Platonic (2023) s01e02 Episode Script

1
[ELECTRIC BUZZING]
- [SYLVIA] Hi, babe.
- Hi. Mmm. [KISSES]
[TICKING]
[TICKING CONTINUES]
- [KNOCKING]
- Oh! Oh!
I've still got 23 seconds left!
- [TIMER BELL DINGS]
- [BEEPING]
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
- [DANCE MUSIC ENDS]
- [KNOCKING]
One second, Simon!
[YELLING, GRUNTING]
- Awesome.
- [KNOCKING]
- [SYLVIA] Okay.
- One minute!
[GRUNTS]
Five minutes is up. Let's go.
[MUMBLES]
Hold on. [MUMBLES] Oh Hold on.
- [MAEVE] Mmm.
- Okay. Hold on.
[MAEVE MOANS]
[SYLVIA] Oh, my God. Okay, great.
Here. Let's get That's dirty.
Quick, quick, quick.
Quick sticks. Quick sticks.
- Okay. Here we go.
- [SYLVIA] Do you need this?
- I'm seeing that house again today, babe.
- Right.
The one with the five bathrooms?
One for every single
member of this family.
Can you imagine? I mean,
I didn't know that was a
thing. It's like a château.
We're gonna have more bathrooms
than we know what to do with.
What do you care? You shit at work.
- We don't say "shit."
- You're right, I'm sorry.
Well, you know what? When we move,
I will shit at home like a king.
Shit, shit, shit.
- Don't say "shit."
- Where's the baguette?
- What? What baguette?
- I need a baguette
and a beret for French
class. Where are they?
What? I This is the first I've
heard about a baguette or a beret.
- Oh, my God. Mom.
- What? I didn't
I didn't get an e-mail from Ms. Lauren.
Did you hear about the baguettes?
- Sorry, I didn't. I gotta go.
- Or the beret?
- Okay. See you.
- Good luck.
- You can't close it because
- I'm gonna fail!
- Take this guy out.
- All right, buddy.
- I am keeping it. I I want it!
- Okay. But you cannot close your bag.
- [KATIE] So, how was your night with Will?
- It was fun for, like, 30 seconds.
And then it just turned
into total drama again.
We were literally
screaming at each other
on a street corner at
1:00 a.m. in the morning.
- Oh, my God. Just hearing that
- [CHUCKLES]
makes me feel more alive
than I have in 20 years.
I need to start yelling more.
- Yelling is so primal.
- I know.
Nagging's not primal.
No, it was I'm not gonna
lie, it was a great night.
- Mmm.
- But I can't Like, honestly,
I don't have enough time for
made-up problems in my life.
I have enough real problems.
[INHALES SHARPLY] Like that one.
I'm supposed to see that house
today in Encino for the third time.
And I swear to God if I'm not
gonna buy it, she's gonna fire me.
I told you not to hire Diane
- as your Realtor.
- I know, I know.
She's an office mom.
She's out of our league.
She's wearing a fucking blazer.
- I get it. You work in an office.
- Yeah.
Some of us, we're still
stuck working at home.
Just 'cause I wear sweatpants doesn't
mean I don't have an actual job.
- She's too fancy for me. I know.
- Yeah.
I know that. If we
weren't both parents here,
there's no way she would ever
work with me in the first place.
- Never.
- Hi!
- Diane!
- Don't imitate Don't imitate her face.
- [GASPS] Hi, Sylvia.
- Hi.
[KISSES] Such an exciting
day. We're putting an offer in.
That's right. Today is totally
about buying a house with money.
Because this one put
me through the wringer.
- Guilty!
- We have looked at
over 40 homes this year.
- No.
- I sold Ellen and Portia their home
in one day. [CHUCKLES]
- I heard good things about Ellen.
- Me too!
I told her, "There are no shortcuts.
You can't have square
footage and brand-spanking-new
and location all at a
certain price point."
I know. You were right.
You were right. I was wrong.
And what she got was
an amazing fixer-upper.
- It's
- I mean, it's a project, to be sure.
But now that the little
one's in kindergarten,
it'll be a dream next act.
I finally have the time to do it.
So anyway, listen,
ladies. I'm gonna be late.
I gotta get to Malibu
to show a beach compound.
