Raising Hope s01e02 Episode Script

Good morning.
I was just making sure you were still breathing.
You are, in case you were wondering.
I'm sorry your first couple days here have been a little rough.
Not only do I have no idea what I'm doing, but my parents had me when they were 15, so they're pretty much clueless as well.
And that thing that happened yesterday with your great-great Maw Maw Mom! Ow! No biting! Let's just say I promise it will never happen again.
Jimmy! Hey.
You wanna go fake fight on the bridge? We're gonna throw each other into the river, and watch people freak out as they drive by.
Oh, man, that sounds awesome.
I can't.
Remember that girl I got pregnant, that murdered those people? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
They executed her.
I got stuck with the baby.
Not stuck Didn't mean stuck.
I'm cool with it.
I gotta watch what I say.
I don't know if she understands words yet.
Anyway, I can't go jump off a bridge.
I got a baby now.
Here we go, oh, oh, oh Daddy-o, oh, oh, oh Let it roll, oh, oh, oh Like a jelly roll, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh Here we go, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh Oh, sweet, you made breakfast turtles.
It's a good batch, too.
It's gonna give her ham-and-egg-topuses a run for their money.
How'd the second night of sleeping go? She cried a few times, but she settled down once I got in the crib with her.
You got in the crib with her? For a little bit, yeah.
Why, is that weird? - It's a little weird.
- It's a lot weird.
Well, I can't just let her cry.
I'm pretty sure she already hates me.
She never smiles.
Yeah, I noticed that.
I was making funny faces at her last night for, like, an hour.
Nothing.
Maybe she's just a bitch.
- She's not a bitch.
- How do you know? She's the daughter of a serial killer.
Some of that evilness has to be hermeditary.
Hey, where's Mike's tent? Here.
"Guys, met a chick, joined a cult.
Later.
" Again? I think he's serious this time.
He shaved his head.
Ew! Not just his head.
With your cousin Mike gone, I'm gonna need you to work twice as hard today.
You might wanna eat an extra turtle.
Oh, crap, work.
I didn't even think about work.
What am I supposed to do with the baby? Well, you'll figure it out, man.
Your mother and I both worked when we had you.
See you tonight, Jimmy.
I used to sit in front of this thing for hours.
I'd pretend the deer's parents left him in the woods to stare at me while they went to work.
I'm sure that's what the deer's parents would have done if they'd had to.
Guess I'll just have to take Hope to work with me.
People do that, right? Bring their babies to work? Yeah.
I feel like I've seen that.
Morning, Wilfred.
Gonna see if the milkman has come yet.
I'm not your dead husband, Maw Maw.
Woah, hey, I thought I talked to you about this.
You can't smoke around the baby.
Jimmy, smoke rises.
She's not gonna be tall enough to breathe it for a long time.
Why don't you just quit? What? When we were young, I thought it made you look like dirty Sandy at the end of Grease, but the older I get, the less I'm enjoying the taste of your mouth.
Gross.
You gonna get her to quit smoking, too? 'Cause as long as she's exhaling, there's gonna be smoke in this house anyway.
So if I get her to quit, you'll quit? Sure.
Maw Maw, how would you feel about quitting smoking? Ah! Good luck with that.
Grab your baby.
Let's get to work.
No, I totally understand.
Now that you point it out, I do see how she could lose a limb or be killed.
I'll get day care for her, I promise.
You know, you could have just said something to us.
Tattletale! Hello.
Sabrina, right? Yeah.
Oh, hey.
Guy with the baby.
It's Jimmy.
My name is Jimmy.
Am I crazy, or did this place get a little cowboy-ish since last week? New owner.
Apparently, he thinks the customers will buy more food if the employees look like a bunch of jackasses.
Hey, check it out.
That crazy lady comes in here with a roll of "day-old" stickers and she puts them on the new bread so she doesn't have to pay full price.
Well, it was nice seeing you again.
Jimmy, hold up.
Hey, do you guys do discounts on day-old anything else, or is it just bread? Sorry, it's just bread.
So, is this your wife? - Mom.
- Mom? I had him when I was young.
I don't recommend it.
- Thanks.
- Sabrina, could you giddy up over here with that step stool? I can't reach the top shelf on Mustard's Last Stand.
So, is that her? She's cute.
Nice dumper.
You gonna ask her out? Not with you here.
You should ask her if she babysits.
Kill two birds with one stone.
Let's just go.
Did Jimmy tell you he's looking for a babysitter? You don't babysit, do you? No.
My cousin does, though.
