Rain Dogs (2023) s01e02 Episode Script

1
Where the fuck have you been hiding?
I messed up.
- Where you staying?
- Back at the flat.
What, you're squatting?
No, Selby sorted it.
So, Florian Selby's
back in the free world.
- God help us all.
- When the shit hits the fan,
sometimes you need a man like Selby.
That's just not true.
I've gotta to work.
I'll make it up to you, yeah?
How are we this fine morning?
Tired. And I've got a
gushing case of the thrush.
Not perfect conditions
for showing my minge.
But, hey, at least we're not homeless.
Heard you got rolled by
the feds the other night.
Yeah, me and the kid got accused
of breaking and entering
into our own home,
which is fucking madness.
- All sorted now?
- Yep.
Normal service has resumed.
I'm skint and shit
out of luck, as usual.
Get on the OnlyFans like everyone else.
No, I don't want that
shit on the internet.
I want people to take
my writing seriously.
Okay.
Pussy check, ladies. Chop, chop.
Writing my confessions ♪
Down in the sand ♪
Pawn the reckless ♪
I got first hand ♪
Costello Jones, isn't it?
- Who the fuck you are you?
- Sophie Fenster.
I I write for the London Reformer.
I follow you online.
I'm I'm a big fan of
what you write and stand for.
I think you're mistaken, darling.
I don't stand for a fucking thing.
The rider approaches ♪
Upon the horizon ♪
I don't talk to journalists either.
No, I I get it. We We're awful.
Do you wanna see my fanny?
I'm not here to judge you.
I'm here to pass the mic.
Well, be prepared to
have it returned sticky.
I'd love to do an interview
with you, Costello.
Fuck your interview, I'm a writer.
I tell my own stories. Thank you.
Come on, you fucking slut.
Okay, well, how about
you write your story?
About working here. In your own words.
Yeah, but I want paying for it.
Well, how much do you want?
Five hundred.
And I'm not writing any sad stories.
I'm not going to be your
liberals' victim of the week.
I think this might be the
break you've been dreaming of.
What is this? A fucking job center?
Take off your knickers, come on.
- Fuck you, I'll do it.
- Yes.
Yes. Yes.
It was well weird when you weren't here.
Mom went wine crazy.
I think I'm gonna need therapy.
Who do you think you are? Tony Soprano?
Well, I'm more of a Christopher type.
And I don't want none of that CBT crap.
It's Dr. Melfi or nothing.
Oh, you wanna go private, do you?
- Harley Street?
- Yeah.
Well, look it never work
for me, but I can certainly
look into it for you.
How long you going to keep this up for?
I've apologized like 15 times.
- What you apologizing for?
- Dad.
Everything. Taking a selfie
with that hot dead guy.
And getting pissed at work.
Taking the shit in the mourners' toilet
and blaming it on the old widow.
- Driving the hearse while high on E that time
- Stop talking.
Do a girl a favor and forgive me.
Good job on him.
How many guests we got?
Poor old bastard
had hardly any family and
no money, so probably none.
But make it nice.
put some music on, in
case someone does show up.
No, don't show them to
Fen, he's a big cheat.
Go easy on him.
So, what was it like
looking after your mom?
Tiring.
It was a nightmare.
I was very frightened.
Sometimes I thought I'd
never get out. Never
get away from her.
Well, it sounds horrible.
Hmm. She made me sleep in a bunk bed.
- Oh, no, that's cool.
- No, it wasn't cool.
Creaked every time I turned over,
the mattress was lumpy
and the sheets scratched my skin.
- What's he saying?
- Nothing.
Now, say "Mahjong."
- Mahjong!
- And take everyone's money.
No. When you win, you
don't say "Mahjong,"
you say, "Hu Le."
So, you lose.
Hu Le!
I saw a werewolf with a
Chinese menu in his hand ♪
Walking through the
streets of Soho in the rain ♪
He was looking for the
place called Lee Ho Fooks ♪
Gonna get a big dish
of beef chow mein ♪
Ah-hoo ♪
Werewolves of London ♪
This looks like my kinda party.
Oh, my God, I am so sorry.
Nah, it's fine, mate.
Werewolves of London ♪
Ah-hoo ♪
I am sorry for your loss.
Let's get a look at him, then.
You better not let him in ♪
This is the first time
I've seen him in 45 years.
He looks better than I remember.
I'll give you some time alone.
Would you mind staying?
Wanna have a drink with the old man.
Werewolves of London ♪
Start that track again, will you?
He'd have loved it.
As long as you're not
expecting me to dance for you.
Oh, no, no. I don't day drink, no more.
Oh, fuck it.
