Portlandia (2011) s01e02 Episode Script

- Hi, I'm Bryce Shivers.
- Hi, I'm Lisa Eversman.
And we put birds on things.
And we put birds on things.
Today, we're gonna go to a store on Mississippi Avenue.
Nothing has birds on it, but you what we're gonna do? We're gonna put birds on things.
Spruce it up.
Make it pretty! Thank you.
Put a bird on it.
Putting a bird on this teapot.
It's a bird! Betcha it's flying all over the beach.
What a sad little tote bag.
I know- I'll put a bird on it.
Did you see this bag before? I didn't.
Now there's a bird.
It's flying.
It's free! I'm gonna put this bird right on this card.
It's so pretty.
You like that, ma'am? It's fantastic.
Making a bird on toast.
Put a bird on it! Look at this.
I just sewed this bird right onto the pillow.
Oh, you missed a spot.
Ow- what are you doing? Watch your fingernails.
What about the bird? Am I bleeding? Ma'am, am I bleeding? No, you're fine.
Stop looking at her.
She's fine.
I know she's fine.
I'm not- put a bird on it.
I'm painting a bird on a bird.
Ahh! My eyes! Straight up got dust right in my eyes.
Just paint the bird or whatever it is you need to do, and don't blow on things.
Put a bird on it.
There's birds everywhere, and now you can open for business.
What the hell is that? Please go away? I'm allergic.
Yeah- you're not wanted! Oh, gross! [ Music .]
Carrie: What is it that you call the mayor? Iu it, sir? Fred: Or maybe it's just laid back.
It's just like, "hey, man.
" You know, 'cause he seems so cool.
Right.
Oh- whoa! That's like totally him.
Bianca: Fred and Carrie? The mayor will see you now.
Mayor: So? Psyched to meet you- you're like the coolest mayor we've ever had.
Awesome.
Thanks so much.
Your office is so cool.
Hmm Isn't this awesome? Look at the awards you have.
Yeah, and, oh, this is, uh, this is the latest one we just got.
"Best official website "for cities with populations "under 700,000 in the "pacific northwest area.
" Congratulations.
Yeah, thanks.
Well, I had this one made, and I presented it to myself.
Oh, you had it made? Yeah.
You know, it's the best site out there, anyway- right? Seattle's is the worst.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Too many links.
Oh, yeah, you don't want that.
Bianca tells me you have an idea.
All right, so we have this idea.
Yeah.
We're sort of former musicians.
We've been in bands and stuff, and so we thought like, if we had a city holiday for Portland, and it's "bring your guitar "to school or work" day.
Uh-hmm.
Now, wait-wait- you said you're musicians, right? Yeah.
Yeah.
I've got a little project that I'm working on.
It's really dear to my heart.
I need to come up with a new theme song for a new ad campaign for Portland.
This is where my head is right now.
What do you guys think? You're musicians You said you write music.
I think you might be perfect for this.
To-to write it- we would write it? Yeah, I want it to be about Portland.
You know, all about the inspiration that you get from the city.
We have Bridges, mountains, rivers, nature- all of that.
All of that.
Bicycles- all of that fits in.
One word of warning? Please don't make it like Seattle.
The space needle.
Wooo! Like we've never seen that before.
You got it.
Okay.
Wonderful! This is so good! I'm so glad you came in today.
Yeah, all right.
This is just perfect.
You just made me the happiest mayor in the country.
We work for you.
Good, I'm gonna work on my core.
All right, it's nice to meet you.
So great to meet you.
You're so cool.
Oh, guys, guys, guys, this is like something that's really important to me.
It's indigenous art.
I don't know if it speaks to you musically? But, you know, use that.
I think that is something that is really gonna make a difference in this music.
Great- we'll just bring it back to you? And bring it back to me.
Yeah- that'd be great.
All right- you sold us.
I love my artists.
Sir, thank you.
I support them.
Thank you.
Just one thing.
Don't make it sound like it's coming from Seattle.
Okay, you got it.
Okay? Portland all the way.
Go Portland! All right- thank you! Yay! Bicycle ride- bicycle rides! Bicycles rides- bicycle.
On a bike- on a bike.
Hi, I'm on a bike.
You're gonna turn? You gotta tell me! Watch out! Bike-bike-bike! Oh, cars Man, why? I don't have a driver's license.
