go back home.
There are various conditions.
Giving up drink, for example.
I´ll go home when I´m ready.
On my own terms, when I´ve sorted that bastard Simmonds and his rotten team.
And I will sort him, Crabbe, because I´m right.
And, sooner or later, the truth will come out and everybody will see I´m right.
I´m afraid it doesn´t work like that, Ken.
The truth will not out, justice will not be done, and people will not see.
Believe me, I know.
Yes, you´re right, the background levels are all different, sir.
Whoever did this has snipped up half a dozen, a dozen, phone calls and then put the TV music on top.
A plane flying over would´ve been better.
That´s the usual thing.
You see, when Shipley couldn´t get anything incriminating on Simmonds, he just had to fake it.
Oh, I´m devastated.
I had a real feeling about the story, you know? Try this one.
Oh, maybe it´s all for the best.
I mean, corrupt policemen? We´ve been there before, right? There are so many big issues out there now the environment, Europe.
You may find this tape more interesting, Romney.
It´s got Fisher and Simmonds discussing overtime.
Oh, overtime.
The police are undermanned, okay? To keep up with the workload, officers are doing thousands of hours of overtime, and it´s costing a fortune.
Here, Simmonds and Fisher are discussing how to cut it.
So? So how do they decide who gets the extra hours? Look, imagine, God forbid, Cambridge gets murdered.
She´d end up all over the front page, right? Say you get murdered it ends up underneath the gardening tips.
Who gets the short straw in Fisher´s cost Two murders, two investigations, and only enough overtime money for one of them.
So who gets it? Publicity wise, there´s no contest.
The front-page murder gets it all.
The other one gets put on the back burner.
Now, some would call that responding to market conditions.
I call it rough justice.
Now, that´s the story.
Yeah, I see your point, but, I mean, police overtime it´s a bit parochial, isn´t it? MAN: This tape´s fine.
No one´s tampered with this one.
Are you going to let me have the tape now, sir? Not just now, Cambridge, no.
Fine, fine.
Yes, see you then.
Goodbye.
Table for two, 9:00.
Right, turn them on, Mrs.
Crabbe.
Oh, my God, the tureen´s still in the fridge it´ll be freezing! I´ll get it out.
No, no, you carry on.
I´ll get it.
Where is Henderson with that canape? Henderson, where the hell have you been? Keep your hair on.
The van wouldn´t start.
Do you realize Oh, my God, it´s 20 past 7:00 can´t be! Seven bookings so far, so at least we´re not going to be empty.
Higgins, get a move on we have the first customers due in 10 minutes! I´m going as fast as I can.
Don´t, don´t, don´t don´t forget the glasses for the red wine as well.
Henry, for Heaven´s sake, go away! You´re making matters worse.
I can hear a car.
They´re early.
How inconsiderate can you get? It´s a disaster! Tell them to go away.
Tell them tell them we´ve been flooded.
Tell them we´ve had a fire.
May I suggest Mr.
Crabbe, return to the kitchen.
Mrs.
Crabbe, help Linda, and I´ll greet the customers.
Yes, yes.
Now, you all hear that? I want everybody to do exactly what John says.
Higgins! Come on, come on! Margaret.
The lights! Ow! Good evening.
Sitting them down, now.
Good luck, Mr.
Crabbe.
John´s handing out the menus very good.
Ordering drinks.
So far, so good.
That woman´s frowning at the menu.
What´s she frowning for? It´s a perfectly good menu.
She´s just reading it, Chef, relax.
Oh, God, get me through tonight, and I swear I´ll never complain in a restaurant again.
Well, up to a point.
Two soup, one tureen, one smoked eel, two pie, two chicken.
Right, then.
Let´s get on with it.
Two Gooseberry Fools, one Stilton.
Table 3 says it´s the best omelette they´ve ever had.
Table 6 wants your steak and kidney pie recipe, and Table 5 wants to know where you get your potatoes from.
Cambridge! What are you doing creeping in the back door? Go into the dining room.
Dinner´s on the house.
Mr.
Fisher´s in there with Barry Simmonds.
Ah.
Mr.
Crabbe, there´s a gentleman on 2, Mr.
Fisher, he´d like to speak to you.
Yes, all right.
Ah, Steve, can you manage for five minutes? There you go Cambridge, help yourself to a glass of red wine.
Evening, sir.
Sir.
I believe you have something for me.
Yes, uh, I´d like to ask for something in return, I´m afraid, sir.
I´m disappointed in you, Crabbe.
