Resident Alien (2021) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Previously, on "Resident Alien" My mission was simple: drop my device onto their planet and head back home.
I had no intentions of getting close to any of them.
In order to complete my mission, I would have to somehow fit in with the human life forms.
Dr.
Harry Vanderspeigle, we had a murder in town last night.
Need you to come down and take a look at the body.
Sam Hodges was poisoned.
He tried to give himself a tracheotomy.
There is a killer out there.
We still need your help.
In a town of 1,000 people There is a kid who can see my true form.
You're just different.
I know what that feels like.
Sometimes just feeling human is alien to me.
Maybe there's something redeemable about the human race after all.
Unfortunately for them, when I find my device, I will finally complete my mission and kill them all.
All beings of the universe are different.
For instance, my people are brilliant.
Humans, on the other hand, are so dumb that they think the leading cause of death is heart disease.
It's not.
It's almond milk.
Even the Grey aliens won't touch the stuff.
Despite their differences, there is one truth that connects all beings.
Life doesn't ever go as planned.
Whoa! What the hell? Help! Somebody! Help me! Help! Somebody! Help! Finding an object the size of a suitcase in the Colorado Mountains is like looking for a needle in a haystack.
I've been searching for my device every day for months.
I haven't found it yet, but after searching a half dozen mountains, - - I finally found the haystack, and that's all that matters.
Well, that and being on time for my first day of work.
Max! Max! Ugh! He went out the window.
Of course he did.
What the hell happened in here? - The kid went nuts.
- What? Why? I have no idea.
I'm going to cut your head off! I think he has emotional issues.
Well, we need to get this place cleaned up.
There hasn't been a doctor on duty in days, and we have a bunch of patients coming in.
Well, don't just stand there.
Okay.
- Max, okay.
- Count of three, bud.
- You are getting filthy under there.
- Listen to your mother, Max.
He's just looking for my wallet.
He's a good kid.
We're good parents.
The alien from my bedroom, he's in there.
He's the new doctor! - Okay.
- Max, I saw the new doctor.
He didn't look like an alien to me.
He's already gotten inside your brain.
- Come on, buddy.
- You're as good as dead.
Let's go.
You are going back in there, and you are letting that doctor take a look at your sore throat.
And while I'm in there, you can buy a four-foot coffin.
Okay, look, that's enough.
I cannot hear about this alien stuff anymore, but he can come to work with me and lie on the couch.
If his throat doesn't feel better, I'll bring him back, okay? Oh, now you want to die too.
Make that three coffins.
I'm serious.
If he keeps this up, we're getting rid of him.
Sounds good.
Oh, vanilla, thank God.
You I will keep.
- Oh.
- Love you.
Whoa, whoa, what are you doing with these? Look, do I need to remind you that this side is the mayor's office and that side is the sheriff's office? We got a murder to solve.
I got to make room over there for murder stuff.
Yeah, well, there's no room for those boxes in here, so Well, the laws of physics would tend to disagree with you since there they are.
Sheriff, I'd like to file a murder complaint.
- I know who killed Sam Hodges.
- What are you talking about? Is that so? - All right.
- Sure, have a seat.
Go ahead and lay it on me, little deputy.
It's the new doctor.
He's an alien.
Okay, on that note, I'm gonna need everyone out.
Kid's a little delusional with a fever.
- Maybe no talking for a day.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
An alien? What you mean? Like, he ain't got a green card or something? No, like, alien-alien from outer space.
- Outer sp - And shoot me.
What the hell are you teaching this kid, huh? You know I could lock you up for lying to an officer of the law? That is a crime.
- You're committing crime.
- Got a sick kid, okay? Gonna need everyone out.
Got a sick kid.
Just Yeah, he's sick all right.
Let me ask you something.
You got HBO in your house? Here's what I want you to do.
I want you to watch "Oz" season one, and then come back and tell me if you want to go to prison.
Talking about some alien shit.
- I'ma go get me some more boxes.
- Uh, no.
I really wish that you wouldn't do that, Sheriff.
Okay, okay.
Hey, I know the sheriff can seem kind of mean sometimes, but he's just a teddy bear With severe control and anger issues.
But he didn't believe me when I told him about the alien.
Nobody does.
Well, look, maybe he didn't believe you because he can't see the alien, right? It's probably putting up some kind of mind shield that only you can see through because you're special.
Yeah, that makes sense.
One of my skills as a deputy is to work as a sketch artist, so if you describe the alien to me, I could draw a picture of him.
Great, then I can get the word out! Okay, start with his eyes.
