Private Schulz (1981) s01e02 Episode Script

Goodwill is close to the German heart.
This year is no different, even though we live under the shadow of war.
The nation celebrates, taking a lead from the Führer.
But relaxation at home must be purchased by eternal vigilance.
And our defences stand fast against the senseless aggressor.
So let us join in sending greetings to our men in the field, to every Hans and Johann, Peter and Fritz.
The German nation is behind them.
And at this Christmas time, the eternal message "Goodwill to all men" is extended to friend and enemy alike.
Though to our enemies we would also say, "There can be no victory against the German might, "which rises invincible and will never be crushed!" And to our friends, "Keep faith.
"Peace is at hand.
Germany will be triumphant.
" Anything you need, just ask for it.
Remember, SCHULZ, forge for the Führer.
I shall make it my watchword, sir.
That's what I like to hear.
We'll show these defeatists in the technical section of the SS.
We'll forge millions of five-pound notes, every one of them perfect.
Well, as long as they're not all the same, sir.
We really do need those serial numbers.
Don't you worry about that.
We've got an agent in London working on it.
This had better work.
I've given the Führer my word.
- Oh, you can rely on it, sir.
- Oh, by the way, from now on, I want you to resume your listening duties at the Salon Kitty.
Schumacher here has been standing in for you.
Oh, must I, Major? There's never anything of value to report.
That's an order, SCHULZ! Schumacher knows what an order is, don't you, Schumacher? - Yes, sir, an order is - Oh, shut up, Schumacher.
That's an order.
Besides, SCHULZ, patience is everything in espionage.
The night you don't listen in on one of those bedrooms Right, Schumacher, back to Berlin.
Move! "Forge for the Führer.
" He'd forgotten it was me who suggested this whole counterfeiting operation.
And my thanks? Return to duty snooping on the sex lives of senior officers in the bugged bedrooms of the brothel known as the Salon Kitty.
Gentlemen.
Make yourselves at home.
Well, come and sit down, anyway.
Relax.
They were the crème de la crème, these men.
The finest forgers Germany could muster.
And between us, we were setting out to try and ruin the British economy.
Now, you all heard what the Major said.
We're here to produce a great many of these.
English five-pound notes, or rather perfect copies of them.
Perfect? Good enough to fool the Bank of England.
Look, Solly says you're a friend, so can I be frank? Go ahead.
I'm not complaining, you understand.
I'd rather be in Barracks 19 than having them kick my head in somewhere else.
Maybe I'll even forget I'm in a concentration camp sometimes.
So whatever you ask me to do, I'll do.
No arguments, nothing.
Only what you're asking can't be done.
Well, in the first place, you have a paper problem.
It's been solved.
You ordered a couple of reams, maybe, from the Bank of England? Solly partly solved it years ago.
He found a high-quality linen in Turkey that exactly matches the linen this bank uses.
And there's a paper works in Stetten has worked out the formula for making the paper up.
With the watermark impressed? With the watermark.
The paper'll start arriving shortly.
Now, what about the ink? The dyes are being analysed by a chemical works in Stuttgart and they're very close to an answer.
And then you come to the most difficult part of all.
The numbering.
And the cashier's signature, date of issue and the serial number must coincide exactly with the date and series already issued by the bank.
Now, nothing less will do.
Well, if you're just going to print a few and skip the country quickly, it doesn't matter.
But you're talking of thousands.
No, my friend.
Millions.
Then how will you find the correct numbering system? It will be done.
That's all I can tell you.
All the technical problems will be solved, I promise you.
The rest is up to you.
I don't know.
Happy New Year.
Well, if you buy government bonds at 87 and a half, which is where they stand now, and you hold them for three years, and at a rate of three percent, you make, oh, 21 and a half marks, or nearly 22.
5%, which is a very good return on your investment.
And you can keep all of that in your head, Professor? Yes, my little one.
But I didn't come here to practise my arithmetic.
Oh, I wish I were as clever as you.
You don't have to be.
If I looked like you, I wouldn't have to be, either.
Um, do you Do you think I should? - Mmm? - Buy 3% government bonds at 87 and a half? Why not? You can't lose.
My little dumpling.
Shall we go upstairs? Do you think the war will be over soon? It could be over by next summer, perhaps.
Oh, they said it would be over by Christmas.
No, no, no.