Can't say who it's for, but
it rhymes with Schminn Liesel.
- [BOTH] Ooh!
- But I will be back
in the deep Valley to see you later.
- Thank you, Diane. You're the best.
- [DIANE] Bye-bye.
Thank you for all your
hard work, your patience.
- Good luck.
- You know what's crazy?
- Oh, my God.
- Schminn Liesel is actually the name
of my great-grandfather from Estonia.
- No. No.
- Papi Schminn. Mm-hmm.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
I thought Schminn Liesel was the
fifth child in the von Trapp family.
- Oh, I've heard that. Yeah.
- Schminnie. Schminnie.
- [PHONE RINGING]
- Oh, dear.
Ugh. So, what else? We think of
doing anything exciting today?
- Oh, my God. It's a big one.
- Yeah. Walk me through it.
Going to pick up
vaccination records for Sam.
First sleepaway camp. Yeah,
it's pretty exciting. Yeah.
- I just love days like these.
- Oh, you mean every day?
- Oh, I do.
- [BOTH CHUCKLING]
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello, Sylvia. It's Will.
It's a terrible emergency.
You have to call me.
[LINE RINGING]
What's the emergency?
Uh, there's not actually an
emergency. I was just joking.
How you doing?
Okay. What What do you want?
Let's chat. What are you up to?
[SIGHS] What W-What's going on?
Okay, fine. I'll tell
you what's going on.
You, uh, left your
credit card at my bar.
Ah, fuck.
If you wanted to hang out with me again,
you didn't have to leave
some trinket behind.
- You could've just asked me to lunch.
- I really I don't have time for this.
- So, lunch?
- No.
- Brunch?
- No.
Dim sum? That's my final offer.
You dim sum, you lose some.
Okay. Goodbye, Will.
Come on. Wait, wait, wait. Don't
you want your credit card back?
You yelled at me on the street in
the middle of the night last night.
Nobody treats me like that in my life
except for all three of my children.
You yelled at me too.
We yell. People yell.
We texted each other after. It's
fine, it's fine. It's all good.
I'm over it. Get over it.
You get over it.
Well, the water's rising, but
I'm too afraid to flush it again.
Uh, I don't know. Plunging might
fix it, it also might make it worse.
Oh, yeah? You should
have a home repair show.
[MUMBLES] I'm so ready
to leave this house.
- You got this.
- Oh, my God. It's overflowing!
- What'd you do?
- Nothing. I was just looking at it.
Oh, no! It's everywhere. Oh!
Why is this my life? [YELLS]
Uh, do you need me to come home?
- Bye.
- Bye. Love you, babe.
- [WATER BUBBLING]
- Toilet!
[SIGHS] Fuck. Shit, shit. No! No!
[GROANING]
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- [KNOCKING]
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Fuck.
- [KNOCKING]
- Oh. [STAMMERS] Coming!
What are you doing here?
- They call it "being a hero."
- [SCOFFS] I don't have time for this.
I am a great man. They
will write songs about me.
- What are you doing?
- I need your help. Can you come in here?
[WILL] Can I grab some
of these, uh, avocados?
[SYLVIA] Ugh.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
I promise you, it's just water.
- Oh, yeah? Okay.
- Make it stop.
I don't know how to make it stop.
[WILL] That ain't good. [CHUCKLES]
Did you do this? Was this you?
- Could you just fix it?
- Yep.
- There you go.
- [SYLVIA] Ah.
- Thank you. Thank you so much.
- There you go. Where's your mop?
Uh, it's in the kitchen. But But
you don't have to do that. [SIGHS]
It's fine. Like 60% of
bartending is mopping.
Thank you. You don't have to do that.
Your house is very lovely. Very homey.
- You mean small.
- No, I mean very homelike.
[SYLVIA GRUNTS] Oh, my
God. There's his iPad. Ugh.
Oh. Secret iPad. Someone watching porno?
- He's eight.
- And?
When I was eight, I was disgusting.
[SYLVIA GROANS]
- Don't put that in there. That's gross.
- Why?
- Why is that gross?
- Because people lie down in there.
- Not gross. You can drink toilet water.
- You could do a lot of things.
- Exactly. Thirsty?
- Please take that
- You wanna suckle on the threads?
