Reggie Perrin (2009) s01e02 Episode Script

1 REGGIE PERRIN - Briefcase? - Eh? Oh, sod it.
I don't need it.
- What's in it? - It's empty.
Oh, what do you usually carry in it? Nothing.
Pencils sometimes.
Midnight's Children through the nineties.
Nicola? Let's spend some time together this week.
- That would be nice.
- Yeah.
I don't want us to drift apart.
Absolutely.
There's so many pressure We apologise for the delay, this is due towhatever.
Whatever? 27 minutes late, no reason given due to surly guard issue at Raines Park.
Take an e-mail please, Vicky.
To whatever your railway company is called this week "Dear" - and I use that word very loosely - ".
.
idle bastard" Um, you normally do your own e-mails.
I don't want you to lose the use They may come in handy sometime.
"Dear idle bastard fat controller ".
.
in 20 years of commuting I've heard many excuses for late trains.
"For example, inadequate catering provisions in the Tolworth area.
"These are now delivered with a sniggering indifference.
"And it feels like being urinated on from a "No, it feels like being pissed on from a great height by 17 monkeys.
"If you are trying to add to my increasing unease with the world, "well done, it's working, have a cigar and a puppy.
" "Puppy.
" - Hello, Reggie.
- Hello, Colin.
Nice to see the new car park routing up and running.
Oh, shut up! No, not shut up.
"Yes, it is nice, Colin.
Doing anything for the weekend?" "Ah, nothing special, Reggie, thought I might go shopping.
" "Really, Colin? That's uninteresting.
" No, no, no, no bloody small talk! - Hello, Reggie.
- Hi-hi Um, jumping water cooler, that's all we need.
Lucky it was empty.
How you finding your feet? Oh, fine, thanks.
Any progress on your disposable ten blade razor? Yes, bit of a breakthrough actually, we've decided it's a stupid idea.
Oh, we were firming up our plans Oh, I'd love that.
I mean, the-the challenge of stubborn body hair in an honest Northern town, what's not to love? You're not like most people who work here, are you? - Yes, I am.
- Oh, it wasn't a criticism.
How are you finding your feet? You have asked me that.
Yes, I was just checking there hadn't been a deterioration with your feet.
- I get the feeling I make you nervous.
- No, no, no, no.
I think it's actually happier on the floor.
Sorry, I'm having a bit of a problem with my small talk at the moment.
- Oh, you're in big trouble then? - Yes, yes, I am.
- Reggie.
- Chris.
- Jasmine.
- Chris.
Drop in my office this afternoon, will you, Reggie? - Yes.
2.
30 any good for you? - Ah, yes - Good.
Make it four! Yes? Chris Reggie take a seat.
- You wanted to see me? - Yes.
Listen to that silence, Reggie.
Any reason? You don't get this silence in a factory in China where they make the razors we market and sell.
- No, can't hear yourself scream.
- No.
- So what a privilege to work here.
- Well, that's Okay, I'll get back to that.
Do you consider yourself a maverick, Reggie? No I don't.
Mmm, interesting.
Mavericks think a bow tie constitutes originality, they despise normal people and they're generally very annoying.
I consider myself a maverick.
Then there are the genuine mavericks like yourself, Chris, who make the world intriguing and special.
- Well done.
- Thank you.
So office life, Reggie.
What do you think? Love to hear An office is a delicate and fragile eco system requiring a certain amount of conformity if it is to be capable of functioning in an effective and socially cohesive manner.
That's what I was gonna say.
Word is you've been coming to work without a briefcase.
What's your problem? If I'm honest, I'm finding But you're a manager! Talking down to your minions is a vital part of the job people whiles.
There's nothing wrong with small talk, I don't do it myself because I'm far too busy and important.
Obviously.
But if all the talk out there was big talk, then surely we'd be missing a trick talk size-wise.
Maybe I could experiment with medium talk and work my way down? I'm watching you, Reggie.
It's cold out there.
Hi, love.
Hiya.
You know Jean Paul Satre said hell is other people? He'd just spent the day working at Groomtech, then commuting home to Surrey.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, that feels better.
Bloody uniform Good evening.
Nicola agrees.
Joan is the worst deputy head we have ever worked for, bar none.
You've obviously never worked with Dave Hedges.
Why, what's he like? I think she means well, but she's always bursting into tears.
Gosh! Why does she do that? She took Year Nine for geography once, I came in and they were going xy - Get anything? - They did that to Fiona in RI.
- Glass of arsenic, anyone? - Another time I came I am actually quite a modernist, I rushed out to buy the first iPod, I'm happy talking to call centres in Uzbekistan, but something bad is happening the gap between what we say and what we want and mean is growing dangerously wide.
For example, I sell razors in the knowledge that shaving is ridiculous.
