Real Rob (2015) s01e02 Episode Script

Do you have to eat that? What? Those potato chips.
I don't have to, no.
Would I like to? Yes.
It's not good for the baby.
What's not good for the baby? Those chips.
They have GMO's in them.
GM what? GMOs.
Genetically modified organisms.
Specifically corn, that has pesticides built into them by evil food conglomerates.
So? So, when bugs eat them, they explode.
From the inside out.
So, you're still breastfeeding at night.
That could get into your breast milk and affect the baby.
Make the baby's brain dumb.
Really? Well, let me tell you something.
The only thing that could make our baby's brain dumber it would be your old sperm.
What? Yes.
Your almost 50 year old, cold war era sperm.
God knows what you did to yourself in the 80s and 90s.
Your ancient jizz, crawling up my fallopian tubes exhausted and out of breath tripping up their walkers and falling on top of my young, beautiful, precious egg.
And accidentally fertilizing it.
So, if the baby's dumb it's because of your old sperm.
Don't blame my potato chip.
Can I have one? Mmm-hmm.
Hey, Miranda, I'm coming now.
Holy shit! Sorry about that, I was just practising.
Practising what? How fast you can make somebody throw up in the morning? If you don't mind I'd like to feed the baby.
I've already fed the baby.
- You gave Miranda her guacamole? - Yes.
Then, I'm gonna take Miran I'm gonna take Miranda to the park.
I already took her to the park.
Where was I? You were either sleeping or playing Candy Crush.
How do you know that? Because those are the only things I have ever seen you do.
You haven't taken the dog for a walk, have you? I did, but much earlier this morning.
What time did you get up, last night? Excuse me, I'll get her.
Would you mind wearing something that shows a little less dick? Sure, no problem.
Honey! Can we talk about our new nanny? Sure, what's up? He just had his balls hanging over our kitchen counter.
Mmhmm We keep our food and our fruit up there.
That's what kitchen counters are for.
They're not for hanging balls up there.
It's fine.
I don't need his kiwis next to our kiwis.
I told him it was okay.
That's the safest place for him to practise.
We're going to have to have that whole counter deballed.
Can we just get a real nanny? Like normal rich people? Honey, this is exactly what rich people do.
They get hot nannies.
Well, I've gotta get ready for work.
That's getting ready for work? That's my job.
You get baked before you even go in there? I have to check out this new Grey Vape Hydroponic Indigo.
It's my homework and I didn't get a chance to smoke it last night.
I have to be able to tell the customers what kind of high they're gonna get.
So, let me get this straight.
At your job, if they drug test you and you come up clean you get fired? You know, I don't bug you about your job.
Kissing somebody else's ass all day? Oh My job is not kissing somebody's ass all day? I handle very important things for a very important Excuse me.
Hey Rob, what's going on man? What are you doing? You know what was on TV last night again? - What's that? - The Animal.
I dunno how you were able to be all those different animals.
Stop it.
Thanks man, I was in really good shape back then.
Hey, where are you? Just getting your ginger, turmeric asshole and lemon juice, apple juice.
I made sure it was all organic myself.
I'm not gonna let them bone you, man.
What's that noise? Oh, they're just making your juice.
Stop it, come on.
It's 11:30.
You're supposed to be here at ten.
That's what time work starts.
Dude, just because I'm not there doesn't mean I'm not doing stuff for you.
What stuff are you working on? All sorts of stuff.
Your flights, your juice.
Chemical free dry cleaning, ordering your vitamins.
Just get over here.
Dude, but seriously.
- The Animal, it is a classic, man.
- Yeah, classic Feel good about that one.
Get over here.
Come on! How's it going, Stalker? Hey, Robby.
Hey, can I ask you a question.
Sure.
Sure.
What do you think of Udo? Why, are you jealous? No.
Besides, he likes guys.
What makes you think that? I don't think he's gay.
What are you talking about? He's ripped and hairless.
That's like the gay uniform.
Look, ripped guys give off these pheromones.
And chicks pick up on that.
Pheromones? It's like a fuck perfume.
Trust me.
You don't want to have ripped guy fuck perfume in your house.
Patricia doesn't want to have another baby.
I do, but she wants to make sure that we don't have another accident.
I mean, she wants to make absolutely sure.
I mean she wants me to get a You are getting a vasectomy.
