Rel (2018) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Oh, hey, Miss Jenkins.
How you doing today? Oh, child, I got these damn bunions on my feet.
I got a pedicure yesterday and I know they were talking about me, so I'm gonna learn Japanese, Chinese, Korean, something, find out what them bitches be saying.
A-All right, Miss Jenkins, you have a good day.
Eh, eh.
I wasn't through talking.
This how we do it in the Chi On the West Side Where we always keep it tippin' Man, that ain't no lie Oh, oh, oh.
(PHONE RINGS) Hey.
How my babies? Dad, why'd you send us a Cubs hat, 20 juice boxes and 12 bow ties? Okay, look, look.
Last night, I had a few sodas, and, uh, I had a sugar rush, you know, and the-the sugar went to my head.
I ended up ordering you guys a bunch of stuff online and How come you look so sad? Well, I How come you look like you haven't been sleeping? I mean, I've been trying to get some sleep, but Well, he looks like this because since us and Mommy don't live with him anymore, he's gonna have to try to rebuild his life and he's probably worried about whether or not he even can.
Right, Daddy? Is that why you look so bad, Daddy? - Look, look, look.
- BRANDI: It's okay, Daddy.
I know you're sad.
We can talk about this later without Terry.
I love you.
Keep your head up.
TERRY: Bye, Daddy.
Love you.
Uh, I love you, too.
And everything everything's fine.
(LAUGHS) (PHONE BEEPS OFF) Oh, no, it's not.
Man, I got to stop drunk-buying my kids gifts.
CLARENCE HATCH (ON TV): Now, before we go, I just want to say always listen to that little voice in your head.
I listen to that voice all the time, and look at me, I got a talk show, a game show, and my wife sure is fine, ain't she, y'all? Come on, y'all.
Come on, put her on the screen.
- Mm-mm-mm.
- (AUDIENCE CHEERING) So go out there, do something for yourself.
Live your best life.
And remember, you got to get up before you sit down.
Say it with me, y'all! You got to get up before you sit down.
See you tomorrow on The Clarence Hatch Show.
- - (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) Oh, that-that really peps you up, when he says, "You got to get up before you sit down.
" (LAUGHS) Sounds like a James Brown song.
You got to get up, ha, ha Before you sit down.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) (LAUGHS) Rel.
Rel.
- Rel.
- (SCREAMS) Girl, you almost got 409'd.
Please tell me you're not wearing a bootleg outfit to brunch.
You look like one of the kids on the team who didn't sell all their candy bars.
(LAUGHS) Look, look, I'm not wearing this, okay? Look, I put all my clothes in the wash before I realized - all I had left were my pajamas.
- You sleep in that? Yeah, I mean, you know, guys don't wear real pajamas.
You know, we wear the stuff we won't wear outside.
A fanny pack? This is not no ordinary fanny pack, this is my wash belt.
That's where I got my detergent, uh, I got my fabric softener.
Something you will never have to carry in there, though: condoms.
(LAUGHS) Look, okay, you can hate all you want, but you're not gonna kill my vibe, all right? This brunch is the first thing I've been able to do since Shannon left, you know? I'm starting over, I'm feeling good, because you know something? You got to get up, - before you sit down.
- Before you sit down.
- Oh, what's up, man? - Hey.
- Rel, I was shocked - Hey, Pop.
When you texted me about going to this hip-hop jazz brunch.
I thought you sit here all day and just cry about your family being gone.
I mean, Dad, if you know I-I'm at home crying all the time, why you don't call or come visit me? You know I don't do tears, son.
Look, I tried so hard to cry when Obama won, only thing that happened was my eye started twitching instead, man.
When Prince died, my eye twitched for three days.
My eye was Listen, life threw me a curve ball, but right now I'm bouncing back.
(LAUGHS) Bouncing back? Are you sure? 'Cause this fake Bulls outfit is screaming "life just dumped all over your ass.
" (LAUGHS) - Come on, man.
- Look, what kind of jersey - got a first name on it? - Scottie! REL: Look, I just think we deserve to do something for ourselves, you know? We've been through a lot the last year.
You know, Mom passed away and Nat did some time and Shannon left with the kids and, you know, Brittany Oh, I'm good.
In fact, I'm killing it.
(BRITTANY LAUGHS) But your pain is my pain, too.