No, my little dumpling, it could never have been over by Christmas.
How can you be so sure? I'm in a position to know.
I, um I hear all sorts of things.
A position to know? Oh, how intriguing.
Are, um Are you engaged in secret work? Oh, my dear, Bertha.
Are you? I think you are a spy.
You are.
Admit it.
Come on, admit it, you are a spy.
Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.
Ah Ah, yes.
Well, I always knew you weren't just a professor of mathematics.
Oh.
Oh, you naughty, naughty boy.
And what sort of work do you do, hmm? Now, come on, tell me.
What are you laughing at? - You! - Me.
Why? Because you're the prettiest, sexiest, most seductive and clumsiest detective I've ever seen.
- What do you mean? - Oh, come on, Bertha, - take this off.
- No, no, tell me.
What do you mean? - My dear Bertha, you're priceless.
- Well, how am I priceless? You know that I work in the code-breaking department of Military Intelligence.
You know, because Major Neuheim knows.
And Major Neuheim is such an ass, he thinks a man has only got to get on top of you and then he'll tell you everything you want to know.
That's not true! My dear, I even know you've got this place bugged.
Do the SS really think we're such fools in Military Intelligence? I mean, look.
I even know there's a little man in the basement with ears on stalks, hoping to hear some tale that Neuheim can go running to the Führer with.
Little man in the basement, go home.
I suppose everybody knows.
I don't know if everybody knows, but we know.
And you can tell that idiot Neuheim from me, that the electrician who wired this place up for him was working for us.
Oh! You're not angry with me, Bertha? Mmm? I only told you because I hate to see you making such a fool of yourself every time I come here.
You just aren't trained for this kind of work.
Oh, come.
I've got a little present for you.
Mmm, some petrol.
- No.
- Ah! A can of petrol.
Oh, well! At least I don't have to go through all that again with you.
Mmm.
Forgery isn't so much difficult as vastly complicated.
It's a double operation, paper and what you print on it.
Our first step in making the plates was to blow up a genuine English five- pound note to many times its normal dimensions.
From this, we painstakingly made an exact copy twice the size we wanted.
This was then photographed, reduced, and eventually chemically etched onto the plates.
The paper had to be spot-on, too.
Weight, texture and watermark all absolutely perfect.
The Bank of England wouldn't be convinced by anything less.
As I say, complicated, but not impossible.
And we were achieving it, bit by bit, except, that is, for the serial numbers.
They were the responsibility of the technical section of the SS.
And I had no control over what they did.
Why the hell are those men standing around over there doing nothing? Oh, they're being punished, sir.
They've been there three days already.
Oh, that's all right, then.
We're using a photo-engraving process, sir, to produce the prints.
Good God.
How does it work? Well, that's a genuine standard English five-pound note.
We blow it up that size so that our copyists won't miss the slightest curl or twist when preparing the artwork.
That's what these men are doing here.
SCHULZ, this is much too big, you know.
I was coming to that, sir.
Look at that.
The ink's still wet.
When the artwork is finished, it's photographed on this machine over here.
And it's from this that we get a negative.
- Please don't touch, sir! - Good God, what is it, man? - Dangerous chemicals? - Fragile, as a matter of fact.
Is that all? It's gelatine covered with an emulsion of silver salts.
It's from this that we get the prints, which you put onto plates like these.
These metal plates then become the prints.
All these experiments have been extremely successful, sir.
Oh.
- Don't wash your hands, sir.
- Why not? It's acid.
Now, why couldn't the technical section of the SS have done all this? - It looks simple enough.
- Well, it's not that simple.
You see, there's no emulsion known that will exactly duplicate the depth and shading of the lines.
I see.
Why not? Well, it's in the silver particles.
They're of an irregular shape and they produce lines that look jagged under a magnifying glass.
Yes, but wait a minute.
Are the Bank of England really likely to do that? - Use a magnifying glass, sir? - Mmm.
Yes, sir.
They're a very suspicious lot, the British.
I mean, sooner or later, they're going to wonder why there are more five-pound notes in circulation than they had printed.
Yes.
They're a very suspicious lot, the British.
You're in my way.
Well, we must get over this little problem of jagged lines and magnifying glasses.
Well, that's where Solly and the team come in, sir.
They've retouched the plates.
It's unbelievable, the transformation they can work on them.
I'm delighted to hear it.
Oh, look at that.
