Queen of Oz (2023) s01e02 Episode Script

1
Hello. I'm Princess Georgiana.
Queen of Australia!
Unbelievable.
You vomit on one little girl
I-I-I-I HA-A-A-A-ATE AUSTRALIA!
You're going to be amazing.
Am I?! Team Queen!
I'm going to have you killed.
There's a new queen waiting
to burst out, apparently.
And she's not going to put
another foot wrong.
I'm
the Prime Minister! And I'm just perfect!
Even in this
10,000-miles-from-home
dust bowl of an inferno.
Your Majesty.
Oh, this poxy country! What now?
My apologies.
I didn't realise you were
entertaining again.
Can you believe this?
No, no.
I thought you'd have gone by now.
I thought, as a surprise,
I'd wake up with you this time.
Well, as you can see,
I don't like surprises. Mm.
Last night was amazing.
Mm. From what I remember,
you ticked all the boxes.
Well, if you'd like
your box ticked again
Don't - I can't bear innuendo.
You should probably get going
before anyone else sees you. Yep.
And I need to get
ready to visit a
refugee resettlement centre.
Can't wait for you
to meet my parents.
Why, are they resettled refugees?
No, but seeing as this is
a thing now, I know
No, this isn't a thing.
Far from a thing.
But you said you wanted
to do this every day.
I said the same thing
about the Peloton.
Look. Josh.
Who's Josh?
Not Josh. That's not your name.
Jack.
Neither is that.
I know, because your name is Joe.
It's not. Not finished. Joe-I.
How can you seriously not
know my name? I do know your name.
It's one of those
cool surfer names like
Zach. It's Zach. It's not Zach.
Chad? No. Bon.
You know, I honestly thought
we had a connection.
We do. We do.
Which is why
I'm going to give you this.
An ashtray?
Not just any ashtray.
This is a royal heirloom
of an ashtray.
Mm. Yeah. I mean, it may just be
any ashtray - but, either way,
consider this a heartfelt thank you
from me to you.
By the way, it's Augustus.
Augustus!
Huh! Really?!
That's not remotely cool.
Anyhoo, catch you later, mate.
I think that went well.
Yes, as tours of refugee
resettlement centres go,
that's in my top three.
And who doesn't love a date?
Bleurgh! That's like chewing syrup.
Ma'am, I have got something that
you are really, really, really
Shut up and say it. Right.
The Reserve Bank have confirmed the
unveiling ceremony for your new $5 note.
Some positive momentum, finally!
Where is it?
I want to see it. Is it good?
Er, well, we haven't seen it yet,
but they're sending one over.
You know, it might really upset my mother,
having her $5 note replaced with mine.
Fingers crossed!
Some people say that we're giving
the Queen a hard time, but I think
this is all in the public interest.
Aussies can't relate to some
squealing bird who was given things
from Mummy and Daddy on a platter.
What are we going to do
about this prick?
Richard bloody Steele and his
news empire - he's killing me!
Maybe, Ma'am, you should not concern
yourself with what's out there
and just let me handle it.
Mm! Cos you're doing
a bang-up job so far, Zoe.
Yesterday it was mutton
dressed as ma'am.
The day before that, they were savaging me
for being the world's only unmarried queen.
Why on earth does he care?
He doesn't, but it makes
for great headlines,
and the public aren't used to
their sovereign being so um
So what? Busty.
I know she's the Queen,
but get off the grass!
Spending $25,000 on British
chocolate - who does that?
Oh, piss off - you've tasted that
waxy shit they sell over here.
I just don't think the average
Australian can get their head around
that kind of extravagance.
I mean, sure, I've made a buck
or two along the way
Or 30 billion!
But at heart I'm just
a regular bloke from Brissie.
Invite him to dinner.
Here. What for?!
Look at him! He promotes himself
as a man of the people.
He'll never accept.
Everyone accepts.
He's also dangerous. He's a shark.
Well, that's lucky
because I'm a shark charmer.
That's not a thing, is it?
Snake charmer.
It doesn't matter, though,
because I'm very charming.
Still very much not a good idea.
That's exactly what they said about going
for cocktails with the King of Djibouti.
There is no King of Djibouti.
There was that night.
Your Majesty.
How was the visit?