They're, like, alien shape.
And then he has these scales going back Like, blue scales with little circles.
Ooh, okay.
Human doctors have to go through years of medical school to perform a procedure as simple as burning off a wart.
I was a scientist on my planet, so this is easy for me.
All I need is the Internet, and I can graduate in five minutes.
Okay.
Let's take a look at that nasty thing.
Hm.
You're not a 12-year-old boy with a wart.
Mm, not a 12-year-old boy.
Ah, yes, Harry, sorry.
This is Judy.
She's in need of a pelvic exam.
We had to move her up from tomorrow.
Oh, okay.
Pelvic exam.
So, big guy, you into sports? No, but I am into putting my pants back on before the breeze dries out the lettuce.
Yeah, Harry, she doesn't have all day.
- Oh.
- I'll be right back.
Oh, yes.
Of course.
Okay, I see your problem.
You sat on an earring.
No! That - Sorry.
- That's supposed to be there.
Uh Here we go.
Let's just get into this, mm-hmm.
Oh, yes, examining.
Uh, yes.
Oh, uh Did you just take a picture? It was a selfie.
My first day.
Huh.
The day didn't get any better.
Well, it appears that you are in excellent health.
Concerning your breath, did you recently eat a dead rodent? You should be more careful next time.
Your parents don't have insurance, so if you get hurt again, they'll probably lose their home and have to live outside on the street.
She just found a lump in her breast.
Why don't you try to be a little more calming this time? I know what I'm doing.
I see you found a lump in your breast.
Yes.
I'm glad that you came in and that you've been so diligent with your health.
As you know, self-examination along with appropriate screenings can greatly increase your odds of early detection, so I don't want you to worry.
Many women find lumps in their breasts all the time, and most of them are nothing, okay? - Okay.
- Good.
Now let's get a look at that tit.
I discovered that the woman does not have cancer.
I also discovered that "tit" is not the preferred term for breast.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Harry, this is my father Dan.
Harry's a doctor.
He's been helping us out at the clinic.
Hello.
Sorry, he doesn't like doctors.
Dad, what are you doing? I have a bad feeling.
There's something wrong with that man.
Oh, my God, are you kidding me? You have a bad feeling about every man within ten feet of me.
I don't have a bad feeling about him.
- That's the problem.
- What are you talking about? When I look at him, I feel nothing at all.
Asta's large father does not like me.
Can he somehow tell I am different from them? This day cannot get any worse.
Shit.
Oh, mm.
This kid is a menace.
He just won't give up.
Where was that effort from the humans when we were helping them build Stonehenge? A bunch of idiots just sitting around drinking mead, making us do all the work.
Lazy druids.
I can't leave.
I'm too close to finding my device, and I'm not turning into someone else.
It took me weeks to figure out how to get this body to work.
I have to be smart.
I can't just kill this kid.
It will draw too much attention.
Hello? Hi, is Max there? Who's this? - - I'm a friend of his from school.
My name is Elvis.
Yeah, okay.
Max, friend from school.
- Hello? - Hi.
I saw your poster on the street.
Yeah? And I saw that alien on a bus leaving town, so you don't have to worry about him anymore.
Are you sure it was him? Yes, he was very handsome like a young Jerry Orbach.
Who? Wait a minute, I don't know you from school.
You're right.
I'm a post office man.
I'm good with my eyes, and I saw that alien, and he's gone.
If you're a man, why do you have a kid's voice? - Tricycle accident.
- Uh-huh.
If you work at the post office, how much does a stamp cost? - $100.
- I knew it! - You're him! - $1,000.
I know it's you, and guess what, alien, you can't kill me.
My parents know you're after me, and if I die, they'll know you did it, and you're dumb.
Stamps are, like, 30 bucks each, stupid.
Don't call me stupid you little shit.
S-H-I-T is a bad word, stupid.
That's it.
I'm going to kill him.
What do you want? I didn't know babies had a laugh button.
Oh, there you are, sweetheart.
Oh, Harry, this is my cousin, Kayla, and this cute little guy is Sage.
Hi.
How are you? Okay, I'm gonna see you this weekend.
- Okay.
Mwah.
- Bye.
Let's go.
Oh, Jay, didn't you have something you wanted to say to Dr.
Vanderspeigle? Ms.
Twelvetrees wanted me to apologize for calling you a douchebag.
And I apologize that your birthmark looks like a bug.
Douchebag.
Yeah, glad we cleared that up.
Okay, Harry, this is your temporary office.
Can you please grab Harry's things and set him up in the nurse's office? I don't want anyone in Sam's office.