I didn´t think you´d exploit the situation for your own end.
No, no, no, not for myself.
I want some assurances about Shipley.
About Shipley? Yes, I want no charges to be brought against him.
Give him early retirement.
Medical grounds, job-induced stress, something like that.
On full pension, and all the help his family need until he can get himself sorted out.
Well, how about giving him a medal into the bargain, eh? The man´s a troublemaker.
He´s destructive, and I don´t just mean to himself.
I should know, I´m the one he´s been trying to smear.
Well, if that´s your attitude, I´m afraid I can´t help you, sir.
All right, Barry, calm down.
Crabbe´s right.
I would agree a Christian charity is called for, in this case.
Shipley´s our responsibility.
After all, he´s one of our own and, uh, we have to look after our own, don´t we, Crabbe? Now then Is there anything here that isn´t swimming in saturated fat? And about time, too.
That was great.
They ate everything.
And they came back for more.
It´s Mr.
Crabbe.
He´s got the gift.
Where is he, anyway? Are you all right? There was one particularly chilling moment when I was stuck in that hotel.
I was sitting there, listening to Shipley obsessively moaning on about Chief Superintendent Barry Simmonds, and I had a sudden vision of myself, embittered, obsessional, moaning on about Fisher.
Well, God knows, you´ve got enough to moan about.
Yeah, well, Shipley´s way of coping with it was to create this fantasy world of corrupt coppers out to do him down.
And it occurred to me, maybe that´s what the restaurant is, a fantasy, bit of wishful thinking, to make up for all the disappointments.
Come on.
They want to share a drink with you.
It was a great success, Henry.
We made £625.
43.
That is not a fantasy.
You never counted it already.
I´m an accountant when I see money, I count it.
Do you think it went well tonight? No, really, honestly, and truly? Yes! That´s my only egg for three days you´ve just broken.
Just in time.
Hi, Margaret The electrician hasn´t turned up again and you know, Debbie was going to give me a hand with the waitressing, but she´s got a job.
Sensible girl.
Now, come on, you two, have some of this.
Here we are.
Broccoli cheese soufflé.
Oh, I´m sorry, Henry, I had a sandwich on the road.
I´ll have some later.
Have some lat Margaret, it´s a soufflé.
You don´t have it later, it´s now or never.
You´ve got to seize the fleeting moment before it´s gone, never to return.
Henry, did you hear what Linda said about the new waitress? Not enough seasoning.
And what about the electrician? I´m looking for the owner Mr.
Crabbe.
Yes, that´s me.
Yes, I like it.
I like it.
Congratulations, Mr.
Crabbe.
I´m impressed.
Jasper Snape.
Cuisine Tech Ltd.
Specialists in food restauration equipment.
Specialists in what? Seeing is believing, Mr.
Crabbe.
I´ll firstly point out the Baker´s Chum.
Injects pressurized steam into croissants, rolls, baps, and burger buns.
The nozzle here is inserted into the food item, leaving an almost invisible incision.
Once revived, the item can be presented to the customer with complete confidence.
Am I to understand that you´re trying to sell me a device that injects steam into stale rolls? What a marvelous idea.
And you see, we don´t accept the concept of staleness, Mr.
Crabbe.
We prefer to talk about "food fatigue.
" Listen, pal, you´ve come to the wrong place.
Out.
And here´s Mr.
Cheesy, the cheese reviver.
"Mr.
Cheesy"? Good God, man, have you gone insane? Out! - All right, steady on.
- Out! Keep your hair on.
Steve, try to restrain him.
Out! Out! Chef! Good afternoon, sir.
Constable.
Crabbe, a word.
I want you to meet Chief Superintendent Barry Simmonds.
This is Crabbe? I want you to find a policeman for me.
What? Chief Superintendent Simmonds runs the Regional Crime Squad based at Beddingley.
- A DC there has gone missing.
- Barry.
Thank you, sir.
Detective Constable Kenneth Shipley.
I´ve known him for years.
In fact, we started out in the job together.
The thing is, Ken´s had a few problems of late.
He´s been under serious stress and I´m worried he´s finally cracked.
Now, the guy´s a friend, I want to see if I can help him before he does himself some serious damage.
What am I supposed to do? Find him, talk to him, tell him to report back on duty, and I´ll do everything I can to sort things out for him.
Mr.
Fisher tells me you´re good in delicate situations of this nature.
Would you excuse me just one moment, sir? Sir, could I just have a word here, in private thank you.