- Ew!
[CHUCKLES]
What do you wanna do after
this? You wanna go to the beach?
Get some oysters? Wanna go see a movie?
I can't. I'm busy. I'm putting
an offer in on a house, actually.
Yeah. After I do the final walk-through.
Nice. What's wrong with this place?
Oh, we've outgrown it. It's
too small for the five of us.
There's one bathroom. It's
And Which is flooding.
- Tell me about the new place.
- It's great!
It's, um, you know,
fixer-upper. Needs a bit of work.
- [GASPS] Can I come on the walk-through?
- No.
Please. Please. I'm actually
very good with renovations.
- Since when?
- I redid most of the bar by myself.
- Really?
- Yeah. It was a chicken
slaughterhouse when we got it.
- Get out.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
- We still find feathers and beaks.
I know. Seriously, though. Can I
come? I'll be very helpful, I promise.
Okay. Just don't talk.
- I won't.
- Don't
Just don't talk to me or anybody.
- No talking. Perfect.
- Nope.
So, how often do you see Audrey?
Um, I don't know. Every few weeks.
I, uh
I still have a bunch of stuff I
haven't moved out of the house.
So, you know, I'm periodically
going back there to get some shit.
What? Why?
Just You know. Takes
a long time to move.
Uh, you can do it in a day.
[SCOFFS] It's not just the stuff,
you know. Gandalf is still there.
- Audrey has Gandalf?
- Yeah.
But he was yours first.
You love that lizard.
I still love Gandalf. It's
just She insisted on keeping him
'cause she didn't think I was
responsible enough to take care of him.
Well, that's ridiculous. [CHUCKLES]
He's like your son in lizard
form. You should have custody.
I have joint custody, 'cause
I go see him all the time.
- [SCOFFS]
- What?
- What? You can tell me. Tell me.
- Nothing. I just I don't know.
It's hard to recover from a divorce if
your lives are still totally entwined.
Well, divorce is a messy thing.
It's not like one day you're married,
the next day you never
see each other again.
Have you ever thought that
you leave your stuff there
and she keeps Gandalf so
you two can stay connected
and keep this drama or
whatever it is alive?
Now that you mention it, our
arguments are pretty thrilling.
- And they often lead to sex.
- Mmm.
There you go. There you have it.
Very exciting stuff.
No, thank you.
- We're talking charged fights.
- No, thank you.
- Absolutely not. Nope.
- Is that gross to you?
- Don't "yuck" my yum.
- [STAMMERS] Ew! Stop. [GROANS]
So, tell me about this home. Uh,
what are we talking about here?
- It's, uh It's got really good bones.
- Okay.
Bigger, uh, square
footage. There's a pool.
Great. Is it, like, a full teardown?
Just, like, a kind of
a renovation-type deal?
Mmm. It's not really
a teardown or a flip.
[INHALES SHARPLY]
It's a
It's a former assisted living facility.
- Oh.
- Mmm.
- Closed after COVID.
- [INHALES SHARPLY, CLICKS TONGUE]
- I bet it did.
- Fuck you. Fuck off.
Uh-huh.
- Just a little bit different. Okay? Yeah.
- Interesting. Can't wait to see.
- Hi.
- Oh, hi.
- You made it. So glad to see you.
- Oh, hi. Nice to see you.
And you must be Charlie. At long last.
- Hi.
- It's so nice to finally meet you.
- No, no, no.
- Hi. No.
- This is Will. He's my contractor.
- I'm Will. Yeah. I'm a contractor.
- Oh, great. Glad you came to have a look.
- Professional contractor.
And he's also the host of a TV show
on Nickelodeon called "We Be Jammin'."
- [WILL] Uh-huh.
- Oh, my goodness.
And, um, we teach children
to be confident using reggae.
Oh, haven't heard of it.
Have to check it out.
Charlie couldn't come today.
He was just too slammed at work.
- [SYLVIA] So Yeah.
- This house is gorgeous.
- Unbelievable.
- Yeah.
- The "buttrels." The The All of this.
- Yeah.
- The These, uh, these details.
- Mmm.
What The 1926, obviously?
- Uh, 1986.
- That's what I was gonna say.
- Close. Close.