Sure.
So how are you, you know, with Sam's death? - I'm fine.
- Okay.
When I was your age, I didn't have anyone I could talk to when I was sad, so if you ever need someone I said I'm fine.
Okay.
Why couldn't you talk when you were sad? Oh, no, I could talk.
I just moved out.
My father and I didn't get along very well.
Why did you move back? Um I guess I missed home.
Home.
You know what I just realized? I don't know anything about you.
Where are you from? I'm hungry.
Okay.
This human form is confusing to me.
I am often struck with a sharp emptiness inside me.
I eat food, but the emptiness doesn't go away.
Well, hello there.
Oh, you are the woman that I danced with.
That's right.
You remember.
I'm D'arcy, by the way.
- Excuse me, I just wanted - What? We don't have Wi-Fi.
I just wanted a napkin.
Oh, fancy man wants a napkin.
It looks like you're wearing a napkin, so maybe use that.
Get out of here.
Go away.
Do you want me to get you anything? I was hungry, but now that I am here - for some reason, I'm not.
- Sounds like stress.
I'm a big stress eater.
I ate a whole bag of Doritos the other day family size.
Maybe you want some of this local whiskey - that you love.
- No.
No.
Last time I drank that, I tried to kill someone.
Really? Well, was that your first murder or is that something you do a lot? Wasn't the first, won't be the last.
Okay, wow.
So you, like, a knife guy or? I like to use my hands.
Me too, except not for murder as much.
But, anyway, if you're gonna go around killing people, you should at least make it look like an accident 'cause if you get arrested, you can't take me bowling tomorrow night.
When I kill that kid Max, I can make it look like an accident.
Then I won't get caught.
That's a great idea.
Great, yeah, it's a date.
I've never gone bowling with a murderer before.
It's been a goal.
What is bowling? I'm glad my husband and son are here with me in my home.
- Makes me fulfilled.
- I am your husband.
- This cookie is delightful.
- I'm here too.
I'm a younger person.
Let me turn on the cooking stove.
It's funny.
All I hear is a hissing noise.
I hope that smell in the air isn't propane gas.
Explosion is a good option.
It looks like an accident.
So, uh You know, it is nice talking to someone who cares.
You know? And I love that you're writing things down.
You know, Sam, he didn't really ever take notes.
Well, no one cares more about people than I do.
Yeah, Sam gave good advice, but he wasn't exactly qualified.
This town is lucky you started your career as a clinical psychologist.
Lucky for me too so lucky.
It's just all this stress has a bit of a tendency - to build up.
- Mm-hmm.
Sometimes I think about being a kid again.
It just makes me feel good.
It's better being a kid.
Sometimes.
So Why do you like thinking about being a child, hm? Things were simpler.
I had no worries, I guess.
You know, when I think about it, I get this pit in my stomach.
Describe this pit.
Is it like you're hungry all the time? Kind of, but it's not that.
I Just feel empty? You cannot be in here.
Is it true what I'm hearing? You think my Sam was poisoned? Sorry, I tried to stop her.
You can't be here.
I can't talk to you right now.
I am busy with the mayor doing psychological therapy.
Isn't this supposed to be private? He's telling me he's a man baby.
- I didn't say - It's fine.
I'll wait, and I'm going to get his things.
No, you're not.
I'm sorry.
- Sorry, Ben.
- Mm.
Tell me more about this hole in your stomach.
Um, well, it's One second.
You have no right taking Sam's things.
Well, they're my things now.
Can you be quiet? I am trying to be a doctor.
This is Sam's office.
He just died, and it's a crime scene.
Nobody comes in here.
What is this? I was hungry and wanted a quiet place to eat.
This is Sam's chicken from the refrigerator.
- He is not going to eat it.
- God, Harry! No, leave it.
Stop it.
- You cannot take - I am not leaving it.
Pathetic humans letting their emotions dictate their behavior.
These two are distraught by something as small as a loved one being poisoned to death.
I wonder if I can get that chicken while they're fighting.
I need to know what you're doing about the investigation into Sam's murder.
I'm sorry.
Do I come up to you on the street and ask you what you're doing about Mr.
Dougan's catheter? Abigail is at the clinic right now taking all of Sam's stuff out of his office.
Isn't that evidence? You know, she's the wife.
- Maybe she killed him.
- Maybe you killed him.
How about that? Say that again, and you'll be wearing that hat inside your ass.
What the hell are you doing here? I like watching her when she's angry.
We looked into Abigail, and she has an alibi.
She's got a rock solid alibi.
She wasn't even in town the night that he died.