Would you like to see the paper, sir? It's amazing.
The watermark's perfect.
It's amazing.
The watermark's perfect.
Some come out better than others, sir.
This is Solly.
He's a perfectionist.
Is he? Well, all things considered, you seem to have everything very much under control.
Yes, sir, we've solved all of our problems.
- Then we're all ready to start printing.
- Except one.
What's that? - The serial numbers, sir.
- Numbers? Well, the whole operation does depend on them.
Oh, that's right.
I knew there was something I had to tell you.
Our agent in London has reported that he's made a contact inside the printing works of the Bank of England.
I have every confidence that the relevant issues will be in our hands shortly.
Forge ahead! Carry on.
What did he want? He's just checking everything's on schedule.
Everything's on schedule except him.
Where are the serial numbers? Look, Solly, how soon can you get a good first print? That depends.
- Why? - Well, I want to keep him happy.
I want to keep them all happy.
I don't want them suddenly losing interest.
Nobody's going to work faster than he needs to.
Have you thought what's going to happen to all of us when we finish our work here? Look, the most important thing is to prove it can be done.
Then they'll commit themselves to mass production, then we can take all the time we like.
Then you'd better get those serial numbers, quick.
You fools! You bungling idiots! Is that section of yours good for nothing at all? It's the sort of thing that could happen to anyone, Major.
No! It could only happen to you, and that section of yours! You've ruined everything! Do you know that? Everything.
- We can try again.
- It'll take weeks to get an agent into the position that man was in.
And by that time, the Bank of England may already be alerted to what we're doing.
The alarm bells may already be ringing.
- It's unfortunate.
- Unfortunate? Your whole section's unfortunate.
First you tell me it's impossible to forge English five-pound notes.
Then when I show you how, you lose the one man who could have made it all possible.
Our chief agent in London, if you please, has been picked up.
The man who made a contact inside the printing works of the Bank of England has been caught.
And do you know why? Because when these fools forged his papers, where they should have printed an I in his name, they have printed a J.
It's an old German habit, which nobody noticed except an elderly English air-raid warden.
- Was there nobody else? - No one! We've got no one in the position that agent was in.
You can get down to those barracks, wind the operation up and send everyone back where they came from.
Could we invent the serial numbers? It might work for a while.
You could invent them, and I daresay you would.
But you would be the only one fool enough to try and spend them! Well, Major, I have made my report, and now I'll leave.
I must, however, formally protest at being spoken to this way in front of a subordinate.
Oh, formally protest all you like.
What do I care? You've wrecked a major operation with your bungling.
The technical section did point out that this scheme was impossible in the first place.
However, one cannot argue with a closed mind.
Perhaps in future, you will listen to our advice and not the advice of a jumped-up clerk.
There must be something we can do.
You can get down to those barracks and wind that operation up.
We can't just give up that easy, sir.
There must be a way.
- We should - Should what? Remember the bumblebee, sir.
- Are you mocking me? - Would I? Then get down to the barracks and wind it up! Go on! Move! Yes, sir.
There is something we could do, sir.
Do you have any genuine five-pound notes in the office? Heinrich, there's someone to see you.
Mmm? On a Sunday morning, my love? Exactly what I said.
Mmm.
Is it one of my students? No.
He's in the SS.
SS! - What does he want? - He refused to say anything, except he wants a word with you in private.
You'd better show him in.
Well, you'll be late.
I won't keep you waiting long, my love.
I hope not, Heinrich.
Would you come through, please? Thank you, Frau Bodelschwingh.
My husband can only give you a moment.
We're on our way to Mass.
You're most kind.
Good morning, sir.
Who are you? Private Gerhard SCHULZ, SS Intelligence.
We're, um, in the same business, but we work for different firms.
Different firms? I don't know what you're talking about.
I'd be very careful what you say if I were you! What do you want? Well, I need your help, sir.
Oh, you have a personal problem? No, well, it is personal in a way, but it's for the good of the fatherland.
I help the fatherland in my own way.
Why should I talk to a private in the SS anyway? - Well, I do work for Major Neuheim.
- Neuheim! Major Neuheim.
Ugh.
Why didn't that gentleman come himself? And you can tell that idiot Neuheim that the electrician who wired this place up for him was working for us.
Malignant mathematical swine! Well, it's a rather delicate matter.