What´s the problem, Crabbe? You don´t expect me to drop everything just like that because some wayward copper´s done a bunk? That´s exactly what I expect you to do.
Shipley´s seriously unstable.
God knows what mischief he´ll stir up.
He´s a fellow officer, Crabbe, we owe it to him to sort this thing out as quietly as possible.
Yes, but I´m supposed to open the restaurant Saturday night.
I shouldn´t have to remind you you´re still in deep trouble over the Hooperman business.
People want your hide for that, Crabbe.
If I don´t get your cooperation, I might let them have it.
Am I looking at next week´s coq au vin? Certainly not those are laying hens.
The skin is the most fattening part of a chicken, you know? I never eat the skin.
Really? I´m quite partial to skin myself.
I know what´s good for me, Crabbe.
I hope you do.
Cambridge will brief you when she picks you up tomorrow morning.
Well, I finally caught up with my paperwork.
Why are you hanging about in the dark? Because the lights don´t work.
Well, you know why that is.
Because the electrician didn´t come today, I know.
Here, try some of this.
Moulin à vent.
It´s rather good.
Then you´ll have to chase him up, Henry.
And you´re going to have to find someone to help Linda one waitress isn´t enough.
You´ve only got ´til Saturday to do it.
It´s all right.
I´m postponing the opening.
So there´s no need to panic.
What? It´s Fisher, he´s got a job for me.
Well, you can´t postpone it.
I´ve spoken to one of my clients about the restaurant.
You know Jack Hastings, he owned the garage? Well, he´s booked a table for six, 7:30 Saturday, so there.
Margaret, what have you done? You can´t put it off forever, Henry.
Money has got to start coming in as well as going out.
But a table for six? Good God.
Six?! Where are we going to put them Or there? I mean, let´s see let´s say they have a set meal at, what, £16 a head.
What about here, in the middle of things? But then what if nobody else comes? Here they´ll be, marooned.
There´ll be aperitifs, there´ll be house wine.
It´ll be like dinner on the Marie Celeste.
Henry, it´ll be 130 quid, minimum.
It is a start.
What´s the matter? Well, it´s just sunk in complete strangers are going to come here and eat my food.
I know.
Extraordinary, isn´t it? Do you think I could have some soda water in this? 48, 49, 50.
There, now.
Don´t forget I want those fittings for the ceilings, all right? I want those for the walls, and I want a couple of those for behind the bar.
No problem.
And you will do it today? Oh, absolutely.
I mean, I know things have been a bit rough, but I´m on this job 100%.
That´s good news because we´re open on Saturday.
Oh, absolutely.
No worries.
Higgins.
Thanks.
Seems that DC Shipley´s fallen in with this documentary filmmaker called Giles Romney.
They´ve had their problems at Beddingley nick of late,.
and the last thing they want is more bad publicity.
But what am I supposed to do about it? Find Shipley, try and win his confidence.
Find out what kind of tales he´s been telling Romney and report back to Simmonds.
You know, this whole thing is a wild goose chase devised by Fisher, with the sole purpose of sabotaging the restaurant´s opening.
Never underestimate the petty vindictiveness of those in power, Cambridge.
At least you don´t have to find Shipley.
I think I´ve already done that.
Marvelous.
Romney´s got his own production company.
You know a fax machine in the bedroom, girlfriend answering the phone, that sort of thing anyway, I called her, pretended I was from Channel 4, had to speak to Romney urgently.
She gave me a number.
This is where Romney is.
The Nebditsch Intercontinental Hotel and Conference Centre.
Romney asked her to book two double rooms.
Seems reasonable to assume that one of them´s for Shipley.
I can´t wait.
Shop? All right, we will check in, but I warn you, Cambridge I´ve no intention of spending the night here.
If we find Shipley, I´ll chat him up, we´ll go through the motions, then it´s straight back to my kitchen and Fisher can do what he likes.
Shop! Where is everybody? I mean, you´d think that a place like this would be crawling with staff, agog at the sight of actual, paying customers.
"Eh! You´d better get down to reception someone´s trying to check in!" "What, customers in the hotel? This, I got to see.
" RECEPTIONIST: Sir.
Good morning.
Good morning, sir, madam.
Welcome to Nebditsch Intercontinental.
Mm-hmm.
Thanks, Chief.
Have another look when you´re fitting the water tank.
Yeah.
Bye.
I´ve just seen Giles Romney in the bar.
He´s on his own, but a waiter told me he checked in with another man, who hasn´t been out of his room in two days.
