Pramface (2012) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Exams are over, life begins! Life begins.
Sasha's party is going to be a generation-defining event.
You have to be there.
You are not going out.
Why don't you chuck me out, like you did with Dad? Oh, my God, it's like Narnia but sexy.
The girl from last night? We did it.
You are pregnant.
This one even thinks it's twins.
Did you even use protection? Of course I did.
I used a condom.
Yeah, but it really didn't look like you had it on right.
How old are you? 16.
Arggghh! Oh, my God.
I'm a rapist.
I'm a pregnant rapist.
You're not a rapist.
I'm 16.
And I consented.
A lot.
Towards the end, I'm pretty sure you did too.
Oh, OK.
This is such a mess.
I'm going to go.
But you asked me to come here.
That was when I thought you were 20.
Right now, I'm an ice cream and a zoo trip away from being on a register.
So, what am I supposed to do? Get back on your BMX, go home, and just forget about the whole thing.
Hey, I didn't come here on my BMX.
My mum gave me a lift.
Come on, quick! So? He was 16.
Oh, little bastard.
What am I going to do? It's going to be all right because I have got you these.
No, I'm not ready to talk about this yet, Danielle.
Laura, you should at least consider it.
I know.
Oh, God.
I just didn't think that I'd be the one having the abortion.
Yeah, I know.
My money was on Naomi Rushbrook.
Naomi Rushbrook.
Yeah, exactly.
What a slut.
Not that you're a slut.
God, that's what people are going to say about me, isn't it? No.
Well, actually, yeah.
But they weren't there.
I know you're not a slut.
Maybe they can fit you in tomorrow.
Yeah, OK.
Yeah? Because it's not just you this affects, you know.
What about me? I don't want to go to uni without my drinking buddy.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
See, your irresponsible actions have real consequences.
Yeah, I've noticed.
Oh.
Jamie's out somewhere but Mike's upstairs if you want him.
I'll wait.
All right, Beth love.
You know, Mike's upstairs? Yep, so I heard.
Off to work.
You asking or telling? Telling.
OK, see you later.
Have fun.
Unlikely.
Is it his birthday? Wedding anniversary.
Oh, right, doing anything nice? I'd be very surprised.
Keith's forgotten our anniversary for 14 years straight.
Oh, right.
Sorry.
No, it's all good.
As long as I remember and he forgets, I have the upper hand.
This is mainly tactical.
In fact, you should know this.
Look at this card.
Yeah, it's nice.
No, it's not, it's awful.
However, Keith is a sucker for anything with penguins.
He will adore this card and that'll make him feel really guilty that he didn't get me one.
Aah.
Then he reads the message.
Two kisses.
I don't get it.
One's casual, three, everything's fine but two No one does two, very unsettling number.
So, consciously he will realise that he's in big trouble and he'll start trying very hard to make it up to me.
Oh, that's clever.
You see, Beth, relationships are basically strategy.
You accumulate small advantages until your opponent has no option but to take you out for dinner.
Why doesn't my mum tell me this stuff? The mystery man returns.
Weren't up to any trouble, were we? Ah.
No.
Come on, Jamie.
Mike's upstairs.
Let's see how his morning went.
Here he comes.
Beth, get out of the shot, I'm trying to capture the moment here.
Capture this.
So, how did it go? Wait, let me see if I can see from your expression.
Just tell us.
It was awful.
She basically said she never wants to see me again.
Yes, jackpot.
She just dismissed me.
What a bitch.
I'm just saying, you should probably respect her wishes.
Yeah, it sounds like you got a free pass, mate.
I don't want a free pass.
I'm willing to take the consequences like a man.
Or, or, or you could avoid the consequences like a smart man.
I think we should just draw a line under it and move on.
It's not like you're going to marry this girl.
Oh.
That's brilliant.
If I propose.
If I do the right thing, she can't just ignore that.
No, no, no.
You can't do that.
I was saying not marry her.
Not.
No, no, no, it's perfect.
No, it's not.
Yeah, I mean she'll turn me down, she hates me.
But if I show that I'm willing to marry her, she can't just write me off.
And what if she says yes, Jamie? Where will we all be then? If she does say yes, I'm best man, right? So, Janet, Alan has said that he has regrets about his actions.
Yeah, well, so he should.
Can you tell us, what are you hearing when he says that? I'm hearing that Alan is acknowledging that he has regrets but I think his main regret is that he got caught bending his PA over his desk.