And I'm led to believe that our departments aren't on the best of terms.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
My department is the Faculty of Mathematics at the University of Berlin.
Excuse me, you'll have to go.
We're on our way to Mass.
You do blow a very good raspberry, sir.
I know, I was on the receiving end of it the other night at Salon Kitty.
We must be going, Heinrich.
My dear, something important has just come up.
On a Sunday? Uh, yes.
Why don't you run along, and I'll join you later? Really, Heinrich.
It's the only time we ever have together.
Well, Professor, why don't we sit down, relax, now your wife's gone to church? Are you threatening me? Yes.
Then I have to tell you that I consider your threats to be empty ones.
You mean Frau Bodelschwingh knows all about Salon Kitty? No, but Neuheim would never dare disclose such information for the simple reason that no one ever again would use his salon.
Yes, that's true.
He wouldn't.
But I would.
Oh, this is outrageous.
I shall never use that place again.
Never.
Oh, don't say that, sir.
I'd hate to be the cause of depriving you of so much innocent pleasure.
I love my wife, you understand.
Yes, of course.
Well Well, I I respect her.
It's just that Bertha Bertha's just so Yes, she is, isn't she, sir? Mmm.
I share your feelings entirely.
I warn you, you'll get no money out of me.
Sir, I wouldn't stoop to blackmailing you for money.
Not on a professor's pay.
- What do you want, then? - Your brain, sir.
And since there's no love lost between Military Intelligence and the SS, this was the only way I could think of persuading you to lend them to me.
I don't follow you.
Well, you will have seen one of these before, Professor.
Mmm, why yes, of course.
It's an English five-pound note.
- What of it? - Now I have to tell you something that will unfortunately put me entirely in your hands.
I hope you won't think of abusing this, sir.
That's hardly likely, since you have a little secret that puts me entirely in yours.
Thank you, Professor.
Well, now I've given us both something to defend ourselves with.
You haven't given me anything, yet.
Well, here it is.
Counter-Espionage, my firm, is going into the business of manufacturing English five-pound notes.
Oh, forging.
Well, yes, you could call it that, and due to my extensive business, uh, experience, I've been put in charge of the operation.
Now, our object is to undermine the British economy.
- Are you serious? - Yes.
Unfortunately, the whole operation is about to flounder on the rock of a single, intractable problem.
We have failed to get the correct numbers to duplicate.
Well, I'm not surprised.
A very closely guarded secret.
It's a clever idea, but I can't help you.
Well, I think you can, sir.
These numbers are not chosen at random, are they? - Mmm, no.
- Now, surely, the Bank of England, like any other national bank, must use a precise system in selecting their numbers.
Otherwise, they wouldn't know where they were.
Mmm, well, what of it? Well, isn't this just a sort of code? I mean, if you knew the system, you'd know the code.
You'd know where it starts, and where it ends.
And surely this would be no more difficult for a man like you to break this system down than it would to break an enemy code.
And I understand you're the most outstanding expert in that field.
It's a clever idea.
Uh, I never thought about it before.
Mmm Mmm, it is a very interesting idea.
I knew it would interest you, sir.
It's more like a cipher than a code.
Obviously, there must be a numbering system.
The dates, the signature, the figures, they must run in series, but there will be breaks.
Then there's the letters.
Yes, now, that is a complication.
How do they do it? Uh, I'll talk to our own bank.
I imagine the principles on which they issue notes and their numbering systems can't be very much different from any other.
That'll put me, so to speak, at least inside the head of the issuing authority, the code makers.
Why didn't I think of that? From then on, of course, it's partly luck, stumbling on a meaningful sequence and so on.
To break a cipher you need three things.
First, a high degree of intelligence.
Second, endless patience.
And third, innumerable variations to play with.
How many of these have you got? Would 400 do, sir? It's a start.
I might need some more.
- Uh, may I keep these? - Yes, of course.
I'll take great care of them.
What's this? This is a receipt, sir.
Would you sign it at the bottom? I'm sorry about this.
It's not that I don't trust you, it's that Major Neuheim doesn't entirely trust me.
Well, he doesn't actually say so, but I usually know what he's thinking.
You know You know, you're a very clever man.
In my opinion, you're wasted in the SS.
Oh, I don't know, sir.
I hope to do rather well.
Well, I mustn't keep you from church.
Mustn't keep Frau Bodelschwingh waiting.