(BEEPING) Wait a minute.
(LAUGHS) Laundry is ready, y'all.
That's right, I got a stopwatch.
It's a key component of the wash belt.
Be right back, guys.
(WHISTLES) No, sorry, Rel, but you can't go in there.
Larry, what are you talking about, "can't go in there"? My clothes are in the dryer.
Oh, that sucks.
The Lords are having a meeting in there.
Bruh, there's a gang having a meeting in our laundry room? Yeah.
Why did you let them in? What do you want me to do? For some reason, everybody in this building thinks I'm Jet Li.
You know something, Larry? I'm going in there.
No, man, I can't let you do that.
They said if anybody went in there, it would be my ass.
They're gonna take my ass.
What's wrong Rel? (DOOR CLOSES) So I couldn't get my clothes, and the reason is is gonna sound insane.
Uh The Lords are having a meeting in my laundry room.
Hold up.
There's a gang in your laundry room? Why? Gentrification.
Nat, that is literally the opposite of gentrification.
I thought when I moved in this building full of old people, - I'd be safe.
- Rel, this is Chicago.
You live in a bad neighborhood, you're just in a nice building.
What am I supposed to do, man, you know? I can't call the police.
I don't know if they're gonna help me or lock me up, you know.
And I come downstairs, they tell me I fit the description, put me in a police car, and I'm arguing, like, know.
"Yeah, you think I'd call the police on myself?" That actually happened to my Uncle Bobby.
He called 911, they came and arrested him for having chest pains.
Now that's what they call cardiac arrest.
(LAUGHS) See, that's sickening.
All these gangs today shooting up everybody everywhere.
Don't make no sense.
Holding the gun sideways.
This ain't that's not how you shoot a gun.
That's how you get carpal tunnel.
Okay, Dad, what you mean, "gangs today"? Gangs have always been like this.
Oh, not The Dragons.
Oh, Lord, no.
(NAT WHOOPS) I love the story about The Dragons.
What are The Dragons, again? (SIGHS) The Dragons was Dad's band.
Oh, excusez-moi.
We were a band and a gang: bangers.
We was a good gang.
We would, like, bully doctors to give out free flu shots.
You-you ever had to rumble with a bunch of doctors? Get a stethoscope wrapped around your neck.
All right, look, yeah, look, all this is crazy, man.
Look, I'm just gonna go down there and get my clothes again myself.
Oh, wait a minute, Rel.
Rel, uh-uh, uh-uh.
You know, whenever you try to reason with people, you always wind up saying something to make it worse.
Besides, you can't beat a whole gang, you ain't Jet Li.
What is it with y'all and Jet Li today? And what-what you gonna do? Look, I'm a bad bitch; I get things done.
Y'all wait up here, I'm gonna go get his clothes, and we goin' to brunch.
Oh, man, did you hear that? I wish she was my son.
Hey, hey, you can't go in there.
Look, Larry, I already know it's a gang in there.
Get one of them out here to talk to me right now.
Okay.
All right.
Let me see what I can do.
Hurry up.
Hey, hey.
There's somebody out here.
Hey, oh.
Little mama right here, you hella decent.
Got your hair done, nails done.
Everything did.
(LAUGHS) Mm, mm, look at that.
And you slim-thick, too? What you got going on, though? Well, I'm a fashion designer.
I actually made my own shirt.
- What? - Yeah.
Oh, that's hella crazy.
(SINGSONGY): She's independent.
Making shirts and everything, but-but where your store at, though? I have an online boutique I'm working on.
Oh, man, you scamming people, that's crazy.
- I don't scam nobody.
- N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-no, no, no, little mama, I don't mean it like that.
I mean, I actually love scamming, that's what I do.
(LAUGHS) Matter of fact you should be my baby mama.
(LAUGHS) Boy, I could never ever be your baby mama.
You are literally one of the dustiest dudes I've ever seen.
Dusty? I ain't never dusty, you know what I'm saying? I got this whole outfit from Zara.
What you mean? What kind of color scheme is that? Boy, you're wearing three different blacks.
You got glove black, light black, and ashy black.
Boy, you dusty.
Look, just please let me get my friend's clothes and stop wasting my time, because trust me, you could never have a bad bitch like me.