Where's all this coming from? I don't wanna have another kid, so that's it.
I'm pretty careful.
See that over there? Not so careful.
I'm not saying have another baby now.
But maybe when Miranda gets a little older, she might want a little brother to play with.
You don't like your brother and sister.
Yeah, but they don't have to all be like mine.
Bunch of fame leeching money vampires.
You had a brother growing up, that was good, right? You know I hate my brother.
He annoyed me my entire childhood.
- We can handle it.
- We? I'm the one that does everything.
I do stuff.
I'm up with the baby every night while you sleep.
You never get up and help.
Yes, I do.
I'm changing diapers, getting pissed on.
While you're on the phone with your agent talking about stupid shit.
No I'm not.
Dude, I've got this weird thing going on with my thumb right now.
Let me take a picture and send it to you.
Hey, shhh, Miranda, come on, keep it down.
I appreciate everything you do for me.
I'm not doing it for you.
I'm doing it for the baby.
That's what I mean, for the baby.
You might think about having another kid for her to play with.
Miranda is such a good baby.
The first one is always good.
And the secone one is always a disaster.
You're getting a vasectomy.
Or at least wear a condom.
Well, that's not gonna happen.
Well, then get a vasectomy.
Okay, I don't know anything about it.
These are my balls we're talking about here.
My balls.
Can I at least look into it? Of course.
And take your time.
Oh.
Thank God.
I already made him an appointment for next week.
I'm at the age now where every commercial on TV seems aimed at me.
You watch TV.
"Are you tired?" "Do you not have the energy you used to have? You could have low T.
Low testosterone.
" They should just come out and say what they really mean.
"Is your dick no good?" "You could have NGD, no good dick.
You need some testosterone or something.
Pretty soon you'll be out in the back yard playing baseball using your dick as the bat, you know.
" I feel sorry for the guys in those commercials because those are people.
They live somewhere, you know.
They have a family, people know them.
They go shopping.
Yeah, that'll be 24.
99, hey, you're the dick guy, look at that.
I'm an actor, I auditioned with a lot of other actors.
Yeah, but they picked you.
Your face just screams out something wrong with my dick.
You like daddy's beard? Mommy doesn't have one.
On her face.
Udo.
Put her in the crib.
Okay, the head.
The most important part is the head.
Watch the head.
That's the big one.
Okay, thank you.
Vasectomies can cause dementia? Mother Jamie, Jamie! Okay.
Jamie, juice! Hurry up! Just a second.
My juice, Jamie! There you go.
Patricia wants me to have my balls cut off.
One of the potential side effects is dementia.
A lot of guys have vasectomies, you'll be fine.
These are my balls we're talking about here.
It makes it slightly more serious.
The blood testes barrier is broken and your brain can get attacked by anti-sperm antibodies.
That can't be good.
At least I can still ejaculate.
I like to ejaculate.
Well, Jamie.
I've got a friend of mine meeting me at Starbucks in about 15 minutes, so we should get over there.
Okay.
He's had a vasectomy, he's gonna tell me all about it.
Oh, good.
So, let's do it.
Alright.
Today? Yeah, we can do it today.
Get the car.
Okay! I think your brain's being attacked by anti-sperm antibodies.
We'll be okay, buddy.
Hi, Norm, good to see you.
Good to see you, man.
I thought we were supposed to meet at Starbucks.
Oh hey, listen Rob.
I just want to thank you for agreeing to meet with me.
It sure means the world to me.
I called you to meet me.
You did? Well, that's nice too.
Anyway, Patty wants me to have a vasectomy.
Oh, my goodness.
That's quite a coincidence.
I have had a vasectomy.
I know, that's why I called you.
How about that, eh? So, tell me about it.
About what? - The vasectomy.
- Oh, the vasectomy! Yes, yes.
Well, first of all, you must know that they don't put you out.
You're fully awake for the entire procedure.
- They don't put you out? - No, you're awake.
And then the doctor comes in and he's like "I'm a really funny doctor, all the other doctors say I'm the funniest guy.
How do you get into comedy anyway, Norm?" And I'm like "Good Lord, man.
Concentrate, you're cutting my balls.
" Patty said it was a minor procedure.
Well, you tell Patricia that whenever your balls are involved it is not a minor procedure.