They gave us dates.
Ah, dates. They call them
nature's caramel, you know.
Don't be a bore, Bernard. Quite.
Rumours abound of you
fornicating with the staff.
With respect, Ma'am,
this will not do.
Fornicating? Who are you? Moses?!
You've been the focus of enough
salacious headlines
in the past to realise what
could happen if word got out
about a dalliance between
the Queen and her help.
I didn't take you for a snob,
but it suits you.
I don't make the rules, Ma'am.
Rules are made to be broken.
I'm sorry you had to hear that,
Augustus.
It was rude and insensitive.
No worries. Just glad you
remembered my name this time.
I'm a quick study.
I get off work at nine if you
Why don't you just clock off now?
Yeah, I guess I could do that.
Because you're fired.
What?! That's right.
And I obviously have self-control
issues that I should probably
be working on, but - ha, me!
It's just easier this way.
You know?
For me.
We have to let him go.
Suppose Weiwei dobbed me in.
Well, for the record, it wasn't me.
Well, how could it have been?
I saw him coming out of your room.
Good Lord. Did you really?
How tawdry!
And there's me hoping you'd find me
the last word in elegant mystery.
I think that ship sailed -
all the way to Djibouti.
With respect, Ma'am.
You come off a little judgy
for a bodyguard.
Don't tell me you've never
thrown caution to the wind
one balmy evening
with a foreign dignitary.
If you're referring to my dalliance
with the Venezuelan general,
it was one night during a coup
and we both regretted
it in the morning.
Oh my God.
Maybe it's a prank. Yeah!
Yeah, I'm sure it's just the Reserve
Bank having their usual muck about.
Classic! How could they use the
wrong portrait on the note?
I mean, I know I definitely
gave them
the wrong one.
Oh, my God. I'm screwed.
The Prime Minister, Ma'am.
Your Majesty.
Call me Georgie.
Shall I call you Becky?
I don't think either suggestion
is appropriate, Ma'am.
Off to a fun start.
I don't think these meetings
are supposed to be fun.
Not that I'd know,
since we haven't had one yet.
Yeah, sorry about that. I've been
busy trying to get out of them.
Right.
Shall we get down to business?
Take it away.
There's an upcoming vote
in Parliament to fund
new childhood cancer research.
All right, keep it light.
It's set to pass unanimously.
Both sides of the House
are in agreement.
It's a rare occurrence.
That seems to have caught
your attention, Ma'am.
Hm?
Oh, no.
No, not at all. I was just wondering
if I could still get away
with wearing leather trousers.
Excuse me?
I mean, is there a cut-off age?
Forgive me, but we're here
to discuss affairs of state, Ma'am.
Forgive me. Do carry on.
Starting in the second quarter
of next year,
the single-parent allowance is set to
increase by 4.6%,
bringing us in line with
Oh. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I just
I just can't with this.
It is singularly dull. I'm sorry
you find the idea of lifting
single family homes out of
poverty boring.
It does reflect quite badly
on me, doesn't it?
Let's just keep
that between us gals.
You do know I'm a Republican?
What are you going to do?
Granted, neither of us
want to be here,
but, as it is our constitutional
duty, let us move on to infrastructure.
Can we just pop a pin
in it until next week?
My new banknote's arrived. Exciting!
I'm desperate to see it -
I may pee a little.
Prime Minister is leaving.
OK
To your earlier query, Ma'am -
if you have to ask if there's
a cut-off age for leather trousers,
you've already passed it.
Noted.
I wonder if people will start
referring to them by my name.
Crikey,
I already gave you a couple of Georgies
to buy some more tinnies, you cheap
drongo! - What do you think?
Aussies don't speak
or walk like that, Ma'am.
Not yet.
OK!
I'm ready to see mon visage.
This is a prank.
The Reserve Bank strikes again.
It's not a prank, Ma'am.
It must be - because, of the
two portraits commissioned,
that definitely is not
the one I chose.
I accidentally approved
the wrong one.
You accidentally did what now?
To be honest, though, Ma'am, I really
don't think there's that much
of a difference between them.
Really, Zoe? You don't see the
difference between this
and this?
Hm?
Because this looks like me
on a good day 15 years ago.
This looks like I've just escaped
from the fucking asylum!