Yes, yes, of course.
I'll start on this this evening.
Yes, sir, if you would, sir.
It is urgent.
I'd be most grateful if you'd give it top priority.
- Absolutely.
- And of course not a word of this - to anyone.
- No, I understand.
- That is very important.
- Of course.
- You are a Catholic, aren't you, sir? - Yes.
You go to confession regularly, I suppose? Well, well, well, what of it? Do be careful what you say.
You never know who you're talking to these days.
Hmm.
I'd won a reprieve for the scheme.
But for how long? Solly and his team worked long hours, perfected the techniques they would ultimately use if and when the serial numbers became available.
Week after week went by.
My only hope was Professor Bodelschwingh.
And that obviously was a rapidly receding one.
All this time I was fighting a rear guard action against Neuheim.
those serial numbers soon, I shall shoot myself.
And then where will you be? And worst of all, it looked as if we were about to win the war.
Contact.
German air power takes to the skies to cover the push through Holland.
Meanwhile, under cover of the bombardment, land forces march in to complete the successful operation.
All Europe gives way before our irresistible forces, here seen pushing resolutely forward from victory to victory.
Veteran campaigners, as they are now, they take no notice of the difficulties.
A bit of mud and rain makes no difference to them.
They only have one idea.
To get through to the Channel.
Peace returns to these war-torn low countries.
The local people can return to their homes, secure now in the protection of the German army.
They're certainly tired of allied bombing, which has been heavy and indiscriminate, as these pictures show.
And the Maginot Line stands deserted, having proved no defence against the Führer's superior strategy.
Churchill's empty boasts look more foolish.
Germany can be proud of her fighting heroes commanded by the Führer's brilliant strategy.
France's vaunted Maginot Line has proved useless.
It can only be a short time till we are raising the flag of the Third Reich in London.
I have the distinct impression, Solly, time is running out.
- For who? - For us.
It's the war.
It's going too fast.
It'll be over soon.
Who'll want English five-pound notes then? No news from your professor? I thought you were a bit optimistic.
Oh, all these highly skilled men.
All this beautiful equipment.
It's a criminal waste, Solly.
We'll never get a chance like this again.
They showed us a glimpse of paradise, but the buggers won't let us in.
I'm not worried about paradise.
That doesn't worry me, you understand.
What really worries me is if they'll let me back into Spandau jail.
I really liked that place.
I've let you down, Solly.
We must get those serial numbers.
That'll be Neuheim, what do you bet? Threatening to shoot himself again.
Barracks 19.
Professor Bodelschwingh, how nice to hear from you.
How's Frau Bodelschwingh? Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Can it be cured? Professor, do you have anything to report? Yes! Yes, that's what I'm calling you about.
Listen.
Fascinating.
Absolutely a most fascinating exercise.
I think I've done it.
I think I've solved the whole problem.
- Are you there? - Yes.
Yes, Professor.
You say you think you've solved the problem? Yes, yes.
I really think I have.
You know, you're a very clever chap.
I think I'm a clever chap, too.
I've made a major breakthrough.
In solving your problem, I've invented a new deciphering technique which could win the war for us.
Let me tell you how it works.
You see, ciphers, unlike codes, are systematic substitutes.
Professor, not on the phone.
My God, you're quite right.
What am I doing? You see, I'm so excited.
Yes, well, we must remain calm.
Icy calm.
Iron self-control is required of us all.
Now, you say you think you've solved the problem - of the serial numbers.
- Yes, yes, I do.
Have you any five-pound notes there? Genuine ones, of course.
Solly, five-pound notes.
Yeah, five-pound notes.
What do you want me to do with them, sir? Well, if I'm right, I should be able to forecast the upper and lower limits of the serial number on the note you are holding if you give me the date of its issue.
This one is July the 10th, 1936.
Just a minute.
July the 10th, 1936.
1936.
The signature should be KO Peppiatt.
July the 10th.
The letters should be AU.
And the serial number should lie between 65002 and 65501.
This is signed Peppiatt.
And it is AU 65389.
I knew it.
I knew it! Have you Have you another one there? Another one.
This one is the 17th of August, 1938.
17th of August, 1938.
1938, the signature should be Peppiatt again.
17th of August.
Ah, the letters should be TK.
And the serial number should lie between 38754 and 38986.
This one is TK 38766.