And whenever your balls and cutting are involved well, then that is a major procedure.
Very major.
But they give you a shot, right? Yeah, they give you a shot.
Thank God.
In the balls.
A shot in your balls? In the balls.
Do they give you a pre-shot first? Yeah, a pre-shot in the balls.
It's more painful than the shot.
That sounds horrible.
It gets worse.
- Worse? - Yeah, the smell.
The smell? The smell of burning flesh.
They use a laser to go into your skin.
But it makes your balls just boil.
On the internet they said one of the potential side effects was dementia.
Yeah, well, don't believe everything you read on the internet.
- Oh.
- By the way.
I love your show on CBS and I'd like to be a regular on it.
It got cancelled two years ago.
If you don't want me to be on the show, that's fine.
You okay? Oh, yeah, I am.
Sure, I'm fine.
Actually, I should run.
I'm supposed to meet a buddy of mine, old friend from SNL over at Starbucks.
He's got a little private problem with his private area if you know what I mean.
I probably shouldn't tell you who it is but I can't resist.
It's Rob Schneider.
- - Oh, shit.
Hey, what a surprise.
So good to see you.
Please tell me you weren't just blowing your friend.
No, no, I was just picking something up off the floor.
It smells like a cock.
Oh, honey.
You know, you should check out this new stuff we just got in.
Space Case sativa.
You smoke it, you don't even know who you are anymore.
It's called instant brain death.
You just said it was called Space Case sativa.
No, it's called instant brain death.
And people want that? Yeah, they do.
Here.
I'm driving for Rob right now.
So I can't.
You know who came in here before and bought up almost all the instant brain death? Norm MacDonald.
He smoked two spliffs right here in the store.
We're gonna run out of this stuff soon.
Maybe I could just have one small hit.
Thank you, appreciate it.
Hey Jamie.
You look great.
How long have you been here? I don't know, it's hard to tell.
Maybe a half hour.
I watched a bunch of Youtube videos probably eleven of them are about three minutes each.
One of them I watched about 20 times.
So I dunno, what did you just ask me? I just got here myself.
Cool man, we're both here now.
You know how? In a fucking cab! You just drove off and left me there, you moron.
Norm didn't drive you home? What a dick.
It's not Norm's job to drive me home, it's your job.
I had to take a taxi to get back.
One of those stinky Priuses.
Now my whole suit stinks.
Dude, I'm not just gonna wait for you when I could be doing stuff for you, okay.
Just because I'm not there in front of you working, does not mean I'm not somewhere else not not working that's just not in front of you.
Are you fucking high right now? I had a little instant brain death.
I think it really fucking works.
Maybe you can help me out after all.
Anything.
Anything? Anything.
- Hi.
- Hello.
I know I'm just here for a consultation today - Mmm-hmm.
- but can you ask if Dr.
Schwartz can squeeze in an actual vasectomy? Hmm Let me check.
Remind him, I made a little donation to his charity.
I forget which one.
It's a Jewish thing about taking land away from Palestinian children or something like that.
Let me just call.
I don't think this is a good idea.
Don't worry, it'll be fine.
He said he could squeeze you in.
It's not for me, it's for my assistant.
Just have him fill out that form.
- This one? - Mmm-hmm.
Thank you.
Okay, fill this shit out.
Are you sure you don't want to have children? Just put yes.
But I'm not sure.
What if I want to have kids? Come on, they're a pain in the ass.
I like kids.
No you don't.
You can always have this reversed, probably.
And if you're still working for me, I'll pay for half of it.
Are you sure you're ready for this procedure? - I don't think I'm ready for this.
- Shh.
I don't think I should be making decisions this important when I'm this high.
There's nothing on there about not smoking weed.
High is probably a good thing.
This is gonna be good.
This way I'll know exactly what it's like and I'll be able to decide if I really want one.
You just relax, I'll fill it out.
Okay? Allergic to antibiotics, no.
I am allergic to antibiotics.
Not all of them, come on, there's a bunch.
Loose bowels, hell yeah.
Showered recently, probably not.
Okay, here we go.
Okay.
This is all happening so fast.
Okay.
We still have a while to think about it.
Yeah, sure.
We can see you now.
Okay, come on, let's go.
Get in there, come on.
Go get 'em.
Okay.
Too much testosterone, that's not any good either.
That's worse, I think.
