Q-Force (2021) s01e02 Episode Script
Deb's BBQ
And with the hanging
of this mint condition
autographed photo of Jackée Harry,
our new office is officially complete,
and we are now totally spies.
May you protect us
and watch over us in all your glory. Amen.
Maybe we swap her out for Carmen Electra?
Or someone actually inspiring like that?
When do we think we're gonna start spying?
I'd like to get a chemical peel before
the traditional pre-mission photoshoot.
V is in Buenos Aires and she'll be by
to grab the thumb drive when she's done.
We just need to hang on to it till then.
Man, it's crazy, huh?
All that juicy info
is just on this little thing
and we get to just wait.
You want to break the rules, don't you?
Daddy wants to be a bad baby.
Nuh-uh.
Ooh, I was once in a feature film called
Daddy Wants To Be A Bad Baby.
This time it actually
works out great for me.
Tomorrow's my biannual barbecue with Pam.
It's the biggest social event of the year
for queer women who live south of the 10,
even more sacred
than my Highland Games watch parties.
Man, those white boys
can really throw a tree.
Oh, of course.
Yeah, I completely forgot about that.
Go! A biannual barbecue sounds like
the lesbian equivalent of the Oscars.
And Twink takes
the whole week off for those.
After the whole La La Land thing,
I was actually hospitalized.
So now that we're all feeling vulnerable,
Deb, how come
you never invite us to your things?
Because my wife doesn't know I'm a spy.
And I don't want her to find out
I've been lying to her all these years.
Makes so much sense.
I never should have have questioned you.
I'm gonna examine that.
We've got everything
under control here. Have fun.
And say hi to Pam for me, even though
we've never met and never will.
Sounds good. I'll be totally off the grid.
Pam makes us
put all our cell phones on airplane mode
because she says the signals
make her crab cakes bitter.
And I bet she's dead right.
Bye, Deb! We love you, Deb!
Deb is nice like a mom,
but cool like a car.
She really is.
Imagine having work and a life to balance.
This is so awesome.
Time to just totally chill.
Who's excited to chill, huh? I am.
Because I didn't really get enough
chill time over the last ten years
when we didn't have
any work to do. Remember that?
But now that we're real spies,
finally, we can really chill it up.
Mar, are you sweating or crying?
Neither. What? These are my chill fluids.
That said, you know what would be amazing?
If we hack this thumb drive
before V gets here.
- But we're not supposed to.
- You think V has time to hack things?
She's probably busy shining her pants
and shopping for new desks.
She's a busy lady.
Oh, hell yeah. Chaos Dad.
More like Above-and-Beyond Dad.
Let's hack!
You were so cool five seconds ago.
Whoa, it has the most intense
encryption I've ever seen.
All these layers of security,
puzzles, games, trivia, you name it.
Kelsey. I named it.
I've never seen anything like it.
Only an AI or the most incredible
human hacker alive could crack it.
Lucky for us, we have
the most incredible human hacker alive.
Luck is a short-lived HBO drama, Mary.
What I have is skill.
All right, let's do this.
"Hacker detected."
They're going to release
a virus on the AIA network?
Oh, this is no big deal. I can fix this.
- Uh-oh, I think I made it worse.
- So do I!
Can you stop hitting
that one button, please?
Okay, no need to panic.
Still got a whole day.
Two hours left.
There's real need to panic.
Come on, Stat. Push through. Push through!
I'm awake
I can't believe
I thought this was a good idea.
It's like when I bought
100 Princess Di Beanie Babies
and thought I'd be a billionaire.
Instead I just became a multi-millionaire.
Hello?
Hey, Steve, it's Benji,
from Benji I mean, next door.
Pfft. I'm sorry.
I said my name twice. That is so weird.
Oh, hey. Hi.
Yeah, hey.
Um, so I saw your lights were on.
I wanted to see if you wanted
to grab coffee or something. My treat.
Yeah, uh, sorry, really bad time.
I got my hands full with design stuff,
super busy, lots going on,
Mom's in town, pottery class tonight,
studying for the LSATs.
Oh, totally. Maybe another time.
Yeah. Sounds good.
Ugh, I wish Deb was here.
She's got good mom energy.
She'd know exactly what to do.
Ba-ba! Ba-ba!
Oh! Oh, I actually know this one.
Maybe I have good mom energy, too.
Come on, drink your bottle
of warm Mountain Dew.
Yes! That's right.
Do the Dew!
There's no office for me,
and yours is huge. I'm taking this one.
Over my dead people's hair wigs you are.
This is my space,
and I need every inch of it.
It's the same size dressing room
Diana Ross has. I looked it up.
- You set up out there.
- No dice.
I don't do open-concept office spaces.
A man needs a door to close
so he can smell his own farts.
Wait, you like smelling your own farts?
No doy, Sherlock.
I love what I eat for lunch. Why wouldn't
I want to experience it again?
Well, I'm not leaving.
I need my own space, too,
for my accoutrements.
What is all this crap?
Wigs, makeup?
You know how real spies go undercover?
They slap on a fake mustache
and make up a fake name.
Something cool like
Chet Blaster or Steve California.
All this froufrou stuff.
You're not an agent.
You're a friggin' clown.
Stand up straighter, Bastien.
You need to build up your muscles
if you're going to be the star
of O or Zumanity.
My son must be the French fry
in the poutine, not the curd.
I'm trying
as hard as I can, Père.
I cannot believe the child of two
Cirque du Soleil stars is so talentless.
This is all because you inherited
your mother's jelly bones.