Why on earth cut the hairAnd what is she doing with her hair? Listen, if you are gonna dye your hair, don't dye it grey! Exactly.
Why would you want to look like Santa anyway? All she needsWell, exactly Sorry.
Couldn't tear myself away from Britain's Fattest Pet.
No, look, I'm sorry.
I always seem to be busy these days.
It's quite tiring, the telly, isn't it? At one point I seemed to be watching CSI Bournemouth.
You used to read books, you know.
Yeah, I know.
But I wanted something easy and warm and comforting.
Hence two hours of darts.
SHE YAWNS Oh! Oh, I'm too tired to talk.
Oh, go on, let's try.
School? Oh, OK.
Children.
Learning.
Nice warm staff room.
Good.
Fighting in corridor, under-funding, piercings on teachers.
Oh! Not the best conversationNo, it's not.
We'll talk tomorrow.
I'll make us a nice breakfast.
Oh, thanks.
And how are you, Reggie? Um Oh, I'm not entirely me at the moment, to be honest.
Or maybe I wasn't me before.
Oh, oh, I don't know.
Full or Continental? Do you mind if we don't? I'm exhausted.
You probably meant the breakfast, didn't you? I did really, yeah.
- Thanks, honey! This is good.
- Sausage on the way.
Yeah.
Cheeky monkey! DOORBELL RINGS Dad was passing.
En route for golf.
Felt a smidge giddy.
Might be food related.
How does he know? Cock up on the catering front.
Bread bin entirely bin, no bread.
We were supposed to be having a nice, quiet breakfast together.
Excellent.
Known for my quietness.
Won a cup for it in the Army.
This is Reggie's treat for me.
Super idea.
Keep marriage fresh.
Stave off divorce for another year.
Morning.
Morning.
Terrible shirt! So my take on a joint venture with Toners and Astringents Division is I'm so up for it, it hurts.
I've spitballed some ideas with Mindy and her team and their work on the carrot seed Snap Me Fresh Range was absolute gold, OK? I'm almost physically excited.
Shall I canvas diaries for an exploratory? What, where's your gut on this, boss? Me? I was wondering if there's ever been a point in history when we were not scared shitless by something.
Global warming being the latest genuinely terrifying Apocalypse after world war nuclear annihilation, bird flu and the unstoppable spread of rap music.
Reggie's going big picture.
Yeah.
Work nonsense.
There's more to life than bloody male grooming.
Yeah.
I'm so psyched about the new routing scheme in the car park.
- Oh, it's actually genius.
-Yeah, lovely new sign.
- OK, people, hear me now.
- Yeah.
For the Slap Me Fresh range a three shave set, OK? Pre-shave, during shave and aftershave.
During shave? What's that you're thinking? A razor with a tiny storage tank with a computerised nozzle.
Ah, squirts as it cuts as it squirts.
As it cuts.
You fascinate me, Reggie.
Er, sorry.
Bloody IT boys, bunch of clowns, aren't they? I'm dizzy with love.
Hello! Hiya.
28 minutes late, it's getting worse.
Wrong kind of excuse in the Norwood area.
I needed that.
New top? Er, yeah, in 1997.
- Okay.
- Always best to check.
- Yes, I think so.
Um, look I've got us a bottle of expensive wine.
Irish wine from the Surprising Wine section.
Oh, thanks, darling.
Well, um, I'm free tonight, that long awaited quality time.
Fantastic.
But I'm afraid you're not.
'Please don't be my mother.
' So I thought the gravestone could read, "Here lies Arthur Perrin, what a splendid man.
" Was he splendid? He was your father, course he was splendid.
What is this? It's Irish Merlot.
From the Surprising Wine section.
Presumably because there was no Deeply Disgusting Wine section? So you thought your father was a bit average? Well, let's put that on the gravestone.
In fact, let's dig him up and leave him on a bus, and then we won't have to pay for a gravestone.
Nothing to say to your mother? Seems I'm not very good at small talk these days.
OK, I'll start.
Five million children died of starvation last year.
You're not exactly brilliant at it either, are you? You're very like your father.
He was depressed for years, you know.
From about your age.
Always moaning, poor sod.
Perhaps we could put that on the headstone.
"Here lies Arthur Perrin.
"He loved a good moan.
" All I'm saying is, for the love of God, give me a grandchild.
Oh, gosh, is that my life slipping away? It's Nicola's fault, isn't it? What? What's wrong with her? Have you had someone take a look under her bonnet? That reminds me.
Nicola, is it all right if I use the car tomorrow? Yes, love! No, Mum, xy We've decided not to have children because they poo in their pants, they throw all their toys out of the pram, they get drunk when they're 13, water levels are rising, this house will be submerged in 20 years and they'll all drown.
Well, if that's your idea of a conversation, I'm leaving.
I'll call you a cab.