She runs a day care center out of her parents' house.
It's on the same street where the dancing homeless guy hangs out.
His name's Dan, Dancin' Dan.
And he's not our cousin.
Not our cousin.
Jimmy, time to get up.
Get that baby to day care.
That's weird, man.
Weird.
Okay, Daddy's gonna leave you at day care so he can go to work.
But before I go, one little smile to get me through the day.
Come on.
Come on.
You're not gonna smile, are you? I know in prison that was a sign of weakness, but you're out in the real world now.
It's okay to let your guard down.
And that's why we don't eat glue Oh, my God, Jimmy? - Excuse me? - It's me.
Shelley.
I don't believe this.
I don't believe it either.
So you're gonna call me tomorrow, right? This is so weird.
I, like, lost your number, and I didn't know how to Wow, that was, like, two years ago.
I don't even You're probably married.
- Nope.
- Boyfriend? - Nope.
- Wow.
Wow, oh, this is crazy.
Well, I see you've been busy.
Baby, but no ring on our finger? Somebody's still a naughty boy.
Yes, still naughty.
Was naughty.
Trying to be less naughty now.
I'm a dad setting a good example.
Anyway, I was looking for day care, but I don't have a ton of cash, so maybe this wasn't even the best Oh, no, are you kidding? For you, I think we could work something out.
You still like this? No! Ow! I don't think that was me.
I hope she did okay on her first day.
As soon as I get up there, start honking the horn.
I don't wanna get stuck talking to Shelley.
Hey, looking good, Dan.
Sorry you lost the election.
I bet you would have made a fine comptroller.
Oh, hey.
Come on in.
I can't.
My dad's really in a hurry.
Wow.
He is in a hurry.
Well, sit down.
I was just getting ready to sing a song to the troops.
Great.
After our little incident today, I think it's time we remind ourselves about boundaries.
So everybody pay attention.
Rusty.
Sometimes things can make you sad Sometimes things can make you mad You might be feeling mangy Or your diapers might need changing Or your diaper might need changing I don't know But whatever it is that's got you grumpy A thorn in your paw or a great big dumpy You need to stay calm and follow my golden rule Don't bite Don't bite I know it's your way of protection But bites can lead to infection In some cases, it's a form of affection But don't bite What the hell is that? I can't get her to quit.
She burns me every time I bring it up, so I built her a bubble.
It's loosely based on the plans that cousin Mike had when he was trying to invent the walk-in bong.
And technically, as long as she stays in here, there's no smoke in the house.
So you have to quit.
No, I don't.
If she gets a bubble, I want a bubble.
Hello.
Look who was nice enough to give me a ride home.
Hi, I'm Shelley.
Jimmy and I hooked up a while back.
Just some kissing and heavy petting.
Nice to meet you.
Well, thanks for the ride.
I should probably get Hope to bed.
I'll do it.
I got her to take a nap today, no problem.
Then maybe we can go rent a movie.
Who wants to go to Sleepytown? You wanna go to Sleepytown, don't you? Okay, my fuzzy bunny, okay.
Did you see that? She smiled.
Hope smiled at her.
Maybe your baby's not a bitch.
Well, you're stuck with your dead-tooth little girlfriend now.
Not only is it free day care, she's the only person your kid likes.
What's going on in there? That is a bit of a design flaw.
Hold your breath, Maw Maw.
Help's on the way.
Oh, we can't go to this register.
It's 15 items or less.
We've got a movie rental and a box of brownie mix.
I'm not done shopping.
Let's go.
Don't worry.
It's my cousin.
She won't care.
- Hey.
- What up, dirtball? - Baby guy.
- Jimmy.
Jimmy.
Look at you two, hanging out.
Yeah, well, she's watching Hope now, so Two years ago, at a party, we got about three quarters of the way between second and third base, and now we're practically raising a baby together.
Get a room, us! Not me.
Still not me.
This is wild.
Yep, it's pretty wild, but we're probably gonna take it kind of slow.
Condoms! I forgot condoms.
Sorry.
I had no idea that you hooked up with my cousin.
It seems like I've put you in a bad situation.
No, it's fine.
Really? 'Cause you kind of have this kidnap-victim look in your eyes, like maybe you should be holding up a copy of today's newspaper.
No, it's cool.
I mean, I don't know.
It's not It's okay.
She's cool.
She's not charging me for day care, so that's good.
Twelve-pack! Purple, slim fit.
Help me.
Oh, man, Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo.
I've been dying to see this movie.
You know, I'm off soon.