Oh, my God, here we go with that "bad bitch" "I'm a bad bitch, I'm a bad " You know, s-some of you are just okay bitches, you know what I'm saying? Well, look, I'm gonna say this to you, like, you talking about you're a fashion designer, too.
Come on, look at that shirt.
You're like a princess and a frog, like, put together.
I'm only saying this to you, I'm gonna keep it 100, though.
You're old as hell.
Probably pushing, like, 30, you know what I'm saying? (EXHALES) Can I be real with you? If your dreams ain't came true now (CLICKS TONGUE) they ain't never coming true.
And you got auntie hands.
Am I too old to have dreams? G-Guys, don't answer that.
What am I doing with my life? I want to be a fashion designer, but what steps have I really taken? And when Tupac was my age, he was already dead, man.
And do I have auntie hands? - Rel, look at my hands.
Look at them! - Hey.
What the heck is auntie hands? And did you get my clothes? Do I look like I got the clothes? You wear glasses.
Do you see clothes? Ain't no clothes, Rel.
There ain't gonna never be no clothes.
Just like ain't no brunch 'cause brunch is over.
Everything is over! Brunch is never over! I'm pretty sure they shut down serving at 3:00 p.
m.
Okay.
All right, I can't let this sit no more.
A Lord owes me a favor.
What? Why you ain't say nothing before? Why does a gang member owe you a favor? Dad, the Lord that owes us a favor is cousin Shawn.
Wait, which cousin is Shawn? Oh, that's your cousin Arlene's aunt's son's brother's uncle's son's sister's son.
Look, just to reiterate, okay, this is a once in a lifetime favor.
I can have anything I want.
Look, having a gang favor is like having a fairy godmother with with a pistol.
Do If you want me to waste that once in a lifetime favor on your laundry I mean, I Hey.
Make the call.
Yo, Shawn, this is Nat, man.
Yeah, I need to use that favor.
(SIGHS) Yeah, your boys is in my brother's laundry room, and he just needs to get his clothes out so we can go to brunch.
Yes, this is that favor.
Said it should probably be quick.
- (KNOCKING) - Damn.
Ha, ha! We got my clothes, yo.
(LAUGHS) We are going to brunch.
Yes! - This day is not over with yet.
- (DAD LAUGHS) Ooh.
Damn, Rel, you're taking this separation worse than I thought.
Man, these ain't my clothes.
You got to call Shawn back.
Call Shawn back? Did you know him? Yo, this a once-in-a-lifetime favor.
No do-overs.
You know what? Damn it! I thought I would just let you all fly and handle this by yourselves, but I guess y'all don't have the wings of a Dragon! Spread your wings, Daddy! Spread 'em! - (LAUGHS) - Go down there and give these Lords a dose of that Dragon fire.
(BLOWING) Drag-on! (WHOOPING) Drag-ons! Dad, what happened? Where is your shoe? Hey, don't worry about that.
Lords didn't know what hit them.
I got down there, Larry was trying to hold the door.
Boom! Kicked the door in like Jet Li.
- God, not again.
- But this was my gout leg, so, my gout flared up.
So I had to take my shoe off.
My leg was swollen up.
Man came at me with a gun, took my shoe.
Bam! Hit him upside his face.
Shoe went flying, so I couldn't find my shoe.
So I'm looking at them.
I said, "Brother you want some?" He said "no".
Slapped him anyway.
Now he crying.
And the rest of the gang like, "Why you make our boy cry?" So they all pull their guns out, but they're holding 'em sideways, so everybody gonna get shot.
I gots to go.
Next you know, I'm on trial for homicide, 12 people.
I can't do that time.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Larry, what you doing here? Hey, Mister, you dropped your shoe when you ran away.
Nah - Hey, ran away? - (DAD MUTTERS) LARRY: Yeah.
He told The Lords they should be giving away flu shots.
Then he started making dragon sounds and blowing in the air.
Everybody started laughing, man.
Dude ran away so fast his shoe came off.
Here you go, man.
Look, this is crazy.
Rel, you better put on a long coat 'cause I'm starving.
Man, what? Rel, you got a suit right here! You good.
We can still make brunch, and you can get your laundry when we come back home.
I can't wear my Sunday suit on a Saturday.
Don't make no sense.
Rel, just put the damn suit on! Look, y'all, it's the principle of it, okay? Y'all know how things have been hard for me lately.