Sir, are you all right? My hens have stopped laying.
I see.
So what are you going to do about it? Well, if they haven´t started between now and Saturday night, I shall just have to go out and buy some, won´t I? It´s very disappointing, Cambridge, I was determined to use my earnings on the opening night.
No, I mean about Romney.
Oh, I´ll just chat him up, I suppose.
So, tell me about these documentaries he makes.
They´re pretty controversial.
There was a famous one about nuclear waste and there was one about drug-taking among athletes.
They both won awards.
Well, now he´s making a film about DC Kenneth Shipley? Cambridge, are you telling me all you know about this? I don´t think I understand, sir.
Hm.
Well, I think I´d better do this bit on my own.
Gin and tonic, please.
No ice, no slice.
These days, you see, they give you these sliced lemons, have you noticed? They slice these lemons in the factory, bung them in a little plastic bag, then hose them down with some sort of preservative and Bob´s your uncle, it´s all for the customer´s convenience.
In fact, it´s got more to do with their convenience, really.
I mean, a fresh lemon would be most convenient for me, from my point of view.
Then, of course, there´s the water.
I mean, all the water that comes down here is passed through everybody in this county twice over.
That´s why I always specify "no ice, no slice.
" Really? - Cheers.
- Cheers.
You´re Giles Romney, aren´t you? What? The famous filmmaker.
Go on, it is you, isn´t it? Oh Hey, hey, hey, that one about the nuclear waste brilliant, brilliant.
Do me a favor, will you? Don´t mention my name, okay? I´m, like, working on something and it´s a very delicate situation.
Hey, Romney, you don´t have to worry about me.
Absolutely shtum.
So what´s it about, exactly? Look, I´d rather not talk about it, okay? Fine, fine.
Nothing to do with Detective Constable Kenneth Shipley, then? Steady, steady.
Another one for the gentleman.
Look, who the hell are you? Henry Crabbe.
Pleased to meet you.
Are you a policeman? Well, sort of.
Suspended, pending retirement.
I got shot in the leg.
Now, that would make a film.
How did you find me? No, don´t tell me.
That phone call from Channel 4.
I told Tara not to talk to anybody.
Look, I´m not here officially.
I just want to talk to Kenneth Shipley.
People are worried his friends, his family.
Sure, tell me about it.
Look, this is a man under extreme stress.
But I´ve won his confidence.
We´re close.
Do you know what I mean? I´m the one he trusts.
Okay, there are a few wrinkles that need to be ironed out, but I´m going to make this film because it´s a great story.
And I want to make it for Ken´s sake.
So what is the story, exactly? Why should I tell you? A lot of people would like to shut Ken up maybe you´re one of them.
Look, if you and Shipley have evidence of criminal activity, you must report it.
It´s a crime to withhold evidence.
But if that criminal activity involves policemen, who do you report it to? Who do you trust? Well, you could try me.
Yeah, I´ve got to admit, much as I love Ken, he can be pretty heavy-duty.
Persuade him to talk to me.
And quickly, please.
This place is giving me palpitations.
Deep-fried oysters on a bed of baby carrots? Good grief.
Maybe Romney will just move Shipley somewhere else.
Actually, he seemed rather relieved at being found I think the romance of being on the run with a fugitive policeman´s beginning to wear a bit thin.
Wild duck pancake in a cherry sauce.
You know, this menu was written by a deeply disturbed person.
Are you ready to order, madam? Um, I´ll just have the goat´s cheese and grapefruit salad.
Thank you.
One Hawaiian salad.
And for you, sir? The plaice fillets in brandy and mustard sauce.
is there any chance I could have the plaice minus the sauce, fascinating as that sounds? No, I´m afraid that wouldn´t be possible, sir.
But all you´ve got to do is ask the chef not to put any sauce on the unfortunate fish.
The meals are precooked, sir, boil-in-the-bag.
All the chef has to do is to microwave them and snip open the bags.
Even that´s beyond him, half the time.
Is there a problem here? Ah, no, no, no, no.
There´s a phone call for you, Mr.
Crabbe.
Plaice Caribbean, was it, for you, sir? No, I think I´ll give that one a miss, actually.
No, no, the plaice.
An excellent choice.
Thank you.
Hello.
What was that you just said? Hello, Crabbe? He´ll talk to you.
Room 447.
Come now.
Okay, Ken? What? Yeah.
Ah.
Look, he´s, um, he´s worried you might be wired for sound.
Okay.
Ken Shipley.