I don't need it.
In a bike Lane here.
I get this whole Lane.
Ten feet rule! Oregon state law- ten feet.
Hey, birds! Guys have little bikes? What you lookin' at? I dig that tribal look.
[ Indistinct shouting .]
I hope I get a sunburn.
[ Beat boxing .]
Hold up.
I'm stopping.
I'm stopped.
[ Whistles .]
That means I'm stopped.
Pull your mirrors in.
Slow down- let me go.
Ah, lofts, why? Watch out.
Hey- bike Lane.
Bike Lane! Bicycle rides.
Go vegan! Move, move, move! Move over a little bit.
Got a better place to be? Move! Ow! Bicycle rides Is anyone home? Stuart? St-stu? You home? Please don't be working at the co-op- please! So, this is our new batch of books.
I think we should just kind of go through it, and make sure that it's what we want in the store.
Okay, great! "The new girl order.
" It's a top selling author.
Do we want that in here? No, we want bottom selling authors.
You want to see my impression of Donna? Okay, this is her filing things.
"Oh, you wanted it today? "Oh, okay, well, let me just"- it's pretty good, right? No, it's horrible, horrible impersonation of Donna, and considering that that's your daughter- hi, welcome to "women and women first.
" Hi.
Um, what happened to your pants? They're frayed.
Um, the psu bookstore sent me here.
I'm actually just like getting a bunch of books for class for my women's study's class.
Do you have like a computer system where I can just look it up.
No-no- we're that computer.
We're the computer.
Okay, um, "different daughters.
" "Vaginas: An owner's manual"- slow down.
"Different daughters.
" We carry- if we- we can order that for you.
It'll take a year to get here.
It has to be written.
And who's your teacher? Marilyn Kendall.
Hmm She's a little odd looking, isn't she? I guess.
It's almost like they've made her eyes weird.
They? Don't-don't you think? Who made her eyes weird? Goddesses.
What's the name of the first book? "Vaginas: "An owner's manual.
" Hold on a second.
Wait I'm not looking for your book.
This is something else.
This is employee's rules.
Okay, well, I'm- this class you're taking? You don't need it.
We have classes here.
Abby Dee's queer question.
What don't you take that? I have a pole dancing class that day.
Excuse me? Pole dancing? You have- pole dancing? Exercise? We're about to freak out right now.
We're about two seconds away from jumping up on this table, and kicking everything in sight, which by the way, is our own property.
So, I guess I'll just go somewhere else.
No-no-no.
Let's find these books for you.
I can do it myself.
Oh, we don't want you to do anything by yourself.
We'll help you.
Are you in a rush? Yeah, actually, I kind of have to go.
So Can I do my impression of you? "Yeah, actually, "I've gotta go.
" Oh, that book's on my list.
"Different daughters.
" Oh, can you- can you put that away, please? It's over there.
Every time you point I see a penis.
Oh, I can't reach it.
We'll have to get it for you another time.
It's right there.
I can't reach it.
Can you just get it.
It's like honestly, it's right there.
Let me show you.
Let me show you.
It's right there.
At this time, we cannot get it for you.
I can't reach it.
You're touching it.
Why are you doing that? I'm touching it, but it's not enough to pull it.
I can rest my hand- what's wrong with your hand? This is my full extension.
Okay, can I get it? It's not within reach so let's just- we'll move on.
It's not within reach? No.
Can't reach it- nope.
Nope- I can't reach it.
We can give you this book, we can give you this book, we can give you this book.
I just need this book! We lost another one.
Hey, it's Carrie, please leave a message.
Fred: Hey, Carrie, uh, it's me.
I'm I have some ideas for the, uh, Portland song.
Tell what you think of this Portland community college they sent me a reminder everyone was staring at the Halloween mask that- oh, okay, you get the basic idea though, right? Okay- call me back.
Hey, Fred, it's Carrie.
Uh, I liked your idea for a song- I had one.
I thought we should sing about like people gathering around vegetables and fruits, and it's like Community garden workshop teach me to rake and hoe-oh hey, ah, I was thinking something where a syncopated beat's kinda [ Imitating beats .]
Okay, bye.
Hey, Fred, it's Carrie.
I have another idea for the song.
Native plants.
Natives plants- oh.