- It's got the 50-year cycle. You know
So, the interior of the house is
- 6,000 square feet, I would imagine?
- It is 3,500 square feet.
- Meh, I don't know about that.
- Uh, but
- You sure?
- Oh, yeah. [CHUCKLES]
Why don't we check
that? I'll eyeball it.
- Yeah. The lot is 6,000.
- Yeah, we'll eyeball it.
So, it presents as a 6K there.
Come on in and see it.
We're gonna do our fourth,
- and hopefully final, walk-through.
- [LAUGHING]
- Come on!
- [WILL] Praise Jah.
- [WILL] Look at this. [CHUCKLES]
- [DIANE] Yeah.
[WILL] And you got seven chess boards,
which is not easy to find. Even now.
So, keep your mind clear,
this is a whole remodel. Yes.
Wow.
Yes. Yes. This could be the foyer or
Yeah. Nice high ceilings.
[DIANE] Very high, very spacious
- Can barely touch 'em.
- great acoustics. Yeah.
- Yeah, great acoustics.
- [DIANE] Yeah. Uh-huh.
- And it's in a school system here.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
- [ALL LAUGHING]
Lots of railings and ramps
if safety is your thing.
- [GASPS] Look at this. Does this work?
- [DIANE] Yeah, and
[BUZZING]
It does! It works. [LAUGHS]
Could you actually, uh, return that
to its starting position, please?
[BUZZING]
- Thank you. Thank you so much.
- What's this?
- [ALARM BLARES]
- [WARNING ANNOUNCER] Medic. Medic. Medic.
Medic. Medic. Medic. Medi
- [SYLVIA] Jesus Christ. Whoa.
- [ALARM STOPS]
- Everybody loves that button.
- [CHUCKLING]
But you know what? The good thing is,
with the wiring in the ceiling, you
could just put in a sound system
- Oh, yeah.
- throughout the whole
- That is a good idea.
- No, not
- Oh. Oh.
- Uh, yes,
- we've got to clear all this stuff out.
- Well, that works.
- Yeah [CHUCKLES] I guess so. My goodne
- That suits you. [CHUCKLES]
- Oh, I would just, um
- I wouldn't sit in that.
- Don't even Don't
- Be careful there. Do
- Oh, no, no. I wouldn't do that. What
- I'm good. It's like a little hammock.
- So, uh So, you're the contractor?
- You got it. [CHUCKLES]
Yes, I've been "contractoring"
for, uh, over a decade now.
[DIANE] And we've never crossed
paths in all that time. [CHUCKLES]
Uh, I think we have, actually.
You just don't remember me.
- [DIANE] I think I would remember.
- No.
- [SYLVIA CHUCKLING]
- [DIANE] Yeah. Uh-huh.
[WILL] Ooh.
- Yeah, so this is my favorite room.
- Wow.
It's got a real East Coast
kind of vibe about it.
Yeah, sort of colonial
hospice, Cape Cod mortuary.
Yeah, I'm gonna knock that wall down
and make this the big dining room
- where we can entertain, and Yeah.
- Nice. Very cool. Very cool.
Does it feel to you like
someone has died in this room?
'Cause it feels to me like
someone has died in here.
- It's irrelevant.
- Not in this room. Yep.
All right. Does all this
stuff come with the place,
or do the owners, uh, plan on taking
it with them into the next realm?
Can you just stop?
Just stop, please. I know
you're having fun, but I
- Enough.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
You're right. [STAMMERS]
It's too much. You're right.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- I apologize. The wood is very nice.
- Uh, that's not real wood.
- Oh, well, great.
And this would be Simon's room.
Oh, it's got a little kitchen.
Every boy's dream.
Thank you.
- This is Frances's.
- [WILL] This one has a full-size fridge.
[GROANS] There's teeth
and blood in here.
But, um, I could contractor that
right out of here, no problem. Easy.
- Yeah, that's easy to deal with. [LAUGHS]
- [WILL] Yeah.
- And this would be Maeve's room.
- Oh, another little kitchen.
[GASPS] What the fuck?
- [SIGHS] Drafts. Just drafts.
- You saw that, right? You guys saw that?
That's happened before?
Let's check out the parlor.
[WHISPERS] That was not a draft.
I mean, the kids will love that.
Love what?