But Mama said my jelly bones are my gift.
No, it is a curse.
If you're not careful, you won't even
be cast in Cirque du Soleil.
You'll end up a silly little clown in
Don't say it!
the regular circus.
I don't have jelly bones!
Ah, Debbie-doodle,
why don't you invite your friends
from Pep Boys to the barbecue?
Throwing some people not wearing cleats
into the mix would be good for the lawn.
Ugh, Jesus, Nadja's wearing ice crampons.
Pep Boy friends are great,
but I like to keep them at Pep Boys.
Mixing my worlds is
like mixing oil and water,
only advisable when you're making
your world-famous
vegan raspberry salad dressing.
I get it.
Well, maybe I'll get to meet them one day.
Thanks for understanding.
I just want to enjoy our barbecue
with my wife, my friends
and my 16 trauma dogs.
All right, ladies,
shirts off, board shorts on.
The pool is open. Ah
Come on, Stat.
You're the key to saving
the whole AIA network right now.
Doesn't that fill you with energy
the way it fills me with dread?
Oh, V! What a delight.
What a truly good time to have called.
Hello, agent. Sorry to interrupt you,
but since you just said
this is a good time for me to call,
I guess I'm not interrupting you.
Anyway, great news.
I'm leaving Buenos Aires
a little early. I'm headed your way.
Oh, goody. So, what is that, 13 hours?
Maybe in a fucking Subaru, am I right?
No, I got a jet.
I'll see you way sooner than that.
Fuck! I mean, cool!
I mean, what's the rush, right?
Why don't you stay
in Buenos Aires for a bit?
Have you ever hung out with ex-president
Cristina Fernández de Kirchner?
She's hilarious. I'm sure
you girls would have lots to kiki about.
Mary, I'm old enough to be
your young aunt. Do not call me "girl."
I'll see you in an hour.
Oh, my God.
What are you doing to my wigs?
I have to practice my crossbow somewhere.
Samantha, no!
She is a businesswoman!
How am I supposed to command respect now?
Wait, you think you commanded respect
before I shot Samantha?
That's it. I cannot work
under these conditions.
Come on, Roxanne.
We need a safe space immediately.
Let's go somewhere dark and dramatic.
Stat! Enough sleepy times!
V is on her way now.
We can still get this done in time
and blow her mind
Twink locked himself
in the trunk of the Subaru.
- Can I shove it off a cliff?
- What?
Twink! Why did you lock yourself
in there? Are you okay?
Buck is creating
a hostile work environment.
He's the Shannen Doherty of our bunch.
And as the Jennie Garth,
I don't accept it!
No, I'm not. You're just thin-skinned.
- Get bigger skin, idiot.
- Twink, come out.
No, I need time to think.
And Deb keeps
a lot of earthquake supplies in here,
so I can stay as long as I need to.
Why am I being punished for giving 110%?
It always pays off
for Biggest Loser contestants.
Wait a minute, we're spies.
We can just pick the lock.
Ooh! Jesus!
How did Deb teach a car
to know where my nuts are?
I really wanted her
to have her special day,
but we gotta crash Deb's barbecue.
Get fucked, Brenda!
I mean, good game, great hustle.
Well, hello.
We've got some late arrivals, I see.
Mary?
Hey! Sorry to drop by
without being invited.
What are you doing here?
This is my house.
I know, and what a lovely house it is.
And you are not supposed to be here. Ever!
What the fuck is going on?
So, I wanted to
go above and beyond to impress V
by starting the hack early
and everything went wrong.
Now Twink is locked in the trunk,
Stat can barely keep her eyes open,
and Buck just generally sucks.
We need help. Please, help us.
Subaru. Garage. Now.
My worlds are colliding, people.
Now, I am pissed,
but I'm also picking up
on some real emergency energy,
so I'm willing to put it aside,
but I swear to God, Mary,
when this is all done,
we are going to have a conversation.
- Understood.
- Oof!
Are you okay?
Just a little bloated.
I ate so much of that earthquake protein
I almost became a twunk in the trunk.
Are you kidding me?
The big one's coming next
No, really?
What is this place?
There are a lot of posters of Flo-Jo.
Also a lot of bones
with teeth marks on them.
Oh, okay. The second part makes sense now.
This is my garage/Roku cave.
I go here to watch Roku because
sometimes people need private spaces.
Heard of it?
It's also where Pam and I
lock our traumatized pit bulls
who get skittish during social functions.
Hi, Ginger. Hi, Tori. Hi, Waffles.
Hi, Bonkers. Hi, Phoebe. Hi, Lydia.
Hi, Rosie. Hi, Blanche. Hi, Kirby.
Hi, Linguine. Hi, Alicia Keys.
Hi, Zipper. Hi, Midnight.
Hi, Diahann Carrol. Hi, Victoria.
Hi, Scooby-Doo.
Hey, gang.
Put Stat there.
Mary, did you not
check Stat's levels once?
You think she's a basic bitch?
Because her pH is alkaline as shit.
This should fix it.
That's the stuff.
Sweet, sweet taurine. Thanks, Deb.
Okay, we can't have
you all just hiding here.
It's too suspicious.
Twink, man the grill.
Why don't you
let me handle that, sweetheart?
It takes a man to man a grill.
I was captain
of Grill Club in high school.
If y'all don't just go make that food
- Fine, yup.
- Fine! Okay!
The beauty of being Black and mad is
you don't have to finish the sentence.
- You, come with me.
- We're leaving Stat?
We don't know shit about hacking,
so we can't help even if we want to.