I don't think that's what he's saying.
I think it is, actually I think Alan is starting to think this is a bit of a waste of time.
No, no, no, this is good.
A healthy amount of confrontation is good here.
Er, naturally, you'll both have unresolved feelings about the affair.
Don't you mean affairs? No, he means affair.
Affairs.
It was one affair.
Well, forgive me if I don't take your word for that.
OK, can anyone see a negative pattern here? I can.
Is it the one where Alan sleeps with people from work and lies about it? Is it the one where Janet is a cold bitch all of the time? OK, let's try and de-escalate for a moment.
Can you remember last week when I asked you both to sit down and draw up a list of positive aspects of your family life? Yes, we didn't really have time.
I did.
OK, Janet, what was on the list? Well, it said Laura, university, her law degree.
Hmm.
Good, good.
Yes, because it's an exciting time for you both, isn't it? And for Laura.
So, for homework, I'd like you to organise an activity around Laura.
Is this something you think you could both do? I can, if he can.
Fine by me.
Yeah, fine.
Fine.
Fine.
OK, good.
Good.
Fine.
We generally say that a good price guide is one to two months' salary.
Do you have anything in a Kinder Egg? What about these ones? Are they engagement rings? Technically, yes.
They're obviously smaller and of a slightly lower clarity.
But still very nice rings.
No, no.
I definitely wouldn't say yes on the basis of this.
I'm not asking you.
But if you thought this was all I was worth, I'd be heartbroken.
I mean, this is supposed to be the happiest day of my life.
That's the wedding.
There's not going to be a wedding.
Yeah, not with this piece of junk, there's isn't.
Maybe it is a little bit small.
It needs to look like I really mean it.
I need to see it on.
Not on you.
If you must.
No, you've got tiny, little, toddler hands, Beth.
I need to see it on a normal woman's hand.
You see, that doesn't look so bad.
Wow.
You've got lovely hands.
I'm not authorised to give discounts.
Yeah.
So, what d'you think? Think Laura'd go for that? I thought you didn't want her to.
No, but, in theory, does it look good enough? Don't ask me and you shouldn't be supporting the diamond trade anyway.
It's immoral.
Actually, all of our rings are certified.
Oh, and you've confirmed that with head office have you, Julie? They run the whole supply chain past you first, do they? I suppose you check the provenence of every diamond to make sure they're not funding African warlords.
Is that how you get your perfect tan, brokering peace deals in Sierra Leone? How many more have to die, Julie? Julie, answer me! Nice one, Beth.
Couldn't you have waited till we'd bought one? And join the web of complicity like the bloody UN? You didn't have to call her a child murderer.
She is a child murderer.
And you're an idiot.
Beth? Is this because I said you got toddler fingers? Come on.
Doesn't matter anyway, even the cheapest ring would have cleaned me out.
Just get online.
Put it on your parents' credit card.
Then you've got seven days.
Pop the question, get the no, send it back and get a refund.
And your statutory rights are not affected.
Can you do that? Yeah, I do it all the time.
That's how comes I got this camera.
Look.
Come here.
What you doing? Come on, Jamie.
You can't put a price on memories.
Memories.
Going in to town? Er, yeah.
So are we.
Oh.
Both of you? Yes.
Together? Yes, we're going to do some shopping.
Oh.
OK, well, have fun.
No, actually, we thought we'd go together, you know, pick up the stuff you need for university.
Oh, no, no.
I can get all that myself.
Thank you though.
Oh, come on.
It'll be fun.
Really? Yes, like a family outing.
Like a family outing, exactly.
Um.
Well, you haven't got anything special planned, have you? No.
No, just meeting Danielle.
Well.
Great.
Hmm.
The more the merrier.
OK.
We're all going.
OK.
Ooh.
Here we all go.
Together.
Cheers.
No, Mum, please.
I don't need any more bed linen.
Laura, we should get going.
We promised to meet Naomi Rushbrook at 12:15.
Yes, we should go, because we don't want to be late for her.
I thought you didn't like Naomi Rushbrook.
I always thought she was a very nice girl.
Thank you for everything, but we should go.
She's only got a 20 minute slot.
Oh.
But we've still got to get your toaster.
Well, that was 300 quid well spent.
Hi, I'm Laura, I have a 12:15 appointment.