Ginger eyebrows?!
Oh, well, they'll just have to destroy
all those and print the correct ones.
The thing is The notes have already
been printed and distributed
to banks around the country.
So unprint and undistribute them.
I get that you're less than pleased,
Ma'am, but millions of dollars
have already been spent
on producing these notes.
I'm unclear of your point.
Well, my point is, wouldn't it be
wasteful to spend all that money
on changing them when you could spend
it on more pressing national concerns?
You wouldn't be saying that
if it was your gormless,
haggard old medieval face
on every $5 note!
Who cares how much it costs?!
Just change it!
Is it just me thinking
we should prank them back?
I didn't think he'd accept.
Of course he accepted.
Richard Steele is just like everyone
else when they get a royal invite -
squeal with excitement, tell everyone
they know, and buy new shoes.
This is a bad idea.
It shouldn't take much to win
him over. He is, after all
"just
a regular bloke from Brissie."
Then we can watch
the good publicity roll in.
He controls the largest media
conglomerate in Australia.
He's not the editor in chief
of the Goondiwindi Post.
The Goody-whatty-what?
Hunting! Excuse me? Tell him you
like hunting. But I don't.
It is a barbaric practice favoured
only by the stupid and the sadistic.
No wonder my family
enjoy it so much.
Well, you could just say that
you do - to impress him
because he's a hunter.
He loves hunting. He hunts.
My God, I find you irritating.
Your Majesty.
May I present Mr Richard Steele?
Mr Steele.
How lovely of you to join us.
Are those new shoes?
We're bloody killing it these days.
And you want to know why
I'm such a massive success?
Because I give people what they want
from their news, not what they need.
And, er if I may speak freely,
Ma'am? Do, do.
I simply cannot get enough of the absolute
balls up that you're making of things.
Ha-ha! Perhaps that's
a little too free.
Revenues are through the roof.
Oh, and this new story about how
you want to reprint the $5 note
because you don't like your picture?
You are the gift that
keeps on giving, Ma'am.
Well, I don't know where
you've got that idea from,
but it must be fun to speculate.
Would you excuse me just one moment?
Well, this is a nightmare.
The man won't budge.
I've tried humility,
flattery, sorcery.
Did you mention the hunting? I'm not
saying I hunt, you fucking dullard!
How about a little bribery?
Don't we have a knighthood or something
I can slap him round the face with?
Er, there's Order of Australia.
Excellent! Go get one.
It's not really Just GO!
I do apologise.
Now, where were we?
Oh! Yes.
I was just telling you
how much I love this country.
Well, that makes two of us.
I do. I love it.
I was just thinking how wonderful it
would be if it were to love me back.
Right!
How do you see that happening?
Oh I don't know.
I suppose one way would be
I honour you with
the Order of Australia,
then your media outlets
could stop treating me
like I'm some paedo terrorist.
Are you suggesting a quid pro quo?
Who could ever say?
Well, that'd be you, Ma'am.
Because it sounds like you
just tried to bribe me.
No!
Ha! No, no - no, no, no, no, no!
No medals, no bribery,
no quid pro quo.
I don't even speak Latin. Dead
language. Who's got time for that? Not me.
I'm too busy hunting!
Hunting and killing.
That's one of mine.
It's a salmon.
Ah. Fish hunting - I do that, too.
You mean fishing?
Not the way I do it.
You ever hunt a kangaroo?
Does a bear shit in the woods?
Better not when I'm around
because I'll have shot it dead
before it can wipe its arse.
Well, well, well, I might have
had you pegged all wrong.
I was thinking you were just a
stuck-up incompetent waste of space.
And I took you for an avaricious,
insufferable old bore!
How wrong we both were! Wrong.
Yeah, well, maybe we can find a way
of working to our mutual benefit.
Are you suggesting
a quid pro quo?
Who could ever say?
I'm taking my mother roo hunting
this weekend. You should join us.
What do you reckon we roll our
sleeves up and get our hands
"Nice and bloody"?!
That's how our hands will be
after we've been hunting -
"nice and bloody".
That's disgusting. Yes. It is.
As you will soon discover,
because you're coming with me.
No, I can't go hunting.
No - I'm vegan.