Now that Pam saw you,
if you're not out there,
she's gonna wonder where you are
and come looking.
Plus, as you know,
this barbecue is important
and I don't want to
Jesus. It's just a barbecue.
Just a barbecue?
I mean, I know it's important to you,
but the fate of the world's
kinda hanging in the balance here.
Listen up. I am saving your ass right now.
You got yourself into a mess, not me.
So while Stat does her thing,
why don't you calm yourself down a bit?
I can't! I've been doing a full-body Kegel
since we went rogue
and got this thumb drive.
All your nervous energy
isn't helping anything.
I know the stakes are high,
but also the steaks are ready,
so let's go out there and get our dyke on.
Okay, sounds good
and smells good. Let's do this.
Remember, not one word
about Q-Force in front of my wife.
Love your flannel, Inez!
Amazing Fitbit, Carla!
Love how your bangs
and hair are the same length, Nia!
So you're a grill expert, is that right?
Yes. I'm so good,
I could basically work at Benihana,
except I'm not allowed
in Benihanas for other reasons.
I stuck my hog
in an onion tower on a dare.
I'm really good at grilling, too.
Where did you get those shoes?
- Sears.
- And they're exquisite.
See?
I'll handle the meat, little guy.
You can squirt the mustard when I'm done.
Yeah, no, I don't do
second banana, except on cardio days.
Who does cardio anymore?
It's all about eating max protein.
I eat a quarter mile of Slim Jim a week,
and that's how I know I'm good.
Why don't you just try
and do, like, one thing right?
Bastien, just do one thing right.
You are shaming me and your brothers
in front of the woman on fire
who sings like Enya.
What the fuck?
Whoo-hoo!
Whatever you do,
just act natural.
Deb! There you are.
Alix was looking for you.
She said we're out of vegan chalk
for the hopscotch court.
Oh, so you must be Mary.
I'm thrilled you could
get away from the shop.
I know.
Well, we fixed all the cars,
and I'd tell you more,
but mechanic/car confidentiality.
Understood.
I've heard so much
about you over the years.
It truly is such an honor
to meet in person.
Same.
Deb adores you. She's constantly talking
about how good you are
at working with underserved communities,
like troubled children and Capricorns.
And Deb never stops talking
about how great you are
as a Pep Boys manager.
I feel like I'm meeting
a celebrity right now,
like Giada De Laurentiis.
So, you're flying solo, huh?
No Deb of your own?
Not yet. I was texting with
this guy, Benji, but I sorta blew him off.
I've been really busy with work. It's, uh
wiper blade season.
Can't believe
you haven't been snatched up.
You're so strong
and your shampoo smells like Big Sur.
Life is short. You need relationships.
Deb and I merged
our bank accounts on our first date.
Okay. You all know what time it is now.
Let's bob for
Peppers?
Wait, why are we bobbing for peppers?
Apples are rough
on the local bee population.
- These are more sustainable.
- What's my prize?
You don't have to share your pepper.
- Whoo-hoo!
- Come on!
You have incredible thigh strength.
And you have the most beautiful calves
I've ever seen, Kaitlynn.
Together, we make one perfect leg.
Speaking of which,
could Maddie and I get some of your sperm?
No.
Ow!
Uh, yeah. Burgers are supposed
to be raw on the inside
and burnt to a crisp on the outside.
Black and red, like a pirate's hat.
You know,
I had a co-worker like that once.
A real DOB, daughter of a bastard.
I just wish he didn't get to me so much.
I mean, I usually can't resist
a chance to limbo with the girls.
Well, don't let him ruin your day.
Show us what you've got.
Um, lower?
No, like lower.
Dude, that was amazing!
Mama said my jelly bones were my gift.
And I guess I do have
so many gifts to share.
Oh-ho-ho, do I have gifts to share, honey.
Gifts to share!
Hmm, sounds like
you're still kinda fixating on
Share 'em loud,
share 'em proud! Show the gifts!
Oh-ho-ho! He'll see them.
You're sure no lesbians
have entered the Roku cave?
I told them
two of the pit bulls just broke up
and all the dogs
are really torn up about it.
None of them wanna cross
that emotional boundary. How's Stat doing?
She told me
if I checked in with her one more time,
she'd throw an axe through my skull,
so I'll just give her some space.
Got you.
Deb, I apologize
for interrupting your lovely barbecue.
I was just so hell-bent
on impressing the Agency
that I wasn't considering your feelings.
Okay, Mary, I accept your apology.
Only because I just had
a big cup of Marlena's hard cider
and I'm feeling gooey.
- Hello, agents.
- Oh, God, V!
How did she find us?
My house uses the same
location-masking shields as Wakanda.
Why is your squad
at Agent Deb's private home
mingling with civilians?
I ordered you to stay in the office
and protect the thumb drive.
This could compromise everything.
Agent V, there is
a perfectly good explanation,
which I'm going to give you
right after I run away really quick.
You look like
you could use a white sangria.
Uh, is there any other kind?
Is this a wooden house?
Didn't know they made 'em out of wood.
Oh, also, again, what the hell's going on?
- Mary's got everything under control.
- Hi, there! Nice to meet you.
I'm Alix. Do you work at Pep Boys, too?
Uh
Yes, ma'am.
I am Veronica,
the West Coast regional manager.
She's the big dog.
She worked on Portia's Audi.
Wow. Well, we're so glad you came.
And such a high-powered boss lady,
you're the perfect person
to judge the slaw-off.
Slaw-off?
Meaning coleslaw?