Take a seat.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Can't resist a sale.
Oh, yeah, yeah, that's much more the sort of thing I had in mind.
Although I think the phrasing of the question is going to be crucial.
So, as best man, I've written down a few options here.
Ta da! 'Hi, this is Laura, leave a message.
' You promise she's not going to find a better man, especially now she's up the duff.
16-year-olds have a lot to offer.
Discounted bus travel, cheaper cinema tickets.
Oh, this is a good one.
Right, if it she looks like she's not going for it, say you'll throw in a rolling, six-month, quickie divorce option 'Hi, this is Laura' No questions asked.
Laura, it's Jamie, again.
Just in case you didn't get my other messages.
I'd really like to speak to you.
So, just give me a call, please.
No, don't say please.
Just call me, OK? She's just ignoring me.
Right, we're going to have to go stalker on her, bombard her with texts until she calls you back.
No, Mike.
Give it back.
Mike, Mike, give me the phone.
Mike, don't! Jamie, yes.
No, Mike.
Mike! Mike! Don't.
Trust me.
I'm the only one thinking straight in this equation.
I really doubt that.
Open the door.
Someone has to take responsibility here, Jamie.
You'll thank me for this later.
No, I won't.
Mike! Argh! And do you know an approximate date of when you think you may have conceived? Yeah, I think I can tie that down pretty specifically.
Well, initially, we'll take you for an ultrasound scan.
That'll just confirm how many weeks you are into the pregnancy.
Sorry.
It's OK.
It will affect the type of procedure that we use for the actual abortion, if you do decide to go ahead with it.
Sorry.
Sorry.
That's OK, it's fine.
Now, obviously you'll want to take some time to think this all through.
There may be other people you want to discuss it with.
I mean, you parents or partner maybe.
Medically speaking, the sooner you choose, the better.
Sorry, I'm going to turn this off.
Laura, you understand, we can give you all the support you need but the decision has to be yours, OK? OK.
Maybe you should just answer that.
Thank you.
Hello? 'Mike, I swear I'll fuck you up.
' Ah, ah.
It's for your own good! Give.
Give it! Give it! No.
Everything I do is love of you, Jamie.
God, you're strong.
Ah! Something isn't working.
I don't even know why we bother! Don't bother with any of it! Laura! Jamie! What the hell are you doing here? I wanted to talk to you.
Now is not a good time.
Look, I know you think I'm just a kid.
But I want to prove to you that I'm serious.
Oh, my God, what are you doing? The right thing.
I'm asking you to marry me.
Oh, my God, stop being such an idiot, get up! No, no, no, I'm doing this.
Laura, I want you to know that I'm here to support you and be involved and do whatever it takes.
Yes! What? Yes! Yes? Yes, let's get married.
Yes.
A thousand times, yes.
I'm totally in.
Ah! This is the most thrilling moment of my entire life.
Now, what? What do you mean? Well, obviously there's going to be a big wedding.
Well, yeah, eventually, I suppose, but it was more about me Are you saying I'm not going to get my big wedding? No.
My day, my way.
I, er Good.
That's the wedding planned.
Then what? I don't know.
I hadn't really thought that far ahead.
Oh, you hadn't thought that far ahead.
That surprises me, cos this all seemed so well planned.
No, I just wanted to show you that I'm here for you.
Really? Yeah, whatever you need.
OK, I need to find a way of telling my parents that I'm pregnant without them disowning me.
Could you sort that out? Erm.
Also, I need to find a way of supporting myself in university whilst paying for a baby.
Or were you planning to cover that? I hadn't.
I don't know.
No, you don't because you're just a kid and have no idea what the hell you're doing.
Who's that? Don't know.
You know? This isn't some little fantasyland where you can give me a magic ring and suddenly everything will all be OK.
This is real, OK? Erm.
I am having a baby! Oh, she must really hate you.
First you get her knocked up, then you pick the worst way to tell her parents.
Technically, I didn't, she did.
Yeah, can't see what her problem is! Well, at least we all know where we stand.
Apart from your mum and dad.
I notice you haven't told them yet.
Yeah, well, I want to pick the right moment.
Wouldn't want to get the timing wrong on something like that.
Shut up.
Hey.
Where's the ring? Oh, God, I thought her dad was going to hit me so I used one of your lines.
Oh, God, what was his line? What the hell is this? It's a sign of my commitment to you Laura, I mean Laura and our unborn child.