Well, I suggest you load up
on hemp balls, Pollyanna,
because you're going
to need your energy.
Another day, another dip
in the polls for Queen Georgiana.
She wants to recall the $5 note
because she doesn't
like the picture.
I mean, what an egomaniac.
This is going to cost our bank
millions of dollars
so she can look prettier
on our $5 note.
No!
Oh, yuck.
Oh, my - is that a man?
It doesn't look good to me.
It doesn't look good at all.
The entitlement of this -
I'm just furious.
She is treating our currency
like her private Instagram.
"I don't like my picture.
I want a new filter."
Was that the first time she saw
the photo, or did she saw
Did she see the photo She would
have had to see the photo. Exactly.
So it's just a waste of money.
You need to let go of this idea
of changing the note.
Absolutely not!
Public opinion
is trending against it!
You can't trust the public -
they don't know anything!
With the greatest respect, Ma'am,
where YOU'RE concerned,
public opinion is everything.
They are our litmus test
and our scoreboard all in one.
I grew up in the public eye.
A little fat ginger princess.
The lesser of the two royals.
And while my golden child
of a brother could do no wrong,
I was vilified for wearing glasses
and eating crisps.
The only words of encouragement I
got from my largely absent parents
were, "Well, darling, no-one
likes a four-eyed tubster!"
So, with the greatest respect,
Zoe
while public opinion
may be everything,
the public can be ignorant
and shallow and cruel.
And if they think I'm going to allow
my ascendancy to this throne
be commemorated with a pocket-sized
opportunity to mock me
every time they pay
for their macchiato,
they're very much mistaken.
Now
set up a meeting
at the Reserve Bank
at which I will tell them they must
reprint all the notes.
And if they question this
catastrophically vain
and reckless course of action,
I will kindly remind them
THAT I'M THE FUCKING QUEEN!
I mean
she did love her crisps.
Your Majesty. Don't get up,
Mr Walsh. This won't take long.
I believe you know why I'm here.
Indeed I do, Ma'am.
So allow me to get to
the heart of the matter.
Setting aside your obvious upset
at the unfortunate mix-up,
it is my duty to remind you
that your role as queen -
while clearly a
benefit to Australia -
is purely ceremonial
in terms of your relationship
with the Reserve Bank,
making your views immaterial.
Any further interference
regarding the banknotes
could be considered a violation
of federal laws
and leave you open to prosecution.
Oh, well, if you can't do it,
you can't do it.
Bye!
It was worth a try!
Who fancies a froyo?
Big Rock Candy Mountain
by Harry McClintock
One evening, as the sun went down
And the jungle fire was burning
Down the track came a hobo hiking
And he said, boys, I'm not turning
I'm headed for a land
that's far away
Beside the crystal fountains
So come with me
We'll go and see
The Big Rock Candy Mountains ♪
You all right there, Grizzly Adams?
This feels so wrong.
I worked for the Humane Society
in Oatley when I left uni.
If they could see me now
We are in the middle
of bum-fuck nowhere.
I think your secret's safe here.
Ma'am, I apologise in advance if my
anxiety gets the better of me today
and I don't use proper protocol.
Your lack of ceremony will be
the least of our problems today.
Your Majesty, I'd like you
to meet my mother, June.
Well, this is lovely.
Pleasure to meet you.
You're holding it upside down, son.
We've got a lovely day for it.
You like to hunt, June?
Oh, she likes to do more than
just hunt, don't you, Mum?
Yeah - like to skin 'em, too.
Nothing better than being elbow-deep
in the entrails of a wild beast
and walking away with a new rug.
All right, should we get going?
Go on!
Good boy. Ha-ha!
Is there anything more peaceful
than
being out here just
at one with nature?
Got the bastard!
Go get him, Oscar - go get him!
You certainly are at home
with a gun in your hands.
Ooh, you should see her
with a bow and arrow. Oh!
Stick an apple on his head
and I'll split it at 30 yards.
Oh! Maybe later, but that's
definitely happening.
So, Richard, I was just very keen to
pick up on our last discussion
Got it! Go get him, Oscar!
Oh, great, now I'm deaf.
I'm just saying, it makes
sense, doesn't it?
The Queen and the media mogul
working together for their mutual benefit.
Too easy! Sh!