Guys in their twenties have too much testosterone.
Guys in their twenties lose their mind over a woman.
Guys in their twenties are like "If I don't bang that girl right now I'm gonna blow my brains out!" Guys in their forties are like "If I don't bang that girl I'm gonna get something to eat.
" What's open? Let's get some soup.
So, how's the patient? Hey, man.
You doing okay? What's that? That's a juice from Whole Foods.
Aww.
Thanks man.
You should've told me you wanted one I would've got one for you.
So, how's the pain.
It's uncomfortable.
Yeah? Tell me more, come on, come on.
It's too soon to tell the anesthesia is just starting to wear off.
On a scale of one to ten, come on.
Is it, you know me.
Is it the kind of pain you think I could deal with? It's hard to tell.
Come on, tell me.
I'm really thirsty.
Where does it hurt, man? Where they cut my balls.
God, you live far away.
My juice got warm driving all the way over here.
Sorry.
Okay.
What else? There was a guy with a knife cut into my balls.
Yeah, is that all? I gotta get out of here.
Your neighborhood sucks my dick.
I don't want anything to happen to my car.
Okay buddy, keep me informed of everything.
I wanna know.
Ok? Before you leave, would you mind just - Ok.
Let me know how things go.
Ok? - I'm a little thirsty.
- It's hard for me to - Let me know.
If the pain gets worse, let me know what's going on.
Excuse me.
When you're done seeing how close you can get your dick can I borrow her for a second? Hey baby, we were just finishing up.
Finishing up what? You know, if I wasn't 100% convinced that Udo was gay I wouldn't let you do that kind of stuff.
Udo's not gay.
You said he was gay.
I never said that.
You said he was a male dancer.
That's the same thing.
So what if he's straight? Straight guys can't be nannies? Not if they're giving off fuck me perfume.
What? You know.
Pheromones.
I don't know what you're talking about.
And I don't want to know.
Hey, you have nothing to worry about.
I love you.
And I would never cheat on you.
Unless it was with Ryan Gosling.
Because I would have to.
But even if I did I promise, you would never find out.
It's good to know.
Yeah? Is this Jamie Lissow? Yeah.
We have the results from your colonoscopy.
No, I didn't get a colonoscopy, I had a vasectomy.
Yes, but you also had a colonoscopy.
What? Your twenties.
You go to the refrigerator.
You don't see anything you like, you go to bed.
If you're over 40, you got to bed.
You don't see anything you like you go to the refrigerator.
This doesn't smell good anymore.
What's the date on this thing in here? At least this cheese is still good on one side.
I can cut the bad part off the cheese.
Ice testicles, two hours after surgery.
That motherfucker! You know, if I got a vasectomy I wouldn't be able to help out around here for at least a week.
So, then it would be a lot like this week or last week or the whole year.
If I get a vasectomy, I might lose my mind.
Then I'll forget about all those beautiful trips we took.
That's okay, honey.
We have a hard drive with lots of pictures in it.
I can actually make things up and pretend I drank and ate as much as you did.
If I lost my mind, would you take care of me? Of course I would.
And even if I didn't you wouldn't know the difference anyway.
That's true.
Oh, by the way, Jamie's not coming in tomorrow.
He's going to be kind of out of it for the next few days.
What did you do? Nothing.
What, nothing? I got a message on the house phone from your urologist, asking how the patient was.
So? Don't tell me you made Jamie get a vasectomy.
He volunteered of his own free will.
You can't make somebody get an invasive medical procedure.
Besides, he was out Pretty high the whole time completely unconscious.
I've seen you doing horrible things but this is the worst.
If I'm gonna get one, I'm gonna wanna know what it's like and now I know what it's like.
I'm gonna go see him first thing tomorrow morning and see if his balls are more swollen.
He's a human being, he's not a lab rat.
Is that the only doctor that called? What? What other doctor are you expecting a call from? I dunno, a proctologist? You've gotta be shitting me.
I have to have one of those colonoscopies this year I might as well find out what it's like.
If I would've had him go under twice that would've been too mean, I would agree with you.
- No, bad.
- Ow! Ow! Patricia, let me I got my glasses! Stop! Stop it! Fuck me! And they give you a pre pre-shot.
Where's that? It's, well It's not in your balls.
Put it that way.
Where is it? Eye of your cock.