I haven't eaten a side dish since 1987.
Deb, what's happening?
- Just keep your cover a few more minutes.
- Fine.
Don't get up till you've tasted them all,
plus Cabbage Patty's cabbage patties.
I guess this one really highlights
the acidity of the cabbage.
And this one's got a ton of raisins in it.
You don't see that too often.
I live in a bit of a bubble, I guess.
I always thought coleslaw
had to be a certain way,
but I'm realizing now that coleslaw
can come in all different shapes, sizes,
colors and amounts of raisins in 'em.
Let's try another.
Not to put any pressure on you,
but if you don't figure this out in
oh, 14 minutes, the entire world
will be plunged into chaos.
I'm so close.
I'm at the final layer of security,
but it's trivia
and I can barely think straight.
It's all this intense
random shit about subjects
like construction,
winter sports, bee sustainability.
Wait, that sounds
like a job for the lesbians.
They know all about those things.
So here you are.
I haven't been this bloated
since the Carter Administration.
Can I have
that damn thumb drive already, please?
Okay, promise you won't get mad.
I might have told Stat to start hacking
so we could surprise you
with the unencrypted data,
but instead it's going to release
a virus on the AIA network
unless we answer
lesbian-related trivia right this second.
So, in a way, I guess
I did surprise you, just in a bad way.
That thumb drive is the one piece
of evidence in the one case you
Okay, okay, the clock's ticking,
so I can't lecture you right now,
but I do have time to give you
one very disappointed look.
Oh, no, please don't do that.
It burns!
Good. Now bring on the lesbians.
It's trivia time.
"What is the leading
parasitic cause of bumblebee death?"
The Varroa mite. Easy!
"When did women's curling
officially join the Olympic Games?"
Nagano, 1998.
The best year of my fucking life!
- "This film"
- Carol!
Correct. Okay, last question.
"What would the correct ignition timing
be on a 1955 Bel-Air Chevrolet
with a 327 cubic inch engine
and a four-barrel carburetor?"
Ooh, that's a question
for Veronica, I think.
- No, it's a bullshit question.
- What?
It's a trick question
because Chevy didn't make a 327 in '55.
The 327 didn't come out till '63,
and it wasn't offered in the Bel Air
with a four-barrel carb till '64.
However, in 1964,
the correct ignition timing
would be four degrees
before top-dead-center.
Correct!
Thank you.
I know a lot about cars
because of Pep Boys.
And we're in!
And I'm out.
Finally, this was almost
a complete shit-show.
- Slaw kicking in? I get it.
- No!
You starting the hack
after I specifically told you not to.
You don't need to
work so hard to impress me, Mary.
I already like you.
Stop being so extra
and just follow my orders already.
Yes, got it. Loud and clear.
But now that it's done and there's
no virus taking over the Agency,
you're kind of super impressed, right?
Not gonna dignify that with an answer.
I should get going
and deliver this thumb drive, anyway,
before another lesbian
tries to lecture me about zoning laws.
Why do they all want
their Jacuzzis to be so tall?
I have no idea.
This is gonna blow his freaking
Oh, Mary, I thought you'd be
Twink?
Well, I'm not Twink,
but I do want to talk to you about Twink.
I can't believe you made me
spend the whole day with him.
He's so ridiculous. You should fire him.
He's actually the best master of disguises
I've ever met, and I've met Sia.
Oh, please.
No one believes his little disguises.
He can put on a skirt and wig, but he'd
never pass for a real spy like us.
Really? Funny you should say that
'cause I've got news for you,
Miss Bucky. I
I don't actually
fucking care what you think.
I see it so clearly now.
You're just a French-Canadian
figment of my imagination.
What are you talking about?
I'm from Philadelphia.
Of course you are.
Anyway, it doesn't matter
if Twink's many talents are lost on you.
That's your problem, not his.
You have no right to treat him like shit.
- Grow up. That's an order.
- You can't give me orders.
So funny you should say that,
because I literally just did.
Uh, okay?
It is okay.
"It's not right, but it's okay."
Thunderpuss Remix.
Today was almost a disaster,
but it wasn't. Thank you, Jackée.
- Cute outfit, Twink.
- Oh, my gosh, thanks! You, too!
What's up, Slaw Queen?
Q-Force, despite the mess
Agent Mary dragged us all into,
we've analyzed the data
on that thumb drive, and it's major.
The black-market uranium deal
is going down on American soil.
- We need you on the case immediately.
- Does that mean
That's right. Q-Force is going on
their first out-of-town mission.
Yes!
To Wyoming!
More in the morning. V out.
Still pretty good. We love a square state.
It's gonna be really weird
not flying over it for once
'cause I didn't even know
you can land there.
Hey. Ever since we got
the Agency's okay to be an active squad,
I've been a little trigger-happy.
But today I went about it
all wrong and, anyway
I promise I'll never go rogue
without you again.
Or you can stop going rogue altogether,
'cause, hey, it's a little messy.
It is indeed.
Your barbecue was
really lovely, by the way.
Pam is a queen,
and you have so many friends.
Yeah. It's nice to have
a life outside of work, Mary.
I say this with love
You need a fucking man!
You're right. Always are.
- Steve?
- Hey.
Sorry if this is weird.
I was in the neighborhood,
and I had this great bottle of wine,
and I was just wondering
You wanna watch a movie or something?
I would love that.
Cool.
I love movies.
They're, uh, so cool to watch.