Hi.
Hi.
Short term parking long term parking and short term parking do you ever think about how Portland hasn't had like a national tragedy yet? The day the beer stopped flowin' attention-attention let me get your attention the people of Portland- ah-ha fruit carts so cheap fruit carts ha! Thank you.
Professor says get an education he's right Professor says I'm gonna tell you what's right Portland we got it goin' on [ electricity surging .]
Anyway, um, I need to call you back.
I am not I am not a business man and that's why I will stay in Portland Oregon okay, can you pick me up, please? Thank you- bye.
Hi.
Sorry, I'm late.
That's okay.
Everything sounds great.
The Mayor's gonna love it.
Absolutely.
Dave, do you see that dog over there? - Oh, yeah, what's the deal? - Who does that? Who puts a dog outside? Does that belong to somebody? We gotta ask around.
Yeah.
Excuse me.
Sir, is that your dog right there? Okay.
Hey, guys- we're looking for a dog owner.
It like a white and brown dog.
For real We got an owner on the dog? Huh? There's an animal tied up to a piece of metal.
I'm sure it wasn't born there.
How can you guys just sit there eating.
If the Titanic was sinking right there, would you just ignore it? While you guys are eating, I'll not be able to eat until this is resolved.
Hi, have you seen this dog? Are you the owner? Have you seen this? Guys, come on! Hello! Is anybody listening? This dog will not be a bait dog in a fight ring.
Baby, come on.
Fine.
It's okay.
She's upset.
Cath is upset.
I'll tell you something.
We want our ice tea and our orange juice just like you do.
He fainted? Oh, poor thing.
Where's the waitress.
Hey- ma'am.
I mean, we don't really carry dog food.
Ah, what do you think of fried stuffed olives? A dog portion of it? I can tell right now, we're gonna want the meatballs braised with tomato.
I want you to leave off the Rosemary.
Ah, let's get these skillet mussels with drawn butter.
Seared butter- are you getting all this? You aren't writing anything down.
It's- I can remember it.
Really? Yeah.
What's the second thing we ordered? You ordered the braised meatballs.
Gosh, she's good.
Yeah, you're good.
You're very good.
You know what that dog would say right now to you guys if he could speak? He would say, "ruff" and "blah" and "rah-rah-rah.
" And ask some of the people who work in the kitchen, if-if this dog belongs to them.
We don't really bring dogs to work.
Well, maybe one of the dishwashers? You could say something like, "[ speaking Spanish .]
.
" Oh, I mean, they speak English.
The dishwashers? Yeah.
We speak Spanish.
We like we travel a lot.
Went to Ecuador.
I am really, really sorry for what you're going through.
Okay, please, set it down.
Set it down immediately.
Immediately! You know what? He doesn't like it.
Take it away.
This smells metallic to me.
No, no, please.
We don't want the water or anything.
Dave, I'm freaking out.
I'm freaking out! Calm down- calm down.
Calm down.
You know what we're gonna do? We're-we're gonna let him go.
Let him go.
Please? You're gonna have all kinds of experiences, and meet all kinds of dogs.
There's some good paths out there.
There's one path that goes right up the hillside.
It's so pretty, you won't even believe it.
And when you're thirsty, you can drink from any lake you want.
Imagine the biggest lake in the whole world.
The ocean.
You can just drink the whole thing.
Bye.
You're free.
Run it out, buddy.
You're free, soldier.
Where's Tucker? I don't know, sweetie? Hi, um, did you happen to see a dog? We did see a dog actually.
You did? Okay, what-what, did you see where he went? He went that way? We-we had to let him go.
Is this some kind of joke? No- who puts their dog on a pole like a stripper? Who does that? Everybody puts they're- wait a minute.
Who are you people? We-we were just gone for a few minutes.
Okay, how- a few minutes is like a month in dog years.
Well, it's-it's, we went to get cookie- we took your dog off the pole 'cause it was choking.
Now get out of my face.
I wasn't in your face.
Get out of her face, man.
She was- listen, uh, hey, where-where you going? Did the right thing.
I'm calling the cops.
So tired of people.
Hi, Jordan.
No, Jordan, hey- no crying's for girls.
Quiet down- this is ridiculous.
Let's go.
No crying.
We don't need to cry, jord.
I'm not crying.