You're absolutely right, Professor.
I've done it.
We've broken the numbering system of the Bank of England.
Gentlemen Gentlemen, we're in business at last.
- Good night to you.
- Good night, madam.
You're early.
You're not on duty till 10:OO.
- I want to talk to you.
- Oh, not now.
I'm tired.
I've only just got up.
- Bertha - You're not going to offer me forged clothing coupons again, are you? No, of course not.
- Who do you think I am? - I'm not sure.
Anyway, I've told you, I can't do it with anyone below the rank of Major.
Good night, Gerhard.
What about British banknotes? Where would you get British banknotes? Well, never you mind.
Would you take them? - Are they genuine? - Of course they are.
Think I've got my own printing press? - All right, let's see them.
- Not here.
- Downstairs.
- No.
Upstairs, in your room.
All right.
I see you're still in underwear, Herr Krauss.
Who are you? Don't remember me? SCHULZ.
SCHULZ? SCHULZ? Well, I can't have changed that much.
Your underwear hasn't.
No, I don't remember you.
Thank you.
Oh, wait a minute.
Yes, I do.
You're that bloody clerk who dropped me in it.
Listen, this is a respectable place.
There's no riff-raff allowed.
What are you doing here? Didn't you go into Postal Censorship? Yes, that was the idea.
So you've come here to go through the girls' letters, have you? - Very shrewd.
- No, I'm a client.
I've been moved, sir.
Up.
Up? I should think you'd had to have climbed up a bloody mountain to afford these prices.
Even with my contracts, I can hardly afford the place.
Well, let's say I make a lot of money.
For the fatherland, of course.
Yes, rather.
We all do, naturally.
It's our patriotic duty.
Uh, you're not in supplies now, by any chance? Sir? I was just wondering if perhaps the next contract might No, no.
No, no.
Good.
Well, SCHULZ, it's very good to see ex-employees doing so well for themselves.
It shows I've got a nose for talent.
I thought that about you when I first met you, sir.
It's funny.
I've not seen you round here before.
- No, it's my first time.
- Is it? All right, well, get stuck in.
That's what I intend to do, sir.
I regard it as my patriotic duty.
Patriotic duty.
Yeah, that's very good.
Patriotic duty.
Very funny.
Well, enjoy yourself, for the fatherland.
- Where the hell have you been? - I'm sorry.
Well, show me.
There.
That should do it.
Come on.
Oh, can't we do this in a more civilised way? Have a drink first? Gerhard, I think it would be more civilised to show me the money first.
You're so mercenary.
I know.
And you're so idealistic.
May I see the notes? Well, it wouldn't hurt you to have a few ideals, Bertha.
I'm saving up for them, that's why I have to be so mercenary.
Good God.
You seriously don't think they're forged, do you? I can't afford to take a chance.
- Don't you trust anybody? - No.
- Not even me? - Especially not even you.
Especially not even no one.
What are you looking for? Well, the wavy lines show up jagged and uneven on a forgery.
It has something to do with the crystals they use in the photo-engraving process.
Wherever did you learn that? It's in my survival kit.
All sorts of tips.
Yes.
They appear to be genuine.
- I shall need another one.
- Another one? What rate of exchange are you using? The pound's pretty strong, you know.
If I ever have to change these, it'll have to be on the black market.
They'll be subject to a discount.
Can I see that other note? What for? Where did you get it? - From a client.
- Anyone I know? - Why? - Let me have a look at it.
All right.
What are you laughing at? - Nothing.
- It's not forged.
Is it? It's as genuine as the ones I gave you.
Why do you want British banknotes? What's wrong with the German mark? My mother died when I was two.
My father when I was 15.
And he left me 10,000 marks, his life savings.
It was to be my nest egg for when I got married.
Well, that was in 1923.
And 1923 was the year of the great inflation.
One day I got a letter from the bank, returning his 10,000 marks.
Actually, they enclosed a million-mark note.
It was the smallest they had.
And the stamp on the envelope cost five million.
Somehow I never regained my faith in the mark after that.
- Bertha.
- Hmm? Why don't you marry me? What? Why don't you marry me? What for? Well, I'd I'd like to take you away from all this.
But I like it here.
Look, if you married me, I promise you you'd be rich.
I mean, richer than you ever dreamt of.
Oh? And how would you do that? Because I'm involved in a scheme in which I shall literally make millions.