Here he is. What is it?
It's a kangaroo, you idiot.
It's beautiful.
This is the big buck I've been
trying to get for the last year.
He is really sneaky
So keep quiet.
Absolutely - we wouldn't want it
to hop away before we blast its head off.
Oh
Oh, for fuck's sake!
My bad. Right, that's it.
We're splitting up.
Better get your rifles
out of your arses
because no-one's going home
until we bag that roo!
I'm in actual hell.
Oh, no, it's all right, I've got it.
Ah!
We're not really going
to shoot anything, are we?
No, of course we're not
going to shoot anything!
God, I'm starving.
Well, you're in luck.
Pretty sure roo burgers
will be on the menu later.
You realise your anxiety's
gone to the next level?
Sorry. It's all right. Please
don't spoil it by apologising.
How are we going to get out of this?
Well, we could just fire off a
shot and say the roo ran away.
Oh, that's a very good idea, Ma'am.
Where? Anywhere.
You shot the roo.
It was an accident.
You killed the roo.
You told me to fire off a shot.
Yes, but not at the bloody roo!
I wasn't trying to shoot the roo!
There's only one thing out here
we didn't want to shoot
and you shot it!
It was your idea!
You are an awful, awful man!
Oh, my God. It's not dead!
Look what you've done!
You've not killed it!
You just said you didn't
want me to kill it!
I didn't want you to shoot it but,
if you were going to shoot it,
you should have shot it
and killed it,
not shot it and not killed it!
Oh, my head is exploding!
It is writhing in agony!
What are we going to do?
Shoot it and kill it, not shoot
it and not kill it again!
Why do I have to do it?
I already shot it once.
Exactly.
I can't do it. Oh-ho! My God,
look at the eyes!
Look, he's looking at me.
Oh, I feel sick.
God, you are absolutely the most
useless thing on this planet!
Give it to me.
Give! It! To! Me!
Oh, my God,
I see what you mean about the eyes!
I can't do it!
Maybe we could save him!
What?! How?!
Well, he's not looking too bad -
we could get him to a vet.
We can get him to a kangaroo vet.
Yes! Yes, there must
be one around here.
We will get him to a kangaroo
vet and we will save him.
You hear that, boy?
We're going to get you some help.
Everything's going to be OK.
Holy shit!
Oh!
That's it, you beauties,
one last shot.
Now, I'm not going
to lie to you guys.
You had me really worried at first.
But I tell you, dropping
a roo from that distance,
and then going in close range,
looking him right in the eyes
and blowing his brains out!
You kidding me?
I assure you, I couldn't make it up.
Your Majesty
you are a stone-cold savage.
I'm all in.
Who's ready for some roo burgers?
Oh.
The note is officially
in circulation, Ma'am.
And may I commend you
on your very convincing speech,
which can't have been easy for you,
given how, shall we say,
viscerally you feel about it?
Mm. Know when to hold 'em,
know when to fold 'em.
Know when to walk away? Quite.
And, lucky for me,
I never carry cash,
so I'll never have to look at
that rancid image again. Hm!
Thank you, Peter.
And, er,
well done on the Kenny Rogers catch!
Can we leave, please?
The whole place
smells of mini quiche.
Who's going to tell her
that's her official portrait?
God, not me.
I'd rather shoot another kangaroo.
The ongoing No, thank you.
..the housing crisis
No. Boring.
Couldn't expect it to be
Commitment ceremony? Yes, please.
So I'm staying.
That's That's easy.
Yeah! Whoo!
Coming up after the break,
our couples
We had a few nights together
and the banter was great and
Oh, no I honestly
thought we had a thing.
But she lured me in,
she spat me out.
And to shut me up, she gave me this.
Oh, no!
Which may or may not be
a royal heirloom.
Stunning revelations there.
And coming up, leaked photos
of Queen Georgiana
that have animal rights activists
up in arms.
FU-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-UCK!
Oh, no
Whose big idea was this, huh?
Oh, no
We had a good thing
Now it looks like
we're stuck with it
Oh, no
The vandal, too hot to handle
The vandal, too hot to handle
Oh, no
The vandal, too hot to handle
The vandal, too hot to handle
Oh, no
The vandal, too hot to handle
The vandal, too hot to handle ♪