I saw a werewolf
with a Chinese menu ♪
To Dad.
Selby, I feel like
I'm in a movie montage.
Oh, that's how I live my life.
Just make sure it's
a good movie, darling.
Mahjong!
Ah-hoo ♪
Is this disrespectful?
From what I remember of him,
this is probably the
only thing I've done
that would've make him proud.
Hello, bubs.
How's the genius writer doing?
Come on, you need a break.
Just need to make sure
that this is really good.
Yes, it will be,
just stick some duck in your
gob and take five minutes.
- Give me a sec.
- Come on!
Can't believe you're writing
for those champagne socialists.
Oh, look, look, look.
The only way they'd let
you into the liberal palace
is if you're bloody cleaning it.
Hmm. I'll just have to
break the locks then.
Here.
Wish we could do this
all again tomorrow.
We can't 'cause Ava's party.
Can we get her a decent present?
Can't get rich people
shit from Argos, can you?
I love you.
Love you, too.
Costello,
I've got a new man. He's
old as fuck, let me in.
- Oh, hey!
- How you doing, all right?
This is Paul.
I can't believe you've done this.
Chill out, you soppy bitch.
Dad was gonna throw
it in the skip anyway.
Selby is here.
Oh, is he?
Well, we aren't afraid of
Florian Selby, are we, Paul?
Maybe. Who's Florian Selby?
Yes, Gloria, who is Florian Selby?
- Some public school prick.
- Objection!
And he just got out of prison.
For protecting Costello, Paul.
This is all very entertaining,
but I do have a deadline
- tomorrow.
- Yes.
Thank you for stopping by.
Absolute pleasure to meet you, Paul.
And, uh If you are planning
intercourse with this one,
may I suggest three condoms.
Two on the cock, one on
the head, just be safe.
Costello, he's insane.
This is why you were locked up, Selby.
Go away!
That's not helping.
Lenny, are you decent?
Aren't you filthy?
Right.
Here we go.
Sir.
We're waiting for you to start.
Ah, yes.
Yes.
Gentlemen
welcome to Punch Club.
First rule of Punch Club,
you don't punch anyone.
Second rule of Punch Club, you do not
punch anyone, seriously,
it defeats the purpose
of you being here.
It's kind of the point.
- The third rule of Punch Club
- What are you doing?
I'm your new group leader.
Oh, God.
What's your name?
- Uh, Selby.
- Fucking dickhead.
- Florian Selby.
- Mm, that's right.
Sit down, please, Florian.
My name is Matt.
And this is a
rehabilitation group for men
who have committed violent crimes.
You should know it is a requirement
of your probation to
regularly attend this group
or you will be returned to prison.
This is no joke.
Would you
Thank you, darling.
I'm writing a thing
for the London Reformer
and they are getting all
the gory details, so
Come on, do your worst.
Be as filthy as you like,
it's all going in my article.
Well, don't they dare change my name.
I'm Lenny Wilson. Proud pervert.
Don't piss on my hard-on.
I may not be famous for my art
but I wanna leave something behind.
What are you doing? You cold?
Oh, no, darling, just nothing worse
than frigid hands on a warm cock.
Tell your readers
why I've been banned from the peep show.
Because it's bad etiquette to
spunk on a peep booth window.
It stains.
Wokeness gone mad.
Not my fault I've got stubborn cum.
Oh.
You are a cleaner, Costello.
You've done such a good job.
You're a real cleaner, aren't you?
Tell me you're a real cleaner,
I've always wanted one.
Yes, I'm a real cleaner.
I mean, it really isn't coming out.
I'll have to get some
white vinegar on it,
- but want me to keep going?
- Mm. Mm.
I knocked my missus around for years.
She always let me back.
But I never changed.
This time though
it's different.
Tell you what it is
Paintball.
I go paintball every Saturday.
Shoot a load of kids,
treat myself to some extra ammo,
smoke bombs, armed to the teeth.
Get generations of
violence out of my system.
Then I go home.
Missus cooks a nice bit of dinner.
We make love.
Lovely.
Oh, my God! I think I prefer prison.
Matthew, who do I need to
suck off to get out of here?
Ugh. It's an awful life we live,
but we do it with such dignity.
Thanks, babe.
Lenny, can I steal
one of your paintings?
Iris has a birthday party.
Better take a present for
the mom, stuck-up bitch.
Take Take that.
Your ex-wife's vag?
Oh, you can't give that away.
Oh, she always did, very generous woman.
What does that remind me of?
How should I know it? All I see is gash.
You're like a dad to me Lenny.
One who rapes me.
Oh, God.
Might work.
Really looks like a pussy though.