[ Moaning .]
Nina: Lance, um, that was kind of rough, and I feel like when we do this like, if I want you to stop, like maybe we should have like a safe word or something.
You know what I mean? Lance: What you talkin' about? I, ah, just saying instead of saying "stop", I just say the word.
Like what? Well, Lisa and Bryce have one.
I know Like [ Gasps .]
How about "cacao?" That's kind of a cool word, "cacao.
" Yeah.
That's fine.
Okay, so if I ever say "cacao," that means hold off and stop.
Okay? I get it.
It doesn't mean I don't love you, and it doesn't mean that I don't want to try things.
Okay? I hope not.
Be a brave girl for me? All right.
[ Music plays .]
Cacao.
Sorry.
Cacao.
Cacao.
Oh, row your boat.
Oh! Cacao.
Like Sophia wanted my birthday party at that hotel.
Cacao.
And I told everyone, "okay, you can show up "as long as you make a-" cacao- and my teacher- cacao- showed up, and he was like, "oh, you're different now.
" And I was like, "yeah, "I'm different-" cacao.
That's what happens to people like they get more mature.
Cacao.
There's no parking there.
Cacao- but all they have is valet parking- cacao- and when he asked me to park cars- cacao- I'm like I'm not- cacao- I'm not, I'm not gonna- cacao.
I'm not gonna park- cacao I'm not gonna- cacao.
I'm sleeping.
I was riding my harley the other day, and I went around this corner.
There was this lady there.
Watch splashed up on her.
She got so wet.
God, she was just dripping wet.
[ Cell phone rings .]
Oh! Lance, Lance wait.
Cacao.
I didn't even try anything.
No, cacao to leaving.
Cacao to not being in my life.
Cacao to cacao.
Come upstairs to bed.
And this time no cacao.
Cacao no more.
[ Music .]
Oh, thank you! Eh, that's song was called "cacao.
" This next song is called "vanilla.
" That's great news.
So Tucker is safe and sound? Oh, thanks for the call.
Okay.
Bryce: Ah, Mr.
mayor.
Lisa: Hi.
Hey! We have a song.
Oh, my God! I'm so excited.
This is good.
Oh, uh, did you bring back the, uh, inspirational sand print? Uh, yeah.
Yes, I did! Here you go.
Good-good-good! Yes-yes! That's very important.
This is so exciting.
Well, we're pretty psyched about it.
We included everything.
And the mix is really good, too.
We have this engineer like he really knows what he's doing, so It's track one.
Do I need to do anything with that or- it should just come up, right? Yeah.
Is this a, um, cd-minus-r or cd-plus? I bought a cd-cd minus-r.
Cd- oh, really? Yeah.
Because one of them doesn't play on this computer.
I can't remember which one it is.
You know what we should do? We should just get a cd- Sam, do we have a cd player? Let's just get a cd player.
Sam: No cd player.
Oh You know what? I have it as an email.
I have it.
Oh, that would work.
Do you have wifi here? Sam, do we have wifi? Yes.
What's the password? Ah, it's, ah, capital, c-I-t-y "O" with a slash through it, "f," a dollar sign instead of an "s," e- s-9-7-5-4-2- password's too long, we've got to change that.
Fire wire over to me, and I fire wire over to this- what kind of cables do we have? Do we have fire wire? Who's got the other side of this? Who's got the other side- you have it on your computer.
Is there a way you can get it from your computer to the speakers? That-that's what we're trying to do.
Sam, do we have any headphones- anyone go on jet blue recently? Maybe they give you those headphones for two bucks.
We should save those.
If I could get these speakers out- you know what, this adapter's not on.
Can you email me the file? Why not email it to him? I can only send it as a picture.
Oh, good.
Hey, your email just came in.
Oh, perfect.
It looks like it's got a virus.
What? Shut down.
Close every window.
You know what? Donna has instruments here.
We have a guitar.
You just wanna play it live? I mean, I love live music.
Sam, check with Donna.
See if she's got that guitar in her office? That's perfect.
Thank you.
Drums Ah, there was that marching band in here last week.
That's the one I was thinking with the beavers.
Oh, this is perfect.
We're in business.
What do we need? Plug in.
Okay, so this is what the song sounds like.
Ready? Okay, count me up.
One-two-three-four.