What are you talking about?
[SIGHING] And this would be our bedroom.
Ooh, the primary.
Yeah, and obviously, you know,
we would put up a wall between
the toilet and the bedroom.
And we'd move the
kitchenette, and the IV rack,
and the rubber curtain,
and the rubber curtain rack,
- and the rails, and the safety bars, and
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, and then we'd just put a
- few windows here somehow.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's easy. You just
blow right through that wall.
That is not an exterior wall.
- Look at this.
- [ALARM BLARES]
- [WARNING ANNOUNCER] Medic. Medic.
- Jesus! Sorry. Sorry.
- Medic. Medic. Medic.
- You wanna press it twice.
- Medic. Medic. Me
- You wanna press it twice. It's
- Looks different from the other button.
- Yeah. [CHUCKLES]
Cool.
Got a poo chair.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah.
- Comes with. Yeah.
- Yeah.
- All right.
- Yeah, I just
- Fix it up.
- Mm-hmm.
[CHAIR WHIRRING]
- Please don't get in that thing.
- I really want to.
- Please. I'm begging you.
- I really, really want to.
Oh, man.
What does, uh What does
Charlie think of this place?
- He loves it.
- Yeah.
But at this point,
he would love anything
that was bigger and
that we could afford.
He'd move into an abandoned
Blockbuster if he could.
Those are all GNCs now, unfortunately.
But, uh, can I be honest with you?
No, please, stick to
your usual tact and charm.
Okay, this place, uh, is a nightmare.
And it will cost so much money
to make this anything other
than something that is terrible.
Why don't you move into
somewhere more turnkey, you know?
Isn't-Isn't Charlie a lawyer?
Uh, yeah, but we have
three kids and one income.
And we live in the second
most expensive city in America.
So stop mooching and get a job.
I've been out of the workforce
for 13 years, raising my children.
I can't just "get a job."
- I'll sign you up for ZipRecruiter, okay?
- [SIGHS]
Some of the dumbest motherfuckers on
Earth have jobs. You can get a job.
Look, if we want to get a bigger
house, this is what we can afford.
So, I'm just gonna roll up my
sleeves and fix this thing up.
It'll take a few years,
and then we'll move in.
Yeah, a few years, a few crucifixes.
Listen, we live very different
lives, Will. That's the fact, okay?
You can do whatever you
want and go wherever you want
- with your crazy hats and whatever.
- [CHUCKLES]
Being a mom is basically doing a
lot of things you don't wanna do.
You sound like a robot, okay?
Those are not written rules.
Just bail on this motherfucker.
- What?
- Yeah.
Charlie wants to move.
And the kids are getting
older, and they need more space.
Do you wanna live here?
Of course I don't wanna fucking live
here. What are you talking about?
- No.
- I don't. I It's a haunted nightmare.
Well, then why don't we get out of
here, douse ourselves in holy water,
and tell Charlie that you are
not moving into this place?
I'll tell Charlie if you go to
Audrey's place and get your stuff
and just make a clean break.
This is emotional blackmail.
Because I care about you you're
gonna force me to do a thing
- I don't wanna do?
- I care more about you.
- I don't know about that.
- You need to
- get out of that relationship.
- I don't know about that.
- You need to get out of that girl's house.
- You know what?
You're fucking on. Calling your shit.
- Really? Oh.
- I'll do it. Yes.
- Now, pull the plug. Yes.
- Really?
Tell the scary lady you
don't wanna live here.
- So now I have to do it?
- You do. Right now. They're coming.
- We're on. We did it. We made the deal.
- How I'm supposed
- Go. Say it. Just go.
- I'm too scared.
- Say it.
- Could you say it?
All right, everybody.
- It's paperwork time.
- [SYLVIA] Oh.
I know, I know,
everybody hates paperwork.
But I will make it fun and fast.
- We're just gonna get your name right th
- Ah!
I'm so sorry, I just
[GROANS] I can't do it.
- You got to be kidding me.
- I'm just I'm s
I'm fired. I'm definitely fired. I know.
Let's be honest. This
place is terrible, okay?
I mean, it's a real shitburger.
- It was my dad's.
- [WILL] Oh.
Ah. I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God! Whoo!