Yeah.
and hold you in heaven ♪
Whoo ♪
It's on me ♪
To fill in the void
When the days start to fade ♪
Fade ♪
Stay! ♪
of this mint condition
autographed photo of Jackée Harry,
our new office is officially complete,
and we are now totally spies.
May you protect us
and watch over us in all your glory. Amen.
Maybe we swap her out for Carmen Electra?
Or someone actually inspiring like that?
When do we think we're gonna start spying?
I'd like to get a chemical peel before
the traditional pre-mission photoshoot.
V is in Buenos Aires and she'll be by
to grab the thumb drive when she's done.
We just need to hang on to it till then.
Man, it's crazy, huh?
All that juicy info
is just on this little thing
and we get to just wait.
You want to break the rules, don't you?
Daddy wants to be a bad baby.
Nuh-uh.
Ooh, I was once in a feature film called
Daddy Wants To Be A Bad Baby.
This time it actually
works out great for me.
Tomorrow's my biannual barbecue with Pam.
It's the biggest social event of the year
for queer women who live south of the 10,
even more sacred
than my Highland Games watch parties.
Man, those white boys
can really throw a tree.
Oh, of course.
Yeah, I completely forgot about that.
Go! A biannual barbecue sounds like
the lesbian equivalent of the Oscars.
And Twink takes
the whole week off for those.
After the whole La La Land thing,
I was actually hospitalized.
So now that we're all feeling vulnerable,
Deb, how come
you never invite us to your things?
Because my wife doesn't know I'm a spy.
And I don't want her to find out
I've been lying to her all these years.
Makes so much sense.
I never should have have questioned you.
I'm gonna examine that.
We've got everything
under control here. Have fun.
And say hi to Pam for me, even though
we've never met and never will.
Sounds good. I'll be totally off the grid.
Pam makes us
put all our cell phones on airplane mode
because she says the signals
make her crab cakes bitter.
And I bet she's dead right.
Bye, Deb! We love you, Deb!
Deb is nice like a mom,
but cool like a car.
She really is.
Imagine having work and a life to balance.
This is so awesome.
Time to just totally chill.
Who's excited to chill, huh? I am.
Because I didn't really get enough
chill time over the last ten years
when we didn't have
any work to do. Remember that?
But now that we're real spies,
finally, we can really chill it up.
Mar, are you sweating or crying?
Neither. What? These are my chill fluids.
That said, you know what would be amazing?
If we hack this thumb drive
before V gets here.
- But we're not supposed to.
- You think V has time to hack things?
She's probably busy shining her pants
and shopping for new desks.
She's a busy lady.
Oh, hell yeah. Chaos Dad.
More like Above-and-Beyond Dad.
Let's hack!
You were so cool five seconds ago.
Whoa, it has the most intense
encryption I've ever seen.
All these layers of security,
puzzles, games, trivia, you name it.
Kelsey. I named it.
I've never seen anything like it.
Only an AI or the most incredible
human hacker alive could crack it.
Lucky for us, we have
the most incredible human hacker alive.
Luck is a short-lived HBO drama, Mary.
What I have is skill.
All right, let's do this.
"Hacker detected."
They're going to release
a virus on the AIA network?
Oh, this is no big deal. I can fix this.
- Uh-oh, I think I made it worse.
- So do I!
Can you stop hitting
that one button, please?
Okay, no need to panic.
Still got a whole day.
Two hours left.
There's real need to panic.
Come on, Stat. Push through. Push through!
I'm awake
I can't believe
I thought this was a good idea.
It's like when I bought
100 Princess Di Beanie Babies
and thought I'd be a billionaire.
Instead I just became a multi-millionaire.
Hello?
Hey, Steve, it's Benji,
from Benji I mean, next door.
Pfft. I'm sorry.
I said my name twice. That is so weird.
Oh, hey. Hi.
Yeah, hey.
Um, so I saw your lights were on.
I wanted to see if you wanted
to grab coffee or something. My treat.
Yeah, uh, sorry, really bad time.
I got my hands full with design stuff,
super busy, lots going on,
Mom's in town, pottery class tonight,
studying for the LSATs.
Oh, totally. Maybe another time.
Yeah. Sounds good.
Ugh, I wish Deb was here.
She's got good mom energy.
She'd know exactly what to do.
Ba-ba! Ba-ba!
Oh! Oh, I actually know this one.
Maybe I have good mom energy, too.
Come on, drink your bottle
of warm Mountain Dew.
Yes! That's right.
Do the Dew!
There's no office for me,
and yours is huge. I'm taking this one.
Over my dead people's hair wigs you are.
This is my space,
and I need every inch of it.
It's the same size dressing room
Diana Ross has. I looked it up.
- You set up out there.
- No dice.
I don't do open-concept office spaces.
A man needs a door to close
so he can smell his own farts.
Wait, you like smelling your own farts?
No doy, Sherlock.
I love what I eat for lunch. Why wouldn't
I want to experience it again?
Well, I'm not leaving.
I need my own space, too,
for my accoutrements.
What is all this crap?
Wigs, makeup?
You know how real spies go undercover?
They slap on a fake mustache
and make up a fake name.
Something cool like
Chet Blaster or Steve California.
All this froufrou stuff.
You're not an agent.
You're a friggin' clown.
Stand up straighter, Bastien.
You need to build up your muscles
if you're going to be the star
of O or Zumanity.
My son must be the French fry
in the poutine, not the curd.
I'm trying
as hard as I can, Père.
I cannot believe the child of two
Cirque du Soleil stars is so talentless.
This is all because you inherited
your mother's jelly bones.
But Mama said my jelly bones are my gift.