Good to meet you.
Let´s have a seat.
Well, come on, Giles, what about a drink for Inspector Crabbe, huh? With a glass.
Supposed to have manners, Eh? Bollocks.
Vodka or vodka? Oh, nothing for me, thanks.
We got a real star here, Giles.
This bloke´s the right stuff and no mistake.
Yeah, that spot of bother you had with Hooperman, bloody joke, huh? They tried to make out he was taking bribes from Dudley Hooperman.
No kidding? They were dead wrong, though.
I can see that, now.
Can you? When I look in a man´s eyes, I can tell whether he´s honest.
I´m never wrong.
It´s a gift.
It´s a very handy gift for a policeman.
Yeah, look where it got me, huh? I mean, they don´t want honest men on the force anymore, do they? They want blokes who are toeing the line, go with the flow.
"Only dead fish swim with the current.
" Have you heard that? No, I haven´t, actually.
Well, I swim against the current.
I go my own way.
And if I think the rest are out of order, I´ll say so.
Why else do you think I´m still a constable at 38? Well, this is all very fascinating, but I´m afraid I´m due back on planet Earth.
What´s that supposed to mean? Is he taking the piss? It´s okay, Ken, take it easy.
I thought he wanted to talk to me.
He does.
He does.
Yes, I do, I do.
Okay, come on.
The Securiti-Mat bullion robbery.
What? The Securiti-Mat bullion robbery! Yes, what about it? Major coup for our mob, right? Five villains sent down for a grand total of 90 years.
Yeah Only one fly in the ointment, though.
What was that? Only one fly! Yeah.
Yes, I know that.
What was the fly in the ointment? 10 million quid´s worth of bullion was stolen, right? Only 6 million recovered.
To be exact 10 million recovered and only 6 million goes back to the insurers.
Someone´s got very rich.
Who? The investigation was headed by Chief Superintendent Barry Simmonds.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I remember that.
So you´re suggesting Barry Simmonds kept part of the stolen bullion? Hole in one.
Can you prove this? Oh, yes.
How? What have you got? Well, I´ll have to talk to Romney first.
Yeah, well, don´t be too long about it.
I haven´t got any time for wild allegations.
Now, can we get out of this room, please? I´m breathing air I used half an hour ago.
Eh, wait a minute! What do you mean "wild allegations"? Are you calling me a liar or something? What´s going on? I don´t trust him, Giles.
He´s like all the others, a sodding jobsworth! They´ve got you by the short and curlies, just like everybody else, haven´t they, Crabbey? I´m going to need proof about Simmonds.
Otherwise, you´re on your own.
Okay Ken bugged Simmonds´s direct line at Beddingley Police Station for 12 months.
He made recordings.
I´d like to hear one.
You will.
I´ll calm him down, don´t worry.
Eh, the guy just wants to be famous, just like everybody else.
Last orders were at 9:00, sir.
They´ve closed the kitchen.
Saved you some rolls.
They´re a bit weird, though stale on the outside and soggy on the inside.
Uh-huh, I thought as much.
A small incision the mark of the Baker´s Chum, Cambridge.
I´m not with you, sir.
Never mind.
So, tell me about Shipley.
Definitely one sandwich short of a picnic.
Picnics God, I´m starving.
Prawn cocktail mix.
"Keep away from naked flame.
" Aha! This must be the famous microwave.
So, Chief Superintendent Barry Simmonds makes off with 4 million quids´ worth of stolen bullion.
Seems highly unlikely to me.
In other words, you don´t take Shipley seriously.
Freeze-dried minced granules.
Quite.
Shipley? Nah.
No, he´s like one of those people who thinks they´ve seen Elvis shopping in North Oxford.
Aha! The most beautiful shape in nature.
Somehow, real food has infiltrated this kitchen.
Now, all we need is some butter and a decent frying pan and I can make us an omelette.
Good evening.
Can I be of any assistance? CRABBE: Just looking around.
Guests are always welcome to inspect the kitchen.
Actually, I was going to make an omelette.
We´ll pay for the egg, of course.
Fresh parsley and chives.
My own supply.
Well, now, you´re talking.
May I recommend a Beaujolais? Indeed, you may.
That´s my kind of guy.
Crabbe, are you there? It´s Ken Shipley! We´ve got to talk.
Painter.
This omelette, it´s, um I don´t know, different, I can´t explain it.
It´s the Crabbe effect.
What´s that? It´s what happens when normally rational, articulate people eat his food they get a faraway look in their eyes and start rambling.