Oh, oh, I love it.
Thank you.
That is a very moving sunset.
It looks familiar.
Somewhere in India, perhaps?
I see a symbol of transience.
Oh.
I don't think we're looking
at something tangible.
- Right.
- Mm.
So, Iris told Ava you're a writer.
Yes.
Oh, what are you
working on at the moment?
Um, an undercover, uh, project,
um, at at a peep show.
That is fascinating.
Yeah. I mean, I get right
in amongst it, It's
Oh, what, like Stacey Dooley?
Uh, yeah, a little bit, uh,
but think more Tom Wolfe,
Joan Didion, you know,
like, reporting the truth, subjectively,
using fictional techniques.
Sounds amazing.
- You are very bright.
- Oh.
You should have gone to university.
I did. I got a First
in English at Durham.
Wow.
I might have a cracking pair of tits,
but I'm also pretty
fucking clever, so
We can't wait to read it.
- Oh, God.
- And it's
in.
Oh.
Costello, a respectable
man is here for you.
- Come.
- Hi. Hi, Costello.
- Yeah.
- I'm Richard. Hi.
I'm here to, um, get some
photos for your article.
Um, everyone else here,
you can just relax,
uh, like I'm not here.
Um,
I read some of your old
pieces online the other day.
Very funny. I'm looking
forward to this one.
Thanks.
- Where do you want me?
- Um
- Yeah, wherever you're comfortable.
- Okay.
Yeah. That's very nice.
Very good. Yeah. To me. Oh, yeah.
Um, just head down, just
a touch. Yeah. Wonderful.
Well done. Yeah.
What do you think? Cool, yeah?
Right, shall we get a picture
of you in your costume?
Uh, no.
No one asked Hemingway to
get his tits out, did they?
Good night with Aunty G?
Yeah, showed her The Sopranos finale
and she said she felt cheated.
What do you expect? It's Aunty G.
God, look at this prick on his scooter.
Today, Mommy,
your name's gonna be in the newspaper
and not for a crime.
Yeah, you're right.
All my friends' moms
are gonna read about it.
And soon we won't be poor.
You're a real writer now.
Yeah, suppose I am. I am a real writer.
Oh, what you got,
a fucking paper round?
Her Majesty treat you well?
Oh, as well as she would
treat one of her sons.
Mm-hmm.
Prison's like boarding school I bet.
No, no, no, no, no, it's
much lovelier than that.
It's not your article, darling.
They've turned your words
into a sad little interview.
They fucked me.
Of course she lied to me.
Come on.
Come on, come, come, come.
Costello Jones says, "I'm not ashamed
to use my body to pay the rent.
Sex work is real work."
I never fucking said that.
Iris is gonna be so embarrassed.
- God, I want a drink.
- Mm.
No, you don't.
I'm 106-days sober,
is this my life now?
Why can't I have a glass of
wine like a normal human being?
Because, darling, when you
drink, bad things happen.
I knew it was risky, writing this.
Well, writing is the
most dangerous sport.
Do you want me to have her whacked?
Fuck her. She's going in my novel,
and she's going to be a fucking monster.
Yeah, well, the best revenge, of course,
is winning the Man Booker Prize.
They would have done
the same to Jean Genet
if he had a cunt, wouldn't they?
Undoubtedly.
Fuck her. Just keep doing your writing.
- What you calling this book?
- Oh, fuck knows.
I need to get my head down,
finish it, find a publisher,
finally make Iris proud.
I gotta hand it to
you, you don't die easy.
Ooh.
Why you are here? There's
still customers out there
with handfuls of coins and cocks.
Oh!
Done for the night, so
I'll see you next week.
Get back on stage.
Okay then, get your hairy
ass out of here. You're fired.
Oh, she ain't got no hairy ass.
And don't forget to
take your pussy with you.
And I ain't no pussy. Rude!
Do you think he's got
little man syndrome?
- Yeah.
- He's a bit of a weirdo.
Solidarity, sister.
As performative gestures
go, I've seen better.
- Seen better today.
- What's this?
Uh, the photographer from that thing.
Yeah, I I just wanted
you to know that, um,
I had no idea that Sophie
was going to fuck you over.
- Hmm.
- I mean, it is fucking weird,
but you've got to hand it to him,
done a thing.
Uh, would you like to
grab a coffee or something?
Do you pick up girls outside
peep shows often or
Uh, no. No, no, this
this would be my first.
Well, he's good value, ain't he?
Okay, go on then.
Yeah?
Taking real risk with that
one. Big old mouth on her.
And very mangled minge.
Thank you for that, Konstantin.
Well, no one's perfect.