No, it is a curse.
If you're not careful, you won't even
be cast in Cirque du Soleil.
You'll end up a silly little clown in
Don't say it!
the regular circus.
I don't have jelly bones!
Ah, Debbie-doodle,
why don't you invite your friends
from Pep Boys to the barbecue?
Throwing some people not wearing cleats
into the mix would be good for the lawn.
Ugh, Jesus, Nadja's wearing ice crampons.
Pep Boy friends are great,
but I like to keep them at Pep Boys.
Mixing my worlds is
like mixing oil and water,
only advisable when you're making
your world-famous
vegan raspberry salad dressing.
I get it.
Well, maybe I'll get to meet them one day.
Thanks for understanding.
I just want to enjoy our barbecue
with my wife, my friends
and my 16 trauma dogs.
All right, ladies,
shirts off, board shorts on.
The pool is open. Ah
Come on, Stat.
You're the key to saving
the whole AIA network right now.
Doesn't that fill you with energy
the way it fills me with dread?
Oh, V! What a delight.
What a truly good time to have called.
Hello, agent. Sorry to interrupt you,
but since you just said
this is a good time for me to call,
I guess I'm not interrupting you.
Anyway, great news.
I'm leaving Buenos Aires
a little early. I'm headed your way.
Oh, goody. So, what is that, 13 hours?
Maybe in a fucking Subaru, am I right?
No, I got a jet.
I'll see you way sooner than that.
Fuck! I mean, cool!
I mean, what's the rush, right?
Why don't you stay
in Buenos Aires for a bit?
Have you ever hung out with ex-president
Cristina Fernández de Kirchner?
She's hilarious. I'm sure
you girls would have lots to kiki about.
Mary, I'm old enough to be
your young aunt. Do not call me "girl."
I'll see you in an hour.
Oh, my God.
What are you doing to my wigs?
I have to practice my crossbow somewhere.
Samantha, no!
She is a businesswoman!
How am I supposed to command respect now?
Wait, you think you commanded respect
before I shot Samantha?
That's it. I cannot work
under these conditions.
Come on, Roxanne.
We need a safe space immediately.
Let's go somewhere dark and dramatic.
Stat! Enough sleepy times!
V is on her way now.
We can still get this done in time
and blow her mind
Twink locked himself
in the trunk of the Subaru.
- Can I shove it off a cliff?
- What?
Twink! Why did you lock yourself
in there? Are you okay?
Buck is creating
a hostile work environment.
He's the Shannen Doherty of our bunch.
And as the Jennie Garth,
I don't accept it!
No, I'm not. You're just thin-skinned.
- Get bigger skin, idiot.
- Twink, come out.
No, I need time to think.
And Deb keeps
a lot of earthquake supplies in here,
so I can stay as long as I need to.
Why am I being punished for giving 110%?
It always pays off
for Biggest Loser contestants.
Wait a minute, we're spies.
We can just pick the lock.
Ooh! Jesus!
How did Deb teach a car
to know where my nuts are?
I really wanted her
to have her special day,
but we gotta crash Deb's barbecue.
Get fucked, Brenda!
I mean, good game, great hustle.
Well, hello.
We've got some late arrivals, I see.
Mary?
Hey! Sorry to drop by
without being invited.
What are you doing here?
This is my house.
I know, and what a lovely house it is.
And you are not supposed to be here. Ever!
What the fuck is going on?
So, I wanted to
go above and beyond to impress V
by starting the hack early
and everything went wrong.
Now Twink is locked in the trunk,
Stat can barely keep her eyes open,
and Buck just generally sucks.
We need help. Please, help us.
Subaru. Garage. Now.
My worlds are colliding, people.
Now, I am pissed,
but I'm also picking up
on some real emergency energy,
so I'm willing to put it aside,
but I swear to God, Mary,
when this is all done,
we are going to have a conversation.
- Understood.
- Oof!
Are you okay?
Just a little bloated.
I ate so much of that earthquake protein
I almost became a twunk in the trunk.
Are you kidding me?
The big one's coming next
No, really?
What is this place?
There are a lot of posters of Flo-Jo.
Also a lot of bones
with teeth marks on them.
Oh, okay. The second part makes sense now.
This is my garage/Roku cave.
I go here to watch Roku because
sometimes people need private spaces.
Heard of it?
It's also where Pam and I
lock our traumatized pit bulls
who get skittish during social functions.
Hi, Ginger. Hi, Tori. Hi, Waffles.
Hi, Bonkers. Hi, Phoebe. Hi, Lydia.
Hi, Rosie. Hi, Blanche. Hi, Kirby.
Hi, Linguine. Hi, Alicia Keys.
Hi, Zipper. Hi, Midnight.
Hi, Diahann Carrol. Hi, Victoria.
Hi, Scooby-Doo.
Hey, gang.
Put Stat there.
Mary, did you not
check Stat's levels once?
You think she's a basic bitch?
Because her pH is alkaline as shit.
This should fix it.
That's the stuff.
Sweet, sweet taurine. Thanks, Deb.
Okay, we can't have
you all just hiding here.
It's too suspicious.
Twink, man the grill.
Why don't you
let me handle that, sweetheart?
It takes a man to man a grill.
I was captain
of Grill Club in high school.
If y'all don't just go make that food
- Fine, yup.
- Fine! Okay!
The beauty of being Black and mad is
you don't have to finish the sentence.
- You, come with me.
- We're leaving Stat?
We don't know shit about hacking,
so we can't help even if we want to.