I just needed today to go right.
I need something to go right! Then I was extra motivated.
I was watching Clarence Hatch.
And he said somethin so profound.
He said you got to get up to sit down.
Nah, you got it all mixed up.
You see, you got to sit down before you get up.
No, no, no.
You got to get up before you sit down.
That's the Yeah, but if you're already sitting down Can we just go eat?! Look, guys, honestly, I I'm not going nowhere without my clothes, okay? So, if you want to eat go ahead, go eat then.
- Okay, let's go.
- Yeah, we going.
Let's go.
(MUMBLING) Well, that's the plan.
Where you think you're going? Um to brunch.
See, the thing is, you not going nowhere.
Okay, look, if-if this about what I may have allegedly saw in the dryer, uh I don't even know what that is.
Oh, you know what that is.
That's cocaine.
That was really specific.
Uh Uh, okay, guys, look, let me level with y'all.
Um, if I can be honest, you dudes pretty much ruined my damn day.
You know what I mean? (SIGHS) My life hasn't been exactly perfect, man.
I mean, my wife left me, and took the kids with her and Man, ain't nobody trying to hear your life story, especially with this bogus-ass short set you got on.
I ain't never win no spelling bee, but I swear 'fore God I ain't never seen "Bulls" spelled with no "Z.
" (LAUGHTER) Hey, buddy goofy as hell.
You might as well go on and get out of here and take your panties with you.
That's why your wife left you, kids don't respect you.
She tired of being with a bum.
It's okay.
They gonna have a new daddy soon.
Instead of your clown ass.
Um (SCOFFS) I mean, the crazy thing is, you-you calling me a clown, and like, "Ooh, they gonna have a new daddy," and all at good stuff.
(LAUGHS) But, like, only clown I see is, uh (LAUGHS AIRILY) is standing right in front of me.
(LAUGHS) Who you talking to, fat boy? You getting real tough.
You see Lord and 'em over here? They'd kill for ManMan.
I'm God on the West Side.
Don't gamble with your life for your pride especially not in this bogus-ass outfit.
You want to die in that? Look, I don't want to die in my pajamas, that's true.
I know who you is, brother.
I know your type.
I know all y'all, right? You go around neighborhoods, terrorizing 'em, shooting 'em up.
You know, not even shooting the people you're supposed to kill.
Your killing innocent people Most of 'em are kids, yo.
You hear me? Kids! (SCOFFS) You ever watch the news? Y'all be seeing those mothers that's crying, thinking they're gonna see their kid come home from school that day? But no, we got some ignorant fools out here just shooting it up.
(SCOFFS) That don't that make you want to stop, man? Look, bullets ain't got no names, you hear me? I ain't choose this life.
This life chose me.
At the end of the day, I'm trying to survive.
If you get smoked, you get smoked.
Better your life than mine.
This is Chicago, okay? This is not Chiraq.
Do y'all like that they call Chicago "Chiraq"? - That's cool with you? - That's where we at, boy.
No, that's not where we at.
You got regular citizens that live here, that work hard every day, and they should be able to come home safe and their kids should be able to come home safe and not deal with this.
Look, man, I don't want to see nothing happen to none of y'all, but this mindset we got I'm just tired of it.
And it hurts, man.
All right, all right, I've called the police.
Y'all need a hearing aid? I said I called the police.
They're on the way, so y'all get the hell up out of here! And I'm in 4B.
Come and see me if you dare.
I ain't scared of y'all.
I got breast cancer, all right? Look, I'm gonna see you around, man.
Damn, Rel.
That was inspiring, man.
Man, you told 'em exactly what they need Okay.
Larry, bruh, I I swear to you I'm gonna get you fired.
Hold up.
Where the hell are my panties? Make sure you grab a copy of my new book, You Gotta Get Up To Sit Down, Part Two: How to Get a Wife As Fine As Mine.
Okay, y'all, that'll wrap our show up for today.
And see you tomorrow on The Clarence Hatch Show.
- (APPLAUSE ON TV) - (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) NEWSWOMAN: Coming up on the news at 11:00.
Another senseless shooting on the West Side of Chicago.
Tyrell "ManMan" Jefferson, the alleged leader of The Lords, was shot and killed in a gang-style execution, along with two other innocent victims.
More details after the break.