But that isn't what you said, is it? Why should I believe you? 27 minutes late, futuristic traffic calming scheme in Hampton Wick, badly positioned fairground in Thames Ditton, and then I got out of the car in Merton for a quick cry.
Don't you normally come by train? Yeah, well, I taught Johnny Railway forget no hurry.
What was the lesson? That I am not a sheep, and there are thousands of people out there who feel exactly the same way.
Not in a sheep-like way though.
No, that's enough of that.
Hello, I'd like to make an appointment to see the Wellness person, please.
Lick me.
Stop it! - Hi! - Hello.
Take a seat.
So what can I do for you? Well Or as I prefer to put it, what can you do for you? Ah, yes.
Or, what can we do? Ssh, my turn, yeah.
I couldn't help noticing when we met that you seemedhappy.
Yes, indeed.
So how do you do that? I don't know really.
Someone once said to me, "Sue you're a bit simple, aren't you?" I took that as a compliment.
Even though it isn't one? Well, I think it is.
Well, it isn't.
Well, I think it is.
All right, let's try another way in.
I suppose I'm having trouble functioning on a so-called normal level with the people in the office.
Oh, that's horrid.
Oh, you sad sausage.
So, I wanted to be reminded how to have a meaningless conversation.
Right.
So I thought of you.
Oh! More compliments! Well, I always think a conversation should be like a game of tennis.
"I can't believe it's Friday already.
" "Yes, it feels more like Wednesday.
" Nice return, validating the other person's comment.
"Doing anything nice at the weekend?" Oh, now, there's a lob.
Different rhythm, now we're having fun.
I've got it! I've got it! Yes, I'm gonna clean the car.
Then I'm off on a two-day self-harming course in Purley.
We've still got some way to go, haven't we? Yes, we have.
CHIMING Hello, Colin.
Hello, Reggie.
Feels like Friday.
It is Friday.
I can't do it, I'll have to resign.
Afternoon, Reggie.
Hello, Chris.
You buckling down? Er not really, Chris, I I think I need to tender my Yeah, buckling down like mad, Chris.
How's the small talk going? I hear the Groomtech Netball Team won again.
That's too small.
Up a notch? OK, yeah.
Here's your chance, try and be nice to Colin.
Oh Hello, Colin.
Hello, Reggie.
Water? Oh, OK.
They've done research into office carpeting.
Oh, right.
Apparently, grey is too soporific, green's too stimulating and purple shows the dirt.
Oh.
Any news on dark blue? Good question.
Um very reliable as opposed to black, which is very dark.
You doing anything at the weekend? No, just looking forward to spending it with my wife.
'Bloody hell, you've got a wife?!' Well, enjoy, Colin, yeah.
Well, good chatting to you, Reggie.
I'm proud of you, Reggie! Welcome back.
Oh, heard about your department's new concept razor with a little tank attached.
Yes, I'm sorry about that.
Cuts while it squirts, while it cuts, while it squirts.
Brilliant! Oh.
I didn't get where I am today without recognising a new squirt-based concept.
Good work, Reggie! HE ROARS KNOCK AT DOOR Come in.
Hello, Jasmine.
Hi.
The stubble conferenceOh, yeah.
Oh, right, there we are.
Yeah, it's looking good for me.
There are a couple of sessions which'll feed into work we're doing on chaffing.
Good - the keynote speech is gonna dovetail with work we're doing on a woman's razor, codenamed Lady Blade.
Keep that under your hat.
Or keep it under your arm! Or We're also working on a range with a little bottle of lubricant attached to it.
Isn't that a bit daft?Thank you, yes.
You planning to drive up and down birthdays.
- That would be madness.
- Madness, yes.
- Let's stay in a hotel.
Yes, let's stay in a hotel! I still like hotels, don't you? Oh, God, yes, I love hotels.
Sometimes when I get home I empty everything into bottles and it still feels like I'm there.
Then all I need is a trouser press and a couple shagging next door.
What are you doing?Oh, God, I'm sorry.
Would you leave, please? It's never happened before.
xy Hello, Reggie.
I don't think it'd be appropriate for us to go to the conference, but let's talk again when you're less unpredictable.
270 minutes late, various problems.
Where have you been? I was worried.
I took a shortcut across country, probably a mistake on balance.
Left headlamp gored by a rampaging bull outside Epsom, wrong kind of mud in Esher, then I had a row with a farmer after I threw the sat nav at a cow.
God knows where that was.
I did you a really nice supper.
Oh Then I ate it.
Found your briefcase.
Oh, where was it? In the front garden.
I think you must've stopped to smell the winter jasmine.
Maybe that's the answer.
xy I'm so tired.
I'm gonna have a really long lie-in in the morning.
Oh, your mother rang.
She's popping in for breakfast.
It's my wife.