Hers and mine.
Not yours and mine, obviously.
And I'm not saying it's forever, let's just see how it goes.
Oh, and I'll throw in a rolling, six-months, no-questions-asked divorce option.
And that didn't win him over? No! It just made him very, very angry.
He threw the ring away and then chucked me off the property.
Jamie love, can you make yourself scarce tomorrow evening? Uh, yeah, why? By some miracle, your father has actually remembered our wedding anniversary.
Right.
It's so sweet.
He's spent a fortune buying a piece of jewellery online.
Really? Are you sure? I found out when the credit company did a security check to authorise the payment.
He almost pulled it off, bless him.
Aah.
That's so You haven't told him that you know though, right? Oh, no, no, I'm playing along.
But I'm going to do a little surprise of my own.
I'm going to cook him steak, his favourite.
Can't let him outmanoeuvre me, eh? Oh, God, I need to get the ring back! All right, calm down.
Don't go all Gollum about it.
I can't go back.
Everyone there wants to kill me.
Hey, don't worry, Jamie.
I'll get the ring.
After all, it's part of the best man's responsibilities.
Mike, I'm not getting married! Hey, come on, don't give up hope.
Sooo, how did the shopping trip go? I'm sensing it wasn't a total success.
No, it went swimmingly, Jeremy.
Right up until the point our daughter told us she was pregnant.
Right.
OK, so how do we feel about this news? How do you think we feel? We're absolutely furious.
And somewhat disappointed.
Hmm, Hmm.
Yes, well, taking the positives, I suppose there is some common ground there, at least.
You know what, Jeremy? I think our time is up.
Oh, my God.
Yes? Have you got it? Negative, but I have found a lot of weird stuff.
I'm not sure this is the sort of family you want to get involved with.
Why? What's wrong with them? Well, from the case I'm building, I think they may have killed one or more old women.
What are you talking about? Serial homicide, potentially.
We're through the looking glass here, Jamie.
Wait.
I may be compromised.
Abort.
What are you doing? Abort, abort, abort.
They're not even talking to me now.
No, it's a relief.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
Get out, you.
Hold on, something's kicking off next door.
I'm going! Argh! Blimey, San, you look nice.
What's the occasion? Very funny.
You not going to change? Nah, got another day or two left in this.
See you later.
What? Keith, do you not know what night it is? Yeah.
Course.
It's darts night.
See you later.
Hiya, Mike, you all right? Not really.
I've torn my tactical vest.
Great.
Jamie, your mate's here.
See you later.
See ya.
Hi.
I have to say, Laura's dad moves pretty fast for a 70-year-old.
That's not her dad.
Come out of her house.
Is that a seven or a nine? Here you go, boys.
Griddled fillet steak with a beetroot rosti.
And if you need me, I'll be on the couch having tiramisu.
Oh, bollocks.
So, I was thinking of booking us a table Don't bother.
What's this? It's a credit card statement saying that you have spent 600 quid on jewellery.
Can you shed any light? And, before you answer, bear in mind, I still have one dart left.
I've no idea what this is.
Oh, come on, Keith.
It came to this address and I never use that card.
Who else is going to spend 600 quid on it? Oh.
So, you start, yes? Hmm, yes.
And you can just jump in when you think.
It'll be fine.
Oh, we're not going shopping again, are we? Now, we've had a chat and discussed all the options.
And we want to deal with this together.
Now, your dad's been on the Internet and he's got lots of information.
Now, it's entirely up to you, you can go NHS or private, we'll cover everything.
It might be better not to go through the family GP.
Jim Norris is a good friend.
Hmm.
Obviously, there is a time limit.
Completely up to you, darling.
But when you've made your decision, just let us know.
Why does everyone keep saying that to me? Everybody keeps saying it's my choice and you all tell me what to do.
If you're all so bloody pro-choice then just let me decide.
And what do you want to do? I don't know what I want to do! I don't know what I want to do.
OK? That's my decision.
I don't know! Oh, shit.
You idiot.
I know.
I should have told you, but I was trying to do the right thing.
Oh, come here, you dozy sod.
It will be all right.
Oh, that poor, bloody girl.
What's her name again? Laura.
Laura.
I'm sorry if I've let you down.
Say something.
Hey, come on, son.
We all make mistakes.
It's not exactly like you were planned either.
Oh, great!