Would you guys care for some company? Yeah! That would be great! The more the merrier! I mean, if that's okay with you.
That's all right.
She won't see anything.
We'll be under a blanket.
Hey! Hey! Hey! You should have been here, Jimmy.
We almost made a trash truck swerve into some white chick on a moped.
Cool.
You guys wanna come over? We're hanging out at my house.
Sure.
These are my best friends.
Is that a deal-breaker with us? No way.
Right now? She's coming over now? Soon.
I've got Javier and Marcus coming over, too.
I figured you guys can all keep Shelley busy while I spend some time with Sabrina.
And I need you to hide all the blankets.
All right.
You need to put a nicer shirt on.
Go.
See if you have something with a V-neck.
I'm seeing a lot of V-necks lately.
So, what's the deal with the rotten chomper, sweetheart? Funny you should ask.
I keep it as a conversation starter.
What are you doing? Waiting for your mother.
Gross.
We're gonna have sex.
I realize that.
That's why I said "Gross.
" Can you shut the door? No.
I shut the door, she forgets I'm back here, waiting.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Sorry about being late.
There was an accident out on the bridge.
- We brought beer.
- Great.
You need me to We? Oh.
- What's up? - What's up? Jimmy, this is my boyfriend, Wyatt.
Wyatt, this is Jimmy.
Cool V-neck.
Where'd you get it? My room.
Hello.
Mom, you've met Sabrina.
This is her boyfriend, Wyatt.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Nice to meet you.
Boyfriend and girlfriend, huh? How long's that been going on, a couple weeks? No, a couple years now.
Wow, that's great! So, Wyatt, what do you do? You work at the grocery store, you're a bag boy? No, ma'am.
I go to college in New York.
I'm studying finance.
Come on in.
Hey, that dude cleans my parents' pool.
'Sup? Couldn't find any blankets.
The best I could do was a beach towel.
I don't wanna do this.
Is it the tooth? 'Cause I've got Wite-Out in my purse.
No, it's not the tooth.
It's just, I like your cousin, which is stupid because I know that she has a boyfriend, but I can't help it.
That's fine.
Well, are you mad? Jimmy, we hooked up at a party two years ago, you live with your parents, you have a baby and you clean pools for a living.
I think I'll get over it.
Does that mean you'll keep watching Hope? 'Cause she really likes you.
In fact, you're the only person she likes.
Of course I will, for 60 bucks a week.
Excuse me.
Hey, what's going on out here? I've had to rewind our lovemaking cassette six times already.
- We gonna do this or what? - Sorry.
They asked me to play, and my team keeps winning.
What are all you guys doing in my backyard? - And where is my Buick Skylark? - Uh-oh.
Somebody found her marbles.
Good, I've been waiting for this.
Maw Maw, I'm your grandson-in-law, Burt.
You've lost your mind and you're never lucid for very long, so listen up.
I understand.
Go.
Let's do this.
We'd like you to quit smoking.
What are you talking about? You guys aren't letting me smoke, are you? I quit smoking in 1971.
You did? Yeah, I quit when Virginia was born.
You quit smoking for me? If you're Virginia, yeah.
I wanted to live long enough to see what you'd grow up to be.
- Doesn't look like it was worth the wait.
- Thanks.
I guess you can die now.
You wish.
That's why you're letting me smoke, you're trying to kill me.
No one is trying to kill you.
And we won't let you smoke anymore.
In fact, since you're quitting, no one in this house is gonna smoke anymore.
Good luck with that.
Go, go, go, go, go, go! Hey.
Hey.
Brought you some brownies.
Her tooth may be dead, but her baking skills are alive and well.
Thanks.
You okay? Yeah.
I mean, I'm bummed Sabrina has a boyfriend, but I'm actually more worried Shelley knows I'm not into her.
I gotta figure out how to pay for day care again.
That's the funny thing about having a kid.
They come with their own set of problems.
Make everything else you were worried about seem kind of silly.
- Here.
- What's this? My cigarette money.
I want you to use it to pay for Hope's day care.
You're gonna quit smoking? Yep.
I want to stick around to see what you turn her into.
I've had five beers, and that girl with the crappy Chiclet's starting to look pretty good.
So, you might wanna make your way into the bedroom, pronto.
I gotta go take care of this.
Gross.
Somebody's gotta go to sleep soon, don't they? Yes, you do! Mom, she did it! She smiled at me.
She likes me.
She finally likes me.
Well, at least you got one girl to fall in love with you tonight.
Don't you like me? Don't you like me so much? English - US - SDH