And I already took care of Sam's office.
I got prints.
I got photographs.
I got everything.
You need to stay in your lane The bike lane.
Oh, wow, how long did it take you to think of that? - That's what I said.
- That's so clever.
I can read the emotions on their faces.
Sadness masking as anger.
Weakness masking as superiority.
This one's like a pet rabbit that you yell at so much its hair starts to fall out.
My people don't have stupid emotions to get in our way.
All we need is food to fuel our body.
That's easy.
You can find food almost anywhere.
I'm in human form now, and I'm feeling that pit in my stomach.
Is it possible that, when I took on the human molecular structure, I somehow was infected with their emotions? Or is it just hunger? Never mind, it's just hunger.
Hello again, Mrs.
Cow.
Sorry.
I'm leaving.
It was consensual.
Every day, every night It's all you, it's all you It's all right Every day, every night It's all you, it's all you It's all right, it's all right Every day, every night I was beginning to think you weren't gonna show up.
Octopuses also change their color.
Oh, yeah.
I was gonna stop with just the hair though, so Excited to bowl? - Let's get some shoes.
- Mm-hmm.
- Ugh.
- So we meet again.
Do I know you? Yeah, you had your hand inside me the other day.
- Uh, narrow it down, Judy.
- Uh, eat a dick, D'arcy.
I'd have to pry it out of your cold, dead hands.
- You're a 12.
- How did you know? Oh, 'cause D'arcy only dates size 12s.
- Real classy, skank.
- Whore.
Oh, are you going to Cookman's bonfire - on Saturday? - Yeah, I'll be there.
Nice.
See ya.
Well, well, well, look who came into my house.
You live here.
On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I do.
I league it up with my boys.
Okay, shouldn't you be out solving crime? Yeah, the only crime in Patience tonight is gonna be this double homicide when I murder you both with my superior bowling skills.
Let me show you how it's done.
Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.
You hear that? That there's the sound of inevitability.
Aha, X marks the spot.
Let's see what you got.
Come on.
Okay, all right, all right, okay.
All right, not bad.
Okay, let's see what the good doctor's got.
You up, Doc.
Go Harry.
Let's see what you got, Dr.
Harry Vanderspeigle.
You got this.
Knock 'em down.
This is easy.
I've got this.
It's all just math.
If I can land a spacecraft on an asteroid travelling 50,000 miles an hour, I can roll a ball on some wood.
Oh, goddammit! Oh, shit! - That's a strike.
- Ain't no damn strike.
That's assault with a deadly weapon.
You know, I could arrest your ass for that, but I don't want to embarrass you for all this wayward bowling.
Ow, shit! He's fine.
You know, he was wrong.
I never feel embarrassment.
Wow, that's cool.
Well, I do.
When I was at Stratton, I had this recurring dream.
You know, I was running naked through the hallways.
It wasn't a dream.
Ambien.
That's embarrassing.
You've lived here a long time.
I have a question.
It doesn't mean anything.
When does the snow melt on the mountain? Ooh, it would depend on the weather.
It's spring, so if we get a good rain, - it'll be gone in a week.
- A week? - Yeah.
- That's very soon.
Do you want to go heli-skiing? - It's rad.
- No, don't go up there.
What? You're a skier? Yeah well, I used to ski, like, a lot.
I wanted to go to the Olympics, so finished second in the worlds and then 2006 I went to Torino.
- And then this happened.
- How did you do that? Well, it was my second mogul run.
I heard my knee pop.
It was before the jump, and I couldn't stop, and I landed, and I heard a bunch of bones crack.
I had a tib fib compound fracture.
They said I could have lost my leg or even died.
Whew, fun day.
- Couldn't stop? - Yeah.
- Almost died.
- Yeah.
That's great.
So I found a new perspective - I've got to go.
- We're not done eating.
That's where it usually ends.
Aw, another date night just you and a hot dog? Actually, I have two.
You could have one for each hand just like in high school.
I learned that trick from you.
- All right, slut.
- Hoe bag.
- Want to bowl? - Yeah.
Let's do it.
The kid has to ride his bike down this hill on the way to school.
Without brakes, he'll never survive.
It's a good feeling to know I am the smartest person on Earth ugh! Get out of the street, you idiot! Sorry.
Hm.
I liked Sam, but he was always, "Don't eat this.
Don't eat that.
Your diet's gonna kill you.
" Well, what you eat is important.
I don't agree with that.
- Oh, no? - No.
There are ten things on here that are going to kill him sooner - than eating bad food does.
- Harry.
No, I want to hear.