Oh, I feel so much better. [CHUCKLES]
I'm not doing mine. Let's not
do mine. I don't wanna do it.
- Let's get ice cream instead, okay?
- No.
- I'll buy you ice cream.
- We are going to do your thing.
- I don't want to. No.
- No. Absolutely not.
- Come on, please. Please.
- Absolutely not.
- We are going.
- It's so final.
- We are going.
- Once I take my stuff out, I will
never step foot in that house again,
- and I hate thinking of that.
- Will, we're going.
We're doing it. You're gonna feel good.
- Oh, fuck. [BREATHES HEAVILY]
- It's gonna be good. Whoo!
She's not home. Looks like
it's not meant to be. Let's go.
Let's go around the side. Come on.
Hello?
[WILL GASPS] Oh, my God.
It's Gandalf.
[SYLVIA] Aw.
- Look at him.
- He looks miserable.
- [WILL] He looks so dejected. So sad.
- Yeah. [GASPS] He sees you.
- Hi. Hi. Hi. Aw.
- [GASPS] He does. Look. Hi.
- Hi.
- He just lit up.
- Aw, he's so Mmm.
- His whole demeanor just shifted.
- [SYLVIA] Hi.
- He lit up like a light.
- Hi, little buddy.
- She's not home.
You just gonna have to call her
and figure out a time to get your stuff.
- Okay? Let's go.
- No, no. We gotta do it now.
I'm gonna lose my nerve.
I need you for support.
- Let's do it right now, okay?
- All right [STAMMERS] but how?
You gotta get on all fours,
climb through this dog door.
- What? No.
- You gotta do it.
- It's the only way.
- You do it.
- I won't fit, I've tried. Trust me.
- Come on.
You gotta be very, very slender
- and fit and flexible.
- Oh. Oh.
- Overall small, long torso, long legs.
- Mmm. Ooh.
- I know what you're doing.
- Very narrow.
- Oh, I like it. I like it. Okay.
- Good. Get through that doggy door.
All right. I can do this.
[WILL] Hurry, hurry.
Don't look at my ass unless
you want to get hypnotized.
With all due respect, I do not.
Just go. Come on.
- Very graceful. Nice.
- [SYLVIA] Yes.
- Look at that. Whoo!
- [WILL] You got it. Yes. Good. Good, good.
Nice. Get the door. Get
the door. Get the door.
- Nice. Good job. Here.
- Yes. Come on.
- [WILL] This way.
- [SYLVIA] Yeah.
Uh, Will, what are you doing?
Audrey, you're you're home. [SIGHS]
Will, you told me that this was
your house. What are you doing?
- What What are you doing?
- [AUDREY] Sylvi
- No, I didn't. Wh
- Sylvia, don't play dumb.
I saw you crawl through the
doggy door on the security camera.
You didn't tell me that you
had a fucking security camera.
You wouldn't have done
that if you knew we did.
I-I Look, in his defense, he's
just trying to come and get his stuff
- and make a clean break. That's it.
- You don't get your stuff.
- I want my stuff.
- You don't get your stuff
because I'm pretty sure you
can find an old hairbrush
and a cell phone charger somewhere else
instead of using it as a pathetic excuse
- to come and stalk me.
- Oh, I'm stalking you now?
[STAMMERS] As if.
What the fuck, Sylvia?
Why are you even here?
Don't you have kids and a family?
I do. Do you Yes, you
remembered. I do, yes.
Well, if you really cared about Will,
you wouldn't pull him into
whatever screwed up dynamic
- you two have from years ago.
- Okay.
You're like a couple of teenage
girls with your stupid nicknames
and the catchphrases
and the inside jokes.
You'd be on the phone
until 4 a.m. all the time.
I was up with a colicky baby. Who
else was I supposed to talk to?
- Your husband.
- He was asleep. We had a system.
Okay, so I was doing the nights
and he would do the mornings.
So I would be, uh, breastfeeding
I don't give a shit.
Your whole thing was so
weird and destructive.
He would invite you to our date nights.
He would wear clothes that
you picked out for him.
What was I supposed to do?
Not set boundaries?
It wasn't good for him.
You know what? Now that we're broken up,
I don't have to listen to your fucking
righteous bullshit
speeches anymore, okay?