Now that Pam saw you,
if you're not out there,
she's gonna wonder where you are
and come looking.
Plus, as you know,
this barbecue is important
and I don't want to
Jesus. It's just a barbecue.
Just a barbecue?
I mean, I know it's important to you,
but the fate of the world's
kinda hanging in the balance here.
Listen up. I am saving your ass right now.
You got yourself into a mess, not me.
So while Stat does her thing,
why don't you calm yourself down a bit?
I can't! I've been doing a full-body Kegel
since we went rogue
and got this thumb drive.
All your nervous energy
isn't helping anything.
I know the stakes are high,
but also the steaks are ready,
so let's go out there and get our dyke on.
Okay, sounds good
and smells good. Let's do this.
Remember, not one word
about Q-Force in front of my wife.
Love your flannel, Inez!
Amazing Fitbit, Carla!
Love how your bangs
and hair are the same length, Nia!
So you're a grill expert, is that right?
Yes. I'm so good,
I could basically work at Benihana,
except I'm not allowed
in Benihanas for other reasons.
I stuck my hog
in an onion tower on a dare.
I'm really good at grilling, too.
Where did you get those shoes?
- Sears.
- And they're exquisite.
See?
I'll handle the meat, little guy.
You can squirt the mustard when I'm done.
Yeah, no, I don't do
second banana, except on cardio days.
Who does cardio anymore?
It's all about eating max protein.
I eat a quarter mile of Slim Jim a week,
and that's how I know I'm good.
Why don't you just try
and do, like, one thing right?
Bastien, just do one thing right.
You are shaming me and your brothers
in front of the woman on fire
who sings like Enya.
What the fuck?
Whoo-hoo!
Whatever you do,
just act natural.
Deb! There you are.
Alix was looking for you.
She said we're out of vegan chalk
for the hopscotch court.
Oh, so you must be Mary.
I'm thrilled you could
get away from the shop.
I know.
Well, we fixed all the cars,
and I'd tell you more,
but mechanic/car confidentiality.
Understood.
I've heard so much
about you over the years.
It truly is such an honor
to meet in person.
Same.
Deb adores you. She's constantly talking
about how good you are
at working with underserved communities,
like troubled children and Capricorns.
And Deb never stops talking
about how great you are
as a Pep Boys manager.
I feel like I'm meeting
a celebrity right now,
like Giada De Laurentiis.
So, you're flying solo, huh?
No Deb of your own?
Not yet. I was texting with
this guy, Benji, but I sorta blew him off.
I've been really busy with work. It's, uh
wiper blade season.
Can't believe
you haven't been snatched up.
You're so strong
and your shampoo smells like Big Sur.
Life is short. You need relationships.
Deb and I merged
our bank accounts on our first date.
Okay. You all know what time it is now.
Let's bob for
Peppers?
Wait, why are we bobbing for peppers?
Apples are rough
on the local bee population.
- These are more sustainable.
- What's my prize?
You don't have to share your pepper.
- Whoo-hoo!
- Come on!
You have incredible thigh strength.
And you have the most beautiful calves
I've ever seen, Kaitlynn.
Together, we make one perfect leg.
Speaking of which,
could Maddie and I get some of your sperm?
No.
Ow!
Uh, yeah. Burgers are supposed
to be raw on the inside
and burnt to a crisp on the outside.
Black and red, like a pirate's hat.
You know,
I had a co-worker like that once.
A real DOB, daughter of a bastard.
I just wish he didn't get to me so much.
I mean, I usually can't resist
a chance to limbo with the girls.
Well, don't let him ruin your day.
Show us what you've got.
Um, lower?
No, like lower.
Dude, that was amazing!
Mama said my jelly bones were my gift.
And I guess I do have
so many gifts to share.
Oh-ho-ho, do I have gifts to share, honey.
Gifts to share!
Hmm, sounds like
you're still kinda fixating on
Share 'em loud,
share 'em proud! Show the gifts!
Oh-ho-ho! He'll see them.
You're sure no lesbians
have entered the Roku cave?
I told them
two of the pit bulls just broke up
and all the dogs
are really torn up about it.
None of them wanna cross
that emotional boundary. How's Stat doing?
She told me
if I checked in with her one more time,
she'd throw an axe through my skull,
so I'll just give her some space.
Got you.
Deb, I apologize
for interrupting your lovely barbecue.
I was just so hell-bent
on impressing the Agency
that I wasn't considering your feelings.
Okay, Mary, I accept your apology.
Only because I just had
a big cup of Marlena's hard cider
and I'm feeling gooey.
- Hello, agents.
- Oh, God, V!
How did she find us?
My house uses the same
location-masking shields as Wakanda.
Why is your squad
at Agent Deb's private home
mingling with civilians?
I ordered you to stay in the office
and protect the thumb drive.
This could compromise everything.
Agent V, there is
a perfectly good explanation,
which I'm going to give you
right after I run away really quick.
You look like
you could use a white sangria.
Uh, is there any other kind?
Is this a wooden house?
Didn't know they made 'em out of wood.
Oh, also, again, what the hell's going on?
- Mary's got everything under control.
- Hi, there! Nice to meet you.
I'm Alix. Do you work at Pep Boys, too?
Uh
Yes, ma'am.
I am Veronica,
the West Coast regional manager.
She's the big dog.
She worked on Portia's Audi.
Wow. Well, we're so glad you came.
And such a high-powered boss lady,
you're the perfect person
to judge the slaw-off.
Slaw-off?
Meaning coleslaw?
I haven't eaten a side dish since 1987.
Deb, what's happening?