See, when it comes to omelettes, the heat of the pan is the crucial factor.
Okay, Crabbe, let´s stop messing about, shall we? Oh, come on, Shipley.
Look, can´t you see we´re eating? Sit down, relax, have a glass of wine.
I´ll tell you what I´ll make you an omelette.
"Wild allegations," you said.
Just listen to this a telephone call between Simmonds and a very senior police officer, indeed.
Ah, um, John, do you think we could have another bottle of wine, please? Ken! Ken! What´s going on? Hey, we agreed, nobody hears this material without signing a disclaimer.
Shh! I know that voice.
CAMBRIDGE: Fisher.
Interested now? SIMMONDS: One of us will have to go to Switzerland.
Hi.
Giles Romney, filmmaker.
PC Cambridge.
You´re a policewoman? That´s fabulous.
I bet you´ve had a lot of problems with sexism and racism, eh? When I first joined, yes.
But I´ve mellowed a lot since then.
Shush! ROMNEY: I´ve got a 12-month option on the UK rights of this material, you know? Eh, what have you been eating? Smells great.
Nobody move! Stay away from that! Crabbe! You stitched me up! I´ll get you for this! Anyone else?! I´ve let the dog off! The police are on their way! We are the police, you berk.
Shipley must´ve grabbed the tape.
You´ll be interested to know that we have been barred for life from the Nebditsch Intercontinental Hotel and Conference Centre.
CRABBE: What a pity.
You´ll never believe how much they charge for two dozen eggs.
£30? Good God! Mr.
Fisher will have a fit when he sees it.
Good.
Shall we talk about the tape, now, sir? What tape? It was you that took it, wasn´t it, sir? Can you give me a lift, Mr.
Crabbe? Of course, John.
Where to? Uh, well, that´s a bit of a problem.
- Why is that, then? - Well, as a matter of fact I´m no longer employed at the hotel.
Oh, no, not because of last night? There was a bit of a contretemps, yes.
You´d better jump in.
CRABBE: It seems that DC Shipley´s been recording certain phone conversations from Beddingley Police Station.
My phone calls.
Yes, sir.
And you heard one of these recordings? Well, I was about to, sir, when Mr.
Simmonds´s men came barging in.
Of course, I had no idea who they were.
And, in the ensuing confusion, Shipley ran away.
And the tape? I couldn´t say, sir.
Couldn´t say, eh, Crabbe? Well, let me tell you what Sergeant Millard says.
Sergeant Millard says you caused the confusion in the kitchen, quite deliberately, in his opinion, so that Shipley could get away.
No, no, no, sir, no, see, I was making omelettes.
And, as you know, when making omelettes, the heat of the pan is the crucial factor.
And I was completely unfamiliar with the stove, do you see? I don´t believe this guy.
He´s talking about making omelettes! Barry, give me five minutes with Inspector Crabbe, will you? This recorded phone conversation who was Simmonds talking to? Ah, well, I think it was you, sir.
And what was the nature of our conversation? It was impossible for me to ascertain that, sir.
Crabbe, have you got that tape? It shouldn´t be necessary for you to ask that question and I deeply resent the implications.
FISHER: This had better be good, Simmonds.
SIMMONDS: I´m sorry, sir, but it´s an emergency.
Can we meet? Good God, man, it´s 9:00 on Sunday morning.
I´m about to go out and play golf.
The money has to be moved to another account.
One of us will have to go to Switzerland.
Securiti-Mat´s insurers are being more persistent than we anticipated.
I have told you not to mention that on an open line.
Can we meet, sir? All right, all right.
You´d better meet me at the club.
Uh, Mrs.
Shipley? Yes.
Hello, my name is Henry Crabbe.
I´d like to talk to you about your husband.
Are you a policeman? Yes.
Somebody wants to make a film about Ken? Oh, I´ve heard it all, now.
Well, it´s true, actually.
Well, you can believe it if you want to.
Me, I´ve been married to the man for 15 years.
I´ve heard more fairy tales than you can imagine.
Can I have some milk, Mum? Yes, love.
When did you last see him? Six months ago.
I had to tell him to go.
It was getting too much.
I was worried for the kids.
Look, you can tell Barry Simmonds to stop sending people round here.
I haven´t the foggiest where Ken is.
I´m nothing to do with Barry Simmonds.
You´re not from Beddingley nick? No, no.
I´m actually trying to help Ken.
Rosie, hurry up.
Ken´s got this thing about Simmonds, hasn´t he? That´s one way of putting it, I suppose.