Actually, you kind of do
because you're standing
in my dining room
after crawling through the fucking
doggy door like a fucking dog.
- Should we fuck?
- Get the fuck out!
- Get out!
- Do you mind if I use your toilet?
- I'm so sorry to ask.
- Yes, just get out.
Thank you.
Oh, she makes me so mad.
- You did really well.
- Did I?
Yeah, except for the part where
you begged her to have sex with you.
Yeah, that [STAMMERS] in
retrospect, uh, felt a little pathetic.
- Yeah.
- If I had just
She was sending mixed signals, right?
- Uh, I didn't read that.
- Really?
- No.
- Were we not in the same room?
I have something to cheer you up.
[GASPS]
- It's Gandalf.
- Yeah.
- Hey.
- Oh.
- Look, you rescued him.
- Yeah.
- He's already happier. I can tell.
- [GASPS] He looks so elated.
He looks ten years younger.
Thank you. Hello, baby.
- Yeah.
- He's very sweet.
[SHRIEKS] Don't. Don't.
Don't. Don't. Not No.
Back off! Back off. I don't like it.
- Look at him.
- We gotta get out of here.
Can you believe she
said we were destructive?
No. We're exactly the opposite.
- We are constructive. We create.
- We're constructive.
- [SYLVIA] Oh!
- [WILL] Whoa!
[SYLVIA] What happened? Oh. Oh!
- Nice! Yes! Yes!
- Oh, the shame.
- [WILL] Oh.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Audrey.
[WILL] Gandalf is so
jacked up off of this shit.
[SYLVIA] Oh. G-dawg.
[SYLVIA] Okay.
[WILL] All right. Here
we go. This is perfect.
- [SYLVIA] So this is you, huh?
- [WILL] This is me.
- [SYLVIA] This is the hood. Nice.
- This is it, yeah.
It's really nice during the
day. At night, a little weird.
It's a lot of dogs barking
and humans screaming.
And the occasional loud bang
that you don't wanna ask
too many questions about.
- You know what I mean?
- Well
- Yeah, but I like it.
- It's interesting.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, thank you for today.
I don't think I would've had the
courage to say no to that dump
if it hadn't been for your
opinion. So, thank you for that.
[INHALES DEEPLY] Well,
thank you for, uh, you know,
finally making me [CHUCKLES]
cut ties with Audrey
and pull that Band-Aid off.
I should obviously not
be seeing her ever, so
[INHALES DEEPLY] so thank you.
And
- And?
- And
[GASPS]
- Thank you for rescuing Gandalf
- Yes, you're welcome.
- from that terrible environment.
- You're welcome.
- He says thank you as well.
- [CHUCKLES]
Look how elated he is.
[SYLVIA] Yeah. Look at that. [SIGHS]
- Really appreciate it.
- You're welcome.
The thing is, if I'm being honest,
I'm not really cut out
to take care of Gandalf.
You're not cut out to
take care of a lizard?
I'm actually not cut out to take care
of really anything, including myself.
It's a huge reason why me
and Audrey got divorced.
- Will you take him? Please, take him.
- Absolutely not. Absolutely not.
You have an instinct to
protect him. I saw it in you.
Under no circumstances
am I taking that lizard.
[CHARLIE] So, you
were just driving home,
and you thought we
needed a bearded dragon?
Yeah, it was with one of
those lizard adoption things
on the side of the road.
And I My heart just broke.
Really? 'Cause you never
wanted a pet before.
It's for the kids.
- Most people get dogs.
- Dogs are a lot of work.
So you're sure about the house?
You don't wanna go by,
check it out one last time?
No, that house is such a hassle.
- Mmm.
- And Will agreed. He saw it too.
Oh, Will was there?
Mm-hmm. Yeah, he just
came by. Fresh set of eyes.
Oh. [INHALES SHARPLY]
What do you wanna call
him? I was thinking of
- Gandalf.
- No, I don't like that.
- That's weird.
- Yeah?
- What about Jessipa?
- Ooh.
You mean Jessica?
No, Jessipa.
- [FRANCES] She's
- Do you even like lizards?
Oh, yeah, I love them.
Love them.
Look at her face.
- I can tell she loves it here.
- [SYLVIA] Yeah.
[MAEVE] I love Jessipa.