- Just keep your cover a few more minutes.
- Fine.
Don't get up till you've tasted them all,
plus Cabbage Patty's cabbage patties.
I guess this one really highlights
the acidity of the cabbage.
And this one's got a ton of raisins in it.
You don't see that too often.
I live in a bit of a bubble, I guess.
I always thought coleslaw
had to be a certain way,
but I'm realizing now that coleslaw
can come in all different shapes, sizes,
colors and amounts of raisins in 'em.
Let's try another.
Not to put any pressure on you,
but if you don't figure this out in
oh, 14 minutes, the entire world
will be plunged into chaos.
I'm so close.
I'm at the final layer of security,
but it's trivia
and I can barely think straight.
It's all this intense
random shit about subjects
like construction,
winter sports, bee sustainability.
Wait, that sounds
like a job for the lesbians.
They know all about those things.
So here you are.
I haven't been this bloated
since the Carter Administration.
Can I have
that damn thumb drive already, please?
Okay, promise you won't get mad.
I might have told Stat to start hacking
so we could surprise you
with the unencrypted data,
but instead it's going to release
a virus on the AIA network
unless we answer
lesbian-related trivia right this second.
So, in a way, I guess
I did surprise you, just in a bad way.
That thumb drive is the one piece
of evidence in the one case you
Okay, okay, the clock's ticking,
so I can't lecture you right now,
but I do have time to give you
one very disappointed look.
Oh, no, please don't do that.
It burns!
Good. Now bring on the lesbians.
It's trivia time.
"What is the leading
parasitic cause of bumblebee death?"
The Varroa mite. Easy!
"When did women's curling
officially join the Olympic Games?"
Nagano, 1998.
The best year of my fucking life!
- "This film"
- Carol!
Correct. Okay, last question.
"What would the correct ignition timing
be on a 1955 Bel-Air Chevrolet
with a 327 cubic inch engine
and a four-barrel carburetor?"
Ooh, that's a question
for Veronica, I think.
- No, it's a bullshit question.
- What?
It's a trick question
because Chevy didn't make a 327 in '55.
The 327 didn't come out till '63,
and it wasn't offered in the Bel Air
with a four-barrel carb till '64.
However, in 1964,
the correct ignition timing
would be four degrees
before top-dead-center.
Correct!
Thank you.
I know a lot about cars
because of Pep Boys.
And we're in!
And I'm out.
Finally, this was almost
a complete shit-show.
- Slaw kicking in? I get it.
- No!
You starting the hack
after I specifically told you not to.
You don't need to
work so hard to impress me, Mary.
I already like you.
Stop being so extra
and just follow my orders already.
Yes, got it. Loud and clear.
But now that it's done and there's
no virus taking over the Agency,
you're kind of super impressed, right?
Not gonna dignify that with an answer.
I should get going
and deliver this thumb drive, anyway,
before another lesbian
tries to lecture me about zoning laws.
Why do they all want
their Jacuzzis to be so tall?
I have no idea.
This is gonna blow his freaking
Oh, Mary, I thought you'd be
Twink?
Well, I'm not Twink,
but I do want to talk to you about Twink.
I can't believe you made me
spend the whole day with him.
He's so ridiculous. You should fire him.
He's actually the best master of disguises
I've ever met, and I've met Sia.
Oh, please.
No one believes his little disguises.
He can put on a skirt and wig, but he'd
never pass for a real spy like us.
Really? Funny you should say that
'cause I've got news for you,
Miss Bucky. I
I don't actually
fucking care what you think.
I see it so clearly now.
You're just a French-Canadian
figment of my imagination.
What are you talking about?
I'm from Philadelphia.
Of course you are.
Anyway, it doesn't matter
if Twink's many talents are lost on you.
That's your problem, not his.
You have no right to treat him like shit.
- Grow up. That's an order.
- You can't give me orders.
So funny you should say that,
because I literally just did.
Uh, okay?
It is okay.
"It's not right, but it's okay."
Thunderpuss Remix.
Today was almost a disaster,
but it wasn't. Thank you, Jackée.
- Cute outfit, Twink.
- Oh, my gosh, thanks! You, too!
What's up, Slaw Queen?
Q-Force, despite the mess
Agent Mary dragged us all into,
we've analyzed the data
on that thumb drive, and it's major.
The black-market uranium deal
is going down on American soil.
- We need you on the case immediately.
- Does that mean
That's right. Q-Force is going on
their first out-of-town mission.
Yes!
To Wyoming!
More in the morning. V out.
Still pretty good. We love a square state.
It's gonna be really weird
not flying over it for once
'cause I didn't even know
you can land there.
Hey. Ever since we got
the Agency's okay to be an active squad,
I've been a little trigger-happy.
But today I went about it
all wrong and, anyway
I promise I'll never go rogue
without you again.
Or you can stop going rogue altogether,
'cause, hey, it's a little messy.
It is indeed.
Your barbecue was
really lovely, by the way.
Pam is a queen,
and you have so many friends.
Yeah. It's nice to have
a life outside of work, Mary.
I say this with love
You need a fucking man!
You're right. Always are.
- Steve?
- Hey.
Sorry if this is weird.
I was in the neighborhood,
and I had this great bottle of wine,
and I was just wondering
You wanna watch a movie or something?
I would love that.
Cool.
I love movies.
They're, uh, so cool to watch.
Yeah.
and hold you in heaven ♪
Whoo ♪
It's on me ♪
To fill in the void
When the days start to fade ♪
Fade ♪
Stay! ♪