Look, Ken and Barry Simmonds were best mates.
They were at school together, they joined the police together.
It´s funny Ken was the bright one, he was the one destined for great things.
Look at them now.
Yes, it can be very hard to take.
I mean, it must have been hard for Ken.
Yeah, particularly when Barry was moved to Beddingley.
I mean, there they were, working in the same nick.
Barry could´ve made it easier for Ken, but he didn´t, he was a bastard.
Ken became obsessed with him.
Barry Simmonds ruined his life, his career.
Even his marriage.
It´s unbelievable, the mess people make of things, isn´t it? If I find him, is there anything you´d like me to say to him? No.
You said you wanted to help my dad.
What? You said you wanted to help my dad.
If I can, yes.
And you´re not from Beddingley nick? No.
All right, I´ll tell you where he is.
I´ve been there a couple of times, but it´s difficult Mum would kill me if she knew.
We´re not supposed to see him.
- I understand.
- Tell him, from me, it´ll be all right.
Mum will let him back, but he´s got to stop this Barry Simmonds stuff and he´s got to knock the booze on the head.
Tell him I´ll help I´ve looked up a phone number he can ring.
I´ll tell him.
I promise.
CRABBE: Eh! It´s Simmonds, sir.
FISHER: For God´s sakes, man, I told you not to call me at home.
This had better be good, Simmonds.
I´m sorry, sir, but it´s an emergency.
One of us will have to go to Switzerland.
- What do you want? - Securiti-Mat´s insurers are being more persistent than we anticipated.
This tape of Fisher and Simmonds there´s a TV in the background you can hear the music on the program.
It´s an Australian soap opera.
So what? This soap only goes out on weekdays.
Fisher and Simmonds are talking on a Sunday morning.
FISHER: Good God, man, it´s 9:00 on Sunday morning.
I´m about to go and play golf.
So? Maybe it´s a video.
How did you find me, Crabbe? Rose told me.
Where´s Romney? I don´t know.
I´m having second thoughts about Romney.
Media types what do they know about life? Or maybe I´ll take it to the newspaper.
Or the tabloids.
Why not? I want to listen to the other tapes, Shipley.
Or maybe I´ll write a book.
Tell my own story, my own words.
Did you hear what I said? Just do what you want.
Now, I understand.
Oh, yeah? You´re a weird one, you are, Crabbe.
I shall want to take a couple of these tapes with me.
One of them could be quite useful.
It´ll help me get you out of trouble.
Get me out of trouble? Simmonds is the one who´s in trouble.
Rosie asked me to give you a message.
She said she thinks she might be able to square it with Jane for you to go back home.
There are various conditions.
Giving up drink, for example.
I´ll go home when I´m ready.
On my own terms, when I´ve sorted that bastard Simmonds and his rotten team.
And I will sort him, Crabbe, because I´m right.
And, sooner or later, the truth will come out and everybody will see I´m right.
I´m afraid it doesn´t work like that, Ken.
The truth will not out, justice will not be done, and people will not see.
Believe me, I know.
Yes, you´re right, the background levels are all different, sir.
Whoever did this has snipped up half a dozen, a dozen, phone calls and then put the TV music on top.
A plane flying over would´ve been better.
That´s the usual thing.
You see, when Shipley couldn´t get anything incriminating on Simmonds, he just had to fake it.
Oh, I´m devastated.
I had a real feeling about the story, you know? Try this one.
Oh, maybe it´s all for the best.
I mean, corrupt policemen? We´ve been there before, right? There are so many big issues out there now the environment, Europe.
You may find this tape more interesting, Romney.
It´s got Fisher and Simmonds discussing overtime.
Oh, overtime.
The police are undermanned, okay? To keep up with the workload, officers are doing thousands of hours of overtime, and it´s costing a fortune.
Here, Simmonds and Fisher are discussing how to cut it.
So? So how do they decide who gets the extra hours? Look, imagine, God forbid, Cambridge gets murdered.
She´d end up all over the front page, right? Say you get murdered it ends up underneath the gardening tips.
Who gets the short straw in Fisher´s cost Two murders, two investigations, and only enough overtime money for one of them.
So who gets it? Publicity wise, there´s no contest.
The front-page murder gets it all.
The other one gets put on the back burner.
Now, some would call that responding to market conditions.
I call it rough justice.
Now, that´s the story.
Yeah, I see your point, but, I mean, police overtime it´s a bit parochial, isn´t it? MAN: This tape´s fine.