Sam never mentioned that.
Tell me when.
Look, I just turned 80.
You can give it to me straight.
How long do you think I have? - Do you like Christmas? - Yes, very much.
Celebrate it before June.
Oh, okay.
Oh.
But between now and Christmas? You can eat anything you want.
I like you.
This is the first time that a doctor's been totally honest with me.
This town is very lucky to have a doctor as good as you.
Yes, you are lucky.
You certainly have a particular style.
That's impressive.
He doesn't like anyone.
Ben Hawthorne's here.
There's been an accident.
- An accident? - Yeah.
Hello, Mayor Hawthorne.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Uh, what loss? This little guy fell on his bike in the driveway.
I think he's gonna need stitches.
- Come on.
- Okay.
Stitches stitches, that's it? Don't sound so disappointed, weirdo.
It's okay, buddy.
I'll be here right next to you the whole time.
You're, like, 600 feet away.
Yeah, well, I don't want to get in the doctor's way.
See, just stay strong, okay, pal? Thank you, nurse.
I hear you had a little bike accident this morning Very little.
Your son is very shy.
You can look at me, Max.
I don't bite.
Actually, I do.
You're lucky your brakes failed on the driveway and not on the main road.
This should have been a lot worse.
How did you know it was my brakes? I just assumed.
We get a lot of failed brake accidents All kinds, cars, wheelchairs, boats.
Mm, can we hurry this up? That smell of gauze is just something else.
Luckily, we have Novocain for good boys.
I can numb this up, and you won't feel a thing.
So tell me, Max, are you going to be a good boy? Of course.
No, never.
Well, then I have my answer.
Let's put in a couple of stitches.
Go right ahead.
How is it, Max? It's fine.
Is there a mosquito in here? 'Cause I think I just got a tiny bite on my arm.
This is deeper than I thought.
We might need three stitches.
How about five? - Well, I guess that's it.
- Really? - I didn't feel anything.
- Huh, good for you.
- I did.
Okay, let's go.
- Yes, yes.
Remember, if you're not careful, something horrible can happen to you.
Oh, don't worry.
I can take care of myself.
By the way, your shoe's untied.
Made you look, you dummy.
Wait, I look! It it is untied, so ha, ha, ha! I know Sam and you were close.
There are things you can do that will help you.
You could cut your hair to honor the deceased.
I can handle it.
Maybe you should start letting me live my own life.
Worrying about every man I meet, making me dinner every night I'm not 16 anymore.
Mm, it's okay.
The dinner part is nice.
If you were 16, you wouldn't even be here.
You'd be in Denver.
Oh.
Good one.
Now that I live at home, you're gonna start being my father? Well, you never stopped being my daughter.
I hope you're this upset when I die.
Jesus, Dad.
Did you burn your scrubs from the other night? No.
You know you should.
You've got to release Sam's spirit from this world.
Otherwise, he'll linger.
I know.
Shut up! Hey.
Hey.
Mrs.
McGill has a crush on you.
It's not a crush.
She's 90 and comes in every week because she's a hypochondriac.
- Hey.
- Uh-huh? A little gin rummy? Oh I'm gonna have to take a raincheck.
Big day tomorrow.
Oh, but I'll beat you next time.
You wish.
There's no one sitting there.
Dan's not my real father.
My mom left when I was one.
Dan took me in, and he raised me.
He gave me everything.
But I never really felt like I fit in.
Sam was the only one I could talk to about all that.
I never should have left that night he died.
I was tired.
I just wanted to go home.
He was always there for me.
I should have been there for him.
He was poisoned.
- You couldn't have helped him.
- Maybe.
At least he wouldn't have died alone.
Do you want to play a card game? Yeah.
- Thanks.
- Okay.
I'll put my stuff in my office.
This is your office now.
I did not want to play cards, but I knew Asta wanted to.
She was sad.
I could feel it.
I should not be able to feel an emotion that is inside somebody else.
Tellurium.
I know that they are all connected by these feelings, these emotions Feelings of devotion Sadness Love.
In Greek mythology, there exists this legend Maybe I am more connected to them now I had an emptiness that no amount of potato chips or hot dogs would cure, but when I found the tellurium, the ache went away.
It wasn't coming from my stomach.
It was coming from my heart.
Human emotions are growing inside of me.
I think the one I feel now they call lonely.
In the same way Asta misses Sam Hodges, I miss my planet, my people.
But having found the tellurium, I can finally heal my broken heart because, once I detonate my device and fry every human being on Earth, I can fly home.
Now I just need to find my device without being discovered.