Millions? Well, you keep your millions, I'm happy with this.
Oh, you're just a peasant at heart.
You can't see further than the next crop.
"Wildest dreams.
" I doubt if you've ever had any.
Probably not.
And even if I did, I doubt if you'd be in them.
The trouble is we're both from the same Berlin gutter, Gerhard.
I deserve something better than you and to be fair, you deserve something better than me.
I've waited a long time for this.
Good evening, SCHULZ.
Schumacher, arrest him.
Fräulein, outside.
Do you know the penalty for embezzling funds in wartime is death by shooting? Wait outside, Schumacher.
I'm amazed.
Did you really think you'd get away with it? May I ask, Major, how you discovered the notes were missing? By installing my own system of bookkeeping, that's how.
- Does that surprise you? - No, sir.
Doesn't surprise me at all.
Have a care, SCHULZ.
You'll live to regret it if I have you shot.
Just remember that.
Sit down.
I've just come from the Führer.
He's seen the notes we produced and he's delighted with the whole operation.
In fact, he's given me his personal commendation.
- Oh, congratulations, sir.
- Thank you.
He's also agreed to mass-produce the notes if we can successfully place in circulation in England two million pounds of them.
I think it could be done, don't you? - Place them in circulation? Yes, sir.
- Yes.
And I've decided you're the man to do it.
Really? I thought we were going to drop them out of an aeroplane over England.
We are, we are.
But we're going to drop you with them.
- Drop me with them? - Yes.
You mean jump out of an aeroplane? Yes.
Don't look so glum about it.
They give you a parachute.
Well, why can't we just scatter them out of the plane? Because that fool Fritsch and his Ministry of Economics will get to hear about it, and they're violently opposed to the idea.
Frankly, the Führer can't afford to offend Doctor Funk.
He wants the whole thing kept secret.
So we'll inject them secretly into the British bloodstream.
- You mean, I will.
- Yes.
All you've got to do is to spend the money unobtrusively.
And then get back to Germany, if you can.
Others will then follow.
How do you spend two million pounds unobtrusively? We have thought of that.
It shouldn't be hard.
In the first place, we have friends in England.
They're businessmen and they'll help.
And in the second place, there are many ways of spending money without attracting attention.
On the black market, for instance.
At racetracks and in gambling halls.
You can buy businesses and property.
We'll put you in touch with solicitors.
You could even invest in the film industry.
That's money right down the drain.
And what happens if I get caught? Well, as an enemy agent, you could, in theory, be shot.
And in practice? In practice, you could also be shot.
But then you could be shot if you stay here.
So you wouldn't actually be worse off, would you? You know, I would have thought you would have welcomed this opportunity.
No, sir.
Oddly enough, I don't.
To be perfectly frank, I don't want to go.
I don't understand.
What do you mean, you don't want to go? Well, I can't think of a better way of putting it.
I simply don't want to go.
In fact, I refuse to go.
This is a job for a volunteer.
I'm definitely not volunteering.
Go! Go! Kick, kick! Kick! Kick! - Go! - Oh, no.
Go! Go! You've got your identity card, your ration book, and your gas mask? - Yes, sir.
- Now, don't forget to set the explosive device before you bury the canister.
Then if anyone finds it and tries to open it I'll make sure no one finds it, sir.
They'd better not, SCHULZ.
That canister is your bank.
Two million pounds to spend as you like.
There is your bowler hat.
You've got your cyanide capsule? Yes, sir.
Don't use it unless you have to.
No, sir.
That's very good advice, sir.
Well, good luck.
Don't forget the bumblebee.
I'm sending Schumacher along with you as your dispatcher.
Now that simply means he'll be there to give you a helping hand when you jump.
For Germany and the Führer! The way the war is going in France, we'll be in England before you spend half that money.
A brave man, sir.
Yes.
A brave German man.
Are you quite sure they're still wearing bowler hats in England? Quite sure, sir.
With plus fours? Well, too late now.
We're nearly there.
Get ready.
How do you feel? How would you feel? As soon as you've gone, I'll throw the canister after you.
All right? I've just thought of something.
What? Tomorrow's Sunday.
The shops will be shut.
Go! Go! Go! How now brown cow.
How now brown cow.
Good morning.
A pint of Guinness, please.
A pint of Guinness.
Oh, no.