No one´s tampered with this one.
Are you going to let me have the tape now, sir? Not just now, Cambridge, no.
Fine, fine.
Yes, see you then.
Goodbye.
Table for two, 9:00.
Right, turn them on, Mrs.
Crabbe.
Oh, my God, the tureen´s still in the fridge it´ll be freezing! I´ll get it out.
No, no, you carry on.
I´ll get it.
Where is Henderson with that canape? Henderson, where the hell have you been? Keep your hair on.
The van wouldn´t start.
Do you realize Oh, my God, it´s 20 past 7:00 can´t be! Seven bookings so far, so at least we´re not going to be empty.
Higgins, get a move on we have the first customers due in 10 minutes! I´m going as fast as I can.
Don´t, don´t, don´t don´t forget the glasses for the red wine as well.
Henry, for Heaven´s sake, go away! You´re making matters worse.
I can hear a car.
They´re early.
How inconsiderate can you get? It´s a disaster! Tell them to go away.
Tell them tell them we´ve been flooded.
Tell them we´ve had a fire.
May I suggest Mr.
Crabbe, return to the kitchen.
Mrs.
Crabbe, help Linda, and I´ll greet the customers.
Yes, yes.
Now, you all hear that? I want everybody to do exactly what John says.
Higgins! Come on, come on! Margaret.
The lights! Ow! Good evening.
Sitting them down, now.
Good luck, Mr.
Crabbe.
John´s handing out the menus very good.
Ordering drinks.
So far, so good.
That woman´s frowning at the menu.
What´s she frowning for? It´s a perfectly good menu.
She´s just reading it, Chef, relax.
Oh, God, get me through tonight, and I swear I´ll never complain in a restaurant again.
Well, up to a point.
Two soup, one tureen, one smoked eel, two pie, two chicken.
Right, then.
Let´s get on with it.
Two Gooseberry Fools, one Stilton.
Table 3 says it´s the best omelette they´ve ever had.
Table 6 wants your steak and kidney pie recipe, and Table 5 wants to know where you get your potatoes from.
Cambridge! What are you doing creeping in the back door? Go into the dining room.
Dinner´s on the house.
Mr.
Fisher´s in there with Barry Simmonds.
Ah.
Mr.
Crabbe, there´s a gentleman on 2, Mr.
Fisher, he´d like to speak to you.
Yes, all right.
Ah, Steve, can you manage for five minutes? There you go Cambridge, help yourself to a glass of red wine.
Evening, sir.
Sir.
I believe you have something for me.
Yes, uh, I´d like to ask for something in return, I´m afraid, sir.
I´m disappointed in you, Crabbe.
I didn´t think you´d exploit the situation for your own end.
No, no, no, not for myself.
I want some assurances about Shipley.
About Shipley? Yes, I want no charges to be brought against him.
Give him early retirement.
Medical grounds, job-induced stress, something like that.
On full pension, and all the help his family need until he can get himself sorted out.
Well, how about giving him a medal into the bargain, eh? The man´s a troublemaker.
He´s destructive, and I don´t just mean to himself.
I should know, I´m the one he´s been trying to smear.
Well, if that´s your attitude, I´m afraid I can´t help you, sir.
All right, Barry, calm down.
Crabbe´s right.
I would agree a Christian charity is called for, in this case.
Shipley´s our responsibility.
After all, he´s one of our own and, uh, we have to look after our own, don´t we, Crabbe? Now then Is there anything here that isn´t swimming in saturated fat? And about time, too.
That was great.
They ate everything.
And they came back for more.
It´s Mr.
Crabbe.
He´s got the gift.
Where is he, anyway? Are you all right? There was one particularly chilling moment when I was stuck in that hotel.
I was sitting there, listening to Shipley obsessively moaning on about Chief Superintendent Barry Simmonds, and I had a sudden vision of myself, embittered, obsessional, moaning on about Fisher.
Well, God knows, you´ve got enough to moan about.
Yeah, well, Shipley´s way of coping with it was to create this fantasy world of corrupt coppers out to do him down.
And it occurred to me, maybe that´s what the restaurant is, a fantasy, bit of wishful thinking, to make up for all the disappointments.
Come on.
They want to share a drink with you.
It was a great success, Henry.
We made £625.
43.
That is not a fantasy.
You never counted it already.
I´m an accountant when I see money, I count it.
Do you think it went well tonight? No, really, honestly, and truly? Yes! That´s my only egg for three days you´ve just broken.